nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, June 3, 2016

    ive lived in hollywood for fifteen years and never been to paramount 


    some of my favorite movies and tv shows were made here like

    The Brady Bunch




    Forrest Gump

    Family Ties

    Happy Days

    Mork & Mindy

    Sunset Blvd


    Rear Window


    Duck Soup

    Breakfast at Tiffany’s


    The Godfather

    Citizen Kane


    Coming to America


    IMG_0054The Bad News Bears


    Beverly Hills Cop

    Iron Man

    and endless others

    and for some reason i’d never been there.

    yesterday someone said that we really needed about 30 to 50 Baby Trombones

    and someone else said he thought he saw some at Paramount

    no one wanted to go because the place is huge, where would you find them,

    and how weird would people think you are if you asked them?

    so i volunteered as tribute and it was super hot.  and bigger than i thought it would be.

    there were bikes and golf carts everywhere. but none said busblog on them. so i walked, and walked and walked.

    did i mention how hot it was today?

    while it was fascinating walking down the “New York Street”, because im a weirdo,

    i liked seeing the empty stages better.

    they were giant and they were totally barren inside.

    my imagine ran wild.

    outside each of the stages they had a little plaque listing all of the movies and tv shows that had been filmed in there.

    every stage had an impressive plaque. IMG_0051

    i walked past the bungalows with the execs,

    i strolled past the writers rooms, editing, costumes, set design

    and then i saw it

    just sitting there on a loading dock

    and just as many as what we were looking for

    but i hadnt been there very long so i kept walking around

    heres the funny thing

    if you live in LA, especially hollywood or the west side, you’re gonna see a celebrity from time to time.

    you might even find yourself interacting with them because, you know,

    stars, theyre just like us.

    i walked around freaking paramount

    for maybe two hours

    and i didnt see one star.

    as far as i know

    but heres the funny thing

    i turned the corner and there was the kogi truck

    and i nearly fainted out of true love.

    then i heard gun shots

    and i snapped right out of it

    but then i saw a sign

    simulated gunfire

    so i sat down to chill

    it was hot



  2. Tribune changes its name to tronc 


    as you know i grew up reading the Chicago Tribune

    it’s a major reason i wanted to be a writer and go into journalism.

    never did i think that i would ever become either of those things, but it happened.

    during my time at the Tribune-owned LA Times i had lots of ideas.

    most of them were rejected either directly or indirectly by “Chicago” aka Tribune.

    little did i know that all i had to say was

    yo, you should change the name of the company to tronc.

    so the lesson i learned yesterday was

    keep being creative, keep pitching ideas, shake off the rejections

    one day they’ll say yes

    tronc yeah they will

  3. Thursday, June 2, 2016

    billionaire thinks we are probs characters in an advanced civ’s video game 


    yes really

    non billionaire thinks if this was a video game
    a) we’d have better cars
    b) we’d be boning way more often
    c) we’d all be dressing like Prince
    d) there’d be more fire
    e) far fewer people would be starving and walking to get water
    f) dinosaurs would roam hawaii
    g) we’d read a lot less
    h) hockey and Aussie Rules Football would be more popular
    i) intellectuals would be murdered more often
    j) Fox would be the #1 tv network
    k) Playboy playmates would make up half of Congress
    l) Farmers Markets wouldnt exist
    m) PBS wouldn’t exist
    n) hipsters would make better music
    o) we’d have jetpacks
    p) weed would have been legal decades ago
    q) Coldplay would be in jail
    r) 9/11 would happen all the time
    s) Russia would have more dominance
    t) there would be no pollution in China
    u) Bo Jackson would still be playing sports
    v) radio would be better
    w) MTV would have never gone the way of the Dingo
    x) MDMA would be legal
    y) more babies would end up in zoos
    z) freeways would look a lot cooler

  4. Wednesday, June 1, 2016

    today is my niece Kyla’s birthday, she’s 14 


    kyla is a gemini.

    often shes a sweet angel. but i hear reports that she’s not always that way.

    but who can blame her, really, her favorite uncle is far away and she’s in a cold city

    and a giant house, with every toy, animal, human, and christmas tree a teenage girl could ever want.

    when i was her age i had a tv with three channels and an etch-a-sketch.

    we had a rotary phone and an AM radio.

    this chick’s got a PS4 AND an XBox One.

    she didnt like her brother so they adopted a baby sister for her.

    imagine that YOUR OWN BABY!

    the pool in the backyard is jacked up to 92 degrees. there are flat screen tvs in every room.

    and whenever she wants she can just “log on” to her computer (or phone or tablet or robot screen) and she can read the worlds greatest busblog.

    when i was her age i was drawing detailed maps on three ring binder paper so i could stand on a chair and drop a freshly sharpened pencil down upon my little world and see who the “bomb” destroyed.

    kyla has snapchat and instagram and minecraft and


    i hope she knows how lucky she has it.

    and how lucky we are to have her.

    happy birthday kyla jo!

  5. cubs lost yesterday, now theyre only 20 games above 500 

    alienswhat ever will they do?

    theyve got this young catcher, 24 years old,

    willson contreras

    he’s in AAA, iowa. a step away from the big leagues.

    he’s ripping the cover off the ball in iowa

    bashed two home runs on sunday. we need bats.

    but the cubs already have three catchers in the big leagues

    david ross who is gonna retire and the end of this year

    miguel montero who is a left hand hitting stud

    and some bozo they never use.

    rational thought would say bring up the young buck and send down the bozo.

    but Theo and Joe seem to know what theyre doing, and like i said theyre 20 games above 500

    the other problem is Jorge Soler, another 24 year old

    Jorge is batting .204 with 5 home runs.

    if it was me, i’d send him down and bring that catcher up.

    but im just a dude in his pajamas and a bathrobe who couldnt give a damn about advanced sabermetrics

    i just think when a guy, especially a young guy, can barely hit above 200

    you send his ass down.

    but ive never understood anything about anything anywhere

    i just spent $60 on Washio to wash one bag of clothes.

    all because they gave me a $20 credit

    because it was memorial day

    and they knew i probably wasnt thinking right.

  6. Tuesday, May 31, 2016

    what if amber was my last girlfriend? 

    amberif you ask me ive had a miraculous streak of amazing girlfriends

    but i had zero last year.

    the last one i had was in 2014, miss amber smith blog.

    what if thats it for me? what if tinder and bumble are the only ways to get girls nowadays and what if that doesnt work out?

    will i be alone forever?

    will i be eternally a bachelor waiting for that sweet moment of death to silence me?

    what if im unlovable?

    what if the only way i can get someone to want to be with me is to go to the gym?

    is it worth it?

    shouldnt i want someone to love me for my heart, for my mind, for the cool things i retweet?

    what if word got out that im a bad kisser?

    what if everything i did was wrong?

    i see people get together, i see people even get married, and lately ive seen people gotten divorced.

    was it better to just drive around and not have to have gone through all of that?

    was it better the life ive had, dates, hookups, concerts, back seats, front seats, car hoods


    public parks

    parking lots?

    some of them have kids and thats nice. the kids are nice. they are our future i hear. but are they?

    the milleniums were supposed to be our future but they listen to such garbage and do everything wrong. but who am i to talk, i do everything wrong too.

    et tu busblog.

    what i like about mick jagger is he was comfortable in his non attatchmentness but then one day his long time girlfriend said we need to get married so they got married and then they got divorced because some things dont look good with sweaters on them.

    my cats for example dont like to be held for very long. they’ll let you do it for like a minute but then they meow and levitate to about two feet away from you and they lay there and eventually pass out from contentment of not being touched by you.

    am i content just meeting new runway models and going to shows and restaurants and mountain tops

    would i get bored of what it seems like everyone else gets bored of?

    theres worse things than being bored.

    dont know what it is, but im sure there are worse things.


  7. xtx has inspired me 

    xbi 33

    i havent written a book in a very long time and now is as good as any time to do long hard things

    hers have been good and theyve been different and theyve been steady

    as has mr steve coulter‘s of rock band tsar

    my problem is all i ever want to do is write about the xbi

    and even though i dont do it in here

    and even if im hinting at them i am basically joking

    thats all i want to write about.

    its 243am i fucked up and took a nap in the middle of the day

    then drank a coke to wake up

    i decided this month is going to be a bukowski full month

    im gonna read as much bukowski as possible because i really havent read him since college

    and i have all these books of his

    today will be the city lights publication of the most beautiful woman in town

    and other stories.

    for some reason i have two copies of it

  8. Monday, May 30, 2016
  9. Sunday, May 29, 2016


    obama air force

    Rolling Stone: How do you make sense of the Donald Trump phenomenon?

    Louis CK: I’m not gonna tell Americans how to feel — I think you gotta get out of the way of people’s feelings. It’s a self-cleaning system. Whenever anybody says, “The voters are stupid” – well, the voters elected Obama against a war hero and a multimillionaire, which are classic choices for the other side. I have faith in the American people because of that. And if Trump does win, I feel like we will figure it out.

  10. uber has been having these promotions for drivers 

    three dollarsbasically if you drive a lot of hours and take a lot of trips they’ll give you a bonus.

    in order to take a lot of trips i have to take uber x calls instead of just uber select calls because there arent enough select calls for me to get that bonus.

    so the majority of the rides i gave this week were uber x and when i do these deals i see how little uber x drivers are making on a ride and it makes me wonder who could afford to drive any more.

    $3 for a 3 mile ride that took probs 5 minutes to get there, 3 minutes to wait and 11 minutes of travel? the calls are not bam bam bam by the way, on weekends like this, there are a lot of drivers out there, and the good people are pacing themselves so they might not be going out every night.

    fortunately for me my longest ride was on select and i made as much on that one ride as i made most of the night.

    i loved pretty much everyone i drove. thats what makes it worth it.

    – super dark skinned swedish(!) model here in LA for the first time. “just take me to the stars on the sidewalk”. as we drove she told me she wanted to go dancing. i said white or black music. she said black. i said playhouse. she said where is it. i said theres stars in front. when we got there the marquee said Puff Daddy she said i love you. i said i know. and when she got out i said “hey dough” and she was all Very Good!

    – pretty girl from buffalo grove who says manny pacquio’s entourage works out at her gym and they are quite manly.

    – two gay gentlemen all dressed up, one with a cape, on their way to a wedding at the Arboretum in pasadena. we all discovered that none of us had ever been there before. they all met at the LA gay mens choir. i told them hurry tell the Dodgers you wanna sing the anthem. how could they say no?

    – two laughing teens (14, 15) getting out of the Starbucks. we devised ways of robbing banks. they said small banks are key. i asked what about the ink exploder, how do you prevent that? they said, lots of coins. COINS?!

    – a well dressed woman who had just had dinner with her ex at the Desert Rose on Hillhurst, there was an old man jazz trio AND they were showing the game inside.

    – a beautiful woman who had worked at uber since pretty much the start and who had just left the company who had nothing but good things to say about everyone. she thanked me for my service.

    – two bros headed to a sports bar. i said are you from The City? they said yes. i told them i lived on Haight back in the day. they asked lower or upper. i said lower, near noc noc. they said across from Molitovs? i said it was called The Midtown then. they said holy crap, we sat on your porch! and they just may have. they said did you ever go to the liquor store? i said the liquor store ACROSS THE STREET FROM MY HOUSE, DO I LOOK MORMON? they said yea. i said the place run by Mohammaed and his son Mohammed? they said yes and laughed and laughed.

    and i hit my goal by 12:45am.