nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, April 11, 2014
  2. Thursday, April 10, 2014
  3. sometimes you write into the void and nothing 

    kidand at first youre all wtf and then one day you write and write and

    you get the sweetest cutest response back.

    im sure thats what the aliens are doing to us.

    im sure theyre sending us messages and sounds and songs and musical operas and

    we’re just too busy or cray or uptight to hear it

    but lawd knows as soon as we do we’ll be all

    omg hi aliens omg hiiiiiiii!

    there might be some of us who will be like

    do NOT respond, they’ll invade us if we do, they’ll take all our stuff

    they’ll eat our babies and make incredible love to our womens

    they’ll destroy the internet, they’ll pollute the skies

    they’ll move into echo park and ruin the housing market


    our job on earth, and its an easier one than we think, is to be brave

    we are here for the shortest tiniest little half note in the symphony

    and we can either be an awkward rest

    or we can be the coolest note

    something tells me we here to sing.

  4. Me and this lady from Canada were racing to the airport 


    She had to get back to Vancouver. Toot sweet!

    In baseball they teach you to always be thinking what do I do if the ball is hit to me.

    In Uber it’s all “if some nice lady who is a new grandma is rushing to the airport, which is the fastest route

    especially if your Waze suddenly wants to ball up in a scared little ball?

    i was near Montana in Santa Monica. The sun was resisting setting and giving the sky just a smidge more of blue.

    I was thinking of you.

    She came bustling out next to the busy street lined with parked cars and ppl coming home or going out to dinner.

    as i was going south on 11th i was thinking Lincoln all the way? isnt that slow? but what about the freeways? what about that interchange? and who puts their lives on the line with the 405? especially these days.

    me at carls jrher english wasnt good and i was thinking is she muslim? then i thought muslim isnt a dialect you dumbass.

    i headed east a block, then west a block. i was snaking my way to the 10 but the lady didnt understand the double back

    please i must get there by the straightest route.

    she meant quickest, and the music wasnt cooperating either. it was Alien Ant Farm covering MJ’s “Smooth Criminal”

    so much confusion, so much panic.

    then the phone rang. it was “Uber”. i said, oh hey this is probably your daughter calling.

    turned out it was.

    “hi tony, you are driving my mom to the airport. can you tell her the plane has been delayed? no need to rush!”

    and suddenly the Waze started working.

    the lady and i smiled, i called out “sinatra” to my nav system

    and the chairman of the board began singing to us on his Sirius XM channel.

    but then i had to worry about getting a ticket at LAX for being an uber guy.

    tell her to hug you tell her to hug you when you drop her off.

    tell her to hug you the voice kept repeating in my ear.

    circled LAX because i assumed Air Canada is in the Tom Bradley Terminal. turned out it is in Terminal 2.

    no one was on the curb. so no need to hug.

    beautiful night all around.

  5. Wednesday, April 9, 2014

    my mom doesnt like rihanna, i have no idea why 

    rihannashe sings beautifully, she dresses creatively, she speaks her mind

    and when the photographer says hey riri why dont you take off your pants and arch your back, she does exactly that

    have you ever heard a photog say your gurl from Barbados doesn’t give it her all?

    now shes gonna play the Rose Bowl with Eminem. 100,000 people. $150 a ticket.

    thats like 15 million to split between the camps.

    finally Rihanna can pay for some pants.

    personally i love her. and i am prepared to marry her.

    sadly she is with my arch enemy, Drake.

    the canadian is better than Chris Brown, but seriously why does she pick the worst ones.

    i know every girl in the world loves Drizzy but clearly thats because of some crazy spell he paid for in the woods somewhere.

    it will all wear off soon and shes gonna need a man twice her age who has enough pants for both of us.

  6. it was only a matter of time before a transexual porn star ubered me 


    can you take me to the drug store and then subway and wait for me while i get all the stuff? also do you have a phone charger, i think i left mine in the dungeon.

    what were you doing in the dungeon i asked hoping she’d say she was the lighting or sound person

    10169098_10152316717223057_1866407798_ninstead she said, losing my self respect.

    we were driving down wilshire. pretty close to where rfk was assassinated.

    i said, well hopefully you lost that well before you entered the dungeon.

    laughs. drug store didnt work out so we started looking for subway sandwiches. she was asking her Siri, i had Waze it was a very confusing situation because we were both struggling for control but the customer is always right and we did a whole circle and ended up a half block from the drug store. and i waited.

    finally she came back and said the line was too long there. but then convinced herself it would be cheaper just to wait, minus me running the meter.

    i felt relieved because you only make like twenty cents a minute if youre waiting. its so not worth it. we said too-da-loo and i was off again.

    got this guy who used to go to hamilton high. wanted me to take him to literally South Central avenue.

    he was surprised that i knew of hamilton high but i didnt let on that i knew it from when i was overseeing a bunch of reporters at kpcc and i fought to keep one of our best writers on hamilton instead of getting distracted by miramonte. and because of that we got the scoop.

    hamilton had the teacher of the year… who was also allegedly doing some of the boys. it was a creative magnet school focusing on the performing arts.

    my passenger said the teacher was soooo good at piano and was a really good teacher but it didnt surprise him that 22 former students said he was inappropriate with them because “he liked to get really close to you when he explained things”

    and he was very touchy feely.

    10178461_10152316592103057_1050089393_npassenger said right after the allegations made the LA Times there he was at the Disney Hall for an Alvin Allie dance performance costarring one of his recently graduated students. passenger said he went up to him and said, you have Some nerve being here right now.

    omg dramz

    dropped him off right next to the police station where hayley and i did the ridealong a year and a half ago and i got back to downtown

    there i picked up two younguns who were super british and two swedes.

    one of them had this see through plastic skirt and a great tshirt. so much style!

    as luck would have it the three left her at one apartment and i was to drive her alone to the other.

    so after i asked if she wouldnt mind if i took a picture of her outfit and she said no probs

    after i said Hay-dough which means adios in swedish.

    then when i least expected it i got beeped by Hathaway.

    only one Hathaway in all of LA, and its the one i worked with at E! 12 years ago. maybe 14.

    she was there with another ex coworker, Aimee. omg what a small world we live in.

    why was i driving tonight?

    because it was super warm. like beautifully warm

    and also because i had just spent $800 on coachella vip and i want to pay it off before the bill comes.

    someone helped me get the ticket and i said oh i have the perfect thank you gift, whats your addy?

    and she said are you nuts you paid full hit on that ticket we’re good.

    i said, yes but theyre “sold out”. she said but you still paid money.

    i said theres only two reasons i have money: to pay rent and to see rock shows.

    and even though we laughed it is so true.

  7. Tuesday, April 8, 2014

    today is rex manning day 

    licorice pizza

    one nice thing about being as old as the hills is ive had a bunch of cool jobs filled with awesome people

    so when i saw Empire Records when it came out it reminded me of my time at Licorice Pizza Records

    which was pretty much exactly like Empire Records except we had cooler employees.

    our manager ended up being a public radio star who picks music for your favorite tv shows

    another guy ended up picking all the best books for the best book store in hollywood

    there were musicians, teachers, artists, everything youd ever want.

    i learned so much from the people i got to work with.

    but the biggest lesson i learned was: always go for the job / girl / dream that you want.

    after working at mcdonalds, my first job, for a few months i was all: i wanna work at a record store.

    when Gary Calamar interviewed me, he brought me to the office in the back (just like in the movie) and there were album covers all over the walls.

    he said, talk about some of these records.

    i said, oh well there’s Pete Townshend’s “Scoop”, tons of demos and unreleased stuff from the Who songwriter, there’s a 12″ from Springsteen which has a b-side thats terrible which is sad cuz i love the Boss, there’s Prince’s Purple Rain – one of the few artists who played a week at The Forum. Only other person who has done that was Neil Diamond…

    and i got the gig.

    always follow your dreams.

    it’s what Rex Manning would do.

    above: The Licorice Pizza, West LA crew partying in Westwood circa 1986

  8. Monday, April 7, 2014

    done with work but still at work 

    feeling lucky

    i have a mild headache and im debating whether i should go drive around or see captain america 2

    you really shouldnt go see a crazy movie with a headache nor should you drive in LAs crazy traffic.

    no idea how i got a headache, the xbi was supposed to take care of that for the rest of this year

    but they trifling

    pretty girl sent me the nicest little email which made me feel good because i thought i was the only one who did that any more

    problem is she was barely born in the 80s and i said lemme tell you about the 80s

    the mid-80s is as far away from 2014 as the mid-50s was from the mid-80s. which means the same way my friends looked back at Elvis, Chuck Berry, and Little Richard and thought omg ancient, todays youth look at Duran Duran, Oingo Boingo, and Frankie Goes to Hollywood and say “wait, you didn’t have the Internet in high school?”

    she said i frickin love duran duran

    i said im getting a headache.

    i really just wanna hike.