nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, February 17, 2020

    i dont know why i do the things i do to my self 

    it’s like the worst game of Horse.

    i do it because i know no one else will.

    i get in arguments online. i take on challenges no one would. i put myself out there.

    for the gram? to accept the challenge? because fuckit? because it’s punk rock? because i have something to prove?

    ive got nothing to prove. and worse, ive learned that even once you prove it, it doesnt matter.

    shits gonna go down the way its gonna go down so you can do whatever you were gonna do this has all be said and done before

    theres an alpha and an omega and just like every video game heres how this one ends

    with a flashing game over

    no one celebrates your incredible Centipede game.

    why would anyone praise this?

    got pulled over a few months ago and told the gent that i was in a rush and it was a serious health emergency

    he said he believed me but took his sweet time writing me a ticket anyway

    when he gave me the ticket he asked me, “ok?”

    i said no it wasnt ok, which was not the ok thing to do because he took the ticket, scratched off the original offense and scribbled in a more severe penalty

    because apparently answering truthfully to the law is not really what they wanna hear.

    ninjas gotta esp a fool these days.

    im angry about a lot of things, most of all that im sleepy at midnight and i really wanted to write.

    on my gravestone simply write

    did everything wrong and ended up here.


  2. Sunday, February 16, 2020

    the solution to the hard rock problem 

    I guess there’s so many people who stream through there at CityWalk that people think they can put anything in there

    next will be a steam punk designed chocolate store

    but when that fails I know exactly what would fit there and be amazing

    an in n out on the top

    and a video game arcade below.

  3. Friday, February 14, 2020

    ugly secret: i don’t know whats going to be successful online 

    when im not kissing pretty girls, im putting things up on the internet hoping they will get seen.

    is there an art to it? no.

    are there people who are good at it? yes.

    is their batting average super high? no.

    in baseball if you fail 7 out of 10 times you become a millionaire. but if you fail 8 times out of 10 you lose your job.

    in internet if you fail 80 times out of 100 nobody even notices. in fact you only have to succeed, like really succeed maybe 3 or 4 times all year to be respected. and even then you probably wont even get respect because come on, it’s the internet.

    dude who sang Chocolate Rain has a million subscribers on YouTube. online popularity is as predictable and fleeting as a butterfly in a hurricane.

    which brings us to the truth. ive met lots of people and ive seen them try.

    and thats the root of most success no matter what it is: try.

    keep experimenting. keep working at it. adjust. study the trends. be one with the rules. break the rules.

    but above all i believe this: the good stuff will rise to the top. it always has and it always will. Van Gogh is the exception. but if that fucker lived today and had an Insta he’d be paying cash; first class – sitting next to Vanna White.

    i also believe that we all have something to contribute. we may not all know how to paint a sunflower or sing a song but i have known too many people – and they all have something. that means you and you and you. we proved that with LAist. we see it online.

    brands cannot compete with the average joe. perfect example. Jimmy Kimmel is super popular. he has a TV show on ABC. his BFF is Howard Stern. pretty much everyone loves him except for people who love Trump so much that they hate that Jimmy believes that everyone should have healthcare.

    the other day he had on Chris Pratt and Tom Holland, two Marvel stars. their video clip is #16 in Trending right now on YouTube and it has amassed 1.6 million views. which is good. but again it’s Jimmy, Spider-man and Star Lord talking about Valentine’s Day *on* Valentines Day.

    meanwhile there’s emma chamberlain.

    emma is not a tv or movie star. she has acne. she is 18. she does not dress slutty or twerk (unless ironically) and in her latest video that she posted 5 days ago she goes over her videos of the last 2-3 years.

    which is vintage/oldschool/ancient if you are 18.

    1.8 million views.

    you and i are closer to being emma than we are Spider-man.

    marketing is baloney.

    SEO and *when* to post and keywords are lies.

    make good content. do it a lot. be yourself. keep it real.

    stare in to the unblinking eye of the void and say

    hi baby.

    do it all the time and good things will happen.

    we have a president who doesn’t know fucking shit and he gets to do anything he wants.

    in many ways thats what makes this pinball machine so beautiful and so frightening.

    i love you all and i always will and i will share my secrets with you because the game changes every day so fuckit.

    i hope you get everything you want in life.

    and if not in life, i hope you have a day today or a night tonight that is cooler than it is shitty.



  4. Thursday, February 13, 2020

    ten things i love about amber 

    1. she works at a fancy hotel. her job is to make magic happen for the guests who are used to having magic happen for them.

    she makes the magic happen. every day.

    last month she was nominated by two departments for employee of the month. she’s only in one department so that means a totally separate dept. said, yeah our people are good, but amber was better.

    2. she loves Tehachapi. no matter where we go, where we are, she says “you know, this reminds me of Tehachapi.”

    sometimes i have to remind her that we are at a Wendys. doesn’t matter. she will stand by her statement.

    she wants to build a small resort there. i tell her no one wants to vacation there. she says people used to say that about Alaska, now theres boats going up there all the time. Cruise ships even. actually she doesnt say that part, but i can read minds and thats what she was thinking.

    3. she is a master at organizing her bills. she uses flash cards and paper clips. And a computer. she will never get a late fee. #goals

    4. i have had the good fortune of being lucky in love. she has never told me once to stop touching her. i think only one or two of my former girlfriends shared that trait. is this TMI? sorry. anyways, i like to touch her to make sure im not dreaming. in dreams weird things happen when you try to touch people or things. usually my hand will go right through or it will turn to sand.

    5. she can cry at the drop of a dime. or a penny. or a quarter. she loves change and hates to see gravity abuse it. but seriously we can be driving down the street and we’ll talk about something and immediately her face will scrunch up and turn red and she’ll say Mario told me he would get me insulin the next time his brother goes to Mexico. and tears will appear. unlike me, she doesnt cry in movies though. weird.

    6. speaking of movies. one reason i love her is she is super loud in movies. either rustling with candy or fidgeting in her chair. she picks the quietest times to do the loudest wrapper opening and i will say shush. and she will do it really slow WHICH IS WORSE but it makes me laugh inside.

    7. she might be part Gemini because she can change her mind superfast. which i like because i love Geminis. so in a way it’s like having a couple girlfriends at once. which is every mans dream sorta.

    8. anyways today is her birthday. she wont let me take her out to dinner because she has a road trip planned for later this month. sorta love that too.

    9. she has never once pestered me to go out to party with her. she’s on the wagon. enjoys our home. and sees very little need to do much outside these four walls other than eat Thai food or drink Starbucks. being that im a million years old, i appreciate that lack of pressure.

    10. i dont think she knows anything about baseball football or basketball. but she will go to any game i get tickets to. and she will have a great time. mostly because in her head she is storing information so she can better aid her hotel guests if they ever ask something nutty like, “hows the sushi at Staples Center?” and she’ll know. angel.

  5. had a beautiful day w/a beautiful girl 

    sure I’m handsome and debonair and stylish and worldly but for the last two years I’ve worked at home

    imagine living with someone who is always home? It’s annoying. Never having the place to yourself? Torture.

    so since today is Amber’s birthday I treated her to a nice long drive and a picnic on the beach.

    With me. The man she’s probs sick of.

    Yesterday I tried to get out of the house and let her have it for herself but as soon as I finished ironing my tux and tails she hid my top hat and stated she would not reveal its whereabouts unless she could join me in my errands.

    I told her I was planning to detail the car, see the new Margot Robbie movie and take a long nap in a booth at the Glendale library.

    Instead we got passport photos and drive through the valley.

    Today we drive through pacific palisades where they had erected this poor but meaningful statue of me. Danke.

    While buying vegetable juice amber made friends with a fellow diabetic who told her so much great info. Poor girl had had it since she was 12.

    we had a beautiful time and had some deep conversations which is probably the best thing you can have with me.


    the grass everywhere was so green even though we only had a little rain the other night.

  6. Tuesday, February 11, 2020
  7. Saturday, February 8, 2020

    What should and will win the Oscars 2020 

    Who should win: Jojo Rabbit
    Who will win: Once Upon a Time In… Hollywood

    Who should and will win: Joaquin Phoenix, Joker

    Who should and will win: Renée Zellweger, Judy

    Who should win: Anthony Hopkins, The Two Popes
    Who will win: Brad Pitt, Once Upon a Time In… Hollywood

    Who should and will win: Laura Dern, Marriage Story

    Who should win: Sam Mendes, 1917
    Who will win: Bong Joon Ho, Parasite

    Who should win: Klaus
    Who will win: Toy Story 4

    Who should win: Memorable
    Who will win: Hair Love

    Who should win: Jojo Rabbit, Taika Waititi
    Who will win: The Two Popes, Anthony McCarten

    Who should win: It should be a five-way tie.
    Who will win: Marriage Story, Noah Baumbach

    Who should and will win: Roger Deakins, 1917

  8. Friday, February 7, 2020

    nothing in class was true 

    When i was in junior high i had an unreliable history teacher.

    He was funny and entertaining but, ironically, like the History Channel on TV, he wasn’t all that accurate.

    One of the things that he said was the reason we beat the British in the 1700s was because they stood in plain sight, in bright red uniforms, lined up in rows

    And we hid behind trees, climbed buildings and “cheated” at the game of war.

    It’s hard for me now to believe that if a man is shooting at you, you just stand there and reload your musket in your red uniform, but who knows, times have changed.

    But it reminds me of Trump, the GOP and this impeachment that just went down.

    Mitch McConnell may not be the smartest man, the most eloquent man, or the most principled person. But he knows how to hide behind a tree and cheat at war.

    For those of you reading this in the distant future: those fuckers held a trial with no witnesses or evidence so their man could wiggle off the hook.

    They didnt pretend to care about the constitution or the oath to God they had just sworn to uphold. They didn’t care that he was accused for something that is literally the buggarring of democracy. All they care about is living to see another day.

    And right now in American politics, you’re more likely to get heat if you do the right thing than you will if you do the evil-but-politically-advantageous thing.

    In a perfect world you’d get beaten down for letting a corrupt man off the hook to do it again, but life is far from perfect right now, Future people.


  9. Sunday, February 2, 2020

    yr not in kansas any more 

    The funniest Super Bowl commercial was the one in support for more funding for public schools.

    Why? Because since he was a lad, Donald Trump was enrolled in private schools and since graduating has bankrupted numerous businesses, has been impeached and today flaunted that he doesn’t even know what state the Kansas City Chiefs play in.

    Former Missouri Senator Claire McCaskill, a product of public schools, tweeted: “It’s Missouri you stone cold idiot.”

    As my man Joe Armstrong notes, “671,018 Kansas residents voted for Donald in the 2016 election, bestowing upon him the state’s six electoral votes with 56.16% of the vote.”

    Kansas hasn’t voted for a Democrat for POTUS since LBJ. Would be interesting if this gaff during their moment of celebration, swings the state blue in 2020.

  10. what i wrote for los angeleno in january 2020 

    Where Does the Eastside of L.A. Start?

    Our Sex Workers and Firefighters are Lending Their Talents to Help Australia

    MLK Through the Eyes of Those Living and Working on MLK Blvd.

    What It’s Like to Be the Publicist for The Oscars

    L.A. Mourns Kobe Bryant

    Remembering Kobe Bryant the Oscar Nominee

    Tips for Making a Killer Super Bowl Spread

    fucking loved the eastside story. very first guy i talk to, homeless, dressed 1,000x better than i am, clean, funny, tells me a few things he asks me to keep off the record. then he tells me exactly which taco stand he was at in east la just yesterday. ended up in a tattoo shop, disturbing two self proclaimed introverts playing a form of Magic the Gathering, met the coolest old guy ever, and barely understood about a half hour of mumbles from two drunk guys who actually had good stories.

    for the sex workers it was great to be able to text jeff koga and say, got any pics of riley reid.

    mlk was one i did with a photographer i’d never met before. she was really terrific. the funniest was interviewing this rapper whose day job is dressing up as the statue of liberty while spinning a sign for an income tax office. he was all you can take a picture but dont show my face. i was like yr a rapper? he was all yeah. so i go, you’re missing out on your story. countless handsome black guys are rappers. but how many were dressed up as the statue of liberty — willing to do anything for that dream, and then make it to the top? and he let me take his picture.

    the oscar publicist interview was great. perfect conversation. warm day. dogs. i ate half of an eggs benedict. at the other half when i got home. who can eat when they’re conducting an interview? on the way there i thought of the perfect studio for a podcast: a mini van. just soundproof it real good, flip one of the rows of seats around. carpet the floors. install the mics. then you can just go wherever they live or work, drive to a park, and chat in the van. always perfect sound.

    for the kobe oscar nom piece, i love the photos. the academy photographers were always so easy to work with. and at oscars time, mama mia they had some good stories. some of the older ones have seen it all. like they used to have to rush their film to the developer via a guy waiting on a motorcycle in the middle of oscar night.

    and then yesterday we posted my interview with sarah gim who makes the most beautiful images of food and spreads. im working on this long middle class thing or else i would have had more to show.