nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, July 15, 2014

    a bit muggy in LA yesterday so i wanted to change after work 

    flag at the los feliz post office

    i have this theory about LACMA on the miracle mile: people around there loooove using uber.

    i have another theory about that area: because it’s central, you never know where people are going to ask you to take them.

    people on the wessside are in their beach bubble. same for those in weho.

    lots of drivers dont like going to DTLA because many of the rides are to other parts of DTLA.

    but right around Park La Brea the rides can shoot off into any part of town. which i love.

    got out of work, parked by the LACMA park, made sure i had water for the passengers, wrote down my mileage in my little book, replied to a personal email and boom got pinged.

    the rider ended up being a stand up comedian from Australia. from Brisbane.

    i was all, my favorite aussie band (other than AC/DC) is from Brisbane. ever hear of The Grates, i ask him?

    i’d say only about 1/3 of the aussies i talk to have heard of them, they’re a small band but they had some hits.

    because life is beautiful he had heard of them, he had done stand up at their Tea Room

    and best of all he wanted to go to a club about a mile from my house.

    so basically i was driving home with a good guy and getting paid $18 for the privilege.

    no ones getting rich being an uber driver, and it’s not making anyone quit their day job

    but that weird hippie dream of “one less car” is a possibility especially when i was hoping to go that way anyway.

    we listened to AC/DC and talked about Aussie Rules Football, a sport he played a few years back.

    he told me the NFL likes to recruit punters from Australia who have played Aussie Rules.

    got home, changed, ate a little, texted a pretty girl who texted me right back.


    drove over to universal amphitheater and saw there was already an uber at the turnaround

    so i camped out by the hotels and continued texting her.

    ive never been bad at phone conversations but thank you al gore for texting.

    she sent me some pictures and said some things and whats this a beep.

    a gentleman from down the hill at the metro station was requesting a ride.

    we went to burbank. he works at a a high end department store, in the mens section.

    i said, i dont dont wanna buy a blazer, but im 187 years old, i probably need one at my age.

    he said yep, we have blazers startin at $550 going up to $5,000.

    i said, maybe i dont need a blazer. he said, you can get one at H&M for $99

    then get some good shoes, a white dress shirt, and some clean jeans and youre set.

    then i got a big guy who said today was his Sunday.

    i said you must love football season then because Sundays are your Saturdays.

    he said, well, i try to lay low and spend as little money as possible.

    which was a little confusing because why wasnt he taking the bus then?

    dropped him off near the 5 and didnt feel like driving any more.

    went home, met the new neighbors, swimsuit models, passed out with all the lights on.

  2. Monday, July 14, 2014

    saturday night in hermosa 

    usc quarterback

    didnt mean to be in hermosa again on saturday night but you learn not to fight the tides.

    veteran nfl linebacker had me go from downtown to marina del rey and then later that night picked up usc’s backup qb and his sorta drunk posse. and it was on.

    until i got beeped by a young lady in redondo. 16. quiet. at some point she asked me my name.

    george washington carver.

    she was sad so i asked her why. terrible question.

    turned out she is a high school student and she was over at a friends house because one of their friends died

    that morning.

    they had rented a double decker bus to celebrate something and the friend was on the top deck

    and got a little crazy and raised his arms up as they were going under and overpass

    and it hit him harder than he was expecting and he died.

    she said he was one of those magic special kids that everyone loved.

    i didnt know what to say. everything i said was the wrong thing.

    i said in my high school graduating class no one had died all four years and the final quarter we were all scared.

    and then when it never happened some of us said, do we even exist? are we ghosts?

    are we vampires?

    what ever i said seemed ok to her. she told me thank you when i dropped her off but i felt bad i couldnt help.

    then right away someone else beeped me. four people

    all with cups of mixed drinks. i said im sorry you’ll have to pound those before we get going.

    the dude said, thats ok i’m going to cancel this. im not going to rush my drink before we go to the bar.

    and thats exactly why so many drivers dont like to go to hermosa.

  3. somewhere along the line things got backwards 

    aubrey plaza

    when i was a youngster i was under the belief that i could do anything.

    i played baseball all day in the summer time with maybe one can of warm grape soda

    never water, and barely any food, and we played till the sun went down.

    the realization that i couldnt do anything coincided with the day someone threw me a curve ball.

    the ball looked like it was spinning to my head but then swerved right across the plate.

    that next day i discovered that my girlfriend at the time, in art class

    was playing footsies with the guy next to me

    as she was playing footsies with me.

    then i moved to california and nothing bad ever happened again.

  4. dawn of the planet of the apes at the vista 

    dawn of the planet of the apes at the vista

    it was sunday at 1pm. the world cup final was on but a surprisingly lot of us decided to watch CGI monkeys run around the screen.

    i didnt get there early enough so i had to sit in the back row next to a grandmother on one side of me and a hyper active child on the other.

    nothing in here is true.

    i went because ppl on twitter were freaking out about how good andy serkis was as the main ape.

    i was bored. grandma was bored. we were all bored. sure it was great special effects

    but so what

    what did we learn in this one that we havent in the other seven of them other than stop going to them?

    ape with gun at the vista

    the one bright spot was the theatre manager dressed up in a monkey suit.

    the other bright spot was because it was before 6pm it was only $6.50.

    the price a picture should cost, dag nabbit.

    there was plenty of legroom and even way in the back the sound was still terrific.

    but meaningless.

    rotten tomatoes is giving it like a 94 or something. i dont know why.

    ive never felt so alienated from the rotten tomatoes before.

    i also thought the human acting was the pits, PS.

    no one clapped at the end and some of waited for nick fury to appear after the credits

    but, alas, no.

  5. Sunday, July 13, 2014
  6. James Cameron wrote an early version of the Spider-man script 

    it’s a little more daring than what we ended up seeing on screen

    She stands with her back against a girder, needing to feel
    something solid. Spider Man stands before her, a
    perfectly formed male silhouette with a soothing low


    Courtship among the spiders is highly

    ritualized. It varies from species to

    species. The male spider may circle the

    female, or wave his front legs… to

    signal that he is not prey.

    Spider Man moves in a hypnotic arc around her. He raises
    his hands in a dance-like movement. Lowers them.


    The female usually signals her

    willingness by an uncharacteristic


    MJ takes a deep breath. Her lip trembles. Her knees are
    weak. Her eyes, though, are steady, gazing at the
    silhouette before her. She doesn’t move of speak. He
    moves closer.


    In certain crab spiders, such as Xysticus,

    the male will attach strands of silk to

    the female… tying her limbs…

    Spider Man moves his hand gracefully across her, and she
    sees the sheerest silk webbing glinting in the moonlight.
    First one wrist. Then the other. Hypnotic movement in
    the moonlight. Her arms are bound to the wall. Her
    breathing gets more rapid.


    Since the female can break free at any

    time, the bonds have only symbolic



    The male must be very bold… to take

    such liberties with the predatory female.


    Yes. He is very bold. But he must also

    trust her.

    (he moves very close)

    Close your eyes.

    He removes his mask and kisses her. Their mouths very
    slowly and very sensuously devour each other.
    Peter and MJ are locked together. He is mesmerizing,
    gentle, powerful. He pushes up her skirt. They make
    love, high above the world.
    She doesn’t look.

  7. Saturday, July 12, 2014

    why uber should allow tips 

    fun ride

    every month uber figures out ways to make more money for themselves.

    they’ve cut prices, increased their commissions fares, and soon they will charge drivers in LA ten bucks a week to rent the iphones used to connect passengers with available cars.

    that’s fine, a company should constantly be figuring out new revenue streams and then pumping some of those profits back into the business to make it stronger.

    one way uber could make uber stronger is to let the drivers make more money through bonuses provided by the passengers, otherwise known as tips.

    the idea that “tips are built in” may have been sorta true back when prices were higher and commissions were lower, but by definition a tip is something determined by the passenger after (and sometimes before) the service is rendered.

    santa monica place

    while the company continues to extract more money from the drivers, the drivers become resentful. surprise, surprise. they protest, they jump ship to the competitors, they provide less super-happy rides, and they bitch and whine on their world famous blogs.

    tips would ease a lot of those tensions, because unlike yours truly, many of these drivers are driving on nights and weekends solely for the money. you tell me: what’s an easier way to funnel more cash into the pockets of excellent drivers than in micro bonuses like what other service providers often get?

    last night i drove from 6-10:30p and then from 1am-3:30am. 15 rides. uber made $40 off me in commissions. i drove 100 miles, which in my beautifully fuel efficient car is 2.5 gallons of gas or $10.50.

    that means if i averaged $2 in tips from each trip, most of the dent from gas plus uber’s take would be relieved: thus drivers wouldn’t really ever have any reason to whine.

    therefore, if uber made it super easy to tip say $2 (like put suggested tips on the app based on distance and time of the trip), drivers would feel more like the Partners uber calls us and be more loyal and happier: which would show in more pleasant rides, cleaner and more pimped out cars, and encourage and retain more professional drivers.

    but what do i know. the busblog isn’t valued at 17 billion.

    any more.

  8. Friday, July 11, 2014

    any time the xbi wants to learn more about someone im hanging with 

    blogger-image-1273626205they do something personally offensive like poison me, knock me out, and then put a microphone where my gold tooth used to be.

    or worse, a tracking device.

    to make things easier for them i did the unspeakable: i got a license plate with the three top secret letters on it

    so you will never have problems finding me in traffic.

    the other night i was having headaches, which is rare for me. i had taken a nap and still the headaches continued so i knew they had some sort of transmitter in my head

    and after some investigation i popped a cap and there it was, a devious little device meant to record and track my every move.

    i txted them: who do you think you are? facebook?!?

    her name is amber, she lives in a shoe.

    legs that are longer, and eyes made of blue.

    they played dumb which isnt hard for them which makes them dangerouser. with all the toys they have youd think theyd figure out by now that some former agents shouldnt be messed with

    and not everyone wants to be part of their juvenile little gang. no matter how much money there is there. no matter how much “fun” there is.

    some of us wanna walk the straight and narrow.

    no fancy clothes, no fancy cars, no invisible helicopters

    no machine guns with audio bullets that dont hurt but make you fall down and puke.

    some of us feel like thats like playing video games with the cheater code. like learning math by using the answers in the back.

    like trading arms for hostages. like packing the courts. like using a designated hitter.

    some of us believe that we are on this merry go round once and we will be judged one day not only by how many points we scored but also how many assists we dished and how stylish we were at

    ball handling.

    something the xbi knows far too much about these days.

  9. Thursday, July 10, 2014

    do you ever get the feeling youre being swindled? 

    dennis-hopper-easy-rideruber is an interesting company. recently they were valuated at like a gazillion dollars.

    all on the backs of normal people like you and me who drive around in their own cars dealing with traffic and people puking so they can make $20 an hour.

    here in LA uber jacked up their cut of the ride by a bunch while lowering the prices for the passengers.

    all of this hurt drivers.

    now they are introducing this thing where the drivers have to rent the iphones from uber for $10 a month.

    is there no end to the nickel and diming?

    sometimes i feel like uber hates success.

    we’ve seen this happen before, of course. we saw friendster own the market for a little while only to get leapfrogged by myspace, and then facebook. now facebook is doing everything they can to shoot themselves in the foot and piss off not just their users but the companies who try to connect with their audience.

    digg did the same thing. they were on top of the world so they decided to change the most important part. they tried to ruin the Digg Effect – and they succeeded. thus ruining Digg. now Reddit is the big cheese.

    uber has amazing lawyers that help them get into cities over the whines of the cab companies. thats impressive. they have deep pockets and will pay for drivers who have their cars impounded. thats also impressive.

    but whats not impressive is the way they show so much disdain for the face of the company, for the real product: the normal people driving in their own cars.

    if lyft was smart theyd just keep improving their game, they wouldnt panic, and theyd just wait for the moment to leapfrog. because all signs are pointing to uber doing one more dumb thing and then it’s over.

    which makes me sad, because as you know, i love uber.

  10. i learn a lot at my real job like this today: 

    marlene dietrichturns out marlene dietrich was a violin player before she was an actress

    she also played the piano and sang,

    thus when you see her in the Blue Angel thats really her.

    she said she wore “mannish” clothes because women in Europe did in the daytime.

    she said she loved bloggers and blogging and flying high above LA.

    she said she didn’t like to talk unless she had something to say.

    back in the day gossip columnists were way more powerful than they are today. so much so that the stars would go on their radio shows so they could tell their stories without the filter of the MSM.

    one day she was on the radio with Louella Parsons, a popular gossip columnist talking about being relatively new to Hollywood. this is how she ended her interview.

    Parsons: Do you find it easy to combine the duties of motherhood with those of being a successful actress?

    Dietrich: Yes, I do, because my daughter is the greatest incentive I could possibly have. I have never been so happy in my life as since I’ve had her.

    Parsons: Do you think little Maria will be an actress or a musician?

    Dietrich: I hope that she will have enough talent to become an actress because I think it is the most beautiful and interesting career a woman can have. And now, Miss Parsons, I would like to say goodnight. You see, I promised to tell my little daughter a story before she goes to bed and it’s getting late.

    marlene dietrich lived to be 90 years old and worked much of that time, she said to make money.

    i hope when im old im doing it for the same reason im doing it now: because i love it and i love being around smart people who are nice.

    the picture on the right is marlene supporting the troops back in the day.