nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, July 25, 2017

    sometimes you should just sit right there 

    i never learned to rap

    or breakdance

    or sing in a way that makes the young girls cry.

    but i have learned how to deal with uber passengers who cancel.

    yesterday i was doing so well. first ride went from here to there.

    next ride went there to here.

    and then i cruised up wilshire from the beach past OJ’s to Bundy when ping!

    it was an Uber Select ride, my favorite so i did a U-turn and waited and she canceled.

    i was a little mad because there i was, clean car, vacuumed rugs, Sinatra on the stereo.

    so i looked to see if i was there long enough to get the $5 cancelation fee.


    but when i checked i saw that she was gonna be going to Atwater Village. which is a great ride for me.

    so i looped around again because maybe she needed to take a quick leak or smoke a bowl or take out the trash

    and in 5-10 minutes she would make my day.

    well, friends, she came out of that door 1 minute later and said are you my uber?

    i said sure am.

    she said can you cancel this guy then?

    i said no but you can if you want.

    and she did and she hired me and we drove and $60 later i was 10 minutes from my home and i laughed and laughed and laughed

    but i still regret not learning how to spin on my head.

  2. Monday, July 24, 2017

    saw a good movie: ‘From The Land Of The Moon’ 

    first the plan was dunkirk but dunkirk was sold out, so we didnt see nothin

    next day amber’s all, lets see ‘From The Land Of The Moon’

    marion cotillard. free at the academy sunday afternoon.

    but for some reason i wanted to see dunkirk even though it was getting mixed reviews.

    problem is im cheap and the ONLY way anyone was recommending seeing dunkirk was in IMax 70MM

    high on cocaine 3D where the chairs move and every 20 minutes ushers douse you with ketchup.

    half hour before the cotillard’s french flick started amber goes,

    lets see if we can get to the academy in time and if we do then great.

    we got there 5 minutes late but still went in.

    sucked me in immediately because shes crazy and who doesnt love crazy french women.

    very french, very romantico in a Bell Jar way if the dude in the Bell Jar was a handsome man from Spain

    super glad i saw it because these are the types of films i used to see with Michele and i miss that.

    also glad because it was good and we should champion good movies.

    not just spectacles.

  3. Sunday, July 23, 2017

    and i guess that i just dont know 

    everything went backwards yesterday

    and i flow by the go for the most part

    if the movie that youre in starts playing different tunes,

    i’ll see you on the dark side of the

    omg i left my phone in the uber

    what do we do?

    well i am at my office

    but theres a zillion people trying to get into Dunkirk

    line around the corner with 5 minutes to go till the screening

    hey lets go in through the garage

    hey lets take the elevator up up up

    hey can we get out where the cinema is

    nah, thats bad karma

    but you dont believe in karma do you Christian

    nah but i believe in – yeah i guess i believe in that too

    hey you work on that floor

    hey is that your computer

    hey is that your receipt from the ride

    hey is this uber, i lost my phone

    hey the drver will be where you be in 15 minutes just enough time for you to take a leak kiss a girl and step outside

    hey dude thanks for coming back heres $20 can you drive us to DTLA

    hey lets get a margarita before we go in

    hey lets see the hotel you wanna transfer to

    hey lets have a taco

    hey lets not see that movie

    hey lets go in that alley and get groovy

    hey lets get lost

    hey lets walk and walk and walk





  4. Saturday, July 22, 2017

    you are loved you are loved you are really really loved 

    hot babes in LA are like fancy cars. everywhere.

    i dont think ive ever seen an ugly girl here.

    not one.

    had this slick young black dude from manhattan in the back.

    he was, “i did NOT see a bentley convertible just pass two Maybachs on the same block.

    i was all this is beverly hills. that doesnt happen here it doesnt happen.


    pretty girl with a dimple and light eyes says look at that im gonna be on time

    we were going from venice to restaurant row, across town.

    she said 30 minute ride? im normally late.

    i asked her her star sign.

    she said aquarius.

    i said, interesting thing about aquarius is after they complete a big task

    like host a baby shower or do a big report or something

    they feel empty.

    because they are the water bearers and their giant pot is now gone.

    i said, does that ring true to you?

    she said no.

    i said good astrology’s for the birds

    we were headed to the most expensive sushi joint in all of LA

    i said im jealous of you

    she said im jealous of me

    i asked where she went to college. i dont know why. but i always do.

    maybe because i just wanna talk about ucsb.

    everyone smiles when you mention it.

    she said usc. i said omg did you hear about your medical dean?

    she was all scandal!

    we bonded beautifully then sighed

    i miss college, she

    me too, me

    sometimes i think of all the books i should have read there

    i said, i still got so many of mine, still unread

    she said i dont think ive ever finished a book


    i said why do you think thats the case?

    she said, maybe because i feel sad after i finish things

    and then winked at me when she caught me looking

  5. Wednesday, July 19, 2017

    from the beginning they said he had ties to russia 

    even during the run up to the election

    he even spoke into the camera and said hey russia

    and winked

    he is under investigation

    his former national security advisor had to be resigned/fired because of the russians

    no one believes he could have won without them

    and what about that pee tape?

    then we find out that after the extra long G20 meeting

    they had a super secret special meeting

    with just trump, putin and a translator

    the perfect time for the two to scheme

    hand over the nuclear codes

    and give our sworn enemy all the secrets that could fit in trumps weird little head

    they said obama would be dangerous. they said hillary would be dangerous. whats more dangerous than this dude working without any help up against two russians


    while clearly owing the russians a favor.

    what have we done

  6. Tuesday, July 18, 2017

    theres fires in santa barbara right now 

    those hills never stood a chance

    it never rains enough

    its always so sunny

    rays from around the universe come to santa barbara all year round

    a sunshine convention

    everyones got name tags

    they get a little too drunk right around last call

    then the magnifying glasses come out

    and before you know it those light green and yellow hills


    i used to want to put irrigation up in the malibu mountains but

    everyone says sometimes aint nothing you can do except let nature do its thing

    let all the conventioneers sing

    let their voices flitter up to where they came from

    let their badges curl up

    and wither into the never.


  7. Sunday, July 16, 2017

    yesterday LAist had a great party 

    so many of your favorite people were there.

    special guests included Peter from Kanpai

    and current LAist editor Julia Wick

    it was so great to see everyone and catch up and hug and drink and eat and omg the party just flew by

    but no one wants to hear about how much we all love each other

    after everyone left, amber and i realized that we had way too much food

    as we both have to maintain our bikini bods.

    so i said, lets put some of these in bags and drive down to the tiny intersection park in Los Feliz on Hollywood where the homeless have set up tents.

    somehow i ended up with a garbage bag full of about 20 cans of Bud Light.

    i said, before we give anyone any food, i need to get this out of my house, lets just do this run first.

    so we put it in my trunk and headed to the spot.

    but Alas, no one was there!?

    so we drove down Hollywood Blvd looking for tents that have popped up in and around our fair city over these last few years.

    i know i know, a lot of these downtrodden men and women are alcoholics and you really shouldnt be giving them garbage bags full of cold beer in the middle of the night light some deranged santa and his long legged blond Ms Claus

    but Bud Light is basically bubbly beer-ish water

    right before we got to the Fonda we saw these two black dudes next to a tent just past the Museum of Death

    i stopped and said, you fellas want some cold beer?

    they both stood straight up and ran over to the car. i popped the trunk, they dug in, said thanks and we were gone.


    so we got back home. amber found 6-7 brown grocery store bags. in each of them we put beer in bottles, hot dog buns(!), candy, more candy, pretzels, chips, water and magazines because i have way too many magazines.

    drove back to the brothers but they were busy inside the tent drinking

    turned the corner at pep boys and drove to the 101 underpass and saw a few tents

    amber yelled out the window sweetly to this gay guy, would you like some food?

    he jumped up and saw the trunk and amber got out and helped him

    he took all 7 bags. she helped him go back to the tent

    and when she returned she said

    someone was shooting up in that tent.

    which made me sad i didnt put any cold Cokes in there.

    anyways, mission accomplished.

    LAist, once again, giving back to the hood.

  8. Friday, July 14, 2017

    can someone ask AC/DC WTF re: Back in Black song order 

    to me the story of Back in Black is one of the greatest miracles in all of rock

    because how do you lose your lovable lead singer in 1979 on the heels of your hottest record to date (Highway to Hell) where you sell out arenas around the world,

    audition new singers, find one (relatively unknown Brian Johnson), have him co-write with you and the very next year,

    it turns out in 8 weeks during a typhoon in the Islands, you’ve made the greatest hard rock album of all time

    the 2nd best selling record in history next to Thriller.

    that shouldn’t happen. your 7th album shouldn’t have so many great songs.

    Consider The Eagles, who also knew how to write songs and sell records, their 7th album was Long Road Out of Eden.


    but my biggest question is a real one: what the fuck is What Do You Do For Money Honey and Givin The Dog A Bone

    and Let ME PUT MY LOVE INTO YOU of all songs

    batting 3, 4, 5 on the 2nd best selling album of all times?

    Isn’t it super obvious that you begin Back in Black with the title cut,

    then that goes into the super obvs pop single of Shook Me, yada yada

    you flip over the record and there’s Hells Bells and Shoot to Thrill followed by the filler?

    How is it inside-out?

    How is this never discussed?

    How has Angus never been asked “was there a fuck up at ATCO?”

    Because that would be fantastic.

    Instead here we are 1,000 years later and I’ve gotta figure out how Shook Me All Night Long ended up being the 7th Song of the 7th Son and



  9. Thursday, July 13, 2017

    it’s been over 30 hours since i’ve had food 

    i did have one banana.

    been drinking this giant tub of water mixed with solution that “cleans you out”.

    which is dumb because everyone knows a bottle of Groovy Grape from GNC does the same damn thing.

    im nervous because i havent dranken all 4 liters of it yet and i hope that doesnt get in the way of the colonoscopy but my shits are liquid and yellowy and clear.

    my mind is all over the place.

    im not hungry, weirdly.

    but i feel like im floating.

    there are many stages to all of this. super bizarre. i should have demanded a morning appointment, but all they had was 1:30pm

    i wonder about the poor. many of them go for a long time without food. that must be the hardest thing in the world.

    this isn’t right.

    my man ben works at the soup kitchen. met his pretty wife there.

    i used to think soup kitchens are dumb, even though i love soup and kitchens and helping people.

    i used to think, why dont they just get a giant bucket of soup and let people scoop it out themselves?

    but i dont think thats the entire point.

    the entire point might be more along the lines of human contact being necessary

    eyes meeting eyes. greetings. hi. i hope you like this. i hope your day is better. i hope you know that all of this is just dust in the wind. that ours is something bigger somewhere else.

    that you are me and we are all together.

    i think thats the entire point.

  10. Wednesday, July 12, 2017

    im starving 

    theyre gonna put a thing up my butt tomorrow.

    a thing with a camera on it.

    to make sure they can see what they need to see i cant have any food in there.

    so i cannot eat food today.

    i have gone through a variety of emotions.

    ive wanted to fight, cry, scream, now im chill for some reason.

    weird because i should be half way through a meeting right now, but my meeting was bumped.

    so im waiting for my meeting to be allowed to take place.

    all i wanna do is go home and cry.

    a nice Jewish girl who i work with pointed at my apple juice and said,

    “you’re having a party right now. once a year we don’t get to eat OR drink anything.”

    that made me feel better.

    she said they also think spiritual things when theyre fasting.

    like they are supposed to think about all the bad things they’ve done that year.

    i was all, ive done a lot more than can be handled in a day.

    the other day though i did something good.

    at the xbi we call it: saved a cat from a tree.

    this cat was in a tree that was on fire.

    afterwards i thought i could just play it off but i had to see a doctor to remove a bullet from my side.

    so i went and ate steak to get some of that meat back.

    its been a week of losing blood, giving blood, eating bloody meat.

    and now eating nothing and being forced to be patient.

    tomorrow theyre gonna put that camera in me and i hope they dont see anything bad.

    im the only bad thing.