nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, January 22, 2015

    after the winds come and go 

    tupac and snoop doggand the rain and the three cold days

    the stars come back, a miracle because of

    all the light pollution

    and they just wanna hang there.

    they think we’re better

    than we think we are.

    imagine that.

    prettiest things in the universe.

    my doctor says the xbi doctor is right

    that im gonna live as long as those stars

    so i probably should stop it with the mcdonalds breakfasts.

    how about no drive thrus until after 8pm

    she asked snapping the rubber glove.

    im always down for a challenge.

    this is the creamiest avocado ive ever had.

    how is that possible.

    how is anything possible.

    we are robots with self charging solar batteries and the most miraculous cpus.

    you know why i believe in god?

    because he showed off

    with our eyes.

    not just practical


    and .

    the big bang doesnt accidentally produce eyes like yrs

  2. ballghazigate 

    tumblr_nik5avsmg31s201nro1_400so twice now in the last few years the new england patriots have been caught cheating

    this time they were caught during the AFC Championship game

    now a real commissioner would rule that the Patriots, who are on probation, have forfeited their right to play in the Super Bowl

    or a soft commissioner would rule that the Patriots should have two people banned from the Super Bowl

    namely the coach, who is a huge liar, and obvs knows when 11 of 12 balls are being fucked with

    and the QB who is also a huge liar and obvs knows when the centerpiece of his professional life

    the football in his hands

    is 16% lighter and squeezier than normal balls.

    but we dont live in that world. we live in a world where the NFL commissioner wants to keep his $44 million salary

    and he doesnt want to scare his bosses, the NFL owners, into thinking that he would ever do anything that dramatic to them

    if he ever caught them with their hands in the cookie jar.

    so he will do the least courageous thing possible: he will fine the team a few hundred grand

    and make them lose another draft pick.

    just like last time

    just like any time.

    why? because his balls are deflated too.

  3. Wednesday, January 21, 2015

    had some great soup last night with my buddy chris 

    green mind

    if you woulda told me when i was a little leaguer that id be a man who would pay $11 for a salad at lunch

    and $10 for a bigass bowl of vietnamese soup for dinner

    i woulda told you, this is why my momma doesnt let me talk to strangers.

    when chris said he wanted to have dinner i was all hmmm where can we go. thai? chinese? armenian?

    then he said “somewhere healthy” and i forgot hes been on this health kick for the last couple of years.

    so as we were driving down sunset i said hey how about some Pho

    he said sure.

    i said you want local casual pho or hipster pho

    and before he could answer i said lets see what the hipsters are up to.

    and not only was it great but we ran into former KPCC lovely and now LA Times artist, Lily

    who was not eating pho, i dont even know what she was eating but it wasnt soup.

    probably because she was all i aint paying no $10 for a bigass bowl of soup.

    but man were we happy with our choice.

  4. Tuesday, January 20, 2015

    a comment from a long time reader 

    i heart LA


    You need to get out of LA pronto. You don’t need the Hollywood Hills house in your rear view mirror all day. The constant visibility of all the things you don’t have is clouding your mind as to all that you do have.

    Ok you just got another job after being down and out for a while, all your friends are there and (insert your favorite rationalization to stay here). Whatever. I ain’t saying never come back.
    I been reading your blog a long time. You need a break my man.

    A radical break.


    fine. but where?

  5. theres a guy who wants to build a restaurant bar 200 feet from my apartment 

    pete rose

    he swears he wants to form a bond with the neighbors here.

    yet he has his guys jackhammer the building starting at 8am on saturday

    and now 8:45am on tuesday.

    while its nice that he gave his workers MLK day off, it’s weird that he thinks hes going to make friends by waking everyone up on saturdays.

    how did pete rose get banned from baseball and yet dickweeds and imbeciles get to own parts of hollywood, do ridiculous things selfishly

    and think they can just have whatever they want.

    i wrote a letter a while ago that said if he tries to squeeze this thing into our hood, a place that already has major parking issues

    im just gonna call the cops every night for disturbing the peace

    and i only lie on this blog

  6. Monday, January 19, 2015

    is fear your friend or your foe 

    wolf of wall streetwhen i look around my apartment and wonder why i dont have a house i think about two things, three really, that are keeping me back.

    and theyre all crazy.

    the first is the lottery. for some reason i think one day imma win the big grand prize and buy a house on the hill in hollywood with an infinity pool.

    the feeling is so real i wonder if in a past life i won the lottery and bought a house and had a former porn star maid who wore great clothes, dusted from time to time but mostly floated around the pool reading the wall street journal.

    the second is a series of books. for some reason whenever i feel like i need a million bucks i need to write a few books like how bukowski did and move to san pedro. but then theres this voice in my head that says “dont you forget, you hate writing books, and youre tired of them, and they take so long, and theyre painful. and btw you suck at writing anything longer than what would fit on a post card.”

    and then i think fine, i will make a book of post card love letters to random ladies.

    the third is marrying rich. but i dont wanna get married. im sure i would get bored within minutes, even if she was super rich. and im positive i would bore her too.

    to me the worst thing in the world is to be bored. life is a miracle. id rather read the web and my books and watch tv and drive LA around LA all day than be in a relationship where i wasnt stimulated by the person i was shacked up with.

    even if she was a zillionaire. especially if she was a zillionaire bc i bet she would have interesting friends who would give us tips on how to remodel our mcmansion, which doesnt need any damn remodeling. and who would saunter over during the day when i was supposed to be writing and she would float in the pool with the x pornstar maid and theyd talk about what they read in the wall street journal and yell at me to look up and judge their high diving contest.

    and id say we dont have a high dive

    and theyd say, we are high, and we’re gonna dive, so judge us.

    and thats why everyone wants to marry rich. but we all know that never works out.

    why? because no one wants to be the silver medalist. which is who you are when you dont fall fall fall into omg i love you love.

  7. clipper girls cousin sent me a quiz 

    moonrise kingdomQuestions not usually asked

    1:Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?


    2:Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?

    im bald, remember? (of course)

    3:Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?

    depends on how long ago the maid came

    4:Have you ever stolen a street sign before?

    no comment

    5:Do you like to use post-it notes?

    no. it hurts the rainforest.

    6:Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?

    not any more. we live in a paperless society

    7:Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees?

    bees. cuz they die when they bite you/

    8:Do you have freckles?

    im black and not a former Boston Celtic!

    9:Do you always smile for pictures?


    Moonrise_Kingdom10:What is your biggest pet peeve?

    people who dont turn right on a red light when it’s clear

    11:Do you ever count your steps when you walk?

    of course not!

    14:Do you ever dance even if there’s no music playing?

    dont do drugs

    15:Do you chew your pens and pencils?

    dont do hard drugs

    16:How many people have you slept with this week?

    zero people. kittens: two.

    17:What size is your bed?

    perfect size

    18:What is your Song of the week?

    the taylor swift song where shes admitting shes cray

    19:Is it okay for guys to wear pink?

    yes, but it’s a tricky maneuver

    20:Do you still watch cartoons?

    the simpsons forever

    21:Whats your least favorite movie?

    Blues Brothers 2000

    22:Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?

    in an old folks home

    23:What do you drink with dinner?


    24:What do you dip a chicken nugget in?

    hot mustard

    25:What is your favorite food?


    26:What movies could you watch over and over and still love?

    the blues brothers, moonrise kingdom, kill bill 2, pee wee’s big adventure

  8. Sunday, January 18, 2015
  9. i got a nice message today from someone telling me they think im cool 


    im not the slightest bit cool.

    i actively seek out the worst clothes and then never iron them.

    i refuse to clean anything except my uber car and my body.

    then theres my body, ahahahaha

    if anything i just try to be relaxed. something i learned from sandy koufax.

    heres what bill murray said a few years ago to the new york times about being relaxed.

    “The more relaxed you are, the better you are at everything: the better you are with your loved ones, the better you are with your enemies, the better you are at your job, the better you are with yourself.”

    so there you have it. uncool, but cool with it.