nothing in here is true

  1. Saturday, July 13, 2019

    im gonna start a podcast this weekend 

    im not gonna release it until i have 25 episodes in the can

    it’s gonna be good.

    for a long time i avoided podcasts because everyone has one and who needs another one

    and who wants to rush into an oversaturated situation

    but thats a silly way to look at anything.

    i wouldnt tell people not to get a twitter account or a facebook, merely because everyones on it.

    and when it came to blogs, i have always encouraged people to have multiple blogs – even during the blogosphere era when literally everyone *did* have blogs.

    i also wanna do this podcast because i am competitive and it would be interesting to see if i could make something that adds to whatever is out there.

    one of the voices that goes through your head when youre getting rejected by places you would love to work at is, “you are no longer of value. find a hole to crawl into. despite the economy booming and unemployment at its lowest in years, you should sell oranges in a parking lot out of a baby carriage. go sleep in your fancy car!”

    so it would be nice to see if i could do something most bloggers haven’t done all that successfully en mass.

    except my friends of course.


    i was thinking about calling the podcast All My Friends, Ranked

    but i love them, and ranking is passe

    then i was thinking about calling it 25 lies and a Truth

    but dont we have enough bullshit right now

    i know what i want but its twitter handle is taken


  2. Friday, July 12, 2019

    ive been watching people on youtube who flip things 

    they’ll go to garage sales, thrift stores and estate sales and buy things and run home and sell it on ebay.

    the more professional ones will also have an amazon seller account so they can sell them there too.

    watching these guys made me want to see if i could first sell all the crap I have in my house and then maybe i could think about being a junk flipper like my hero fred g sanford.

    as i was watching one of these guys i noticed i had this Obama action figure, still in the box, under the tv.

    so i looked on ebay to see how many other people were selling them. Just one guy… for $190 shipped.

    like me, the guy is super honest and mentions that a corner of the box is slightly damaged… just like mine is.

    but inside, obi wan obama is experiencing no drama.

    for some reason i went to amazon to see if they sold it there still, after four years, and not only do they, but it reminded me that that’s where i bought this… for $16.34

    however their resellers are selling it for between $400-$450. so this is what i’m thinking. i’m thinking about writing a less dramatic ebay headline than

    Obama Star Wars Rare Jedi Knight Figure Purple lightsaber New In box has damage

    and list it at $325. i’ll show them the minor blemish on the corner and if they choose to go for the $200 one, fine. scram. now i have the lowest price Obama and i will profit over $300.

    millions of people love our greatest black president.

    there are two who want this super rare weird action figure.

  3. Wednesday, July 10, 2019

    there are treasures on youtube if you look hard 

    his name is Clint Miller, an Army veteran who appears to make a pretty good living buying palettes of returned Amazon products and selling them on eBay

    what’s different about Clint is he enjoys teaching others how to do it too via his popular YouTube channel, Franchise Kicks

    nearly every day Clint makes a video of how many boxes of random stuff he bought from Amazon, what he thinks he will make from it, and what he’ll throw away or keep.

    sometimes he’ll get lucky and it’s a smart watch in a shabby box

    sometimes he’ll get unlucky and it’s an article of clothing coated with a healthy layer of pet hair

    so part of the joy of watching him dig through his daily haul is living vicariously through him, true

    but the other part is getting to know this gregarious, seemingly happy, generous man

    who has figured out how to flip the richest man in the world’s trash

    and turn it into his treasure.

    and it’s simple, according to Clint: just do it.

    just buy a small box, he advises, something for, say $58. and then list them on ebay.

    “the best thing about this is literally anyone can do it,” he said in a recent video to his viewers.

    despite having 164,000 subscribers, his videos only average about 25k views,

    but one last week, “I bought TWO 450 Pound Amazon Customer Return Pallets Valued at OVER $2,500” was seen over 200,000 times.

    why? who knows. it’s a big bald guy taking things off the back of his pickup truck for a half hour in sweltering heat,

    while showing a single camera if any of it was good.

    we’re rooting for him, because we are rooting for our future selves. we want to believe that there is money in rolling the dice on gently used – and sometimes new – stuff that all we have to do is list, ship, and profit from.

    while keeping some good stuff for ourselves.

    we are rooting for us.

    we see ourselves in him. our best selves.

    once a week he has been doing videos of boxes of gifts his fans send him

    he does it in front of his enormous shoe collection.

    not only is the internet wild, and bizarre

    but it is filled with love.

    someone noticed he got ripped off of something, so they sent them theirs.

    someone else drew a beautiful picture of him

    someone else bought him a new knife for opening his boxes with.

    who doesn’t love Clint?

    well, it is YouTube, probably the most rude social media channel when it comes to comments

    so there are some in there who make jabs at him.

    can’t win them all.

    Clint took to Twitter to admit that it does bum him out a bit.

    we’re all human. even an Army man has feelings.

    so i think im gonna send him a mystery box of my own. some fan mail from one cub fan to another.

    His UPS box is: 484 E. Carmel Dr. #127 Carmel, IN 46032

    Rock on Clint, YouTube star and dream maker, who, when he has earned some spending money,

    pays what it takes to get some of the Avengers to autograph toys for him

    dont ever change.

  4. im most grateful for the ideas 

    a long time ago i was in a poetry writing class at my university

    it was a trick class because the credits did not count for any requirement in letters & science

    even though it was a letters & science class.

    you took it because you wanted to

    and that was all.

    the trick though, is it was taught by the most popular writing teacher in

    the mysterious college of creative studies

    a place where if you could somehow get in, it would bless you with

    the unimaginable gift

    of no grades, no tests, no finals.

    but none of us who took this class knew that.

    at least i sure didnt.

    none of us knew that this teacher was the key to that incredible world.

    incredible, in part, because everyone in that college was super talented

    in art or music or math or words.

    one of the things this teacher did was she required each student to meet with her privately

    twice that quarter, after class, for about an hour.

    weird, but ok, whatever.

    upon my first visit she asked how i liked class, and i said i liked it.

    we went over some of the poems id written and after that i said

    hey i have a 13 page epic love poem id like to ask you about because im having

    a hard time finishing it.

    and i gave it to her and we read it and the next time that we had a meeting

    she was asking me if i would be interested in transferring from letters and science

    to go to the college of creative studies.

    little did i know it was a trick question.

    because it tricked me into believing i could do it.

    which i did.

    one of the things i asked her that pivotal afternoon was something that i remember even now,

    centuries later

    i said, robyn, obviously you know a few things about creativity,

    as that is the college you teach at, and also attended,

    i am really afraid that the ideas will stop one day.

    will they?

    and she said:


    and she aint never lied

  5. Monday, July 8, 2019

    do you thing, all the time 

    you might not get paid a bunch for it. you might not get famous

    you might not have a gazillion people cheering for you

    it’s ok. do it.

    you might actually get to be the best in the world

    and still you might not get paid a bunch for it

    you still might not get famous

    you still might not be recognized


    for how super cool you actually are in what you do

    but do it.

    dont worry about those things

    those things are silly.

    who was the best singer in the world in 1902?

    who was the best singer in 1809?

    who was the nicest person in 1705?

    fame and acknowledgements and big houses and parades and hangers on

    none of that is gonna help you when you get to the pearly gates

    none of that shows how pure your heart is

    none of that shows what a real g you be

    be the real g that you know you are

    as often as possible

    even when

    noneones watching

  6. Saturday, July 6, 2019

    always be prepared 

    i wasnt a boy scout but i was a cub scout and then webelo and i loved them both

    and one thing that stuck with me was to be prepared.

    so with this rash of earthquakes here in LA, reddit has been a good place for people to show off their emergency bags and this guy showed his today

    and people weren’t having it.

    they said the water supply was too low, as was the food,

    and this person should have a 12 inch wrench to turn off the gas

    and gas masks to filter out the toxic air

    and way more clothes and prescriptions and weed and booze and blankets

    although i think the altoids might actually be weed.

    their feedback made me nervous because i dont think i have enough water now

    or a wrench or the proper gas masks

    all of which i will buy this week because

    i loved cub scouts

  7. Friday, July 5, 2019

    can you do it again 

    is there anything left in that secret bag?

    was it all total luck?

    who are you and is that a good thing

    or a great thing?

    the mysteries are there because who wants to know how it’s gonna end.

    you can do it again.

    i was asked the simplest questions the other day and it was like when a pitcher throws a batter

    a slow ball.

    they call it a change up because your whole life you learn at first to hit the fast ball and then the curve

    then someone, especially in a pressure situation, just throws up the easiest ball to hit but sooooo slowly and you get to anxious

    and you whiff.

    i whiffed on the two easiest questions the other day and if i was able to get a redo id knock it outta the park

    but how often do we get a chance to try it again, slower? hardly ever.

    like the guy in hamilton said, make sure your palms aren’t sweaty,
    knees strong, arms aren’t heavy
    iron your shirt, eat your mom’s spaghetti

  8. this morning i was greeted by a flurry of emails 

    it was all about a job posting for a gig i am definitely qualified for but it might involve a bit of drama and im totally no drama o’busblog.

    but what do i do, keep living off my good looks? i would like to get back to work.

    because nothing in here is true i can tell you that amber and i have been bickering a bit since i hit the dole. which is also unusual. but then the other day, the day that i remembered that the cubs had won the world series and i should be happy with that for the rest of my life and everything is gravy and relax dude, we suddenly clicked back into gear again and everything was rainbows and butterflies.

    you think thats fake but i no lie.

    we can turn on anger and madness and bitterness and hate, just as quickly as we can shut it down. we think we cant but we wrong. we are powerful creatures capable of what the children call “magic”, and thus we should use it for good things.

    so i just told her baby i dont care about anything other than your happiness and our joy and if you wanna do x y and z and not a b and c, no probs. lincoln freed the slaves. im not going to stand in your way of absolute freedom. you do you and if you wanna include me then great. i have a library of books to read and miles to go before i sleep. and then this weekend happened (even though it fell on a wednesday and thursday) and it was beautiful although i may have broken my foot.

    but i have obamacare so i may hobble up the hill and have it removed. i think i need new sneakers. i think i wore out the spring. theres spring in my step, dont get me wrong, but i think it’s gone outta the shoe. maybe i should buy the shoe first then see the doc.

    anyways i dont think imma apply for that job because im not here to make anyone uncomfortable. thats not the super power i wanna have. i wanna have the one where i help inspire people to be their best selves. cheesy as that may sound. but it’s true and those were the best jobs ive had.

  9. Thursday, July 4, 2019

    amber was trying to cook 

    even though shes the one working, and working hard, there she was on her weekend trying to cook me a late lunch

    fourth of july

    rarely does she get holidays off but the veterans wanted the double time so there we were sleeping in

    she tried to turn on the stove but it wouldnt. she asked me to light the pilot. we have an old stove so who knows whats going on.

    then she went to doing the dishes. but no hot water. i couldnt get anything going so i called the gas company. their number asked me if it was an emergency?

    its not like its a gas leak, but i cant shower, do dishes or cook. yes i guess thats an emergency. amber said she was gonna take a nap. her work wears her out. i said, fine i will order some thai food cuz postmates gave me a $10 coupon.

    before i knew it there was the gas man, followed quickly by palms thai. no traffic on the 4th i guess. the other day me and this uber drive were talking about how small the city is when theres no traffic. like late at night and on holidays where you can get from DTLA to the beach in minutes. or long beach to hollywood in no time.

    gas guy fixed my problem in record time and as he did we talked and his stories just came out of him. am i a great interviewer? no. but people sure as hell like telling me things. he wouldnt stop. told me he had been a gas man for nearly 20 years. we talked about hollywood, beverly hills, bel air, little roads, weird houses, crazy details that youd really have to know to notice. we bonded so quickly and he just leaned against the fridge and told me everything.

    “you should write a book,” i told him.

    “i can’t write for shit,” he said.

    “ever read Post Office,” i asked and told him about Bukowski and asked him if he ever did anything on Delongpre near Normandie. i told him thats where he lived when he wrote a bunch of his best stuff. but it all started with writing about how hard it was delivering mail in East LA when so many names were Gonzales or Hernandez.

    “you should try finding the right Kim in Koreatown,” gas man laughed.

    “i’m telling you you have a book.”

    the more i talked about bukowski the more realized he was inches away from 20 of his books. so i gave him “Women” so he could read his style.

    “i dont have Post Office. ive given mine away,” i said, “but i have two Women,” i said and we laughed at how that came out.

    i shoulda just written that book with him.

  10. Wednesday, July 3, 2019

    how do you solve a problem like sammy 

    once upon a time baseball needed saving.

    it had just gone through a meaningless strike that turned off its fans to the sport

    basketball had arrived in full force and football filled in the blanks

    if anything the baseball strike reminded some how little they cared about the so called national past time.

    but then mark macgwire and sammy sosa started hitting massive dongs nearly every day which reminded some how much they love the long ball.

    not just that, but in chicago, sammys prowess at the plate helped catapult a not-too-shabby cubs team into the post season, something they hadn’t done in years.

    in the north side sammy was king. every time he stepped to the plate it was appointment television. in total good ole #21 slammed 541 home runs as a Cub, breaking none other than Mr. Cub’s team record of 512 set way back in 1971.

    near the end of sammy’s career with the cubs, two things happened: he got caught with a corked bat (which he claimed was his “practice bat” and never meant for a game), and he didn’t show up for his last day at work.

    and also he has been accused by many that he used performance enhancing drugs – although that has never been proved, and he has denied it. he never once failed a test nor was ever suspended for it despite having a long career.

    some say, well what about the leaked drug report of 2013 where sammy’s name was alongside other greats as having failed a secret drug test?

    well the commissioner of baseball is now doubting that report. as he should.

    which brings us to the weird state of sammy sosa in the hearts of chicago cub fans.

    many don’t like him.

    some have turned their back on him.

    the man who saved baseball from the greatest park in sport is not welcome in the friendly confines because, in part, he just didn’t want to spend an awkward day saying goodbye to the cubs on his last day of the season before he was due to get traded.

    and for some reason some cub fans, typically the most forgiving and lovable souls in the world, were so offended that they have not made him feel welcome enough for a return.

    and on top of that, the new owners of the team refuse to welcome him back until he apologizes for that last day.

    it is the strangest thing ive ever seen, and i specialize in strange fucking shit.

    former cub slugger Dave Kingman went to the Lake instead of Wrigley on Dave Kingman tshirt day, in part because he was one the injured list and didn’t want to deal.

    but nobody called Kingman an asswipe when he moved on with his life.

    perhaps it was because Cub fans were amazed with Kingman’s ability to hit monster homers, but he usually struck out 8-9 times for every blast. Sammy was a real player. And he was quick on the basepaths, and deft in the outfield. we had fallen in love with him and so it hurt when he didn’t say bye.


    well, i still love him.

    i am still grateful.

    i am glad he saved baseball and i dont care what he didnt do that one time, and what he may have done those other times. im just happy that he brought a light to my favorite place in the world.

    sammy doesnt have to say sorry for shit.