nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, September 10, 2014

    theres only a few things i want in my life 


    love, of course.

    honesty. as in super dooper really real. which isnt so hard.

    people around me who dont believe that the world is a certain way or destiny isnt a hard and fast rule

    or that we are doomed to only do the things our parents did.

    if i ever have kids i dont want them to think that they can only do the things i did.

    i want them to know they can be better. that they can break through whatever barriers i met.

    i want them to know the world is weird and wonderful and random and beautiful and one minute you might be alone and content

    and the next minute you can be in a house with a new girlfriend, and old girlfriend, and two cats.

    and then the day you might be totally alone again.

    old girlfriend might be moved into a new pad. new girlfriend might be done with you for the week.

    and neighbors might have wanted to adopt young Prince and young Michael.

    yes you can try to have a safe stable life but not if you want higher highs.

    not if you wanna learn weird stuff and embody it.

    and then write it down for you and you and you.

    in a few years i will start writing.

    this was just exercises to cure my carpal.

    tonight amber and i are going to a fancy french restaurant.

    i may even wear pants.

  2. Tuesday, September 9, 2014

    about ten years ago i wrote a book called Stiff 

    leah reading stiffi dont know how.

    i know i did most of it day by day at a job i didnt like.

    but now that i look back i dont know how that came out of me.

    i know i was broke and i wanted to be able to sell something at Christmas.

    i also know i felt stifled creatively. and i wanted to impress a girl. or three.

    maybe i felt like a bird in a tree at night

    look at me look at me look at me.

    it was nice that i had a big audience for the busblog at that point because without one it also probably wouldnta happened.

    and it was good that i didnt care if i got fired from my job for having such weird ideas concepts and quotes.

    im sure my boss, who hated me, was reading it, and maybe that helped a little too.

    so i guess it worked because of all of those little factors all combined into the perfect storm.

    so maybe it’s weirder that there hasnt been a perfect storm in over a decade.

    i dont care what chicks think. i do care what my bosses think. and i dont feel stifled.

    i dont even know what book id make now if i could. despite the fact that i have ten years more of experience under my belt.

    weirdly it would probably be about etienne. a girl i hope i never see again.

  3. Monday, September 8, 2014

    today is mary’s birthday shes 24 

    mary and bekka

    born to ohio riverboat captains, mary moved to california on an ice skating scholarship.

    the claremont colleges werent a good fit for the outgoing blonde (seen here “studying” with xbi marine agent bekka) so she jumped ship and started a career in human resources where she excelled.

    one thing led to another and mary is now in venice where she can be seen walking her dog along abbott kinney in a floppy hat

    and smiling and smiling and smiling.

    mary is one of the friendliest people you’ll ever meet. she might not even be from ohio, she may just say that to make you feel better.

    in a past life she was probably a night nurse who would hold you in her arms and whisper sweet everythings to you as you floated back into your medicinal haze.

    what are her goals in life? to marry the richest man west of Lincoln and only wear high heels and g-strings.

    ive never seen mary work out but she maintains a miraculous shape for someone who eats as much gelato as she does.

    she has a beautiful apartment and a terrible stereo system with one john mayer cd.

    she doesnt even know the name of it.

    so would-be suitors: bring your own boombox, but not booze as todays birthday girl is a teetotaler, as are all her closest friends.

    they may all be from another land. like pennsylvania.

  4. weirdly it was a really tough weekend 

    10694947_10152665945373057_1399432498_ndrove and drove and drove.

    uber has figured out how to take most of the profit away from the drivers while making themselves billionaires.

    i guess thats the american dream?

    pretty girls flirted with me. people told me secrets. and if someone overheard a conversation i had they woulda sworn someone proposed to me and i said yes.

    you should never dare me, america. im sorta down for whatever.

    growing up where i did, truth or dare was an olympic sport. there was no shame, nor should there be. truth? nothing in here is true? dare? what can you dare a former xbi agent to do that life hasnt already run us through four five times before we were 23?

    within the same hour two wonderful young ladies admitted their secret shames to me. talk about the stars aligning. its interesting how other peoples secrets that haunt them often dont mean anything alarming to me.

    like if boy george finally came out to his parents. wouldnt his parents say, do you think we didnt know?

    thats what i said, twice, because i have not read the book about what to say after someone pours their heart out to you. other than the truth: its no big deal, bb. is there anything else you want to reveal? no? that was really it? thats whats eating at you? you didnt kill anyone? youre not really a man? you didnt secretly poison puppies at the pound?

    we are all gonna die and st. peter is gonna be at the pearly gates and now joan rivers is gonna be there too and peter is gonna have a long list of things we did that were super bad and joan is gonna ask why we wore what we wore when we did it.

    and hopefully they will feel about our sins the way i feel about yours: those are all normal stumbles on this dark cobblestone path called life.

    your heart meant well and you did what you thought was the right move at the right time.

    no go in peace, nirvana is tuning up in the secret spot.

  5. Sunday, September 7, 2014
  6. Saturday, September 6, 2014
  7. Friday, September 5, 2014

    xbi was all thanks for what you did but isnt your house all bloody now? 

    glazed tub and sink

    i was like, never you mind. wheres my money.

    they were all, seriously if theres a blood trail we’re all screwed. i said dude, ive been doing this forever, dont you know i know?

    still they were nervous for some reason. who was this guy? why was this any different.

    they said, we’re gonna send someone over to make sure everythings untraceable.

    i said, absolutely not. plus nothing happened. he was persuaded, and he was escorted out. end of story.

    they said, come on agent, everyone wants to sleep tight tonight.

    so i said the worst thing i could ever say.

    trust me.

    and in the morning i woke up and my 13 year old yellow bathtub and sink were completely reglazed

    and virgin white.

    but worse, my uber app didn’t work any more.

    everyone knows uber customer support for drivers takes forever which means i probably wont be driving this weekend now.

    what the hell am i supposed to do on a friday night? take a damn bath?

  8. i like that she sometimes leaves her dresses here 

    new dress

    but it makes me wonder what she wore home.

    women are mysteries.

    do they not want to appear to be taking the “walk of shame”?

    the other day i discovered the Uber of shame.

    nice guy walked his super hot girl out to the curb, i picked her up. he hugged her and asked me if i had the address to drop her off.

    she crawled into the back seat, high high heels, short short dress

    false eyelashes totally abused

    she tapped tapped on her iphone the whole ride, every now and then looking out the window.

    never talking to me. so skinny.

    i wondered if she was a girl he had met at the club the night before.

    or something more scandalous.

    but then i remembered the hug.

    we drove from koreatown to around USC. she was the daintiest asian.

    and my esp was totally not in tune. such a mystery. maybe it was better that way.

    maybe everythings better that way.

  9. Wednesday, September 3, 2014

    Kanye West at the Made in America concert in LA’s Grand Park 

    im sure theres something wrong with our mayor, eric garcetti.

    he’s fit, he’s smart, he gets things done, he smiles, he doesnt seem to BS you

    he is pro Uber, he’s pro growth, and no one seems to have too many terrible things to say about him.

    jay z beyonce aoki garcettiis he an alien? a vampire? is he going to turn us all into food?


    but in the meantime he pulled off something really interesting this weekend, along with Jay Z and Kanye West:

    a twisted dark fantasy on the steps of city hall.

    usually that sort of thing is reserved for inside the building or across the street.

    it probably lost the city a bunch of money it doesnt have.

    and it helped promote the most gutless, useless beer in the nation.

    but it also starred one of the most fascinatingly dark and troubled geniuses of LA: a man who cursed and stomped and wore a ridiculous mask

    and dares to call himself Yeezus.

    and when you watch who was in the audience this weekend there were all types of faces, mostly brown

    you know, exactly how LA truly is.

    kanye tried to start some slam pits, which he adorably called circles

    but LA cant be told what to do.

    but we will come to a party and thats what the mayor hosted and a lot of people are butthurt because he rammed it through but sometimes thats exactly what the leader should do

    he should wheel a keg down the street, crank up the jams and start passing out the red solo cups.

    so thank you mr. mayor.

    next year please hold the Mayer.

  10. Tuesday, September 2, 2014

    the xbi sent me a telegram (!) yesterday 

    mileyit said, have you noticed that everyone all around you falls apart?

    and it made me go through a series of emotions:

    disbelief, all my friends and loved ones are at the top of their game

    doubt, except for that one and that one and

    anger, if the xbi is behind all of this i will use their evil weaponry against them!

    sleepiness, man i was pooped

    super anger, why would they waste their energies on me

    religious, dear god please smite them with your fancy energies of retribution

    and then finally zen: i sent them a pie

    along with it a note

    if you eat this pie all the negative feelings you were trying to instil on me will be multiplied

    and you will have gas for a good thirty minutes

    maybe forty!

    if you dont eat this pie you will prove to me that you have no courage

    for how can a pie be filled with feelings you superstitious so called superheroes!?!!?

    prove you have eaten it all by video taping it with a copy of todays newspaper

    which some of them did as i recently received a youtube clip.

    never kiss an xbi agent.

    they’ll put anything in their mouth.