nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, July 12, 2018

    i have lived the greatest life and i am so thankful 

    today about 666 present and former employees of the LA Times joined together to say goodbye to the Times building

    our home away from home

    our home

    our home.

    i saw so many people who i never thought would be there. i saw faces whose names i didnt remember. i saw people who looked EXACTLY as they did when I was last there.

    and i love them all

    it was all so sweet.

    in many ways it was just like we left it

    “new” carpet and equipment and tv and stuff but almost everything was in the same place.

    yes amber and i took the tour last month but that was a limited thing and we didnt get to talk to too many people

    but this was different, this was a real homecoming where we got to wander around the sprawling building. which was a little weird without a lot of the pictures that used to line the walls, and framed iconic newspaper front pages that saluted you as you walked through the ground floor.

    there was the elevator that i once rode with Rihanna as she was visiting her then-boyfriend Chris Brown

    there was the office i once received a gigantic bonus in

    there was the bathroom i once took a cool selfie in

    and there was the spot where my desk once was where i learned that Michael Jackson had died

    and where i watched Barack Obama get elected.

    i feel that i am so lucky because these are some of the smartest and sharpest minds in the entire game.

    old cohorts who are now here there and everywhere. we are so spread out but tonight we were together mixed in with the young writers, some of whom, weirdly, i know too.

    i am so happy, which is weird because i thought i was gonna be so sad. i thought i was gonna cry the whole time.

    this was my dream job. this is where i had hoped i could work at for so long.

    this is where i wrote about on this blog time after time after time, never truly believing i would ever work at

    and then when i was gone, a place i had thought had totally forgotten about me.

    i was so wrong. i am always so wrong.

    turned out people did remember me. and some knew me who had never met me.

    we talked and hugged and i drank and we took so many pictures and i even got a few parting gifts. which is crazy because the whole thing was a gift.

    you can dream. you can tell everyone what you want. and at some point you might even get a shot at what you want.

    and then its all about working working working to feel like you belong.

    to feel like you deserve to be there.

    i may never feel that way no matter how great our results were, but i was there.

    i was in the game.

    i got to see the thing from the inside

    and i am so grateful, it’s crazy.

    but you know whats really crazy? that in a few weeks this will all be gone.

    the place where so much happened.

    where everything and everyone happened

    it will all be gone.

    just more square footage to be rented out.

    life is so bizarre

    ask for what you want, then french kiss it.

  2. only got a few hours of sleep last night, which is rare 

    usually amber and i watch a Sopranos or two and hit the hay once she starts snoring.

    sometimes im the one who snores first.

    then someone shuts off the tv, claps twice and the christmas lights and aroma therapy stops and the cats realize it’s the end of another broadcast day.

    but yesterday was a good day for lots of reasons. so good that as she and i were walking home from dinner i spotted a Bird scooter right there on Sunset. i looked on my app to see if it was a decent reward to charge it up and free it in the morning and sure enough it was worth $11. so i took it and charged it.

    amber usually works very early in the morning and often she kisses me goodbye and that will send me back to a peaceful slumber but sometimes it riles me up and i cant get back to sleep. because i hadnt slept well i had a hard time getting back.

    so i watched tv and looked at my phone and fed the cats and considered releasing the bird.

    but everything i did i did in slow motion and with the hope that i would get groggy and pass out for one more hour. for a half hour. for 15 more minutes. but no.

    my mind was racing. so many ideas. so many weird thoughts, oh so many.

    and now its a bit after noon and my body is like mmmmm nap fool. nap.

    but now is when the world wants me.

    and i want it.

  3. Monday, July 9, 2018

    sometimes things are good 

    and you dont wanna talk too much about them because you dont wanna jinx it

    even though you dont believe in jinxes

    but you just wanna let everything fall in place the way they seem to be falling

    and not be the thing that clogs up the system.

    took a guy from the beach up the 405 and then we wound our way through Sherman Oaks

    up in the hills, in places i hadn’t been before because im not all that familiar with the val

    and he had an interesting disposition like he was just about to erupt at any minute.

    he had what i have when i have kidney stones and im waiting for the one thing to lead to the other thing

    which eventually leads to someone eventually giving me morphine or demoral or heroin

    whatever phony name they wanna call it

    which eventually kills the pain and guides me to a beautiful dreamy sleep.

    but before that happens you have to deal with The World which is full of People

    and typically i am in love with those things but when theres a little baby asteroid in my loins i hate everyone

    mostly because i am not allowed to say, look i know what the problem is, i drink too much pop

    and the stone has been created, and it’s too big for my body and now i need that one or two shots of H

    please and thank you.

    this guy was like me. this guy was ready to pop. this guy, even when we were talking about happy things, had this edge

    and i wanted to tell him look, we’re gonna get there, it’s gonna be ok. everythings gonna be fine.

    and because of the 4th and the 100 degree heat (which was 112 in the val) traffic was amazing because everyone else said

    fuck. this.

    and stayed home in their airconditioning or pool side or ocean side

    it was a dream.

    and i didnt think i was gonna get a tip from him because even though we had a lot in common,

    he didnt seem the happiest guy

    and i didn’t really have the morphine he was probably looking for.

    but alas the next day i checked the app, and boom, he tipped me $10

    and i did a little jig in my sweltering apartment.

  4. Friday, July 6, 2018
  5. Thursday, July 5, 2018

    deep down im a basic bitch 

    i eat mcdonalds, i drink cokes, i still pay for cable.

    so naturally i ran outside to see the fireworks last night.

    the pretty girl had been napping because she had woken up at 4:20am to get to work.

    around 8pm she was all, “10 more minutes” and smiled.

    so i took a shower. when i returned she said

    “i sleep now.”

    when amber’s tired she has trouble conjugating.

    but i bombarded her with kisses and due to the fact i have very stinky breath and spikey stubble she miraculously arose.

    she said, “take me to Dodger Stadium” but unfortunately the game had ended by the time we arrived and the fireworks, for what i could tell were over.

    but alas the rest of the city was just warming up. so i remembered a party i went to once on the most east end of Echo Park. our friend Michelle L. used to live there. it was on an incline and there was a park at the top of it.

    when i approached it we could see 2-3 pretty well curated street firework situations happening so we parked on Sunset and walked up.

    Mexican families, then black families, then white hipsters as we walked up the hill. everyone letting kids play with sticks of dynamite.

    one lady kept holding her bottle rockets dangerously close to the giant pine tree and we decided to Kate Bush it and ran up the hill.

    there we saw an abandoned lot with a poorly constructed fence. we slid through it and there, alas, all of LA opened up to us and from Downtown to the Hollywood Bowl fireworks bloomed from the horizon.

    i tried to take pics but it was like trying to draw Mohammad: a dangerous waste of time.

    we drove home with rockets still exploding all around us.

    i decided not to make a quick buck Ubering because blasts + drunk drivers + drunk passengers does not equal a good time. instead we turned on the Sopranos and slowly feel asleep to the sounds of what the cats probably thought was the end of humanity.

  6. Wednesday, July 4, 2018

    watched a good movie on amazon prime today 

    it’s a quasi fictional tale about Burt Reynolds, starring Burt Reynolds

    about him going back to where he grew up to reminice and make amends.

    and it reminded me a bit about this last trip to santa barbara because thats where i grew up.

    theres two places that will always hold special places in my heart, the suburbs of illinois

    and isla vista california 93117.

    amber was such a good sport about going to all the places, eating the foods, talking to the people.

    there was a lot we didn’t do, but the things we did do were perfect.

    of note was going to the Arlington to see Jurassic World 2 – and thanks to Movie Pass it was free, which is crazy because that theatre is so magical.

    i took Jeanine there once to see Bob Dylan and it was like being in church. once Karisa and i went up there to see Seinfeld do stand up.

    we went to the courthouse, then up the tower stairs to see the whole damn scene. we went up to Cold Springs Tavern to see where the cowboys used to drink and rob each other. we walked down Del Playa.

    we walked everywhere.

    like Burt, I have had a good, full life. we both posed nude for Cosmo, we both drive cool cars, and we look our best with a hat on.

    tonight is the fourth of July. amber is sleep but soon she will waken and we will either walk up to Griffith Observatory or I will drive us into the Hollywood Hills so we can see LA show us its tailfeather.

    it’s hard to believe how much Trump wants to ruin this great planet.

    maybe he doesn’t have a DP to walk down

    to remind him of where he started to learn everything.

    im so glad i do.

  7. Sunday, July 1, 2018

    fascination street 

    she said wanna

    i said yeah

    she said no do you really wanna

    i said is there a hot tub

    she said and a pool

    i was all do i have to drive

    she said ill drive

    stopped off at a book store to pee

    the thing i like about santa barbara is it’s seen it all

    so it’s chill

    theres pretty much nothing you can do to impress santa barbara

    except be cool

    and pick up your litter

    this place is



  8. Friday, June 29, 2018

    picked up this guy from a fancy hotel 

    he didn’t talk much at all. he was on his phone.

    we were going to Mt. Olympus which is way up in the Hollywood Hills.

    My GPS told me to go up through the Beverly Hills and then take Mullhulland along the edge of seventeen.

    the sun was setting. a bunch of people had pulled over to watch it.

    but he was still on his phone.

    i was playing Thelonious Monk’s “Blue Dream”

    finally i said, “this is the prettiest you’ll ever see the Valley.”

    he looked up and grunted something and looked back down.

    i thought, i am so lucky. so blessed. so loved.

    dropped him off.

    thought about only giving him 4 stars cuz he made me wait at the hotel

    and didn’t know enough about life to enjoy the ride.

    but one shouldnt judge.

    maybe he was in the middle of a flame war.

  9. Thursday, June 28, 2018

    one good thing (and there are many) about being black 

    is, if we are in touch, we don’t worry about certain things

    because in the last 100 years things have been much worse.

    hell, 50 years ago it was illegal for a black man to marry a white woman in half of the USA.

    so when people get all uptight about the supreme court, or certain laws, a well-grounded black person could say, welcome to my nightmare

    shits always been bad. we cope. we fight on. we dont get hysterical. we dont scream and cry. we keep marching up that hill.

    despite how steep it is.

    regardless of how much oil they spill to slow our progress.

    it’s gonna happen.

    we will reach that mountain top.

    which isn’t to say that there isn’t a time and place to make a joyful noise, oh there is. there just isn’t a time and place to quit. because, and heres the secret to life the universe and everything: people are watching. and people are mimics. thats how we learn.

    and if someone sees you fight a little and if they respect you, even secretly, then they will think fuck this is impossible. but nothing is impossible. blacks can marry whites. we did send men to the moon. the cubs did win the world series.

    we did figure out how to get internet access through the freakin air.

    which means we can solve the problems of today, just like we can solve the issues of tomorrow.

    we will do it together, as a team, but every member of that team needs to remember that everyone is watching and learning and if your lesson is to persevere, then fucking persevere.

    aint no anthems being sung about dirty quitters.

  10. Sunday, June 24, 2018

    picked up a guy at a fancy hotel 


    as i normally do at hotels i ask the people if theyre in from out of town.

    chicago! he said. older guy, which is what this hotel usually caters to.

    i turned my cubs hat around and said, “did you see this?”

    we laughed and i knew things would be good.

    but i didnt expect them to be this good.

    i asked, what are you out here to do?

    “im here to visit my daughter.”

    oh what does she do?

    he said, “shes in a band, but unless you were a high school girl in the 90s you probably haven’t heard of them.”


    he asked, have you ever heard of Veruca Salt?

    i was all, omg The Seether? American Thighs! (i couldnt recall their followup hit)

    we talked about the Beatles, the Stones, the Who. he told me that The Dave Clark Five were just as good, i told him I would look them up.

    then he told me this great story about a friend of his whose son didn’t get accepted into an ivy league school.

    he said, “oh it will be ok.”

    the depressed dad said, “are you crazy? you’re a father. don’t you want things for your kids?”

    and my passenger said that he thought about it and finally concluded the most beautiful thing

    he said, “i do want something for my kids. i hope that they love music.”

    rarely do i shake my passenger’s hands, but after that one i did.