nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, March 7, 2017

    im in a fight with uber 

    for some reason they wanna be in fights.

    their founder is in fights with everyone and swears that he has grown and wants to be all peace and love, but hes so not peace and love unless it hits the news.

    over the last 3 weeks i did over 100 UberSC trips. typically they rip us off on the fares and you have to write in and complain.

    after a little back and forth they write back and say, fine heres your $35.

    but when you do so many trips the difference isnt $35… in my case it is $156.

    so i wrote last night and explained it, as usual, and today they fought with me, first lying by saying you have to do this within 3 days of the problem.

    and then saying oh no we paid you soooo much money, which was another lie.

    when i replied by saying, take a screenshot of you paying me soooo much money, they said fuck it, go to the Uber driver customer service way out in Redondo Beach and settle it there.

    they gave me the hours, which are bankers hours basically. they do a half day on Saturday for some reason. why not a full day on Saturday?

    i wrote back and said, no! this is so easy, just pay me i gave you the proof! but they said no.

    so i started a brand new ticket, rewrote my genius, sent in different examples

    but concluded the same thing, you owe me $156.

    it’ll be interesting to see if it gets sent to different people.

    hopefully someone there will understand my dilemma.

    and with the money… i will buy a new tire for my car.

    in the meanwhile i will drive exclusively for Lyft.

  2. Monday, March 6, 2017
  3. Sunday, March 5, 2017

    to say she is beautiful is to ignore so many other words 

    plus, in LA everyone is smokin, so.

    i was in my pjs. it was saturday. i was thinking about treating myself to some sushi delivery and calling it a night, when she texted:

    ubering tonight?

    no, i hit my goal yesterday. day off!

    what are you gonna do?

    jack shit! only got 1 day off over the last 2 weeks thanks to the Oscars, so im pooped.

    perfect. be right over!

    oh i would be the worst company ever. odds are very good that i would fall asleep in the middle of dinner.

    why do i doubt this?

    plus my house is a wreck, my medicine cabinet is bleeding from the inside, i still have a little cough going on close to a month now. i need a new bed room throw rug, my camera is broke, i cant find my second xbox controller, and i havent shaved my head since

    there was a knock at the door.

    there was a peek through the mexican blanket curtain.

    there were high heeled shoes

    legs like zz top

    a completely ridiculous black dress so short the seamstress probably had a heart attack making

    and either it was drizzling outside or she was wearing glitter.

    she mouthed: i have cookies!

    opened the door and fake news because she really didnt have cookies, she had cookie dough

    does your oven work?

    she also had bananas.


    like my life.

  4. Saturday, March 4, 2017
  5. Friday, March 3, 2017
  6. Thursday, March 2, 2017

    dear tony, has it really been a week since youve blogged? 

    this is easily the longest time i’ve gone without writing in this beautiful magical blog.

    sorry, i was busy.

    Andrew asks, How do you keep your forehead so wrinkle free?

    I rub white girls on it.

    Tim French wonders, What’s your favorite sandwich topping, and why?

    Miracle Whip because it makes my 99 cent store cold cuts go down smooth and also because brown spicy mustard is rarely brown enough nor spicy enough.

    Asher asks, Are you now the only person allowed to tweet behind the scenes at the Academy Awards?

    My role the other night was to shoot the Snapchat story. It was pretty good mainly because I wasn’t distracted doing other things like Tweeting. In fact I don’t even think I tweeted on my personal account that day/night.

    Jennie Roth queries, You have four hours to kill in downtown Toronto before the MG show next Saturday. What do you do?

    I love this question. I have a pint with Pitt and Viv, then we go ice skating in that outdoor skate rink I think it’s Nathan Phillips Square or Jack Layton Circle. Then of course some poutine on Queens and then puke it out somewhere on the way to the gig.

    Cheryl Devall asks, Who are you wearing in that photo?

    Friar Tux!

    Rob Shisler asks, Mr. Tony, your campaign seems to have the momentum of a runaway freight train. Why are you so popular?

    I’ve never been popular. Even when this blog was getting 40 comments a day every day I was barely in the Technorati Top 200. This was back when there were only 200 blogs. But what I do have are an amazing group of friends and virtual friends who love real conversations about actual topics and not baloney. How did I attract them? All blessings come from Above.

    Kate McLaughlin wonders, What advice would you give to your 18-year-old self?

    Take more pictures.

    Smelly Danielley asks, What kind of moisturizer do you use? 

    Hempz! (My mom got it for me)

    Patrick Pitt asks, How do you want to be remembered?

    As an honorable reflection of my mom, Isla Vista, and Generation X.

    Bill Downing queries, Have you picked a running mate in 2020?


    Mike Lazzaro wonders Bourbon/Whisky/Scotch?

    Maker’s Mark / Redbreast / Gross

    John Smith asks, do you ever work with celebrities now that you work at the academy?. . . and if so, who are the coolest ones to work with?

    Other than hey can I take your picture? I can’t say I really work with the moviemakers. That may change soon. But so far I’ve noticed that everyone has been super cool and very easy to work with. For some reason everyone is nice to us at the Academy.

    Adam Mefford wonders, Which celebrity are you most often confused for?

    J. Lo

    Dave LaDelfa asks, Do you have any advice for young people trying to break into the industry?

    Read as many biographies and autobiographies of people in the industry as you can. It’s shocking to me how many young people make the same mistakes of the generations that came before them.

    Dave Coelho queries, How many games will the Cubs win this year?

    113 in the regular season, 7 in the playoffs, 4 in the world series, so 124?

    Mat Gleason asks, Bryant, Schwarber and one pitcher of my choice for Trout straight up, you make that trade?

    Schwarb is probably better placed in the AL, and the Halos will for surely lose Trout, so I would part ways with my favorite Cub for the MVP of the AL, but I would not give up the NL MVP. We have a lot of depth in the IF, I’d toss in Addison Russell, Jake Arrieta and one more pitcher.


    Alyson Shane asks, What has been your favourite career-related experience so far?

    It’s pretty tough topping interviewing Hugh Hefner inside the Playboy mansion

    Emilio Reyes Le Blanc wonders, Was the Oscar statue crafted from your physique?

    It’s an artist’s rendition of what I will look like in 4-5 years if i gave up fast food.

    DVL asks, Who invented liquid soap and why?

    Charles Manson invented it. He hates bars.

    Delores Dyer wonders, How do you heal a broken heart?

    Like most things, you gotta kiss your way through the pain.

    Kevin Davis says, Ok So youre on a boat. And you get married. Now that boat crosses the international dateline, so technically, its the day before. Are you still married?

    My fear of commitment is the exact reason why I avoid boats.

    Dave Olson asks Have you won a Tony Award?

    No but lovely Shawna from Vegas went this year and took this picture for me.

    Mary Schneider wonders, How much residual white powder is left in the bathroom at the Kodak theater?

    People do those things when they want to get up. Don’t you think you’re already as up as you can be when you are at the Oscars?

    Bob Downing asks, Can you please list your 2017 NL Central picks, and playoff/World Series picks?

    1. Cubs 2. Ditka 3. Brew Crew
    2. Then the Cubs beat the Dodgers in the playoffs then the Cubs beat the Mets in the other playoffs.
    3. Then the Cubs beat the Red Sox in the World Series

    Michael Katz asks, Is Joe Flacco a elite quarterback 

    Hell no.

    Todd Cox wonders, why are fire engines red?

    Because they don’t apply enough lotion before they go outside

    Craig Wong inquires, Who’s more macho? Fernando Lamas or Ricardo Montalban? Who’s more macho? Lord lamas or montalban?

    Mr. Fantasy Island is super macho especially in the episodes where he gets pissed off.

    Nancy Rommelmann asks, What’s the old-school place to eat in Chicago, but not crusty?

    The Billy Goat underneath the Tribune

    Randy Holloway wonders, Why do you hate the best franchise in baseball?

    The World Champion Chicago Cubs are my all time faves. Maybe you’ve seen my hat(s)

    Guy Gottlieb sorta asked, Why didn’t you wear your hat to the Oscars?

    I didn’t want to draw any attention from our invited guests.

    Phil Shelly wonders, Why can’t you use a white, red, or black car while being an extra on Chicago Fire?

    Because those are the ones they blow up

    Tony Klecha asks, Stones or Beatles?

    I like actual music, so Stones

    Keith Johnson asks, The Thin Man or Boston Blackie

    I fucking loooove The Thin Man!

    Michelle H. Gurdal asks, What is your purpose?

    I hope it’s to make amazing Bible movies, cuz that’s what I plan to do soon.

  7. Saturday, February 25, 2017

    do i love you? yes. 

    did i realize i had almost gone two days without blogging? no.

    am i still working my tush off getting ready for tomorrows Oscars? yes.

    did i just see Emma Stone and she looked back at me and our eyes met?


    did she look 1000x prettier than the last time our eyes met?


    did i strangely watch Superbad last night to prepare for movie’s biggest night?


    do i gotta go now, Louie Louie?


  8. Thursday, February 23, 2017
  9. Wednesday, February 22, 2017

    pretty girl came over with a screener of Loving 

    it’s surprising how quickly i can clean up my house when the price is right

    she said she had some lobsters. i said i have some mashed potatoes, broccoli and carrots.

    i didnt tell her that the potatoes were pre mashed and the veggies you can nuke in the bag.

    when she came over she saw a huge Groupon box that was just delivered.

    whats that she asked?

    not sure, i said, nervous that it might be some inappropriateness that i’d bought for another.

    she said arent you gonna open it?

    i said, it wouldnt be a surprise if i open it.

    the food got made fast, we sat on my couch. the cats behaved.

    finally she said, are you seriously not going to open the box?

    the movie was boring.

    so i said, fine. but you have to know, sometimes i order things as gifts for people

    and they’re completely jokes.

    uh huh, she said and retrieved a pair of scissors from my wall.

    i hang scissors on my wall, ok?

    opened the box and it was this Egg Cooker where you can hard boil up to 7 eggs at one time.

    i was relieved.

    she said, im stuffed but maybe we should see if this works.

    it worked.

    we sprinkled some salt on the eggs, ate them, and i said, i fucking love eggs

    she said me too and took off her sweater.

  10. Tuesday, February 21, 2017

    me and aj met in santa monica to see moonlight 

    aj in collegethis is the Oscar home stretch so i have to see all the rest of the Best Picture films before Sunday

    so when AJ was all, lets go, tonight! i was all f yes!

    i have this Uber subscription that gives me 20 rides all around LA for $4. even though i knew i wasnt gonna get drunk and even though it was President’s Day, who doesn’t like getting a ride for $4 across town?

    we met at The Landmark on Pico which has very fancy theaters.

    i was starving but i got there early so i walked through my new favorite store, Nordstrom, and on to the Food Court.

    it was empty in the Westside Pavillion. Super empty. Sad empty. People were cleaning things that were already clean.

    Ordered some food at the Panda Express. They never have panda. Weird.

    Walked back and AJ arrived. We got a Mexicoke and a popcorn and the film began.

    Soooo many black people in the film. When was the last time you saw something like that? And a story told very slowly. Also good. But in the end I was all, what happened? Did anything really happen? And what was i supposed to learn from it? Stay in school, don’t do drugs?

    I couldn’t understand why this is getting so much Oscar buzz. Same with La La Land. But that’s me, Mr. Critical. Mr. Meh. Ashley so many years ago was right, I cannot be pleased.

    But what was pleasing was AJ and I walked around West LA. Just walking and talking. Catching up. We tried to eat at Islands but they were closing and didn’t like the looks of us. I tried to eat at Jack in the Box but AJ was all, come on Tone. So we settled for a donut or two at this Donut store.

    We walked more, talked more on the quiet streets. It was very nice. Very. Sometimes friends youve known for a long time are better than Oscar nominated films.

    Sometimes always.