nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, February 14, 2018

    sometimes oprah sends amber flowers 

    she is a good girl.

    yesterday i met her near Rodeo after work. it is nice to work near each other.

    i was all, today is your birthday, where would you go if this was your last day on Earth?

    she said !!!!

    i said, no, for dinner?

    all through the day i had been conferring with the ladies at work where to take her. some mentioned this fancy restaurant, others suggested another one.

    so i was prepared.

    but i wasnt ready for her answer.

    CHEESECAKE FACTORY she squealed.

    i was all, ok. but what would you eat there?

    she said salad AND CHEESECAKE!

    so we drove over to the Grove and there was a big line of traffic, she said i hate traffic lets get some pho instead. so i drove that way. on the way she said you know what id really love to do right now? shop at the 99 Cent Store. i was all, you really are a dream come true. what do you want there? she said celery. AND CHEESECAKE! so we drove to the one on La Brea and walked around and all was well. and when it was over and she allowed me to pay her $14 bill, she said, ok im done. lets eat.

    then she said, did you know today is Fat Tuesday? i said no. she said what food would be good for that? i said shrimp!

    so we ended up at Seafood Express which is not romantic, def not something id see written about in Oprah’s magazine, and the furthest thing from what the ladies of the office suggested, and trust me when i tell you that they let me have it today at work when i reported back.

    but man the food was good and we got to see the ice skaters do their thing as we dined on soup and spicy garlicness.

    so heres to amber on her birthday and i hope she continues to embrace her true self.

  2. Sunday, February 11, 2018

    they want what you have 

    one of the more fascinating things about my life is at almost every turn

    and i dont say this as a victim, even though it may come across that way,

    but people want what i have.

    and then they ruin it.

    since day one people have told me how to run this blog: what to put on it, what to delete, what to change up

    theyve had plenty of time to make their own blogs. do they do it? nope.

    three times ive been paid money to run other peoples blogs

    each time the blogs i was handed were ok, and i turned them into something way better than ok.

    and then, after i leave, poof theyre gone, after others swore they wanted to improve them.

    but theyre gone.

    it’s almost like living in a house and no one plays the piano, but then i start playing it

    and it sounds beautiful after a while. and all these people gather to listen and applaud.

    then someone else takes the piano, rolls it down the street, and throws it into the grand canyon.

    maybe thats my lot in life. maybe thats what satan and the lord are doing, like im Job

    but instead of giving me warts all over my body and killing my family to see if i crack

    they just give me notes all day and when im not looking try to murder the sand castles i build.

    but the cubs won the world series, haters, i will never crack now.

  3. Saturday, February 10, 2018

    i complimented someone today on their instagram 

    and they said, oh i love yours too.

    and i thought, how could you? it’s terrible. it’s 10% of whats in my heart. it’s nothing. it’s a sell out. it’s me not trying to lose my job(s).

    it’s me trying not to make waves.

    it is the worst thing a 51 year old man could do: pretend like there’s 75 years left.

    on paper im past my prime. how do i know? how many creative people do you know peaked in their 50s?

    sure i could be one of the first ones. sure.

    suuuuuure jan.

    so what do you do if you can’t do the things you could do when you were younger?

    you fucking floor it. you let em have it. you live by example. you rock the casbah. you show em what youve been bottling up inside for so so so long.

    the last thing you do is go the way of the talentless cowards youve been scoffing at your whole life. and yet thats exactly what i have been doing since, hell, sooooo long.

    did i rock during LAist? yes. was it perfect? it was so unperfect that now looking back at it and reading the archives i wince at sooooo much of what i was writing because i was doing it too fast. i had no time to think. i had to run the whole thing, manage the people, set up the thing, market the thing, and yes, try to be the living example of the thing

    so when do you have time to channel The Spirit?

    hardly never.

    and yet it still came.

    you dont need a lot of time. you just need the desire, the trust, and the platform.

    and by trust, i mean no fear.

    it helped so much that my bosses had my back. it meant everything.

    but heres the truth about it all, your most important boss: Love.

    always has your back

    will never laugh at you

    has no idea what Judging is

    and wants you to do all the nutty crazy and beautiful things that are growing inside of you

    and wants you to spray it on the side of the wall like a firehose.

    this dick trickle shit is for the sucker mcs.

  4. Thursday, February 8, 2018

    quincy jones was interviewed the other day by vulture 

    and it was probably the greatest interview of all time because Q has seen it all

    and he’s like 85 now and he doesn’t care any more

    maybe he never cared. but he sure as hell dont care now.

    so he tells us that he thought the Beatles were terrible musicians

    says that Marlon Brando would have sex with anything that moved

    even Richard Pryor and Marvin Gaye.

    he admits that u2 isnt making good music and producers these days

    are only in it for the money.

    but when all the gossip and nonsense was over he talked about how

    Coletrane used to carry around these music theory books

    and how when you aren’t making music for the right reasons

    “God walks out the door”.

  5. Tuesday, February 6, 2018

    two south african immigrants made news today 

    the first was Elon Musk who sent a rocket ship containing a Tesla car into space this morning

    and then had his rocket boosters fly back to earth safely so he could use them again

    and again and again.

    moral of the story: surround yourself with people who believe that anything is possible

    and you will create miracles.

    the second was the richest man in LA, Billionaire Patrick Soon-Shiong,

    who might take $500 million of his $7 billion fortune to buy the best paper west of Manhattan

    your Los Angeles times.

    moral of that story: sometimes good things happen to good cities.

    always do the right thing, Mookie.

  6. Monday, February 5, 2018

    who’s that bald head in the bottom right corner? 

    sometimes i dont know who to be. sure you’ll say be yourself but

    no, you cant be yourself. because yourself might be someone who honks at someone when they cut you off.

    and then yourself might be someone who flips that person off after they slam their brakes on you.

    and then yourself might be someone who, when invited to join the bad driver into a home depot parking lot


    in life we are sometimes lured into that very same trap and if you’re being yourself

    you just might fall for it, but if you are being the person you have been trained to be

    you politely pass and go on with your day.

    my day started with that bad driver. it was 8am. i was driving amber to pop physique. and then i was off to the annual nominees luncheon where i was to create an Instagram Story to our 1.4 million followers.

    i wasn’t able to get much sleep the night before, but there i was seriously considering being a tad late for work to remind one BMW driver that the person who they cut off, brake check, and flip off

    might be a former xbi agent, who foolishly thought that if he got those plates would send enough of a message to the jerkoffs on the streets to reconsider. but no. twas i who was the fool.

    did my thing at the beverly hills hilton. met some people. chatted with my old boss. didnt make a misstep.

    until i returned back to the office where i had to do some extra. and it was there that your hero hit a wall.

    ran outta gas. threw in the emotional towel. ran out of blood sugar.

    and made some mistakes.

    then on the text message machine, was short with amber, because i was trying to concentrate, and wires were crossed, so we met at the grocery store. and over paid.


    then went to the taco house. and the lady only spoke spanish and thought i said 6 tacos when i meant 2.

    so i was all, whatevs, lets give 4 to the homeless. so i drove to this gas station. amber popped out. i said give him my giant mexicoke too.

    dude goes I DONT WANT YOUR DAMN TACOS, but she convinced him.

    but then he got up and marched from the bus stop bench to a pay phone.

    placed the bottle on top of the phone and i left him in the dust cuz i was all, that fools gonna launch that bottle at us.

    and i didn’t want him to see my magnetic shields in action.

    and god knows who else.

    so we zoomed before it got close.

    i said, just lets get home in one piece.

    then amber said i got us tickets to a show in new york.

    and i was all, new york city?

    pace picante sauce?

    and i am so tired.


  7. Sunday, February 4, 2018

    my man greg sent me this old Lick flier 

    ive always had good friends

    ive always had fast cars

    ive always had a secret weapon

    and ive always read the bible.

    heres a trick if someone is bothering you or stalking you or acting crazy.

    the crazier the better.

    just like how a bullfighter fights a bull

    if the bull is super feisty and wild and bucking around and is all omg i cant wait to kill you, paulie

    you just wave that red curtain at him

    and watch him run for it.

    if someone, even a stranger, even a demonicly infused wildman on the subway

    is taking up your personal space and saying the worst things with stanky breath and evil intent, heres what you can do and i do it every now and then and im telling you it works.

    it works better if you have a pen, like a pocket sized Sharpie is ideal, theyre also good for signing 8×10 glossies when fans run at you at the airport,

    but this will repel salesmen and gang members, suit wearing men and women asking if youd like to take a personality test, or some drunken slob at the bar who’s cornered you next to the jukebox

    just reach in your pocket, pull out your pen

    and if you want, write it on the palm of your hand, but i prefer a cocktail napkin

    or a free postcard

    or a business card of a stranger

    but the hand isn’t bad

    just write

    john 3:16

    and look them in the eye and smile.

    and the bull will rush

    and the crazy will flee

    and the loud will silence

    and you will go free.

  8. Friday, February 2, 2018

    theres two techniques to getting a fare on lyft 

    you can either drive around to your favorite spots

    or you can just go to your most favorite spot and wait.

    usually im too hyper to wait so i just drive and drive and drive. who knows if you are actually driving to the hot spot or if you are leaving where something good was about to happen

    but one thing for sure when you do that: you burn gas

    another thing for sure when you do that: you increase your chances for getting into a crash.

    so over the last few days ive been waiting.

    i just sit there and read twitter or the news or text amber or think about taking a nap.

    last night i was at my favorite spot and i got a ping on Lyft Premiere. bonus: it alerted me that it would be a “long ride” that would take 45 minutes or more.

    typically on a thursday that means it is a trip to LAX, but last night i got lucky and we went to West Hills.

    great guy, undercover hacker, told me all his secrets.

    admitted that americans arent as good as russian or chinese hackers because we are lazy or can become lazy far quicker than our enemies because we get fat and middle class to quickly.

    i said the key to success is the hustle.

    he was all, you got that right comrade.

    we took the 405 to the 101 in rush hour and he noted that i am ridiculously cool under the pressure of traffic.

    what traffic i said as miles’ birth of cool eased out of the speakers.

    he was like, is this miles? i said yep.

    he said, with trane? i said, nope.

    he said, oh with bird?

    i said this was right inbetween that period. after parker, before coletrane. he said where did you learn that? i said every sunday i turn on jazz and read the bible for an hour.

    he said how long have you been doing that for? i said since college.

    he said, how long ago was that.

    i said well, lets put it this way, i had a 300 baud modem at the time.

    and we laughed as we drove through the western valley with its wide boulevards and shirtless denizens

    on an unusually warm last night of january.

    $69 fare + $5 tip.

  9. Thursday, February 1, 2018

    you’ll never feel at home in LA unless you keep moving 

    LA is huge.

    imagine the biggest place you’ve ever been in and quadruple it.

    that will just be the Valley, which you need to know if you are really to get LA.

    then quadruple it again and you’ve got South Central,

    which is where the secret soul of LA is. the actual heartbeat.

    the fakers fly right over south central via overpasses or freeways , but if you live here long enough

    and if you start meeting the right people you will go to a house party off Crenshaw

    you will get your haircut on Florence,

    you might even find yourself at a sample sale near Carson.

    LA goes all the way to Long Beach and inside the weirdest dead ends of downtown.

    everyone hikes Runyon, but if i was the failing New York Times and their laughing stock of an LA bureau here’s what i would do:

    there is a stretch of LA from Santa Monica to DTLA thats as wide as Pico to the south to Sunset to the north.

    i would refuse to run any stories from that stretch an zero from downtown.

    i’d also ignore anything happening in the upper crust of Malibu, Manhattan and Redondo Beaches.

    why? because unless we are talking about crime, 90% of so-called news and features by the mainstream press happen in that narrow band.

    the Pulitzer Prize winning Jonathan Gold is beloved in LA because he uses the entire canvas, not just the same beaten path

    he ventures, he explores, he speaks Spanish, he talks to people of all skin colors and religious beliefs.

    LA is the home of more religions than any other city in the world.

    it is the 2nd largest Spanish speaking city on the planet.

    if all of your sources and all of your stories are about white folk, if all of your touchstones and goals and ideals are based in Caucasian ideals of the 1960s

    then you aren’t really telling the story of LA of today.

    i once dated a girl from canada who was blown away that so many billboards and handmade fliers were in Spanish

    and how many brown skinned people there were on the streets

    and Asians

    and Jews.

    she said, this isn’t what it looked like in “Clueless”.

    if you truly want to cover this city, and most of all, if you really want to love this city, you have to move out of West Hollywood

    you have to break up with your boyfriend,

    you have to stop taking taxis

    and most of all you should start driving for Lyft.

    then you will start to see the real story that is this beautiful city of angels.