nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, March 15, 2017

    pretty girl canceled on me yesterday 


    how is that possible?

    and this isnt her first time either.

    i know ive gained weight, lost some hair, let myself go a little.

    but deep down im still capable of magic.

    or at least illusions.

    later in the night she was texting me and she dropped in a little joke.

    she sent me a picture of an old man and said she had had sex with him that afternoon.

    now i am a man with a vivid imagination and even though nothing in Here is true,

    one thing ive learned from Real Life is anythings possible.

    so i believed her.

    and i texted “tell me more”

    time passed and she did not tell me more, it just hung there like a wedding day fart

    just lofting over the congregation.

    wafting, hovering, weirdly getting larger and danker and more eerie.

    it became so large it grew hair on its chin and knuckles

    it bought a top hat and gloves, someone put a petunia in its lapel

    its fingernails grew and yellowed and curled.

    it became so large a representative from Jenny Craig left a leaflet on its door.

    and then she admitted that she was just kidding


    and i said, baby fine as you are you can do whatever you want with your body

    just be careful what you do on days when you cancel on me

    because that will disturb my disposition.

    she apologized, sent nudes, and assured me of my place in her world.

    still not sure if that old guy got any

    but for today, we’ll trust in the universe

  2. Tuesday, March 14, 2017
  3. everything is a dare 

    theres a pound of ham in the fridge.

    not exactly sure when i put it in there.

    it would be a shame for that pig to have died in vain

    however, if i was a pig i would prefer that you did not eat me, thank you.

    went to my actual doctor today.

    like me, former xbi.

    nbd. omg.

    i told him i was down to a half a coke a day.

    still addicted, eh? he scoffed.

    which i took as a dare.

    which i am taking as a dare.

    theres only a few things that will kill me, he said: coke, drunk drivers, boredom.

    why cant you drink tea?

    in heaven im gonna drink coke every day. maybe even non stop.

    fuckit, in heaven i wanna pee coke.

    but most of the time we talked about barry bonds

    and how incredible his last season was.

    he was 42.

  4. Monday, March 13, 2017

    had to do a bunch of junk on saturday 

    ran around with my head chopped off

    found a secret entrance to the xbi in burbank that they forgot was there

    slipped in, said hi, stole a bagel, took off

    a quick hi bye gotta fly like you see in the videos

    and then the day was mine but i wanted to get a car wash and i couldnt find any car wash joints in burbank so i just drove drove drove

    until i was in downtown LA and i found one but it wasnt moving

    the little tokyo car wash

    it was tiny and it had 4 cars in there, maybe 5 and i waited but it wouldnt budge so i said screw this, the next car wash is 8 minutes south, fine. but as i drove that way i passed a spot that advertised Oriental Rugs $22.

    im old enough to know that signs are the biggest liars of anyone but i figured even if it was twice the price thats exactly in my budget.

    anna kournikova of all people has been nagging me to “update” my apartment. she says i have the same old tired stuff in there as when we were first in love and rolling around on the floors.

    i said hey ive got two new tvs and at least 4-5 new posters gimme a break, but i know what she meant

    got to the carpet place, looked at the rugs, and boom there were a bunch for $38 out the door.

    pointed, dude took it down, rolled it, taped it, leaned it next to the register, i gave the lady two 20s she gave $2 back

    walk out with the carpet over my shoulder

    smelliest homeless dude you ever saw goes, yo buddy

    i gave him my $2 and i was out like seacrest

  5. Sunday, March 12, 2017

    tell us more about the 80s tony 

    it’s weird being the old guy in the office

    it’s weird being in an office

    it’s weird being at the oscars

    it’s weird still blogging

    it’s weird how wifi works

    it’s weird that this can instantly be published around the world

    it’s weird to think that some people, who could feed the whole country, don’t.

    it’s weird to think

    it’s weird how much my new tire costs

    it’s weird what kind of car i drive

    maybe we shouldn’t even day dream when we’re young

    because if you’re doing it right,

    nothing ever turns out the way you thought it would.

  6. i torture myself 

    not with ropes or chains

    or high heeled ladies in catsuits

    and LED lit ears

    spiked boots and gloomy music

    in a dungeon

    far below the earths surface

    as they insult me with lies and fantasys

    where i did this or that

    and now i must be punished

    starting with this

    and then that.

    sooooo much of this, by the way. so much. omg. like woah.

    and then i have to clean up.


    you can always tell how easy a man has it by how soft his hands are.

    how few calluses, scratches, divots, tears.


    the affluent have scars, just not on their hands.

    but i dont torture myself that way either.

    i listen to news stations and political shows all day

    and all night.

    waiting for something juicy to come from the droning and speculation

    and history.

    but it rarely does.

    still, i wait.

  7. Friday, March 10, 2017

    when the xbi wants your attention, they get it 

    once upon a time i had the most simple life

    and then it got simpler.

    i judge the simplicity of life by two things

    how many keys you have

    and how many things you


    to do every day.

    one reason i left the xbi was because it became a

    have to

    instead of a get to.

    i’ll be honest sometimes this very blog feels like a have to sometimes

    and i know how to get out of that slide easily.

    usually it’s tell the truth more.

    ended up in urgent care bent over that very table there

    theres a window with some venetian blinds to the right

    but theyre a rip off because when you part them

    it’s a view of nothing.

    not nothing nothing, but not what you wanna see when youre looking for something good in the world

    when you need to see something good in the world.

    you know it’s there somewhere and it sure would be nice for it to be right out there past the garbage somewhere

  8. drove a guy named mario the other day 

    he told me marriage is a suckers game

    told me he met this woman who turned out was super rich because her dad owned a building in DTLA

    and when he died she got it

    and it brought in $100k a month.

    he said she bought so many shoes they needed their own bedroom. there were purses everywhere. after a while they stopped having sex so he was all, i want a divorce. secretly he was thinking maybe he would get some of this cash because he sure as hell wasnt making $100k a month.

    but in the divorce settlement it turned out that because that money went through a trust, it didn’t count as income for her in divorce court

    indeed in that court it appeared she had zero income,

    so he has to pay her alimony.

    he’s a baker.

    he told me: just go to hookers. it’s cheaper and better sex.

  9. Wednesday, March 8, 2017

    its too bad we’re gonna die from global warming 

    because the weather tonight was like a summers day.

    drove this rich guy from beverly hills to staples to see the red hot chili peppers

    windows rolled down he told me he grew up in tel aviv, was in the army

    now makes deals.

    the whole time he told me about israel and how its the most advanced of any middle eastern country

    how it helps anyone who asks for it in the middle east and europe

    and, since we were driving down pico with the windows rolled down on international womens day

    “theres no better country in the middle east for a woman than israel.”

    i said yes, and that is my problem.

    he stopped what he was about to say and said

    excuse me?!

    i said, as a lyft driver, i like countries where half the population isnt allowed to drive.

    and he laughed.

    which was good because we were late for his dinner meet up before the show and i was

    flyin baby.

    as instructed.

    as would hopefully be tipped generously for cutting up san vicente

    and then he told me this

    he said:

    of all the cities i have visited, and i have lived here for years,

    but of all the cities i have been to,

    los angeles is the most jewish.

    in israel no one asks you why you arent keeping kosher or obeying the sabbath

    we observe the holidays because the kids wont be in school,

    but here people are serious – of course there are those who arent –

    but many more observe the traditions.

    me, i don’t care about your religion because all that matters is if you are a good person.

    if you are a diamond dealer in manhattan who keeps kosher

    but you rip off your customers,

    you should not feel proud.

    we got to staples on time, dropped him off at the ritz

    and remembered uber had settled up with me this morning

    so i could drive to echo park

    eat two delicious tacos from the best truck

    and pick up dinner at the 99 cent store.

  10. today is international womens day 

    whats supposed to happen is all the ladies are supposed to go on strike and not buy anything.

    even on their day they’re being told what to do.

    now i could sit here and make a big long list of all the women who have supported me in one way or another or who gave me a break to go do my thing or who have shown me love in various ways.

    but in a way that would be making this about me. it’s not. today is about them.

    the women.

    who weirdly are the majority of this country and yet they are treated like theyre not.

    here’s the thing i dont understand. rape.

    i have a niece who in a few years will be at college. hopefully she will choose the university of california, isla vista, which is a little slice of heaven on earth

    but just like most universities, 1 out of every 3 women are sexually assaulted there.


    rape should have a mandatory minimum sentence of 5 years in jail. something tells me that might put a dent in terrible situation. maybe add this: if you rape again you get 15 years. rape again, life in prison.

    women, the majority, should not have to fear walking down the street.

    in america.

    the beautiful.

    the alleged land of the free.

    if theres one gift men, who are in power, could give to our mothers and sisters and daughters and nieces, it would be actual safe streets. is that too hard? if it is then maybe we need to get out of power for a little while.

    something tells me if the roles were reversed and instead of  the US Senate having 21 female senators, it had 79… something tells me there would be mandatory minimums with rape convictions, women’s health would not be something we ever debated, and our country would be a lot more civil.

    And peaceful

    and loving

    and caring

    and smart.

    Sadly men would never allow it.