busblog

nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, August 2, 2016

    dear tony, i just started high school. sucks already. 

    daily nexus 1990

    dear tony,

    im a freshman at high school and i just got my schedule. NONE of my friends from junior high are in any of my classes. zero.

    you’re old, will life always be this freaky and unfair?

    signed, selena gomez

    dear selena,

    well before you were born, i moved from illinois to california. i didnt know anyone at the city college that went to, but first quarter i started talking to this really interesting girl with ripped stockings and words all over her shoes and red lipstick and a stay away vibe. she soon became my girlfriend.

    a couple years later i didnt know any one at uc santa barbara and within hours i met some of the people who have remained my closest friends for the rest of my life.

    and im much shyer than you are.

    in fact i made so many life long friends at college that almost all of them could be put in one of two categories: my hippy friends (below) and my newspaper friends (above)

    hippie friends

    now would i have met these people if for some reason a few of my friends from high school joined me in moving to LA? who knows. maybe. but maybe not.

    the thing is when you have zero friends, you end up making some.
    when you already have some, you might not get a lot of new ones.

    i had a really good high school experience. and i think one reason was was because i got to meet a whole lot of new people, and learn from them, and grow.

    for the next eight years you are going to be in an enviable position where the primary thing you have to focus on is learning

    may i recommend learning everything.

    from every body.

    also, join the band

  2. Monday, August 1, 2016

    two years later, they’re still alive somehow 

    kittensevery morning i open the front door in my robe and retrieve the newspaper.

    yes i am an old man still living in the 1950s.

    two years ago i opened the door and two adorable kittens were on my stoop.

    we had had many stray cats in our courtyard for at least a year and i assumed that the kittens were the offspring of two of them.

    as you may know i live in hollywood in between two very busy streets. plus, a few weeks before i saw the kittens, we heard some very scary animal noises which sounded like a beast eating one of the strays.

    so i took the kittens in. watched in amazement as they took to the kitty litter. and then enjoyed two little twin fuzz balls explore my spacious mansion.

    for some reason i thought someone would take them off my hands.

    but no one ever did.

    are they a little loud in the early mornings?

    who isnt?

    do they ruin my toilet paper roll too often?

    not any more *cracks knuckles*

    do i love them?

    of course.

    happy second birthday Prince and Michael!

  3. Sunday, July 31, 2016

    what Netflix should do with Stranger Things 

    stranger things

    i like binging as much as the next guy. i order two pizzas, i fire up the little flat screen with the Ps4 and I turn on the big flat screen with the Netflix.

    then i eat, play video games, and watch an entire 8-episode season, as it was intended.

    stranger things posterbut now that Netflix has a hit on its hands with Stranger Things, I wish they would do something that goes against their very nature:

    i wish they would show next season’s episodes one week at a time.

    you know, like regular TV shows do.

    they should do it for several reasons starting with spoilers.

    imagine what would have happened with Game of Thrones if they dumped entire seasons out there all at once.

    the spoilers would spread on day one and no one would be universally shocked when their favorite character meets their doom —

    or is resurrected.

    with this plan, every week will be appointment television for those who know they want to Netflix and chill,

    so why not feed on that?

    why not give them what they want every week for certain shows like OITNB, Love, and Stranger Things, and let them dump entire seasons out there for the unproven series

    far be it from me to tell the wildly successful Netflix how to do their thing, but i didnt want Stranger Things to be over so quickly,

    but i also didn’t want some jackhole giving away how the season ended, so i watched it faster than i wanted to.

    first world problems aside, one reason im not a fan of Sugarfish is because, like binging tv series, some of us prefer to savor the beauty.

    i fully understand that one reason netflix and other outlets put out all of the shows at once is to create a big splash, but congratulations, you have a big splash, Stranger Things is a hit. now move on to phase two of your plan: weekly domination.

    bonus: since the show is a huge wet kiss to 70s/80s nostalgia i would play retro commercials before and after each episode,

    some of which are actually real.

  4. Saturday, July 30, 2016
  5. Friday, July 29, 2016

    the best part of ubering people is you learn 

    sunglasses

    picked up two saudi moms near rodeo drive. we passed a tiny park next to the montage hotel. the park was packed with people. it was 7pm but still super sunny because its summer.

    the two ladies exchanged some words to each other in arabic and laughed. i said, i think it’s a free jazz concert. they said, no it’s an arab meet up. one of the women told me that everyone gets dressed up and “casually” meets at the park and gets to know each other and they talk about all of their homes and cars and great schools their kids are going to and they show off their jewelry.

    the other woman told me that they both like to wear more subtle clothes and not try to be show offs.

    i said, ive been keeping it real my whole life. ignore the shiny benz. they laughed and told me how funny i was.

    i said and? and?

    they paused, not understanding.

    i said, and handsome…?

    they laughed.

    one of them got a phone call. two of her kids were fighting and the nanny was calling for advice. the advice was separate them, make them each read a book. they will be talked to when she returns.

    shiny porcheit was super intense and clear and i would be a little scared while reading my dumb book waiting for my mom to come home.

    the other lady continued saying how much she loves Americans. how nice we are. how helpful we are.

    it made me feel so guilty harboring all these bad 9/11 feelings.

    weirdly she was comparing us to the french. apparently they have a summer pad in the south of france and they demand that everyone speaks french even though they know english and they are not at all welcoming.

    i said, sounds like my inlaws. hey now!

    miles davis was playing on the radio because thats what i drive on the expensive platform.

    we made a stop at a fancy wilshire condo skyscraper and dropped off the scary mom. in the driveway was a porche suv but it had gotten customized so that it was metallic looking. and on closer inspection it had its rims Bedazzled. from afar they looked like diamonds.

    “see! see!” they said to each other. “arabs!”

    i had already taken a snapchat picture.

    more things the nice mom told me:

    even though she doesnt obsess over fancy things, she loves diamonds, great purses, shoes, nice dresses, and good hotels.

    she said shes never been to nyc but is going there in the winter because her son has three weeks off for christmas break. he goes to a british school. she told me she doesnt know how to drive. i told her i should start a school called “saudi lady driving school”. she said she would sign up immediately! she said she takes uber all over the world. she said life was so much harder before it was around because not all cabs were cool with driving way out to nowhere to pick her up.

    she said her husband loves jewelry and watches and good cars. and has them shipped to them if theyre going to spend a lot of time somewhere.

    after i dropped off the other mom, the nice one said she wished i was always her driver. i was all, meeeee toooo.

    i wished her a good trip to nyc. and she said Inshallah. i asked what does that beautiful word mean?

    she said, oh, it means if God wills.

    i said As-salamu alaykum

    and her mouth dropped.

    thanks ice cube.

  6. dear tony, why have you never gotten hitched? 

    amber and isally from salsberg ask, so um, if you were sooooo in love with all of your girlfriends, *points* why did you never marry any of them?

    there are two good reasons.

    the first is one that a certain group of people will understand. the second is a reason that only longtime readers of this magical blog will fully get.

    i loved mary, my first girlfriend from high school, with all of my heart. she got me to start writing regularly because we wrote letters to each other sometimes two times a day. often illustrated.

    if i had married mary i would have never met and learned from and experienced life with michele. i loved michele so much that we spent years together without even doing “it”. and if i had married her in her mom and dad’s malibu seaside valhalla, i would have never fully experienced what college had to offer namely the girl with the yellow cowboy boots, the girl who got me up against the cliffs in the moonlight, the one who slid open my sliding glass door in the middle of the night when i thought to myself man do i really want that girl to come over to my house right now and slide open my side door, or the girl i tried to date but we just giggled every time like little kids and even when we kissed bc it felt like two refrigerator magnets with the same polarity, and i would have never have met jeanine.

    if i had married jeanine i would have never moved to frisco when the internet was starting and i wouldnt have experienced the asian nympho, if i had married her id be dead right now and i would have never been seduced by the truest. i loved the truest with all of my heart and we had a great great great run but if we had gotten married i would have never had those wild vegas and canadian and dutch and mexican nights, not to mention the nba cheerleaders and anna and the cuban. who i also loved. so much. and on and on to amber, pictured. who, i fully believe, was put in my life so we could save jeanines life.

    which isnt to say that when people get married, the fun stops, but in my 100+ years ive had some fun that pretty much only a man who is not attached could have. was it deeper fun than the joy of having a wife kids and a mcmansion? probably not. in baseball terms it was a screaming triple and not a game winning home run.

    but you know us black ppl. we know how to steal home.

    which brings us to the real reason. the sad reason. the reason that no one except a few will truly understand.

    when you are in the xbi. the worst thing you could ever do is get married.

    not only because you will probably die a miserable death which would leave your wife a widow and your kids orphans. but often your family is in terrible danger and at risk of kidnap, rape, and murder. incredibly evil people can even threaten such things and it can throw off even the toughest agents. it’s not fair to the ones you love, so usually what happens is the xbi, in their little ways, takes your girlfriends away, “finds” them super handsome incredible dudes, give those dudes tons of cash, and uses xbi ways to make them fall for the gentlemen and forget about the busblog.

    just like how they forgot about dre.

    and then everyone lives happily ever after.

    so as an agent you have to live for the day, keep yr eye on the prime directive,

    and know that your personal sacrifice of that one little slice of life,

    is far more important than

    earthly delights.

  7. Thursday, July 28, 2016

    i will always love mike tyson 

    tyson

    if i wasnt such a slacker, id write the Macbeth story about Tyson that I keep thinking about

    warrior who was the greatest warrior until he got confused by women and a King

    but that story just makes me so so sad.

    pictures like this, tho cheer me up.

  8. why did we let anyone try to convince us that Obama wasn’t great 

    obama

    last night the first black president stepped up to the plate
    and did what he normally does
    he looked around, pointed to deep centerfield
    and hit the ball exactly where he pointed
    and ran around the bases casually
    smiling
    as the whole world cheered.

    yet for nearly eight years we sat there
    and listened to nincompoops and idiots
    bitch and whine that
    Nobama didn’t do this or did that wrong or foolishly.

    people have the shortest memories.

    things were so bad in 2007 that when Obama won his first presidential election
    some speculated that the Republicans didn’t even really try to win
    because they knew that no one could lift us out of the
    shitty stinky fucked up hole
    that eight years of Bush / Cheney sank us into.

    and even though for most of his 8 years he had a do nothing Congress
    who said straight up that they were going to do everything they could
    to make sure he would only be a one-term president
    he ended up being one of the greatest leaders
    an America ever had.
    twenty million people now have health insurance
    millions of gays and lesbians can get married now
    and be in the armed forces without having to pretend
    our national debt has been reduced
    millions of people who were unemployed now have jobs
    the stock and real estate markets are booming.

    and best of all, the Cubs are on their way to becoming a Dynasty.

    if some grumpy old white Republican dude with gray hair and a big belly
    had done this
    they’d be talking about adding him to Mount Rushmore

    never let them convince you
    even for a minute
    that Obama isn’t spectacular.
    they are jealous,
    and they should be
    on so many levels.

  9. Wednesday, July 27, 2016

    dear tony, where’s your jungle fever? 

    2893776813_7ee698ff28 Detective Diana asks, Why don’t you date black women? I’ve seen millions of pictures of you with women, women in your room, on your bed, in your arms, at your table, by your side, and none of them is black! (Your family doesn’t count!) Have you ever gone out with a black woman or do you have a “thing” for skinny white bitches with long (bottle job) blonde hair? And damn it, whyyyyy?

    i know it might look like i blog Evvvvvvery part of my life, but even at my most prolific i was only writing four times a day. take  the most boring man and in his day theres way more than four things to talk about.

    heres the deal with me and nubian princesses.

    when you are the only black kid in town, when you are going through puberty and all you see are white faces, thats what you are going to be attracted to.

    meanwhile when the only time you see faces that look like yours at family picnics and christmas and reunions and stuff, youre probably not going to be attracted to them because they look like your cousin or grandma or sister or auntie.

    but thanks to the world wide web of love and particularly blogging, the world famous reached across the sea

    and one day i caught the eye of a young lady in Holland who wrote a blog called Just A Girl.

    she was funny and smart and one thing i loved (and still love) about blogging is learning about other peoples cultures and food and weirdnesses that happen ANYWHERE ELSE but in the USA.

    which is probably why its no surprise that i have been such a huge fan of Canadian blogs.

    anyways JaG and i would link to each other and email and leave comments and one day

    the Dutch Government

    reached out to me and offered me a vacation in Amsterdam, all expenses paid, including hotel, bicycle, museum pass, and everything.

    i said whats the catch?

    they said no catch just put this little button on your blog and promise us that you will write ONE thing about your trip to the land of the nether

    i said done and done and i wrote JaG and i said America is about to invade

    and she sent me back this very picture

    JAG2

    and i flew to europe and she said something about a possible new boyfriend

    and i said something along the lines of hos in different area codes and she said i dont know that phrase

    i said, if you meet me IRL and you love me

    you must follow your heart.

    at the time i was working for Buzznet, which was Flickr before Flickr was Flickr

    it was also a great community of people from all around the world.

    i said baby im gonna have a Buzznet party and i want you and Bicycle Mark to come and everyone else who

    loves to party and she said done done done

    and i said no pressure but if we fall for each other you will be the first black girl i ever kissed

    so its a good thing you have this fake bf because you really should practice your kissing before i get there

    she laughed and said dont get your hopes up

    932564070_629c7a5829

    so we met and it was beautiful and we hit it off immediately and a party was thrown

    but it was i who was super nervous and i drank too much and i smoked too much and i ate too much and

    soon it was alllll being hurled into the spectacular amsterdam canal

    and i was all now ive blown it, who wants to kiss a guy with vomit breath

    and she escorted me to my five star hotel and she waited for me to brush my teeth and mouthwash my mouth

    and when i got out of the bedroom

    there she was

    and let me tell you this, detective,

    that girl had definitely practiced.

    two years later we reunited in canada

    and thats a story for a way different question.

  10. theres cat hair on my cubs hat 

    Elvis Costellotheres cat hair on my shirt.

    when i rolled over to one side of my bed there was cat hair there too.

    the girl on the couch spent the night else where last night so i shut my door and gave them

    the entire run of the mansion

    other than my messy little room

    and at an early hour they stuck their paws under the door

    and meowed and rattled walls

    and demanded to see the man of the house.

    due to one thing leading to another i had not retired until 3am and i did not appreciate this disturbance at the heron house

    so i threw a shoe at the door to shut them up

    but they found the shoe string of the sneaker and pulled at it

    thus making the door bang that much louder

    so i threw another shoe

    and another.

    and finally a book

    and two more books.

    of course they thought this was a hilarious game.

    so i stormed to the door, making sure to be extra loud on the hardwood floor

    i heard them scatter and i whipped open the door and dramatically chased them around the first floor.

    i drew a bath.

    i caught them.

    i threw one and then the other in the bath.

    their feet touched the top of the water and miraculously flew elsewhere.

    they hid. wet. somehow mad AT ME

    i marched back to bed

    pulled the blanket over my head.

    and on the blanket – more cat hair.