nothing in here is true

  1. Sunday, April 12, 2020

    do you know me 

    i dont.

    I’ve got two good stories that’ll come out next week.

    very happy with the ones I’ve done so far but these next two will be interesting because the first one is about something i dont know shit about and even the terms I had to google

    the other one is something i know a little about and was nervous that the dude wouldn’t wanna talk but he answered every question and then some.

    a professional would have the questions written out, maybe on note cards, with follow up questions ready to go.

    me, for the first one i stood outside my place, pacing up and down my sidewalk with a robe on and pajamas underneath. outside because my phone likes to crap out on me about 10 minutes into the conversation and i was recording these interviews and i dont like to have two and three parts

    the second one i did in the car as amber and i drove to Santa Monica because they’ve got a target there that always seems to have TP and/or paper towels.

    doing these interviews you realize why U2 keeps making new music. they could just do greatest hits shows or relive classic albums. personally i think they should tour with an orchestra and a bunch of guest singers.

    but things happen over time. you learn a few things about life. you learn a couple things about yourself. and now when you interview someone you do simple things like STFU,

    or because youre older and they talk about one thing, you can segue easier into the next thing. that’s something i noticed when guys like Chuck Swirsky (Sr) or even Hacksaw Hamilton would interview jocks on the radio. as great as they were, as knowledgeable as they were, during their interviews it always seemed like they were reading from a list.

    interviews should be conversations. Howard stern taught us that. they should go on for an hour. more if the person is really vibing. and you should have a list in your head and that’s where it should stay.

    when i was in high school and i was about to call a girl, i would have a little list of 4-5 topics. but the girls who were the best could get you off that list right away. that’s how these interviews should be.

  2. Sunday, April 5, 2020

    i believe people are more good than bad too 

    I see a lot of people watching old baseball games on YouTube, and that’s fine. But this morning I watched Barack Obama’s last press conference as POTUS to see if I could notice any differences and similarities to the pressers we have been watching recently.

    I had forgotten that the last question that he took was from a reporter who had been covering him for a very long time. The context is HRC had won by 3 million votes, but, thanks to the Electoral College someone else got to be president.

    Imagine your favorite sports team soundly thumping its opponent, but losing due to some ancient rule that today makes no sense, and now the coach has to answer questions from the press in the “loser’s” locker room.

    This part struck me as something you’d have expected a speech writer to have crafted over some time, but it just eased out of him.

    “I believe in this country. I believe in the American people. I believe that people are more good than bad. I believe tragic things happen. I believe there’s evil in the world, but I think that at the end of the day, if we work hard, and if we are true to those things in us that feel true and feel right that the world gets a little better each time. That’s what this presidency has tried to be about.”


  3. the last two nights have been good 

    its weird that they’re not all good, but these are weird times

    ambers obsessed with Italy and china and now Sweden because Sweden has decided not to go 100% and are still frolicking near the fjords and walking around without masks or gloves

    breaks my heart because what wonderful people.

    problem is, Denmark is doing it the way we are and they have the same percentage of deaths as Sweden so the Swedes are all, fuckit, we barely get sun, we’re going outside.


    another person who had been doing it wrong a lot is beloved Dr. Drew

    when i first moved to LA i was shocked when i discovered Love Lines late at night on KROQ

    it was a sex advice show that mostly teens called in and talked about their sexual exploits and asked either health or psychological questions to the doc and a KROQ DJ, first it was Poorman then it was Ricky Rachman and then Adam Corrola

    i was 17, straight outta the culdesac of the suburbs of IL. the mere fact that these kids my age even were having sex was wild to me, never mind that they were talking about threesomes and disease and all this stuff so causally that to me was super foreign

    Drew was the voice of calm, fatherly, scientific advice.

    i guess over the years his reputation has taken a beating and for the last few months he’s been saying that this would basically be the flu and while NYC wasn’t riding the subways, he proudly said he was.

    note to the future: during this era, for some reason health safety was a partisan issue. for some reason Republicans felt that obeying the scientists was admitting some sort of weird defeat to the Dems who were quick to see how dangerous this is, and had several plans with how to deal with it.

    Meanwhile the Republicans downplayed it and dismissed it, in part, because that’s how Trump was addressing it. On Friday for example, Trump read the statement that the CDC was recommending that people wear masks when they go outside, and then followed that by saying “but i wont wear a mask.”

    Amber says he’s trying to be a Cool Dad, sitting backwards on a chair, reluctant to stop shaking hands with people.

    Amber is losing her mind being trapped in this small apartment with me.

    im not a normal person

  4. Saturday, April 4, 2020

    stolen from the web 


    AMERICA: Oh my god! Coronavirus! What should we do?

    CALIFORNIA: Shut down your state.

    AMERICA: Wait… what? Why?

    CALIFORNIA: Because 40 million people live here and we did it early, and it’s working.

    OHIO: Whoa… whoa… let’s not be hasty now. The president said that this whole coronavirus thing is a democratic hoax.

    CALIFORNIA: He also said that windmills cause cancer. Shut down your state.

    TEXAS: But the president said that we only have 15 cases and soon it’ll be zero.

    CALIFORNIA: The president can’t count to fifteen. Nor even spell it. Shut down your state.

    NEW JERSEY: Us too?

    CALIFORNIA: Yes, you guys too. Just like when Christie shut down the bridge, but it’s your whole state.

    FLORIDA: But what about all these kids here on spring break?? They spend a lot of money here!

    CALIFORNIA: Those kids invented the tide pod challenge. Shut down your state.

    LOUISIANA: But wait let’s have Mardi Gras first. It entertains people.

    CALIFORNIA: It also kills them. Shut it down.

    GEORGIA: Ok well how about we keep the state open for all of our mega churches? Maybe we can all pray really hard until the coronavirus just goes away!

    CALIFORNIA: Which is working like a charm for mass shootings. Jesus told us to tell you to shut down your state.

    OKLAHOMA: What about the tigers?

    CALIFORNIA: What about a dentist. Shut it down.

    WYOMING: Hold up, maybe we should go county by county like the president said.

    CALIFORNIA: Stop acting like there are counties in Wyoming. There are no counties in Wyoming. Wyoming is a county. Shut it down.

    PENNSYLVANIA: But big coal.

    CALIFORNIA: But big death. Shut it.

    WEST VIRGINIA: But we were the last state to get coronavirus!

    CALIFORNIA: And don’t make us explain to you why that was. Shut it down.

    NORTH CAROLINA: But the republican national convention is coming here!

    CALIFORNIA: SHU… ok fine, do what you want.

    (*cut&paste from the internets)

  5. Friday, April 3, 2020

    it was a good week and now it’s done 

    i did some good things, i did some things im very happy about.

    i couldnt connect with some people and that made me sad

    and some things ended that i wasnt expecting.

    but lets talk about procrastination.

    i have a tiny little attention span. call me crazy.

    and when that window is open i can do so well.

    almost every post on this blog, since 2001, was written under 30 minutes

    but for work i spend hours.

    some people spend days or weeks but i get so bored by then

    which is hard because sometimes it does take days to get things done.

    youve gotta talk to one more person or your editor wants you to add one more thing or somethings too long or something doesnt make sense or things change

    all of that annoys me.

    i want to take a snapshot of that moment and go on to the next thing.

    procrastination means i didnt snap quickly enough.

    even if i love what i am looking at, i dont want to savor it. i shouldnt. i should just do it because im gonna get bored.

    a few weeks ago i was at a walmart and i saw something cool and i talked to a woman who was fascinating and i wanted to rush home and write it down but one thing led to another, i think i picked amber up at work and then we went somewhere.

    then she looked me up and down and couldnt keep her hands off me.

    then we danced on the lawn. then we laughed and laughed

    and fell asleep.

    ive been procrastinating this walmart story for weeks.

    dont get me wrong, in the meantime ive been writing my tail off.

    so today it was in the schedule that i would have it done. and i had a phone meeting at 8pm and all day i procrastinated it. then at 7 i started and by 730 it was pretty much done. and for that next half hour i polished it up real nice like. and i was relieved

    like taking a giant dump. i feel ten pounds lighter.

    i felt free.

    i took a shower, kissed the girl, flipped on some porn and waited for her to finish this amazing dinner she was cooking. turned on bill maher.

    i just felt incredible

    and now i want to figure out how i can feel this way every friday.

    work really hard for a week and then on that friday be done.

    be good and done.

    be super complete.

    i feel so… professional… adult… accomplished… smart when i do the thing i say i was gonna do and its on time

    and its better than i pitched it.

    this is truly good.

    the thing i did about the masks from los angeles apparel was good

    the thing i did about this other thing is good.

    i feel good.

    and i feel lucky.

    and i thank God for letting me have the opportunity to have these feelings

    because right now so few feel good.