1. Friday, September 14, 2018

    the truth about the author 

    a long time ago i had a beautiful and insightful girlfriend named Ashley.

    one of her complaints about me was that she said i was never satisfied.

    when she said it i didn’t believe it. ive always thought of myself as laissez-faire, chill, and laid back.

    but now that amber and i have lived together for over a year, im beginning to see the wisdom in young ashley’s critique.

    amber actually IS chill. she doesn’t complain about squat except if i have the tv on when shes trying to sleep. thats all.

    me, i have a long list of things i want her to do, unasked for advice about her job, i’ll even take over the cooking when i see she’s not using 2x the amount of water thats necessary when shes making rice-based dishes.

    is there any wonder ive been a bachelor my entire life? who could withstand such a barrage of negative blather from the man who was advertised as someone who allegedly doesnt give AF.

    apparently i do. apparently i want everything a certain way. when you look at my house you dont see the results of a detail-orientated fellow, but if you live with me for more than a week, real tony shows up and HE HAS NOTES.

    i hereby apologize to all of my girlfriends who had to withstand this. it’s not pretty, it’s not fun. it’s not funny.

    im gonna get amber a bell, i want her to ring it every time i whine about something stupid.

    maybe i will get her two.