nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, October 31, 2019

    amber wanted to go to the movies so we went to the movies 

    traffic was bad, issues occurred, it was crowded, but the thing was i was comfortable


    because i was dressed up as a guy in his pajamas and robe and slippers who was with a sexy lady.

    amber was the sexy lady.

    she had a slinky dress, clear heels, and this fuzz faux fur i got her in vegas.

    we went to universal city walk because amber suspected that people would be dressed up there

    and she was right.

    and there were kids, some of whom did not speak english or who were scared of me

    because i also smelled like i had gotten high in the car upon entering the joint

    which may or may not be extremely true

    we were early so we had time to stroll about and we passed this michael myers guy

    and then the super cheesy angel wings that have been all around the city for years now

    so of course they have one at this tourist trap

    and i saw michael was just roaming around so i circled back

    and asked him if he would pose for a picture

    he grunted. walked over to it. waited his turn. and click.

    and when i asked him if he wanted me to text him a copy

    he just fist bumped me.

    and they were haggard



    then he was gone into the shadows.


  2. Monday, October 28, 2019

    i wrote a thing about the thing i went to yesterday 

    i love that i can talk to my boss and say omg i just saw a great show should i write about it?

    and she says yes yes

    but because my life is crazy i wasnt able to write it until the dawns early light.

    but i do because i know i was gonna be super busy today

    and when it’s published,  my mom says, omg it was like i was there.

    which is something nice that moms say, but here is the video of the show

    anyways today i got a ticket from a bad cop

    and i told him he was a bad cop

    so he increased the seriousness of the ticket

    which is what a bad cop would do

    and i cannot wait to fight the ticket

    even though people never win these types of fights

    but i want to fight, i dont care.

    im pissed

    you shouldnt ticket people for ticky tack things like “rolling stops” when you’re trying to get your girl to the hospital.

    and you say you believe that. but you give the ticket anyways

    and then the bonus punishment for saying he’s bad.

    but whatever, when i die, people will say, tony kept it real.



  3. Saturday, October 26, 2019

    this has been a rough year 

    i never know if people are trying to make me fail or are just slow or if The Powers That Be just dont care

    so i get impatient

    and then out of the blue something beautiful like Los Angeleno shows up and it’s so nice

    and sweet and wonderful, all the things anyone could hope for

    and i go SEE, SEE, this is how is should BE!

    but then all the other things are insane, as usual.

    for example, our dear friend Jeanine is drunk and fell in her bathroom and needed stitches.

    fortunately another dear friend just happened to be there with her.

    ambulance came, she got to the hospital, the nurses were “impressed” with how high her blood alcohol levels were

    and then a few hours later they released her.

    if your booze levels are sooooo high, why not keep her there a day or two? why not ask, hey can we help her get checked into a rehab?

    instead they’re all, heres the stitches, adios.

    also, her insurance totally worked for them, but hours previously when we tried to get her into a rehab, they said the insurance wasn’t valid.

    then there were people who wouldnt answer phones.

    then there were facilities that don’t do things on the weekends or after 7pm.

    im sorry, youre in the business of saving people’s lives. why do you think that only should happen monday thru friday and up to a certain hour?

    which i guess brings us back to God.

    He’s the only one who’s all, I got this. 24/7.

    even Jesus was all, oh a sick person, lemme heal them.

    and the critics were like AH HA! It’s Sunday. The Sabbath. You are the Devil if you “work” on Sunday.

    and Jesus was all, check yrself, fool.

    Mark 3:1-6 Revised Standard Version (RSV)

    The Man with a Withered Hand

    Again he entered the synagogue, and a man was there who had a withered hand. And they watched him, to see whether he would heal him on the sabbath, so that they might accuse him. And he said to the man who had the withered hand, “Come here.” And he said to them, “Is it lawful on the sabbath to do good or to do harm, to save life or to kill?” But they were silent. And he looked around at them with anger, grieved at their hardness of heart, and said to the man, “Stretch out your hand.” He stretched it out, and his hand was restored. The Pharisees went out, and immediately held counsel with the Hero′di-ans against him, how to destroy him.

    if you are in the business to heal people.

    then knock it off with this monday thru friday nonsense.

    people need help all the time.

    i hate everything about this American health care system that we have.

    canada is so lucky it’s so cold up there, if it wasn’t we would have all moved there by now.

  4. Tuesday, October 22, 2019

    53 years ago tonight 

    my mom did the nicest thing anyones ever done

    she went through excruciating pain to bring me into this world

    when the doctor presented me

    he told her, congratulations,

    you have a blogger.

    the bells of the church rang, pigeons scattered and not far away at the lincoln memorial,

    honest abe quietly smiled and wished me to illinois

    which is a perfect place to grow up, but

    my mom made me cakes, invited my friends over, even sent them home with bags of treats and toys despite it being my birthday, thats just how it was. gift giving. sharing. leading by example.

    one of the best gifts my mom ever gave me was patience. for generations our family went to and graduated college. quiet a feat for black families, but then there i was, dragging my feet academically through high school

    with no real plan going into senior year other than maybe go to california and maybe go to junior college


    it must have driven her crazy. even my friends who had crappier high school grades than i, hustled off to state schools and little colleges around the midwest

    and that fall i sorta checked in to a city college, only to have to extend my time there beyond two years because

    i couldnt write well.

    any other parent, including hypothetical me, would have blown a gasket.

    20 years old and cant pass a community college history class?

    but she hung in there. “no pressure. you got this. you know youre not a dummy.”

    i was reading paradise lost for fun while being an ice cream man

    she believed in my weirdness, reluctantly, but she believed, and therefore i did too.

    soon i was writing every day, for money, for all to see in the college paper.

    winning awards, kissing girls.

    all because my mom a million years ago said, fuck it, lets get this negro out


    it cost her $200.

    which i should write her a check for one day.

  5. Sunday, October 20, 2019
  6. Saturday, October 19, 2019

    what if my favorite song of the year is by taylor swift 

    does that make me the 16 yr old girl matt welch says ive been my whole life

    i also like the video

    my mom doesnt like taylor, or rihanna, or the xbi, or the legalization of 420, or that ive been spending a lot of time south of the 10

    but i think deep down shes glad that im doing all these things for the right reasons

    and most of it is based in the bible, which she indirectly got me into by never forcing it on me

    amber says that her heroes include michelle obama, lady gaga and my mom

    how nice is that.

    tonight the brothers steve play and ive got hella work to do but i will see them because like taylor swift

    theres something about music that just touches my spirit and does something weird to it

    how does that work

    is it the Lord

    is that why he said for us to make a joyful noise?

    is that why the caged bird sings?

    is that why Angus and Neil and Tom Waits and Ozzy have lived such long, glorious lives

    because rock and roll will never die

    because it’s holy?

    do kids slow dance at dances any more?

    if i was in 8th grade i would want this to come on for the slow dance

    and id find the prettiest girl in class and be all

    wanna dance

    and all her friends would go oooooooooo

  7. tony what if it doesnt get better 

    then it doesnt.

    but it does.

    it always does.

    and always will.

    if you think things that are negative

    it just means that yr in the middle

    of IT

    and the middle of it sucks.

    so what yr seeing isnt it

    it’s just the middle passage

    the part where weird stuff happens

    which is also the part

    where change occurs







    your beginning the beguine, cole

    yr taking em to the bridge, john paul

    im reading the edward snowden book right now. he’s such a smart guy. it’s hard to tell what happened it’s so early in the book but he just mentioned something that i have mentioned here before.

    he is talking about how Super Mario Bros taught him so much about life.

    i feel the exact same way.

    and whats weird about that game is i never owned it.

    i was in college when it came out and we were living a block from the beach, classes were incredible, i had a radio show, i was in the newspaper every day,

    the streets were literally crawling with the prettiest girls you could imagine

    bands were playing on rooftops, in back yards, in front yards, in barns

    i had no need or time for a video game, but there it was in my house that i shared with several others

    and despite the fact that i was studying zen, romantic poets, the old testament, and milton

    while reading every bukowski i could find in the library on the side

    there was super mario brothers with its little 8 bit music and the shittiest controller in history

    and it was teaching me everything:

    life is a dance

    watch out for the bosses

    shit gets real, then it gets easier, then it gets harder

    everything you’re doing is for a woman, so enjoy the journey

    might as well jump

    but it also taught me that every day that you learn something will help you in your battles tomorrow.

    because as random as life is, there are patterns, learn them.

    experiment with who you think you are.

    everything is relative to how you approach things.

    and also: time is not on your side.

    so, hustle.

    snowden mostly focused on that last part. time. that time is short.

    thus, when you feel like you should act, maybe you should.

  8. Friday, October 18, 2019

    i know ive been old my whole life but 

    at my age theres a few reasons to do things

    for the love, for the money

    or because it freaks you out.

    in eight hours im interviewing someone im nervous about.

    ive read all his q&a’s, seen his video chats, looked through all of his social media.

    and still i feel unprepared.

    nardwaur the human serviette is the king of preparedness for interviews

    and i think i have an idea of where i wanna take this, but the best conversations are just that

    so you dont wanna have an agenda, you want to be able to flow with it.

    the other day i interviewed another guy who i was intimidated by, and i think i scared him too.

    there were a few questions he didnt wanna answer and i dont blame him.

    ive always felt that life is like a pinball machine, it’s good to tilt every now and then

    so you know how much play you got.

    the worst thing they could do is hang up.

    which reminds me of my favorite thing i ever read in SPIN

    Exclusive interview with Johnny Rotten

    {ring, ring}


    Hi Johnny, it’s Spin.


    The crazy thing is, this guy is super mellow from what I can tell. And what I have to start off talking with him about is totally current and sorta newsworthy.

    but still,

    what if



    what if.


  9. Tuesday, October 15, 2019

    i guess im snot an influencer 

    now that i have this job ive been getting fun little offers to try things

    the first was this thing down in orange county.

    i forget what they wanted me to see but i nearly did it because it included a free uber ride back and forth

    and i wanted to interview the driver down and the driver back up

    cuz how often would you be able to interview someone for 45 minutes to an hour who couldnt stop the interview?

    a total stranger.

    also i wanted them to have a good ride for the day.

    but i was busy and couldnt do it.

    then yesterday a company invited me to a tequila tasting from 1pm – 3pm over by Dodger Stadium

    also free uber.

    but i have so much to do today i couldnt really justify being drunk / buzzed in the middle of the day and probably taking a nap at 5pm

    id never make it as an influencer at this age

    you know how many things ive drank, ate, kissed, hugged, barfed, boned, and pooped?

    all the things.

    whats this tequila gonna do for me?

    its gonna ruin my day probs. not make it.

    also im addicted to the new taylor swift album so

  10. Monday, October 14, 2019