nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, December 11, 2014
  2. Wednesday, December 10, 2014

    how monicas mom is partially responsible for the world famous busblog 

    monicamany moons ago, long before i was lured by the underground santa barbara mafia, the xbi, i was a mere high school lad with an afro.

    on my first day of school i was nervous beyond belief for i had known all of my friends since kindegarten and never had problems finding amigos since i was the one newbies had to meet, not vice versa.

    the year all of our little junior highs merged into one huge supergroup, i was scared for several reasons. at the top was the fact that being one of a handful of black kids in a school of 100 was difficult, but not impossible. but being one of 1,000 was daunting to say the least.

    but then first period of my first class on my first day the prettiest girl i could ever imagine sat next to me and introduced herself as monica. i could barely get a hello out from my braces but after we did we became super close friends for the next four years.

    not only was she easy on the eyes but she was super smart and played clarinet in illinois’ best high school marching band. eventually she would convince me to join my senior year and it turned out to be my favorite part of my whole high school experience.

    next to sitting next to her of course.

    these were the days before cell phones and the internet and text messages and skype but there was electricity and landline telephones. and one of the things that i will never forget is trying to call monica at her home and having to deal with the family’s call screener, her mother, a very stern German woman who saw no good in young boys phoning up her eldest daughter, and made it known if not verbally, psychically.

    still we would chat and quickly the conversation would be interrupted, which was ok, because it would lead me to write her all sorts of notes in school, including stories and perverted poems and drawings, which later would lead me to a life of writing on blogs like this one.

    often for pay!

    so thank you monica’s mom, my success in the creative arts, is due, in part to you and your (rightfully) protective behavior.

    first day of high schoolbecause of the work i was forced to do via the xbi, i was forbidden to go to any high school reunions or keep in touch with anyone from my innocent past. but thanks to the miracle of facebook, i have been able to catch a glimpse of what has been going on with my longest friend bob, a few of my fellow general managers, and this pal or that. a few christmases ago i even got to reunite with a high school crush who first turned me onto led zep.

    when i returned to LA the xbi reminded me of how dangerous that was and i agreed and reluctantly passed on a milestone reunion a few months ago when i was in my old hometown.

    of the few people i would have loved to have seen was my dear friend monica, who reached out to me yesterday on facebook by friending me. i had no idea she was even on facebook, nor did i have any clue that she has blossomed into an even prettier version of what i remember.

    but what i really remember from being one of her bffs during those super important adolescent years is how important real friends are. monica was as genuine as could be, honest, sincere, and sweet. there was never anything up her sleeve, she was a good sport, and she was everything you’d expect from a midwestern girl who would commute to downtown a few times a month with her hot friend sonja to go to German class.

    one reason i’m rarely without my Cubs hat is to remind the xbi that no matter what ive done with them or what they hope to do with me, at heart i am a goofy midwestern boy with a dirty story to slip your way when you least expect it on the bus on the way to winning best in state. inspired and encouraged by mythical babes like monica.

    photos: above: monica today. below: me on my first day of high school 

  3. Tuesday, December 9, 2014

    ernest hemingway + ava gardner 



    While staying with Hemingway at his villa in San Francisco de Paula in Havana, Cuba,
    Gardner once swam alone with no bathing suit in his pool.

    After watching her, Hemingway ordered his staff:
    “The water is not to be emptied”.

  4. might need to do something different over the winter break 


    not sure what it is.

    maybe write.

    maybe not.

    maybe just drive drive drive.

    did that over thanksgiving and all i did was make money and get sore arms.

    maybe redecorate the crib.

    but we are hearing a rock club is opening up next door, which would be horrible

    theres already no parking, now its gonna be loud till 2am

    no one wants that.

    not sure what i can do thats differnt except write a novel.

    or a tell all.

    or a tell nothing.

    id really prefer to write some art.

    art is the only thing that calms the savage beast.

  5. Monday, December 8, 2014

    today is bree’s birthday, she’s 24 


    there are many reasons to love bree but the best is because she’s one of the few remaining

    real bloggers in the world.

    many have dropped off the face of the world and that’s sad.

    but whats super great about bree is not only is she still blogging but she’s more honest and critical and insightful than ever.

    which isnt easy. especially when some of the people you’re blogging about are reading you.

    whether it is work people, friends, boyfriends, whoever, if bree has an opinion about them she will let it out.

    we need more of this.

    i need to be more like this.

    tonight bree is having a birthday party in a sweet spot but sadly i cant make it because of

    xbi commitments, but i will make it up to her very soon

    tonight she will be surrounded by many of her friends, they will take outrageous photo booth pics

    and eat pizza and celebrate this very special young lady who has turned into the type of person we all hope to be:

    someone Gwen Stefani would approve of.

    happy birthday bree! see you on the hiking trail!

  6. lindsay from long ago emailed me 


    she said im in LA. show me everything and talk my face off.

    i said i can only do that if we can eat tacos.

    she said can sushi be smooshed in there somewhere?

    i said i know it was 10 years ago when you first came to LA the same week all the canadians did

    but are you still 20?

    me and lindsay

    yes, she said. of course.

    picked her up at the ritz and her hair was a little different but yep, still 20.

    which was good because im still 24.

    so we had sushi and drinks and the next day she texted and said hey sleepyhead wanna go hiking

    i asked, hiking?

    she was all, yeah, i saw the girls on The Hills climb runyon, do you know where it is?

    so for the first time in a long time i went up runyon. it was empty because of ciclavia

    but we did see Rachel Hunter, rod stewart’s former wife, so that was nice

    then we drove around LA figuring out where her company could build a taj mahal.

    eating tacos along the way.


    my phone beeped to remind me to pick up two pies at the house of pies

    because Kim and Os were having a tree trimming.

    the pies were a big hit, as was the bash.

    all of your friends were there including special guests Barney and MC Brown.

    the house was full and warm and everyone was having a great time.

    i finally met dave ladelfas husband, it was nice to see how all the kids had grown and found jobs

    and best of all i heard a rumor of some new musical activity happening somewhere involving some people i know

    but my leak wouldnt tell me who was involved or if it was a rock opera or not.

    but of course it had to be.

    then we saw a special screening of Big Eyes and were delighted.

    all in all, good weekend, but now im pooped.

  7. Saturday, December 6, 2014

    but first, a selfie 


    Angelina Jolie wiping the tears away from an emotional fan who suffered a panic attack in the frenzied crowd outside of The Daily Show studio in NYC earlier this week.

  8. white cops kill unarmed black men, cops dont face trial 

    waveswhen you grow up black, especially with a huge afro, especially in an all white neighborhood, you learn a few things

    mostly from your relatives who grew up in the south.

    keep your hands out of your pockets in stores
    dont browse for too long
    dont put anything in your pockets
    always get a receipt
    dont put anything in your bags
    when walking in the streets walk in the streets
    and when dealing with the cops
    do everything they say right away
    because for some reason blacks end up in jails
    or dead.

    we saw rodney king beat by a group of cops in the streets

    the first viral video

    we saw the cops face trial and all get off.

    they got off on rodney king then they got off on rodney king.

    people sure love to talk about how OJ got off but when was the last time you heard about all those cops getting off on rodney king.

    thousands of people rioted over six straight days in LA after those cops were acquitted by that jury in simi valley

    thousands of people were arrested.

    after the federal case only two of the four cops were sent to prison

    despite serving up 56 baton blows in the 81 seconds of video and nearly killing mr king.

    so the sad thing is many blacks had no faith that local courts would find cops guilty enough in these recent officer-involved deaths to make them stand trial

    and i for sure didnt expect any of them, if they did go to court, to serve any jail time.

    because rodney king.

  9. Friday, December 5, 2014

    hadnt driven all week but last night i did 

    lana and courtneypicked up a guy who only had a four rating. i was thinking about not picking him up because it was surging but he was outside of the surge

    and he only had a four rating – which is pretty bad.

    but cancelling people is what taxis would do, not uber, or at least not me.

    also, no one is gonna become a billionaire driving people from the 90210 to westwood and then wait and wait and wait to then drive them to 90069.

    hour and a half, $30.

    yes im doing it wrong but isnt that what ive done my whole life. isnt that what we’re supposed to do.

    didnt the bible pretty much start off with adam and even doing the wrong thing?

    do we truly love the stories of the straight and narrows? how many novels about good upstanding priests do you know about.

    its always about the crooked and the demented and the dirty and the rebellious.

    it’s all about huck finn paying someone off to white wash the fence. then smoking a pipe with nigger jim.

    next ride was two smoking hot babes who wanted to go to DTLA. they talked about their work and their sorta boyfriends and this girl who disguised being a lesbian but whose girlfriend is gonna get a sex change.

    “why, if you love women and they love you,” the one behind me asked, “would you stop being a woman and try your best to be a man – the one sex your girlfriend doesnt want?”

    dropped them off and got a chatty chinese banker girl who asked why do you drive? i said to meet chinese girls who smell like spring.

    she said do i smell like spring?

    i said come a little closer.

    she leaned over.


  10. Thursday, December 4, 2014

    sorta disappointed by the new grates record 

    the grates

    which shouldnt be surprising. i hate most things when i first hear them,

    sorry new ac/dc record.

    and i appreciate the grates for trying something new, as they often do,

    this time it’s more stark and punk rock, and minimalistic.

    but it seems like they hurried this together because they are about to have a lil baby

    which is sweet and cute but how about just dont record until you actually have songs?

    patience can sing, jon is a musical genius, but talent alone wont get the job done

    otherwise Yngvie Malmsteen would be more popular than the Beetles.

    i will still listen to it endlessly over the next few weeks bc i love them

    and i will hope i can hear things in the upcoming listens that im not hearing now

    which usually happens

    but on first glance, yikes