nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, June 15, 2016

    im a little nervous i might get screwed out of my uber bonus 

    bambias i have written on here before, occasionally Uber offers bonuses to some of its drivers to drive a bunch of a trips on the weekends.

    what this does is gets a bunch of drivers on the road for Uber

    and it prevents Lyft from having the drivers.

    and, best of all, it give us drivers a boost of about $300-$400.

    last week’s bonus was simple: get 30 rides from Friday – Sunday, average 1.5 trips an hour, have an acceptance rate of over 80% and you will get $30/hr and a $150 bonus.

    so i drove 8 hours on Friday and 8 hours on Saturday (sunday is the Lord’s Day) and to play things safe i took 32 trips

    today Uber is saying I only took 28 trips which knocks my trips per hour down to 1.45

    and they dont round up.

    one of the more frustrating things with this self-described technology company is they only communicate through email and often times you have to write to reps whose English is not their first language. also everything is shady.

    example: they swear they are a technology company but as you are driving you have no clue what any of the metrics are. you dont reeeealllly know how many trips youve taken – you sorta do – but clearly it’s debateable. and for sure you dont know your acceptance rate nor do you really know how you are doing per hour.

    on top of all of that, how is it the driver’s fault those last two hours if he has his phone on but there are no passengers requesting him?


    so right now i am in email hell. ive written them like four times and all ive gotten back from them is “thanks for your email, we’ll get back to you.”

    hopefully that means there is a glitch in the system and theyre being bombarded with drivers like me who are all wtf bros.


  2. Tuesday, June 14, 2016

    remember when i said i wasnt gonna read the bible on sundays any more 

    tumblr_o8irbsPcFR1qz9v0to3_500well that was crazy talk

    i read it last sunday, just like i have every sunday for the last ten years or so

    or twenty? who knows. who cares.

    all i know is its good to have a little routine in your life if youre a somewhat crazy person like i am.

    i have to do my laundry now. this is probably the only sad thing about my life. my landlord and my request to put a washer dryer in my apartment.

    at the beginning of the year i called her to ask her if i needed to do anything to get a washer dryer and she said first of all you cant have one

    i said but everyone else has one.

    and she said and secondly youd have to write a letter asking if you can have one. so i wrote the letter and it was not answered. now a lot of things could have happened. for example it could have gotten lost somewhere between hollywood and santa monica. it was probably routed to downtown and then something crazy could have happened to it like it was burned by clowns on a smoke break.

    or she doesnt really respect me because i pay the lowest rent in the building. and she thinks that if i have to haul my laundry to the laundramat all the time i’ll eventually get fed up with the lack of basic laundry equipment and move.

    but ive lived here over 15 years. the first five of those years i didnt even have a car and i still figured out how to get my clothes to the laundramat. now i have a bad ass german luxurymobile. i can get my cubs shirts cleaned, have no fear.

    you know what the bible teaches about this? it teaches that i should keep asking. moses’s jews were slaves in egypt. he had no leverage, just like how i dont neither. but he kept saying let my people go. of course he also said i will torture you through freaky plagues, but at the root of it – moses was gonna keep asking until it happened.

    part of me wants to say, look i’ll pay $20 more a month, you know, to cover any water costs. but fuck that. she never responded to my first letter. why should she get an extra $140 a year for being rude to me? i dont even spend that in a year in quarters at the laundromat.

    but i will ask again. i will say. hello, tony pierce here. earlier this year i sent a letter about me purchasing a washer dryer. i believe clowns may be involved and intercepted the request. may i please install a washer dryer in my apartment, in the spot where there are washer dryer hook ups ready to go? thank you so much.

    hopefully shes been reading the bible too

  3. sometimes i dont know any more 

    tony awardsyou do your thing, you walk around. you drive around. you talk to people. the people seem reasonable.

    but then you go on the internet and something changes. everyone loses their minds.

    were their minds always lost? is my mind lost?

    when something happens 1,000 times and every time is sad and every time is horrible, shouldnt it be changed?

    since the massacre at Sandy Hook where 20 little innocent kids were gunned down there have been 998 mass shootings in the USA. the land of the free. my home sweet home.

    of those 998 only three of the mass shootings were at the hands of Muslims.

    and yet the LA Times, my hometown paper, allows Jonah Goldberg to write a column about how its all the Muslims’ fault. and how Obama is weird by not calling it Islama Fascism or whatever Jonah Goldberg wants him to call it. and the Times pays him money for this.

    meanwhile of the 998 mass killings, all have been done by men.

    most of them white men.

    when will Jonah Goldberg whine that Obama doesnt tell the world that what we have here is a White Man With A Gun Problem?

    who will the LA Times pay to write that? you know, something that’s based in actual math and science instead of malarkey gleaned from the Fox News talking points.

    no one will write it there because, it’s not really a White Man With A Gun problem, it’s just a plain old gun problem.

    there are some guns we shouldnt have. and there are ways that we should be selling and registering and keeping an eye on these guns that is the problem.


    and thats why i feel like sometimes i just dont know. because some very smart people really truly believe in their hearts

    that if we treated guns like how we treat cars, which is to say, in order to get and keep a gun

    you would have to prove you are capable of using one, you have to register it, you have to maintain it, you have to do all the paperwork, etc.

    these smart people really think that it would lead to us taking away


    of the guns.

    they forget or ignore the fact that we haven’t taken away


    of the anything in the usa.

    hand grenades are illegal but there are still a few floating around.cartoon

    a man can’t have a bazooka, but every now and then you find someone with one.

    all we are asking for is a reasonable adjustment to these unreasonable actions occurring to innocent people.

    like i said yesterday, i believe this change will come.

    i believe the tides will change. i believe we will start voting out representatives who care more about money flowing in from the NRA than they do about blood flowing out of innocent victims.

    we will return to being the home of the brave

    and we will let go of some of the machine guns that have ruined the lives of far too many innocent families.

    we are not a stupid scared fucked up terrible ignorant doomed nation of jonah goldbergs

    who like to blame boogeymen and not ourselves.

    this is not a muslim problem or even a white man with a gun problem.

    this is an american problem

    that will be fixed by americans.

    which is why i cant wait to vote.

  4. Monday, June 13, 2016

    Wow the ESPN Prez sure loves talking to the NYT about Bill Simmons 

    bill simmonsIt sure seemed to anyone with two ears that Bill Simmons was fired from ESPN because on his podcast (!) he called NFL commissioner Roger Goodell a liar which ruffled the feathers of The Sports Leader because they are in bed with the Shield.

    But today ESPN’s president tells The New York Times that it wasn’t about the commish, instead, “I alone made the decision, and it had nothing to do with his comments about the commissioner. I severed our relationship with Bill because of his repeated lack of respect for this company and, more importantly, the people who work here.”

    Which also sounds like a lie because if you are pissed at the creator of Grantland and his alleged lack of respect for the people there, why would you shutter the beloved site and make all those people instantly unemployed due to your scorched Earth style of management?

    Further, why would you add gasoline to this fire a week before Bill’s new HBO show is about to come out? All you’re doing is giving him free pub and making him look like the David to your Goliath. Super fascinating to me how thin skinned those at the tippy top can be when talent who has earned an audience based on their opinions actually give opinions.

    Always remember: the president of ESPN didn’t even have the guts to tell Simmons that he was fired in person on the phone or via email. Instead he told the NYT and Simmons found out through Twitter.

    In summary: The commissioner of football was lying about the Ray Rice video and now it looks like the president of ESPN is totally omg wtf lying about why he shitcanned Bill Simmons and spitefully ended the beloved Grantland.

  5. ive lived half my life already and ive seen some huge improvements 

    lauren at pridei lived in a time when tvs only had four channels

    i lived in a time when there were zero video games.

    then there was one. then there were two.

    i lived in a time when calculators cost over $100 and when gas cost less than $1 a gallon.

    i lived in a time before air bags in cars. when it was ok to smoke in a plane.

    i went to college at a time when most of the kids didnt have computers.

    when there was zero internet or email.

    only recently was there a black man as president.

    for most of my life not everyone could get married, in America.

    but that changed.

    you now can legally buy marijuana, a plant that has never killed anyone, in several states.

    and we have these magical devices. they call them phones.

    but theyre nothing like the phones i grew up with.

    these know where you are. these can answer almost every question. they can translate all the languages.

    they can take photos and send them around the world in an instant.

    they can play every song miles davis ever recorded

    these phones will unlock once it senses your finger print.

    it can tell you how many miles you walked that day, that month, that year.

    these so called phones are fairly new to this planet

    they exist because we discovered there was a need and we allowed that need to be satisfied.

    we have a need to limit the amount of gun violence in this beautiful country

    and i am certain that before the second half of my life is over

    that we will solve this problem too.

    and the Cubs will win the world series

    and families wont go bankrupt if someone gets sick.

    and money will be removed from politics.

    and people will actually start reading the bible instead of just talking about it.

    thats what i think.

  6. Sunday, June 12, 2016
  7. Friday, June 10, 2016

    today is the truest’s birthday, shes 24 

    chris and africans

    almost everything you need to know about todays birthday girl is in this picture.

    when everyone was getting high, making money, going to cocktail parties with meliania

    chris went to africa to save the poorest of the poor. the blackest of the black.

    she joined the peace corps, volunteered at an orphanage filled with kids whos parents died of AIDS or wars.

    some of the kids were handicapped some were emotionally screwed up.

    two tried to kill themselves by throwing themselves into the Victoria River

    but Chris, once a member of the UCSB Women’s Crew Team, jumped into the river and saved them

    a year later she returned to the river, with the youngsters, and they took pictures to celebrate her bravery

    orphansand selflessness.

    some in the village called her a ghost. some a witch. some just called her America.

    America saved two orphans, someone said in Lugandan, the language of Uganda.

    You lie! said another.

    and a sound was heard in the distance, then a dusty image, then a rollicking cab filled with people

    some even on the roof.

    and then it stopped.

    and out came three wet souls. one white and two black.

    and off they climbed from the roof.

    and they all collapsed before they could get into the orphanage. they were exhausted.

    but alive.

    and the one said to the other SEE! SEE WHAT THE AMERICAN GHOST DID!

    today Chris lives in New Mexico where she donates blood every week.

    and listens to NPR on her solar powered radio.

    she is the very best this country is all about.

    Hillary should make her the VP.

  8. Thursday, June 9, 2016

    she said my whole life has been a lie. will you marry me? 

    tightrope wedding

    i said do you renounce your past?

    she said yes YES!

    i said do you take back all the horrible things youve said about me?

    she said oh god yes!

    i said will you go back in time with me?

    she said ummmm sure!

    i said will you go back in time with me and get hitched in Europe?

    she said, fuck yeah

    i said will you get married on a tightrope with me in the past when everything was black and white?

    she said this is exactly why i want you.

    i said, wait till you see where we go for the honeymoon

  9. i interviewed a great photographer yesterday for work 

    just be coolnext week we will publish it.

    he’s lived, in many ways, a blessed life, and i told him that

    he didnt deny it.

    he got to hang and work with warhol, mae west, groucho

    i asked him about new technology and did he adapt to it.

    he said he had to, but he also leaned on his assistants to do that sort of thing.

    he said he loves the dark room and thinks all young photographers should spend some time in there

    i asked if he still spends time in there.

    he said no.

    i asked if there was ever a picture that he didn’t take?

    he said i dont know what you mean.

    i said at the oscars this year i was running around trying to find leo dicaprio so i could snapchat him real quick for the kids, and as i was looking i saw sly stallone at the bar

    and he looked totally dejected because he didnt win in his category

    it had been 40 years since he was last nominated. and there he was with a beer on the bar. not drinking it. and he was looking right at me with his sad eyes

    and he was all alone. and i could have taken the picture and it would have been great

    the ultimate agony of defeat pic, but i felt so badly for him that i didnt take it.

    i said have you ever been in that situation?

    he said, yes, i was once having dinner with audrey hepburn…

    if theres one thing i love love love love love about my job and hollywood and beverly hills and LA

    it’s that people can always top my stories.


  10. Wednesday, June 8, 2016

    fascinating watching the GOP lose their minds right now 

    im with racist donald trumpthey pretend theyre the party of lincoln but we all know thats a lie.

    theyre the party of the one percent.

    they dont want to tax those who could actually pay tax

    they want to blow up whoever disagrees with them

    and right now they wanna blow up their own nominee.

    why? because he is too much like them.

    he is the Uber GOP: he has no real ideas, he has no love for what is truly lovable about this country, and the only reason he is where he is is because of the banks.

    just like them.

    but unlike them he says what is in his head. unlike him he can’t hide his racism and ignorance and spite.

    and why should he? letting his id run the show has made him richer than he could have ever dreamed of being, and famous, and gotten him yuuuuuge ratings on tv.

    if it aint broke!

    but the GOP leaders are clearly used to holding the strings over their boys and girls. how do we know this? because they’re freaking out that they cant tell trump what to do and say. they yearn for Mitt even though Mitt lost and Mitt proved that Obamacare worked. doesnt matter, he would jump when they told him to.

    trump aint jumping for anyone except for that drunk Bart Simpson in his head who says cowabunga every time he sees a pretty girl or a Muslim.

    they say politics is about power. but the GOP are showing it’s also about control. sadly control is an illusion and the party who brought the world w, mcain, palin, mitt, lying ted, little marco, that lady from hp, herman cain, paul ryan, and smart glasses rick perry probably wishes that their whole job right now was to go back to trying to scare the masses about terrorism, abortion huts, and death panels

    because theyre about to lose the white house, and probs both houses of congress.

    this is the party that has owned talk radio, owns all the biggest corporations, went to the best schools, know all the right people, but has never had an agenda that benefitted the middle class. so they will lose (again) and their biggest nightmare is about to come true

    hillary clinton is going to appoint four supreme court justices.

    and the world will not implode

    and america will say why did people ever vote republican?

    and someone will say, same reason people used to use Internet Explorer:

    it came with the system