drove four hours yesterday to give something to amber

i didn’t wanna do it because i still miss her very much and this break from each other has been bittersweet because on one hand it was overdue and has allowed us both to breathe

but on the other hand it’s someone who i shared my life with for years and years and it’s hard to move on if you don’t keep moving on.

also i have so much work im working on.

but she needed me and me only to get these things to her and they couldnt be mailed or Ubered so i said fuckit and hit the road.

i said, dont come out of the house, in fact if you can go in to town or not be there that would be great. but she doesn’t have a car and i dont think Uber is even in her neck of the woods, which gives you a taste for how remote she’s living right now. literally off the grid.

which i must say, is admirable, as it’s something i dont think i could ever do.

i am having a hard time putting myself in social media time outs right now. ironic because i am trying so hard to get better and better at social.

meanwhile im listening to these interviews about eddie van halen and how he was always noodling on guitar. like always. like ALL THE TIME. and here i am cursing myself for not being able to put my phone down for a few hours, let alone a day.

maybe we should embrace the things we are obsessed with?

on the drive to her i was listening to the audiobook of the drummer of the Black Crowes. i will read – or listen to – any book about rock n roll if it’s told well and this guy is compelling because he’s not all that likeable and the band was known for not being likable either.

weirdly i ended up Ubering the keyboard player for one the Chris Robinson Brotherhood and that guy was fantastic and gave me a good tip. he was impressed that i knew about that offshoot band and how it was inspired by both the Grateful Dead and JGB.

what was interesting about this book was this drummer had very little experience, got caught up in this band, and pretty quickly they were a huge band.

it’s also the only band i know of who signed a terrible record deal who then got out of it because of a paperwork snafu, thus getting their publishing and royalties in their hands while their first album was flying off the shelves. usually bands have to deliver a number of albums before the yoke is removed.

when i got to her place i saw her there in the distance.

she had on this dress she loved.

she looked beautiful.

i stopped the car like a bull would stop far from the matador.

far enough that she could see i was there, and take the hint to go back in her new home.

and then i drove a little closer, got out, put the stuff on the ground.

and then i drove off.

because it was emotional and weird i forgot the three gallons of water i had also brought up there for her.

and her mail.

if anyone ever says, is tony good at anything? the answer is, he’s good at a few things but he always seems to end up having to do the things hes not great at.

on the way back i texted her to see if she got everything and she said yes.

i was hoping she’d say holy fuck what you brought me was incredible

but maybe it wasnt incredible to her.

the good lord made us all different.

so different, in many cases.

which is a miracle in itself that we get along as well as we do.

on the way home i got a Beyond Meat burger from Carls Jr because that is the meal i would get when i would visit her back in the day.

i dont ever think i will ever not think of her when i get that burger.

fuckers put pickles on it even though i asked for no pickles extra catchup.