nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, November 18, 2014

    The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014) 

    grand budapest

    “You see, there are still faint glimmers of civilization left in this barbaric slaughterhouse that was once known as humanity. Indeed that’s what we provide in our own modest, humble, insignificant… Oh, fuck it.”

  2. sometimes the well is dry 

    cobains journalssometimes the place where all the good stuff is fermenting is empty

    the moths are dead at the bottom

    the gnats are long gone

    even the dust has found a better place to settle.

    sometimes you look back in your online web log to see what you were doing 10, 11, 12 years ago and of course you were raising your fist at authority, screaming at the shadows, banging at the door

    dancing in the tournefortia.

    oh to be young and beautiful again. oh to have the adoration of thousands.

    bring be back to the days before facebook and twitter and paypal and instagram.

    back when blogs roamed the earth and ideas flowed as freely as love.

    remember when nba cheerleaders and their sisters would camp out waiting for their favorite blogger to get home from the busstop?

    remember how the southern girls would type letters in their bathtubs, ink smearing, misspelled words typed over with hashtags

    letters sealed with lipstick and drawings, phone calls with drawlings.

    thats where the well is.

    gurgling well well well

    whispering al gore

    is dead

    coughing up dust

    ask the dust

    it’ll tell u

    ask it

  3. i have two cats. one loves me, the other is a cat. 

    this is perfect training for the multiple wives i always feared id have.

    the one who loves me is named Prince and he comes bounding from whereever he is when he hears my door squeak open.

    he snaps awake from a nap and waltzes off the couch when the keys to the front door clatter as i come home from work

    he lets me hold him in any position, he falls asleep in my lap, and he sits on the sink as i shower occasionally leaping off to play soccer with a bottle cap.

    right now he’s licking the head of his stuck up sister, Michael who likes to distance herself from us and judge from afar. as if she’s waiting for her real family to pick her up.

    prince sleeps at night on a pillow next to my bedroom door. michael sleeps in a different place in the house every night. one night atop the fridge. one night on the office chair. one night in the drawer of stock dividends. one night on the fuzzy shower carpet.

    i try to give her as much attention as him because i dont want her to think that her behavior is acceptable. shes a cat. its her job to be cute, play with her brother, and get pet. it is not her job to scratch the tv when she sees something move.

    dont make me blow your minds with the laser pointer dot THAT YOU WILL NEVER CATCH.


    the only time i receive their undivided attention is when i am going through boxes trying to organize my hoarding stash. they will climb into the box they will get thrown across the room onto the couch. they will return in seconds, back in the box.

    thus the only time to do anything productive is when theyre asleep. which is often, but the rustle of anything is music to their ears and they wake, yawn stretch, and eye the mysterious box and jump in it.

    so i walk into the bathroom, they follow, and then i shut them in there. where they stay until ive done whatever task needs done.

    i do love them but do you know what i love even more?

    tidy cat kitty litter.

    normal kitty litter has a chemically ammonia smell, and it causes a mess.

    tidy cat absorbs the liquid and turns it into a cube of hardened piss.

    a pee cube.

    it smells nice, it comes in easy to pour jugs, and the cashier at the supermarket winks at you when you buy them.

    the other day they had a huge sale on them and i bought four jugs

    and i love them even more than i love my cats.

    they dont eat much and they leave me be.

    cant say that about too many things these days.

  4. Monday, November 17, 2014

    really good weekend, super fun ubering, and then resting 

    jeaninebut probably the best thing that happened this weekend was getting to visit Jeanine.

    she is holed up in a secret xbi training center to work on her exhaustion.

    as you know the agency loves to poison us. sometimes they over do it.

    the way i combat it is to eat a ton of junk food. the preservatives and chemicals counteract the weirdness that they subversively give us and it all balances out.

    poor jeanine though eats well, and when the xbi did what they did to her, over years and years, it eventually wore her out.

    a month ago she was taken away and only recently was she able to receive guests and i am very glad to announce that she is doing so well, theres so much more life back in her eyes and heart and spirit. it was an absolute joy to spend an hour with her.

    funny thing about her, you can always tell how she is doing from her hair.

    saturday her hair was silky smooth and happy and bright and sparkling.

    she wanted to tell me all the stories about the other agents she is rehabbing with but i was all, there is no such thing as the xbi

    and for sure there is no such thing as agents who arent at 100%.

    she was all omg, but these people are sooooo fascinating!

    i was like, just tell me about you, what have you learned, what did you go through, how did you like the books i snuck in?

    so we talked and talked and someone recognized me and i said hi and they said you know if you wanted to drive jeanine around for a few minutes i’ll look the other way

    and quickly we hopped into my car and i said so what do you want to eat?

    she said, something healthy

    i said you can have anything in the world and you want an apple? how about some taco bell or jack in the box or a burrito from a truck. and she smiled and said, thats your technique, i like healthy good things. in fact im thinking about being a cook here, full time, like forever.

    it was so sweet. your girl is totally back. in such a short period of time. it was so good. sooooo good. so thank you for your good thoughts. they worked!

  5. Friday, November 14, 2014

    of course sad things happen to me, but 

    tears on my pillowthere was a time when i would write sad things and for a little while i was the sad poetry world champion writer of all time.

    for some reason i thought it was cathartic. or Real. or true.

    inspired by Springsteens “The River” album and song, it was my belief that a real writer expressed his emotions, all of his emotions right out there on the page and blah blah blah.

    but what happened was the darker i wrote the sadder i got and it was a very slipper slope. which is one reason i try not to get too morose on the busblog or negative or angry.

    because really what am i saying when i do that: wahhhh i’m not getting all the things i want in life. waaahhhh i deserve better.

    the truth is im the luckiest bald man in hollywood. i have miraculously good health, i look 10 years younger than i am. i am surrounded with great friends. and i have two fun jobs that i love love love. any little bump in the road is just that: little. move on, whiner.

    yesterday my maid came after 2-3 months of not being here. for a while i had jeanine on my couch and she would clean but it wasnt like maid-clean. then jeanine left and amber broke up with me and i was all f this apartment. let the mess grow!

    which the kittens loved because kittens are basically rats with cuter fur. so they would roll in the ripped open newspaper bags and explore through the mountains of paper bags and hide beneath piles of dirty clothes. and play soccer with dust devils.

    all of that came to an end yesterday after i paid my maid double to unbury me from my crud.

    and it feels glorious.

    and i have almost forgotten the uber ride i made yesterday where i drove 10 minutes to wait 10 minutes to pick up a wealthy man who appeared to be an athlete, so i could drive him THREE BLOCKS so he could get a subway sandwich which he asked me to WAIT for him to get so i could drive him back three blocks to his luxury beverly hills apartment. the total trip on the clock was 15 minutes. but in reality it was 25 minutes of which i made, net, $5.

    pretty sure Uber doesnt read the busblog, which is a shame because i am amazing and my tips are priceless but heres two suggestions for the multi billion dollar company who would prefer that their drivers dont lose their minds and go apeshit on passengers who request such soul sucking trips.

    if a ride is during “surge” as this one was, and it amounts to less than a $10 far, as this one did, Uber should give their commission to the driver as a courtesy including the $1 “safe rider fee”. that way drivers don’t verbally abuse the passenger for being a lazy bastard (which i didnt, but my ESP sure did) and so they don’t quit this unprofitable gig after more and more $6 and $7 rides that account for an increasingly larger portion of our nights and days.

    fortunately i got a longer ride later in the night of three european gents who wanted to talk soccer and baseball the whole time which i reluctantly did, but of course when they asked me why the States isnt into soccer, i replied “big ball, huge net, yawn.”

    install a tip button into the app, Uber.

  6. Thursday, November 13, 2014
  7. today is my one year anniversary at the academy 


    you never know how life is gonna work out, but it usually does.

    me and jobs. man. on the scoreboard things go well. i try to be nice and lovely to everyone. jokes, stories.

    i try to live by the example that we can kick all our competitors’ butts, etc.

    but after a while i end up on the street. it’s so weird. who did i piss off?

    maybe no one. maybe it was all the stars above saying oh crap, tony needs to be at the academy, dont let him get too comfortable over at the radio station, or newspaper, or tv station.

    or maybe all of those experiences were perfect for what i get to do now, which is communicate digitally through various avenues.

    all i know is im so happy, so stoked, so grateful.

    mostly im grateful to work with the brilliant team i get to be with every day.


    whats it like at the oscars? you think you know everything about an event youve seen every year,

    but until you’re right there, backstage, or in front of these moviemakers, you realize… i realized, theres a lot more to it.

    emotions, absolute joy, coolnessness.

    the pretty dresses and tuxes all blur, but you can see the auras pretty plainly and often they are glorious.

    it’s also fascinating to watch a telecast that really has no peers.

    there’s nothing in the world like the Oscars.


    but what i never realized was how many events the academy hosts outside of the big  show.

    fascinating discussions based around movies that changed everything.

    movies that still hold up 20, 30, 50 years later.

    movies i’ve never seen before. people ive never heard of. stories i didnt know existed.

    techniques for telling those stories. costumes, cinematography, sounds

    and one great thing about being at many of these events is you learn so much.

    you hear how all these creative and determined people dealt with politics and technology, and egos and limitations.

    everyone has limitations. everyone has pressures. even the rich and beautiful and successful. everyone.

    say what?



    this year i even had an incredibly bittersweet stroke of success

    which was  a total team effort, as most successes are.

    but heartbreaking all at the same time.

    and as emotional as that was,

    i can’t wait to see what this year brings.

  8. Wednesday, November 12, 2014

    is the Internet screwed? no. just the American Internet 

    obama with FCC chairman Wheeler

    all over the world, the web is fine, because in most parts of the world big business isn’t treated like Royalty.

    here in the home of the brave, there’s a political party that pretends that if giant conglomerates aren’t allowed to

    do whatever they damn well please

    then all the jobs will disappear.

    we quickly forget that all of these businesses began as start-ups that filled a hole in the market.

    Apple didn’t need any special treatment when it was competing against IBM, Microsoft, Xerox and countless other giants.

    Apple, omg, invented shit, stuck to their principles of innovation, and for decades struggled before they broke out.

    Now they’re bigger than big, mightier than anyone, and the hottest store in every mall lucky enough to have them.

    Time Warner, Comcast, AT&T and all these other Internet providers and cable companies lie right to our faces

    and tell us that if they are not allowed to slow down web speeds to smaller companies like Netflix and programs like BitTorrent

    then their businesses will falter and omg jobs jobs jobs and profits will magically evaporate.

    now there are a lot of things i like about our president. he turned around the economy

    millions of people now have healthcare. the stock market is breaking records every day.

    and he seems to give a shit about the environment.

    but when he fucks up he does so in such a huge way it’s like he made some weird deal with the GOP

    “i’ll throw you a bone, no matter what it is, a few times a year.”

    even though all they do is try to cockblock him Every. Chance. They. Can.

    for some hairbrained reason Obama named the BFF of the cable industry as the head of the FCC.

    Some douche named Wheeler.

    Wheeler is not going to have some amazing revelation in the near future.

    He’s not going to tell all of his country club brethren that they’re going to have to stop throttling the web.

    He’s going to lie and say he wants to listen to both sides.

    And then he’s going to do exactly what we know he’s going to do.

    Why? Because he is a Scorpion and we are Frogs.

    He can’t help it.

    He and all of his friends are addicted to money.

    And the people who keep voting for this nonsense are addicted to fear and ignorance.

    But I’m not angry. And do you know why?

    Because you cannot stop American ingenuity, particularly when porn is involved.

    The web will be fast one day because teenage boys, the keys to digital technology, won’t stand for slow connections

    to see boobs.

    bless their hearts.

  9. The New York Times reviews “Male and Female” nearly 100 years ago 

    male and female

    Of course, if any one is profoundly impressed by the solemn assurance that the best looking, most competent man and the prettiest girl of a party shipwrecked on an island will, in two years, gravitate toward each other, regardless of the fact that in England one was a butler and the other a “lady,” for that one “Male and Female” is apocalyptic. But the same person should ponder deeply over the revelation that two and two make four.

    - NY Times, November 24, 1919

  10. first things first im the fakest 

    madonna like a virginthirty years ago today madonnas like a virgin came out.

    somehow i had a giant poster of it on my bedroom wall.

    somehow i was invited to live in the house the wall belonged to.

    i was going to junior college at the time and working at a record store for $4 an hour.

    and somehow i was asked to move out of the home so that the teenage swedish nanny could take possession of the room

    and i could fuck off and find my first apartment – even though i was only making $4 an hour and going to college

    had i done anything wrong to incur such a drastic change? no. was i doing drugs or drinking or raising hell or having drunken friends over to all hours of the night? of course not. i was new to california, and LA, and i barely knew anybody.

    i actually was a virgin.

    it was not really the sort of thing one expects from the person one is named after and his new wife to do to a teenager, but as they say shit happens

    and it all happened as madonna looked down at me from the wall

    thirty years ago.

    the good book says we are supposed to forgive. i forgave.

    the lord says we’re supposed to turn the other cheek. which i did. and there could be worse things than being forced to move to a cockroach and flea infested apartment a few blocks from the ocean in venice beach in the mid 80s.

    but then more crappy things happened and the forgivenesses ran out.

    and i started to learn that some people are just selfish and they cause more stress to my heart than i want.

    life is short.

    we will make it through the wilderness.

    somehow we will make it through.

    but theres no reason to keep going back just because we’re too cowardly to see if we can go it alone.

    first things first, we are never alone.

    not with Jesus

    and madonna

    and momma.