nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, August 1, 2018

    drove a nice gay dude from weho to dtla 

    super fascinating. sat in the front seat. apparently has lots of money and was cool.

    so lets go.

    drove through traffic and he was talking talking talking which was fine with me.

    first he told me about his crazy friends who were buying and selling houses, then he was telling me about how he drives luxury cars too for fun and profit

    but then he started telling me about when he was a paramedic in nyc.

    “back then before GPS we would just park in an alley and sleep. if we heard a call come in like ‘Alex22, Alex22 are you there?’ we would just ignore it until they sent it to another vehicle. but some of those would balk at it. finally dispatch would say ‘Alex22 logging you out of the system in 3 seconds.’ and we would click the radio and say ‘Alex22 responding.'”

    but a lot of times they would nap.

    one day, he told me, they were in an alley and they heard that there were gunshots about two blocks away from them. so he told his partner to drive over to where he heard the sound. his partner was all, “fuck that, lets wait for the cops to get there.”

    he was like, “we are literally 2 minutes away, lets roll, see whats happening, if its the wild west we will speed through but if theres a victim, lets do our DAMN JOB!”

    so they drove and saw this teen boy literally gushing blood. gunshot to the neck.

    my dude jumps out of the ambulance, and sees that every time the teen’s heart pumps, blood squirts out high and far from the wound. so he shoved his hand in the poor guy’s neck and blocks the artery. cops finally come.  they all help him get the guy in the back of the ambulance, they speed to the hospital, the whole time keeping his finger on the hole.

    when they made it to the hospital and got him into the operating room they finally let him get his finger out of that bloody neck and bing bang boom he ended up ok.

    my dude got a note a month later and they said not only did the victim walk out of there, but he had zero brain issues.

    i asked, is that the most heroic thing you ever did?

    he said, it’s way up there.

    but then he tipped me $5, which was heroic for me!

  2. Monday, July 30, 2018

    well my computer has completely died 

    it was with me for 7 long years. it’s seen a ton. i wrote a ton on it. ive traveled with it, slept on it

    and it tried to burn my legs time after time after time.

    so now im torn between spending $1,200 on a used MacBook Pro

    or $800 on refurbished MacBook Air

    i want the Pro. I have a credit card that gives me a year of no interest on Apple purchases.

    but heres the funniest reason i want the 2014 Pro… it has an HDMI output jack

    something i have never needed or asked for, but because i know it exists i desperately want it.

    if anyone ever claims that i am a smart person, please refer them to this post.

  3. Friday, July 27, 2018

    they say movie pass is dying 

    you know what Springsteen says

    everything that dies some day comes back

    put your makeup on, fix your hair up pretty

    and meet me tonight in Atlantic City.

    in other news, my computer has died so everyone is telling me to get a refurbished Mac from 2015

    because that was the year they made the last great Macs

    weirdly they cost as much as brand new ones.

    which is sorta cool i guess because my now-dead one lasted 7 years.

    and i used it every day

    and i wrote to you almost every day.

    and mama mia all the videos i saw on it and cubs games and work i did on it.

    so i for sure got my moneys worth.

  4. Thursday, July 26, 2018

    things i used to want, ranked 

    1. an actual satellite dish

    2. to be the manager of the Cubs

    3. 12 kids

    4. three wives

    5. an ’82 Corvette

    6. to read a book a month

    7. to be a preacher

    8. to be in the air force

    9. for everyone to love me

    10. a boat

    11. a fridge in the garage

    12. shelves that line my ceiling so i can put all my books

    13. a Harvard degree

    14. 5 acres on the Umpqua River

    15. to win the lottery yesterday

    16. to run MTV

    17. to get an A in any of my college classes at UCSB

    18. to be mayor of Isla Vista

    19. to meet Angus Young

    20. a farm

    21. a fine collection of toupees

    22. for people to understand each other completely

  5. Monday, July 23, 2018

    things close things open things spread things dead 

    there was a shootout at the local grocery store last week. people died.

    it can happen no matter how great or not great the neighborhood.

    all of a sudden a bullet slides into your DMs and its hi st peter

    so today we were gonna go to catalina but she changed her mind so its malibu, land of ten thousand wakes

    we saw this doc last night about twins who found out they were triplets

    fascinating though immoral insight into nature vs nurture. whats weird is they use Donahue clips from an episode i remember seeing at like 10 years old

    where separated at birth triplets are reunited 20 years later and they look and act the same

    and i was, even at that young age, all, well i guess it doesnt matter if you work out or study or try to better yourself, you’re actually not driving the car, you’re at disneyland and youre on a track, you have no free will. but what was good about this doc, if you can swim your way through the muck to get to the finish line is that aha you do have free will, fantastic talk shows from the 70s and early 80s dont know everything.

    theres more to the story. these tracks are suggestions. life isnt disneyland. you actually omg can be a triplet and have unique thoughts and depending on who raised you *does* affect how you view the world

    and if you are lucky enough to have had an educated, independent and loving mom like me, things like respecting women, reading, researching, and being a good neighbor are requirements, not bonuses.

    theres a slow train coming, y’all.

    so this day may change a bit more as it goes which is cool because do you know how many times ive done that to others, including to myself.

    fuckit maybe we will just go to disneyland and call it a day

  6. Sunday, July 22, 2018

    zigadenus asks, “who are you”? 

    well, i was born a poor black child

    while in high school i went to iowa to check out a college, i was poisoned by a group of undercover miscreants

    collectively called the xbi

    who convinced me to move to california and join them.

    at first their intentions were good, but as time passed it became obvious to me that they werent who they claimed to be and i left

    but you never truly leave the xbi.

    in order to lure me back into their good graces they have attempted to bribe me with lavish gifts, beautiful women, and delicious tacos

    in a way, this blog is an accounting of the lovely, but immoral things that they have done to and for me so that i would some day return and fly their black helicopter, chopper one. the one thing i really miss. a lot.

    who am i? im the same as you, a temporary visitor to this mortal coil, skateboarding on the tightrope over clever and stupid, dreaming of a time when one doesnt introduce themselves by elegant words that could never fit on a business card, but instead hold up a lotus bloom and esp everything

    on saturdays i drive for lyft

  7. Thursday, July 19, 2018

    yesterday i was feeling so sick, so sad, so out of it 

    i pooped like five times. i nearly cried when i got home. i told amber to hug me but she just laughed

    because everyone laughs when im out of sorts.

    so i said please just hug me PLEASE

    and finally she did but it wasnt the best hug so i said, please go outside and find someone good at hugging and bring them here.

    first she brought this big fat guy who lives in a tent on the corner.

    and he was pretty good but it didnt work,

    then she brought OJ in, but meh

    then she paraded in the Swedish Bikini Team but they were too rough. i wanted a simple warm, gentle hug.

    so then amber tried again but nothing worked.

    so i clapped twice which turned the lights out, i sipped some water and just laid there with my eyes closed as she cooked some shrimp with tofu over rice.

    and i ate it and felt better.

    and i apologized to her for shunning all of her attempts at lovin me.

    and then around 11pm i felt better and no more poops tried to explode in my shorts

    and i took a long walk around Hollywood

    and counted my blessings.

  8. Tuesday, July 17, 2018

    im gonna start working on a secret project soon 

    im no good at secrets any more because the xbi trained me how to keep a secret better than anyone but f the xbi

    therefore f secrets

    but this is an important one because if everything works out right it will benefit society

    and deep down thats all i really wanna do for the rest of my life.

    yesterday i was at lunch with a young man and we were in the drive thru and the young lady cashier had a unique name

    and i asked her how she pronounced it.

    then i asked her if she had run into anyone with that name before?

    she said her grandma.

    afterwards the gentleman asked me, almost in an annoyed manner

    “why are you so nice to everyone?”

    which at first seems like an odd question, but when you put yourself in other peoples shoes, maybe they havent had such a great life. maybe others have been mean to them. maybe their path has been hard. and maybe they have seen how being nice doesnt always equate to others being nice in return.

    so i said, im nice here because i really do love people. i love how differently everyone thinks. how weird it is that everyone sounds different. i love fashions ppl wear. and best of all i love everyones stories and secretly i just want them to tell me great tales of wonder and intrigue.

    real life stories are a million times more interesting than fiction. why? because people being themselves is way more interesting than falsifying the record.

    which is why nothing in here is true.

  9. Saturday, July 14, 2018

    you can do this you can do this you can do this 

    any time i think that something might be too hard

    or that someone has set up a stumbling block for me to trip on

    or that because no one else has done it before, i cant

    i think about bob dylan who never wrote these words but epitomizes them perfectly

    you can do this you can do this you can do this

    fuckers known as the greatest lyricist and songwriter of all time

    yet if you went up to 100 people maybe one of them can sing you a song of his all the way through

    but it would probably take you 500 people to find that one.

    does that mean that his songs are any less special? no it means that they are complex and twisted and gnarled and break the rules of what pop music is “supposed” to be like.

    which should be the goal of creative people. and ps we are all creative people.

    you can do this

    dylan was booed when he omg dared to put down his acoustic guitar and plug in and play an electric.

    he was criticized — and is still maligned for not being a great singer

    when he recorded a number of “Christian” or “Born Again” records he was ridiculed and those magnificent pieces were considered unworthy for his canon.

    but did he pay any mind? did he pack up the plantation? did he give in to those who were a few steps behind him?

    no he kept moving. which is why you can do this you can do this you can do this.

    being a leader can be lonely, the bugs hit your windscreen more than those riding comfortably in your wake,

    you have to blaze the path by cutting down the weeds with your machete of love,

    you have to shake hands with the natives and build bridges and repair roadways

    the others can simply coast behind you and tell their friends how much progress They’ve made in half the time it took you

    but you know

    to lead means to make the map, to learn the language, to set up milestones and alliances

    to follow means to look out the window and take in the view.

    even in a road race of a thousand cyclists there’s only one leader

    and with each strenuous pedal he’s saying





    you can

    do this

    you can do this

    because yes you can.