nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, January 11, 2018

    how do you prove you’re creative 

    how do you show someone you’re the one

    how do you say im a great leader but im also good on a team

    what if you show them a goal where its you and four of them

    and they say but wheres your teammates?

    can you say my teammates are in my heart?

    can you say my teammates passed me the puck?

    can you say my teammates are the wind beneath my wings?

    how do you do anything if you think about it so much?

    yogi berra was in this terrible slump and his manager casey stengel was all, yogi do this

    then his teammate mickey mantle said, yo yogi try this

    then his other teammate billy martin said, pizan why arent you doing this?

    so yogi went to the plate and struck out.

    he moped back to the dugout and before anyone could say anything he yelled


    how do you tell them you could always hit

    how do you tell them the luck in your life has always been your great teams

    not your hits?

    and your wins were always shared experiences that you loved loved loved

    which is why youre still friends with everyone.

  2. Wednesday, January 10, 2018

    hi innernet, did you miss me? 

    yeah me neither.

    stopped by my man dave’s pad last night with amber and we were chit chatting for a little. his boys were even more adorable than they are on instagram.

    funniest thing happened though. one of them was laughing at me holding this giant sword. the thing was almost as tall as he is.

    and he was waving it at me laughing.

    then he did the best thing, he started pretending the sword was a rifle.

    i was all, are you shooting me with your sword?

    he laughed harder and shook his head.

    Yes! Pew Pew Pew.

    then the other one goes, now imma shoot you wif my gun!

    and he runs and retrieves this giant Batmobile.

    i say thats not a gun thats a car.

    he says not any more and he clicks a button and two missiles rocket out at me, clipping my arm.

    remind me to get one of those blood packs the next time i visit them to freak them out.

    such sweet kids. so much energy. so many hot wheels.

    as we were leaving they were fighting each other a little. i asked the older one, does your little brother ever win?

    he said, no, he kwhys.

    i said all my ex girlfriends used that technique on me.

    and it works.

  3. Sunday, January 7, 2018

    what do i want in life? 

    i want people to be happy.

    i hear a lot of stories. i dont consider myself a very good listener. but for some reason people want to tell me things.

    i hear a lot about how bad peoples childhoods were. or how bad certain moments were. and those traumatic moments stuck with them in a more dramatic way than their happy moments.

    when i think of my childhood i think about riding my bike anywhere i wanted, being an all-star shortstop with a huge afro, getting walter paytons autograph in the nicest way, playing the saxamaphone and then drums, roller skating, kissing diane and her sister heather at the same party

    swimming, playing tennis, golfing in a giant field, sledding, running, jumping, climbing, reading, listening to the radio

    the only negative thing i can think of is not being able to watch the 1975 all star game because i didnt want to eat my vegetables.

    so when i hear some of the truly messed up stuff that some people tell me it makes me so sad because childhood should not be like that

    but adulthood shouldnt be like that either.

    i hear some stories about that too.

    and im like seriously?

    i dont think it’s that hard to be nice to each other.  even when i am at my most frustrated, i try to find an angle where we can both agree and then work from there.

    the reason i am giving up fighting on the internet with strangers about politics is not that its a waste of time, because i dont think it its

    but i do think that communication is one of humans’ superpowers and i dont think God wants us to use that elusive miracle


    to insult each other.

    i think he wants us to use creativity for cooler goals.

    i’ll let you know how that turns out.

  4. got these girls from american somoa 

    beverly hills. outside of the drug store.

    do you know how expensive everything is around here? they asked.

    i laughed.

    i said, you might be in the most expensive square mile in all of the usa.

    they argued that maui might be right up there too, but they didn’t expect what they just had seen on Rodeo Drive.

    i said, i think of it more as an art project. a game. a huge fakeout ballet.

    we will put these things here and see if someone actually does the thing.

    like when some guy developed a $1,000 iphone app, back when apps were just starting.

    for a grand all it did was show an image of a gem and if you clicked it, these words appeared

    i am rich, i deservd it, i am healthy and successful.

    apple took it down after a day.

    but in that day eight people bought it.

    we drove and i told them about how to ride the bus, where Santee Alley is, and where they should stay in Las Vegas, which was their next destination.

    about half way through the ride i turned the heater on even though it wasnt very cold.

    they thanked me the most for that.

    and tipped me two dollars.

  5. Friday, January 5, 2018

    fakers always quit 

    theres a youtube celebrity jackass named Logan Paul who fell into the trap of

    instead of shining his fleeting light on others

    chose to constantly try to one-up himself by being more and more obnoxious

    and extreme

    than all the other youtube jackasses including his jackass brother.

    he did it by visiting japan and instead of showing his millions of fans

    the beauty and culture and magic of the island

    he instead took a walk inside the Sea of Trees

    otherwise known as the Suicide Forest

    which his cameras caught living up to its name.

    when he posted the deceased hanging from a tree, the internet backlash was quick and sure.

    it roundly called the 20something Paul an asshole

    and he shot a video apologizing and then said he was going to take a little break from posting on youtube.

    which, to me, proves that he is a faker.

    a real youtube star never abandons his post.

    did Tolstoy stop writing novels when his life got hard?

    did Woody Allen stop making films?

    not even death could stop 2Pac from rolling out hits, but Logan Paul,

    the moment he becomes actually interesting


    logs off like a bitch.

    this process that he is going through of wrestling between

    Should I Stop Being A Clown


    When Can I Go Back To Being a Worthless Clown

    if done in a realistic manner, could be beneficial to the viewer and youtuber alike.

    Van Gogh painted through this problems, not because of money money money

    but because he was a painter.

    all of these people who quit doing the thing that they allegedly are omg soooo awesome at

    to me, seem like they were only in it for the money.

    which is the most jackassy thing to be in it for.

  6. Wednesday, January 3, 2018

    the lottery jackpot is a half billion dollars 

    which means it’s time to play, what would you do with the money if you won?

    first id get some new shoes. nothing fancy, just some cream colored pumas with a orange stripe.

    next id like to turn this abandoned building into a Dental Express. Cleanings are $20, examinations are $25, extractions are $50, flossings are $10.  sometimes people just want a good cleaning and don’t want to be pressured in to Full dental care. if they want or need more serious work we’ll tell them to go to a real dentist. will it undercut some real dentists? some. but the clients will mostly be people who are not seeing a dentist at all. and this might get more of them to do just that.

    id also like to start a fleet of ice cream trucks. but it’s only for adults. the truck will come around and in exchange for a nice scoop of something you give the dude a coat or a sweater, which will then go to the needy. or you can give them some bottles of water, bread, fruit, medical supplies. the idea is people would donate more, but you have to make it convenient and it’s always nice if you got a little something in return, like a candy bar or an It’s It.

    next will be a chain of purple motels where everyone has to leave by noon. one day stays. if you wanna stay longer you have to bring your sheets and towels to the next room to the left. yes there may be some rotations happening, but the cost is only $34, after the greatest football player ever, Sweetness.

  7. Tuesday, January 2, 2018

    6 easy things a Rideshare driver should do this week 

    1. Take a picture of your odometer – Most drivers will get a deduction based on how many business miles they drove. You’re going to want a few things at the beginning and end of the tax year and one of the most important is proof that you started the year at a certain mileage and ended it at a certain one. Two pictures will help your case. The other is…

    2. Get SherpaShare. This is an invaluable mobile phone app for drivers as it tracks any time you are in a car. It tells you the time, date, route and gives you a little map.  I’ve used it for two years now and it is well worth the $60 a year. It is ironclad proof of your journeys and helps you with your most important expense.

    3. Give your car a great bath inside and out. You should detail your car about 2-3 times a year. They, too, are write-offs and the first of the year is a great time to start fresh with a clean moneymaker.

    4. Make sure your dashcam is working. The dashcam is a great investment, less for protecting you from your passengers (which it may do), but mostly for capturing how opposing drivers interacted with you. If someone hits you, it’s great to have proof that you were not at fault.

    5. Clean out your glove compartment. Totally. Take everything out of there. And clean it. You should only have three things in there, even if you’re just a part time driver: A regular envelope that contains your car registration and your proof of insurance. A large envelope marked 2018 for any receipts you might get when you buy things for your car in cash. Use the rest of the space for small water bottles for your passengers. Now if anyone ever asks for water – or God forbid you get pulled over by the police – you can get into your glove box quickly and have exactly what they need and you don’t look like a crazy hoarder.

    6. Now is the time to find a great tax professional. If there’s one thing Al Capone could teach us all it’s DON’T MESS WITH THE I.R.S. Is $400 a lot to pay for a tax person? It might feel that way, but there’s a good chance a real tax pro can save you a few hundred dollars — legally — since they know all of the ever-changing code and since they do this Every Day. Ask yourself how you feel any time a passenger chimes in to tell you the best way to get to the airport? Don’t you want to say, “dude I’ve done this dozens and dozens of times. Why don’t you sit back and just enjoy the ride”? Now ask yourself, aren’t taxes a smidge more complicated than getting to the airport on a busy day?

    Bonus for those in LA: My tax person is Michaelina Lee. She works for H&R Block in Mid City. I pay the regular fee plus the extra $40 “Piece of Mind”. Last year the IRS wanted to audit me. Thanks to the piece of mind, H&R Block totally took care of it and if they were off THEY pay, not me. She has done the taxes of tons of rideshare drivers and knows how to do it properly. If you are near Wilshire and Highland you should email her at michaelina.lee@tax.hrblock.com

    Have a great 2018!

  8. Monday, January 1, 2018

    i drove from midnight to 3:30am, made two mistakes 

    when i told my mom i was driving on new years eve she said


    theres drunks, druggies, freaks, bad people, hookers, pimps, and worse: the underaged experimenting with drugs and alcohol for one of the first times

    but i drove. first to ambers hotel to drop her off as she worked the dreaded graveyard shif

    and then to the Cafe’s 50 on Santa Monica to read the bible from 11pm until the midnight hour, for several reasons including

    i love the bible
    i hadnt read it yet
    and there i was about to drive on sorta Sunday night, but technically Monday morning, but i was nervous because its written there right in stone, dont work on the sabbath. but does that end when the ball drops? would the Lord understand? am i being greedy? am i being lazy since i barely drove all week and there i was doing it on sunday night / monday morning simply because the rates would be very high for a few hours?

    i read. it was about Saul chasing David through the wilderness as Saul’s son did what he could to protect David. it was beautiful. some say they were gay for each other, and i could see how you could see that.

    midnight i was off. 3x surge, four very loud very annoying pretty young women in short dresses, faux furs and Face Time rolling.

    one in the back seat got a FT from this handsome young man in San Diego who was trying to convince her to meet halfway in Orange County. i was all, “i’ll drive!”

    he promised her steak dinner, she said yeah fool Maestros get up here!

    there was much confusion. horns blaring on his side, criticisms being blared on her side from her friends.

    eventually we made it to Culver City, but not soon enough if you ask me.

    already i could see the roads were going to be packed of buzzed drivers and bad uber/lyft dudes.

    my next ride was a $45 lyft premium ride from Baldwin Hills to Inglewood and then a $44 lyft premium from the Dave Chappelle show at the Forum over to El Segundo. on that one the woman wanted to go to Del Taco but her husband, bless him, was all, no no, theres food in our hotel lobby. we settled on iHop.

    right there i shoulda said, “i just made $100 in an hour. go home. you’re safe. no one puked. you werent in an accident. ”

    but of course i didn’t listen to myself. who quits the super bowl in the 1st quarter?

    around 2:45am, after driving little short deals all night in beverly hills, and two cancellations, i got a ping to the Soho House.

    theres two places to pick people up there, on busy Sunset or on the narrow side street next to the garage. so i called as i approached and he was sorta mumbling, which is a RED FLAG to avoid avoid avoid especially at that hour because it means hes drunk or on drugs or up to something.

    he was drunk.

    and he took his boots off immediately.

    and thank god passed out half way there.

    but when we got there he didn’t know where he was and didnt want to get out.

    frail little pup who claimed to work in the fashion industry. his cigarette broke as he gathered his things, but when he called his friend who’s house we were in front of the worst thing ever happened.

    “my phone died. i don’t know where i am. i want to go home.”

    huge problem because i had already ended the ride and they dont let you re-book with a passenger because they dont trust such things. also we were close to my house, it was late and i did not want to go anywhere else with this dude, who i could tell, was VERY DISAPPOINTED THAT HE DIDNT PUKE IN MY BENZ

    so i charged his phone for him as my flashers blinked and cars had to go around us

    and waited and waited, cursing my life choices.

    it charged. he called. and the prettiest black girl i have seen in a very long time comes waltzing out

    with a scruffy white dude.

    they collect my passenger.

    i clean out the back set of trash.

    and call it a night.

    Lesson: I should have just kept my Lyft on exclusively. it was paying better and on a night like that more Lyft passengers were out and drunk and not caring about price.