nothing in here is true

  1. Sunday, November 27, 2016

    i met a nice German girl from Germany yesterday 

    kneeling santashe isnt Catholic but volunteers at this Catholic save the world place.

    she met my man Ben at a soup kitchen.

    she looked at me and said, you’re beautiful.

    i said, look at my heart.

    she did and couldnt control her scowl.

    but smiled anyways.

    heart of gold.

    on the side she helps out with the gangs in South Central.

    i said you do what?

    she has a delightful German accent because she spends most of her time in Southern Germany near the Swiss border but comes to LA to volunteer whenever she’s saved enough money.

    when she’s in Germany she studies Theology and writes letters to gang members in jail.

    i was all, what do those jailed dudes write to you?

    she was like, everything.

    i was all, do they ever get out of control writing to such a pretty girl who lives so so far away.

    she said, do you know what they ask me the most for? they ask me to tell their family to write them.

    and i gave her all of my money.

  2. Saturday, November 26, 2016

    liana was the first real cuban i ever knew 

    lianaother than my grandfather who was curiously born in montreal under a suspicious cloud of mystery and whose birth certificate was defaced when he immigrated to america so we dont really know if he was cuban or french.

    but liana was cuban. for sure.

    when i first met her at lunch with my coworker he said afterwards, she hates you. she wasnt kidding. sorry.

    i said she doesnt hate me. she probably loves her. look at her smile when she insults me. watch her eyes turn bluer. my grandfathers blood running through my veins is whispering, get that girls AIM name! (this was a while ago)

    because the Lord loves me for some reason, liana and i started talking every day. and often i would ask her about Cuba where her parents were born and their parents. she told me she had been there only once and it was beautiful and tropical and everything you could imagine. she even showed me a picture of a secret village for the actual natives where they have new cars, broadband internet, and IMAX 3d movie theatres.

    i didn’t know what was more beautiful, her eyes or the Coke machines that could pour any flavor Coke OR Pepsi combo of any soda ever.

    but the best story she told me was about the normal side of the island where kids rarely even saw ice.

    she had buckets of leftover ice from the party she had and gave it to the kids who freaked out over it.

    i have known the coolest people. im so lucky to have known liana.

  3. Friday, November 25, 2016

    sometimes the devil will say 




    don’t write today

    don’t drive today

    don’t try today

    don’t rock today

    and thats when

    it’s time

    to reach deep down

    and whip out the

    albino squid

    of death

    and chuck it at

    that mustachioed devil.

    cuz theres work to do,

    turtle head.


  4. Thursday, November 24, 2016

    do i have anything to be thankful for? i do. 


    starting with you, my family, and friends,


    and all the great food we get to enjoy.

    cubs world series ring

    the Cubs of course especially Theo Epstein and the brewers of Old Style Beer.

    old style

    I am thankful for my health, and the health of Emily Ratajkowski.


    I am thankful for my great job,


    my side hustle,

    when uber was fun

    and high speed internet. I am thankful for my cats even though they are super weird and pretty much ungrateful and entitled.


    I’m thankful for my khaleesi


    and all my Uber and Lyft passengers who all want to take selfies with me for some reason.

    obey peace

    I am thankful for the Obey sample sale, Howard Stern, Baba Booey, Fred, Sour Shoes,

    howard stern and beth stern

    Fat Artie, and Robin’s health. I am thankful for the Internet, all my past and future loves.


    I am thankful for German engineering, Mike Tyson,

    xbi mobile in dtla next to mike tyson

    and all my high school friends who have now had their dreams come true


    – thanks to the Cubs, Theo and the brewers of Old Style.



    I’m thankful for Taylor Swift, Rihanna, cheap gas, Anna Kournikova,


    Charles Bukowski, Iceberg Slim, the Truest,

    kanye smiling bc he's happy

    and I pray for good health for Kanye West.

    springsteen on the sunset strip

    I’m grateful for Little Armenia, Hollywood Blvd., and Sunset Blvd where the freaks come out.

    obama trump

    I am thankful for my president, Canadian McDonalds,

    the pants

    all of the jobs of my past, the voters of California who made weed legal,

    isla vista

    Isla Vista, rock music,


    hippie friends

    my college friends who continue to rock, the Hollywood Bowl,

    sass and her friend in my crib

    Canadians who move to Cali,

    bono and friends

    the readers of the busblog, the moon,


    my favorite book The Bible, KFC $5 Fillups,

    shortsop tyler

    left handed leadoff hitting shortstops who happen to be my nephew,

    jeff solomon lincoln

    and President Abraham Solomon

  5. is the world gonna end? 


    is that what Aretha is telling us by singing the Anthem this way this morning?


    will it be Trump’s fault?


    will it be our fault?




    ok then. ok.


  6. Wednesday, November 23, 2016
  7. Tuesday, November 22, 2016

    as you know im a bizarre man 


    for years i have enjoyed Fantasy sports, but when i was at the Times, I was introduced to a fantasy game called Losers Football.

    it’s really simple: you pick an NFL team that you think is gonna lose, if they lose that week you make it to the next week but you can’t use that team again.

    the guy who runs it did a very smart thing, he made two leagues that happen simultaneously. the second league starts in Week 5, that way if you lose the first league early (which happens) then you can focus on the second league and continue to enjoy the season.

    even though we started with 169 players, look who has made it to the Final 12.

    this week i have the New York Jets losing to the New England Deflators.

    it’s weird rooting for teams you hate or rooting against your favorite teams, but whatever, if i win I think I get $800.

    Tom Brady better not break his leg early in this game.

  8. Monday, November 21, 2016

    full weekend. too full to write 

    coulter reading

    friday i MCed the SW Lauden Replacements-inspired mystery novel short story collection

    did i know what i was doing? do i ever?

    most of life is being on time.

    the rest is being black and proud.

    i was incredible. the writers/readers were too.

    we even had a guy who skyped in from Scotland to read.

    turned out it was his idea, he got the book deal, and it wouldnta happened without him.

    also his story was great.

    afterwards some of our friends played replacements songs and it was beautiful

    weird thing about my friends: we all love the Replacements soooooo much, but for some reason it’s like an unspoken rule that you dont cover them you dont sing them at hootenannys and you dont really even talk about them very much

    but when this book came out i guess a few of them were all, lets learn some tunes and rock that shit

    it was dylan, greg and marko

    marko was a local santa barbara teen who stumbled across our friends and befriended them

    he placed bass in Popsicko which was fronted by Keith Brown (RIP) who went to high school with coulter, greg, and dan

    he said something really nice at the beginning, he said, a lot of these guys have known each other since freshman year of college

    and a few have known each other since high school so it’s really great to be around them

    because these songs mean so much to all of them.

    so true. so very true.

    afterwards i got a few tacos at a taco stand, then ubered for a while.

    it was a good weekend.

  9. Saturday, November 19, 2016

    i’ll figure it out 

    kennyi always do

    time takes time.

    been sending emails back and forth with Uber for like a month.

    at USC they have this special deal with Uber that im sure ive talked about. i like it because it’s short rides, everyones nice,

    and best of all they are out there waiting for you right away because

    a) kids are alright
    b) kids understand ubes
    c) they’ll get charged $5 if they’re not there in two minutes

    when the payout is right you can make decent money and every now and then one of the people at USC wants a Select ride and there you go off into the night.

    the trouble with Ubes is they outsource their email support to a dark dark place — it could be all a computer program out in Westworld for all i know because all the responses are canned and they hate being specific about you

    finally today i either got super lucky or said the magic words but i got someone who actually understood what i was trying to say and bingo i got my money.

    persistence. clarity of message. asking for what you want.

    next time i’ll ask for some pre-IPO shares

  10. Friday, November 18, 2016

    do i care that Trump is hiring racists 


    and anti semites and homophobes and liars and haters and nogoodnicks

    and an attorney general who hates weed

    and has a VP who thinks you can electrocute the gay outta people

    and kids who think they belong in meetings with japanese political leaders

    and omg the head of breitbart “news”?

    no. i dont care.

    the bible says, clearly, and repeatedly,

    “doth not give two shits about thou earth. only care about Paradise.”

    because the Lord saw the future, and it involved a selfie stick, a whole bunch of people who look like they were at the same family reunion, all pretending that theyre representing the most diverse country in the world

    while pretending global warming doesnt exist

    while pretending that weed kills

    while pretending that their odd ways of no taxes and heavy spending on the military

    wont sink this economy  like it did with bush, bush, and reagan.

    let the meek inherit the earth, homeboy.

    who are the meek?

    youre looking at em.