nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, August 14, 2014

    i was all whattya wanna see? she said how about Mrs. Doubtfire? 

    fisher king

    but for some reason Netflix doesn’t have it. Obama!

    so i was like, have you seen The Fisher King? she was all, never even heard of it.

    i said oh it was directed by the guy who made the Monty Python movies and it’s a little weird.

    she went, lets get weird.

    so ordered some chinese, put on some movie-watching clothes, hypnotized the kittens to fall asleep

    and was disappointingly underwhelmed with how The Fisher King has held up over the years.

    for some reason i remember it being trippier and weirder and… deeper than it felt last night.

    totally forgot that Jeff Bridges’ character was a Howard Stern ripoff (tribute?)

    and was bummed that a lot of the zest and creativity from Brazil, Time Bandits, and Baron Munchausen wasn’t there.

    the young lady fell asleep after a few hours and woke up for the end

    and yours truly also was lured to the land of nod before the film was over.

    not at all what i would have expected from a Robin Williams movie directed by Terry Gilliam.

    Williams, however, was terrific, but was pretty much just Robin Williams.

    not that theres anything wrong with that, but come on bros!

  2. Wednesday, August 13, 2014

    if i like you im gonna say something mean to you at some point 

    amberi dont know why. maybe its a defense mechanism.

    maybe its the devil getting one last shot out to try to prevent me from happiness.

    maybe it’s a misguided angel in me trying to stop me from trying something new that might break my heart.

    over the years right before most people would ask a girl to be their girlfriend i sabotaged the moment in many silly ways.

    ive told girls i didnt like their bodies. ive told girls i thought they werent dirty enough. and ive told some they were too dirty.

    anything just so i could retreat back to my comfort zone, which ironically wasnt always that comfortable.

    this summer ive been going to some really fun concerts with one amber smith blog.

    the devil inside of me tried very hard to figure out ways to end our growing friendship by telling me she’s too tall, too nice, too sexy, and finally it told me shes too good to be true.

    thats when i knew i had a winner.

    so i took her to the cubs game to see if my friends liked her. i didnt care what they thought. but they liked her.

    so afterwards i told her i didnt want to see her again.


    and i wasnt kidding.

    it was a tough phone call because we both clearly liked each other very much and had lots in common, most of all the weird trait of just letting people be who they are.

    she had spent time at the LA Times, she lived near my work, she even partied in Isla Vista. she knew a lot of who i was all about.

    thus she had to get lost.

    then she texted me and said, well can i still see eminem and rihanna with you?

    and being a man of my word i said, of course. and i drove to the beach and took her up the 405 during rush hour and over the 118 and we made it to the Rose Bowl just in time and she was the prettiest girl in the whole place and the very quiet angel who is usually napping woke up and said are you crazy? she is exactly the person you need to be seeing more of, not less.

    and one thing led to another and this morning i said, ok so what do you want me to change?

    she said, nothing youre fantastic.

    i said im fat. she said take that back.

    i said my clothes are all from the sears clearance rack.

    she said then dont wear clothes.

    i said my apartment is always dirty.

    she said, its full of love.

    i said i cant dance well.

    she said those are all moves we havent seen before.

    so i said so do you wanna be my gf

    and she smiled and kissed me and when i got a break at work i made it facebook official.

    and after work imma go to kmart to buy some new clothes.

  3. Tuesday, August 12, 2014

    I’m on Jury Duty 


    I’m really sleepy cuz I had to be here at 7:45am and when ppl ask me how I stay looking so young I tell them two things:

    You’re only as young as your girlfriend feels.


    I don’t wake up at ungodly hours.


    The best part of jury duty of course is you get to keep your community civilized.

    The second best part is you get to have lunch with your friends who work downtown.


    Today I will get to eat with young Sarah A. who worked for me way back in the LAist days.

    We have a lot to catch up on.


    We might even talk about this very tragic death.

  4. Monday, August 11, 2014
  5. movie review: guardians of the galaxy 

    guardians of the galaxylast year i was unemployed. heres how it went emotionally, in stages.

    1. shock
    2. devastation
    3. utter fear
    4. loss of self esteem
    5. resignation
    6. denial
    7. re-resignation
    8. total depression
    9. whoo hoo vacation
    10. never going outside
    11. terrible money making schemes
    12. tons of tv watching
    13. hiking in the heat
    14. candy crush addiction
    15. high blood pressure
    16. headaches
    17. binge watching all the tv series i never had time for
    18. falling head over heels in love with Parks & Rec
    19. deciding, fine, i will move to NYC
    20. landing a job at the academy (thankfully, in beverly hills)
    21. relief

    two reasons i loved Parks & Rec: the loveably clueless Andy and his wickedly beautiful girlfriend April. also, the writing was fantastic. #TreatYourself. actually i liked all the characters. but Andy was and is my favorite. and then April. ok maybe April is first.

    so to see Chris Pratt get a superhero role i was all, whaaaa? was Marvel in a deep dark depression last summer too? did they also start to see the light when the healing powers of comedy swept over them?

    did they go and ask him to lose a bunch of weight and hit the gym to bulk up to star opposite a raccoon and a spiritual giving tree in a summer blockbuster?

    i was distracted through the film but i loved it. i might have to see it again.

    but i probably will have other things to do. like see Boyhood. which is nothing like this, im told.

    whateves, it only cost me $6 because the vista rules. so i got a hotdog a popcorn and a water ($12.50). and still it was cheaper than if i had seen it in 3D.

  6. Sunday, August 10, 2014

    do you have any questions for me? 

    biggiepicked up a smoking hot black woman about three blocks from skid row tonight.

    i was summoned by someone claiming to be his brother. but i have a feeling she was a high class hooker and she was done for the night and part of her deal was they have to call an uber to drive her home.

    she was a little sad. emotionally. as we drove she asked me a lot of questions and finally she said, do you have any question for me?

    are you a man? are you a hooker? do you find the back of my head sexy? will the cubs really win it all in just two years after the rest of the kids develop in the minors? what the hell happened to obama? should i see boyhood or galaxy of the guardians tomorrow? will i ever be loved for my heart instead of all the time my abs and quads? will bey and jigga settle their problems? unemployments down the stock markets up gas prices are dropping: what does a president have to do to get a little credit?

    but all i asked was what she did for a living. i do makeup for a high end brand.

    she asked me what my wildest ride was. i didnt have a good answer.

    she asked me if i had kids. i said i have the best kids: a niece and a nephew who i dont have to take to band practice in the morning.

    she told me it was her birthday. she told me that not all women dress for women, some dress for men. she told me she only had one drink all night. she asked if i like to party. i said ive had my share of that, which is why i drive on weekends.

    we drove through hollywood and we talked about prince while listening to biggie, nicki, and then 2pac.

    you like prince she asked like a phone sex worker would say to keep the conversation going.

    of course i like prince? even racists love prince. thats like saying do you like the perfect weather we’ve been having these last 46 months.

    so i told her i like prince so much i named the two kittens prince and michael.

    as we got closer to her apartment she didnt really know where it was.

    exsqueeze me?

    suddenly i had questions but she said, “you have made this ride so nice. thank you tony.”

    and i looked back and somehow she was even prettier.

    even if i didnt know i shoulda just said, i know what youre doing and i just wanna tell you it’s gonna be ok.

  7. Saturday, August 9, 2014

    the weekend started thursday 

    amberwhen amber and i went to see eminem and rihanna at the rose bowl.

    the pair were a natural pair, each performing on the others’ hits over the years.

    both a little more raunchy than people like my dear mother appreciates.

    both super dooper and unlikely super stars in their genres. both PR nightmares for their outrageous and controversial statements and styles.

    neither having anything to prove the other night other than, yes we can take this money, thank you, to the 60,000 fans, many of whom paid over $100 to fill the pasadena football stadium.

    the show was just one of a handful that eminem will perform this year. he hates leaving his house. but on thursday (and from what i hear on friday) eminem was intense, focused, and at times enthusiastic as he ran across the long stage spitting out rhymes quickly and confidently.

    rihanna was lazy and stoned and only at times sexy.

    those songs tho.

    a full band including a horn section and a dj backed the solo artists who first appeared together for a few numbers and then rihanna took over for a good 45 minutes. eminem followed her for about an hour, then they both ran through some numbers together, there were fireworks and then Eminem wished California a good night.

    after a pause Rihanna returned to the stage for Diamonds and seriously the amount of hits these two have had over the last dozen years is remarkable when they’re being presented to you live with dancers and giant LED screens.

    rihanna only had one costume change the whole night and for some reason was wearing a Krokus concert tshirt. why that mediocre hair metal band from the 80s? because rihanna is lazy and stoned and all the time sexy.

    the fact she even has a career is mindblowing, but she does and her songs are forever stitched into our lives because she is one of the most beautiful women in the world with a a knack for singing the right songs in her own style in such a way that it quickly becomes universal.

    eminem is a rap phenomenon. a genius. and ridiculously talented in every single way a hip hop star could ever be. at 89 years old, he looks fantastic.

    he scowled through most of the show but what only could be considered happiness leaked out every so often, and why not, he’s at the top of his game and finally reaping some of the rewards on the lucrative touring circuit.

    afterwards amber asked if we could go to jack in the box and i said yes yes a thousand times yes.

    but i wish i was able to rap it.

  8. Friday, August 8, 2014

    sometimes it’s good to be old 


    fucking hipsters never saw jerry

    on new years

    off tickets you mail ordered in

    and painted the return envelope

    so the ‘random lottery’ of available tickets would

    swing your way.

    I saw the dead three times.

    first time in la at the forum I passed out in my seat before the show even started

    and woke up in the end, fully relaxed.

    I think The Lord was saying I wasn’t ready yet.

    best time was in vegas where it was faintly drizzly

    which was perfect because it was hot

    and the hippie girls wanted to dance with each drop

    during Drums the stormclouds gathered and darkened

    as the sunset tipped its hat with an extra burst of orange

    and as it thundered, the two dead drummers echoed it

    and played within it

    Often predicting its rhythm and tripping everybody out.

    most of all the dark,

    who had just laid back

    and watched it unfold.