nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, November 13, 2014

    today is my one year anniversary at the academy 


    you never know how life is gonna work out, but it usually does.

    me and jobs. man. on the scoreboard things go well. i try to be nice and lovely to everyone. jokes, stories.

    i try to live by the example that we can kick all our competitors’ butts, etc.

    but after a while i end up on the street. it’s so weird. who did i piss off?

    maybe no one. maybe it was all the stars above saying oh crap, tony needs to be at the academy, dont let him get too comfortable over at the radio station, or newspaper, or tv station.

    or maybe all of those experiences were perfect for what i get to do now, which is communicate digitally through various avenues.

    all i know is im so happy, so stoked, so grateful.

    mostly im grateful to work with the brilliant team i get to be with every day.


    whats it like at the oscars? you think you know everything about an event youve seen every year,

    but until you’re right there, backstage, or in front of these moviemakers, you realize… i realized, theres a lot more to it.

    emotions, absolute joy, coolnessness.

    the pretty dresses and tuxes all blur, but you can see the auras pretty plainly and often they are glorious.

    it’s also fascinating to watch a telecast that really has no peers.

    there’s nothing in the world like the Oscars.


    but what i never realized was how many events the academy hosts outside of the big  show.

    fascinating discussions based around movies that changed everything.

    movies that still hold up 20, 30, 50 years later.

    movies i’ve never seen before. people ive never heard of. stories i didnt know existed.

    techniques for telling those stories. costumes, cinematography, sounds

    and one great thing about being at many of these events is you learn so much.

    you hear how all these creative and determined people dealt with politics and technology, and egos and limitations.

    everyone has limitations. everyone has pressures. even the rich and beautiful and successful. everyone.

    say what?



    this year i even had an incredibly bittersweet stroke of success

    which was  a total team effort, as most successes are.

    but heartbreaking all at the same time.

    and as emotional as that was,

    i can’t wait to see what this year brings.

  2. Wednesday, November 12, 2014

    is the Internet screwed? no. just the American Internet 

    obama with FCC chairman Wheeler

    all over the world, the web is fine, because in most parts of the world big business isn’t treated like Royalty.

    here in the home of the brave, there’s a political party that pretends that if giant conglomerates aren’t allowed to

    do whatever they damn well please

    then all the jobs will disappear.

    we quickly forget that all of these businesses began as start-ups that filled a hole in the market.

    Apple didn’t need any special treatment when it was competing against IBM, Microsoft, Xerox and countless other giants.

    Apple, omg, invented shit, stuck to their principles of innovation, and for decades struggled before they broke out.

    Now they’re bigger than big, mightier than anyone, and the hottest store in every mall lucky enough to have them.

    Time Warner, Comcast, AT&T and all these other Internet providers and cable companies lie right to our faces

    and tell us that if they are not allowed to slow down web speeds to smaller companies like Netflix and programs like BitTorrent

    then their businesses will falter and omg jobs jobs jobs and profits will magically evaporate.

    now there are a lot of things i like about our president. he turned around the economy

    millions of people now have healthcare. the stock market is breaking records every day.

    and he seems to give a shit about the environment.

    but when he fucks up he does so in such a huge way it’s like he made some weird deal with the GOP

    “i’ll throw you a bone, no matter what it is, a few times a year.”

    even though all they do is try to cockblock him Every. Chance. They. Can.

    for some hairbrained reason Obama named the BFF of the cable industry as the head of the FCC.

    Some douche named Wheeler.

    Wheeler is not going to have some amazing revelation in the near future.

    He’s not going to tell all of his country club brethren that they’re going to have to stop throttling the web.

    He’s going to lie and say he wants to listen to both sides.

    And then he’s going to do exactly what we know he’s going to do.

    Why? Because he is a Scorpion and we are Frogs.

    He can’t help it.

    He and all of his friends are addicted to money.

    And the people who keep voting for this nonsense are addicted to fear and ignorance.

    But I’m not angry. And do you know why?

    Because you cannot stop American ingenuity, particularly when porn is involved.

    The web will be fast one day because teenage boys, the keys to digital technology, won’t stand for slow connections

    to see boobs.

    bless their hearts.

  3. The New York Times reviews “Male and Female” nearly 100 years ago 

    male and female

    Of course, if any one is profoundly impressed by the solemn assurance that the best looking, most competent man and the prettiest girl of a party shipwrecked on an island will, in two years, gravitate toward each other, regardless of the fact that in England one was a butler and the other a “lady,” for that one “Male and Female” is apocalyptic. But the same person should ponder deeply over the revelation that two and two make four.

    - NY Times, November 24, 1919

  4. first things first im the fakest 

    madonna like a virginthirty years ago today madonnas like a virgin came out.

    somehow i had a giant poster of it on my bedroom wall.

    somehow i was invited to live in the house the wall belonged to.

    i was going to junior college at the time and working at a record store for $4 an hour.

    and somehow i was asked to move out of the home so that the teenage swedish nanny could take possession of the room

    and i could fuck off and find my first apartment – even though i was only making $4 an hour and going to college

    had i done anything wrong to incur such a drastic change? no. was i doing drugs or drinking or raising hell or having drunken friends over to all hours of the night? of course not. i was new to california, and LA, and i barely knew anybody.

    i actually was a virgin.

    it was not really the sort of thing one expects from the person one is named after and his new wife to do to a teenager, but as they say shit happens

    and it all happened as madonna looked down at me from the wall

    thirty years ago.

    the good book says we are supposed to forgive. i forgave.

    the lord says we’re supposed to turn the other cheek. which i did. and there could be worse things than being forced to move to a cockroach and flea infested apartment a few blocks from the ocean in venice beach in the mid 80s.

    but then more crappy things happened and the forgivenesses ran out.

    and i started to learn that some people are just selfish and they cause more stress to my heart than i want.

    life is short.

    we will make it through the wilderness.

    somehow we will make it through.

    but theres no reason to keep going back just because we’re too cowardly to see if we can go it alone.

    first things first, we are never alone.

    not with Jesus

    and madonna

    and momma.

  5. Tuesday, November 11, 2014

    hot babe in santa monica gets in and says how do you feel about taking me to redondo 

    tumblr_neub8fPuRl1qgojgxo2_400i was all, long hair, dont care, plus you smell like you robbed a perfume store.

    buckle up.

    zig zagged through stragglers, honked at the stoned, rolled down the windows

    and felt it all.

    whats your day job she asked with an accent i couldnt immediately place.

    alaskan? new hampshire?


    i work for an undercover super hero agency that steals from the thieves

    and gives to the poor.

    tumblr_neub8fPuRl1qgojgxo4_400oh, the xbi she said and i adjusted my rear view.

    she said, it’s on your license plate.

    oh yeah that.

    why would you give everything to the poor she asked, applying lip gloss and checking her work in a tiny mirror she snapped closed when she was satisfied

    because no one else is gonna do it i said and turned onto the 10 east.

    she looked out her window and yawned, every vacuum must be filled.

    is there a vacuum in your life i asked her, and turned down the pink floyd.

    yeah, im starving

    tumblr_neub8fPuRl1qgojgxo3_400beep beep bop she excused herself and called her boyfriend.

    hey im in an uber, i will be home in about 30 minutes, should i pick up something?

    i hate hate hate making stops i esped her but it wasnt working. she wasnt xbi.

    chinese? how about something healthy for a change? no that place closed. i dont know why. they were terrible?

    for some reason no one was in the carpool lane of the 405 so i sped.

    they decided he would order something and it would be ready when she arrived. good boy, i thought.

    i looked back in the rearview.

    she saw me looking.


    tumblr_neub8fPuRl1qgojgxo1_400what are you gonna do when you grow up? she asked.

    i was thinking about doing red carpet interviews for VH-1

    she stopped chewing the gum she was chomping.

    how did you know thats what i do? she asked.

    everyone knows what you do

    i told her.

    and turned up the radio.

    cuz fuck growing up.

  6. Monday, November 10, 2014

    you cant run away from your problems 

    big hero 6

    by halftime last night the Bears were down 42-0 and the QB was still in the game and the coach was still employed

    so i got in my car and headed to Jack in the Box to order everything on the menu

    and a diet dr pepper.

    then i drove to Burbank to escape into a movie, any movie. who cares. NOTHING MATTERS ANYWAYS

    so i paid $17.50 to see Big Hero 6 in 3D.

    as i was paying i heard a guy next to me say he just paid $70 for himself, his date, and the couple parking the car.

    “don’t worry Skip, i’m sure they’ll get the popcorn.”

    70 dollars worth of popcorn?

    did i like the film? of course not. how is anyone supposed to like anything when the Bears have a quarterback who hates winning and a coach who is so in love with said field general that he refuses to take him out of the game despite failing to score a point in the first half?

    i drank my coke, ate my junior mints and fell asleep about half way through and dreamt i was younger and beautiful women loved my blog.

    i woke up old, bald, mouth half full of chocolate and 3d glasses showing me the lamest disney film id seen since Alice in Wonderland.

    i would make the most horrible father. so mild mannered through the week but come Sunday my emotions go up and down based on how the monsters of the midway play.

    their record is now three wins and five losses.


    precisely how many new films ive fully enjoyed this year.

    my house is a mess but my maid arrives this week. thats pretty much the best thing ive got going for me.

    unless of course, the bears trade cutler for a bag of magic beans.

  7. Sunday, November 9, 2014

    dont worry, i know im the luckiest man alive 


    i may not say it a lot, but i know. and dont think im not grateful. i give thanks every night.

    last night i got paid money to tweet about possibly the coolest awards presentation in all of hollywood

    the governors awards are when the academy gov board honors three people who have meant a Lot to film

    and one person whose humanitarian efforts over a lifetime has meant an awful lot to humankind.

    because it’s star-studded, but not televised, and mostly press-free, many consider it the soul of the Oscar season.

    filmmakers are free to mingle and socialize with other legends, theres good food, good music,

    and the absolute best of the best go home with the most iconic trophy in the world


    Last night we honored Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award recipient Harry Belafonte, Honorary Award recipient Hayao Miyazaki, Honorary Award recipient Jean-Claude Carrière and Honorary Award recipient Maureen O’Hara.

    i admit i didn’t know all that much about any of them but after some short videos (starring Martin Scorsese, Steven Spielberg, Nicole Kidman, John Lasseter, and Luke Skywalker’s mom, among others), I was all wow.

    For example who knew that We Are The World was the brainchild of Belafonte?


    i had a great seat except for this guy


    JK actually we were sitting on a riser in the back of the Ray Dolby Ballroom adjacent to the Dolby Theater at Hollywood and Highland

    My boss Josh sat between my co-worker Danielle and I. She ran the liveblog and he and I worked Twitter. So fun!


    there was free booze everywhere but i resisted until the night was over

    Tilda Swinton, CBI, and Edward Norton

    i didnt wanna get too tipsy and say omg Tilda omg Edward, loved you in Birdman


    super inspiring night because it taught me that there is a bigger gear we could be motoring in

    and there’s a lot of cool people working in that world.


    im very lucky to work with and around people who know what the hell they’re doing.


    it’s also nice to have so many beverage options when it’s time to call it a night


    for a full rundown of what went down last night, check out the summary by my coworker nate over on Oscars.org

  8. Saturday, November 8, 2014

    working six days a week has its benefits: riches, bitches, grillz 

    tiredbut somewhere along the way you get tired. especially once you realize that money is a phony game of pretend

    and even the good book said beware beware beware.

    its easier for a camel to get through the eye of the needle than for a rich man to get into the gates of heaven is one of our best clues from Jesus himself that the almighty dollar isn’t what the almighty is about.

    even though that metaphor, like Hole, is pretty on the inside, what they were talking about was this narrow mountain pass in Israel a long long time ago.

    if you and your camel were traveling light, you could make it through the pass no probs

    but if you were an old school hoarder and you had gold in a sack over here and silver in a sack over there and all of it hanging off your camel, it would have a mighty rough time squeezing through the treacherous narrow paths, and especially the tiny passageway known back then as

    The Eye of the Needle

    the good book is trying to tell us that frankincense, myrrh, rolexes, beamers, and all of our Stuff is not only not necessary in Paradise

    but it’s more of a burden to us here on Earth than we think.

    when Jesus asks whose face he sees on a coin, the dude says oh thats Julius Caesar.

    to which Jesus tosses the coin to the bro and says “give to Caesar what’s Caesar’s”

    as if to say, LOL kid stuff.

    what Jesus is about is what we should all be about: soul.

    soul has no price. a rich man can’t buy it at Kitson’s and take it home and show all of his rich asshole friends.

    soul comes from something priceless and is nurtured with each step we take, each decision we make, each action, every word, and if you’re playing the advanced portion of the game: every single thought.

    fakers laughed at Jimmy Carter when he admitted to Playboy that he sins with his heart, but the xpresident is more than just a bible reader, he’s an expert on soul.

    and love.

    and peace.

    and doing unto his neighbor the way he’d a wanted his neighbor to do unto his ass.

    so it’s ok to work hard, and long, and for a good purpose, just remember that any asswipe can collect cash.

    the real trick is ignoring the sparkly flashy distractions that weigh us down from getting out of the desert.

  9. Friday, November 7, 2014

    was in the Vons parking lot at 8pm across from the Vista 


    i craned my neck to see if dumbass Gone Girl was still playing there and i saw it was Intersteller

    i was all, say whaaaa? for it was Thursday and I didn’t think it was coming out till Friday.

    still in my car i checked the listings in Fandango and sure enough it was playing the Vista and in 45 mins it was gonna screen.

    also it warned me that the running time was an epic 2 hours and 45 minutes.

    so i went into the store and bought four huge deals of kitty litter, some banannas, a couple of avocados

    and one of those sushi meals in a plastic box.

    while waiting in the checkout line i also grabbed three 20 ounce bottle of Coke.

    got home, pet the cats, made sure they had food and water. changed into a Tsar tshirt and sweat pants

    and walked to the movies.

    all of that was far more exciting, believable, and interesting than the movie.

    Christopher Nolan may be a genius and there were elements of this film that were creative

    and i will give him points for being so G-D ambitious in a time where everyone plays it safe safe safe.

    but it was a ghost story wrapped in space epic constantly being haunted by those who did it much better

    namely mr stanley kubrick and his 1968 masterpiece 2001.

    in fact the best thing i can think to say about interstellar is it reminds us all how superbly fantastic 2001 was.

    and still is.

    because if 46 years later, one of the absolute top directors in the world

    can’t even shine your shoes

    then you have made something beautiful that deserves all the praise forever and ever amen.

    and nolan needs to get a few friends who will say, no, bro, this aint happening.