nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, October 18, 2017

    you can’t say you beat LA in 7 games unless you lose 3 first 

    i was sick yesterday. from the wind? from the stress of the game?

    from the lady this weekend who sat behind me coughing as i snapchatted our panels?

    who knows. all i knows is i lazed around yesterday not thinking of nothing and i feel better today.

    you know whats weird about life? no matter how old you get there will always be someone who thinks they know about what you know better than you.

    look no further than no drama obama.

    my man took us from the depths of a recession into so much prosperity that even after he is gone the stock market is booming and unemployment is lower and lower.

    but do people run around saying OMG OBAMA THANK YOU?

    no. in fact they LET all the fakers and liars say the opposite.

    so if that happens to someone who so clearly turned the ship around, imagine what theyre saying ’bout you willis?

    and trust me, i know i throw a lot of curveballs. i dress humbly the way the bible says. i live humbly as the gospel preaches. but i work hard, i skate fast, and i leave behind a path of smiles and laughter.

    meanwhile those who leave in their wake heartache, confusion and misery are held higher because they wear a dress shirt.

    i wore a dress shirt at the LA Times and that didn’t keep me from getting canned even after i took top of the ticket from a half million to a million to two million to three million month after month.

    if people dont want you around theyre not gonna care what you do to the scoreboard. theyre gonna make up lies. theyre gonna say that wasnt really a recession theyre gonna say those numbers are fake news theyre gonna say

    republicans woulda turned it around faster.

    so heres the good news. you do move the needle. you do make things better. you are the i in team.

    you are the magic in the makeup

    so stop making up negativity.

  2. Monday, October 16, 2017

    apparently a walk off home run was hit by the dodgers last night 

    i wouldnt know because the television was turned off seconds before the critical moment.

    a pretty girl in my home was the one who did the honors.

    moments before the moment she asked

    why did the batter, then the pitcher, then the catcher all call time out?

    i said because everyone’s very nervous because a hit ends the game and an out gives the Cubs another chance to take this series to Wrigley tied up.

    she was very hyper for some reason as i stood in my bedroom staring at the tv

    rooting each and every pitch

    as my cats snoozed on the nearby bed.

    then suddenly she lunged towards the electronics and the tv turned off.

    she didn’t hit the power button on the remote

    she literally unplugged the complicated set-up.

    i raced to the living room to fire up the tv there because Lord knows how long it would take me to resuscitate the bedroom situation

    but the living room tv betrayed me as it needed to warm up and and and ahhhhhhh so i ran back to the bedroom and began the arduous task of rewiring the setup

    and as i did i heard the familiar strains of Randy Newman’s “I Love LA”

    the 30+ year old song that the Dodgers play at the end of a victory.

    the television did not show me anything but a sickening blue screen of death

    but it did let me know everything i needed to know

    because of that music.

    i knew the Cubs had lost.

    they would not be playing that delightful tune if mighty Casey had struck out.

    i stopped what i was doing.

    i put on my pants and a shirt.

    i found my phone.

    i kissed the girl on the cheek, and said, i need to take a walk.

    she said, i didnt mean to–  i said, i know you didn’t.

    i know.

    and i drove.

    and i drove.

    to the 99 cent store

    and bought $27 worth of fuck if i know what.

  3. Saturday, October 14, 2017

    the good thing about uber and lyft is 

    let’s say you get popped by a damn red light camera not coming to a full stop

    and let’s say that the fine is $500

    you really can go out into the world at all hours

    and you can make that $500 in a week, or a week and-a-half

    i went to court on Friday at like 8:30am and paid the $10 cash to park in the court basement

    it was cash only.

    and i wondered why does the beverly hills court want cash so badly?

    aren’t all-cash operations only doing that because they wanna dodge some taxes?

    so why is a city doing that?

    is there graft in the poshest city in LA?

    and i went to the cour room and there were a couple dozen of us there.

    and we read our names on the print out and the balif said some funny jokes, one of them directed at our dear president.

    and we plead guilty, not guilty or no contest.

    it was a judge pro-tem so he was extra careful to explain everything beautifully.

    and along the way i overheard someone say there was video on the website, not just still pictures.

    and i was all uh oh. because all i had seen were the still pictures and those didn’t really prove anything. well today i saw the video and i wish i had seen it before i plead not guilty because after further review im so guilty they should impeach me from office.

    cubs lost today too.

    but they were supposed to.

    tomorrow im pretty sure they will win. mostly because they played well today even though they were tired AF.

    and it was hot.

    and sometimes the stars are conspiring against you.

    and i should slow down anyways.

    lifes a cabaret, old chum.

  4. Friday, October 13, 2017

    the libras biggest struggle is to truly let go 

    im not a control freak. i swear.

    i feel like im the best team player because i know what its like to be the leader, the quasi leader, and the not leader.

    these people get in the uber and theyre so used to being the leader that they think they gotta tell me how to get to the airport

    and im all, negro, do you know how many times ive gotten someone to the airport

    in rush hour traffic, on the 405?

    and youd think if you have a benz and its clean and theres a liscense plate that says


    and the license plate holder that says 2016 world series champs

    and miles davis is playing

    and ive got water, mints, and a super long cord

    that id be trusted.

    but no.

    some people think they have to do it all and im all sit back and let me do

    what im best at.

    what if it turns out that i was never meant to be a writer or a director or a baseball manager

    but i was meant to be the worlds greatest uber driver.

    would that be so bad?

    theres some people who will never be the worlds greatest anything.

    i appreciate people so much. i see them. i know they see me see them.

    people should try to be the worlds greatest something.

    they should strive.

    i strive like crazy.

    im over here striving my head off.

    but ok mr advertising exec tell me how to drive on the 405.

    the jungle i was sent to this planet to traverse across.

  5. Thursday, October 12, 2017

    theres like four days a year when i have to work late 

    and tonight was one of them: the student academy awards

    there was nothing i could do about it. had to work.

    i got some peeks here and there throughout the crazy night.

    but for the most part i had to just trust

    which i can’t say i did. but i tried.

    did what i had to do, didn’t do a bad job, considering

    and listened to the last inning as i sped home trying to see even a glimpse of it

    but when i was parking they won. they won that damn game!

    they head here, to LA!

    i could see it. it’s just money. but it’s a lot. and Dodger fans aren’t the coolest come playoffs.

    and last year during one of the games Todd and I just sat in the outfield bar

    for good luck.

    i could do that anywhere.

    and thank God i now have that option.

    whooooo hoooooooooooo!

  6. cop shows up in my uber backseat, an undercover one 

    he has a beautiful wife.

    but as i have told many before, i can find out everything about my passengers within the first 5 minutes of the ride as long as they talk to me.

    it’s like that weird 20 Questions game you can get at the drug store as a stocking stuffer.

    whenever i pick up someone from a hotel i ask them if theyre in from outta town and usually they are. so i ask them where and they tell me.

    this pair was from Denver. they seemed rich. it was a fancy hotel. Uber Select. going to a fancy restaurant. so i say, may i ask you a question about where youre from?

    they straightened up with excitement.

    i said, LA will soon have legal weed. your state has had it and has made a billion in tax revenue in less than a year. that seems like a lot of pot. has it negatively affected your city at all? has anything drastically changed?

    then he revealed to me that he was a cop. he said that the only thing that has changed is more tourists come to town. other than that crime is neither up nor down. all is well. then he added this:

    “the sheriff and i sit on his porch and pass a joint back and forth. it’s nice.”

    he did say this interesting fact… that emergency room visits are up, usually from hotels, of tourists who buy edibles and eat too many of them and freak out. they get rushed to the hospital where they just have to wait for the THC to get through their system.

    i said, so if LA was to learn anything from Colorado it would be to pay great care to edibles?

    he said yes. make sure they are clearly marked with the dosage and each cookie or brownie or whatever should be equal to ONE DOSE.

    it was a very pleasant conversation and he gave me a $5 tip and then said

    I’d give you $4.20 but you were superb.

  7. Tuesday, October 10, 2017

    social media is the thing people still don’t know how to feel about 

    the other day ESPN, a channel sports fans like me have loved since its inception, suspended a

    sports analyst

    for tweeting her opinions about something happening in sports.

    to be specific, she was tweeting about an ongoing NFL protest where a handful of players are kneeling during the National Anthem to bring attention to the fact that police are killing black people, many of whom are unarmed, and not paying a price for their crimes.

    companies for eons have had the upper hand on the public voices of their employees but once blogging and now Twitter have risen up, the companies are panicked because OMG what happens if an employee tweets something controversial?

    the double edged sword of social media is people are either posting things benign like pictures of puppies or babies, or extremely controversial items like their feelings about politics.

    what these companies dont realize or want to agree to is that Control is an Illusion. and when you suspend an analyst for analyzing you look a bit hypocritical – especially when many public-facing personalities are being judged by how many twitter followers they have.

    look no further than our president who was praised by the mavericky way he was able to reach out to his millions of followers on twitter and speak his mind.

    so it’s a bit odd when the leader of the free world can tweet whatever he wants, but the people in the free world are punished for it.

    that dynamic is what the original europeans who settled here were escaping from: royal tyranny

    this country, stolen from the native americans, was built on the idea that one could express their feelings – particularly about issues of The State – without being punished.

    for if the people cannot speak truth to power in America

    the home of the brave

    on any platform, from blogs to tweets,

    then we have bigger issues than police murdering people in cold blood.

    which is fucking crazy.

  8. Monday, October 9, 2017

    Matt & Lynda say hi 

    when i first moved to LA in 1984 I immediately fell in love with the LA Weekly because it not only told me all the cool bands that were playing at all the clubs

    but it employed two comics that were so good it was ridiculous: Matt Groening’s “Life in Hell” and Lynda Barry’s “Ernie Pook’s Comeek”.

    the Weekly also ran David Lynch’s comic “The Angriest Dog in the World” which was also bizarre and awesome, but Matt and Lynda’s, despite being regularly dark in tone, often revealed a heart of gold.

    last night long time chums (since college!) Matt and Lynda came to the beautiful Ace Hotel and talked and showed slides of their life and work and just were delightful.

    Matt talked about how he came about transitioning from his Weekly strip to TVs longest running sitcom and Lynda talked about creativity and  drawing with both hands at the same time and drawing with your eyes closed.

    the crowd was in to it but the place was not at all full. Some young people were there and not impressed. but i was. here were two people who have made careers about of being weird and delightful and creative and dark.

    i want that. i am that. i can be that too. but will i ever be able to get paid handsomely for it?

    it made me think of my buddy todd francis and also jason ross. neither have had to sell out. both can be just as juvenile as they please AND feed their families.

    isn’t that what this is all about?

    afterwards Amber and i went to Mr. Ramen. then drove through Echo Park. then took pictures.

    she was such a good sport because she didn’t really know Lynda and all her books and her novel

    but she sat there and laughed and all was well.

    this morning i woke up at 6am to drive some Lyft passengers around.

    Lyft had a promotion to get us out of bed. double the fares.

    it got me out of bed.

    i made $80 with just two rides.

    and the second ride got me back home pretty much.

    where i am right now watching amber put on a little white dress in my closet.

    life could be worse.

  9. Saturday, October 7, 2017
  10. Thursday, October 5, 2017

    drove two coworkers to the chance the rapper show 

    it was actually one coworker and his hot babe girlfriend

    we talked about all the normal things: the bible, isla vista, frat houses, halloween and films starring child actors.

    sometimes i think the world would be better if i just let the passengers talk when i drove them

    theyve got good stories to tell i bet

    clearly mine are good

    but imagine the modern day mark twain was sitting back there

    and i didnt even give bro a chance to tell me about the time he took a steamboat down the mighty Mississip?

    or about the time he painted a fence white with his homie Huck.

    or that one raft ride he took with Nigger Jim?

    odds are my passengers dont have stories about life on the mississippi

    but what if they have even better tales

    tales of nights drinking mead around a round table

    stories about trading arms for hostages

    lies about how the 2nd amendment isnt a raging dumpster fire of tragedy slowly tearing out country apart.

    afterwards i drove home, woke amber up from her nap, then she went to work

    then i was alone.

    all night.

    except for the cats who befriended me,

    but only because they were hungry.