1. Thursday, March 21, 2019

    my feelings cannot be hurt, sweet girlfriend 

    my girlfriend is the best but you would think by now that she would know me but she doesn’t which is weird.

    today is her only day off this week. i said what are we gonna do, this is great, what are we gonna do? its the middle of the week we can do anything: the beach the museums a long drive a short drive the stupid bloom JUST IMAGINE ALL THE FLOWERS WE CAN INSTAGRAM

    she looked at me, put on her yoga pants and went on a walk, alone. i sniffed under my arms. my cats yawned. i got a phone call from someone who maybe wants to give me money, who knows.

    when she got back i was all, how was yoga, she said i didnt go. i just needed to walk. i said i need to walk too why —

    she said i needed to walk alone, and now i need the house for like 3 hours by myself but i didnt want to hurt your feelings.

    i said baby im xbi, they tried to rip “feelings” from me on day 1 but they couldn’t find any. she looked at me like i was crazy. i said listen

    i was the only black kid in school, pretty much from kindergarten through high school. i was also a cub fan in the middle of the longest losing streak in sports history. i also went bald. i also got a homer simpson dad bod.

    i also chose the field of writing to plant my flag. and worse, i focused on poetry in college (a college that at the time had 2% black student enrollment)

    if i had feelings, i would have turned into a puddle of tears by now.

    but look at me, im fine. i have you. i have a great car. i have the last blog on earth. and the comments are open. if i had a thin skin do you think id have had open comments since 2001?

    it’s not the things that you say to me that “hurt,” it’s not trusting me enough to say them that disappoint me.

    my blood is enriched by Truth, girl, be honest with me and i am yours forever. not only can i handle it, but in this or in any relationship, if you honestly communicate with me i can make something good from that. there is nothing to fear by saying i need to be alone for a few hours. nothing. i can get my parking permit, i can go to the movies, i can get some soul food. i can solve a crime. the options are endless and maybe i should go out in the world alone for a few hours on a nice day in LA.

    but you need to start trusting that your needs are valuable and if i can make them come true i will, happily. so off i will go.

    how much of that will she truly take to heart? who knows. but i try.