1. Tuesday, July 21, 2020

    what if im doing things wrong 

    i wrote the thing. it got published. someone who i did not expect to like it liked it.

    but i dont like it.

    i tried new things. i did all the stuff youre supposed to do. i took my time. i checked it twice.

    still nothing. like the replacements i feel unsatisfied.

    the last time i felt like this was in 1999. i was in frisco with the truest we had a great apartment i had like three jobs, friends everywhere, but there was a hole in my soul.

    the bible reading that week was the part in the new testament about the rich prince. dude goes to Jesus and says i have done everything, what now? and Jesus said sell everything, give it to the poor and follow me.

    rich prince said, whoops wrong number.

    that story was told three times in three differnt books.

    so i sold what i could and left. first isla vista, then mexico then LA.

    in LA i signed up for a minimum wage job helping people. and within a year i had been promoted and was making more money than i ever had made.

    but was i happy? sorta. am i happy now? sorta.

    but this is about writing. am i happy with that?

    no.

    i want something to zing. i want something to fly off the shelves. yeah i hit a huge homer with that video but what have you done for me lately?

    plus that wasnt even writing.

    way back when i was thirty something i dated nineteen year old ashley. people occasionally asked what we talked about. mmmm everything? ashley was super smart.

    one day she said, you are never satisfied tony.

    maybe thats my curse.