nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, February 9, 2015

    the problem with the grammys was there wasnt enough devil horns 

    devil horns at the grammysalso, youve got the most popular artist in the last 10 years dancing in the front row and you dont let her play?

    let Taylor Swift play!

    also, you have the most talented musician in the last 30 years sauntering around backstage, with a (great) new album, and you dont let him play?


    also why do the Grammys think that if you take the sexiness out of Beyonce, Katy Perry, Ariana Grande, and Rihanna you’re going to a) get ratings b) get people talking c) pretend that music is better when it’s serious.


    if i was Sam Smith I would have thanked Tom Petty and not allowed a better singer than me share my song live in front of everyone

    i thought madonna, kayne, and that country lady were good.

    there werent enough awards given out.

    and the awards that they did give out were super lame.

    God bless Beck but the guy running around with Beck’s name isn’t the Beck we signed up for in the 90s.

    this is Old Sad Man Beck Lightfoot who, sure can move some units at Whole Foods, but fuck that

    i also liked Usher with the harp lady.

    and Kristin Wig

    i miss dangerous music.

  2. Saturday, February 7, 2015
  3. sodom and gomorrah wasnt about orgies or being gay 

    sodom and gommorah

    it was about rape. the people wanted to rape angels.

    Lot was all, hey bros, how about you have sex with my virgin daughters instead?

    the daughters were probably all OMG DAD!

    but it didnt matter because “all the men from every part of the city of Sodom—both young and old”

    wanted to rape the visiting angels

    who by the way were on a mission to see for themselves how fucked up Sodom was.

    so the men said thanks but no thanks with your virgin daughters, Lot,

    give us the angels.

    how religious people, with straight faces, pretend that Las Vegas or San Francisco or any place that dares to celebrate fun is in any way related to this extremely violent story – is beyond me.

    next time you hear it or see it call them out.

    use this picture if you must.

    you’re welcome.

  4. jack white wants eighty grand and fresh guacamole and i want you 

    jack white guacamole

    she got in the car and there was an instant connection.

    sometimes its like that.

    sometimes theyre just ready for you and you’ve been waiting for them.

    sometimes they call you by your first name right away and thats ok.

    music is so important but only if no ones talking.

    sometimes you can go a whole ride and never notice whats on because of the good talk

    she smelled good, sounded good, looked good.

    theres only one size of dress on the weekends: short as hell.

    one size of shoe: tall

    my car is clean, it smells good, theres a faint mood lighting tone in the interior

    usually purple, but it can be changed to any color

    she said im going to silver lake.

    i said who isnt

    and after a while, we were there.

  5. Friday, February 6, 2015

    mom, dont look at this post 


    my moms the best mom ever. shes just looking out for her first born.


    she grew up in a time and a place where everyone was nicer and sweeter and way more polite


    except for the crazies discriminating and hanging black people and making them feel terrible about their skin


    so when i swear or use the lords name in vain or put up a “weird” picture, she’ll text me


    “whats going on with all the cursing, are you ok?”


    im totally ok ma, i teller, sometimes you gotta keep it real


    when i was at E! she was very sad because i was cursing like a sailor. same when i was running LAist


    at the Times, my boss advised me to tone it down and man was ma on top of the world.


    where i work now no one cares about this blog because blogging is dead and you know what good


    because even the good book keeps trying to tell us that when you die…


    …you go to heaven


    and in heaven everything is beautiful, even the four letter words



  6. Thursday, February 5, 2015

    today it was almost too hot outside 

    tumblr_miw327dPSF1rionq1o1_500i walked to the drug store to make sure i had a lottery ticket.

    as i walked i thought about all the things i would buy and who has been good to me and who would be annoying and how throwing money at those problems would help me move on to what i really wanted:

    a malibu beach house and a submarine.

    id wanna buy the apartment building ive been living in for the last 14 years and give my upstairs neighbor free rent and ask her to be the manager of the building.

    id also give my other neighbor free rent because her voice soothes me for some reason. shes very feminine and positive.

    got to the drug store and bought the cheapest turkey and cheese sandwich alive.

    thought about getting some Blueberry juice for $4 but figured water would be just as good.

    id open a record store and a roller rink.

    id secretly make them both non profits and give the money to charity.

    id start a record label and put out Tsar records, id open a soul food restaurant in beverly hills called Grady’s

    it would also be a secret non profit.

    id open a drive in somewhere. and a few arcades. you know, all the things bound to lose money but so what.

    id have some money making schemes to keep my empire afloat: baseball cards of homeless people and porn stars.

    bacon and egg brunch joints.

    tv shows for brown people.

    and of course a Church of Rock franchise.

    when i got back to the office i was perspiring a little and took off my Cubs hat.

    pretty much i just wanna buy a mansion for my momma and a plane for me so i could commute to wrigley to watch the cubs do the thing we’ve been waiting forever for them to do.

    would pretty much need a chicago girlfriend somehow.

    that would probably be harder than to win the lottery though seeing as im stuck here in LA sweating under palm trees in February.

  7. Wednesday, February 4, 2015

    when animals teach us why being human is great 

    lefty sharkthe shark during the katy perry super bowl halftime show immediately jumped into our hearts.

    he was off beat, out of sync, didnt know the moves, but instantly endeared the entire globe and then internet

    Left Shark reminded us that to err is not just human, but adorable when you clearly dont give a damn.

    sadly we live in a Right Shark world: an idealized place where every move, though manufactured, is better because it is predictable. cooler because it is straight.

    in Left Land whatevers a way of life.

    practicing would kill the spontaneity, and Lord knows being dressed as a dancing shark isn’t interesting enough: now do it without knowing the routine.

    that’s what separates us from apes.

    blatant unpreparedness.

    on tv.

    dressed like a sea monster.

    long live the left shark revolution!

  8. Alyson asks: Tony, you lead the coolest life. Can I be your Oscar date? 



    you are beautiful and wonderful and Canadian and sassy and all the things I love in an Oscar date

    but this is the first time that I am eligible to not only bring one guest, but because i am working it i can bring two.

    so this year I am bringing two of the most important women in my life.

    the first is my mom, of course, duh, just like what Leo has done

    and the other is the longest girlfriend i ever had, who has been saving the world for the last decade, Chris

    who hasn’t had a good excuse to dress up all fancy and enjoy the thing she loves the most in a while: movies.

    Chris is so ga ga over the Oscars that she used to have Oscar parties with her bff and catch up on all the nominees

    and in many ways she is one of the few people who i think could do a better job at my job than me.

    so they will be my “dates” this year, even though i wont be able to sit with them as i will be running all around the Dolby snapping photos and live blogging and tweeting and etc., for you and you and you.

    next year, however, Alyson, is a different story, so keep blogging, because, as you know,

    that’s a great shortcut to my heart.

  9. Tuesday, February 3, 2015