nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, April 22, 2016

    all i wanna talk about is prince all i think about is prince 

    city hall

    yesterday at work i was a mess before i even got to work.

    i was on the phone with my mom driving in to work when she learned about it and as i was driving i googled it and saw it was true,

    i nearly stopped the car and turned around and went home but as prince embodied in his final performance at his home, the show must go on.

    so i went in to work. it was super quiet. it’s been quiet but it was super quiet.

    people would be nice and say hi how are you and i wanted to say Prince is dead how the f am i supposed to be?

    but i smiled tried to tell jokes and i went on with my day which was pretty impossible

    the only actual good i did there was we usually try to at least put a picture up if an Oscar winner or member dies and we try to say something nice but often it’s not as inspired as that one time.

    so we all had a quickie little meeting and my boss decided to use prince’s Oscar win video as what we would put up and we did and near the end of the day i saw it had made it to Twitter Moments which is actually an accomplishment because EVERYTHING on twitter yesterday was about Prince


    so to make it through all of that was actually a little bit of a bright spot in an otherwise dark day

    rosario dawsonubered a little. got home. couldnt sleep. tweeted. one of my tweets did super good. weird.

    rosario dawson(!) retweeted it.

    passed out.

    today is friday and if i was a quitter or a call in sicker i would call in sick but im not sick im sad and gloomy and not at all sure why Prince died of the flu. and i hope he didnt have a drug issue no one knew about. because one reason out of millions that we loved Prince was because he was above all of those mortal things.

    in many many ways he was holy.

    still is.

    still was.

    now i really dont wanna go to work.

  2. Thursday, April 21, 2016

    i nearly crashed the car when i was texted the news today 

    prince at the troubadour

    then through most of the day i asked myself, what purpose is life>?

    a guy cranks out so much music over the years. always on tour. always doing new things.

    always wearing new clothes, new bands, new hairstyles, new passions

    and then what: TMZ gets the scoop that youre dead?

    thats why we do this? thats what happens to the best there was?

    dude played like Hendrix, danced like James Brown, sang like… no one else

    looked like no one else, acted like no one else, probably smelled like a freshly laundered unicorn

    only guy in the world who could wear exactly the same clothes your girl was wearing

    down to the shoes and the purse

    and steal yr girl.

    i saw him in san jose, staples, coachella, the forum and the troubadour

    was better than even bruce because he never let ANYTHING tie him down to a structure.

    only thing he HAD to do was play purple rain and guess what, at the Troub he didn’t play Purple Rain and people didnt give one f. except me because as ashley* said way back when im never satisfied and shes right.

    for the exception of at the forum. he played for 55 hours. half of the audience left after the 18th encore. he had leased the building out for the entire month. he was on Prince Time, not our time. so he would play, make an exit and come back in 10 minutes and play more hits. it was a marvel. he was a marvel. he was the exception of all rules.

    he was the maestro, the genius, the master and unlike many who are like that: he had soul for days.

    soul is the reason for life.

    how do we take care of our soul.

    how do we tickle the souls of others.

    and how do we stay sexy until our very last breath.

    prince did it and i hope we never learn how he died because i wanna believe he just turned into a dove and flew away.

  3. i knew she was a model right away 

    modelshe was tall, skinny, carefree. made me wait.

    i got pinged about 7 minutes away. i was in venice. i forget why. who knows.

    it was surging almost double the normal price so i accepted it.

    youd think if you ping an uber and 7 minutes later youd be ready, but think again. life isnt like that. youre gonna wait. the pin was dropped on a lifeguard station on the beach so as i went down as far as i could on the street i called.

    hey this is uber

    hi yeah, can you wait just a minute, im in the candy store on the boardwalk.

    did this piss me off? of course. it’s my fatal flaw. it’s the thing that will probably kill me one day. it’ll give me a heart attack. for some reason i believe that if when you order your uber and it says he will be there in 7 minutes, you should be outside waiting when it says he will arrive.

    NOT omg i have 7 minutes, lets browse and then BUY THINGS at the candy store.

    so as i waited in an alley right near the beach i took a snapchat of the scene – which was beautiful – the sun had set – the seagulls had descended – the shops were closing up – the tourists were strolling

    the palm trees were saying just enjoy where youre at, tony,

    not where you think you should be

    so i did.

    and she emerged from the candy store, a tall


    dark figure with good hair and a little bag

    she got in behind me

    said, wanna gummy bear


  4. Wednesday, April 20, 2016

    sometimes i know whats going on 

    ice cube and axlsometimes i dont know whats happening at all

    last night a pretty girl came over and said lets make crazy love.

    i said omg lets watch this movie about Tower Records first.

    this is what happens when you get super olde, btw

    so she was just happy to be there so she said fine and we turned on the tv and she made popcorn and we watched the movie

    just as i thought, she fell asleep about 20 minutes into it because she was too young to remember when record stores mattered, you know when they were the center of the universe and if you really loved music youd know where they all were in every part of town and which ones were great at used records and which ones were great at singles and which ones were cheap and which ones were perfect for imports

    the tower records story was fascinating. i didnt know anything about it. it pretty much mirrored the trajectory of records in general. the dude started by getting a part of his dads drug store and he bought 45s in frisco and drove them to Sacto and sold them and drove back and bought twice as many and sold twice as many

    then one day he was all fuckit, let me get a big ass location in frisco and make “the biggest record store in the world” and he did and it was a success and every time he built a record store it was pretty much a success. and everything went well until the industry a) stepped away from singles and got greedy and tried to shove albums down everyones throats for $16.99

    and b) didnt pay close enough attention to napster and itunes and the ipod.

    but one magical thing happened: Japan. tower figured out how to make it happen in Japan early on and there are still Tower Records stores there to this day.

    which is something no one would have predicted (none in the US and tons there) which tells me its ok not to know things. its ok to rise and fall. its ok to live life filled with love and wonder.

    and rock n roll may die, but all those great tunes never will.

  5. Tuesday, April 19, 2016

    im going to the dentist in 15 minutes 

    babeif it seems like i go to the dentist a lot it’s because i do go to the dentist a lot.

    like michael anthony hall in sixteen candles, fresh breath is key to my life.

    i also have bleeding gums like bleeding gums murphy

    an old xbi ailment when then used to punch us in the face repeatedly so as to see if we really could not feel any more pain.

    the only pain i feel these days is in my soul.

    i look back at the things i did or said and i think was that the right choice?

    did i do the right things?

    should i have?

    shouldnt i have?

    i dont read old busblog posts because they can haunt me

    for whole minutes.

    i dont even like to be haunted for seconds.

    i like to enjoy this little breath of time that we have together on this magical planet.

    i like to feel love and be loved and eat and taste and dance the body electric.

    i dont have time for the flim flam pajama waltz of times gone by

    theres a reason they went by.

    now is the time of the zip zap.

    today is the day we should be on jet packs.

    the only reason we aint is because we dont believe we can.

    and some dont believe we deserve it.

    you deserve it sweet souls of today

    we all have earned the good

    simply by being

    children of the creator

    mirrors of his soul

    light of his life

    defenders of the boogie.

    now open up and say fuck yeah

  6. Monday, April 18, 2016

    i am a half million years old 

    work of artand on this journey i have seen a million beautiful images. these eyes. oh boy. what theyve seen.

    ive gone to museums, rock shows, wonders of the world.

    some of the most amazing women have said hi busblog and stripped down and hugged me.

    ive read amazing books, been taught by some of the brightest teachers.

    and living in california most of my life ive seen more than my fair share of gorgeous landscapes, sunsets, and skateboard tricks.

    most of the time i say, why have you given me this, Lord, why me? who am i?

    and every now and then a little voice will whisper: because you will write it down.

    im reading Acts right now which is one of my favorite books of the bible because shit gets cray in there. some weird magical stuff goes down and people are all wtf! after all of that i went to the movies with a pretty girl who in the middle of the movie asked me to squeeze her bare leg, so i did. it was the best part of the film.

    i get disappointed easily because i have high hopes. especially for movies. especially for movies directed by ppl who rarely make bad movies.

    but perhaps one reason i am so thankful for when i get to see or experience something super good

    is because i sit through so much crud.

    Everybody Wants Some was crud.

    if bro wanted to make a gay movie, he should have. but maybe he thought it would be ok. it’s ok bro.

    that movie i sat through last night was not ok.

  7. Sunday, April 17, 2016

    like many my age, Angus Young is my favorite guitarist 

    angus young caricature because i’m the luckiest man alive, i got to see the Back in Black tour when i was in high school.

    i was blown away.


    ive followed them ever since, ive seen them maybe 10 times since and loved them with all of my heart.

    the band has an amazing history and part of their uniqueness is, for whatever reason, they don’t play with other bands.

    angus has never laid down a solo for any other band.

    and brian johnson, only once, sang with another band live after he joined ac/dc, and that was with Billy Joel (!) onstage because billy wanted to do Shook Me All Night Long with the singer during one of his Madison Square Garden shows.

    brian also was on a Sting song once but that was so bizarre that even in a blog that says “nothing in here is true” dare i even mention it since the reader might think this whole thing is farcical.

    sadly it is not.

    yesterday AC/DC put out a cold-hearted press release wishing Johnson farewell. they said that it was due to doctors orders. they claim medical professionals said Brian could permanently lose his hearing if he continued to tour with the hard rock group that he has fronted since he did the impossible: fill the shoes of Bon Scott in 1980.

    not only did Brian take over for Bon, but his debut with AC/DC was Back in Black, one of the best selling records in the history of records which sold over 50 million units world wide.

    my interns are telling me Back in Black is the 2nd biggest record of all time next to Thriller.

    and then he fronted the group for 36 years, every record they made with brian sold millions of copies, every tour was a mammoth world wide arena filling moneymaker

    how do you say goodbye to your singer with a short press release after all of that?

    if angus wanted to do something he’d never done before (play with a new singer for a few gigs) did he really need to fire Brian to do it?

    adios brian ac/dcgranted, things are tough for Angus right now, his brother and long time co-writer and BFF malcolm has slipped into dementia and is close to death.

    AC/DC’s latest record Rock or Bust is the lowest selling album the band ever released. barely a half million units were sold in the US despite headlining Coachella last year and filling baseball stadiums around the nation.

    at 61 years old he doesnt fly around the stage as fast as he once did

    which must be depressing.

    but could it be as depressing as being kicked out of the band and replaced by a screeching Axl Rose who is clearly only doing it to a) bring attention to the Guns n Roses “reunion” tour b) avoid Slash c) distract himself from making the Guns show the best it can be.

    meanwhile Brian is saying he was kicked out. that as soon as he told the band what the doc said that they didn’t even listen to him when he told them that the doc wanted to figure out a way to work with the issue. all his stuff was shipped to his door and it was over.

    bye felicia.

    so i have mixed feelings about last night at coachella when during the guns n roses headlining performance they brought out angus for two songs.

    of course it’s great to see him and hear him and have him back in the desert where they rocked two, two-hour sets last year. and despite the fact that axl didn’t know parts of Whole Lotta Rosie, he did sound good.

    but it all felt like a royal F-U to loveable brian

    how am i supposed to like this, let a lone love it?

    and why wasn’t Slash allowed a solo?

    is angus losing his mind too?

    is angus not a nice guy?

    did malcolm balance him out and thats why we never heard or saw any of this?

    now i gotta buy Brians book from 2009 and see if there are any clues.

    i’ll have plenty of money because now i wont be buying any tickets to see ACDC with Axl fronting it

  8. Friday, April 15, 2016

    saving bree 

    save bree

    Bree Olson is a former porn star.

    but in real life she is also a


    her name is Rachel Oberlin from Indiana. she has feelings. she has thoughts. she has dreams.

    she wants to be a nurse.

    unfortunately she was super good at the thing she got famous doing

    and no nursing institutions will let her be a nurse now because sex is bad, apparently

    especially if a camera is rolling, even though thats totally legal.

    she’s sorta losing her mind now and wants to go to rehab.

    she says she drinks too much and takes too many anxiety pills.

    she says a medium price joint that specializes in former adult performers

    costs $100k for 90 days. so she put up a GoFundMe last night and told everyone about it

    through a heartbreaking Periscope video.

    I hope one of her famous admirers pays a good chunk of the bill.

    or the multitudes of her fans chip in $5 or $20.

    i gave $25 because ive seen first hand – well, second hand – how effective rehab can be for a girl.

    Long live Bree. Long live Rachel.

  9. Thursday, April 14, 2016

    went to the doctor today and they said i had to see a specialist 

    da bearsthis is what happens when you try to use the xbi insurance.

    they want you only to see xbi doctors and

    its not because they care about you

    they just wanna keep an eye on their investment

    even if you are just a shell of who you used to be

    i havent been a solid xbi agent in years

    they swear they can get me back in shape if i had the desire to get there but

    as you get older the things you care about substantially changes

    when youre little you want candy

    then you want a bike

    then you want a girlfriend

    then you want a car

    then you want a plane

    then you want a mythical black helicopter that barely makes a sound but ironically can stabilize large groups of terrible people through audio technology that can bring them to their knees with nausea.

    then you want two cars.

    all i want right now is to see the cubs win the world series and it looks like theyre on their way.

    then i want some ice cream.

    then i want to help people.

    the other day someone asked me what i wanna be when i grow up

    i said i wanna never grow up.

    because it seems like the more shit you gotta do

    the less shit you get to do.

    and all the shit i wanna do is for you.

  10. Wednesday, April 13, 2016

    why i like to sit in the bleachers 

    one day i want to make a tv series, a sit com, about angels in heaven and how they look down and comment and futz around with this or that to make things better

    in one of the episodes i want to explain why wrigley field in chicago was clearly aided by Someone Above

    in part because there isn’t a bad seat in the house

    other than those behind poles

    and how the best seats in the joint are probably the humble backless benches in the bleachers

    i like to sit there because, and no disrespect, but i believe the best fans are there

    in the olden days they used to also be the most frugal, but due to the secret getting out that the bleachers are so unique at wrigley, the same bleacher seats that i used to pay $3 for in high school now go for $64 and can cost three times the price of sitting in the upper deck ($21).

    at dodger stadium the secret isnt out yet so theyve converted the right field bleachers into an all you can eat gorgefest. for as low as $33, but your ticket includes unlimited Dodger Dogs, nachos, popcorn, peanuts, Coke products and bottled water. if i ran the joint id also have people guessing your weight, giving you back scratches, and doling out investment advice, but

    at Wrigley you feel right on top of the players when youre in the bleachers.

    at Dodger Stadium, they dont want you that close. theyre nervous. maybe they should be nervous. everyones trying to be a star in LA.

    in Chicago we already know we’re stars. if youre trying to prove something to people, youre probably an out of towner.

    theres some good seats at Dodger Stadium, but not many, which is why i prefer the bleachers there. at least its fun, theres free food, and you get to meet some colorful fans from the IE