nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, August 15, 2017

    the key to success is to keep trying weird ass shit 

    the World Champion Chicago Cubs did something a little different yesterday

    actually, World Series Champion manager Joe Maddon tried something different.

    the mighty Joey Votto of the Cincinnati Reds was up. he’s a super good hitter.

    so Maddon took his third baseman, the reigning NL MVP Kris Bryant

    and placed him between the left and center fielders.

    this allowed his corner outfielders to get closer to the foul lines

    and it tempted Votto to sacrifice his power and instead poke the ball to the wide open spaces of left.

    Maddon is well renown for trying new approaches to the centuries old baseball


    sure there are critics from time to time who spout stupid ass shit but he’s got a ring and they don’t, so suck it, traditionalists.

    what Maddon did last night and does frequently by doing things like batting the pitcher 8th and having a dance party after every win, is what many successful people do:

    whatever they damn well please as long as they continue to win.

    yesterday Votto creamed a hanging curveball over first base for a double



    (Cubs won 15-5, btw)

  2. Monday, August 14, 2017

    ive seen a lot of things in my life and im only half way done 

    one thing ive seen is the magic power of the people.


    ive also see the magic power of super terrible d bags.

    other day i was walking down my street and this family was walking their new puppy.

    puppy squats down and unloads a big steaming log.

    nice old asian lady was watching to see what they were gonna do because it was gross.

    family just kept moving.

    lady yells PICK UP AFTER DOG


    the dad placed his cigarette into his mouth and raised his hand up in the air and flipped her a bird.

    my mouth was agape.

    old lady’s mouth was agape!

    even the little puppy’s mouth was agape because even the puppy knew you shouldnt flip off old ladies.

    then from above us the clouds grew dark, congregated, shook a little

    and then lightning struck the dad dead right there on Cahuenga.

    a little smoke rose from his heap.

    the dog sniffed the dad only to be tugged away by the leash which was now being held by the mom.

    the family began walking again.

    old lady yelled PICK UP AFTER DAD





  3. Sunday, August 13, 2017

    and they will be met with fire and nonchalance 

    several times in the Good Book it’s mentioned that we should have a fear of God.

    i think that means we shouldn’t worry that on Judgement Day he will overlook the big stuff

    of course he will bring up all the good and bad things you did.

    but to me the fear of God is he will also remember all the little details.

    like who did you support when it came to racism, intentional ignorance, and hate.

    simple things like that.

    aint no fucking Nazis in Heaven

    why should there be any in America?

    that’s what a president should say.

  4. Friday, August 11, 2017

    the older i get the more i want to direct a movie 

    things people should do before they die

    1. see a Tom Waits concert
    2. fly a helicopter
    3. attend the world series
    4. swim in both the pacific and the atlantic
    5. experience an earthquake
    6. write a book
    7. direct a movie
    8. have a spiritual breakthrough
    9. experience poverty
    10. spin records on FM radio within Safe Harbor
    11. starve for 30 hours
    12. spend the night outside waiting in line for something
    13. visit Sweden
    14. dine in Lyon
    15. sit in the bleachers of Wrigley Field
    16. spend the night in Sedona
    17. pray in Jerusalem
  5. Thursday, August 10, 2017

    took amber to see her hero Lady Gaga last night at the Forum 

    Lady Gaga
    The Fabulous Forum
    The Joanne Tour

    is Lady Gaga a genius? hmmmm. i have seen her perform live now four times. the first was with Yoko Ono which was magical.

    the last time I saw her was a few years ago with amber and it was less than magical.

    last night there were moments that were super emotional and it made me think that despite all the glitz and showwomanship and glitter and whoha, what Lady Gaga should do is an acoustic tour with maybe a small string section.

    Because when Gaga strips it down her voice is one of the best there is. She can belt out tunes so easily it’s crazy.

    Since she writes everything she performs, she knows precisely where the notes are going and she is like Michael Jordan

    she approaches the climax but gets bored along the way and switches hands, spins, and dunks it home

    seemingly to entertain herself, first, and then the ever-appreciative crowd.

    all of that gets lost with the video screens and weird fake clouds and lasers and dancers and band that she thinks so little of that she didn’t even introduce or acknowledge them last night.

    is Gaga a good dancer? no. her moves consist of an advanced version of The Robot.

    her costumes aren’t even that outrageous any more.

    there once was a time when Elton John, David Bowie, and even Motely Crue outdressed their audience, but Gaga is outshined by her Little Monsters every night – fashion wise


    what’s not ok is IF she is a genius, it’s being overshadowed by layers and layers of production

    last night she was almost literally stepping over her fans in the general admission arena floor to walk over to the second stage on the far end of the Forum to appease the people in the cheap seats.

    while it’s admirable to give love to the people in the nosebleeds, maybe the worst “seats” for this tour are the ones on the floor because either Gaga is on a riser on the stage that’s constantly in motion or she’s strutting on a temporary bridge above them.

    we originally sat slightly behind the stage (because im a cheap bastard and the $200 face-value tix were going for $75 on Stubhub) but after a few tunes we realized that we really should dance ourway to a more practical section.

    The Lord was looking down on us and lead us to maybe the best seats in the house, middle, lower, right on an aisle next to two middle aged fans who, when asked, informed us that no one had sat there all night.

    in front of us was a mom with her 7-8 year old daughter.

    the mom valiantly tried to cover her darling angels eyes during an R-rated video montage (used so Gaga could do a costume change, of which there were 3-4 through the night). Later she covered her ears when the singer talked about how she was going through a phase of “owning my Inner Whore.”

    even though there were a sprinkling of grade school kids here and there, at these prices, the kids were rightfully left at home.

    and if anything this show was meant for The Gays, and they were in attendance in full force.

    Before sitting down to her see-through colorful grand piano she asked if there were any members of the LGBTQ

    pretty much the whole place erupted.

    Hers is a very loving, accepting, free-spirited environment where All Are Welcome and it is very much an evening to dance.

    But, she is such an overwhelmingly talented performer that it rarely comes across in a setting with booming bass, pyrotechnics, and endless array of distractions.

    While it’s obvious that she is doing an excellent job of appeasing her base, when she actually started playing that technicolor piano, the well meaning mom gushed with tears as Gaga performed an acoustic version of “Edge of Glory”. When the singer hesitated a beat to compose herself, the audience sang the next line in unison which sent chills down my back and made the mom cry even more.

    THAT is what you can do when your audience loves you, has memorized every word, and does not need the crutch of production to be connected to you.

    didn’t touring with Tony Bennett teach you anything girl?

    If I had any advice to Gaga it would be: do a tour where you play guitar for a few tunes, then piano for the rest, then during the encore have a 20 minute dance party.

    last night there were 0 encores, 0 opening acts, 0 intermissions and even though the Forum Facebook page said she would start at 7:30p, the show started well after that.

    still, today, I keep humming

    “Just Dance.. do do do do do…”

  6. Wednesday, August 9, 2017

    do you realize 

    That you have the most beautiful face
    Do you realize we’re floating in space,
    Do you realize that happiness makes you cry
    Do you realize that everyone you know someday will die
    And instead of saying all of your goodbyes, let them know
    You realize that life goes fast
    It’s hard to make the good things last
    You realize the sun doesn’t go down
    It’s just an illusion caused by the world spinning round
    – The Flaming Lips

    Continue reading “do you realize”

  7. Tuesday, August 8, 2017

    what if the sun’s a lie 

    what if these rich white men don’t know what theyre doing

    what if that dude in korea hates his life, hates what hes done to his people, is sick of that terrible music

    and is all, you know, fuckit fire le missile.

    what if his generals are all, but sir

    and what if he says, i said fire le missile!

    and what if his generals say

    first of all it’s not french, you are not french

    and even if we all were french it would be


    because it would cause the Mother of All Dumb Events

    what if that general was ushered away for speaking out of turn.

    what if my whole life is me speaking out of turn.

    what if they usher me away one day

    why havent they yet?

    am i the usher?

    am i the way?

    are you the day?

    what if the suns a lie and its not there to give us warmth but to kill us.

    what if bruce is only half right and everything dies but it dont come back.

    what if God is like Life is a toothpaste tube and i dont squeeze that shit back in it.

    even though i could.

    what if theres a world where the toughest part of their olympics is

    shoving paste back in the tube.

    and people love the people who can do it the best, with no mess?

    that would not be a world that i would want to party with.

    the older you get the fewer ragers you go to

    even though now you know the cops.

    and even though cops, like the sun, are also lies.

  8. Monday, August 7, 2017

    i wish you knew me, she said 

    i said, oh i know you.

    she said if you knew me we wouldnt fight so much.

    if you knew me you would have called me this morning on your way to work.

    if you knew me youd tell me how your day was when i ask.

    if you knew me SHE wouldn’t be in your apartment.

    i said, youre so young you wear purple lipstick and

    lip STAIN, she corrected

    i said youre so young you think theres a difference between lipstick and lipstain

    also, i know you.

    i know what you want (Everything).


    but you cannot have everything and that bothers you.


    and what you need to understand is what you should focus on instead of the things that You want are the things that people less fortunate than you


    oh god.


    i wish you knew me

    she mumbled.

  9. Sunday, August 6, 2017

    todd had an art opening on Saturday night 

    it was a celebration of his entire career which has spanned designing the skateboard decks for several companies, a wide world of art, and his cartoons for legendary magazines like Penthouse

    in fact Penthouse was there to interview the man of the hour

    the place was packed with family, friends, fans, and even kids who got their decks signed.

    what’s amazing about Todd is he is one of the few artists you know who have been able to avoid “real jobs” for most of his adult life. for the exception of the short time that he was roommates with me in Frisco, Todd has always made his living from doing art.

    and whats best of all is Todd’s art doesn’t hold back. it’s in your face, it’s dark, it’s powerful, and it’s funny. all the things that will stop you from being able to go commercial, but the thing about Todd is he couldn’t care less about commercial.

    he has been put on this earth to let it all out.

    he’s here to keep it real.

    and if not entirely real, real gross.

    the show was held at Shepard Fairey’s gallery on Sunset, Subliminal Projects.

    before the show i asked Amber what she wanted to get from the night and she said “inspiration”.

    she asked me what i wanted and i said, i hope Shepard is there.

    not only was he but he was super nice to everyone and provided the soundtrack to our lives.

    i nearly brought this Obama sticker that I wanted him to sign, but i couldnt find it, and anyways the night was about Todd.

    while i was thanking Shepard for hosting the night, he said, “oh man ive been a fan of his for years.”

    earlier Todd said that Shepard was into the skating scene from way back, which i totally forgot.

    Shepard said he first met Todd in the 90s with Tony Gonzalez or Mark Gonzalez, someone, and that guy showed him the Anti Hero Eagle series and Shepard was all

    oh yeah.

    right there.

    a trio of those decks welcomed people into the gallery, which couldn’t be more appropo.

    afterwards amber and i watched exit through the gift shop

    to complete the theme.

  10. Friday, August 4, 2017

    my man todd francis is in the weekly this week 

    he was the illustrator of the Daily Nexus.

    he was so good i made him my assistant arts editor because i wanted his art on the cover of our section every week.

    he always delivered.

    after college when i was transferred up to Frisco i needed a place to live and he had a spare room in his apartment on 22nd and Folsom.

    we had a mice problem. there was a hole in the apartment somewhere. but he had these giant snakes in a fish tank.

    he let them out to roam. they ate all the mice and slithered back into their tanks.

    todd was the first person i met who said its ok to have dinner consisting of nothing but vegetables.

    we even tried it a few times.

    those were the days of AOL. id sit in my room on a 14.4 modem writing poems in the poetry rooms and sexting the girls who i hope were women. it was pretty easy to tell the fakers, but you never know. i probably said something to some dudes without knowing it.

    ah frisco.

    todd and i saw the OJ chase together because he loved hoops even more than i did, especially anthony mason and patrick ewing.

    so as we were watching the game they broke in with the slow Bronco chase and we got to see parts of LA that we missed.

    little did i know that Todd would slowly become one of the biggest names of skateboard design.

    i didnt know how far his fame had reached until i was back home in ILL a year ago and in our crappy mall there was a skate shop and i asked the kid if he knew about Todd and among 100 boards he quickly picked out the 5-6 that he designed.

    he said he drove to the city to get Todds autograph back when he was doing a book signing.

    so many talented friends at the Daily Nexus.

    we were all so lucky to have had each other.

    because if you are the only one with weird ideas, gross pictures, or stupid plots to change the world:

    it’s nice to have a room full of others who, instead of vetoing you, say,

    “you think that’s weird, check this shit out.”