nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, August 8, 2017

    what if the sun’s a lie 

    what if these rich white men don’t know what theyre doing

    what if that dude in korea hates his life, hates what hes done to his people, is sick of that terrible music

    and is all, you know, fuckit fire le missile.

    what if his generals are all, but sir

    and what if he says, i said fire le missile!

    and what if his generals say

    first of all it’s not french, you are not french

    and even if we all were french it would be


    because it would cause the Mother of All Dumb Events

    what if that general was ushered away for speaking out of turn.

    what if my whole life is me speaking out of turn.

    what if they usher me away one day

    why havent they yet?

    am i the usher?

    am i the way?

    are you the day?

    what if the suns a lie and its not there to give us warmth but to kill us.

    what if bruce is only half right and everything dies but it dont come back.

    what if God is like Life is a toothpaste tube and i dont squeeze that shit back in it.

    even though i could.

    what if theres a world where the toughest part of their olympics is

    shoving paste back in the tube.

    and people love the people who can do it the best, with no mess?

    that would not be a world that i would want to party with.

    the older you get the fewer ragers you go to

    even though now you know the cops.

    and even though cops, like the sun, are also lies.

  2. Monday, August 7, 2017

    i wish you knew me, she said 

    i said, oh i know you.

    she said if you knew me we wouldnt fight so much.

    if you knew me you would have called me this morning on your way to work.

    if you knew me youd tell me how your day was when i ask.

    if you knew me SHE wouldn’t be in your apartment.

    i said, youre so young you wear purple lipstick and

    lip STAIN, she corrected

    i said youre so young you think theres a difference between lipstick and lipstain

    also, i know you.

    i know what you want (Everything).


    but you cannot have everything and that bothers you.


    and what you need to understand is what you should focus on instead of the things that You want are the things that people less fortunate than you


    oh god.


    i wish you knew me

    she mumbled.

  3. Sunday, August 6, 2017

    todd had an art opening on Saturday night 

    it was a celebration of his entire career which has spanned designing the skateboard decks for several companies, a wide world of art, and his cartoons for legendary magazines like Penthouse

    in fact Penthouse was there to interview the man of the hour

    the place was packed with family, friends, fans, and even kids who got their decks signed.

    what’s amazing about Todd is he is one of the few artists you know who have been able to avoid “real jobs” for most of his adult life. for the exception of the short time that he was roommates with me in Frisco, Todd has always made his living from doing art.

    and whats best of all is Todd’s art doesn’t hold back. it’s in your face, it’s dark, it’s powerful, and it’s funny. all the things that will stop you from being able to go commercial, but the thing about Todd is he couldn’t care less about commercial.

    he has been put on this earth to let it all out.

    he’s here to keep it real.

    and if not entirely real, real gross.

    the show was held at Shepard Fairey’s gallery on Sunset, Subliminal Projects.

    before the show i asked Amber what she wanted to get from the night and she said “inspiration”.

    she asked me what i wanted and i said, i hope Shepard is there.

    not only was he but he was super nice to everyone and provided the soundtrack to our lives.

    i nearly brought this Obama sticker that I wanted him to sign, but i couldnt find it, and anyways the night was about Todd.

    while i was thanking Shepard for hosting the night, he said, “oh man ive been a fan of his for years.”

    earlier Todd said that Shepard was into the skating scene from way back, which i totally forgot.

    Shepard said he first met Todd in the 90s with Tony Gonzalez or Mark Gonzalez, someone, and that guy showed him the Anti Hero Eagle series and Shepard was all

    oh yeah.

    right there.

    a trio of those decks welcomed people into the gallery, which couldn’t be more appropo.

    afterwards amber and i watched exit through the gift shop

    to complete the theme.

  4. Friday, August 4, 2017

    my man todd francis is in the weekly this week 

    he was the illustrator of the Daily Nexus.

    he was so good i made him my assistant arts editor because i wanted his art on the cover of our section every week.

    he always delivered.

    after college when i was transferred up to Frisco i needed a place to live and he had a spare room in his apartment on 22nd and Folsom.

    we had a mice problem. there was a hole in the apartment somewhere. but he had these giant snakes in a fish tank.

    he let them out to roam. they ate all the mice and slithered back into their tanks.

    todd was the first person i met who said its ok to have dinner consisting of nothing but vegetables.

    we even tried it a few times.

    those were the days of AOL. id sit in my room on a 14.4 modem writing poems in the poetry rooms and sexting the girls who i hope were women. it was pretty easy to tell the fakers, but you never know. i probably said something to some dudes without knowing it.

    ah frisco.

    todd and i saw the OJ chase together because he loved hoops even more than i did, especially anthony mason and patrick ewing.

    so as we were watching the game they broke in with the slow Bronco chase and we got to see parts of LA that we missed.

    little did i know that Todd would slowly become one of the biggest names of skateboard design.

    i didnt know how far his fame had reached until i was back home in ILL a year ago and in our crappy mall there was a skate shop and i asked the kid if he knew about Todd and among 100 boards he quickly picked out the 5-6 that he designed.

    he said he drove to the city to get Todds autograph back when he was doing a book signing.

    so many talented friends at the Daily Nexus.

    we were all so lucky to have had each other.

    because if you are the only one with weird ideas, gross pictures, or stupid plots to change the world:

    it’s nice to have a room full of others who, instead of vetoing you, say,

    “you think that’s weird, check this shit out.”

  5. Thursday, August 3, 2017

    todays the busblogs birthday, it’s sweet sixteen 

    sixteen years ago i was doing some washing by the river.

    i looked into the weeds and there i saw a little tiny raft and a blog wrapped tightly in a blanket.

    i swam over to the scene and the blog was barely alive. it was ugly. it had very little to say other than ba baaa

    i said, is that your name?

    it said ba baaaaa

    i said busblog?

    and then i saw a stream of urine seep down its leg.

    i picked it up and dunked it into the river to wash it and a light shot down from the Heavens

    apparently i had inadvertently baptised it AND named it.

    son of a!

    when i looked back to the now-empty dingy i spotted a Post It which had been placed on the blog’s head

    on it was written a curious phrase

    nothing in here is true.

    i gave it a home on my url: tonypierce.com/blog/bloggy.htm

    it wasn’t grand or interesting because at the time i didn’t think it would survive the night.

    but alas, quickly it grew and grew and everyone wanted to see the little thing.

    i said, what about my fully formed website?

    they said, but your beautiful baby blog is fantastic!

    and it grew and as it did i learned it had magical powers beyond my wildest dreams.

    and every year it did something weirder and more beautiful than the last.

    and now it’s 16 and wants to drive.

    so be it.

    happy birthday blog of my dreams.

    thank you for coming into my life.

  6. Wednesday, August 2, 2017

    OJ Simpson and the Olympic Torch, 1984 

    Because I’m a very old man, I was there. I had just moved to LA earlier that summer.

    As you can see OJ ran up the California Incline to incredible fanfare. Everyone around him was cheering. OJ looked athletic and strong and people were clapping everywhere because, first of all, it’s a thrill to see the torch.

    And also, at this point in his career, OJ was beloved by all.

    This was pre Rodney King, pre A glove that didn’t fit, pre cops bungling crime scenes, pre slow Bronco chases that mysteriously didn’t make it into the Trial of the Century.

    This was a moment where a former superstar who still looked like a pro, ran up a hill and everyone just watched. This was before cell phones.

    Before the Interwebs.

    It was during a time when you just soaked in the moment in front of you and felt it.

    And when OJ reached Ocean Ave he slowed down and bent down and passed the torch to a disabled child

    who then hobbled his way down the road.

    The contrast in torch bearers was unreal. And beautiful.

    And everyone began crying – for all the reasons.

    Right there in 1980s Santa Monica.

    It was probably the most beautiful moment of that Olympics for all 150 or so of us who witnessed it.

    And I will never forget it.

  7. sometimes i feel like im a phony, a loser, a lout 

    a faker, a fraud, an embarrassment to the hood i came up from.

    a tool, a mark, a bum

    a disgrace.

    but then i turn on the tv and i see all of these very wealthy men and women

    in expensive suits and shoes.

    who all went to the fanciest schools who hobnobbed with the richest and famous in the land.

    and the mic is turned on and the cameras start rolling

    and they open their mouths



    i feel like im not so bad after all.

    in fact i feel good.

    i mean i feel bad that they are the ones with so much power

    and also, theyre full of crud.

    but i feel good because i was raised right. i dont believe i have to lie to be loved.

    i dont have to twist the facts or threaten people or sell out our country for personal gain.

    i feel like i have a thin shot at Heaven, especially compared to


    and this is why i watch tv every day.

    and read the paper.

    and get my hair cut correct like Anthony Mason.

    because i am better than these sad sad sacks

    flapping their gums

    all for a few more worthless bucks.

    which disappear


  8. Monday, July 31, 2017

    because the Cubs are angels on earth, they gave Bartman a ring 

    im not good at forgiving people

    im very good at holding a grudge.

    my thing is if you got on my shit list you probably got there for more than one reason.

    and because im half Scorpio im not gonna give you a 100th chance to hurt me again.

    and because im mostly Libra there arent very many places where you can hurt me. so if you hurt me im actually a little surprised that you found that place.

    and if you got on the shit list you found that place and despite several warnings you kept at it. either you betrayed my trust or you abandoned me or you massively pissed me off.

    Steve Bartman ruined the Cubs’ chance to get into the World Series.

    and when he did he was pelted with beers and dogs and garbage and run out of the city of Chicago.

    he is still in hiding.

    he doesnt give interviews or write a blog or even send out homing pigeons. he sits in his basement with his new name and new family and tries not to get murdered by a Cub fan with anger issues.

    up until November Steve Bartman was on my Shit List Short List. like that little girl in Game of Thrones his name was close to my heart and if i ever crossed paths with him I would not let him forget the one thing that i knew he hadnt forgotten and im sure i woulda felt sad about it because my heart is filled with love, not hate.

    but hate sure has a few bedrooms in the building.

    but today the Cubs gave Bartman a ring. They put his name on it. And somehow the message reached to him and he messaged back.

    he said he was not worthy of the ring but he appreciated it and it represented the way people should treat each other.

    somehow Bartman had a great ticket for a playoff game. i believe he was a Cub fan. i believe he got caught up in the moment and made a mistake.

    i believe it was the worst mistake he’d ever made.

    i have made a few mistakes. one of them i asked forgiveness for and i was granted forgiveness.

    but because i STILL feel so bad about it, i don’t even believe that i was really forgiven.

    in fact i think it will keep me from entering Heaven.

    i used my superpowers for selfish reasons. and then i hurt someone very very sweet.

    that action has changed me.

    i am not as full of love as i once was.

    i am more guarded because in some ways i dont even trust myself any more because i dont ever want to hurt anyone like that again.

    id love to blame the xbi but this was all me.

    i fucked up.

    i am so sorry.

    i will forever be sorry.

    im sure Bartman will also be forever sorry.

    but now he has a ring, from the Cubs, that says, it’s ok bro. move on. get on with your life.

    and for the Cubs to do that is just another reason i love them so much.

  9. Sunday, July 30, 2017

    i invite you to let the spirit of Prince ease out of you today 

    the real reason i no longer work for the xbi is because you cannot lie to the lie detector

    every now and then the xbi will poison their agents, one by one,

    and give them a thorough mental evaluation.

    sometimes the poison is laced with LSD or magic mushrooms or ecstasy or combinations of all three

    they’ll sleep deprive us, starve us, torture us, and then give us more poison in the jugs of water

    which we foolishly chug down from thirst

    and then, voila, the truth comes out.

    the last 9 out of 10 trips to the lie detector revealed one thing that scared the xbi to their bones

    at my heart i am a Christian minister.

    because when stripped down to my essence, i was told, i would invite my superiors, my torturers, my bosses, to

    look for the spirit of Good, and Creativity, and Sexiness

    and let it come out in tiny ways.

    indeed, right there, tied up, with a light shining in my eyes, and eye drops being dropped in my eyes

    i would say things like, “ours is the kingdom of Heaven. what will be your dance steps once the Pearly gates are parted?”

    for a while the xbi let this go on because i was fantastic in the field, and the bible is filled with tales of war and destruction, but somehow they failed to realize that the holy trinity was equal parts father, son


    holy spirit.

    and when i was chopped down to the knees, i would teach them about the spirit

    about their souls

    and about how when a fastball is thrown perfectly

    it moves

    and that funkiness keeps it from being hit

    that funkiness defies science

    because that funkiness

    is funk.

    the thing the fearful fear.

    but its the thing that is closest to God than anything you could write down on paper.

    or slide into a spreadsheet.

    or pin onto a wall.

    and its essence, in modern day human form,

    was Prince.

    so, I concluded, reportedly, repeatedly, was

    how are you gonna be funky today babies

    and what color cape will you wear?

    and they let me go.

  10. Saturday, July 29, 2017

    she said come over here, i was all where 


    said under here

    i said underwear

    we were in the south of france in the rain on a farm

    in a barn

    outside the kids were playing in the pool

    little mint sprouts growing all around the edges

    i guess theres no chlorine in the pool to kill em

    maybe they aint got chlorine in france i thought

    poor french

    we gave em mcdonalds, spaghetti-o’s, 3D movies, and I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, but somehow chlorine – which sounds french – didnt make it on the boat.

    it was 20 years ago.

    even then i felt old.

    thats the funny thing about life, you’re never really where you wanna be in life

    or the age you think you should be

    or in the car you think you should drive

    but for that week all was right.

    all was perfect.

    for that week the cows were the right ones

    the wine, the friends, the girl, the hair, and even though we were poor

    we all got on planes and jetted over seas in the summer to party hearty.

    because maybe all the time

    everythings more perfect than we think.