1. Saturday, January 5, 2019

    today i learned that amber really loves me 

    people say things to you every day and after a while it’s just like musical notes to you.

    it’s just things people say.

    damn you’re handsome, tony.

    omg it’s so huge, how do you…?

    i love you.

    the other day the xbi put something in my drink when i wasn’t looking and ive been painfully sick for the last few days. puking and sneezing and coughing and carrying on. i can’t really think straight.

    and even though im not supposed to go to the “regular” doctor because they might find out what’s in me, sometimes you just say fuck the xbi and you go and hope they can find it and take it out and you can go on with your so called life.

    amber hung out with some of her coworkers after work today and i texted her that i was going to urgent care and she started freaking out. WHATS WRONG? WHY ARE YOU GOING? WAIT FOR ME I WILL GO WITH YOU!

    i told her it was ok, that i was almost there already and because it was late at night it wouldn’t be long. and she called me and you could hear her voice tremble a little.

    you are supposed to be my rock, you can’t get this sick.

    i was all baby, i told you, i will do what i can, but i am not a rock. i am a sensitive poet who routinely gets fucked with by this terrible underground organization who desperately wants me to come back to them and they do the weirdest things to me. there will be days, weeks even, where i might not even be conscious. but don’t worry, they wont kill me.

    and shes all… but but.

    and im like, this is why agents dont get married or have kids. our lives are not ours.

    and then she said it and it wasn’t musical notes. it was raw and honest and it cut right through the poison racing through my veins.

    i love you tony. please come home.

    and the doctor found the thing, and looked at me and asked do you know what this is? and i said, it’s none of my business what it is. and i gave him some money and he gave me a prescription for codine cough medicine and i said… but but

    and he said, i know, but this will help you sleep tonight.

    and i got home and she cried and said

    i got you some $17 soup.

    and as hemingway would say, it was good.