nothing in here is true

  1. Saturday, November 25, 2017

    I get upset easily 

    I have a short fuse. Especially with those closest to me. Which is crazy because those are the best ppl. Why am I like this?

    It’s a terrible condition. I can be so cool, so sweet to strangers in my uber but with ppl who actually know me and Still love me I can be so pouty

    and bratty

    and demanding

    and snotty it’s ridiculous.

    This has to change.

    But I’m not sure how to do it other than seeing a shrink

    and I’m too cheap for that.

    Plus where does that end.

    I’d tell her to read this blog but nothing in here is true other than the uber and the xbi but that’ll distract her

    and then I’ll be pouty with her.

    Seeing a movie tonight.

    Hopefully we both don’t fall asleep first.

  2. sometimes you just drive 

    and the weathers right

    and your car is just floating a little

    and you think, it’s good to have a good car.

    sometimes the radio will play something good

    and unexpected

    like dinosaur jr or janes addiction

    or an old metallica tune will remind you of where



    i was on the radio the other day and the person asked me

    if the fcc destroys net neutrality

    what do you think will happen?

    i said, there was this character in the Firefly movie, Serenity, named Mr. Universe.  he was a reclusive tech nerd who lived on an empty moon with his smoking hot robot “wife”, Lenore.  he was maybe the smartest guy around. so when someone asked him about the bad guys trying to “stop the signal”,

    Mr. Universe said, “you can’t stop the signal.”

    when Uber started appearing in cities, people saw it’s glorious value and unlike many new things, politicians got out of the way because The People were not going to be without decent transportation at the right price.

    The People will not be without fast Internet at a reasonable price.

    the web is not a red blue thing. the web is for everyone.

    not only will the offending ISPs and the politicians who support them go down, but new ISPs will sprout up and leapfrog today’s giants.

    where there is darkness, comes the light.

    and then we took calls.

  3. Thursday, November 23, 2017

    happy thanksgiving to you and yours 

    for the last several dozen decades i have looked at things that i am thankful for as things pertaining to *me*

    things like job, cars, health, the cubs, are any hot babes loving me, all the things

    but this morning i got a text from my mom and it nearly broke my heart.

    she was happy to have a job but she didn’t want to have to go to work, she wanted to be cooking and watching football and doting on her grand kids.

    but during the Great GOP Recession, just like tons of people, her retirement was wiped out and here she is working for The Man for peanuts on a day she would rather be watching the Macy’s Parade.

    so i am not thankful. i am determined. i need to do something serious so my mom can finally retire.

    and sadly it’s not drive more trips for Uber + Lyft.

    or is it?

    no, it’s not.

    OR IS IT?

    i need to write a script and sell it.

    i gotta learn how to write a script.

    and i know exactly the story i wanna tell: the time Joe got busted in Isla Vista

    music by The Wonderfuls, The Ramones, Rogue Cheddar, Pink Floyd, Mons Pubis, PMS, and Janes Addiction.

    it’ll be called Damn Those Shrooms Strong

  4. Wednesday, November 22, 2017

    danielle in san diego asks 

    my love,

    Why do churches have so many white vans? What are they for? Why white and completely non descript.

    It’s suspect.

    To say the least.

    lovely danielle,

    theres an office building on sunset near the beverly hills line in west hollywood. it overlooks bootsy bellows.

    i got a ping today and the passenger was in front and i tried to make a u-turn but i ended up being forced to go into the parking structure, getting a little ticket but then making the u-turn and hoping that there would be no charge, there wasn’t, and finally exiting and seeing her there.

    she was in her 60s, platinum hair. law professor out here on vacation.

    as she talked i thought i heard something.

    do i detect a midwest accent? i asked.

    i’m from chicago, she said. i turned around my cap and said, did you see this?

    she laughed. no, i missed that. and we were off.

    i asked her if she went to the cubs victory parade, she said, not only that but my husband and i went to a world series game.

    it was hot today. 85 or so. the AC was on and when she said that i turned it down one tick so i could hear her clearly.

    he said, im gonna do it. i said if you do don’t tell me any of the details, she said.

    i said, tickets were four thousand dollars. each.

    she said, i told him and now i will tell you, do not tell me the details.

    she laughed.

    later i asked her something about her husband and she paused and said, he’s passed now.

    but he had a long life and got to see the Cubs win the world series after all.

    churches have white vans so they can go to baseball games undercover when they should be doing something dumb like buying wholesale incense.

  5. Tuesday, November 21, 2017

    is everything terrible 

    will the sun come out ever again

    will the moon rise?

    do the birds even wanna chirp chirp chirp in the morning for us

    do we even deserve it?

    CBS the Morning was my jam, it woke me up.

    i loved it because there wasn’t any fucking bullshit in there.

    it was gale and nora and old man charlie rose

    and charlie had seen it all so he sat there a little slumped over, smiling , cute little southern drawl slipping out

    and nora and gayle pretended to flirt with him every now and then

    sometimes theyd bring in the new kids from different CBS news shows but no one wanted them around.

    i loved how only now and then all three were there.

    i loved how one of them was always on vacation.

    i loved it because it made me thing, i wanna be super famous one day.

    so famous that i get to take vacations every six weeks.

    yesterday charlie wasn’t there and that was ok with me.

    but last night we learned why. we learned that Charlie liked to invite female staffers to his home in long island

    and then casually walk around naked. allegedly.

    one woman said he reached down in her dress and she cried the whole time.


    will the stars ever twinkle again?

    are me and my friends the only gentlemen alive?

    are we from a faraway land where we feel slightly ashamed of our not 20yearold bodies

    and thus we would never invite a super model we barely know to watch us shower

    and we would be heartbroken if we made anyone cry.

    at our house.

    in long island.


    and allegedly.

    and all



  6. Sunday, November 19, 2017

    toughest question I was asked all week 

    A very well meaning gentleman was tasked to help me on a project

    he said can you draw it up for me.

    I said no problem and in minutes I had it sketched out on a yellow legal pad using a blue pen

    then he said the most curious thing. He said can you show me an example somewhere where someone else had done it?

    I said have you ever met anyone like me?

    I asked in your whole life how many xbi agents have you met?

    even among uber drivers how many uber drivers do you know like me?

    I said I am here to do

    New Things

    Big things

    Cool things.

    Things that if they had been done already, I wouldn’t be interested in.

    No this hasn’t existed before and that’s why people are going to love it.

    He asked well what about that saying that there’s nothing new under the sun?

    I said I want you to listen to Pink Floyd’s greatest hits.

    Yes there were guitars and bass and drums and vocals and saxophones before Pink Floyd

    But there wasn’t Pink Floyd before or since.

    And that’s what we should all strive for: to express our own unique freakiness that never was before we got here.

    And one way to get there is to find the gaps where no ones ever been before.

    And trust me, the audience will follow us there.

  7. Saturday, November 18, 2017

    bon, who hadnt seen malcolm since 1980, gave him a hug 

    a nice long one.

    malcolm had been suffering for years of dementia

    which is torture for a creative soul.

    bon was all, i wanna introduce you to someone

    and there he was, jimi hendrix

    who handed him a thick 1949 Gibson ES-175, the first Gibson electric guitar to feature a Florentine cutaway beneath the neck, giving easy access to all 20 frets.

    it also had a carved rosewood bridge.

    the men plugged into three story high marshall stacks.

    john bonham sat down behind the drums

    and lemmy strapped on his bass.

    bon counted it out and they broke into Highway to Hell

    sarcastically, since they were in Heaven. surrounded by all the greats, many of whom always loved AC/DC and malcolm’s contribution to music, not just rock or hard rock, but damn good music you sing along to in the car

    or scream at the football game.

    shy little malcolm young, long hair over his eyes, peeks up every now and then watching the angels and saints

    tap their feet

    and welcome one of their own,


  8. Wednesday, November 15, 2017

    and another one 

    last night around 4am i woke up because i was having pains in my lower back and i had a shortness of breath.

    i went to the bathroom but i knew what it was, especially when i couldn’t pee: kidney stones.


    i fuddled around my pad trying to prepare for the super long wait in the ER and doing my best not to wake up Amber. but i failed at everything.

    i couldn’t find my sweat pants, i couldn’t find my cubs knit hat and i disturbed the pretty girl, who then put on her clothes and walked me to Kaiser Permanente, where i had delivered my previous two stones.

    that’s right, in four years working for the Academy, i have now had three kidney stones.

    i try to be a cool customer, and most of the time i pull it off but the two block walk was endless. every step hurt and when we finally made it to the hospital and they told us to go upstairs and walk to the ER i began crying.

    for so many reasons.

    the biggest reason is i know what is needed to end the pain: heroin. they dont call it that in the hospital, they call it Demerol or Morphine or some other less hysterical name but it’s heroin and once they inject it into you, your body relaxes, you get super pukey, and then you drift off into a beautiful daze.

    but when you enter the hospital, if you mention pain killers even once, the machine stops and you will be delayed your sweet reward for at least an hour. trust me, i know.

    so you suck it up. and it makes you cry because if you are someone like me who is not shy about communication, it kills you not to say, “please just one shot in the ass and we can do all the other things.”  because if you say that they think you’re an addict and uggggghhhhh.

    we get to the window and thank God i was already in the system due to the previous visits and Lord Above they don’t make me do any paperwork. Also, blessings upon blessings, theres only one other person in the entire waiting room.

    so a nurse hooks me up to the blood pressure machine and murphys law it doesnt seem to wanna work so im moaning and crying and writhing around in the seat. inside all i want to do is say “BRO MY BLOOD PRESSURE IS 1000 over 10 million, lets make this happen!” but you have to be cool.

    and cry. just keep crying. just let it out, which is just as bad as the pain for me because why am i crying? im crying because this is death. i am totally out of control, i am at the mercy of people who are up at 4am who cant even get their GD blood pressure machine to work and im gonna die right there on Sunset Blvd. im crying because no doctor or specialist has been able to tell me how to avoid this. im crying because theres a pretty girl listening to me not be cool.

    my BP is 178 over 125. HAPPY EVERYONE?

    they take me to room 10. amber helps me out of my shirt. im laying on the gurney and im just moaning like a bear who has been shot in the fucking head but he aint dead yet. theres a few other people in this part of the ER and because i am highly sensitive in all areas at this point i can hear them all saying, what the hells wrong with that guy?

    and fortunately Amber parts the curtains and very politely asks a nurse, can we do something about this pain?


    then the longest ten minutes in human history passed and finally a nurse came in with a cocktail of morphine, anti-puke meds, high blood pressure pills, and a shot of rum.

    it cut right through the pain. but naggingly it was still there. they asked me to pee, and i peed. lawdy lawdy did i pee.

    i peed so much i felt like maybe the stone was gone. but no i could still feel it. so they took me to the cat scan where i met a man who looked like all my relatives. and it turned out he was from DC. so we chatted, and took a picture together but when i got up i doubled over.

    then a nurse came in and asked what the pain level was. i said it was a 10 then a 2 now we are back up to 8. and they gave me another dose of morphine and i drifted into a nether land.

    before i floated too far, i said, amber, if i fall asleep just go home. youve been awake since 4:20, no need for you to soldier through this. but she went to starbucks and came back. i had a phone that could get tv shows. she wasnt interested and soon the doc said i was free to go.

    but life isnt fair and the hospital pharmacy doesn’t allow me to get drugs there so we took a Lyft to the Walgreens a few miles away. and i felt so good.


    i felt like i had delivered a baby and it had already graduated college.

    the contrast between ultimate pain and a quick lack of pain was bizarre and slightly unnerving. how can we feel like we are going to die at 6am but at 9am alls kool and the gang? got the meds, took one of the pain pills and drifted off again.

    and then slept and slept.

    so whats the lesson: simple. always have a little stash of heroin around the house just incase.


    tomorrow morning i have to be in santa monica at 8:30am to fight a traffic ticket. i wonder if i pass out.

  9. Tuesday, November 14, 2017

    this is a real place on a real day now, here 

    you are a real person, living in this real place, and just as beautiful.

    your mom carried you around in her belly, she fed you before you were born.

    she took care of you after and after and after and after

    all the wise men traveled to see you, the cows mooed and the donkeys said hi

    above the angels cooed, the stars twinkled and the clouds parted so we could all see better

    not because you were capable of magic

    but because you just being here, all by itself is a reflection of the best magic of all

    the miracle of life.

    when your jeans rip or you slip on ice or lose your phone on a snowy day

    it’s ok

    because those wise men are still bearing gifts, the angels are still in awe

    and the good Lord is still bragging, quietly to himself, saying

    look what I made.

    and smiling.

  10. thank you Rise, wherever you are 

    when i was in high school i took an Iowan college up on an offer to visit their school.

    a bus drove around suburban Illinois picking up kids like us who had signed up to spend the night in Cornell College. on the bus i saw two beautiful young ladies, Rise (pictured, left) and her best friend Tracy (not pictured). i enjoyed the college but i knew i was probably going to come to LA for my studies.

    so before we got on the bus for the long ride back to Illinois i made sure that i sat near the two pretty girls, and i succeeded. not only that but we all hit it off. Tracy and Rise didn’t go to Cornell either, they chose, instead a school in Wisconsin. Since these were the days before the internet (!), we wrote letters back and forth and occasionally i called Tracy because i had, what the kids called, the hot for her, which i no disrespect to Rise who had the bluest eyes ive ever seen.

    one day Rise told me she was going to spend a semester in Switzerland and i should visit her. i laughed it off because i was 20. who goes to Europe when they’re 20 simply because they were invited? i was selling TVs in west LA and i was doing pretty well at it. one thing led to another and i found myself not going to UCSB right away. i had 4 months to think about the bad job i had done at Santa Monica College.

    so i wrote Rise and said, see you at the Swiss Army Knife Store! and i went to Europe for the first time and it changed my life. one thing i learned was travel is relatively inexpensive. another thing was that people around the world understand American politics better than most Americans. “Foreigners” are able to see past the racism that is intertwined within US politics and question it. miraculously. it made me feel guilty that i wasn’t as educated in politics as much as i should be.

    from that trip i started subscribing to newspapers because all the smart people i met read at least one paper and often three. subsequently, each time i have visited europe i found that my first trip wasn’t unusual: europeans not only know US politics inside and out, but they also know their own, brilliantly. they also know several languages, how to drink, and how dangerous guns are in society.

    looking back at this, now 30 years later, i feel so blessed that i went on that bus to a college i knew i was never going to attend, and had the courage to chat up the two hottest babes on that bus, and was in the position to be able to visit Rise (and her super cool friend Ae) in Switzerland, a trip that led me to visit several other countries on that journey… because it deeply shaped me as an adult. and i am so grateful. sooooo grateful.