nothing in here is true

  1. Sunday, October 22, 2017
  2. Friday, October 20, 2017

    dear tony, is everything horrible, and is everyone terrible? 


    Long time, first time. 

    I love your optimism, but I just don’t see where you get your positivity?

    In my life I feel like everything is horrible. I see people doing hurtful, terrible things to each other. For fun!

    How else am I supposed to look at it?



    Gentle reader,

    let me take you back. how far back? all the way back.

    once upon a time the Lord made the Heavens and the Earth and he said it was Good. for it was.

    then he made Adam and they high fived, named all the animals, and played a delightful game of H-O-R-S-E.

    in the morning the Lord created Eve, and Adam was all, fuck yes!

    God said, look you can do anything you want, just don’t eat from that one tree. You see all these other trees? Eat your faces off. That tree – be cool. You might not even wanna touch it. Capiche?

    Adam and Eve said, what happens if we touch it?

    God said, YOU’LL DIE.

    Adam and Eve said got it.

    God skateboards outta there and the next thing you know a freaking snake is convincing them to eat from the tree and when the Lord finds out he’s heartbroken.

    He cries and cries because this is the first time any of his Earthly creations did him wrong. He can’t understand it.

    He’s pissed at the snake and takes away its legs and kicks it in the head. it slithers away leaving just Adam and Eve to wonder what God’s gonna do to them.

    but all he can do is look at them and ask WTF people

    W T F?

    so are people horrible? kinda.

    is life terrible? no.

    life is beautiful and sometimes people do things you don’t expect.

    we all come from Adam and Eve who were the original fuckups.

    even their kids were dumbasses. well, one was, for certain.

    i don’t know how you want to maneuver through this river of deceit, but heres how i do it:

    i know it’s gonna be weird. so i expect the weird. i know some of it’s gonna be good, but im still expecting weird.

    when the good comes i take it all in because i know there might be some not-so-good around the corner

    and i don’t wanna be heartbroken the way God was when he saw that unpeeled forbidden fruit

    and that snickering snake.

    if life was Maddon football at the easy level we’d all be bored outta our gourds.

    accept the Expert level and keep playing.

  3. Thursday, October 19, 2017

    what does the good book say about people being mean to me? 

    Dear Tony,

    Fellow XBI agent here. 

    People are being very mean to me. I don’t understand why. I’ve asked and they won’t tell me. 

    I don’t know where to turn for help. You talk about the Bible a lot. Is there solace in it… for this?

    Sorry about the Cubs,

    Kid Camaro

    dear Camaro,

    if you are really xbi, which i doubt that you are, you’d know that it’s our job to suck it up.

    we are the place the buck stops.

    so if someone is being mean then take it.

    fucking take it.

    what does the bible say? it says pretty much the same thing. it says people who oppress you will probably not get punished for it, or suffer in any way. so move on.

    but heres what i say.

    i say if you feel victimized, and indeed you are xbi, do the thing that xbi is here to do

    help people.

    aint nobody in this whole world who couldn’t use a little help with something.

    help them.

    you are a speck of dust in a forgotten broom in the hall closet of the universe

    but when you help someone

    you become magic.

    so sparkle, fucker.

  4. Wednesday, October 18, 2017

    when you are trying to win you’ll try anything 

    so today i didnt ask to leave work early to rush home to watch the game

    i didnt even leave work until late.

    then i ubered. then i lyfted.

    people didnt wanna go very far but fuckit.

    rich lady and her friend.

    two sorority girls going across campus.

    rich guy going four blocks.

    it was a little bit of a joke actually that i just kept going in circles.

    almost like the universe was all come on tony watch the game

    your team is fighting for their lives in the playoffs!

    but i just listened on the radio.

    made $50 and headed home.

    im gonna die poor and misunderstood.

    something will happen to this blog and i betya even archive.org wont be able to cache it properly

    and i know i shouldnt worry about these kinds of things, i should just worry whether the Lord will forgive me for causing pain in peoples lives.

    i dont mean it when it happens. am i not supposed to care about things? isnt it worse when no one cares. i care.

    so much.

    so of course when i got home i turned on the game on my phone and sat in my car as the cubs struggled to get out of the 8th

    no thanks to the umps who had a discussion and decided that no matter how much they enjoyed working with the cubs manager joe maddon

    they were gonna fuck him in front of the home crowd.

    and he yelled at this one and that one and the other and then behind his back one of the umps threw him out of the game

    joe cares. thats how he became great. thats why they gave him mgr of the year last year.

    and thats how he got all those gray hairs.

    and after the game he was polite and said he respects the umps and have enjoyed dealing with them this year

    but they were wrong.

    and after the game one of the umps agreed

    i was wrong, he said.

    cubs won any how.

    inspite of them.

    inspite of everything.

  5. you can’t say you beat LA in 7 games unless you lose 3 first 

    i was sick yesterday. from the wind? from the stress of the game?

    from the lady this weekend who sat behind me coughing as i snapchatted our panels?

    who knows. all i knows is i lazed around yesterday not thinking of nothing and i feel better today.

    you know whats weird about life? no matter how old you get there will always be someone who thinks they know about what you know better than you.

    look no further than no drama obama.

    my man took us from the depths of a recession into so much prosperity that even after he is gone the stock market is booming and unemployment is lower and lower.

    but do people run around saying OMG OBAMA THANK YOU?

    no. in fact they LET all the fakers and liars say the opposite.

    so if that happens to someone who so clearly turned the ship around, imagine what theyre saying ’bout you willis?

    and trust me, i know i throw a lot of curveballs. i dress humbly the way the bible says. i live humbly as the gospel preaches. but i work hard, i skate fast, and i leave behind a path of smiles and laughter.

    meanwhile those who leave in their wake heartache, confusion and misery are held higher because they wear a dress shirt.

    i wore a dress shirt at the LA Times and that didn’t keep me from getting canned even after i took top of the ticket from a half million to a million to two million to three million month after month.

    if people dont want you around theyre not gonna care what you do to the scoreboard. theyre gonna make up lies. theyre gonna say that wasnt really a recession theyre gonna say those numbers are fake news theyre gonna say

    republicans woulda turned it around faster.

    so heres the good news. you do move the needle. you do make things better. you are the i in team.

    you are the magic in the makeup

    so stop making up negativity.

  6. Monday, October 16, 2017

    apparently a walk off home run was hit by the dodgers last night 

    i wouldnt know because the television was turned off seconds before the critical moment.

    a pretty girl in my home was the one who did the honors.

    moments before the moment she asked

    why did the batter, then the pitcher, then the catcher all call time out?

    i said because everyone’s very nervous because a hit ends the game and an out gives the Cubs another chance to take this series to Wrigley tied up.

    she was very hyper for some reason as i stood in my bedroom staring at the tv

    rooting each and every pitch

    as my cats snoozed on the nearby bed.

    then suddenly she lunged towards the electronics and the tv turned off.

    she didn’t hit the power button on the remote

    she literally unplugged the complicated set-up.

    i raced to the living room to fire up the tv there because Lord knows how long it would take me to resuscitate the bedroom situation

    but the living room tv betrayed me as it needed to warm up and and and ahhhhhhh so i ran back to the bedroom and began the arduous task of rewiring the setup

    and as i did i heard the familiar strains of Randy Newman’s “I Love LA”

    the 30+ year old song that the Dodgers play at the end of a victory.

    the television did not show me anything but a sickening blue screen of death

    but it did let me know everything i needed to know

    because of that music.

    i knew the Cubs had lost.

    they would not be playing that delightful tune if mighty Casey had struck out.

    i stopped what i was doing.

    i put on my pants and a shirt.

    i found my phone.

    i kissed the girl on the cheek, and said, i need to take a walk.

    she said, i didnt mean to–  i said, i know you didn’t.

    i know.

    and i drove.

    and i drove.

    to the 99 cent store

    and bought $27 worth of fuck if i know what.

  7. Saturday, October 14, 2017

    the good thing about uber and lyft is 

    let’s say you get popped by a damn red light camera not coming to a full stop

    and let’s say that the fine is $500

    you really can go out into the world at all hours

    and you can make that $500 in a week, or a week and-a-half

    i went to court on Friday at like 8:30am and paid the $10 cash to park in the court basement

    it was cash only.

    and i wondered why does the beverly hills court want cash so badly?

    aren’t all-cash operations only doing that because they wanna dodge some taxes?

    so why is a city doing that?

    is there graft in the poshest city in LA?

    and i went to the cour room and there were a couple dozen of us there.

    and we read our names on the print out and the balif said some funny jokes, one of them directed at our dear president.

    and we plead guilty, not guilty or no contest.

    it was a judge pro-tem so he was extra careful to explain everything beautifully.

    and along the way i overheard someone say there was video on the website, not just still pictures.

    and i was all uh oh. because all i had seen were the still pictures and those didn’t really prove anything. well today i saw the video and i wish i had seen it before i plead not guilty because after further review im so guilty they should impeach me from office.

    cubs lost today too.

    but they were supposed to.

    tomorrow im pretty sure they will win. mostly because they played well today even though they were tired AF.

    and it was hot.

    and sometimes the stars are conspiring against you.

    and i should slow down anyways.

    lifes a cabaret, old chum.

  8. Friday, October 13, 2017

    the libras biggest struggle is to truly let go 

    im not a control freak. i swear.

    i feel like im the best team player because i know what its like to be the leader, the quasi leader, and the not leader.

    these people get in the uber and theyre so used to being the leader that they think they gotta tell me how to get to the airport

    and im all, negro, do you know how many times ive gotten someone to the airport

    in rush hour traffic, on the 405?

    and youd think if you have a benz and its clean and theres a liscense plate that says


    and the license plate holder that says 2016 world series champs

    and miles davis is playing

    and ive got water, mints, and a super long cord

    that id be trusted.

    but no.

    some people think they have to do it all and im all sit back and let me do

    what im best at.

    what if it turns out that i was never meant to be a writer or a director or a baseball manager

    but i was meant to be the worlds greatest uber driver.

    would that be so bad?

    theres some people who will never be the worlds greatest anything.

    i appreciate people so much. i see them. i know they see me see them.

    people should try to be the worlds greatest something.

    they should strive.

    i strive like crazy.

    im over here striving my head off.

    but ok mr advertising exec tell me how to drive on the 405.

    the jungle i was sent to this planet to traverse across.

  9. Thursday, October 12, 2017

    theres like four days a year when i have to work late 

    and tonight was one of them: the student academy awards

    there was nothing i could do about it. had to work.

    i got some peeks here and there throughout the crazy night.

    but for the most part i had to just trust

    which i can’t say i did. but i tried.

    did what i had to do, didn’t do a bad job, considering

    and listened to the last inning as i sped home trying to see even a glimpse of it

    but when i was parking they won. they won that damn game!

    they head here, to LA!

    i could see it. it’s just money. but it’s a lot. and Dodger fans aren’t the coolest come playoffs.

    and last year during one of the games Todd and I just sat in the outfield bar

    for good luck.

    i could do that anywhere.

    and thank God i now have that option.

    whooooo hoooooooooooo!

  10. cop shows up in my uber backseat, an undercover one 

    he has a beautiful wife.

    but as i have told many before, i can find out everything about my passengers within the first 5 minutes of the ride as long as they talk to me.

    it’s like that weird 20 Questions game you can get at the drug store as a stocking stuffer.

    whenever i pick up someone from a hotel i ask them if theyre in from outta town and usually they are. so i ask them where and they tell me.

    this pair was from Denver. they seemed rich. it was a fancy hotel. Uber Select. going to a fancy restaurant. so i say, may i ask you a question about where youre from?

    they straightened up with excitement.

    i said, LA will soon have legal weed. your state has had it and has made a billion in tax revenue in less than a year. that seems like a lot of pot. has it negatively affected your city at all? has anything drastically changed?

    then he revealed to me that he was a cop. he said that the only thing that has changed is more tourists come to town. other than that crime is neither up nor down. all is well. then he added this:

    “the sheriff and i sit on his porch and pass a joint back and forth. it’s nice.”

    he did say this interesting fact… that emergency room visits are up, usually from hotels, of tourists who buy edibles and eat too many of them and freak out. they get rushed to the hospital where they just have to wait for the THC to get through their system.

    i said, so if LA was to learn anything from Colorado it would be to pay great care to edibles?

    he said yes. make sure they are clearly marked with the dosage and each cookie or brownie or whatever should be equal to ONE DOSE.

    it was a very pleasant conversation and he gave me a $5 tip and then said

    I’d give you $4.20 but you were superb.