1. Tuesday, November 28, 2017

    yesterday i did something that i never do 

    money is something that i try not to sweat about because ive seen people sweat over it and it’s not a pretty scene

    ive seen people buy all these books about “wealth” and they go to these phony churches about “abundance” and its all a big barrel of bologna because we have seen rich people and poor people and unless you are super dooper poor (which sucks) there are just as many happy people who are so-called middle class as there are who are super rich

    infact i have noticed that the rich tend to be slightly less happy than the average american because the rich also buy those dumb books and go to those dumb churches and talk about stocks and real estate and now bitcoin in the locker rooms of their gyms or at the car wash waiting for their tesla to get dry

    and its just money money money and never love, never art, never joy omg never.

    so i have done a pretty good job, i think, of just having two jobs or a job and a half and trying to live among my means and going to a couple of rock shows a year and trying to find the beauty in everything, not just in consumerism

    but sometimes you just feel ripped off and you have to do something about it.

    yesterday i was on the website of service that i use. i have used this service for years and years. and i enjoy it. i pay $250 a year for it, which whatever, it’s a miracle service and it does what it promises.

    but yesterday i was on the website because they bill me once a year and i wanted to know which day in december i was gonna have to get hit by that big deduction and i saw this huge banner ad once i logged in. it said 12 months for $60. i was all, ho baby

    and there was a chat option where i could just sit there and talk to an agent about this and it was obvious he was from a foreign land and i do try to be nice to people because it wasnt that long ago that i was working at PeopleSupport and i was one of those customer service people talking to someone and i said yo yo can i please have that spectacular deal. and this person wasnt as talented on the chat as i was and led me on and finally said oh i cannot give it to you because you dont qualify.

    and i said actually i am alive so i qualify.

    the person said no you do not qualify so i said you know what i can do, i can cancel and play the little game and in a week or a month you will come back to me and offer me a fantastic deal, would you like that?

    and the person said oh youd like to cancel oh im sorry i will have to forward you to the team who does that.

    i said, look, im, deep down, a very very bad person. when i was young this group of very scary superheroes put a chip in my head and trained me to fly a helicopter but instead of using those powers for evil like they wanted i started using them for good because the Bible is my favorite book and they kidnapped me and stuck me in this prison in santa barbara called xbi and there i found others like me and we broke out and formed a band called the Reluctant Surgeons and we traveled the world kissing girls and aint no way your so called team is gonna do for me the things that youre gonna do for me because you are gonna give me that plan for $60 or youre gonna cancel me

    he said i cant

    i said i believe in you

    he said no one has ever said they believe in me

    i said thats because no one is as good as i am

    and he said let me transfer you to my boss. i said killer.

    the boss came on and said hey click this link. and when i did it booted us out of the chat and i could hear him cackling in the faraway land where they were doing this job for peanuts.

    so i called the number and i waited and i said cancel me right now how dare you. and the woman said oh im so sorry why do you wanna cancel and i said because i was treated unfairly first by your web site and then by the chat interface dudes and ultimately by humanity itself.

    and she said you and me both sister, how about i just give you the $60 deal. i said <3

    she said whoops but it will be $63 after tax is that ok, and i said i dont cry but if i did i would be crying tears of joy right now.

    and in a minute i got a text confirming the price and i felt good for an entire 11 minutes.