1. Monday, November 9, 2020

    thank you to the angels 

    a vacation, a respite, a time out, a cool down.

    i needed to control alt delete my shhhh

    Ti esrever dna ti pilf, nwod gniht ym tup

    Ti esrever dna ti pilf, nwod gniht ym tup.

    my ma asked if we wanted to use her timeshare in palm springs and so many years ago i complained when she a) bought a time share and b) bought on in palm springs

    but this was, to quote ferris bueller, so choice

    it was an hour and forty minutes from my driveway

    it was haunted

    there were ducks.

    there were clouds above with angels saying we love you tony

    you too, amber.

    the pools were warm the weather was hot

    and after a few days everything cooled down and there was even some drizzle

    but vacation drizzle like youd get in maui

    just enough to clean off the sidewalks so you could draw new, more intense hopscotch games

    amber and i looked each other in the eyes and expressed love for me

    then we watched the election, then we turned off the election, then we turned it back on

    that went on for several days.

    then i turned on the Queens Gambit which may have been the second best decision of the week

    or was it the sale priced salmon from the Palm Desert Albertson’s that had been driven out by Santa Monica Seafood?

    we went back a few days later for another pound.

    ridiculously good.

    sometimes you get to draw a bath and just soak in it.

    lights off

    phone off.

    just you and your stupid thoughts.

    sometimes theres time and space and you get to let those thoughts have a little bit of a life

    but only as long as a bubble at a zoo blown by a child

    then its popped.

    then more arrive.

    then more.

    finally one giant one emerges.

    where did it come from? how did it get here?

    that is not my beautiful thought.

    it’s better.

    the best thing about taking a bath after swimming is the water doesnt get dirty

    you can just sit there for the entirety of the new ariana grande record

    you can try to get bored but you’ll fail.

    all those idealistic thoughts about the future, the present and the past get rolled up like dough and flattened on the cutting board and shaped like race cars.

    amber woke up and saw me floating in the tub and was startled

    are you alive? she asked.

    way more than yesterday.