nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, July 31, 2017

    because the Cubs are angels on earth, they gave Bartman a ring 

    im not good at forgiving people

    im very good at holding a grudge.

    my thing is if you got on my shit list you probably got there for more than one reason.

    and because im half Scorpio im not gonna give you a 100th chance to hurt me again.

    and because im mostly Libra there arent very many places where you can hurt me. so if you hurt me im actually a little surprised that you found that place.

    and if you got on the shit list you found that place and despite several warnings you kept at it. either you betrayed my trust or you abandoned me or you massively pissed me off.

    Steve Bartman ruined the Cubs’ chance to get into the World Series.

    and when he did he was pelted with beers and dogs and garbage and run out of the city of Chicago.

    he is still in hiding.

    he doesnt give interviews or write a blog or even send out homing pigeons. he sits in his basement with his new name and new family and tries not to get murdered by a Cub fan with anger issues.

    up until November Steve Bartman was on my Shit List Short List. like that little girl in Game of Thrones his name was close to my heart and if i ever crossed paths with him I would not let him forget the one thing that i knew he hadnt forgotten and im sure i woulda felt sad about it because my heart is filled with love, not hate.

    but hate sure has a few bedrooms in the building.

    but today the Cubs gave Bartman a ring. They put his name on it. And somehow the message reached to him and he messaged back.

    he said he was not worthy of the ring but he appreciated it and it represented the way people should treat each other.

    somehow Bartman had a great ticket for a playoff game. i believe he was a Cub fan. i believe he got caught up in the moment and made a mistake.

    i believe it was the worst mistake he’d ever made.

    i have made a few mistakes. one of them i asked forgiveness for and i was granted forgiveness.

    but because i STILL feel so bad about it, i don’t even believe that i was really forgiven.

    in fact i think it will keep me from entering Heaven.

    i used my superpowers for selfish reasons. and then i hurt someone very very sweet.

    that action has changed me.

    i am not as full of love as i once was.

    i am more guarded because in some ways i dont even trust myself any more because i dont ever want to hurt anyone like that again.

    id love to blame the xbi but this was all me.

    i fucked up.

    i am so sorry.

    i will forever be sorry.

    im sure Bartman will also be forever sorry.

    but now he has a ring, from the Cubs, that says, it’s ok bro. move on. get on with your life.

    and for the Cubs to do that is just another reason i love them so much.

  2. Sunday, July 30, 2017

    i invite you to let the spirit of Prince ease out of you today 

    the real reason i no longer work for the xbi is because you cannot lie to the lie detector

    every now and then the xbi will poison their agents, one by one,

    and give them a thorough mental evaluation.

    sometimes the poison is laced with LSD or magic mushrooms or ecstasy or combinations of all three

    they’ll sleep deprive us, starve us, torture us, and then give us more poison in the jugs of water

    which we foolishly chug down from thirst

    and then, voila, the truth comes out.

    the last 9 out of 10 trips to the lie detector revealed one thing that scared the xbi to their bones

    at my heart i am a Christian minister.

    because when stripped down to my essence, i was told, i would invite my superiors, my torturers, my bosses, to

    look for the spirit of Good, and Creativity, and Sexiness

    and let it come out in tiny ways.

    indeed, right there, tied up, with a light shining in my eyes, and eye drops being dropped in my eyes

    i would say things like, “ours is the kingdom of Heaven. what will be your dance steps once the Pearly gates are parted?”

    for a while the xbi let this go on because i was fantastic in the field, and the bible is filled with tales of war and destruction, but somehow they failed to realize that the holy trinity was equal parts father, son


    holy spirit.

    and when i was chopped down to the knees, i would teach them about the spirit

    about their souls

    and about how when a fastball is thrown perfectly

    it moves

    and that funkiness keeps it from being hit

    that funkiness defies science

    because that funkiness

    is funk.

    the thing the fearful fear.

    but its the thing that is closest to God than anything you could write down on paper.

    or slide into a spreadsheet.

    or pin onto a wall.

    and its essence, in modern day human form,

    was Prince.

    so, I concluded, reportedly, repeatedly, was

    how are you gonna be funky today babies

    and what color cape will you wear?

    and they let me go.

  3. Saturday, July 29, 2017

    she said come over here, i was all where 


    said under here

    i said underwear

    we were in the south of france in the rain on a farm

    in a barn

    outside the kids were playing in the pool

    little mint sprouts growing all around the edges

    i guess theres no chlorine in the pool to kill em

    maybe they aint got chlorine in france i thought

    poor french

    we gave em mcdonalds, spaghetti-o’s, 3D movies, and I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, but somehow chlorine – which sounds french – didnt make it on the boat.

    it was 20 years ago.

    even then i felt old.

    thats the funny thing about life, you’re never really where you wanna be in life

    or the age you think you should be

    or in the car you think you should drive

    but for that week all was right.

    all was perfect.

    for that week the cows were the right ones

    the wine, the friends, the girl, the hair, and even though we were poor

    we all got on planes and jetted over seas in the summer to party hearty.

    because maybe all the time

    everythings more perfect than we think.

  4. Friday, July 28, 2017
  5. Tuesday, July 25, 2017

    sometimes you should just sit right there 

    i never learned to rap

    or breakdance

    or sing in a way that makes the young girls cry.

    but i have learned how to deal with uber passengers who cancel.

    yesterday i was doing so well. first ride went from here to there.

    next ride went there to here.

    and then i cruised up wilshire from the beach past OJ’s to Bundy when ping!

    it was an Uber Select ride, my favorite so i did a U-turn and waited and she canceled.

    i was a little mad because there i was, clean car, vacuumed rugs, Sinatra on the stereo.

    so i looked to see if i was there long enough to get the $5 cancelation fee.


    but when i checked i saw that she was gonna be going to Atwater Village. which is a great ride for me.

    so i looped around again because maybe she needed to take a quick leak or smoke a bowl or take out the trash

    and in 5-10 minutes she would make my day.

    well, friends, she came out of that door 1 minute later and said are you my uber?

    i said sure am.

    she said can you cancel this guy then?

    i said no but you can if you want.

    and she did and she hired me and we drove and $60 later i was 10 minutes from my home and i laughed and laughed and laughed

    but i still regret not learning how to spin on my head.

  6. Monday, July 24, 2017

    saw a good movie: ‘From The Land Of The Moon’ 

    first the plan was dunkirk but dunkirk was sold out, so we didnt see nothin

    next day amber’s all, lets see ‘From The Land Of The Moon’

    marion cotillard. free at the academy sunday afternoon.

    but for some reason i wanted to see dunkirk even though it was getting mixed reviews.

    problem is im cheap and the ONLY way anyone was recommending seeing dunkirk was in IMax 70MM

    high on cocaine 3D where the chairs move and every 20 minutes ushers douse you with ketchup.

    half hour before the cotillard’s french flick started amber goes,

    lets see if we can get to the academy in time and if we do then great.

    we got there 5 minutes late but still went in.

    sucked me in immediately because shes crazy and who doesnt love crazy french women.

    very french, very romantico in a Bell Jar way if the dude in the Bell Jar was a handsome man from Spain

    super glad i saw it because these are the types of films i used to see with Michele and i miss that.

    also glad because it was good and we should champion good movies.

    not just spectacles.

  7. Sunday, July 23, 2017

    and i guess that i just dont know 

    everything went backwards yesterday

    and i flow by the go for the most part

    if the movie that youre in starts playing different tunes,

    i’ll see you on the dark side of the

    omg i left my phone in the uber

    what do we do?

    well i am at my office

    but theres a zillion people trying to get into Dunkirk

    line around the corner with 5 minutes to go till the screening

    hey lets go in through the garage

    hey lets take the elevator up up up

    hey can we get out where the cinema is

    nah, thats bad karma

    but you dont believe in karma do you Christian

    nah but i believe in – yeah i guess i believe in that too

    hey you work on that floor

    hey is that your computer

    hey is that your receipt from the ride

    hey is this uber, i lost my phone

    hey the drver will be where you be in 15 minutes just enough time for you to take a leak kiss a girl and step outside

    hey dude thanks for coming back heres $20 can you drive us to DTLA

    hey lets get a margarita before we go in

    hey lets see the hotel you wanna transfer to

    hey lets have a taco

    hey lets not see that movie

    hey lets go in that alley and get groovy

    hey lets get lost

    hey lets walk and walk and walk





  8. Saturday, July 22, 2017

    you are loved you are loved you are really really loved 

    hot babes in LA are like fancy cars. everywhere.

    i dont think ive ever seen an ugly girl here.

    not one.

    had this slick young black dude from manhattan in the back.

    he was, “i did NOT see a bentley convertible just pass two Maybachs on the same block.

    i was all this is beverly hills. that doesnt happen here it doesnt happen.


    pretty girl with a dimple and light eyes says look at that im gonna be on time

    we were going from venice to restaurant row, across town.

    she said 30 minute ride? im normally late.

    i asked her her star sign.

    she said aquarius.

    i said, interesting thing about aquarius is after they complete a big task

    like host a baby shower or do a big report or something

    they feel empty.

    because they are the water bearers and their giant pot is now gone.

    i said, does that ring true to you?

    she said no.

    i said good astrology’s for the birds

    we were headed to the most expensive sushi joint in all of LA

    i said im jealous of you

    she said im jealous of me

    i asked where she went to college. i dont know why. but i always do.

    maybe because i just wanna talk about ucsb.

    everyone smiles when you mention it.

    she said usc. i said omg did you hear about your medical dean?

    she was all scandal!

    we bonded beautifully then sighed

    i miss college, she

    me too, me

    sometimes i think of all the books i should have read there

    i said, i still got so many of mine, still unread

    she said i dont think ive ever finished a book


    i said why do you think thats the case?

    she said, maybe because i feel sad after i finish things

    and then winked at me when she caught me looking

  9. Wednesday, July 19, 2017

    from the beginning they said he had ties to russia 

    even during the run up to the election

    he even spoke into the camera and said hey russia

    and winked

    he is under investigation

    his former national security advisor had to be resigned/fired because of the russians

    no one believes he could have won without them

    and what about that pee tape?

    then we find out that after the extra long G20 meeting

    they had a super secret special meeting

    with just trump, putin and a translator

    the perfect time for the two to scheme

    hand over the nuclear codes

    and give our sworn enemy all the secrets that could fit in trumps weird little head

    they said obama would be dangerous. they said hillary would be dangerous. whats more dangerous than this dude working without any help up against two russians


    while clearly owing the russians a favor.

    what have we done

  10. Tuesday, July 18, 2017

    theres fires in santa barbara right now 

    those hills never stood a chance

    it never rains enough

    its always so sunny

    rays from around the universe come to santa barbara all year round

    a sunshine convention

    everyones got name tags

    they get a little too drunk right around last call

    then the magnifying glasses come out

    and before you know it those light green and yellow hills


    i used to want to put irrigation up in the malibu mountains but

    everyone says sometimes aint nothing you can do except let nature do its thing

    let all the conventioneers sing

    let their voices flitter up to where they came from

    let their badges curl up

    and wither into the never.