nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, October 10, 2014
  2. busblogs dont explain things with words 

    kyla and tyler in 2008which is ironic because of the blog the poems the stories the novellas and the text messages.

    busblogs explain with actions.

    in a perfect world all there’d be is scoreboard. results. stuff.

    i hear some people say oh he means well or oh he has a good heart but in real life what were his actions. they werent good.

    my actions are so good theyre boring. my words are so boring theyre dull.

    theres two things ive noticed in my waning years on this crust: people like to do things with me on nights where i want to uber

    and people want to talk talk talk to me on the phone.

    bill murray invented the perfect way of life. he got a cell phone to text his sons and he got an 800 number for people to


    to reach him. but for the most part he never calls anyone back. unless it’s awesome.

    i love the people. all the people. theres probably only 4-5 people i dont love and they know who they are.

    they wronged me in brutal ways and never apologized so the hell with them.

    the rest i love and they all know the best days to hang out with me are weekdays after work minus fridays.

    and they also know not to make me call them on the phone. i know i have a pretty voice. how about i just whisper it.

    i also dont like to be told what to do. if you ask nice i’ll probably do it. especially if you whisper it.

    do these things mean that i’ll never be married and tied down with a mortgage and kids and soccer practices

    and animals barking as im trying to watch the bears game in my study?

    is bill murray happy?

    not even the barking dog in my neighbors apartment is happy and that fucker can lick his own nuts

    so what chance do any of us have

  3. Thursday, October 9, 2014

    we have a new website 

    oscar website

    we’ve been working on it for a very long time. it’s a huuuge website with lots of interesting nooks and crannies.

    Screen Shot 2014-10-09 at 10.55.59 AM

    there’s a social media drawer on the right side of every page – something ive never seen before. tons of photos.

    Screen Shot 2014-10-09 at 10.54.56 AM

    and right now if you bop around a little on it you might find a contest to win tickets to sit in the stands next to the red carpet.

    Screen Shot 2014-10-09 at 11.00.54 AM

    ive been involved in several redesigns and relaunches. this is the first time a newspaper had an article about it the morning it came out.

    Screen Shot 2014-10-09 at 10.58.30 AM

    i guess people really do like our story.

  4. Wednesday, October 8, 2014

    saw Lorde last night at the Greek 

    lordeshe’s tremendous. i shoulda seen her both nights.

    there was a time not that long ago where i listened to Lorde every morning as i showered for 6 months straight.

    never the same song, always different ones.

    she intrigues me how she can be so mature for her age (17). and yet so much about her lyrics are about kid stuff

    going to the tennis courts

    sitting in the back seat of the car looking at houses

    being told by the djs what to do with her hands

    in concert she looks down at the ground alot and hides her face with her hair

    she jerks around like that dude from radiohead and angus from ac/dc

    she seems to be having issues with stage fright and total excitement that shes one of the biggest stars in the world

    without having to show off her body or date the cute boy from the huge movie.

    its interesting that taylor swift wants to be besties with her because theyre totally opposite live

    taylor has all the rockstar poses and dancers and party favors and pianos and guitars

    lorde just gets up there and starts singing her sad songs in long robes and old lady gowns

    puts her head down and convulses during the musical parts.

    she addressed the crowd just once in a little convo where she said how a year ago she was new to LA

    and playing in far smaller venues, but everyone was super nice and supportive to her and now a year later

    shes sold out two nights at the Greek.

    she seemed legit impressed and humbled by it.

    so much so that i bought two bootleg tshirts.

  5. Tuesday, October 7, 2014

    the xbi has a very clear rule about dating 

    armit forbids it.

    doesnt matter if you are a current or former agent. you cant do it.

    the theory is you the people the xbi go after are so ruthless that they would easily kidnap or threaten to harm a significant other in the heat of battle, and thus put the agency in a position of weakness.

    and emotion.

    weakness and emotion is what the xbi uses as leverage against its foes, not the other way around.

    there are plenty of escorts and other women the agency provides to agents who need or request tlc but anything serious or romantic is strictly taboo, off limits, out of bounds, and non negotiable.

    these things were shouted at me when i began dating ashley, chris, clipper girl, clipper girls cousin, the cuban, and especially the boss’s daughter.

    it’s shocking they even let me live but apparently the bad guys really believe that im no longer an agent or they think the knowledge that i hold is outdated.


    regardless, often i give women who i have fallen for emotionally the novel Pimp by Iceberg Slim. in it, the gentleman claims that being a pimp is the loneliest job in the world. while that may be the case, once you enter the xbi you are asked to keep your distance from your friends family and under no circumstances can you engage in serious romance.

    no matter how much you like them.

    naturally i have disobeyed almost every rule they have thrust upon me

    but they have their own special way of enforcing them

    and punishing my defiance.

    in the end, i understand that it’s for the best. but still.

    iceberg aint got nothing on us.

  6. Monday, October 6, 2014

    sometimes you need to find a man riding an ostrichcycle 


    share some slices of pizza with a dude named Bloopy


    check out an Americana kids band fronted by your former roommate


    then watch some semi nude youngins balance in a magical park


    and then hang out with your good friend amy jo


    but i will warn you, you might want to obey Douglas Adams’s rule of always having a towel


    because you might end up near a pool filled with your friends and their kids on a triple digit day

    pool scene

    i will miss you, first October weekend!

  7. Friday, October 3, 2014

    what if it’s my destiny to do exactly what im supposed to be doing? 

    the blues brothersfor most of my life ive felt the urge to be doing something else.

    but then when i start doing that something i get weirded out and want to do something else.

    even when i was in my dream job of being the boss of LAist i wanted to work at the LA Times

    then when i got that job, an office, an amazing assistant, and all the coolest blogs, i wanted to be somewhere else.

    is there any wonder i am not married with 2.4 kids with a two story house in the suburbs?

    but weirdly when i see my friends with those things im all: want!

    im already tired of my kittens, even though they are ridiculously cute and get so excited when i come home.

    kittens arent supposed to be like that, but they are to me. they follow me to the bathroom

    they sit on the sink and watch me read from the toilet.

    they follow me to the kitchen and hop on boxes and watch and watch.

    when i finally make it to the couch they hop on my chest and give me boob massages which is their way of saying omg how was your day?

    still, im not crazy that the house smells of kitten and they like to rip things up and track dirt on my shiny new white sink and tub.

    but they do eat bugs spiders and weird flying things and they entertain me while my tv is not working so

    theres still something wrong with me.

    my car has this great radio. it lets you program your 10 favorite rock bands in there and it tells you whenever they are on the radio.

    doesnt matter what im looking for if it says Led Zeppelin is on channel 25, i’ll switch over.


    im seriously thinking about cutting my cable and my home internet. it’s just too much money and it distracts.

    this last week ive been getting to sleep on time. i wake up earlier. it’s quieter.

    and im reading like crazy: paper products. isnt that what al gore wanted?

    the blues brothers didnt have the web and they did just fine.

    until they got thrown in joliet state prison.