nothing in here is true

  1. Sunday, February 4, 2018

    my man greg sent me this old Lick flier 

    ive always had good friends

    ive always had fast cars

    ive always had a secret weapon

    and ive always read the bible.

    heres a trick if someone is bothering you or stalking you or acting crazy.

    the crazier the better.

    just like how a bullfighter fights a bull

    if the bull is super feisty and wild and bucking around and is all omg i cant wait to kill you, paulie

    you just wave that red curtain at him

    and watch him run for it.

    if someone, even a stranger, even a demonicly infused wildman on the subway

    is taking up your personal space and saying the worst things with stanky breath and evil intent, heres what you can do and i do it every now and then and im telling you it works.

    it works better if you have a pen, like a pocket sized Sharpie is ideal, theyre also good for signing 8×10 glossies when fans run at you at the airport,

    but this will repel salesmen and gang members, suit wearing men and women asking if youd like to take a personality test, or some drunken slob at the bar who’s cornered you next to the jukebox

    just reach in your pocket, pull out your pen

    and if you want, write it on the palm of your hand, but i prefer a cocktail napkin

    or a free postcard

    or a business card of a stranger

    but the hand isn’t bad

    just write

    john 3:16

    and look them in the eye and smile.

    and the bull will rush

    and the crazy will flee

    and the loud will silence

    and you will go free.

  2. Friday, February 2, 2018

    theres two techniques to getting a fare on lyft 

    you can either drive around to your favorite spots

    or you can just go to your most favorite spot and wait.

    usually im too hyper to wait so i just drive and drive and drive. who knows if you are actually driving to the hot spot or if you are leaving where something good was about to happen

    but one thing for sure when you do that: you burn gas

    another thing for sure when you do that: you increase your chances for getting into a crash.

    so over the last few days ive been waiting.

    i just sit there and read twitter or the news or text amber or think about taking a nap.

    last night i was at my favorite spot and i got a ping on Lyft Premiere. bonus: it alerted me that it would be a “long ride” that would take 45 minutes or more.

    typically on a thursday that means it is a trip to LAX, but last night i got lucky and we went to West Hills.

    great guy, undercover hacker, told me all his secrets.

    admitted that americans arent as good as russian or chinese hackers because we are lazy or can become lazy far quicker than our enemies because we get fat and middle class to quickly.

    i said the key to success is the hustle.

    he was all, you got that right comrade.

    we took the 405 to the 101 in rush hour and he noted that i am ridiculously cool under the pressure of traffic.

    what traffic i said as miles’ birth of cool eased out of the speakers.

    he was like, is this miles? i said yep.

    he said, with trane? i said, nope.

    he said, oh with bird?

    i said this was right inbetween that period. after parker, before coletrane. he said where did you learn that? i said every sunday i turn on jazz and read the bible for an hour.

    he said how long have you been doing that for? i said since college.

    he said, how long ago was that.

    i said well, lets put it this way, i had a 300 baud modem at the time.

    and we laughed as we drove through the western valley with its wide boulevards and shirtless denizens

    on an unusually warm last night of january.

    $69 fare + $5 tip.

  3. Thursday, February 1, 2018

    you’ll never feel at home in LA unless you keep moving 

    LA is huge.

    imagine the biggest place you’ve ever been in and quadruple it.

    that will just be the Valley, which you need to know if you are really to get LA.

    then quadruple it again and you’ve got South Central,

    which is where the secret soul of LA is. the actual heartbeat.

    the fakers fly right over south central via overpasses or freeways , but if you live here long enough

    and if you start meeting the right people you will go to a house party off Crenshaw

    you will get your haircut on Florence,

    you might even find yourself at a sample sale near Carson.

    LA goes all the way to Long Beach and inside the weirdest dead ends of downtown.

    everyone hikes Runyon, but if i was the failing New York Times and their laughing stock of an LA bureau here’s what i would do:

    there is a stretch of LA from Santa Monica to DTLA thats as wide as Pico to the south to Sunset to the north.

    i would refuse to run any stories from that stretch an zero from downtown.

    i’d also ignore anything happening in the upper crust of Malibu, Manhattan and Redondo Beaches.

    why? because unless we are talking about crime, 90% of so-called news and features by the mainstream press happen in that narrow band.

    the Pulitzer Prize winning Jonathan Gold is beloved in LA because he uses the entire canvas, not just the same beaten path

    he ventures, he explores, he speaks Spanish, he talks to people of all skin colors and religious beliefs.

    LA is the home of more religions than any other city in the world.

    it is the 2nd largest Spanish speaking city on the planet.

    if all of your sources and all of your stories are about white folk, if all of your touchstones and goals and ideals are based in Caucasian ideals of the 1960s

    then you aren’t really telling the story of LA of today.

    i once dated a girl from canada who was blown away that so many billboards and handmade fliers were in Spanish

    and how many brown skinned people there were on the streets

    and Asians

    and Jews.

    she said, this isn’t what it looked like in “Clueless”.

    if you truly want to cover this city, and most of all, if you really want to love this city, you have to move out of West Hollywood

    you have to break up with your boyfriend,

    you have to stop taking taxis

    and most of all you should start driving for Lyft.

    then you will start to see the real story that is this beautiful city of angels.

  4. Monday, January 29, 2018

    because sometimes you meet people and they are even better 

    they say dont meet your idols

    i sat backstage with my favorite band the replacements when i was in college

    i got to meet elvis costello that one time in frisco

    and then of course now i work in the land of stars

    and there are these screenings where they talk afterwards

    at the times i had kareem abdul jabbar as one of our bloggers.

    the thing about your heroes or my heroes or stars or people you look up to is

    they might have a bad day the day you meet them

    or they might be in the best mood in the world and have always wanted to meet you.

    its a roll of the dice and if things dont mesh for that instant

    that doesnt mean that theyre terrible people.

    i took a job in frisco, working for the giants selling peanuts and beer

    for the sole reason to discover if Barry Bonds was an asshole or not.

    in many ways i am a scientist.

    and the message i have for you is this

    meet everyone.

  5. Friday, January 26, 2018

    dear tony, how would you market a microphone? 

    Hi Tony, 

    I appreciate your patience with me, but I really think you’d be a great podcaster. You seem to know everyone in LA, and our company would sponsor your show if you mentioned our microphones (which we would provide, gratis). 

    But since you repeatedly decline, can you help brainstorm with us? We are having difficulty branding our mics – and it’s a very competitive market that we are in.



    whaddup, Mike,

    podcasting is fine, but i’m not sure it’s for me. when i was at KPCC, i saw how difficult audio editing is, and to, me, great podcasting involves great editing – but it also requires fantastic content. i think you are thinking too inside-the-box by focusing on podcasters. think bigger. think Chappelle.

    there are two places where lots of people see people rock the mic: musicians and comedians. bands have all these layers you have to deal with: the label, management, all of their existing sponsors, and who knows what else.

    but comedians — there may be an opening there. and for sure there’s no branding between them and their sole tool: the mic.

    here’s what i recommend. make a mic with a solid blue line that wraps around the shaft right under the meshy part (sorry I don’t know the terms). make another one with a red line.

    send the sketches of the blue mic to Comedy Central and the red one to Netflix. tell them the truth, that when people see a guy like Chappelle on youtube, there’s no way to know if he is doing something from a CC special or a Netflix special unless they’re super fans.

    BUT if people start seeing that blue line on a mic after a while they might start connecting the dots that “oh, that means Comedy Central”. likewise the red one would mean Netflix.

    then you put out ads that say something like, “there’s a fine line between clever and stupid” under all these pics of comedians holding your blue or red mics (depending on which company understands that you are ALSO helping them brand their network).

    yours in rock,


  6. Wednesday, January 24, 2018

    tough day yesterday but it went smooth 

    the academy is a fun place to work, mostly because of all the smart people. everyones an expert at something so it’s nice to learn from each other and then share all of that on big days like, yesterday, Oscar Noms announcement day.

    the toughest part for me is waking up at 3am to be at work by 4am.

    it’s tough because even if you can somehow get to bed by 10pm you dont fall asleep till midnight, especially if there are other things on your mind.

    amber was a sweetheart and went to bed early with me and hearing her snooze in my ear has a soothing way of putting me to sleep but that was not the case. i was up till midnight, as usual, no matter what i tried to do.

    the best advice i got was to drink a lot of water, that way your body would naturally wake you up at 3 to take a leak.

    whatevers, i got some sleep, woke up, and headed to the office.

    Sunset was a dream. not a car anywhere except on Vine where one had just gotten hit-and-run. the victim car was stuck in the road and if it had been any other day i woulda helped but i had to keep on rolling because my job was to do the Instagram Live video and the two set ups for the Insta Story.

    the first was with the accomplished and charming Andy Serkis who has played an Ape, Snoke, Gollum, and King Kong. turns out at 4:20am he is professional and lovely and ready to improv with a sleepy head with a smart phone.

    “just say, ‘hi this is Andy and welcome to the Oscar Noms'” i told him. and in one take we had it.

    one take tony you can call me.

    next up was America’s Sweetheart Tiffany Haddish who pretty much stole the show with her humorous mispronunciations of some of the noms’ names and hilarious quips. when i gave her what i was looking for she embellished it and gave us a little dance.

    the morning went fast as early mornings usually do. and around 11am they let us go home to work from there.

    and soon i was properly napping, wishing there was a daytime entertainment news program praising the academy for their diverse and worthy choices.

  7. Tuesday, January 23, 2018

    all you can do is your best 

    when i played baseball there was an instruction that was also

    an overall philosophy

    “hit the ball hard and everything will fall in place”

    so when you play you play at 100%

    and sometimes the ball will make a funny bounce on a fielder and good things will happen.

    sometimes the ball will go right in the other dudes glove and theres nothing you can do.

    but as long as your energy is high, you hustle, and you prepare for the day

    odds are you will play well

    and when you play well you win.

    i played hard yesterday, and life is a three-dimensional scoreboard, so sometimes when it looks like you lost

    you actually didn’t lose at all.

    so chill.

    not everything is going to get a standing ovation, elvis.

  8. Sunday, January 21, 2018

    i think i have a good idea 

    funny cat is funnyi think i have, actually, many good ideas

    amber is napping, charles mingus is on the bluetooth

    one cat is sleeping on the floor, the other is on the bookshelf gnawing on the corner of it

    i want to get this idea in the right hands

    but tomorrow i have to get to sleep early because tuesday i have to be at work at 4am.

    because of the oscar nominations.

    which should be exciting, and we get to leave early when it’s over, after we do a few things, nothing too strenuous.

    and then we can get back to sleep.

    today i watched football and half of this hank williams movie.

    last night we watched the Tonya Harding movie and amber cried because shes sensitive to violence.

    which makes me feel like i have the blackest heart because i wasnt effected at all

    except for near the end, margot robbie, as tonya was delivering this great monologue and

    man it hit me.

    because she was right, i had my opinion of her, based on a hand full of reports

    this was all pre internet

    but even today how often do we judge people without fully researching the sitch

    the cat is now done with the bookshelf and sitting as close to ambers feet as possible

    mingus keeps swinging

    and i keep a-thinking…

  9. Friday, January 19, 2018

    do you know i love you, i do 

    i have been blogging since the begining of time.

    i was handed a macbook pro, and some blazing fast internet

    the Creator said, do your thing my dude

    and right away i was documenting the comings and goings of hollywood, isla vista, and all points in between.

    with a twist.

    in the last 16 years alone i have authored over 11,000 posts and made friends from all around the world due to this humble URL.

    weirdly i tell anyone who will listen that nothing in here is true, and yet they still believe it all and root me on.

    no one more heartily than my dear mother and closest friends.

    i am so blessed i cant even believe it sometimes. it’s disgusting. im sick to my stomach now. hold up. brb.

    the trick to success, as i have seen it, is to utilize the fact that we have two eyes two ears and just one mouth.

    aka listen and learn before type type typing.

    trust me when i tell you this is hard for me. because i have 10 fingers AND 10 toes.

    and believe me when i tell you that there is plenty to see and hear and learn from here in LA,

    so this blog has been a constant battle of waiting and writing.

    for the first 12 years i didnt do much waiting and learning and seeing.

    lately i have been doing a lot of soaking in.

    especially the uber stuff

    which initially was just a way to learn and watch and listen

    but now has turned into something weirder and more loving

    and something that i think about every day

    in a good way.

    which is to say this. if you follow me on instagram, you will know that i have been watching a movie every day. and then writing a sentence or two about it.

    when i am in the theatres the weirdest thing happens: i think about work. never uber, but my real job.

    even last night, during Paddington 2, something that had nothing to do with the innerworkings of my gig, there i was trying to figure out how to be better at it as that cute little bear worked out ways to handle Hugh Grant.

    i dont know why its easier to blog about uber, but it is. and this blog could be 100% that.

    i also dont know why i never think about uber on my down time.

    but i dont.

    maybe it’s because i already know im the best in the world at it.

    no question.

    no offense.

  10. Wednesday, January 17, 2018

    my man ryan was cruising around when he saw the most spectacular crash 

    he was waiting for his Lyft with his beautiful girlfriend when they heard this car just gunning it down the street

    he saw the headlights and the car didn’t slow down at all as it approached the median

    it hit the curb





    flying over the entire street

    and landing in the second story of the building they were standing near.

    ‘tony i thought i was gonna die!’

    die? why?

    ‘dude every car crash i ever see in tv, the car explodes after a beat. so i grabbed my girl and we booked it about a block away.’

    when the fire dept came and didnt spray the car they walked back to the scene and there was the dude climbing out o the car and hanging by the door.

    “GET BACK INSIDE” my man ryan yelled.

    “FIVE-OH” the kids screamed, alerting the drunk driver that the authorities were arriving.

    dude got out, hung for a minute on his car’s side window, dangled, then finally allowed himself to fall into the flower patch.

    then he ran.

    ryan told me he thought about running after him but his girlfriend said, “no baby. don’t leave me here.”

    so ryan pulled out his Chinese star from his front pocket,

    calculated the wind,

    and right before he let it fly, the police tackled the dude.

    “RYAN!” his girlfriend said, “i thought we had agreed you weren’t going to carry that around any more.”

    he blushed.

    oh yeah. he said, smiling.