what do you want, who do you wanna be,

how do you want to contribute to this beautiful world

how do you want to reflect the glory of God

how can you honor your mother

where will your name be written when all is said

do you want to be loved so badly you will sell out

would amber want to be your friend

have you forgotten the ideals you had when you were 10

are you following the path of Basics

or The Exceptionals

are you inspiring others to be better

do you make others better

are you a cancer or the cure

it’s not easy to get me jealous

but right now ive got friends in Egypt checking out the pyramids and in Kuwait playing video games with our troops

yesterday i had an interesting dilemma. it was surging 2.5x on Uber but i got a ping on Lyft Premium (which is like a 3x surge).

when i got the Lyft request i saw it was from a gated community near a country club and every time ive picked up someone there it was a short, irritating ride.

and now that Uber and Lyft tells you whether or not it is a long trip or not, i knew this Lyft ride wasn’t going to be a long ride.

so i was tempted to cancel it but i had just lectured all these dumb young kids on the Uber facebook page that you shouldn’t cancel a guaranteed decent ride in hopes that you will get a big fat long ride in a minute or two.

traffic was bad where i was gonna pick them up and again i was tempted, but the Lord led me out of temptation and i got to where i needed to be and there they were waiting for me.

one of the things about these rides is there is the small chance that as you are driving they will say, oh we didnt mean to drop us off here (a short ride) we meant for you to take us Alllllllll the way over here (a long, profitable ride).

but the other pleasant surprise is they can give you a $10 tip because they rich as hell and cool and appreciated you and are good hearted.

and thats what happened. a $10 tip on a $21 ride.

still i want to see the pyramids soon!

today i learned Stiff is worth $90?

sometimes when i get low i think what have i done so far and i think NOTHING

such a question is so subjective because what is value? what is the right answer? who cares what youve bought or “earned” or made.

but tonight i was looking for a Blogger hoodie because i am wearing one right now and i want to wear it a lot because i love it so it would be great to have a backup.

so i went to ebay and one thing lead to another and there i was searching my name to see what would pop up

and holy cow there’s Stiff and someone thinks it’s worth a ton of cash.

i mean, it is the best thing ive ever written, and it is good, and i am proud of it because it’s wild and creative and


and i love it.

but never did i think it would be worth that much.

the seller has a bunch of images from the book like where i signed it. for some reason i just signed it Long Live Vegas which i totally agree with but it gives me no hint as to who i had sold it to.

but the best was the thanks.

it made me laugh because i forgot what i wrote there.

because Stiff is an extension of some of the weirdest stuff from How to Blog i wanted to be honest about that

and i also wanted to acknowledge that the rest of it originally came from this, the world famous blah blog, i thanked myself

“for the use of my own shit”.

i have had a good life. i have nothing to be ashamed of. i have nothing to fear about whatever comes next. there is no pressure other than to peak ontop of peak

and to clean out the kitty litter tomorrow because it’s stinky.

and whatever book i write next i want it to one day get sold for $200.

thank you Blogger for all that youve given me,

because sometimes all we need is a bigass canvas in which to rock.

beyonce ruined everything last night at Coachella

and i do mean everything.

how am i supposed to go to a concert now?

it’s not gonna be as great as she was last night.

how am i gonna even go to a club?

she took everything great about music and dance and spectacle and black pride

and shoved it in our faces

and flicked her long, wild wig at it

and smiled.

i was not a huge Beyonce fan, but last night not only did i, but we all saw the light.

we all saw the power of black girl magic.

she was graceful and fast and smooth and only got better as the clock ticked closer to two hours.

she didn’t rely on video screens or inflatable props

she was so magical that even the fireworks were all fuck this and felt like sparklers.

she had a whole damn marching band on stage with her, all of MC Hammers dancers, the twins from Cirque, an orchestra, and an all girl heavy metal band.

it reminded me of Kanye’s 808 n Heartbreaks redeux show at the Hollywood Bowl mixed with gasoline and twerking. it was the history of black college culture, hip hop, a cookout, and a family reunion when Destiny’s Child appeared and reminded us that you can come home again.

for years the rumors have been that Coachella would drop a boatload to get the Smiths to reunite.

all i can say after what i am still trying to process from last night ON TV

is fuck the Smiths.

beyonce showed us what giving 100% to the grandest idea you could think of looks and sounds like


and it is flawless.

took these two dude from one side of town to the other

if i was a bad person i would have recorded their conversation and transcribed it here for you because it was really fascinating.

but i am a good person. sorta.

they were talking about all these tv deals that they were making and wanted to make.

they were talking about all these women and how powerful they were.

and how powerful they are going to be when they finalize these deals.

all of that was typical Hollywood blah blah blah and i was thinking to myself boring

but then they got bored with that, it was a long ride.

then they started talking about their kids

“did you ever take yours to the Tower of Terror?”

“in Florida, yes?”

“it’s it fantastic.”

“oh man, someone at Disney gave us these passes and we went on that thing eight times. Mary loved it.”

then they talked about this carnival they went to. then Europe.

their tone was so different. so sweet.

i wanted to tell them, do business with that tone and you will rule the world.

they didn’t tip.

guy lombardo of course

what if you just get tired of things after a while.

what if you just overthink things after a spell.

what if you dont wanna share with the whole wide world about your fabulous life and all the pretty girls who kiss you and all the sweet old people who ride in your back seat and

those who tell you about the time that they moved here from north dakota in 1946.

oh really, what did you do when you got here?

i worked at decca records.

holy shit, decca was the label who didnt sign the beatles so they signed the stones and the rest is history.


so tell, me, if you were here in the 40s did you ever go dancing at the Hollywood Palladium?


omg. i heard that one mr frank sinatra used to sing there with a big band and everyone would dance in pretty dresses

i’ll have you know that that very same frank sinatra kissed me on the cheek when i met him.

were his eyes as blue as legend has it?

legend cannot live up to reality — his eyes were bluer than you could ever hope for.

tell me more about decca. i love them so.

well, every two weeks, when you got your check, they would let you pick out 6 records.

which ones do you remember choosing when you first started?

guy lombardo of course!

and when i dropped her off her assistant said, she never talks to uber drivers, EVER

which was the best compliment of all


the best medicine

for some reason i still have friends inside the xbi

one of them ESPed me last night as I was at the Foods Co off Hoover

What are you doing there?


Are you poor now?

ahahah shut up. whats going on bro.

Dude have you been having brutal headaches lately?

yep. for about three weeks.

Well I ran across someone’s screen and they’ve been pummeling you with vicious amounts of pain. What have you done to them?

same old same old.

But, like what spawned all of this? Who did you piss off?

hell if i know. last year i slowed down on my blogging. i thought they’d like that. maybe it’s because i have a girlfriend now?

Why did you do that?!?!

man can’t live on bread alone.

True. True. So what have you done to counteract the onslaught? You should be a mess right now.

easy, ive been doing the one thing they know nothing about.




i just told you.

I didn’t get it.

laughter. does anyone remember laughter?

Are you serious?

it’s the best medicine. and it works. it shines light on the darkness. and best of all it’s contagious. you should try it someday.

Oh and put myself on their radar? No. Thank. You. I will quietly toil away trying to do as little as possible until I can find a way out of here. 

that’s cool. i’ll be over here with a pretty girl, drinking pop, laughing whenever possible.

And being barraged by headaches?

the more you laugh, agent, the less strength their negative vibes affect you. not sure why. don’t care why. but i gotta go, ive probably said too much.

and then i bought some avocados.

in the days of chimpanzees i was a drive in

she didnt mean any harm. long legs. short hair. didnt care.

hopped in the back seat, verified where we were headed and just sat there.

sometimes if they are looking out the window i’ll say something like

so whats happening where we’re going.

and they’ll tell me just going home

or theyre going to a party or

and sometimes they will tell you the saddest thing in the world

like theyre going to a funeral or a bar

or theyre gonna just go to a park and sit and cry.

one girl told me, sometimes i just want to get out of my own neighborhood

walk around where no one knows me

and just think about all the things i did wrong all week.

id say baby you didnt do anything wrong.

and she’d cry super quiet back there.

and id turn up the jazz louder so she could have some space.

and id drive super fast so we could get their quicker.

and give her five stars when we got there.

fuck what people think

50 years ago today Stanley Kubrick’s classic “2001: A Space Odyssey” debuted in Washington DC to mixed reviews, mostly negative ones.

A few days later at its New York premiere, people booed and walked out.

“It lacks dramatic appeal to a large degree and only conveys suspense after the halfway mark…. The plot, so-called, uses up almost two hours in exposition of scientific advances in space travel and communications, before anything happens, [including] the surprisingly dull prolog… Film ends on a confused note, never really tackling the ‘other life’ situation and evidently leaving interpretation up to the individual viewer. To many this will smack of indecision or hasty scripting.”  – Variety

“A small sphere of intellectuals will feel that Kubrick has said something, simply because one expected him to say something.” – NY Daily News

“It is phony on many points, even for specialists. For a true work of art, the fake must be eliminated.” – Andrei Tarkovsky

We are here for a heartbeat. We are iPhones with no battery charger. When we die the poor will ravish us for our copper.

So while we are here we can sit around like a dolt taking orders from this one or that one

Or we can rock.

You don’t need confidence, you don’t need talent, you don’t need courage. For even a dog when he sees a cat knows to run after it at high speeds.

Life is the cat.

Run after it.

At high speeds.

Kubrick had a vision. He worked with the author Arthur C. Clarke. He built props and stages. He never used many of them. He had a vision. Were people who weren’t Stanley Kubrick in his ear telling him that he was spending too much money or that the script was lacking or the music was wrong or there weren’t any stars in the film?

Were people saying, why is half of this space movie about prehistoric monkeys who don’t say any words?

Probably. But because Stanley Kubrick was a dog he ran after what he was supposed to run after and we are all luckier because of it.

And for damn sure we should celebrate that some jackhole didn’t tie him to some tree in the backyard.

Live your life. Make your art. Make it weird and beautiful and unlike anything that anyone has ever seen.

Those of you who make art, that is actually your job.

Don’t be a thief. Be you. Be the most you you can be and if people don’t like it, good. People didn’t like the Velvet Underground or Van Gogh or GG Allin or The Replacements or Tsar or even Pinkerton when it came out.

But people sure loved Milli Vanilli. A whole bunch of them voted to give Milli Vanilli a Grammy. Where is the list of those geniuses?

Make art, not friends.

Make the artiest art you can art. If people say peeee-youuuu, kiss them on the cheek because I bet you those people are not Lou Reed and you need to give those people the kiss of death.

50 years after you have made your art, no one is going to say “Yes but I wonder what Kathy Lee and Hoda thought about it.”

They’re gonna say, Tony Pierce made that and I loved it.

And I love it even more now.

Now go catch that fucking cat.