nothing in here is true

  1. Sunday, April 9, 2017

    been sick all weekend 

    didnt do shit yesterday, did less today

    been coughing sneezing barfing.

    needed an emotional rescue.

    from somewhere beyond a pretty girl offered to be my roommate

    “just friends” for the next six months.

    i said, no thank you.

    she said, i’ll clean your house and pay you 1/3 of your rent.

    i said did that last year with jeanine and it turned into a year

    and it was very uncomfortable for both parties involved.

    while she was texting me that, the prettiest girl ive ever swiped on bumble

    swiped me back

    and we had a nice little conversation about astrology

    and i thought to myself, if Putin was intercepting my phone messages

    he’d think im the biggest stud in the universe.

    but alas

    just a dude in a robe and a toque

    with wads of tp in his nostrils to stop the bleeding

    from blowing his nose too much.

    waiting for his thai food to arrive.

  2. Saturday, April 8, 2017

    pride is a deadly sin 

    and i am the worlds biggest sinner about certain things.


    for example: im probably the greatest uber driver ever.

    and there are a lot of uber drivers.

    you dont need a tray of candy, condoms and mints.

    you dont need a lot of bottles of water.

    you need to be a good driver, and love people.

    if you know a little too much about the surroundings, thats a bonus.

    if you are genuinely curious about the world and the people who live there, even better.

    and i will say, it helps to have been around the block a few times.

    after a strange day at work it was really nice to drive the kids of usc

    around their weird campus in south central.

    one beautiful asian girl, after i asked her if she lives with her boyfriend said,

    “no because sometimes i like to get naked, put self tanner on, and stand with my arms out, eating grapes as i watch youtube videos. i dont need some man making fun.”

    got hit by this allergy attack yesterday probs due to the super bloom.

    on any other day i woulda called in sick but i had to go to this meeting which determines the whole next week.  runny nose, sneezing, general ickiness. the benedryl makes me feel sick.

    so driving around usc i had run out of kleenex and i got a ping from a young lady at the Taco Bell down from the 9-0.

    so i texted back “be right there, can you pick me up some napkins?”

    got there, she had the napkins, and i drove her and her friends to this cool taco joint + bar.

    we took a selfie by the curb

    got 15 rides in 3 hours for my $45 bonus.

    one dude said, do you know you look just like tom morello.

    and while going home i got a regular uber x ping. i said fine, why not.

    turned out to be two of the most beautiful young nurses you ever saw

    right outside of the natural history museum

    i was all, omg i guess its first friday, which it was and it had just let out.

    the ladies, one of them scandalously exposing her midriff, giggled, buzzed

    no clue who had just performed

    told me some wonderful stories about working at childrens hospital

    we drove to where the johnny rockets used to be on melrose

    somehow i only made $8 on the 8-mile ride

    but they were such a delight.

    let me tell you.

    i asked them about what college they went to.

    they said they met at this christian college in san berdue

    i said shut your mouth, the only thing i love more than the cubs is talking about the bible!

    whats your favorite story

    and the one told me about the story of Esther

    and she told it so well and so colorfully that we all clapped when she was done.

    it’s 2:20am. if i had an electric car i would still be out there.

  3. Thursday, April 6, 2017

    some dude tried to diss me because i blog 

    i wanted to say caucasian, please.

    theres something about me that should probably change. i get into internet fights alllll the time.

    i cant help it. people say stupid fucking shit and i  am overwhelmed with the desire to let them know that the universe (of which I am a part) heard them and disagree!

    but thats when disappointment kicks in. rarely is there an interesting back and forth. it’s always some nonsense that has nothing to do with the original point. it’s always omg youre a liberal or youre living in california or youre

    omg a blogger?!?!!

    i want to say, no i am the manager of the chicago cubs. i live in a mansion in maui surrounded by orphans and topless hula nurses. im only in california because the cubs have a perfectly good manager. and im trying to find a girl who loves me for me and not my tropical paradise


    theres this great story about these kids at a high school who work at at the school newspaper, who got a new principal. so they decided to write a little feature about her, and while they were researching her past they discovered that she had totally lied about her education. one thing led to another and the principal immediately resigned.

    how many times have i stressed the importance of teaching kids journalism and how necessary school papers are in college and high school? millions.

    not just because the kids will often get to the bottom of things, but because through journalism you learn how to write and argue like an adult.

  4. im not like them, i can’t pretend 

    do i know whats going on? nope.

    drove around USC last night hoping to get 15 rides but my secret is out and the place was flooded with Uber cars and I barely got 8. i’ll have to go back tomorrow.

    drove a professor to his apartment downtown. had a ride with three dudes one of em stunk.

    but the funniest was these two sorority girls who i picked up at a liquor store and took em to The Row. thats where all the frat and sorority houses are.  Half way there they realized they didnt have a place to store their booze. The original plan was to put it in the trunk of the car of one of their sisters, but they found out that she was caught up and couldn’t make it for a while.

    So on the way to the house they brainstormed:

    We could hide it in the bushes under the airconditioner behind the house.

    We could ask one of the frat dudes to hold it for us.

    We could try to sneak it in [the bottles were clanking as they said this]

    Finally we got to the sorority house and they got out, bottles still making bottle noises, they got out, super tight shorts, perfume that smelled of vanilla, and they looked around for a friendly face.

    And I drove away realizing exactly which women voted for Trump last November.

  5. Wednesday, April 5, 2017

    why are the Frisco Giants and SD Padres playing with each other 

    todays Cubs game against the Cardinals is rained out.

    of course it its. it’s April 5th and the game is supposed to be played in St. Louis. a terrible place, especially in early April, in part because of the people, but also because of the weather.

    on the left coast, for some reason the SF Giants and the SD Padres are playing each other beneath clear skies.

    if i was running baseball, which i should be, the month of April would be games hosted solely on the West Coast, in Florida, Texas, ATL and in domes.

    why wouldn’t they?

    sure the east coast teams and midwest teams would be on the road for the first 30 days, but so what? why put butts in seats in foul weather cities in April? wheres the joy in that, Mudville?

    instead, LA, Miami, Atlanta, Toronto, San Diego, and Seattle all started on the road this week? For why?

    in the last 60 hours the Cubs and the White Sox have been rained out three times in two different cities and the Sox game is in jeopardy vs Detroit tonight. In this modern world where interleague games are the norm, why aren’t the Sox playing in the dome of Seattle and why aren’t the Cubs in LA or SD or AZ?

    Because the MLB schedulemakers want that Cubs Cards rivalry to kick off the season OMG OMG

    well how good is it when there are rainouts?

    last year the Cubs opened in Anaheim. perfect! it’s Opening Day week. fans are excited anyway. you don’t need to hedge your bets and have rivals play right off the bat. the seats will be sold.



  6. Tuesday, April 4, 2017

    do i miss frisco? 

    do i miss golden gate park and the bridge and the other bridge and the other bridge and the burritos

    and stepping over homeless dudes with needles still in their arms

    and cold summers and zero rock scenes and no parking

    and cable cars and the n judah and the 26 mission and f market

    and the highest rents in the whole wide world

    and lower haight and upper richmond and barting to the east bay

    and flying into a cloudy soupy grey bump in a log

    and sailing among white caps

    and kissing irish girls and being amazed by marin and the redwoods and sea lions and fair weather niner fans

    and smelling weed everywhere

    and smoking weed everywhere

    and kissing the truest everywhere

    and the dot com startups and the tech bubble start ups

    and the silicon valley start ups who can do everything except

    recreate soul.

    do i miss the asian ppl and the tourists and the mexican kids and the three remaining hippies and the tenderloin and the 500 club and the midtown and the italians and the playgrounds that are all fenced in and the hills and the tall buildings on the hills

    and the way the grass looked blue cuz of the shrooms we ate on divis so we walked and walked

    do i miss the walking or the ugliest beach in all the land or how they said the presidio would not be sold to the highest bidder but to the poor and the non profits and the charities, but alas

    do i miss the sourdough and chinatown and begging a chinese girl on a date for a kiss and when she finally delivers saying meh

    right to her pretty face

    do i miss the street fairs and amoeba and the gay ppl and surprise flowers growing in the weirdest little places

    and victorian after victorian after victorian

    and giant churches and little churches

    and little shops beneath the stairs?


    jk. hella.

  7. zulieka goes on a 9 hour first date 

    At a coffee shop somewhere in Cambridge, I sit between a nerdy math whiz filling up piles of graph paper with hieroglyphics alla Good Will Hunting, and a society of three overweight girls who are knitting. I text “towards the back, red shirt” and kizmet56 takes a seat across from me. He looks barely 20, is rosy-cheeked and smooth-skinned and dressed like a Harvard asshole in a Polo dress shirt. He is so nervous he can’t train his sloe-eyed blue eyes on me, and it seems to me he might have Tourette’s. Ten minutes into the conversation, I think God, this dude might be a virgin.

    read the rest here

  8. Sunday, April 2, 2017

    first day doing lyft exclusively 

    yesterday was old school. yesterday i drove everywhere. yesterday i met everyone.

    yesterday i hit my goal.

    Lyft had a deal, drive 20 rides, get $75. friday i did three rides, so i only needed to do 17 yesterday. i got motivated around noon, so i calculated if i could do 2 an hour id be done at 8pm.

    plenty of time to hit up clipper girls cousin, who was showing some interest again.

    lets see how much i can remember without looking at my notes.

    gay dude fresh from nyc who was going to prep a property for a real estate company he sorta works for

    famous rappers i should know but im old who i picked up in a silver lake motel id never been to before who bumped their own wonderful tunes all the way to redondo beach

    21 yr old barback who had just bought a canon mark 4 for $4k and was bringing it to work for some reason

    cute mexican cousins having a staycation in manhattan beach who i picked up at the ralphs where they had bought booze to continue the celebration in their room who tipped me $5 cash for not being pissed that they made me wait in the crowded parking lot

    gay dude fresh from north carolina who took the red line from north hollywood to the blue line to the green line so he could then take a lyft to the Olive Garden where he works. his car was totaled a few weeks ago.

    posh manhattan beach housewife who had just gotten her nails done and didn’t want to walk the mile home. we passed Frys i said i could never live this close to a Frys, id spend all i own there. she said whats in there? i said, Man’s Heaven. she said women are in there? i said fine, most of Heaven.

    giant dude who barely fit in my back seat who works at the el segundo golf course which it turns out is only $15 because its city-owned. he’s worked there 5 years. he starts at 6am. he was headed to Compton. his mom was about to marry this man. i said oh her second marriage? he said, well she didnt ever marry my dad, so her first marriage. he was going to her house because her future inlaws were throwing a party for them. he said it was gonna be awkward. he said compton used to be really bad but its better now.

    because the Lyft bonus didnt cover rides that far south i drove to USC, got a photographer going to a shoot in DTLA. then i got a model and this fashion designer in the fashion district who Lyft Lined it to his Chinatown studio. along the way this sparkling beautiful asian waitress with black lipstick who told me about all these great pho places to eat in little tokyo. i said, i’ve been loyal to Mr. Ramen. she said omg i used to work there, i loved the reggae music. i said thats why im loyal!

    then this chinese rich girl who totalled her Beamer who was headed to the north hollywood bmw shop to buy her replacement car. she was super nervous. pisces. 23. works at a famous accounting firm. i was like whats to be nervous about, you’ll always have a car payment. plus im sure you know your budget. she said, to be honest, i feel like maybe i dont deserve a nice car after what i just did. i said, by the power vested in me in this magical lyft, you are forgiven, delicate flower.

    next was a young mexican dude who was at a party but needed a ride home real quick to feed and play with his 11 week old puppy. he said his parents were super into punk rock and named his older brother Joey and was about to name him Johnny but his grandma said you cannot name your children after the Ramones. we talked about old school punk pretty much the whole way to KTown.

    then there was the dude from a famous music streaming service who lived near a former infamous police station which everyone thought had been gutted but he said he has seen some undercover vehicles roll out of there that look exactly like plumbing trucks and exterminators but alas theyre surveillance vehicles y’all. he was going to yang chow home of the slippery shrimp and damn there was a giant line there due to the dodger game that just let out.

    got a ping up in echo park. three usc grad students who were snapchatting, instagramming and singing right as they entered the car because i was playing r kelly and they knew every word. they were going to see the Migos and Rae Srummurd – free concert at USC if you were a student. i said suddenly i am a student at USC! we talked about astrology. the libra in the back seat said Scorpios are garbage! i said Libra girl! her friend the Cancer said AGREED! later that night i heard the concert was shut down after just two songs from the Migos because the kids at USC let too many of their friends in and people felt unsafe.

    only one more ride left. got a recent USC grad, film major from hong kong. sharp as a tack. she said whats the easiest way to get an oscar before i turn 32? i want to beat Damien Chazelle. i said, first of all youre a woman so good luck with that. she gasped. i was all, jk, roll with me. then i said, Shorts is one way but you’ll probably have to finance that yourself because why would a producer give you money for something that wont make him any money. she said OR HER. i was all, didnt i say chill. she laughed. we picked up her friend along the way. i said ok another way is Foreign Language. she said what are the requirements, that i have to shoot it over seas? i said no, its gotta be in a foreign language. i said so like China. she said id rather it be in French. so i said bonne chance jeune fille.

    got hope, ate, drank, passed out before clipper girl texted me, which she did all night as i snoozed and the kittens tried to steal the blankets.

  9. Friday, March 31, 2017

    why am i so angry 

    like im really mad, almost all of the time.

    the only time im not is when im driving someone on uber or lyft.

    how crazy is that?

    last night people were cutting me off, making weird turns, not using their blinkers, swerving

    coulda sworn i saw a guy making a chinese chicken salad AS HE DROVE

    we were near the grove which is a magnet for terrible drivers.

    pretty sure that was an indian burial ground at some point.

    picked up these kids who worked on a tv show at Television City.

    they were talking about how the schedule for the movies that they are screening at the Hollywood Forever cemetery just came out and they were stoked to see Clueless there.

    one of the kids was all, how disrespectful, watching a movie on top of a dead body.

    other kid goes, and by kid i mean they were in their 20s, we were driving up into the hollywood hills to see a secret comedy show in a mansion.

    one of them called the place The Orgy House because of the decor.

    so the one kid says to the other, everywhere we go we are stepping on dead bodies, you think current cemeteries are the only place where there are dead people?

    there was talk about cavemen, indians, cowboys, mexicans, the poor.

    and yeah, we are constantly walking on the past.

    tramping them down deeper.

    forgetting about them, using them as roads, sidewalks, dirt paths.

    what do you think dirt is made of one of them asked indignantly.

    dreams, i whispered and sped up the mountain.

  10. Thursday, March 30, 2017

    might have to drive all night tonight 

    last week i didnt drive because uber was being weird about the money they owed me

    so i tried to do lyft premium only but we all know they dont have enough passengers right now for that to be sustainable

    so i am a little behind in my affairs thus

    i may have to pull an outrageous double shift of work tonight.

    i wanna see this pretty girl who says nice things to me but when the rubber hits the road shes nowhere, man

    maybe its anxiety. maybe im gross. well, i AM gross. i cant even stand to look at myself some mornings.

    other days im all, hey put on some pants, you.

    lyft has a deal that if i can do 15 rides tonight they’ll give me $80. thats like getting a $5 tip for every ride. dont you think i would drive all night if i knew everyone was gonna tip me $5?

    what will i do with the money? ive got debts somehow! how did that happen?

    i know how. you make money and you think that’ll always happen. then it slows down and you arent paying off that plastic the way you used to.

    i cant even imagine what id do if i couldnt drive. would i freelance? i never liked freelancing. chasing down money. writing for people who didnt understand you. and omg the stress.

    which is why i dont understand this pretty girl. all that every happens when we hang out are sweet things.

    i may have even lit a few candles the last time. i may have even turned on the aroma machine. i may have even put on some good music.

    men are from mars we think theres logically solutions to all problems. and not having a runway model spin, turn, and walk down your hallway as the cats watch and the shadows dance on the mexican blanket curtains is a problem.

    unlike the debts, there are a zillion solutions in LA to this particular dilemma

    which is weird because theres two zillion answers to the debt deal in this town,

    trust me