nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, September 5, 2014

    xbi was all thanks for what you did but isnt your house all bloody now? 

    glazed tub and sink

    i was like, never you mind. wheres my money.

    they were all, seriously if theres a blood trail we’re all screwed. i said dude, ive been doing this forever, dont you know i know?

    still they were nervous for some reason. who was this guy? why was this any different.

    they said, we’re gonna send someone over to make sure everythings untraceable.

    i said, absolutely not. plus nothing happened. he was persuaded, and he was escorted out. end of story.

    they said, come on agent, everyone wants to sleep tight tonight.

    so i said the worst thing i could ever say.

    trust me.

    and in the morning i woke up and my 13 year old yellow bathtub and sink were completely reglazed

    and virgin white.

    but worse, my uber app didn’t work any more.

    everyone knows uber customer support for drivers takes forever which means i probably wont be driving this weekend now.

    what the hell am i supposed to do on a friday night? take a damn bath?

  2. i like that she sometimes leaves her dresses here 

    new dress

    but it makes me wonder what she wore home.

    women are mysteries.

    do they not want to appear to be taking the “walk of shame”?

    the other day i discovered the Uber of shame.

    nice guy walked his super hot girl out to the curb, i picked her up. he hugged her and asked me if i had the address to drop her off.

    she crawled into the back seat, high high heels, short short dress

    false eyelashes totally abused

    she tapped tapped on her iphone the whole ride, every now and then looking out the window.

    never talking to me. so skinny.

    i wondered if she was a girl he had met at the club the night before.

    or something more scandalous.

    but then i remembered the hug.

    we drove from koreatown to around USC. she was the daintiest asian.

    and my esp was totally not in tune. such a mystery. maybe it was better that way.

    maybe everythings better that way.

  3. Wednesday, September 3, 2014

    Kanye West at the Made in America concert in LA’s Grand Park 

    im sure theres something wrong with our mayor, eric garcetti.

    he’s fit, he’s smart, he gets things done, he smiles, he doesnt seem to BS you

    he is pro Uber, he’s pro growth, and no one seems to have too many terrible things to say about him.

    jay z beyonce aoki garcettiis he an alien? a vampire? is he going to turn us all into food?


    but in the meantime he pulled off something really interesting this weekend, along with Jay Z and Kanye West:

    a twisted dark fantasy on the steps of city hall.

    usually that sort of thing is reserved for inside the building or across the street.

    it probably lost the city a bunch of money it doesnt have.

    and it helped promote the most gutless, useless beer in the nation.

    but it also starred one of the most fascinatingly dark and troubled geniuses of LA: a man who cursed and stomped and wore a ridiculous mask

    and dares to call himself Yeezus.

    and when you watch who was in the audience this weekend there were all types of faces, mostly brown

    you know, exactly how LA truly is.

    kanye tried to start some slam pits, which he adorably called circles

    but LA cant be told what to do.

    but we will come to a party and thats what the mayor hosted and a lot of people are butthurt because he rammed it through but sometimes thats exactly what the leader should do

    he should wheel a keg down the street, crank up the jams and start passing out the red solo cups.

    so thank you mr. mayor.

    next year please hold the Mayer.

  4. Tuesday, September 2, 2014

    the xbi sent me a telegram (!) yesterday 

    mileyit said, have you noticed that everyone all around you falls apart?

    and it made me go through a series of emotions:

    disbelief, all my friends and loved ones are at the top of their game

    doubt, except for that one and that one and

    anger, if the xbi is behind all of this i will use their evil weaponry against them!

    sleepiness, man i was pooped

    super anger, why would they waste their energies on me

    religious, dear god please smite them with your fancy energies of retribution

    and then finally zen: i sent them a pie

    along with it a note

    if you eat this pie all the negative feelings you were trying to instil on me will be multiplied

    and you will have gas for a good thirty minutes

    maybe forty!

    if you dont eat this pie you will prove to me that you have no courage

    for how can a pie be filled with feelings you superstitious so called superheroes!?!!?

    prove you have eaten it all by video taping it with a copy of todays newspaper

    which some of them did as i recently received a youtube clip.

    never kiss an xbi agent.

    they’ll put anything in their mouth.

  5. did 20 rides yesterday in 10.5 hours 


    when i got home i unwrapped a 5 hour old taco bell burrito from my glove box,

    ate it, and passed out.

    can a 108 year old man sustain two jobs, two kittens, a smokin hot girlfriend, an ex-gf on the couch

    and blog regularily?

    according to danielle: no. she called me yesterday to tell me she hates when i blog about uber.

    she also told me that the blue car i gave her a few years ago finally bit the dust.

    “who cares about those people in your car? plus you look like a perv in those pictures!”


    not all of us were born with beautiful long blonde hair and runway model features.

    i simply talk to the people, try not to judge, and smile for the birdy.

    yesterday was labor day, it was supposed to be hella busy. it pretty much was.

    first guy i picked up was the worst (made me wait when i arrived, then made me stop at the 7-11 near his destination, all while wearing a pink polo shirt and pink shorts). gay prostitute? doubt it, gays are more fun.

    last couple i picked up were the best: nice long ride from marina del rey to LAX where a bag was delayed and they had to retrieve it, back to hollywood near my house. bonus: their cute dog was a silent bit of joy.

    along the way there were frat boys, international students, an old british guy who had returned from palm springs early and wanted one more drink at the Old Kings Head, and the usual assortment of sexy ladies who threw themselves at me.

    i surpassed my goal, my arms didn’t hurt, i drove 200 miles, never had to fill up, and only took one bathroom break which happened to be in a freshly cleaned taco bell bathroom (so i purchased said burritos as a thank you).


    but the most interesting ride was a 10th grader named Bermuda who told me she snuck into the Budweiser Made in America concert on Sunday to see her favorite rapper, Kanye West. even though she lives in a pretty fancy house she thought the lineup was terrible and the thought of paying hundreds of dollars to see one act was ridic so she and her friends paid a guy $75 to illegally escort her past the security guard. apparently he had bribed a particular guard and walked people in all day.

    Bermuda said the only other time she had seen Kanye was at the Odd Future festival last year at the Sports Arena.

    i said, you were in 9th grade and you saw the Odd Future show? she was all, yeah. i said, should 9th grade girls be going to an Odd Future show alone? she giggled and said, noooooooo.

    i said, im turning off the meter right now because youre awesome.

    then she told me that the only annoying thing about school are the 6th graders who are into Tyler from Odd Future because it dimishes her love of him.

    hes a genius, like kanye, she said.

  6. Sunday, August 31, 2014

    picked up three at a fancy beverly hills hotel 

    kissingthe two female passengers wore thigh high lingerie and skirts and seemed very drowsy

    their handsome gentleman friend sat beside me and we headed for the sunset strip.

    were they movie stars or rock stars or friends of friends of the famous

    who knows, all i know is they probably needed a pick me up

    cake came on my phone

    short skirt, long sweater

    one of the ladies went, omg my dad listens to this.

    not sure if that was a compliment but kept rolling.

    finally one of them said how sleepy they were again so i said, how about i pull over to that drug store over there and bro can get you guys a mexicoke or something

    they agreed to a pink monster

    normally i dont really like waiting because you dont make very much money waiting, it’s almost like youre losing it.

    but friday was so slow i didnt care.

    in fact these ppl were funner than most everyone else all day

    it was taking dude forever to come back with the drinks

    so i said, hey can i take a picture of you for my uber instagram?

    one of them said, your ubergram?

    and i was all


  7. who is your eazy 

    easy ewhen i was a kid i wanted to be a teacher.

    but i would be a bad teacher.

    i would say things like, wait Nobody but this kid read the chapter today? figures. i hear your music. if you call it that.

    robot squeaks and sound effects.

    push buttons and artificial dynamics.

    music evolved from chuck berry to hendrix to nirvana to this?

    who is your eazy e?


    who is your led zeppelin?

    no wonder you dont read things except on your phone.

    the reality is dismal.

    beep beep bop.

    once ac/dc was playing at irvine meadows which was the spot of an abandonded lion country safari.

    back in those days there was omg no internet so if you wanted tickets to a show you either had to go to a record store or department store that had the ticket machines

    or you called on the phone.

    so i called the morning of the show and said hey are there a lot of tickets available or should i go down to robinsons and get a ticket right away.

    and the lady said oh theres plenty, have no fear.

    queensryche was opening. operation mindcrime, g.

    figured id save some service fees by just driving down to the show and buying some grass tickets at the box office.

    when i got there they were sold out and there were lots of us who were under the impression that tickets would be available at the gate.

    so someone said, lets hike through lion country safari and hop the fence.

    and all of us said, thats the most perfect idea of all time.

    it was scary, dangerous, illegal, regretable

    and well worth it when you find yourself in the midst of a full blown acdc show

    and hells bells is ringing as you run from the cops.

    either do your homework or make music worth getting popped for.

  8. a pretty girl got a ride to my house last night 


    bedside bed

    she brought pizza because it was a saturday night

    but not just pizza, an entire pizza for me

    and one entire pizza for her.

    i was all, skinny girl you aint gonna eat that whole  damn pie

    and despite being fat as a cow i wasnt gonna eat no whole pieneither

    because its california the pizzas were about 13 inches

    and slightly lopsided with sauce painted on it like it was interior designed

    dollops of cheese blops here

    green leafy things that just casually drifted off a tree

    and ended up there.

    their ovens are 900 degrees and pizza becomes pizza in seconds.

    its slightly unnatural.

    the uber took her 30 minutes from the beach to east hollywood because it was late

    and people were like me, already drunk at 5, and sorta passed out by 8 and awake again

    but drowsy, and after a hot shower, you know what, an entire pizza

    was entirely right.

  9. Saturday, August 30, 2014
  10. Friday, August 29, 2014