nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, July 18, 2014
  2. Thursday, July 17, 2014
  3. a dear friend is arriving into town. she asked me for somewhere fancy to stay 

    mary pickford

    she said she also preferred a location where there would be good celebrity watching.

    i gave her some recommendations by the beach and in hollywood. she asked me about downtown.

    this is what i said:

    DTLA is not fancy. It’s dirty and worn and experiencing a very slow revitalization.

    In the day it looks like Tijuana on steroids.

    At night it looks like NYC having a hangover.

    There is one exception, hotel wise, in DTLA: The Millennium Biltmore, which is also old. So old the first Academy Awards were held there. They even have a tea room. The rooms are small and zero celebs go there unless they’re doing a photo shoot for Vanity Fair (bc the architecture inside and out is Victorian and beautiful.

    she said perfect! we just booked a room at the Ace! see you soon!

    and that’s why i’ll never write a tour book.

  4. sometimes i think im the greatest stock trader in the universe 

    michael jackson with a fourtyi’ll do something daring like buy american apparel when theyre as low as sixty nine cents

    and i’ll say to myself, they own the factory, they own the stores, theres no middle man, how on earth could this not be a winner.

    and then the visionary founder will find himself in hot water with the board that he hand picked and they’ll do something loco like boot him out.

    and then he’ll get investors to give him tons of cash to buy more of the company

    and then another group of investors will pump money into it

    and then all of a sudden the stock is double

    and then i’ll sell cuz mama mia any time your investment doubles: sell and buy something else with lots of potential.

    and i’ll look back at what i just did and i’ll think im the greatest stock trader in the universe.

    and then i’ll consider buying IBM because theyre gonna partner with apple on some apps

    and i’ll think im the dumbest stock trader in the universe.

    and then i’ll find a photo of michael jackson drinking a bottle of vodka and i’ll say to myself post this on the world famous blahblog so you’ll never forget

    that sometimes the most talented people can be so weird

    and unless you can moonwalk, youre better off not being so weird.

  5. Wednesday, July 16, 2014

    ive got a buddy who’s pregnant and the bb is now overdue 

    sweet candleok fine HE’S not pregnant nor does he say “we’re pregnant”

    but you get the idea: his beautiful better half is about to pop and the due date has come and gone.

    i told him i’d light a candle for him

    but the truth is theres only two ways a candle gets lit in Casa Busblog

    1. i didnt realize i put a banana in my sock draw a week ago and now ive got a fruit fly convention in the crib

    2. a fancy lingerie model wants to “set the mood” before giving me a fashion show.

    3. someone destroyed the lavatory and opening a window isn’t doing it.

    so here’s an animated GIF (hard G) for my buddy, his wife, and their forthcoming dependent.

    if i was the baby id be dragging my feet too, but at some point we all have to enter the void.

    or in this infant’s case – exit it.

    bonne chance, mi amigo.

    the best thing about being born right now is you wont have to wait very long to see the Cubs in the World Series.

    which is probably why if it’s a boy you should be named Banks.

    or Starlin Castro.

  6. every writers goal shouldnt be to write three good books like bukowski 


    it should be to write one good one.

    like a really good one.

    one thats more about all of us instead of just you.

    one that future Tumblr kids can quote on their hologram blogs.

    one that has meaning and surprises and is edgy and woulda gotten banned just like all the other great banned books.

    one thats so good you need to write it under a fake name because it tells all the juicy stuff thats still juicy long after youre dead.

    lets say you had a grandpa and hes long gone and you get a package one day from the people who now own his house

    and they send you an old golden paged diary with a note:

    we found this in our attic. it belonged to your relative. its so personal and good we dont feel right keeping it.

    we googled you and found how to get this to you.

    we promise we didnt read too much. sorry.

    and when you read it you’re all GRAMPA!

    thats the book we should be writing right now.

  7. Tuesday, July 15, 2014
  8. we only have one life 


    live it the way you want it lived


    have a critical mind but dont be cynical


    believe in people, because people can usually surprise you in great ways


    and dont talk on the telephone during lightening storms

    - things my mother has taught me

  9. a bit muggy in LA yesterday so i wanted to change after work 

    flag at the los feliz post office

    i have this theory about LACMA on the miracle mile: people around there loooove using uber.

    i have another theory about that area: because it’s central, you never know where people are going to ask you to take them.

    people on the wessside are in their beach bubble. same for those in weho.

    lots of drivers dont like going to DTLA because many of the rides are to other parts of DTLA.

    but right around Park La Brea the rides can shoot off into any part of town. which i love.

    got out of work, parked by the LACMA park, made sure i had water for the passengers, wrote down my mileage in my little book, replied to a personal email and boom got pinged.

    the rider ended up being a stand up comedian from Australia. from Brisbane.

    i was all, my favorite aussie band (other than AC/DC) is from Brisbane. ever hear of The Grates, i ask him?

    i’d say only about 1/3 of the aussies i talk to have heard of them, they’re a small band but they had some hits.

    because life is beautiful he had heard of them, he had done stand up at their Tea Room

    and best of all he wanted to go to a club about a mile from my house.

    so basically i was driving home with a good guy and getting paid $18 for the privilege.

    no ones getting rich being an uber driver, and it’s not making anyone quit their day job

    but that weird hippie dream of “one less car” is a possibility especially when i was hoping to go that way anyway.

    we listened to AC/DC and talked about Aussie Rules Football, a sport he played a few years back.

    he told me the NFL likes to recruit punters from Australia who have played Aussie Rules.

    got home, changed, ate a little, texted a pretty girl who texted me right back.


    drove over to universal amphitheater and saw there was already an uber at the turnaround

    so i camped out by the hotels and continued texting her.

    ive never been bad at phone conversations but thank you al gore for texting.

    she sent me some pictures and said some things and whats this a beep.

    a gentleman from down the hill at the metro station was requesting a ride.

    we went to burbank. he works at a a high end department store, in the mens section.

    i said, i dont dont wanna buy a blazer, but im 187 years old, i probably need one at my age.

    he said yep, we have blazers startin at $550 going up to $5,000.

    i said, maybe i dont need a blazer. he said, you can get one at H&M for $99

    then get some good shoes, a white dress shirt, and some clean jeans and youre set.

    then i got a big guy who said today was his Sunday.

    i said you must love football season then because Sundays are your Saturdays.

    he said, well, i try to lay low and spend as little money as possible.

    which was a little confusing because why wasnt he taking the bus then?

    dropped him off near the 5 and didnt feel like driving any more.

    went home, met the new neighbors, swimsuit models, passed out with all the lights on.

  10. Monday, July 14, 2014

    saturday night in hermosa 

    usc quarterback

    didnt mean to be in hermosa again on saturday night but you learn not to fight the tides.

    veteran nfl linebacker had me go from downtown to marina del rey and then later that night picked up usc’s backup qb and his sorta drunk posse. and it was on.

    until i got beeped by a young lady in redondo. 16. quiet. at some point she asked me my name.

    george washington carver.

    she was sad so i asked her why. terrible question.

    turned out she is a high school student and she was over at a friends house because one of their friends died

    that morning.

    they had rented a double decker bus to celebrate something and the friend was on the top deck

    and got a little crazy and raised his arms up as they were going under and overpass

    and it hit him harder than he was expecting and he died.

    she said he was one of those magic special kids that everyone loved.

    i didnt know what to say. everything i said was the wrong thing.

    i said in my high school graduating class no one had died all four years and the final quarter we were all scared.

    and then when it never happened some of us said, do we even exist? are we ghosts?

    are we vampires?

    what ever i said seemed ok to her. she told me thank you when i dropped her off but i felt bad i couldnt help.

    then right away someone else beeped me. four people

    all with cups of mixed drinks. i said im sorry you’ll have to pound those before we get going.

    the dude said, thats ok i’m going to cancel this. im not going to rush my drink before we go to the bar.

    and thats exactly why so many drivers dont like to go to hermosa.