nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, November 4, 2014
  2. we’re not here to change for someone else 

    Matthew Grabelskyif she wants an ape she’s gonna find her perfect ape boy.

    if he wants a coffee sipping subway rider, he’s gonna find what he’s looking for.

    if you stay in your condo all day and drink wine and read the newspapers and never discover that you have actual wings that actually take you places you will never

    actually live.

    we are here to actually live

    actual lives.

    lives that span more than just one trip around the sun, hun.

    this belief that things are supposed to be like how they were in the Bronte’s time is stuff white ppl like. but white ppl get divorced like all the damn time so either they also like divorce or they realize we dont die at 40 which means why get married at 28.

    we die when we sell out and make the baby Jesus cry.

    i want to be constantly changing, constantly growing, constantly meeting new people of all walks. of all runs. of all flights.

    you have to break a lot of eggs to make a chocolate cake but after brunch comes lunch and then linner

    bitch aint had linner in forlever.

    then supper then dessert then after drinnker drinks somewhere you aint never been before

    long drives through the woods on a school night

    quick flights to whereever cuz we’re young and beautiful and the world is ours.

    a row boat ride to the other side.

    the lord gave us two legs and one heart that beats for someone

    and if she wants to have it beat for someone she can beat down

    then im not down.

  3. Monday, November 3, 2014

    bill belicheck gets dissed by the Weather Channel: repeatedly 

    bill belicheck is a surly mean cheater. but hes a football coach so thats ok.

    and his team, before his quarterback married that brazillian supermodel, won a lot.

    so his bad behavior was excused.

    winning has a weird effect like that.

    but yesterday for some reason he wanted to take a shot at meteorologists.

    as if dick butkis cared what the damn weather was. or lombardi. or sweetness.

    you line up and bash the guy across from you in the fucking mouth.

    the weather didnt bother belicheck on that snowy day when the NFL gave his team the win over the Raiders in the playoffs on account of the mysterious Tuck Rule

    only old people and whiners drone on about the weather.

    but when you do it on tv, and youre a prick which rhymes with Belechick the weatherman will strike back.


  4. sophia loren wont autograph this picture but she’ll talk about it 

    Loren and Mansfield

    Entertainment Weekly has the scoop on one of the most classic photos from classic Hollywood: the time Sophia Loren was introduced to Jayne Mansfield.

    EW: This photo was taken when you were still very new to Hollywood.

    SOPHIA LOREN: Yes, Paramount had organized a party for me. All of cinema was there, it was incredible. And then comes in Jayne Mansfield, the last one to come. For me, that was when it got amazing.

    EW: What did she do when she got there?

    SL: She came right for my table. She knew everyone was watching. She sat down. And now, she was barely… Listen. Look at the picture. Where are my eyes? I’m staring at her nipples because I am afraid they are about to come onto my plate. In my face you can see the fear. I’m so frightened that everything in her dress is going to blow—BOOM!—and spill all over the table.

    Find out why Loren won’t sign this picture over at EW.

  5. only in my mind am i old 

    my house

    my body feels amazing, my spirits are high, but when people ask me how long ive been in LA

    and i tell them 30 years they say wait a second

    just HOW OLD are you?

    had a lady, 88 years old, get into my car. she was going to the Disney Hall.

    do you know where that is? she asked.

    i said, probably the prettiest building in all of LA.

    she said, maybe the world.

    i said, well, something tells me that mr. naploean and marie antoinette would argue differently.

    she said, well let them eat cake.

    and we were off.

    she had an old tymie name like Lulabelle or Henrietta or Petunia. a wealthy aunt left her a fortune when she was 50 and was able to send her daughter to Juliard, where she went.

    are you sure you know how to get there, dear, she asked as i zig zagged through Westwood on my way to the 10.

    it’s the pink building by the beach, i joked. but you shouldnt joke with an old lady.

    she asked me about 5 more times as we were going there if i knew the way.

    finally i pointed to my phone and i said, even if i didnt know, ma’am, this thing does and shocks me if i go off the path.

    she mumbled that technology has ruined everything and complicated our lives and i said you mean you yearn for the days when the tv had three stations and thats it? me too!

    but i was lying. i love you technology with my very last proton.

    she was so old she couldnt do math any more.

    and as we got to downtown she apologized ahead of time before complimenting the president.

    she said, im sorry if this offends you, but i think Obama is doing a splendid job.

    i said, what sort of world are we living in where a woman can’t feel confident saying something nice about our president?

    she said, well what if you were a Republican?

    i said even if i was a dirty Commie, the gas prices are low, unemployment is low, the stock market is at a record high, interest rates are low, and a big chunk of the nation now has health insurance. who could have a problem with any of that?

    she squeezed my arm with her bony fingers and said yeah you’re right.

    what was she calling me, buster? dearie?


    she i dropped her off at the valet, he didnt smile. he asked if i was going to pick her up. as if maybe she had done him wrong some how. or he didnt like her.

    wasnt the whole hall senior citizens? why give her the stink eye?

    i liked her and i was driving around westwood later that night and i hoped she had gotten home ok because she was lovely.

    married a man, when she was 20, that the family didnt approve of because he was not rich, but she did it anyway, she admitted to me, because he was so handsome.

    it lasted 30 years she said. which is fine unless you end up back on the market at 50 as a recent divorcee.

    but then all the money came her way, so maybe that helped soften the blow.

  6. Sunday, November 2, 2014

    this weekend was the busiest ive ever encountered as a driver 


    these people threw around the N-word like it was no big deal

    and then the girl behind me asked me for my phone number

    but the best was when the girl next to me said she likes to hook up with Uggs

    i said who?

    she said, ugly guys.

    she said they treat her better


    these nice people went to a hip hop show in echo park and wanted me to take them to Boyle Heights

    i was all, hell yeah, why not, who cares


    Duff Man and his girl were sweet. for some reason they parked over by the Hollywood Bowl and asked me to drive them to The Abbey in WeHo

    everyone wanted to go to the Abbey in WeHo.

    these two are from the LBC though and I was all, mmmmm ok?


    one of these guys was into guys and said he showed a guy his schween at the party i picked them up at

    and said he was a show-er, not a grow-er

    and for once in my life i had no witty comeback


    hollywood blvd is my favorite place in the whole world next to wrigley field and las vegas

    and it was beautifuler than normal i just wanted to hug everyone.


    bree olson, famous movie star, and former charlie sheen goddess was so sweet and pretty

    after i dropped her off my mom called and i said ma i picked up a porn star!

    my mom asked, you watch porn?

    i said, for science.


    this lady is a lawyer.

    suddenly halloween is my favorite holiday of all.

  7. Saturday, November 1, 2014

    the morning after 

    girl walker

    halloween is the greatest of all.

    i drove from 6pm to 3am last night, in the sprinkles and then rain and then wind.

    some places were slightly flooding but only in a cute way like the streets saying

    what can we be for halloween, oh how about a sweet little puddle

    oh look at that one, its a huge puddle.

    the demand for ubers was so crazed that i was getting requests from 20 minutes away

    even though the rate was five times the base fare.

    someone paid me $100 to go from culver city to los feliz.


    the skinny girl in the back dressed as a teenage runaway kissed me on the cheek.

    another dude from saudi arabi wanted to go “to the light house”

    the light house?

    “the coachhouse.”

    say what?

    “one minute.” and he called his friend. we were waiting in the drive through of his luxury high rise in westwood.

    the playhouse?

    ah yes, hollywood blvd., my home.

    he’d only been here two months. so i asked him if he still dated persian girls

    or was he seeing what the rest of the world had to offer.

    he didnt understand.

    i said, you know, have you met any japanese girls or canadians. italians?

    he said oh yes im dating a brazilian girl.

    i was all, my man!

    and i turned on some gangsta rap and we drove over the 405 on halloween night

    then east on the 101

    and he said, can you increase the volume.

    and i went, increased, bad boy.

  8. Friday, October 31, 2014
  9. bree was all, what should i be? i said, how about Nikki Sixx from the Crüe? 

    nikki sixxshe was all, omg thats a perfect idea.

    a few hours later she said well i have everything down perfect except for the wig

    i said show me what youve got.

    a few hours later she sent me this and i was all, omg you nailed it.

    which brings me to reason number 2347895347890 i wish babes would stop having sex with EDM djs: no one is gonna dress up like Flying Lotus in 20 years

    or Swedish House Mafia

    or Skrillex.

    Maybe that dude with the mickey mouse ears but only if he was looking to get beat up.

    rock n roll, especially hair metal, has it all: the guitar solos, the crazy outfits, and the hair so killer you cant even get a wig that matches it.

    do i play EDM in my Uber?

    who asked you!??!?!

    last night the cats and i watched Lone Survivor.

    as Marky Mark’s comrades kept getting shot i turned to the cats and said

    i guess he’s gonna be the Lone Survivor.

    then a big boulder rolled down the hill smashing a whole bunch of them and i was all

    Lone Survivor

    then when things were getting super hairy i was all, Marky Mark can’t die because the film is called Lone


    when i looked down they were alseep

    so unimpressed with me or the film.

    the one thing they will love about Halloween will be the candy corn.

    they wont eat them, they will kick them around like soccer balls.