nothing in here is true

  1. Saturday, October 22, 2016

    today is my birthday, im 50 


    how did this happen? how did i get here so fast? nothing i do is fast.

    it takes me 17 hours to eat dinner. i like to savor every moment of every thing. who knows why but i do.

    50 knocked on the door when it shoulda been 30. i feel exactly as i did back then. my eyes my heart my legs my knees.

    except for a mild touch of high blood pressure im in exactly the same shape in mind body and spirit.

    all while eating healthy portions of fast food every. single. day. often 2-3 times a day.

    my poops are regular. my weiner works. my back is fine. and my dreams are just as vivid as they were when i was seventeen.

    the old noggin keeps thinking of wild twisty colorful storylines and i write about one per cent of them down.

    50 was the age bukowski was discovered and his life completely changed.

    he was told he could just write and no longer work. so he wrote and he wrote some of the best things youve read by him: post office, ham on rye, women. all after 50. all about four blocks from where i write you.

    when you dont have to worry about the government job getting weirded out by your weird ideas the flow can flow. then you walk up the street and order some chicken and walk home with a nice greasy bag.

    i think about working out. i say to myself you were in shape the first 20 years and then coasted the last half. how about seeing what you could look like now.

    keefebut i dont want people to like me because of my abs. who cares about those. i want them to smile from the crazy stuff. the wild side. the weirdness. the love.

    bodies are the dumbest things ever and we know this and we know this but we fall. some of us. into that murky madness of a lie. donald trump looks like a cartoon and yet millions of people are going to give him their vote because of


    crazy wild weird anti love.

    thats what im learning from him at least. he doesnt stop letting it all out. he didnt wait till he was 50. and imagine how much better our secret stash is than his.

    we are not our abs or our life savings or the pretty girls we kissed or rock shows we didnt miss.

    we are not our incredible friends or our education or stories we can tell.

    we are the reflection of a loving god

    who has given us the freedom to make something fascinating of ourselves.

    we can hoard it or hide it or share it or help others with theirs

    but we are not mes we are wes

    theres no accident that theres so many of us in such a small space.

    we are not here to be alone.

    and like reflections, when we reflect each other the mirrors do the trippiest things

    into infinity and back all at once.

    and everyone except for the one holding it can see.

    im 50 because the universe allowed me to be 50.

    im 50 because of health, which im telling you, i did nothing to help.

    if anything i hurt it, i fought it, i completely took it for granted.

    but god wants me to keep reflecting


    or as clearly as my circus mirror can.

    i am grateful for everything

    i know i didnt deserve to even hear about most of it

    never mind see it or be it.

    if anything it was a secret message from above

    saying we love you, baby.



    now lets play two.

  2. Friday, October 21, 2016

    well that was easier than predicted 

    cubs dodgers

    im not usually a nervous man. but i was nervous for a few innings last night at Dodger Stadium.

    sitting next the the razor sharp nicole cifani in the second row of the upper deck we had a perfect view of the cubs taking a 1-0 lead through 4 innings. i hadnt really eaten all day (bc nerves) and had only drank about 16 ounces of my 20 ounce beer so i thought it would be a good idea to put something in my stomach.

    i also think the irresistible aroma of garlic fries were getting to her as well.

    plus i wanted to meet up with todd and bob downing’s nephew who had bought my extra tickets higher up in the stands.

    and as we were walking along the promenade past very long lines for refreshments the dodgers started rallying.

    it got very loud. dodger fans hadn’t seen their team win a world series in 28 years. they werent there to crown the cubs. and in this city of champions usually their wishes come true.

    as we waited to pay the dodgers tied the game up. walking around was usually what i did to help the Cubs get hits but alas it was now working for the home team? F word!

    so i mixed things up a bit. Todd looked despondent and the peppy young Downing could probably use some newer friends near him so i suggested that nicole and i sit with them up behind the foul pole in left.

    nicole mama mia was that a rougher, different crowd from where we originally were. big, tough, fat mexican dudes, drunk from lots of things stood up and chanted for their team. some would eventually get escorted out by well-staffed security and LAPD. we saw tattooed latinas warned by security to take it easy on the profanity. we saw a huge but quiet hispanic gentleman pointed at by a grim faced guard who said, “GET DOWN HERE NOW!” he obliged and never returned to his seat.

    there were a few Cub fans around us who cheered at a respectful level because lets face it, if there was going to be a fight it was going to happen in this far, high corner of the park. and lo, around the 7th inning, when things looked dire for the Dodgers who were making unforced errors and giving up walks and hits and homers to the young buck Cubs, a giant latino man with a white tshirt rushed towards another while trying to be separated by a well intentioned girlfriend or wife.  angry looks exchanged but not blows. as kids with Yasiel Puig tshirts watched, fascinated. as Dodger fans seemed to be taking it out on themselves.

    so disappointed. all of them. as this very well might be the last time they see their team.

    not Ice Cube in the box seats, not Vin Scully who made a guest appearance in the press box, and not their heroes on the field could turn their scowls upsidedown.

    by the 8th i wasnt nervous any more. the Cubs had extended their lead to 6 runs, every time there was a close play the replay went against the home team. and the fans slowly made their way to the exits.

    and then, it was done. the Cubs had come back from the deficit with two resounding back to back wins at Chavez Ravine and the plane ride back to Chicago would certainly be livlier for the Cubs than the Dodgers. Now the teams face off on Saturday with the Dodgers putting their ace, Clayton Kershaw on the mound and the Cubs will counter with the MLB ERA leader, the mysterious and unassuming Kyle Hendricks for Game Six. It’ll be do or die for the Dodgers.

    And a trip to the World Series if the Cubs can pull it off.

    After a nite cap at Little Joy followed by some grub at Tacos Arizas, Nicole and I said good night but not before she invited me to her church on Sunday.

    but i wanted to tell her, ive been at church all week.

    and it was good.

  3. Thursday, October 20, 2016

    i had a great time last night rooting on the Cubs to victory 

    14724419_10154602604538057_724902057538849283_ni was right that the Cubs’ bat could not remain cold for three nights in a row

    i was right that the 20 year old hurler of the Dodgers might be more than a little nervous on such an important stage.

    i was right that I’d been wearing the wrong cap all along

    i was right to shave my playoff beard.

    and i was right to dip my head into Little Joy after the huge win, because Haley and Joaquin were there and all was good especially when we learned the 7 foot Cubs fan was none other than Bulls center Brad Miller

    it was a beautiful warm night. ran into my man Dave. Chilled in Center with Todd.

    spent a lot of time just watching it on the TVs because it was super good luck

    I was all Todd do you wanna go back to the seats? He was all, not until we score 10 runs.

    Cubs scored 10 runs and we returned to our seats, victors.

    At least for the night.

    Tonight it’s gonna be a hot one. It’s close to 100 right now already.

    I will not be eating any hot dogs or drinking any beer. I am sick of them. I can literally still taste them after two nights in a row.

    My poops this morning were all, dude.

    But my heart was all, duuuuuuuuuuude :)

  4. Wednesday, October 19, 2016

    there seems to be two types of people in the world 

    dodgers cubs heyward

    1. people rooting for the cubs to break their 108 year-old curse

    2. people who find great joy in kicking Cub fans when they’re down.

    this is nothing new to long time followers of the North Siders. it starts with White Sox fans and moves in every direction from St. Louis all the way to LA.

    and it’s cool. this year the Cubs were the favorites to go all the way and everyone likes to knock off the big boys.

    but how can you really be the overdog if you have never even been to the World Series in 70 years? let alone won it?

    last night i was at the game, i wore my hat and jersey, we got lucky and had tickets next to a large group of Cub fans but Dodgers fans were plentiful.

    the Cubs were down early and i tried my little trick of moving around the ballpark to generate some “luck” and as we were climbing some stairs we came across two gentlemen that Ralphy666 warned me about: both Hispanic, heavily tattooed, strong, and talking hella trash.

    the stairs were between the upper deck and the super upper deck. they were enclosed, narrow, and it was just us and them. no security, no witnesses, nowhere to run.

    You’re wearing the wrong colors, ese, the bigger one said.

    Are you kidding, I joked, you should love the colors I’m wearing, we just spotted you three runs.

    the logic stunned them for a minute. just long enough for us to pass by.

    we were walking up, they were walking down.

    at some point we realized they doubled back and were following us.

    i wasn’t scared. why would i be. the only thing i was scared about was they were going to buy us beers for our generosity

    and it would be a Bud Light.

  5. Tuesday, October 18, 2016

    Dear Tony, Will you be wearing Cubs colors to Dodger Stadium? 

    Longtime reader Ralphy 999 says: It appears you are taking the Cubs thing serious. That’s OK, but please don’t wear your Cubs hat and shirt out in the parking lot at Chavez. It could get you seriously hurt. Some of the Dodgers fans are meaner than rattlesnakes. Especially those from the barrios. They take it just as serious as you do. As they have shown in the past.

    Dear Ralphy,

    Almost every day I wear my Cubs hat. When I don’t I wear a Cubs shirt. Tonight I might even wear Cubs condoms.

    I appreciate the energy of Dodger fans, but if anyone understands respect it’s my amigos from the barrios.

    Cub fans represent. We may not have tattoos, but we sport the colors. For over a century we have lost so that others may win.

    If fans want to forget that very recent history, I will gladly remind them. If they want to throw down, well, I wouldn’t recommend them squaring off against a former XBI agent, especially during the playoffs.

    But yes, of course I will be wearing my Cubs hat and my Carlos Zambrano jersey. How would anyone be able to positively I.D. me if something unforeseen goes down?

    Speaking of, if someone gets a lucky shot in and that’s it, make sure they play this version of this song at my wake.

  6. the cubs play the dodgers here in LA today and tomorrow and thursday 


    if you have noticed i havent been blogging very much recently. probably because i have been slightly insane in the membrane.

    the Cubs have a very good chance of winning todays game, but still, it’s the Cubs so you never know.

    the game is at 5pm. im going. the last time Jake pitched a 5pm game at Dodger Stadium he tossed a no-hitter.

    i would very much like to see a playoff no hitter.

    i have been trying to do the right thing, prayers, playoff beards, good deeds, lucky hats, lucky cat foods

    but it sure would help if mr anthony rizzo and mr addison russell would hit the ball, preferably over the wall

    and plunk a palm tree or two.

    when i was a youngster i would root for the Dodgers in October because the Cubs were long out of it

    id see those palm trees beyond the bullpens at Dodger Stadium

    and id say, i want to be there one day, LA

    i never imagined id actually be at the playoffs in October there.


    and for sure i never thought my Cubs would be here too.


    as favorites to win the whole enchilada.

    BRB shaving my head

    for good luck.

  7. Sunday, October 16, 2016

    there was a baseball game on saturday 

    cubs dodgers

    i took the subway over to todds house. andy was there too. we drank and ate deep dish.

    the cubs a pinch hit grand slam from its backup catcher

    earlier javy baez stole home.

    today i watched the game alone because on sundays its nice to just lay about

    and check out football and read the bible

    to have the cubs in the playoffs is bonus

    and to have them as favorites

    well thats the little added pressure

    i like.

    today clayton kershaw, pretty much the most dominate pitcher in baseball

    over the last few years, but just average in the playoffs

    tossed a two hitter on the cubs.

    the cubs threw a four hitter on the dodgers.

    but one of the hits went over the beautiful ivy.

    tuesday wednesday and thursday ive got tickets to the games.


    its gonna be hot


    and the dodgers only have

    one kershaw.

  8. Saturday, October 15, 2016

    Wow, who knew Bill Plashke was such a sad sad little fat man 

    cubs wrigleywith such little knowledge of baseball?

    One of the many ugly things he claims in his pouty whine in this morning’s paper is the Cubs intentionally lost games so they could draft Kris Bryant – never once giving credit to the Cubs for picking the sole star to emerge so far from that draft and the Cubs didn’t even have the top pick.

    He amazingly includes hating on the Cubs for the rainstorm on the East Coast that rained out a Dodger game.

    And claims the Cubs have “fancy new bleachers”. As someone who has actually sat in those bleachers recently I can tell you that they’re just as “fancy” as those at Chavez Ravine.

    They are backless benches. Fancy in the way tap water and vanilla ice cream is fancy.

    Or salt.

    Or bitterness from unloved and untalented writer as his home team is about to face its doom.

    There were many stories an actual columnist could have written as a table setter to this league championship series but Bill Plaschke chose to dip his pen into the inkwell of jealousy and unexpected bile all while shaking his fist at the storylines and metaphors that The Media has echoed over the years – not the fans – about goat curses and lovable losers.

    And no one has played that piano as much or as beautifully as Vin Scully, but for some reason Plaschke just happened to overlook that fact. As if he hadn’t heard it hundreds of times from the lips of the retiring and beloved narrator.

    Scully, who is clearly who Plaschke is subtweeting in this piece, gutlessly, foolishly, sloppily. Without the poetry, nor the precision, nor heart to just come out and say it.

    It must be so cold there in that shadow.

  9. Friday, October 14, 2016
  10. Thursday, October 13, 2016

    how to win a playoff game in frisco for your favorite team 


    it was a beautiful night. instead of sitting in my seat in the upper deck i roamed around taking in the views from everywhere.


    outside people wore their AC/DC Giants jerseys


    and inside they wore giraffe hats for some reason


    i had never been to the new AT&T Park before, but the smells of the garlic fries brought back memories of when i sold hot dogs and beers at The Stick back in ’97. Could it really have been 20 years ago?



    there were Cub fans in the house but not many. Giants fans dont sell their tickets. they use them and I appreciate them for that.14721469_10154572804973057_4415155868064844270_n

    but as i roamed around nothing felt right. if i stood somewhere and the cubs got a hit, i stayed there, but nothing worked. they couldnt get anything going.

    if you remember, back in 2006 when i drove around the country i went to the Bears – Cards game in Arizona. the Bears were losing by 20 points in the 4th quarter. i left a little early and the Bears made an incredible comeback that made Dennis Green freak out in the post game interview.


    the lesson i thought i learned that night was never leave a game because anything can happen. but when i was at the Giants game i thought to myself, maybe i can help the Cubs make a similar comeback if i just sacrificed my own personal joy for a bigger personal joy and leave.

    so i left.

    i walked down the street. i tweeted what i was doing. i told everyone i was doing it to give the Cubs luck.

    it didnt look good for them, they were down by 3 in the 7th when i left. some dope was 2-hitting them. as i walked through the streets of San Fran i bought an It’s It ice cream.

    the plan was to do anything that i didn’t do the night before when the Cubs lost.

    so i walked to the parking lot and got in the car and drove across the beautiful Bay Bridge.


    they were still losing.

    i drove south down the East Bay. i was going fast thanks to the lack of traffic.

    i had the game on the radio in the car.

    i drove and drove.


    then when i got on the 5 freeway things got better.

    we got a hit. then Rizzo walked.

    then there were some pitching changes. Contrareous or however you spell his name, our rookie catcher hit a screamer up the middle. two runs scored.

    then Javy Baez tied it up. then Jason Heyward gave us the lead.

    i was screaming in my car because i knew.

    i knew it wasnt the Frisco Bullpen who had blown so many games, who was blowing this one, the most important one.

    i knew that it was me. tony pierce. biggest cub fan alive. i had done it.

    i was the missing ingrediant and i had to get out of the kitchen and drive all night like springsteen.


    and then our flamethrowing closer came in and flamethrew and south of Tracy i pulled over to a truck stop and screamed and honked my horn and danced around my car and thanked the Lord Above because the Cubs had won.

    the Cubs Beat the Giants.

    In an Even Year.

    At thier House.


    and Cub fans jumped into the Bay and commandeered sail boats and raised the W flag.


    and on the field the Cubs celebrated.

    and in the Benz, hoarse, i called my mom and she was all, they did what?