dear tony, i have worthiness issues

tony. i am rich. i am beautiful. i have a house that is shaped like a boat and my girlfriends come over and we frolic and drink wine and wear floppy hats.

but when my husband comes home i wonder, LIKE ALL THE TIME, do i really deserve this life? and it haunts me. 

ive spent thousands in therapy. but i come to you. what can i do?



dear floppy hat woman,

for a long time i was in your shoes. and they hurt. you wear crazy high heels.

but you also have shoes that dont fit you. they are for someone else.

your house, your man, and your inflatables, though, are for you.

how do i know? because you have the key, the ring, and when you jump in your pool you are not arrested.

it is yours. own it. fucking pee in the pool for all i care.

your life is yours. but i will be honest here. i know that no matter what you do, no matter who your shrink is, no matter how much you give to charity or how often you drown your anxiety with pills and booze, you will never be truly satisfied because of this:

you know as well as i do that this isn’t the final exam. you and i both know that the empty spot in your heart has nothing to do with sex drugs band girls money.

and unlike what yr shrink says it has nothing to do with your mommy or daddy. they may have contributed to that annoying voice in your head but Clowntime is Over, Elvis. you’re a big girl now. shake it off.

the only person you should care about is Jesus.

how is that scoreboard in Heaven gonna read out when you’re done with these little games on Earth that have to do with carpet samples and hiding cords into dry wall? will Jesus accept you into Paradise City?

and why should He?

pouring out soup to homeless on Skid Row isn’t the answer either, although it’s a good step in the right direction.

but ask yourself, how are you with those around you? are you a real friend, are you a good wife? are you a good kid. are you helping like REALLY helping your hood? or are you selfish? it’s not really What Would Jesus Do, but what would Jesus want You to do.

He wouldn’t want you to be a fucking dipshit brat thats for sure.

But bigger than that: he would want you to be Wonderful.

so be Wonderful.

every day.

take a break on Sunday.

but get back to it during the week.

you know how to be wonderful to everyone.

why on Earth would you hold that back.

ps dont pee in the pool.