nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, June 10, 2015

    today is the truest’s birthday, shes 24 

    the truest

    ive been around the block.

    im pretty sure ive met the finest women alive.

    ive omg even kissed some of them.

    and many kissed me right back.

    todays birthday girl is the one who kissed me back the most.

    from frisco to france.

    right now shes driving across the country from the nations capitol

    back to america via texas new mexico and arizona.

    she’ll be in cali in a few days on her way home to mid central southern oregon

    land of the free.

    the truest has a masters now in saving the world.

    so if you find yourself in need

    just do as i did

    say a little prayer, from yr heart

    and there she’ll be.

  2. Tuesday, June 9, 2015

    lebron james is reminding us to forget about jordan 

    Kim Kardashian West once MJ got some decent hall of famers around him the rings flowed.

    Bron thought he had two all stars on his team but they got hurt

    (didn’t matter.)

    the Cavs are now leading the Warriors two games to one and it seems Cleveland is only getting better.

    even their scrappy little Aussie is magically playing like an all-star.

    meanwhile Golden State is crumbling

    like a week old bundt cake that someone put in a bread basket in the fridge

    after being specifically told

    NOT to touch the bundt cake

    it was perfectly good on the countertop

    the cats were not at all interested in it.

    it’s ok they’d sniff at it

    they didnt want to eat it.

    seriously, you ever see a cat eat a bundt cake?


    they barely eat anything.

    and what they eat they love:


    not cake.

    and certainly not friggin

    bundt cake.

    you know who likes bundt cake?


    but not after its been dried out in a fridge it had no business being in.

  3. nine years ago today i took over LAist 

    the pants tony pierce and big tanky

    we had a big introductory meeting at the good luck bar on hillhurst.

    i had no idea what i was gonna do with that blog,

    but i knew i didnt wanna screw it up for the next person.

    i was able to succeed because my bosses jake and jen gave me free reign.

    i think they talked to me like 5 times total about what their general ideas were

    but for the majority of it all they were like, dude this is your puppy, just dont get us sued.

    we broke all sorts of records, had lots of fun, and several people who trusted me and volunteered

    ended up with paying writing and photography gigs all over.

    again: when i started i had no idea what i was gonna do with that blog

    i even went to vegas first to sort out my mind, but that was useless.

    the only thing that works for me is to get in the middle of it all

    surround myself with exciting, creative, good hearted people

    and work together into trying to make something cool one day at a time.

    did i care if they had experience? no. because life is experience.

    did i care that they were good writers? no. because life makes you good at everything.

    did i care that some of them misunderstood me at first?

    yes, but i shouldnt have. LA is huge, and also

    even the moon, far away as it is, has fans down here on earth.

    just shine.

  4. Monday, June 8, 2015

    today is jeff solomons birthday, he’s 24 

    jeff solomon

    the reason you have today off is because of the bass player of Tsar

    people complained there were too many federal holidays, but when Ronald Reagan

    heard the soothing bass lines come from the teenage Jeff Solomon’s marshall half stack

    he was all, “damn, lemme sit down for a second, mommy.”

    and the president sat there and put his head in his hands and just wept for a little while.

    because it was beautiful.

    jeff had really long hair back then and he dabbed the tears from the president’s face with it.

    reagan decided there and then that today, june 8th would be a federal holiday

    but his vice president


    said, dude we can’t do this. Solomon is a jew and we cant make the first federal holiday honoring a jew

    be for a teenage boy: people will talk!

    but one thing nice about Dutch Reagan that people loved was, he didn’t really give a shit what people thought.

    ironic. but true. and on his death bed Nancy tried to rip up the executive order making today a holiday

    but Jeff had made a Xerox copy and mailed it to the library of Congress

    where it sits today

    and that is why we all get today off. so thank you Jeff

    and thank you Ronald “Lion of Judah” Reagan for honoring our very dear friend.

  5. Sunday, June 7, 2015
  6. matt welch has a solid, unhysterical interview with Rand Paul 

    my man matt welch should have his own tv show.

    maybe just call it


    on it he can talk to politicians, musicians, and baseball people.

    it should be on msnbc and it should follow Maddow.

    why? because when matt talks with people he isn’t trying to be showbiz and crazy

    and omg.

    he just wants to get to the bottom of things in an intellectual and normal way.

    because of that, his guests dont have to – if they dont wanna – put on all of their weirdo little affectations.

    in this week’s interview with the republican frontrunner, they talk about drugs, snowden, and the NSA

    as if they were simply sending and replying text messages

    in lowercase.

    this is what some of us want, american tv programmers.

    we dont need phony baloney hosts getting all cray.

    maybe some of the simpleminded do, but many of us dont.

    we can find our entertainment elsewhere.

  7. Saturday, June 6, 2015

    picked up a big black dude yesterday 


    smelled of weed, had a sweet pad, showed me pics of all these women he’s “dating”

    he made me wait as he did a wire transfer and when people do that i always assume its a bank robbery

    not a bank robbery, instead we drove over to the wesssside

    went to my favorite hotel to powder my nose then as i was pulling out got pinged

    three nice canadians wanted to go to the airport

    third airport run of the day

    first was a lawyer from caa flying to seattle

    second was a 17 year old german lass who when i asked

    whats your favorite part of LA

    she said, everything.

    i said danke and she giggled.

  8. Friday, June 5, 2015

    what did i even do yesterday 

    alioh yeah: everything.

    my real work has been busy, which is great. i love my job especially when theres lots to do.

    in college i had four jobs, in frisco i had three, i guess because im elderly now i only have two.

    it’s not the money im seeking, otherwise i would just go into real estate, it’s the experiences, the people you meet, the things you learn.

    money is the biggest fakeout. most of us make the same amount, relatively, so the question is what did you even do yesterday and usually most of that has to do with what you did at work.

    one thing i did yesterday was go to our incredible library to research something im writing.

    i was so overwhelmed with how much good stuff is there i nearly fell asleep. which was weird. particularly because i had just had a coke. then i took a quick walk around the library and i was back.

    a lesson i learned researching three really good movies was how brutal some of the negative criticisms can be. mixed reviews are common

    but mama mia some very big newspapers can just tear apart something that later is considered great

    while at the same time some other very big papers praise it.

    i guess the takeaway is never read the reviews.

    afterwards i listened to the nba finals on the radio while ubering. all i wanted was a trip to the airport.

    at 8:30pm i gave up and as i was driving home got a ping from a huge fancy condo off wilshire in westwood

    down came someone who looked like a supermodel heading to the airport.

    she discovered her flight was being delayed an hour and decided not to turn around. as we headed to the airport i was trying to figure out how to say

    “hey how about you and i have some quick sushi at kanpai for a half hour” but uber drivers are creepy enough.

    i did tell her about it, but she wasnt interested.

    then we passed In N Out and I said, i can drive you through there if you want.

    and she said the saddest thing, “in a different life, i’d love to eat dinner there.”

  9. Thursday, June 4, 2015
  10. Wednesday, June 3, 2015

    met two dudes who had never seen true romance 

    true romance

    picked them up in hollywood, late, and they wanted to go to burbank.

    one of them had been in LA for a few years the other one only a few months.

    as we passed the Safari Inn in north hollywood i was all, hey thats where they filmed some of true romance.

    they were all what?

    i was like the tarantino movie with patricia arquette.

    never heard of it.

    brad pitt’s in it too, briefly, hes stoned.

    one of em goes theres a tarantino movie i havent seen?

    i go, well he wrote it, but it does feel like one of his.

    they were very excited and even though it was like 12:30 at night the one guy says

    now i know what we’re doing tonight.

    i was almost jealous.