nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, April 18, 2018

    what do you want, who do you wanna be, 

    how do you want to contribute to this beautiful world

    how do you want to reflect the glory of God

    how can you honor your mother

    where will your name be written when all is said

    do you want to be loved so badly you will sell out

    would amber want to be your friend

    have you forgotten the ideals you had when you were 10

    are you following the path of Basics

    or The Exceptionals

    are you inspiring others to be better

    do you make others better

    are you a cancer or the cure

  2. it’s not easy to get me jealous 

    but right now ive got friends in Egypt checking out the pyramids and in Kuwait playing video games with our troops

    yesterday i had an interesting dilemma. it was surging 2.5x on Uber but i got a ping on Lyft Premium (which is like a 3x surge).

    when i got the Lyft request i saw it was from a gated community near a country club and every time ive picked up someone there it was a short, irritating ride.

    and now that Uber and Lyft tells you whether or not it is a long trip or not, i knew this Lyft ride wasn’t going to be a long ride.

    so i was tempted to cancel it but i had just lectured all these dumb young kids on the Uber facebook page that you shouldn’t cancel a guaranteed decent ride in hopes that you will get a big fat long ride in a minute or two.

    traffic was bad where i was gonna pick them up and again i was tempted, but the Lord led me out of temptation and i got to where i needed to be and there they were waiting for me.

    one of the things about these rides is there is the small chance that as you are driving they will say, oh we didnt mean to drop us off here (a short ride) we meant for you to take us Alllllllll the way over here (a long, profitable ride).

    but the other pleasant surprise is they can give you a $10 tip because they rich as hell and cool and appreciated you and are good hearted.

    and thats what happened. a $10 tip on a $21 ride.

    still i want to see the pyramids soon!

  3. Tuesday, April 17, 2018

    today i learned Stiff is worth $90? 

    sometimes when i get low i think what have i done so far and i think NOTHING

    such a question is so subjective because what is value? what is the right answer? who cares what youve bought or “earned” or made.

    but tonight i was looking for a Blogger hoodie because i am wearing one right now and i want to wear it a lot because i love it so it would be great to have a backup.

    so i went to ebay and one thing lead to another and there i was searching my name to see what would pop up

    and holy cow there’s Stiff and someone thinks it’s worth a ton of cash.

    i mean, it is the best thing ive ever written, and it is good, and i am proud of it because it’s wild and creative and

    ALL ME

    and i love it.

    but never did i think it would be worth that much.

    the seller has a bunch of images from the book like where i signed it. for some reason i just signed it Long Live Vegas which i totally agree with but it gives me no hint as to who i had sold it to.

    but the best was the thanks.

    it made me laugh because i forgot what i wrote there.

    because Stiff is an extension of some of the weirdest stuff from How to Blog i wanted to be honest about that

    and i also wanted to acknowledge that the rest of it originally came from this, the world famous blah blog, i thanked myself

    “for the use of my own shit”.

    i have had a good life. i have nothing to be ashamed of. i have nothing to fear about whatever comes next. there is no pressure other than to peak ontop of peak

    and to clean out the kitty litter tomorrow because it’s stinky.

    and whatever book i write next i want it to one day get sold for $200.

    thank you Blogger for all that youve given me,

    because sometimes all we need is a bigass canvas in which to rock.

  4. Sunday, April 15, 2018

    beyonce ruined everything last night at Coachella 

    and i do mean everything.

    how am i supposed to go to a concert now?

    it’s not gonna be as great as she was last night.

    how am i gonna even go to a club?

    she took everything great about music and dance and spectacle and black pride

    and shoved it in our faces

    and flicked her long, wild wig at it

    and smiled.

    i was not a huge Beyonce fan, but last night not only did i, but we all saw the light.

    we all saw the power of black girl magic.

    she was graceful and fast and smooth and only got better as the clock ticked closer to two hours.

    she didn’t rely on video screens or inflatable props

    she was so magical that even the fireworks were all fuck this and felt like sparklers.

    she had a whole damn marching band on stage with her, all of MC Hammers dancers, the twins from Cirque, an orchestra, and an all girl heavy metal band.

    it reminded me of Kanye’s 808 n Heartbreaks redeux show at the Hollywood Bowl mixed with gasoline and twerking. it was the history of black college culture, hip hop, a cookout, and a family reunion when Destiny’s Child appeared and reminded us that you can come home again.

    for years the rumors have been that Coachella would drop a boatload to get the Smiths to reunite.

    all i can say after what i am still trying to process from last night ON TV

    is fuck the Smiths.

    beyonce showed us what giving 100% to the grandest idea you could think of looks and sounds like


    and it is flawless.

  5. Friday, April 13, 2018

    took these two dude from one side of town to the other 

    if i was a bad person i would have recorded their conversation and transcribed it here for you because it was really fascinating.

    but i am a good person. sorta.

    they were talking about all these tv deals that they were making and wanted to make.

    they were talking about all these women and how powerful they were.

    and how powerful they are going to be when they finalize these deals.

    all of that was typical Hollywood blah blah blah and i was thinking to myself boring

    but then they got bored with that, it was a long ride.

    then they started talking about their kids

    “did you ever take yours to the Tower of Terror?”

    “in Florida, yes?”

    “it’s it fantastic.”

    “oh man, someone at Disney gave us these passes and we went on that thing eight times. Mary loved it.”

    then they talked about this carnival they went to. then Europe.

    their tone was so different. so sweet.

    i wanted to tell them, do business with that tone and you will rule the world.

    they didn’t tip.

  6. Thursday, April 12, 2018

    last night we saw St. Vincent play at the Orpheum 

    at first Amber totally wanted to go. then she asked me when the show was.

    i said hey its 6:30pm, im driving people around via my uber, i cant chat, oh look at that a wayward vehicle. yep. i cant chat. find out and tell me.

    after a while someone told her that the show didnt start until 10:30pm

    she texted me to complain and worry. she worried because she had to wake up at 4am to go to work.

    she enjoys taking the early morning shifts because poof then her day is done.

    only problem is it cramps our late night style.

    she texted me and said Less Is More which a good man would have been able to decipher, but alas i was still driving.

    got back to the pad and it was 9pm. she was napping. she had a wet towel on her head. she looked pretty.

    i said i would normally let you sleep but i hear Vincent was so good the other day that the Catholic Church made her a Saint

    so get up, we gotta go.

    and because ambers a trooper she got it together and put on a slinky dress and some knee high socks

    and we drove downtown. i told her yo after 45 minutes we can leave. in n out. just like always.

    we had great seats and within minutes she was all over me

    im so glad we came, she said and hugged me.

    it was good. sorta like devo. minus the great devo tunes.

  7. Tuesday, April 10, 2018

    for some reason amber and i rarely get time off at the same time 

    she likes to get to work an hour early and stay an hour early

    and she likes to take the bus to work

    then on her days off shes either working out at the yoga studio

    or hiking or volunteering or going to baby showers

    so believe it or not we are rarely alone for long periods of time.

    but yesterday was supposed to be the Cubs home opener

    and ever since i was a boy i would either negotiate a day off with my mom or steam in the classroom like a pouty lad.

    you see back in the day the cubs only played day games when they were at home, so…

    so i got the day off at work and she realized she had sunday and monday off too so i said hey lets take advantage of your hotel discount

    and we shuffled off to palm springs because we wanted somewhere warm where we could lay out by the pool and just relax and hold hands and sleep in and braid each others hair.

    one thing that is pretty fascinating about us is neither of us have much of an agenda when traveling or not traveling. amber likes to eat soup and salads while drinking all the tea in china.

    and i like to drive, drink a coke, and eat the most disgusting things man can create. other than that anything goes. so we had a pretty great time just walking around, driving around, and checking out as many hotels as we could so we would know where to stay on our next journey.

    even though amber works at the waldorf we stayed at the miramonte because it was like 30% cheaper. but when we visited the waldorf palm springs we saw that it was 10x cooler looking in real life than it was in the pictures. also it has 40 little pools. so that may make it into the blog at some point in the future if i dont bore amber with my nonsense.

    speaking of nonsense, the cubs got Snowed out on their opening day and it got moved to today but neither of us felt it would have been responsible to also take today off so i will suffer a little.

    but the trip was so good that i will do so with a smile on my face.

  8. Saturday, April 7, 2018

    guy lombardo of course 

    what if you just get tired of things after a while.

    what if you just overthink things after a spell.

    what if you dont wanna share with the whole wide world about your fabulous life and all the pretty girls who kiss you and all the sweet old people who ride in your back seat and

    those who tell you about the time that they moved here from north dakota in 1946.

    oh really, what did you do when you got here?

    i worked at decca records.

    holy shit, decca was the label who didnt sign the beatles so they signed the stones and the rest is history.


    so tell, me, if you were here in the 40s did you ever go dancing at the Hollywood Palladium?


    omg. i heard that one mr frank sinatra used to sing there with a big band and everyone would dance in pretty dresses

    i’ll have you know that that very same frank sinatra kissed me on the cheek when i met him.

    were his eyes as blue as legend has it?

    legend cannot live up to reality — his eyes were bluer than you could ever hope for.

    tell me more about decca. i love them so.

    well, every two weeks, when you got your check, they would let you pick out 6 records.

    which ones do you remember choosing when you first started?

    guy lombardo of course!

    and when i dropped her off her assistant said, she never talks to uber drivers, EVER

    which was the best compliment of all


  9. Thursday, April 5, 2018

    the best medicine 

    for some reason i still have friends inside the xbi

    one of them ESPed me last night as I was at the Foods Co off Hoover

    What are you doing there?


    Are you poor now?

    ahahah shut up. whats going on bro.

    Dude have you been having brutal headaches lately?

    yep. for about three weeks.

    Well I ran across someone’s screen and they’ve been pummeling you with vicious amounts of pain. What have you done to them?

    same old same old.

    But, like what spawned all of this? Who did you piss off?

    hell if i know. last year i slowed down on my blogging. i thought they’d like that. maybe it’s because i have a girlfriend now?

    Why did you do that?!?!

    man can’t live on bread alone.

    True. True. So what have you done to counteract the onslaught? You should be a mess right now.

    easy, ive been doing the one thing they know nothing about.




    i just told you.

    I didn’t get it.

    laughter. does anyone remember laughter?

    Are you serious?

    it’s the best medicine. and it works. it shines light on the darkness. and best of all it’s contagious. you should try it someday.

    Oh and put myself on their radar? No. Thank. You. I will quietly toil away trying to do as little as possible until I can find a way out of here. 

    that’s cool. i’ll be over here with a pretty girl, drinking pop, laughing whenever possible.

    And being barraged by headaches?

    the more you laugh, agent, the less strength their negative vibes affect you. not sure why. don’t care why. but i gotta go, ive probably said too much.

    and then i bought some avocados.

  10. Tuesday, April 3, 2018

    in the days of chimpanzees i was a drive in 

    she didnt mean any harm. long legs. short hair. didnt care.

    hopped in the back seat, verified where we were headed and just sat there.

    sometimes if they are looking out the window i’ll say something like

    so whats happening where we’re going.

    and they’ll tell me just going home

    or theyre going to a party or

    and sometimes they will tell you the saddest thing in the world

    like theyre going to a funeral or a bar

    or theyre gonna just go to a park and sit and cry.

    one girl told me, sometimes i just want to get out of my own neighborhood

    walk around where no one knows me

    and just think about all the things i did wrong all week.

    id say baby you didnt do anything wrong.

    and she’d cry super quiet back there.

    and id turn up the jazz louder so she could have some space.

    and id drive super fast so we could get their quicker.

    and give her five stars when we got there.