if cats cared they wouldnt be called cats

theyd be called nurses.

nurse came over my house the other day and said

stick out your tongue

say ahhhhhh

how many fingers am i holding up

whats the square root of sandwich

why does the free bird sing

if a train left chicago on wednesday how many cold cokes will be in its fridge when it arrives in los angeles’ union station

why dont you floss more

why is your door open

youre not mr goldblum

what are all these hats on the wall

where is your insurance card

you arent mr gold’s son

please put your shirt back on

i said please

if cats cared they’d say please more often.

do you ever feel stuck

like your wheels are spinning

like youre in traffic that aint moving

like youre trying to get your robe on but you cant find the sleeve hole

like youre digging and digging but

like youre searching and searching and

like youre dialing and

why am i dialing?

is this a dream? didnt we outlaw dreams?

like youre burying and burying

like youre swimming and

treading water

and splashing

and looking

and doggy paddling

and floating

and floating





bear with me

took the cats in yesterday to get their annual check up and the lady said

these are the most behaved cats ive seen in here in a long time.

which is true, they’re good animals and ive taught them to be chill.

we have this little ESP that they clearly learned from the xbi

and im in the same wave length

today i was over by the beach getting ready to drive a whole lotta

4th of July Uber and Lyft rides when i got a message

yo, you should come back home

even though Prince and Michael can deal with rectal exams and weird offices

the booming of the fireworks in Hollywood apparently made them


as i drove through LA fireworks blossomed to the left and the right of me

like a coronation

it made me a little emotional because i love this city so much

and the weather was perfect and seriously every block there were little groups of people

just launching surface to air missiles with beautiful results.

for my entire half hour drive

boom boom ahhhhhhh

got home and the cats first pretended like it was all nbd

but soon they were both in my room,

high up by the tvs

and alert.