nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, October 1, 2015

    umpqua oregon in the news 

    umpquait’s not like its the most beautiful place in the world

    that distinction goes to isla vista

    but it was a place i instantly felt at home in.

    umpqua is quiet and green with curvy roads and trees trees trees

    a river literally runs through it

    its called the umpqua river.

    it’s cold and surprisingly deep and swift, you should watch yourself

    trees fall down and deers dart around and wild turkeys stumble as the fog rolls in

    a tv personality you know was sent to portland earlier today to cover the historic news

    that recreational marijuana became the law of the land in oregon today but he was suddenly instructed to head to roseburg because an asswipe went into the umpqua community college and killed a bunch of people.

    i believe judgement day includes a part where the good lord says

    did you trust that i was going to take care of you and were calm and happy

    or did you act as if i didnt ever exist and you lived in fear the whole time?

    this country is too old to be so invested in little time bombs that blow

    far too often.

    and our souls are too pure to be hiding behind destruction

    while claiming that we are children of god.

    if i was congress id make a law that said only women can have guns

    and if a man is caught with one, he goes to jail for 33 years.

    men have proven they cannot responsibly deal with guns,

    so men should man up and hand their weapons over to those who have proven they can.

  2. turns out theres gonna be an uber strike this month for a weekend 

    uber strikeim not sure how i feel about it

    on one hand it would be very nice to have a tip button on the app

    and clearer instructions to the passengers about our ratings (like tell them that anything other than a 5 is bad)

    and it would be nice to communicate with Uber that all of these price cuts freak us out and make us feel stupid for buying cool cars after they tell us we could make $75k a year driving for them.

    personally i dont want to be their employee, i dont want or need benefits, and i dont care that they dont pay for gas

    but it would be nice if they reimbursed us for water and car washes every now and then.

    and for sure i think that for every month that we drive we should get $50 in uber credit to use being passengers

    but thats not why drivers are striking

    drivers are striking because any time we try to communicate with the company we dont really get heard

    or it seems like we dont really get heard.

    sometimes the responses we get via the emails dont even read like they were written by humans

    it feels like they bought robot email answering machine and unless you go crazy you’ll never get a real response.

    will i participate in the strike? i dont know. when i sold beers at Candlestick for the Giants i was part of a union and even though uber isnt a union i would feel weird being a scab during a strike.

    also, not a lot of drivers are as fortunate as i am. i have a real FT gig with benefits. if i decided not to drive that weekend i would really be supporting the FT uber drivers more than myself. i wouldnt mind that. it feels good to help someone else.

    also it might ultimately make Uber a better company. theyve never explained to anyone why theres no tip button (Lyft has one and passengers love Lyft just as much – if not more – than Uber… and they tip their drivers). likewise the ratings are confusing.

    the company has made so many good improvements to the GPS of the app over the years it almost rubs the salt in our wounds because we know how much we’d make off that tip button and it seems almost mean not to put it in there.

    for us. their so-called Partners.

    i do need to drive more and i would make a killing that weekend with everyone not driving, but right now im leaning towards not driving because in my heart it feels like the best thing to do in the long run, for everyone.

  3. Wednesday, September 30, 2015

    jim carrey’s girlfriend killed herself, she was 28 

    Cathriona Whitesuicide is a weird deal man. you dont see it coming. and then its there.

    i know, and you know, someone who had tried to commit suicide. we were so in love. she was at the top of her peak of happiness. and she was just 21.

    everything was going beautifully but secretly, deep down, she was saying to herself, “my life has sucked so bad that i want to go out on top and im so happy right now and this joy will soon disappear that i want to end it before that happens.”

    and she drove up a mountain and thought about driving her car off a cliff. but someone was there.

    and she went home and saw a huge bottle of cleaning fluid, called me, left a message saying she was going to see me at dinner. and that she loved me. then she hung up and drank a giant Super Big Gulp cup of the fluid and fell asleep, thinking that she would never wake up again.

    the good news was she did wake up again and she called me and we rushed her to the hospital and she miraculously lived.

    jim carrey and his ex girlfriendthings did not go as well for jim carrey’s on-again off-again girlfriend, Cathriona White. it appears that the pills she took did her in, and she did not wake up.

    we never really know whats going on in the heads of others. even those we are so close to. even those whose eyes we stare into and examine every strafe. trying to peer into the darkness of the pupils.

    we can talk and talk and talk but who knows what theyre not saying, who knows what theyre seeing when we think theyre seeing what we’re seeing.

    but no one sees what we’re seeing.

    holding hands is the sweetest thing but even thats not true. we are not together. we are still miles away. our hands are touching but whats going on in that head? what thoughts are spinning through the mind?

    and what is the devil whispering. constantly. eerily. relentlessly.

    what is the soundtrack repeating?

    is it good? is it hopeful? is it uplifting?

    or is it saying all the saddest negative nonsense it can muster?

    does that endless drumbeat of past gloom pound softly in our soul

    Cathriona Whitestriking at the worst moments

    thumping when we should be laughing

    slicing us with a million cuts?

    its too bad the pope is gone because we need someone here in LA to remind us that this weird little rat race is for the birds. birth school work death was a song, not a path.

    we are here for a brief special guest appearance to enhance the bigger spectacle and

    to be reflections of heavenly love.

    when we obsess over what we want, how things are supposed to be for our lives, we can slide off the path of helpfulness and into selfishness. and that cul-de-sac will only lead to wanting more and more and becoming unsatisfied.

    try to remember the last time you were unsatisfied while helping someone else.


    so today, i invite you to go out of your way to help someone

    in honor of Cathriona

    and love will have the last word.

  4. Tuesday, September 29, 2015

    sat in the parking lot of a 7-11 last night with the windows rolled down 

    eating a doritos taco from taco bell. pretty girl next to me ate popcorn.

    we were listening to van halen because for some reason her “school” hadnt taught her about eddie van halen, david lee roth, alex van halen and michael anthony from chicago.

    eddieshe asked me for a primer on the band before we go and see them this weekend and i was all, wow where do i start?

    i guess its gotta be van halen one and eruption which lead into their kinks cover and aint talkin bout love. but what about running with the devil? gotta throw that in there.

    and the sweet Ice Cream Man with its suprise ending.

    next we move to van halen II with dance the night away and beautiful girls

    at this point i couldnt tell if she was getting it or bored.

    im a boring person. so are summer nights in the 80s at 11pm.

    women and children first gave us the turbo jet guitar sounds of “and the cradle will rock” and the jungle drums in “everybody wants some” and who could pass over “could this be magic” which includes the title of the album.

    we never made it to fair warning because im irresistible and she had to drop her popcorn and make out with me next to the huge sign advertising a large pizza inside the 7-11 for $6.

    yes, $6.

    i was so ready to tell her about 1984 with jump, panama, hot for teacher, drop dead legs, and ill wait, which to me is the end of the van halen story

    but rarely do people want to know when a good tale pretty much ended over 30 years ago.

    way back before this pretty girl was even borned.

  5. Monday, September 28, 2015

    the nexus chilled with the nexus yesterday and all was well 


    several eras of the daily nexus ate pizza, drank, and chatted with each other. some of us gave advice.


    my advice to the kids: stop going to classes, break up with your boyfriends and girlfriends, quit your jobs and devote the rest of your college life to the Nexus. they laughed, but i wasnt kidding.



    barb and elspeth were there with hugs for me to give to jeanine which was very nice. barb let us know that the desks that were still in the office were rejects from AS from the 70s.


    current EIC Emile, former EIC Amy and Barb posed while Todd Francis did his best Grumpy Cat


    the Babes of the Nexus posed in front of all of the bound editions that told our whole story


    the UCen was open and had some weird propaganda poster AS IF the kids dont know where the bookstore is


    Michelle and Doug hadn’t seen each other in decades someone told me, but that cant be true, but maybe it can be since Dougie has been in Prague since the 90s and Michelle has been in Mexico, FLA, Minnesota and now back in Cali.


    i told the current Nexus editors that i wasnt kidding: quit everything, dedicate your life to rock n roll and you too can wind up a bald man with clashing plaids and the greatest friends in the world. i also told them they need to be Periscoping the F outta DP and UCSB and that little bit of advice i have a feeling they might actually accept.


    in summary, even though it was delightful turnout, dont you think Nexus reunions should be about 50x more people? am i the only one who was touched forever by this amazing newspaper? if this was a football school we would have shown up for the dumb football team, but it’s a newspaper school. the best in all the land. yes it was fantastic that my era showed up in big numbers but what about all the other eras? have they all forgotten about where they came from? it’s a mystery to me.

    storke tower

    afterwards i went to the bookstore to get some ucsb swag and i got a text that joe kovach was on the phone at the office and wanted to talk to me. so i dropped everything and ran back across Storke Plaza and wow, i hadnt talked to him in a verrrry long time. he told me kudos for this and that and i told him kudos right back joe. i feel like we should buy a coke machine that dispenses little 10 oz bottles so he can keep it stocked. seeing him do that back in the day was one of my favorite memories.

    later the kids told me about some of the party games that they play now and it made me very happy.

  6. Sunday, September 27, 2015

    this was a good weekend 


    ate sushi with a pretty girl who let me hold her hand in the uber

    saw a rap legend pull off performance art with a different pretty girl whos never looked better

    drove up the prettiest coast in the whole wide world on a lazy sunday in a luxury vehicle

    arrived at the worlds greatest college newsroom and people knew my name

    laughed at some of the best jokes in said newsroom delivered by the great todd francis

    ate in n out while driving home at high rates of speed as the sun set

    and the super moon prepared to be eclipsed.

    we will all be eclipsed said the moon

    it’s the perfect time for a costume change

  7. kanye west played the hollywood bowl last night 


    it wasnt just any show, he did “808 and Heartbreaks” all the way through, with an orchestra and chorus

    why? it wasnt an anniversary, he hadnt just released a remix, it wasnt like he just won an award for it.



    and he made it snow while he was doing it. even though it was close to 90 degrees up in the beautiful canyon.


    it was weird and wonderful and a lot like a fashion show and an art show and a greek drama and what it must have felt like for the jews when Moses delivered his Sermon on the Mount, except funkier

    kayne's cast of thousands

    and with a cast of thousands.

    with guest stars sexy C3P0 lady + spinning stairs to nowhere + starring ladies who just stared

    and lady in the very back of the bowl who just raised her arms

    zoe kravitz in the back of the hollywood bowl during kanyes 808 and heartbreak show

    and very special guests Autotune and random Fireworks


    thank you Bree for thinking of me when you realized you had an extra golden ticket

    that was so funnnnnnnnn!

  8. Saturday, September 26, 2015

    on this day on the busblog in history: 9/26 

    free chorizo2001: today i hate the bus. today i want to get a car. today i want to flush out everything bad in my life. i want to flush everything that isnt perfect out of my life. i want to earn twice as much, i want to wear half as less. i want to grow my hair twice as big and dye it red or just bleach it. im not happy. i was late to work.

    2002: do i, sometimes, have a hard time accepting Really Good in my life?


    not me.

    2003: tsar came down from the heavens last night in eastern hollywood to deliver the good news and layeth the smackdown and they cranked their shit to eleven and pretty much busted the eardrums of anyone within the first fifty rows and i just stood there like heston infront of the burning bush turning grey overnight and i have seen the light and its letters flash t s a r, for the big bad wolf is knocking at your door modern rock alternative radio and he has dyed his hair shit brown and hes coming for whats his and you better give it up or he’ll spin that fckr to twelve.

    2004: there was a time when when people talked about the xbi they talked about guys without vests on, without nightvision, and without fear. guys so tough they wrote their phone numbers on the ass cheeks of the worst guys they caught, so when the cops found them hogtied and defeated they would know who to thank.

    2005: so the little bird, the baby bird, so tiny it had yet become blue did what any little bird would, he walked into the forrest

    and hid in the shadows.

    until he fell asleep,

    shivering in his own sweat.

    2006: now i write you from tom’s living room in Pittsfield, MA after watching his tivo and drinking his children’s apple juice. western mass is gorgeous and sunny and americana to the maxima. i want to put it in a pie and eat it.

    sunset junction street fair 2007

    2007:  well according to these records you wouldnt have seen the weekend if we hadnt intervened.

    he reverse esped her to see if he could.

    let me show you my bra.

    nothing in there is true.

    stop trying to do whatever youre doing. stop trying to be in control. control is an illusion. this path isnt yours because your path is a finale and there is a long way left for you to do for us so knock it off.

    and she injected the venom and it felt cold after a minute and then warm and then shocking.

    2008: the edison is so popular on weekend nights that they wont let you in if you dont have a collar on your shirt or if you have jeans (if youre a dude), or if your not super hot (if youre a babe). ok that last part might not be 100% true but it sure seems like it.

    2009: the day katie couric destroyed glenn beck’s career

    sound of music2010: went to the Sound of Music singalong with the truest

    2011: first lets talk about the crazy ass stuff i have seen at McDonalds here in Quebec.

    the beheaded Ronald McDonalds asking for money was a petite troubling but it didnt stop me from eating francais fries

    Ok, now someone asked whats a Quarter Pounder called in French. The answer….

    2012: canada reared its beautiful head into baseball news today when cy young winner

    eric gagne from pots and pans protest montreal quebec told espn

    that 80 percent of his teammates out here in LA were taking illegal performance enhancing drugs. this from a man who himself admitted to taking illegal substances in order to compete.

    when the news came out several bloggers emailed me asking that i wouldnt squeal on them.

    human growth hormones of course are part of the blogosphere what with repetitive strain injuries, carpal tunnel, and writers block, it isnt easy to maintain a prolific and profitable life as a blogger.

    thus drugs are tempting.

    2013: but it is hard to look at a kickass swimming pool

    or a shiny car with a Star Wars dashboard

    or a puppy smoking a cigar with a kitten being dealt blackjack by a baby mule with a garter around his bicep

    and not say, why yes, I want that.

    2014: two things: why is it that our electrical grid is so sensitive that entire states can be wiped out due to human error?

    and how come the second busiest airport in america can be crippled because of one stinking fire?

  9. aaron asks, i have abandonment issues, please help 

    van halenDear Tony,

    Ever since i was a child i have had abandonment issues. THe anxiety only manifests when people cancel their plans on me. Then I spin out of control. Heavy depression followed by waves of sadness. Recently I have been seeing a woman who cancels on me all the time. When we do hang out it’s quite pleasant. But out of the blue she will cancel on me after saying yes repeatedly. She gives the weirdest excuses. IT makes me feel very very bad about myself. It’s impossible for me not to take it personally. What should I do?

    Aaron aka Loser

    Kind Aaron,

    we all have our own quirks. hers might have nothing to do with you. on the other hand she might really hate you and can never figure out a way to blow you off properly.

    sometimes we men will catch a lady unaware with a request and they will say yes without thinking. but then when they get home they’ll realize “wait a sec, i hate this person. he’s fugly, he smells like cheetos, his house is always dirty, his cats are annoying, his taste in music is for shit, he cant hold a conversation to save his life, and he cant please me at all. why did i say yes to see van halen with him?”

    and then they’ll email you and say lets party in five months instead.

    it’s at that time that you should know that it’s not abandonment issues that you should work on, it’s your body. you probably have a big belly or wear terrible clothes. go to the gym aaron! get a nordstrom charge card! by some Affliction long sleeve shirts for god sake! cut your hair! get a sellout job that destroys the earth and humanity!


    you are unwanted. and you will remain that way forevers.

    go to the show by yourself. sit there and quietly mouth the lyrics to all of your favorite songs and sip out of a plastic bottle of water.

    do not cry.

    somewhere there is someone who would never cancel on you.

    why would they? you are aaron from the internet.

    you have a new shirt!

    you will be fine.

    enjoy the silence.

  10. Friday, September 25, 2015

    Christina Marrocco, who i first met in grade school, maybe first grade, asks 

    tigetsWhat are the three top ills of Old Chicago, and I don’t mean the defunct amusement park in Bolingbrook.

    the rides were too tame, the lines were too long, and even though it was great that it was an indoor amusement park – oh wait NOT the fun Old Chicago, the real Old Chicago.

    ok lets start with the weather. it was either way too hot or way too cold or way too rainy or just overall cruddy.

    it’s like God wanted to punish the good people of Chicago for some sins they committed a super long time ago.

    Richard Pryor used to joke about the wind, how it would wait for you around the corner and mug you as you were crossing the street and beat you down. but to me the wind figured out a way to get under your clothes. it was like mist. it could get through every strand of of fabric and then slap your skin with coldness.

    if that wind was love instead of evil no one would ever move away. but alas…

    then we’ve got the narrow mindedness. which is odd because your typical midwesterner of Old Chicago times had a heart of gold. theyd talk to you. theyd listen to you. theyd understand. but somehow theyd stop understanding.

    was it racism? ignorance? foolishness? hard to say.

    but i’ll tell you one thing that didnt help the situation then and doesnt help it now: the segregation. chicago is a city of neighborhoods but theyre all color coordinated. it’s ridiculous. even in the burbs you’ll see whole towns of blacks next to whole towns of people from India, next to whole towns of whites. wtf!?!?

    the wind hates us all equally, people!

    it’s almost as if the assbackwardness from southern illinois floats the wrong way up the mississip and infects chicago and spreads everywhichway. i blame the white sox.

    finally the music. i dont know what it’s like now, but Old Chicago used to have the worst bands. God bless Cheap Trick, REO and Styx but when California got The Eagles, Chicago got Chicago.

    uh, no thanx.