nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, May 20, 2016

    ive been trying to write something for months 

    skateboardand ive had the hardest time doing it.

    from afar it looks crazy and ridiculous

    but i know that when i start doing it it will be fine because things change when youre right up in it.

    nobody dies writing things

    thats all im doing is writing something

    will it change my life? probs.

    but at least it will be written and for most of my life all the best things have happened to me after i wrote something down

    in that sense this is a weird life and i should embrace the magic that happens when i put pen to paper, so to speak, but im not. im continually freaked out by what happens when i use the super powers that the good lord has blessed me

    and you and you and you


    it’s bizarre to me that in a way we all can conjure up lifechanging things just by clicking some buttons, putting it in a web browser and sending it off somewhere and seeing what happens

    i dont know what i would prefer. i certainly wouldnt prefer it if Life Just Happened to me

    i would like some control.


    which is why they often say, right before youre about to do something big


  2. Thursday, May 19, 2016

    oklahoma just passed a law making abortions illegal 

    oklahomawhen i was a kid,

    hell, even when i was in college,

    i had this bizarre belief that adults knew what they were doing.

    that they wouldnt intentionally waste time and money on things that were nonsensical.

    that they wouldn’t, as i was warned as a kid, not to jump off a cliff

    just because everyone else was doing it.

    i know a lot of people get all super dooper crazy when a woman gets preggo

    they want to put their hands all over her eggo.

    she’ll go, yo, leggo my eggo

    i wanna do with my eggo whatever i wanna do with my eggo

    since, firstly it’s mine

    and secondly, i live in america

    and in america theres this thing called the fuck you i can do this amendment

    just like how you have the fuck you i can carry a gun amendment.

    but these adults in politics actually DONT MIND AT ALL wasting time and money on things

    they obsess over putting their hands and faces and lips and tongues and feet all over preggo ladies’ eggos

    even though once that eggo turns into a kiddo they’re all la la la who dis new phone

    they dont wanna do the right thing to have public schools be kick ass

    they dont wanna do the right thing to make sure the kiddo can get free health care

    they dont wanna do the right thing to make sure the food it eats or water it drinks are safe from corporations polluting the air and seas

    they dont wanna make sure that the Earth stops heating up so the kiddo can, you know, live

    and for sure they dont wanna keep the kiddo safe in schools after all the school shootings that go on.

    because constitution.

    but they forget that abortion is constitution too. actually they dont forget, they lalalala around that too.

    because fuck you.

    pretty much thats what oklahoma, a beautiful state filled with beautiful people just said to women

    they said fuck you and you and you and you and you and you and you

    and especially you tax payers because this tantrum is gonna cost you all the money

    money that could go to schools, clean air, clean water, school lunches, health care, playgrounds, drug rehab

    and nice things for children who were actually planned to be part of this beautiful slam dance we are all in.

    so thanks oklahoma, for reminding us how important voting is

    and how important voting all of you out really is.

  3. W 

    cubs fowler

    The Cubs just won a game that took 5 hours, where they used every player and pitcher, the catcher threw out four runners, for two tense bases loaded at bats they put five fielders in the infield, their leadoff hitter dove safely at first to beat out a throw in the top of the 12th, Kris Bryant played Left, 3rd and 1st at different parts of the bottom of the 12th, and their pitcher drew a walk with the bases loaded to drive in what would be the winning run. Baseball has always been fun, Bryce.

  4. Wednesday, May 18, 2016

    puke and rally 

    puke and rallymegyn kelly was on tv last night

    talking to mr donald j trump,

    (the billionaire)

    and he was fantastic.

    he has learned how to show a tad of humility

    admit theres a scintilla

    of a possibility

    that he could have done things differently

    at one little moment in the past.

    (or at least he’s better at pretending.)

    but the lesson that ive learned from him is the practice of puke and rally.

    no matter what happens

    no matter what he does or says

    if he stumbles, he, like taylor swift

    shakes it off.

    he pukes and then rallies.

    he told megyn that if he did it any other way he probably wouldnt be as successful as he has become.

    as she said, he’s one step away from being president.

    she said it in a weird, fangirl groupie way, and it isn’t true, trump doesnt stand a chance, but i guess in some weird omg annnnything can happen way it’s true.

    like how im only 6 numbers away from being a multi millionaire.

    and just like how every time i lose at the lottery, i just rip up the ticket and go on with my day,

    when trump realizes that he was wrong to say All Mexicans are here to rob and rape and steal

    or how he encouraged people at his rally to be violent to others

    he doesn’t obsess over it, like a human would.

    he gets it out of his system

    and moves on.

    i think theres a life lesson in there for all of us.

    additionally, no one has to hold trumps hair when he pukes.

    so hes got that going for him.

  5. Tuesday, May 17, 2016

    i look backward because looking forward isnt real 

    fridathe past tells me what i did where i was what went wrong what went right

    the future is just a day dream a promise a dream a lie a fantasy a mirage

    in the past we were laying by a pool holding hands drinking drinks laughing

    and laughing and laughing and then

    back in the room we made the world spin around us

    french doors opened to the sun as if to say look


    look all you angels

    this is what its all about

    and afterwards we stared at the ceiling goofy faces on our smiles

    and talked about tomorrow

    which was just a daydream a promise a dream a lie a fantasy a mirage

    well intentioned but false because the only person who can predict the future

    are the worms

    at the cemetery

    who dont know the exact date

    but know dinners coming

    so they wait

  6. the year was 1979, i was in 7th grade 


    they had a deal at my grade school that if you made the honor roll you got to go to a Cubs game.

    i did not make the honor roll due to a technicality but my sister did.

    the technicality was i didnt give a flying fuck about the honor roll.

    until i was out on the sod farm with my friends playing baseball that afternoon and we heard on the radio that we had carried out there that the game was 17-6 heading into the bottom of the 4th inning.

    so we grabbed our stuff, got on our bikes and hauled ass to the nearest kids’ house to watch the game.

    it was windy that afternoon which is why the game had so much scoring.

    the phillies were mighty with the likes of Mike Schmidt and Larry Bowa, two of my favorite non-Cubs. Greg Luzinski might have still been on that team too – WHO CAN REMEMBER THAT FAR BACK I WAS BARELY ALIVE.

    the game ended in nailbiter: 23-22. and i wasnt there. the “smart kids” from my school were there. our friends. many of whom couldnta named one Cub if they tried other than Ryne Sandberg

    and it taught me right there and then and stuck with me forever that life isnt fair.

    the phillies will beat the cubs. the non sports fans will go to one of the coolest games ever. that your sister will get things that rightfully belong to you.

    but in the end, life will go on.

    last night i drove a kid, a middle schooler, from a big house in the hollywood hills, to a gated mansion behind two gates in the beverly hills hills called beverly crest.

    as we drove past the security check point i said, you gotta tell me, why is it that kids dont even play in the streets in gated communities? do you really just want to play video games and listen to music?

    he said, all we want to do is play video games.

    and i dropped him off in front of a giant wall. as i turned around i saw him speaking into a speaker box. and as i pulled away i saw the giant gates open and he entered to go inside to play with his friend.

    if Uber was around in 1979, for sure me and my friends would have ubered to that freaking game.

    but life wasnt fair then.

    thankfully it is now.

  7. Monday, May 16, 2016

    why i will never uber a Rose Bowl event again 


    it seems like every year i try a few times to take people from Rose Bowl events

    and every year it becomes a total waste of my time.

    im not sure if it’s the government of Pasadena or the police of Pasadena or Rose Bowl officials

    but every time there’s a concert or a game there they act as if it’s the first time anyone has ever been there

    which is weird because the 100,000 capacity stadium is 6 years shy of celebrating its 100th birthday.

    the stadium is tucked away in a wealthy neighborhood and up aside a mountain range

    it’s also very close to two freeways.

    rose bowlthat makes it both hard and easy to get to depending on whether officials decide to close or open freeway on ramps.

    for some reason the geniuses in control close all but one road going into the rose bowl about an hour before the concert is about to end

    and they keep it closed NO MATTER WHAT up to two hours after the event is over.

    so let’s say you’re an Uber driver and you get to the show early and you sit in the golf course and you get a passenger and take them home

    and then let’s say you want to go back to the venue to pick up someone else: forget about it.

    not only are the roads closed going in, but the cops, the rentacops, and the security will treat you like you are a terrible ignorant person up to no good.

    meanwhile inside and all around the rose bowl the cell reception is horrible because no one has ever thought about putting a cell phone repeater in there. or whatever it’s called. so guess what? everyones phones are dying and you cant tell them “walk two miles to the Jack in the Box where hundreds of people in their sexiest Beyonce outfits are stranded, waiting for ANYONE to drive them home.”

    the whole thing is a extremely fixable disaster. and here’s how they can fix it.

    there are temporary barriers surrounding the location with guards letting residents in.

    let Uber / Lyft and limos through too. we are not trying to rob anyone. we are just trying to get to the Rose Bowl and pick people up.

    it really is that simple.

  8. Saturday, May 14, 2016

    did i almost die yesterday? probs 


    did it feel like it?


    it didnt even feel like a two hour ride.

    the weirdest thing is we drove 21 miles. made several stops.

    and all i got out of it, other than the incredible conversation with the

    gang member drug dealer and his bff sorta girlfriend

    was $79 and a far better understanding of south central

    and which liquor stores i should go into and not go into

    and where in koreatown i should

    just completely avoid

    because death awaits

    my negro.

  9. Friday, May 13, 2016
  10. Thursday, May 12, 2016

    have i told you about all the great things that have happened because of this blog? 

    britneyive been doing this gangsta shit since 2001 and in that time this blog has gotten me jobs and travel and friends and fancy cars and pretty much everything a man could ever want.

    but today, a little bird reminds me, is the tenth anniversary of when a beautiful young lady, aged 21 i think, flew across the country to meet me.

    and when she arrived i picked her up at the airport and drove her to my house and she put her suitcase on the floor and we looked at each other

    and i said, well. and she said, yep.

    and i said you flew all the way here to meet me?

    and she said yep.

    and i said here i am.

    and she said and here i am.

    so i slowly took off my cowboy shirt and hat and she took off hers.

    and we stood there, hatless looking at each other as my christmas lights twinkled and i said, so you’ll do whatever i want right now?

    and she said yep.

    so i said twirl around a little so i can see if youre carrying a weapon.

    and she said you are way better than i expected.

    and i discovered that she was not carrying any weapons

    and that was just the first of many discoveries that we had that weekend and it was, ive gotta say, one of the top ten things that have happened to me that wouldnta happened if i hadnta written a blog way back in 2001

    which is one of the reasons i try to convince everyone out there in the world to write write write write or draw draw draw or whatever you do

    do it.

    because it just might ring true to someone else. and they might be tall and tanned and way prettier in real life

    than on flickr.