there was a crazy man playing with himself on my block

for four-five hours he acted crazy and brought a ton of attention to me, my neighbors, and the rest of the people on the block

the nearby church has a pretty good security team and one of them brought their police dog over.

nothing scared this dude.

nothing got him to move away from the apartment building he seemed attracted to.

finally i just walked over to him and tried to be the peacemaker.

brother, this is the wrong block to do this at

he looked at me. handsomely.
his shirt wasnt off yet, but it would be.

i said you keep flinching around and that dog is going to eat you.


the cops are going to come and they are going to shoot you.

and i do not want another black man dying on this street.

the man said

i dont believe you.

i said

all you have to do is walk to the end of this block and you’ll be safe, this is hollywood, handsome dudes yanking off in the middle of the street simply means nature is healing

but they are going to shoot your or eat you here.

his reply?

not sure. it was in German.

which is super scary because he had been whispering in English as i was talking.

super hot chick came out of a nearby apartment. because we are all wearing masks all i could see was her magically brown eyes and batwing mascara

eventually id notice her super tight yoga pants.

within minutes we discovered that she was a White Sox fan and we could never get married, but we could at least be friends.

at some point she tried negotiating with the man but that just made him stick his hand


down his pants and get back to work.

people say he had been doing that for hours in between stabbing his fist at the wind

and smearing gooped up trash into a fence.

so i said, look if youre gonna talk to him im going to put together a care package

i went home, put socks, water, chips, and muffins in a Target bag.

i returned and said, here, take this, but eat it at the corner.

he said, im not going to eat your poison.

i said, the dog is going to eat you.

is that how you want to die?

he said im never going to die.

i said, in spirit, true

because im going to write about you.