nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, June 12, 2017

    she said, if i could be in any man’s body, itd be yours 

    later we passed by this closed down pot shop

    seemed a little nothing in here is true:

    clean, nice, decent selection.

    everyone was female,

    even the gun totin security lady.

    there was a mexican woman there,

    a bud tender,

    she told me about how much she liked country music.

    also rock, si, but country music.

    i wanted to get back there one day and give her a cd of lone justice songs but just like that you’ll never see that person again.

    which is why xbi agents usually wear something distinctive

    just in case you need us.

  2. Friday, June 9, 2017

    what if im a horrible person 

    would i even know?

    do terrible people even care after a while?

    i dont think so which is troubling because i sure as hell dont care.

    but i dont want to be a nuisance or a bummer.

    i dont go out any more and i dont stay in.

    either i ESP with people or i use braille.

    ive turned into an extremely aggressive driver.

    but i do use my signals.

    i wrote someone an invitation to the greatest offer in the world the other day

    and i know she read it because it says so

    but she did not reply.

    which tells me,

    maybe im a terrible person

    which makes her think no way could this be what it appears to be

    even though its an invitation to something

    so great. so cool. so what is needed right now.

    but if the wrong messenger sends it

    it gets forgotten.

    what would a not terrible person do or say in this situation?

    probably nothing.

    the terribles are always so loud.

  3. Wednesday, June 7, 2017

    im just like you, i want what you want 

    i want a low rider that will do the most amazing things

    i also want a monster truck.

    i wanna date whoever i wanna date.

    i wanna eat whatever i eat at whereever.

    i wanna tell the truth the whole truth

    sweetened by the most ridiculous lies.

    like you i wanna fly a plane one day

    from sea to shining sea.

    and for some of it i wanna turn on the auto pilot

    and be all whooooooooooooah

    and just like you i want the president to go down tomorrow.

    because we need to live in a place together where

    when you do fucked up shit

    you pay.

    the next presidents shouldnt waltz in thinking

    they can just do whatevs.

    fuck them and their whatevs.

    dick around in your own companies and lives and dramas

    but when youre the leader of the world,

    you need to have it together.

    there are low riders that can do amazing things.

    we’re just asking for

    one person

    to not be corrupt and terrible.

  4. dear electoral college, 

    i hope you know your days are numbered

    in the last little while we have seen electric cars appear

    we have seen marijuana become legalized

    the Internet has made its way to be part of our every day life

    we have seen the death of video stores

    we’ve even had the first black president.

    but you’re still around.

    the problem with you is when someone loses the popular vote but becomes president, women like this one sorta have a point when they tell the world “most of us voted against this idiot”

    thats not something that any one wants. and it must totally suck to run a country that you know didn’t vote for you. you’re already starting behind the 8-ball and thats a tough place to begin with such an important job as Leader of the Free World. and it might be a reason why Trump is so fascinatingly defensive about every little thing.

    anyways youre gonna die soon, electoral college, and thats good

    not everything should live forever.

    especially if it’s flawed to begin with.

    counting the days…

  5. Tuesday, June 6, 2017

    ive been to the harvard and yale of the everything 

    four years here, four years there

    taught by the greatest teachers

    studied from the best of all books.

    sometimes you can hear a lecture and it sticks to you

    you can see a picture and its there forever

    you can kiss a girl or drink with her

    or simply hold her hand and all the truth of the universe will radiate inside you

    vibrate your innards

    and reveal all you can handle.

    almost everything i know i have been shown.

    sometimes through visions sometimes through wrongs.

    almost always while i was being silent

    almost always unexpected.

    theres so much good in people because they have gone through some of the same dark and wild woods and met the same dark and wild souls and held the hands of the angels and were spooked by the fear and tempted by the demons

    and tested by the testers

    and judged by the shadows

    and lifted by the winds.

    i have seen and done things that even a grown man would call remarkable

    yet i still feel like im a teen

    who cant believe no one is calling bs on this fake id

    so lucky theyre letting it slide

    so happy to be invited

    but why

  6. Monday, June 5, 2017

    took amber to the elvis costello show last night at the greek 

    they’ve got the best uber and lyft pick up spot in LA

    it’s right where it should be, and there’s a back road that will get you in and out of it.

    i wanna kiss and hug whoever put it there but im afraid to even talk about it too much

    because i know once they realize what a good thing they have,

    someone will take it away.

    we ate at the best fish taco in ensenada which  the girls at my work dont like

    but i love.

    in fact after we got out shrimp and fish tacos and sat outside

    i had to run back in for some napkins.

    and i saw the owner. and i said, “delicious as always.”

    and he said, “thanks for saying that”

    and he meant it.

    got a lyft and told the dude how to roll up the hill and we did

    and got there like in no time.

    the greek is such the perfect size it’s crazy.

    one thing i wasn’t thrilled about was they no longer sell Pink’s hotdogs there.

    so i bought a $14 beer and out of protest did not return for a nightcap.

    then right before Alison started, i ordered a Lyft

    and we met him in the lot and before you could say


    we were deep in los feliz.

  7. when youre as old as i am, very few things will impress you 

    also all of my friends are amazing and have accomplished great things

    either they were in bands, or are in bands

    or theyve created adorable little humanoids who will cure all our ills

    or they have big smokin fancy jobs

    or they are super talented in amazing ways

    or they have hearts of literal gold, which is not as easy as it looks.

    so when i go through my day and i learn about things i usually say meh

    the simpsons did it first.

    when i was at the Times i used to have lunch with Sarah A and sometimes also Ali M in Metromix

    and sometimes Ali would say blah blah blah Katie

    and i would say Katie who?

    and ali would say omg she has the most beautiful hair and shes a great writer, surely you saw her in our office?

    and i would said that office is filled with beautiful haired writers

    which was an understatement.

    well now Katie has done something that will make me remember her forever

    tonight she is appearing on the world famous




    and i hope she wins a fortune.

    and i also hope i can watch it somehow now that ive cut the cord.

  8. Saturday, June 3, 2017

    Bill Maher isn’t the only House Nigga 

    When you think about what the term House Nigga is —

    the House Nigger (if we are to OMG keep it real) was the one who didn’t have to work in the fields because he or she tended to the owners of the plantation, kissed their ass, and pretended everything was a-ok.

    Shit wasn’t a-ok. The House Nigger’s brothers and sisters (often literally) were being abused, raped, treated as animals and objects, and had to watch as their children were raped and used and sold and abused.

    But the House Nigger would fan the Massa and make lemonade and soul food and play the piano and violin and encourage and enable the slave owner to continue its tyranny… all so the House Nigger could avoid the hard work of the fields and enjoy the House food and House comfort.

    So I ask you, is everything a-ok today in your world?

    And if it is not, what are you doing to let Massa know it’s not A-OK?

    The worst answer is: Nothing, I’m smiling and encouraging him as if this is the sunniest day of the year

    Even though it’s raining cats

    and dogs.

    So if we are to get all pissed off about the use of a single word by a white comedian

    Perhaps we should consider the entire phrase, which is worse

    and tragically so when we consider

    that some of us

    may be the embodiment of it.

  9. Friday, June 2, 2017

    what if ive totally lossed my mojo 

    the pings just arent coming out there in the luxury ride sharing world of your pal tone

    today is summer friday so they let us out early but i had to stay an hour late because im dumb

    when i finally got on the road things became so bad after a while that i flipped it over to

    regular Lyft and got pinged for all these tiny short trips that because they were in UCLA

    turned into long ass rides because driving through campus in the day takes forever.

    one ride was 1 mile and took 18 minutes.

    then i got these norwegians going to the westside pavilion.

    i was all, hey didnt you guys have a holiday recently?

    they were like, nooooo. i was all, sure you did!

    then the hot blonde goes ohhhh the 17th of may? i said yes!

    they go oh yeah we went to a festival that day.

    how do you forget that?

    then i took this dude from the grove to the beverly hilton.

    i was all what do you do? hes like stem cells.

    i said damn dude, well thanks for saving the world.

    then he goes, but i also sell guns.

    swear. to. god.

  10. Thursday, June 1, 2017

    who amongst us doesnt feel like a total space alien sometimes 

    i was trying to think about when i was 15.

    i was so awkward. weirdest hair in school. shit always got in it.

    as a Cub fan id walk down the hallways and people would say Cubs suck left and right.

    but fuck them.

    in all my classes id get Cs.

    except gym and music

    and art.

    they gave us standardized tests when i was 13 and they said i was gifted

    and put me in some gifted classes instead of homeroom

    but i still got Cs in the classes.

    i knew i was the only black kid in school and i was gonna have problems with girls.

    and i did have problems with girls.

    but i also had a little luck.


    if i was outside after dark

    laying in the grass on a summers night in illinois

    id look up at the stars and say

    any time you wanna pick up yr boy

    here i am.

    but heres the good news.

    aint nobody picking any one up.

    aint noone going nowhere.

    we are here.


    working this thing here out

    with one another.

    it’s a puzzle so big that no one can do it alone.

    not even God.

    even He was all, maybe if i made a whole bunch of little scientists

    in my image

    maybe they can all work together

    and do the things and sing the songs and bang the gangs

    and in the end everything will be better.

    better, not because the tall ones or the pretty ones or the rich ones or the ones with perfect hair had the answer

    but because everyone added their weird little perspective

    or weird big secret

    or not weird and not little flavor

    maybe thats why so many of us are here and why so many of us are twisted in unique

    freaky ways

    she said

    and tossed me out of the space ship and into the grass

    then flew away.


    which even today

    i call bullshit on.