nothing in here is true

  1. Saturday, March 31, 2018

    back to the back to the beat y’all 

    i got rhymes so fat and sweet y’all

    ubes had a promotion this morning to get all our lazy asses outta bed on Easter Saturday, a morning that is typically slow, and we know

    so like most smart drivers, i don’t get excited for anything unless it’s 1.9 or over

    so for an hour in large swath on the east side of town they had a 2x surge – but the passenger doesnt pay the surge, ubes does.

    and then in the next hour they had a 2.4x surge from koreatown to the west.

    first ride was this young japanese woman. short ride. we passed a new target near mccarthur park.

    a little one. like a corner store.

    target i asked the silent / shy lady.

    yes! she perked up.

    you are so lucky i said.

    yes, she agreed and settled back into the seat, looking out at the buildings going by.

    $7 for a 7 minute ride. whatever. figured i was near the Line Hotel. figured i should probably circle it a few times because 2.4 times the airport is what it’s all about.

    circled around it once. nothing. circled around again: ping. a mom and her two teenage daughters. Mexican.

    i start the deal and it says Universal Hollywood.

    hey we’re going to Hogwarts i say.

    the ladies laugh, yes!

    i told them how great their hotel is. about roy choi. kogi.

    then i ask, where in mexico are you senioritas from?

    the mom says, mexico city!

    they tell me a little about it and i ask,

    is it true that in mexico city the ladies have to ride Women’s Only busses

    because the men are too — and i made the Grabby Hands gesture with wiggling my fingers

    and they said yes.

    and i said, im so so sorry.

  2. Friday, March 30, 2018

    dont let the cheery disposition fool you 

    i can be very mean sometimes.

    i try to hold it in. i do. i am a Libra.

    but i am also on the Scorpio cusp so that tail is always moving, always wagging, always looking to


    and when it strikes i feel bad because in my heart all i want are the hippie things: peace and love

    i never want to use my superpowers for anything other than to make magic

    and to help people feel wonderful,

    but sometimes someone will cross the line.

    how are they supposed to know that the xbi taught a few of us to read minds.

    how are they supposed to know that their lies trigger a sound only we can hear.

    how are they supposed to know the real reason i shave my head and wear a cubs hat.

    i warn them by driving a car that says xbi right on it

    i write about it all the time.

    and still they treat me like i dont have this curse.

    a black kid in an all white school will never be normal which is why they recruited me and made me

    the polar opposite of normal.

    even less normal than i was gonna be.

    i did and do everything to balance the scales, i dress like poop i eat like poop i let the belly grow

    i mispronounce misspell watch tmz read twitter and dont read books

    i try to fit in but theres no fitting in because even in a facebook message i can tell when youre full of shit

    and that tail will come out

    and i dont miss.

    she says you should write a book and i say baby youre reading it.

  3. Wednesday, March 28, 2018

    weird day today, maybe it was the mercury retrograde lsd 

    my beard is growing in so it’s itchy.

    yelled at this guy at a red light. he rolled down his window. i rolled down mine.

    i did most of the yelling.

    the whole time he was smiling, like he thought he knew me, or worse

    like he was an undercover angel sent from above to see how im doing


    angels always have the little smiles that kill me.

    deep down i was pissed because my uber app wasn’t working right

    and when i called them for help the woman had no clue what i was talking about or how to fix it.

    you could tell she was somebody’s mom in Manila and she needed to make a few extra bucks and all she had to do was type things into a computer and the script would tell her what to do.

    but this wasnt something that a script could fix. a real person at Uber has to reset something, then i gotta reset something

    so i said, i am so not mad at you, lady, i am mad that uber would put you in this situation.

    i said can you just transfer me to your supervisor and she said he’s busy. i said what about the smartest person in the room. and she said she’s busy too.

    i said can you just let me wait. i will wait all night if i have to because im seeing The Darkness tomorrow and Friday is Good Friday and a brother can’t work on Good Friday it’s like the holiest day and then Saturday is

    and the phone disconnected.

    and i was outside the westwood W, parked under a street light.

    it was so quiet you could hear the crickets saying fuck you to each other.

    so i called my mom.

    the best mom ever.

  4. Tuesday, March 27, 2018

    dear tony would you ever change your style just to fit in? 

    even though im a born again Christian who believes in Heaven

    i think the best way to approach Earth is this is the only time we are going to live here

    and we should accept who it is that we are and of course try to constantly make improvements

    but at the end of the day love who we are.

    for example, if i was born a 1976 Sedan De Ville, i could work on the suspension, upgrade the stereo, paint it, and always use premium gasoline

    but i will never be a pickup truck.

    i would be a cadillac and i should be ok with that.

    i was born a tony pierce from chicago

    there are very few models like me

    and this one doesnt work for everyone and thats fine but in actuality we only come in contact with maybe a few hundred people or so

    and most people are relatively cool, so if i am cool with them — IF they are not cool with me, that’s not really my problem because im not gonna turn into a truck even if what they want is a truck, im a caddy, and a nice one, and you can hate me if you want but one thing you will never be able to say about me is i was full of shit, which to me is one of the worst things you could say

    which brings us to the question at hand

    we are all unique, weird strands of dna wearing pants and running around a planet that is spinning in space

    and in a blink of an eye we are going to die.

    you might appease the anxiety in your head by doing an imitation of a human being for the second that you’re here

    but im gonna be me

    and then peace.

    i sincerely invite you to do the same.

  5. Monday, March 26, 2018
  6. Friday, March 23, 2018

    today is liana’s birthday, the only liana ive ever known 

    here we are at the premier of kill bill 2, one of my all time favorite movies.

    do you know rare that is, when you get to go somewhere with someone you like, and its free, and they give you free popcorn and coke,

    and some cool toys and a poster

    AND it turns out that you love the movie?

    what i also like about this picture is her Flip Phone.

    before smart phones there were flip phones. pretty sure in that picture she’s saying, “hello, police, i really dont know this person, can you rescue me?”

    last night it rained and rained and it sounded so good on the window

    amber, who had been napping since she got home, woke up around 11pm

    and said, i am so lucky. and she delivered this sweet little list of all the things she is grateful for.

    i said, i am grateful too.

    and i am.

    so much of my life has been free popcorn, incredible girlfriends, and favorite movies ever.

    and toys and free stuff and flip phones.

    today it’s super sunny out because the angels above want Liana to have a happy birthday today and i hope she has one because she is cool.

  7. Thursday, March 22, 2018
  8. do i have a perfect life? no. 

    is this the life i thought i would have?

    is my savings account what it should be?

    am i driving the car i ever imagined i would be?

    do i look like how i predicted?

    do people view me the way i hope they would?

    is this world the way i hope it would be?

    is this country, this city, this block the way i thought it would be?

    no no no no no.

    but in some ways it’s way better than i could ever have imagined.

    for example my internet speed at home is like 300+ MBs

    alllll the time.

    i can listen to any recording Miles Davis ever laid down just by saying Hey Siri fuck me up with Miles Davis

    i can walk a mile in any direction and eat the best thai mexican or vegan food for less than an hours wages.

    i am in excellent health. my Cubs are going to win the World Series again.

    and my mom is a phone call away.

    this is how i count my blessings after being dragged down into the murky dark depths of twitter each morning.

  9. Wednesday, March 21, 2018

    To the students of Parkland, from Barack and Michelle Obama 

    We wanted to let you know how inspired we have been by the resilience, resolve and solidarity that you have all shown in the wake of unspeakable tragedy.

    Not only have you supported and comforted each other, but you’ve helped awaken the conscience of the nation, and challenged decision-makers to make the safety of our children the country’s top priority.

    Throughout our history, young people like you have led the way in making America better. There may be setbacks; you may sometimes feel like progress is too slow in coming. But we have no doubt you are going to make an enormous difference in the days and years to come, and we will be there for you.

    Barack Obama Michelle Obama

  10. last night amber and i saw Adam Sandler live in concert 

    it was a 2 hour and 40 minute concert stand up show that will soon be on Netflix.

    held in a newly renovated old theater near MaCarthur Park, the joint only held 100 people and because Amber cooperated in rushing across town, we were in the 3rd row

    so you might see us in the film when its released.

    there were many things to love about it

    firstly adams guitar playing is surprisingly good. for a comedian.

    you know how you might go to a party and someone is pretty good but you just go on to the next room because who cares? well the good news is once he stopped playing he told some jokes so dirty that even young amber blushed a bit.

    he also did the saddest song about chris farley.

    it was super good.

    when it was over we drove home and someone had left the stove on. gas flames just fluttering.

    telling us both: your lives are gonna be over soon, party while you can.

    so i slinked into something more comfortable and amber did too and we cuddled up and watched Desus and Mero and then fell asleep watching the Daily Show.

    no matter how glamourous you think other people’s lives are, they’re just like Us.

    then in the middle of the night i experienced something that happens to me about once a year. all this bile in my gut finds a path to my throat while im snoozing. and there it tries to suffocate me. but then the angel in the outfield whispers: wake up fool.

    but last night it also said, and dont barf on the pretty girl.

    and i leapt up and aimed at the carpet.

    and the barf hit the side of  the bed and the oriental throw rug. and not the blonde.


    and in the morning neither of us remembered what happened that well. which is why i have video cams on at all times.

    in vivid colour.