nothing in here is true

  1. Saturday, October 6, 2018

    is everything terrible? 

    just because some things are horrible, miserable, unfair and full of shit

    doesn’t mean you should give up or forget who you are

    or change how you do things.

    you are not the problem.

    you are the solution.

    well meaning pastor from trinidad and tobaggo was on twitter today saying that stormy daniels’ lawyer michael avenatti was to blame for judge kavanaugh making it into the supreme court

    as if any of the GOP senate was gonna vote against him anyway,
    as if anyone on that side was gonna do the right thing

    the GOP is not here to save you. or me. or us. unless our last name is Wells Fargo or Sacks or Kavanaugh.

    the good preacher said that Stormy’s lawyer was a showboat and that helped energize the republicans and you know what i said to that man

    i said i love showboats. LOVE. because some of my all time heroes were showboats.

    Moses took his staff and said im gonna part this Red Sea in front of you and Cecil B. DeMille and my fellow Jews are gonna stroll across it and at the last minute im gonna strike my staff and all the water is gonna drown those Egyptian slave masters. and he did and it was showboating and it was so nice they made that movie twice.

    later in that same book the Son of God had a huge crowd around him and one of his BFFs said Jesus we gotta feed this throng before you get to the giant speech. so Jesus turned a few fish and a couple of loaves of bread into enough food for everyone, and there was even left overs. the leftovers I would call showboating. of the most divine kind.

    other black showboaters include Rosa Parks who sat in the front of the bus during a time when that not only raised eyebrows, it raised fists and police batons and got everyone up in arms. and she showed those people her boat and she said, take a picture it’ll last longer.

    but maybe my favorite showboater was the dude from Tiananmen Square who had a stand off with a tank. he told that tank, let my people go! and the tank tried to get around him but Tank Man moved. then the tank tried to go the other way, but Tank Man moved that way. eventually Tank Man just climbed on top of that tank and had a chat with the dude driving the thing and they probably would have had a happy little conclusion but the authorities came and dragged him away… for showboating.

    Michael Avenatti aint doing anything the GOP loudmouths are doing: stating their beliefs on TV as often as people will allow them to speak. in this world where there are too many channels and not enough content, thank God for articulate crusaders like Avenatti to stir shit up for the Libs who are getting abused environmentally, financially, in the supreme court, by the FCC, by the EPA, and fuck, seemingly everywhere.

    thank god the Yankees suck and Tom Brady is losing his touch or else id have to start drinking again.

  2. Wednesday, October 3, 2018

    can i tell you a secret 

    im a very happy man.

    theres a pretty girl snoring next to me who loves me and i love her right back.

    we’re good at lots of things and not very good at others.

    but we are good about talking about how we can work on those things, so it helps.

    there are people in her past that she doesn’t want to be like and im all samesies times a million!

    we like totally different foods, which is interesting because sometimes she will order something

    and i will order something and half way through i will have picked around the things i hate

    and we just switch plates and it’s the best.

    meanwhile im working on a secret project thats coming along faster than scheduled

    which is good because thats what ive always told everyone that would happen if i could just

    control my own destiny.

    tomorrow im going to a church, then a lakers game to see king james

    then friday i’ll be at the dodger game with my brother to check out the playoffs

    which will be bittersweet because my cubs but

    weirdly im still very happy

    and it’s in part because of snoring girl, who has this lovely spirit

    she just wants everyone to be happy around her

    and i want the same thing.

    i have always, and i want who ever is reading this to feel the sunshine

    because it does come out

    right after the darkness.

  3. The 2018 honest, sober recap 

    the Cubs had two chances to avoid elimination over the last two days and they couldn’t hit, even in extras last night at Wrigley.

    they lost Monday to Milwaukee who they shared the best record in the NL with, and they lost yesterday to the Rockies who had the disadvantage of arriving in Chicago at 2am after losing to the Dodgers in LA.

    Jon Lester and the rest of the bullpen including a couple of starters held the Rockies to just a couple of runs but the Cubs had a hard time doing shit, and really blew an opportunity with the bases loaded late in the game.

    this brings me mixed emotions because the Cubs were not dominate this season despite their great record. it was the 4th year in a row that they made it to the post-season but they seemed to limp in. Nobody was smoking hot going into these last two games except for Lester. KB was still hurting, Strop made a sparkling guest appearance but was hurt, Contrearas had to take a long pause after a swing at the plate, Yu never made a contribution to the team, nor did our actual closer whose name escapes me because HES DEAD TO ME.

    so here’s what i would do if i was Theo, this offseason.

    i would trade the following players to the Angels for Mike Trout and the Bears top 2 draft picks in 2020 and 2021:

    Kyle Schwarber
    Addison Russell
    Joey Amalfatano Jr
    Daniel Murphy
    Ian Happ
    And Yu Darvish and half his salary

    I know the Angels already have Albert Puljos and that The New Babe Ruth at DH but I NEED TO GET HIM OUTTA MY FACE TRADE HIM AGAIN IF YOU WANT ANGELS HES A DH

    This would be an expensive trade for the Cubs because Darvish’s salary is like 25 mil a year and hes got 5 years left. But the Cubs built a damn hotel over the McDonalds on Addison, don’t tell me they dont have any damn money.

    After acquiring and signing Trout I would knock on the door of Mr. Bryce Harper and I would say, we don’t need-need you any more but we would like to have you because KB and Rizzo seem to like you, but you’re gonna have to cut your hair bc it’s ridiculous and you’re gonna have to accept a different offer than what everyone else is sending you. instead of 5 years at $25 mil each, how about 9 years at $19 mil each, with a million dollar bonus for each World Series we win? otherwise, have fun in NYC, no one will like you there and your life will be miserable.

    if the Angels want David Bote too, fine. They deserve some young blood, but we get to take back one of Da Bears’ picks.

    thus concludes my recap.

  4. Monday, October 1, 2018

    did i tell you that amber and i saw beck? 

    do i tell you anything interesting? do i ever ask

    how was YOUR day?

    if i won the lottery i would do all the right things, but then with the million left over

    i would buy a Chuck E. Cheese and only have the best video games and pinball machines

    id have actually great pizza, so great you’d want it delivered.

    thered be special days where kids from the childrens hospital could go wild in there

    and on friday and saturday nights bands would play there

    but the opener would always be my robot band that would play cool music like this

    indie artists everywhere will write songs for the robot band

    it might be the only time they’ll have an audience.

  5. Sunday, September 30, 2018

    cubs played their last game of the season today 

    and because they won, and because they have the same record as the milwaukee brewers, and because the cubs beat the brewers more than the brewers beat them this year

    tomorrow they will play each other at wrigley field

    to see who is the champion of the NL Central.

    now the good news is whoever loses tomorrow is still in the playoffs because their records are so good

    but the winner gets home field advantage through the playoffs

    and they get an extra day off

    two things the Cubs could seriously use.

    i feel good about tomorrow because the Cubs are playing a lot better than they have the last month

    and they’re at home, and they tend to beat the Brew Crew

    and the Bears played incredibly today

    and good things are happening to me personally

    and the weather has been great

    so tonight amber and i celebrated by going to sushi. she had just gotten a really good tip. we had soup and sushi and edamame. it was really nice. but the whole time i had a hard time relaxing

    because once a week i have to do these check ins and

    all i want is to be left alone when im being creative.

    all i want is to be trusted.

    youd think after over 50 years of rock n roll people would look at my record and know not only am i responsible but imma kick ass at what i set my mind to.

    and lord knows my mind is set on this.

    lets hope the Cubs are as motivated as i am.


  6. Friday, September 28, 2018

    courage is not an easy thing for everyone 

    and just because someone either lacks backbone or always takes the easy way out doesn’t make them dishonorable or worthy of ridicule.

    not everyone is cut out to stand in front of the group,


    and say, no, this is the way.

    that is true leadership, which has its roots in courage.

    neither are easy.

    but we saw it in spades with the good Doctor who testified so wonderfully yesterday.


    we call Senators and Congresspeople political leaders because they have been chosen to assume that difficult role.

    they are paid, they are given security, they are granted universal healthcare and excellent pensions, because they have asked and received the daunting task of being the voice in the wilderness to say

    this is the way.

    which is why when we watch what is happening in the Senate today, particularly in this vote for the would-be next Supreme Court Justice, there seems to be a giant lack of courage.

    a pathetic evaporation of leadership,

    and worse, a blind refusal at representative governance.

    the people do not want this man on the bench, and yet the GOP Senators who could investigate the serious allegations against him do not have the gumption to stand apart from their partisan boys club and say

    this is the way.

    when this happens in the petty pace of day to day to the average man or woman, it can be forgiven, for a multitude of reasons.

    but when actual leaders, who swore to protect and defend the country, not the party, give in to peer pressure or political pressures or the fear of reprisal, financial or otherwise,

    it is disgusting and unforgivable.

    courage is not an easy thing for anyone. our brains are programmed to protect the body from danger.

    but there is no danger in doing what the heart knows is the right path.


  7. Thursday, September 27, 2018

    Top 10 Lies Supreme Court Nominee Kavanaugh Told Today 

    1. He said it was legal for him to  drink when he was a senior in high school. False

    2. and 3.  He lied about the slang term “boof” and the “Devils Triangle” saying the former was about barfing and the latter was a version of Quarters, in truth they are about anal sex and threesomes.

    4. He originally swore he never drank in the summers on weekdays, but his trusty calendar ratted him out and had to admit to Cory Booker that he did, indeed drink on a weekday at Timmy’s, as his trusty calendar proved.

    5. In a lie that only made him look like an asshole he told Kamala Harris that he didn’t watch Dr. Ford’s testimony. An aide says he was watching (which is probably why he came out with guns blazing).

    6. When Sen. Harris asked him about polygraphs he said they’re unreliable. Not consistent to what he once said when he wasn’t one false move away from a lie detector.

    7. According to his Yale classmate, he also lied about his drinking in college. Namely that he often drank to excess (more than The Card would have recommended).

    8. He told Sen Blumenthal that the yearbook phrase Renate Alumnus was simply a G-rated friend thing and had nothing to do with sex, but his friend’s poem about her alluded what everyone knew, that they were calling her a slut: “You need a date / and it’s getting late / so don’t hesitate / to call Renate”. But the woman herself said that she did not take it as a compliment.

    9. He said three witnesses have refuted Christine Blasey, not true. They just said they don’t remember.

    10. He said he openly welcomed an FBI investigation, yep, lie.

    The Daily Show had the funniest summary of the crazy exchanges


  8. Tuesday, September 25, 2018

    can i help you 

    ive gotta wake up early to move the car and when i do the fog omg the fog

    her name is %%! she answered the craigslist ad that amber put up

    technically shes my afternoon girlfriend but we dont do nothin,

    amber just doesnt want me to be lonely

    i work all night, sometimes late enough to move the car before sleeping

    around noon %%! knocked today waking me up, shes nice. not as pretty as amber

    but i dont care.

    after the cubs won the world series theres very little i care about other than amber.

    %%! thinks i care too much. she could be right.

    i care how long it takes amber to get home, i care what she eats and what she doesnt eat.

    i buy her clothes and books and movie pass and ramen and bus tokens and massages

    %%! is all, why dont you buy me anything and i say youre getting paid to sit there and paint your toe nails

    she took the tuxedo off Prince yesterday and he went nuts scratching his wound


    i yelled running to the hallway closet where the aloe lives

    dabbed a heap of it on a wash rag and smeared it on his super gross bloody bald hairless gouge

    slid his tux back on and he meowed in annoyed pain,

    rolling onto his back trying to get at it

    we cant get at it sweetie

    %%! sighed


  9. Adios, Cos 

    sometimes i feel bad for young people because they missed out on a great rock band or the thrill of being introduced to a new toy called Pong

    but today they should be relieved that they were not around, and young, and black when The Cosby Show was around.

    sure it was a hit show that everyone loved, but for black folk it was way different. sure we had seen blacks in Good Times – but they were super poor. And of course there was The Jeffersons (who even had a maid) but who could you relate to? George? Please.

    while the Cosby show as also a bit too hard to believe with dad being this affable doctor and mom being the perfect lawyer who never seemed to take her work home with her, either you could see yourself as one of the kids – or you could see your friends in them very easily.

    and the scenarios were also hugely relatable.

    the show was so good, so heartwarming, so pure, that Bill Cosby could wear the ugliest sweaters and instead of thinking, holy God that’s ridiculous, you’d say, “well, I guess that’s a thing that really smart, rich people of color wear.” and sure enough, everyone started wearing Cosby Sweaters.

    in a tv schedule flooded with white faces, to see the Cosby’s on top, week after week, year after year, gave families like mine the same warm feeling that my Asian friends basked in this summer with Crazy Rich Asians, and how many women and girls felt while watching Wonder Woman kick ass on the big screen: finally. Yes! Oh HELL YES!

    and sure, some of the mighty fall. Mike Tyson, Pete Rose, Paris Hilton, Martha Stewart – all ended up on the wrong side of the prison cell. But Bill Cosby? the comedian who never swore? who weirdly told young rappers to pull up their pants?

    who had a huge selling comedy album where Noah told God “riiiiight” when the Lord warned him about the Flood.

    to have that guy end up being one of the most notoriously slimy rapists in US history is not just shocking, but almost unbelievable.

    the only thing that makes it believable are the long history of other humans being horrible in the past.

    but Mr. Jello Pudding? Mr. Hey Hey Hey it’s Fat Albert?

    He knew he was a hero to black folk. He knew kids everywhere looked up to him for a million reasons. He knew that he had taken the road less traveled, the Good road, and it had paid off.

    And all along he was being the worst?

    If it was a script the studio boss would throw it on his huge desk and say riiiiiiight and kick out the idiot writer.

    because neither he or his wife or any of his friends who may have known about this horrible behavior will admit it, it’s hard to learn and good lessons from this terrible tragic. but there are a few.

    the most important being: we need to listen to the women and believe them when they say that weird shit went down. no matter who was behind it.

    because if we had a culture that omg believed women and didn’t throw them to the lions any time they spoke up, there would have been fewer victims at his hands.

    when i was a kid bill cosby was one of the biggest heroes ever. today he is one of the sickest victims. he belongs in jail.

    likewise, the women accusing the current supreme court justice nominee of sexual crimes deserves to be heard, believed, and something needs to be done about it. otherwise we havent learned a damn thing.

  10. Sunday, September 23, 2018

    today was a crazy day 

    but it was also Sunday during the NFL season which meant all that mattered was one thing, and that is the Chicago Bears.

    i know i know im working on a secret project

    and the Repubs are trying to steamroll their naughty frat boy through the supreme court process

    but morrissey announced that joan jett would be opening for him at his show in LA Live

    and the Cubs beat the Sox

    and these Cocoa Pebbles are delicious

    and i did so much laundry

    and yesterday i watched this insane kirk douglas movie where he played this crazy reporter out in the desert and this guy was stuck in a mine and kirk coulda saved him right away but he wanted the story to go on and on

    and all these people showed up and there was a carnival and food and the train started stopping there

    and old kirk started saying super nice things about the sherriff so in return the sheriff blocked the other reporters from doing things and eventually just made kirk a deputy

    there is so much evil in the world. the bible tells us this too.

    so much evil in there that the good book says things like

    and then Ezekanazl was born and he did what was evil in the eyes of the Lord, as his father had done.

    even back then. the good old days. the days before all the minorities showed up and ruined things by working for super cheap (or free) and accepting the scraps as if they were gold. even then people in power were being super selfish and mean to the less fortunate.

    and every time a beggar asks me for money i think, am i being tested? and then i think, shit, they’re being tested and thats one i would fail: try to live in LA while being stinky and homeless and jobless and undereducated.

    oh it was crazy out there, all right.

    i read a bunch of Job and i dont know which way to go with it. he’s right to be pissed off, and his friends are right to tell him to trust God, but mama mia, theres another test i would fail and fail and fail.

    once upon a time someone tried to take stuff away from me and i tried to reason with him but then it appeared that people wanted him to take things from me and i was all, am i the crazy one then?

    so old Job must have thought, wait, i didnt do shit wrong, now my family dead, i got these bumps all over my face and my friends are saying i need to just put myself in time out. wtf is happening?

    and the bible says, tonight wasn’t crazy, every day is crazy.