nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, October 22, 2019

    53 years ago tonight 

    my mom did the nicest thing anyones ever done

    she went through excruciating pain to bring me into this world

    when the doctor presented me

    he told her, congratulations,

    you have a blogger.

    the bells of the church rang, pigeons scattered and not far away at the lincoln memorial,

    honest abe quietly smiled and wished me to illinois

    which is a perfect place to grow up, but

    my mom made me cakes, invited my friends over, even sent them home with bags of treats and toys despite it being my birthday, thats just how it was. gift giving. sharing. leading by example.

    one of the best gifts my mom ever gave me was patience. for generations our family went to and graduated college. quiet a feat for black families, but then there i was, dragging my feet academically through high school

    with no real plan going into senior year other than maybe go to california and maybe go to junior college


    it must have driven her crazy. even my friends who had crappier high school grades than i, hustled off to state schools and little colleges around the midwest

    and that fall i sorta checked in to a city college, only to have to extend my time there beyond two years because

    i couldnt write well.

    any other parent, including hypothetical me, would have blown a gasket.

    20 years old and cant pass a community college history class?

    but she hung in there. “no pressure. you got this. you know youre not a dummy.”

    i was reading paradise lost for fun while being an ice cream man

    she believed in my weirdness, reluctantly, but she believed, and therefore i did too.

    soon i was writing every day, for money, for all to see in the college paper.

    winning awards, kissing girls.

    all because my mom a million years ago said, fuck it, lets get this negro out


    it cost her $200.

    which i should write her a check for one day.

  2. Sunday, October 20, 2019
  3. Saturday, October 19, 2019

    what if my favorite song of the year is by taylor swift 

    does that make me the 16 yr old girl matt welch says ive been my whole life

    i also like the video

    my mom doesnt like taylor, or rihanna, or the xbi, or the legalization of 420, or that ive been spending a lot of time south of the 10

    but i think deep down shes glad that im doing all these things for the right reasons

    and most of it is based in the bible, which she indirectly got me into by never forcing it on me

    amber says that her heroes include michelle obama, lady gaga and my mom

    how nice is that.

    tonight the brothers steve play and ive got hella work to do but i will see them because like taylor swift

    theres something about music that just touches my spirit and does something weird to it

    how does that work

    is it the Lord

    is that why he said for us to make a joyful noise?

    is that why the caged bird sings?

    is that why Angus and Neil and Tom Waits and Ozzy have lived such long, glorious lives

    because rock and roll will never die

    because it’s holy?

    do kids slow dance at dances any more?

    if i was in 8th grade i would want this to come on for the slow dance

    and id find the prettiest girl in class and be all

    wanna dance

    and all her friends would go oooooooooo

  4. tony what if it doesnt get better 

    then it doesnt.

    but it does.

    it always does.

    and always will.

    if you think things that are negative

    it just means that yr in the middle

    of IT

    and the middle of it sucks.

    so what yr seeing isnt it

    it’s just the middle passage

    the part where weird stuff happens

    which is also the part

    where change occurs







    your beginning the beguine, cole

    yr taking em to the bridge, john paul

    im reading the edward snowden book right now. he’s such a smart guy. it’s hard to tell what happened it’s so early in the book but he just mentioned something that i have mentioned here before.

    he is talking about how Super Mario Bros taught him so much about life.

    i feel the exact same way.

    and whats weird about that game is i never owned it.

    i was in college when it came out and we were living a block from the beach, classes were incredible, i had a radio show, i was in the newspaper every day,

    the streets were literally crawling with the prettiest girls you could imagine

    bands were playing on rooftops, in back yards, in front yards, in barns

    i had no need or time for a video game, but there it was in my house that i shared with several others

    and despite the fact that i was studying zen, romantic poets, the old testament, and milton

    while reading every bukowski i could find in the library on the side

    there was super mario brothers with its little 8 bit music and the shittiest controller in history

    and it was teaching me everything:

    life is a dance

    watch out for the bosses

    shit gets real, then it gets easier, then it gets harder

    everything you’re doing is for a woman, so enjoy the journey

    might as well jump

    but it also taught me that every day that you learn something will help you in your battles tomorrow.

    because as random as life is, there are patterns, learn them.

    experiment with who you think you are.

    everything is relative to how you approach things.

    and also: time is not on your side.

    so, hustle.

    snowden mostly focused on that last part. time. that time is short.

    thus, when you feel like you should act, maybe you should.

  5. Friday, October 18, 2019

    i know ive been old my whole life but 

    at my age theres a few reasons to do things

    for the love, for the money

    or because it freaks you out.

    in eight hours im interviewing someone im nervous about.

    ive read all his q&a’s, seen his video chats, looked through all of his social media.

    and still i feel unprepared.

    nardwaur the human serviette is the king of preparedness for interviews

    and i think i have an idea of where i wanna take this, but the best conversations are just that

    so you dont wanna have an agenda, you want to be able to flow with it.

    the other day i interviewed another guy who i was intimidated by, and i think i scared him too.

    there were a few questions he didnt wanna answer and i dont blame him.

    ive always felt that life is like a pinball machine, it’s good to tilt every now and then

    so you know how much play you got.

    the worst thing they could do is hang up.

    which reminds me of my favorite thing i ever read in SPIN

    Exclusive interview with Johnny Rotten

    {ring, ring}


    Hi Johnny, it’s Spin.


    The crazy thing is, this guy is super mellow from what I can tell. And what I have to start off talking with him about is totally current and sorta newsworthy.

    but still,

    what if



    what if.


  6. Tuesday, October 15, 2019

    i guess im snot an influencer 

    now that i have this job ive been getting fun little offers to try things

    the first was this thing down in orange county.

    i forget what they wanted me to see but i nearly did it because it included a free uber ride back and forth

    and i wanted to interview the driver down and the driver back up

    cuz how often would you be able to interview someone for 45 minutes to an hour who couldnt stop the interview?

    a total stranger.

    also i wanted them to have a good ride for the day.

    but i was busy and couldnt do it.

    then yesterday a company invited me to a tequila tasting from 1pm – 3pm over by Dodger Stadium

    also free uber.

    but i have so much to do today i couldnt really justify being drunk / buzzed in the middle of the day and probably taking a nap at 5pm

    id never make it as an influencer at this age

    you know how many things ive drank, ate, kissed, hugged, barfed, boned, and pooped?

    all the things.

    whats this tequila gonna do for me?

    its gonna ruin my day probs. not make it.

    also im addicted to the new taylor swift album so

  7. Monday, October 14, 2019
  8. i had my 10th carls jr beyond meat burger last night 

    i was reading exodus tonight for busblog bible study.

    this is why i get all the chicks, fyi.

    and old moses is telling pharaoh to let his people go an pharoah is all pound sand hebrew

    it’s an interesting dance of pharaoh wanting to let them go because moses is just fucking egypt up with blood in nile which kilt the fish and the dead fish were all stinky

    or frogs everywhere, even in the ovens

    then all these fucking flies swarming everywhere

    which i gotta say is a wickedly creative plague to sick on someone because it doesn’t matter if youre rich of poor, a swarm of flies is gonna ruin your day

    but pharoah wants to be cool to moses but God keeps hardening pharoahs heart

    which got me thinking this

    what if the mean girls in the cafeteria dont wanna be mean but their hearts are being hardend

    so you’ll have a reason to perform a magic trick.

    which will free your people.

    your sweet friends who have it hard enough trying to make bricks in the hot sun, but then taskmaster is like ok now do it with no straw.

    your amigos cant even express their religion properly because one of the things the jews did back then

    is they liked to sacrifice white cows.

    egyptians were like wtf, none of that! even though they had no problem being dick masters to human slaves, they drew the line in regards to killing certain animals and one of them was the super rare white cow.

    meanwhile, Moses’ buds liked to sacrifice white cows Because they were rare and were saying to God, we love you so much we will give this to you because its the best and weirdest and coolest and most beautifulest and killer cow – and it’s yours because you deserve the best.

    like you and me, Moses loved his friends so much he forgot he had stagefright and was softspoken and not as handsome as his brother Aaron, he just went up to pharoah and said dont make me put boils all over you AND your magicians,  cuz i will if you dont let em go, and i will take delight watching these boils fester and make baby boils on top of the boils.

    inspiration can come from many things. revenge is one.

    love is another.

    and harder.

    i think thats the lesson of exodus.

  9. Friday, October 11, 2019

    LA is burning about 20 miles north 

    maybe 15, who knows. but i can smell it and my nose is irritated so ive been blowing it

    its sorta too bad i wasn’t a dad because i can tell


    if someone had been smoking in a house. perfectly.


    what daaaaaaaad? 

    I’m going to smell your fingers! Someone has been smoking?

    OMG gross much? Geeze! 

    Oh I’ll show you gross, young lady. I’ve got a half a bean burrito in me itching to fumigate this villa. Now tell me who has been smoking!

    this week i was a busy body. and all of it made me feel so thankful that i was raised by a woman who was not mentally ill or violent or crazy or mean.

    i interviewed an amazing doctor who taught me about violent criminals whose psychosis was triggered by this or that. we talked about the Joker movie and how she would have treated him. we talked about Kanye and Britney and racism and DNA and the holocaust

    and it was all the things i always wanted to do at the previous gigs but for some reason i was not trusted or the bosses felt weird or… whatever. it never happened and now it is and i feel so liberated and vindicated because these stories are being so well received and i wanna rent a hot air balloon that says Told Ya on it, and shower the globe with marshmallows.

    why those? who knows. who cares. cuz it would be funny. and it wouldnt hurt anyone. just like me.

    then i did a bunch of editing and researching for stuff coming down the pike.

    then yesterday i went to Compton and Inglewood and ALSO did stuff ive been dying to do: talk to THE CENTER of LA about something of global importance: the impeachment of the POTUS.

    and when you pitch ideas in the real world, so often they are shot down before you can get out of the room. “come on tony, what do you Think those people are gonna say?”

    we dont know. we never know. did we think Reagan would trade arms for hostages? did we think Bush 1 would puke at a dinner? did we think Clinton would turn a giant deficit into a giant surplus? did we think the GOP would be totally cool with a US president being super chummy with the Russians? did we think a bunch of GOP senators would fly to Russia on the 4th of July and come back and lie about it?

    if people are anything they’re unpredictable AF. which is why i love them. which is why i ask them the most basic questions and often i am rewarded with surprising answers.

    just like i was treated to in Compton and Inglewood where a young black lady said she thinks Trump is bad but Pence would be worse, so no. And an old black man said he likes Trump for a variety of reasons but he cant get too into it because his gf would get pissed at him. which is REAL, grampa!


  10. Tuesday, October 8, 2019

    tonight is date night 

    we havent had one in a while,

    so i was like what do you want to eat?

    she said pineapple fried rice.

    and im pretty sure thats why God made women.

    ive known thousands of dudes. maybe more. and ive eaten with lots of them too.

    i don’t remember one of them every saying you know what tony, lets get some beers, and a shitload of pineapple fried rice.

    men need women so badly. we need our shit balanced out. if it was just dudes all we’d do is eat meat and bread.

    we’d pee everywhere and create the most incredible weapons.

    and then pee on those.

    but God was so smart. or maybe he saw how the all-male universe was gonna end up, so he made beautiful creatures, probably from an entirely more advanced universe, and tricked them into loving us.

    and here we are.

    date night.

    thai food.