1. Wednesday, February 3, 2021

    january was a heartbreaker 

    so many things went wrong in december that i thought they’d be over in january but

    it turned out there was some momentum

    amber and i broke up a few weeks ago,

    weirdly as the capitol was being attacked by insurrectionists.

    amber used to say that i didnt know when our anniversary was, but i sure as hell wont ever forget when our break up was.

    it was a matter of time. i was losing my mind. micromanaging. fighting.

    i think i even grounded her at some point.

    (long story)

    needless to say i would play this springsteen song in my head all the time

    when i look at myself i don’t see
    the man i wanted to be

    somewhere ‘long the line i fell off track
    one step up, two steps back

    naturally the Boss wrote that as he was going through his divorce.

    amber is a very sweet girl. we had a much longer run than i bet anyone woulda given it.

    6 years? 4 years? however you count it the last 9 months being locked in this one bedroom apartment during covid should count for 5 years all by itself.

    the first two days of her not being here was sooooo weird.

    i hadnt realized how close we were, even with the fighting.

    just another human in the same space as you are in 24/7 is so unnatural.

    astrologically we are both air signs, we need to be free, we need to zip around, and for sure we need to vibe off of other people.

    they say when you try to trap Air, it turns stale.

    we were trapped. and i would give her a hard time for wanting to walk around and stretch her beautiful legs

    legs that were being effed with due to her diabetes.

    she actually needed to walk, but thanks to Trump there was so much misinformation about COVID so i tried to tell her to walk in the morning before i woke up so i wouldnt freak out that she was roaming our dirty neighborhood talking to all the homeless people and maybe catching something deadly.

    most of this pandemic i have had the ability to work, even if it wasnt paying much, i was being pushed mentally and creatively.

    amber did not have that going for her, sadly. and i couldn’t help her.

    so much of our relationship in Before Times involved going to movies or concerts or little drives, even if they didnt lead anywhere. that was one thing that kept us together for so long.

    she wasnt a lets-go-to-the-club person or even much of a restaurant person. she was super happy just driving to the valley and back, or to malibu and back.

    i wanted to do so much for her.

    i coulda sworn i was going to get this great paying job and i was all, im gonna get this for you and that and this and that

    i even had plans to buy a new car and give her my Benz even though she kept saying she doesnt need a car.

    i remember talking to someone who was like, yeah i see your girl getting off the bus. you wouldn’t think high maintenance girls would take the bus.

    i was all, what makes you think shes high maintenance? and he was all, look at her. and i was like, i dont know what you think you see, but you should get to know her. she’s the opposite. all she wants to do is give.

    the only thing she wants i cant get her. a diamond ring and kids.

    other than that she pretty much just wants fresh produce and the freedom to listen to NPR 6 hours a day.

    in a way it’s good that the pandemic was the straw that broke the camel’s back because shes young enough still to find that man and get the family she wants. she was just treading water with me.

    living here she was able to get out of debt and achieve something she really wanted – to be a great concierge at a legendary hotel.

    those things woulda happened anyway, but being here sped up the process because i can be a bit of a nooge.

    she in turn turned a lot of my apartment into the grown up place that i had avoided.

    instead of a mattress on milk crates there’s an actual bed, and a new mattress. i have a washer dryer. she got me to purge some of my crap and more is on the way out.

    but most of all she got me eating healthier. every meal had vegetables and together we started eating fake meat.

    she also got me to cut down on drinking to almost nothing.

    not that i had a problem before but because she was straight edge, i didn’t mind following her lead.

    i cannot stress enough what a good person she is. im welling up thinking about it.

    and like so many women she had so many bad boyfriends.

    it almost makes me wanna have 6 boys so i can teach them how to treat women but hi i grounded her so who the hell am i?

    who the hell am i was a constant theme.

    when we first started dating she wore super high heels

    was she testing me?

    i dont test well. also ive been around the block, i dont care how tall a woman is. be tall. mick jaggers two longest loves were way taller than he was. amber was only taller when she wore those heels

    i must have passed the test because she stopped after a while.

    but back then i was all, who am i dating this long legged valley girl

    years later i was all who the hell am i constantly fighting with someone?

    who the hell am i that i can’t help her get the rest of all she wants?

    all she truly needed most of the time was someone to rub her legs at night

    because of the insulin. it builds up or the sugar affects her bad… or who knows.

    she could be in the worst mood and if i started massaging any part of her legs she would just lay back

    close her eyes and a huge smile would form

    and she would whisper


    because to her this was better than making out

    squeezing that demon out of her long strong legs.

    who knew she was needing that so bad

    life is so unfair.

    people go through so much that we dont ever see.

    i tried so hard to be good.

    but sometimes two people just aren’t meant to last forever.

    sometimes they’re meant to be together during the darkest presidency ever

    and then move on.

    but that doesn’t make it less hard.

    i will miss you amber smith blog

    amber smith concierge

    fluent in whatever she wants to be and friend to all.

    thank you for being my friend when i really needed one badly.

    and didnt even know it.