nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, April 17, 2017

    some people you click with, some take time 

    some of them it only works in the sack

    some of them only works at work

    some of them on virtually



    but the ones i find the most interesting are the ones where you both sorta hate each other

    and yet you end up together for years.

    uber does this thing where they lie to you. they lie at you, specifically. frankly, and it happens so often that you dont even know when theyre telling the truth, to the point that sometimes you end up with someone telling you the straight up truth and it seems so weird that you dont believe it. literally you dont believe it.

    the other day someone wrote me after i wrote them and they basically said, oh no, we are INTENDING to rip you drivers off.

    because it was clearly from someone who understood the situation perfectly and because none of the lines were preprogrammed cookie cutter like 99% of the correspondences i get from them, my reaction was “oh”

    instead of WTF

    but now we have to go back to the pretend game that they didnt say what they did, which is sad, because if there was an actual person on the end of my monthly emails to them, theyd probably stop.

    they are one of those companies that you say to yourself, if they last thru 2020 i’ll be shocked

  2. Sunday, April 16, 2017
  3. Saturday, April 15, 2017

    one of these days the luck will run out 

    the pretty girls will stop coming over

    and doing pretty girl things.

    the hits will dry up.

    all my hair will fall out.

    and i’ll stop learning.

    but last night one thing led to another and i was able to rid my bedroom of cats for just long enough, to do what i have been studying all these many years.

    and when it was over, i gave her a pillow shaped as a poo emoji and i sat on my couch and said, great, now what?

    it was then i decided to move my car from a block away to in front of my house.

    and then i realized i was hungry. and then i realized it was friday night and all the other ubers were probs in coachella, maybe i should fill the void and ubes around LA with a funny little smile on my face.

    and so i did. i didnt really need to get a weekend bonus. it was so small, why bother, but then i figured, it’s there, if i can get it in 3 hours then perfect. otherwise who cares.

    so i drove and i was very close to getting it. i was two rides away. but i was getting sleepy.

    the passenger had purple hair. she told me about where we were headed, Koreatown. she had moved here from Ohio with her black boyfriend. important because in ohio she said they were discriminated against.

    here they were treated just as badly as anyone else in her apartment and she loved that but did not love: the cockroaches, the fact that she never gets hot water in the shower, or the fact that an upstairs neighbor dumped urine out the window and the building manager did nothing.

    dropped her off and i only had one more to go. K Town was about 15 minutes from my house. Let’s hope for a short one. When it came it was something on Wilshire. I was tempted to do the Bad Driver trick of accepting the ride and starting it before the passenger got into the car to check to see where the destination was — and then cancelling if it was too far — but i’m a good boy and good things always seem to come to me when i am good, so i found the woman, who seemed to be stumbling in the streets and allowed her into my car.

    come to find out she was headed to Pacific Palisades: a good half hour to the west. It would be an hour roundtrip, all for $18. but i did it. why not. i love the beach. i love LA. she didnt barf. she fell asleep a half dozen times. we didnt talk. i played 80s music. the roads were empty. it was 1am. Sunset all the way home. no one was out.

    note to self: if anyone wants to vacation in LA, find a weekend when Easter, Passover and Coachella are all going down, not only is there little traffic, but i bet every hotel has a vacant room or two.

  4. Friday, April 14, 2017

    my problem is i want to do everything 

    for example kirsten dunst is one of my favorite actresses and sofia coppola is one of my favorite directors and i love marie antoinette

    but last night for some reason i was fact checking it and trying to determine if she really did say “let them eat cake” or not and the more i learned about the Last Queen of France the more i realized coppola’s movie didn’t really tell us the whole thing.

    for starters, marie was 14 when she got hitched to the Heir Apparent of France


    you can’t cast 30something kirsten dunst in a movie about a 14 year old.

    also, in the coppola movie we are led to believe that her 15 yr old hubby is gay or something and thats why he doesnt wanna have sex with her.

    but according to the internet, he had some weird disease that prevented him from getting erect. so he probably shied away from activity where he would have to reveal his mighty sword.

    legend has it that her mom summoned her older brother to move to France to coach the young pair about the ways of being in a loving relationship and voila a year later marie was knocked up. everyone praises her brother for setting the two straight. but in truth it was a medicinal cure that allowed the future king to become the man everyone hoped he would be.

    but that medicine also made him very sleepy at night, which is when marie would sneak off and party into dawn – or noon depending on how good the soiree was.

    am i crazy to think that these are facts that would make for a better film? and what about her trial, the one that led her to get her head cut off. the trial where she was falsely accused of having incest? shouldn’t that have been a huge part of the movie? do i have to do everything? do i have to find a 14 year old actress (or a young looking 16 year old) to play the role?

    then what am i supposed to do about the bible? can i really turn it all into Black Mirror episodes? i havent read any of the books about screenwriting yet. how am i supposed to be a screenwriter unless i learn?

    all im gonna be is an uber driver, lets face it. it’s the one thing im actually good at.

    and theres no shame in that, not everyones good at even that. my coworker said her driver dozed off for a brief second at a stop light.

    id never do that. nor have i. its why God created classic Coke.

    but what if i doze off before i fix cinema?

    then what?

  5. Thursday, April 13, 2017

    Lou Brock has bone cancer 

    in the early 70s the Cubs made one of the worst trades in all of baseball history.

    they unloaded the swift footed outfielder Lou Brock for a donkey and three magic beans.

    the donkey ended up hitting about .250 but the magic beans never became of anything

    meanwhile Brock broke all of the major league records in stolen bases and eventually turned into a hall of famer.

    but to me his greatest achievement was when he invented the Brockabrella, the quirky hat that doubled as an umbrella.

    today it was revealed that he has cancer in his bones, reminding us, once again, that life can be cruel and unusual.

    while we have world leaders who gas their own people and others who coerce with our enemies to steal elections, some of the best people in the world suffer for no apparent reason at the time of their lives when they should enjoy the riches that they’ve given the world.

    so tonight when you’re putting on your Brockabrella for your evening stroll, look up at the stars and ask the Lord to have mercy on speedy number twenty.

    the only cardinal who was ever worth a damn.

  6. Tuesday, April 11, 2017

    theyre gonna try to put you in a box 

    ty cobb, the second greatest hitter of all time, used what is called the split hands grip

    because his hands didnt touch each other

    none of the 2,000 current pro baseball players can swing that way today.

    babe ruth, the greatest hitter of all time,

    used a bat thats so heavy that no major league player today

    steroids and all

    can believe that a human could swing it.

    if they had their way ty and babe would be normal

    instead of great.

    when i was a little little kid i would do science experiments with my bicycle.

    i would start on top of a slope and coast down the perfectly asphalted suburban street

    and not pedal

    and see how far i went.

    then id do it again and see if i could beat it.

    what was i testing?

    my magical powers, of course.

    the only person who can put you in a box is Jesus and trust me, you’ll end up there.

    until then, swing your way

    and prepare for miracles.

  7. Monday, April 10, 2017

    anna knows im a sucker for pictures 

    woke up hurling this morn

    she had left me a few texts

    i texted i cant right now

    she kept pushing me but it was embarrassing

    what man vomits from allergies?

    was it the meds i took?

    the flonase?

    the benadryl?

    why was i feeling so miserable?

    made a bagel, cleaned the toilet

    last night i had cleaned the tub

    everything has seemed gross to me.

    drank some oj, turned on the tv and then i was back at the toilet letting loose. was this the work of the xbi?

    crazy thing happened last week. i was at a mcdonalds taking a leak and when i came out this black dude went into this whole story about how he was stranded. his family was in a car on the side of the road and he was looking for some money to call a tow truck blah di blah blah. who knows the truth these days.

    i pretty much always will give someone a buck because the bible says we should.

    so i give him a buck and he says aw thanks man. and he tries to shake my hand.

    i usually have hand sanitizer in my car, but i was out and i had just washed my hands seconds ago, no way was i gonna shake this dudes hand and have dude germs all over as i drove around the world

    so i go, no thanks im good.

    and i felt a little bad because im generally a nice guy, but come on, i already gave you a buck.

    and murphys law, i get sick a few days later anyways.

    as anna says, just shows to go ya, its always something.

  8. Sunday, April 9, 2017

    been sick all weekend 

    didnt do shit yesterday, did less today

    been coughing sneezing barfing.

    needed an emotional rescue.

    from somewhere beyond a pretty girl offered to be my roommate

    “just friends” for the next six months.

    i said, no thank you.

    she said, i’ll clean your house and pay you 1/3 of your rent.

    i said did that last year with jeanine and it turned into a year

    and it was very uncomfortable for both parties involved.

    while she was texting me that, the prettiest girl ive ever swiped on bumble

    swiped me back

    and we had a nice little conversation about astrology

    and i thought to myself, if Putin was intercepting my phone messages

    he’d think im the biggest stud in the universe.

    but alas

    just a dude in a robe and a toque

    with wads of tp in his nostrils to stop the bleeding

    from blowing his nose too much.

    waiting for his thai food to arrive.

  9. Saturday, April 8, 2017

    pride is a deadly sin 

    and i am the worlds biggest sinner about certain things.


    for example: im probably the greatest uber driver ever.

    and there are a lot of uber drivers.

    you dont need a tray of candy, condoms and mints.

    you dont need a lot of bottles of water.

    you need to be a good driver, and love people.

    if you know a little too much about the surroundings, thats a bonus.

    if you are genuinely curious about the world and the people who live there, even better.

    and i will say, it helps to have been around the block a few times.

    after a strange day at work it was really nice to drive the kids of usc

    around their weird campus in south central.

    one beautiful asian girl, after i asked her if she lives with her boyfriend said,

    “no because sometimes i like to get naked, put self tanner on, and stand with my arms out, eating grapes as i watch youtube videos. i dont need some man making fun.”

    got hit by this allergy attack yesterday probs due to the super bloom.

    on any other day i woulda called in sick but i had to go to this meeting which determines the whole next week.  runny nose, sneezing, general ickiness. the benedryl makes me feel sick.

    so driving around usc i had run out of kleenex and i got a ping from a young lady at the Taco Bell down from the 9-0.

    so i texted back “be right there, can you pick me up some napkins?”

    got there, she had the napkins, and i drove her and her friends to this cool taco joint + bar.

    we took a selfie by the curb

    got 15 rides in 3 hours for my $45 bonus.

    one dude said, do you know you look just like tom morello.

    and while going home i got a regular uber x ping. i said fine, why not.

    turned out to be two of the most beautiful young nurses you ever saw

    right outside of the natural history museum

    i was all, omg i guess its first friday, which it was and it had just let out.

    the ladies, one of them scandalously exposing her midriff, giggled, buzzed

    no clue who had just performed

    told me some wonderful stories about working at childrens hospital

    we drove to where the johnny rockets used to be on melrose

    somehow i only made $8 on the 8-mile ride

    but they were such a delight.

    let me tell you.

    i asked them about what college they went to.

    they said they met at this christian college in san berdue

    i said shut your mouth, the only thing i love more than the cubs is talking about the bible!

    whats your favorite story

    and the one told me about the story of Esther

    and she told it so well and so colorfully that we all clapped when she was done.

    it’s 2:20am. if i had an electric car i would still be out there.

  10. Thursday, April 6, 2017

    some dude tried to diss me because i blog 

    i wanted to say caucasian, please.

    theres something about me that should probably change. i get into internet fights alllll the time.

    i cant help it. people say stupid fucking shit and i  am overwhelmed with the desire to let them know that the universe (of which I am a part) heard them and disagree!

    but thats when disappointment kicks in. rarely is there an interesting back and forth. it’s always some nonsense that has nothing to do with the original point. it’s always omg youre a liberal or youre living in california or youre

    omg a blogger?!?!!

    i want to say, no i am the manager of the chicago cubs. i live in a mansion in maui surrounded by orphans and topless hula nurses. im only in california because the cubs have a perfectly good manager. and im trying to find a girl who loves me for me and not my tropical paradise


    theres this great story about these kids at a high school who work at at the school newspaper, who got a new principal. so they decided to write a little feature about her, and while they were researching her past they discovered that she had totally lied about her education. one thing led to another and the principal immediately resigned.

    how many times have i stressed the importance of teaching kids journalism and how necessary school papers are in college and high school? millions.

    not just because the kids will often get to the bottom of things, but because through journalism you learn how to write and argue like an adult.