nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, August 5, 2015

    the thing about my life is i tell zero percent of it here 

    maybe zero point one percent.

    the problem is im very shy deep down. so shy it embarrassing.

    youd think that someone who has written every day for fourteen years would just lay it all out there but how can i?

    im taking a pretty girl out this weekend. who knows where. hopefully bowling.

    i havent been bowling in so long. im a good bowler. i have trophies.

    trophies from when i was a kid. trophies from now. bowling trophies.

    its why the women want me.

    i dont throw a hook. its not a straight one neither. it sorta drifts.

    almost tricks the pins into thinking theres no way

    but then theres a way.

    i have my own ball.

    the neighbors threw out two more and i rescued one.

    so i have two balls. three if you count my first one which i never use.

    today i took the richest woman id ever met to her summer home at the top of the beverly hills hills.

    she told me she was russian and married a man from dubai.

    we talked about tolstoy and jazz.

    her mom laughed at my jokes but otherwise never said a word back there.

  2. yesterday was the president of the usa’s bday, he’s 24 


    we probably shouldnt see race in things, i should probably eat better, i should probably go to the gym

    i should probably buy better clothes.

    and i should probably say how happy i am about soul brother number one.

    it is nice to have someone in the white house who

    isnt completely full of shit

    isnt a total fucking knob

    and even if hes spying on us all, every one of us, all the time

    and lying about it

    at least he’s probably looking for actual terrible people

    and cruising right over the typical embarrassing stuff

    like how bad i am at fantasy baseball.

    things i wish he would do more of:

    television speeches

    beer summits

    interviews with howard stern.

    you promised us change.

    anyway, happy birthday!

  3. Tuesday, August 4, 2015

    who goes there 

    baloonim gonna try something this week while driving the uber. an experiment of sorts. im not going to say anything about my real life. im gonna be quiet.

    i feel like i talk too much. some people hate it when drivers talk to much, especially about themselves.

    i had a beautiful asian young woman in my uber last week. she said how great the ride was, but still i blew it.

    at the end i asked her how you say Goodbye in Taiwanese.

    she told me and i was all what?

    she told me again and i remembered i cant speak any foreign language.

    not even if you tell me the word twice.

    im an idiot.

    last night i took this old businessman from beverly hills to his hotel in the val.

    we had to go through coldwater canyon which is twisty turny. i dont like it cuz theres always some jackhole tailgating me.

    we were doing well until we started talking about meryl streep

    i told him i heard an interview with her where she said as soon as she turned 40 all the roles she was getting were for witches

    eventually she took one

    (“Into The Woods”)

    but still, shes meryl freaking streep.

    suddenly this affable man was like

    people shouldnt complain. if you dont like something do something about it. stop whining.

    i was all, whoa.

    he said, if i dont make a sale i dont blame anyone but myself.

    it seemed to have struck a nerve.

    i hope i dont get 1 star from how that ended.

  4. Monday, August 3, 2015

    today’s the busblog’s birthday, it’s 14 

    i am super grateful to ev and his team for starting blogger way back when.

    i am also very thankful to all of you for coming here all the time to peek into my so called life

    here’s some random blog posts, one from each of the last 14 years, to celebrate this long, strange, trip

    ken layne at his wedding, shows bonnie his ring as Jeanine looks on

    10/25/01 ken and laura get married in baja mexico and we all went down there and it was incredibly magical

    9/1/2002 greg vaine has an art show in frogtown, turns out it’s all portraits of his friends

    Anna Kournikova

    4/11/2003 – anna kournikova was the biggest busblog fan for a little while, then she got boring

    old addy

    11/29/2004 – that time Shepard Fairey said it was ok for me to use one of his images for my second blook and the orders started rolling in. some of them in beautifully hand drawn envelopes

    sammy sosa

    1/31/2005 – sammy sosa, the best Cub in decades gets traded to Baltimore for a bag of beans and a cow

    9/13/2006 – the third month into running LAist i took a road trip around the country, this was an interview with the graveyard manager of the Kum N Go in Iowa

    da bears

    2/4/2007 the bears lose the super bowl, but prince was good

    kyla and tyler in 2008

    11/18/2008 – how to be an uncle to an ornery kid

    may 20, 2009 i was invited to the american idol finale that adam lambert won. it was the first time i ever saw KISS

    8/22/2010 the sunset junction street fair was pretty much the best thing ever

    6/22/2011 andrea asks “Is it always a good idea to listen to your gut? ”

    8/30/2012 Tsar release the video to “Police Station”

    oj helmet

    5/20/2013 xbi said they were sorry for almost killing me, and were wondering if id consult


    2/22/2014 hey tony wanna announce the ucla baseball game in an hour at jackie robinson stadium?

    me and mom at the Oscars

    2/23/15 few things are better than taking your mom to the Oscars

    happy birthday weird ass blog that could

  5. Sunday, August 2, 2015

    why doesnt the LA Times run Bloom County on Sundays? 

    bloom county

    Who cares how much it costs.

    Could it cost more than Jonah Goldberg?

    Who better to get people to buy Sunday subscriptions?

    Seriously name 5 people currently not in the Sunday LA Times weekly who would get over 10,000 people to start subscribing immediately.

    Here’s my five

    The aforementioned Bloom County

    Matt Groening’s Life In Hell

    Bill Maher

    Louis C.K.

    Taylor Swift

    And of those five only Bloom County is doing something weekly right now that would easily fit into the paper.

  6. ive known these dudes for 27 years?!?!?! 

    chris and robwhen i met chris he weighed 20 pounds more than he does now.

    when i met rob he was a long haired jew. now he’s Indian.

    over the years we’ve gone through a lot and done a lot. and you know i can’t remember us ever being mad at each other

    about anything!

    is that possible?

    how is that possible?

    maybe because we have always allowed each other to be ourselves. over the years you change and we rolled with those changes. why not?

    we never lied to each other or tried to “get” anything from anyone. we’ve been supportive of whatever we’re in to.

    maybe it had something to do with the fact that we liked who we met 27 years ago and that never changed.

    chris was quietly wild. rob was quietly the voice of reason. who knows what my role was, but i was accepted immediately and i loved them for that.

    yesterday was rob’s wife carrie’s birthday. rob and carrie were high school sweethearts. during college they broke up, but after college they got back together and theyve been together ever since. it’s very sweet.

    they have a lovely little boy named ben who was at the party last night at carrie’s mom’s house. the place was all decked out in an Indian theme because why not.


    carrie had a beautiful indian dress and her hands done and jewels on her forehead


    rob was the bartender and dj. it was a perfect party now that i think of it.

    the pool

    there were lights everywhere and beautiful colors. benjamin and his buddy chilled on this pillow next to the pool and once the food was eaten and the belly dancer danced they got in their swim trunks and swam.

    belly dancer

    i never thought about having an Indian themed party before. some of the men dressed the part and pretty much all of the ladies did. the belly dancer was a great touch. as were the fireworks and the food.


    i know i had a good time because i left my wallet by the pool. of course i didnt notice until i got home but i summoned an uber and had it pick it up at the house and drive it from claremont to hollywood.

    fortunately i had a free ride (valued at $20) on my account. the trip cost $55 minus $20. $35 total. i tipped the guy $10 and an hour later i ubered the drunks home to pay it all off.

    full night to say the least.

    happy birthday Carrie!

  7. Friday, July 31, 2015

    today is Prince and Michael’s birthdays, they’re one 

    kittensthere were all these stray cats in our courtyard for a good year due to the cat lady next door who was evicted for having all of these cats in her home and hallway.

    instead of taking them with her she just bailed and came back now and then to feed them.

    the cats eventually wandered to our tropical courtyard and me and the neighbors feed them because they were cute and they pooped across the street in the unused grass of the big church.

    i liked two cats the most, a black and white one that i named Blanket and a brown and white one i named Boldy but changed it to Wrigley. Wrigley would follow me from my car to my door and i would occasionally let him in but i respected his freedom and when he wanted to leave, i let him leave. same with Blanket.

    one day Blanket seemed scratched up like he’d been in a fight. the next day he didnt come around. but the day after that he came back and he seemed even more scratched up. a week later in the middle of the night we neighbors heard such a blood curdling cry that we assumed a bald eagle had swooped down and torn one of the cats asunder.

    the next day we agreed to stop feeding them because we were putting them in danger.

    a few months later i stopped seeing Blanket. i figured he died.

    until two little kittens appeared on my doorstep looking a lot like him.

    i named them Prince and Michael.

    i’d never held kittens. and these two were adorable and so sweet. i asked my neighbor what i should do and she said no way can we let them stay outside because what if that bald eagle comes back. i was all yeah. so i got some kitty litter and a box and plopped them on it and boom they peed. it was a modern miracle.

    i got them some food and they ate it and feel asleep on my lap.

    that was a year ago. they’ve never run out of the house. they seem very content inside running around, killing spiders and any creepy crawlers. they even killed a rodent once and that was when i loved them the most.

    they are super co-dependent on each other and a joy to have around.

    i dont even mind the cat hair that ends up on my clothes.

    it’s their way of saying, thanks for all the fish.

  8. Wednesday, July 29, 2015

    heres the problem with the Khaleesi, i mean tom brady 


    11 out of 12 of his balls were deflated.

    one out of one of his cell phones was destroyed after the NFL started asking about it.

    he’s a fucking cheater and a liar and destroyer of technology.

    he shouldnt have even been allowed to play in the Super Bowl, but the NFL is just as fucked up.

    would any man – especially a married man with a track record of dumping his pregnant girlfriend to get with a super model – want anyone rifling through his 10,000(!) text messages? no.

    and thats where he should have just accepted the 2-game suspension that the league was offering if he just owned up to it.

    instead he fought it. and lost. of course he lost. he had deflated his balls! youre going to lose when you cheat, text the ball boy, lie, have a history of lying and cheating, and then destroy your cellphone.

    so the problem is now Tom Brady is going to facebook(!) to whine about how the league has wronged him and how neither he did anything wrong nor did anyone on his team do anything wrong.

    negro, 11 out of 12 balls were deflated!

    did that happen from magic?!?

    like how you have never aged or gotten injured or lost a step in your long career in the NFL?

    the only magic that exists is the fact that you even got to play in the Super Bowl after being caught cheating in the playoffs.

    i know of no other place that would see someone cheating and let them continue their season without punishment and then wait months and months and months to come to a conclusion about something that was proven minutes after the playoff game.

    THAT would have been the time to seize said Samsung phone.

    THAT would have been the time to question the stuttering equipment dude.

    THAT would have been the time to question the Golden Boy for 14 hours.

    instead the league dragged their feet in hopes that their worst nightmares wouldnt be true: the face of their beloved and hugely profitable league wasn’t a dirty fucking cheater and liar and breaker of korean wireless communication.

    the problem with Tom Brady is he has literally had his dick sucked so often that he thinks he can get away with whatever he wants to get away with.

    sorry bro, the suck stops here.

  9. Tuesday, July 28, 2015

    got out of my ride and felt stiff 

    randomly searchedis this what getting old is like?

    i drive so much, thats probably the problem. i feel great though. my hands my fingers, my legs. when you have rides all the aches go away.

    but still, i cant go on like this.

    theres a gym across the street from my work im thinking about joining. all i do at lunch is spend money. what a waste.

    may as well run one day. lift the next day. do yoga the third day and get all of this back together.

    i used to be an all star athlete.


    when i walk down the street i dont feel like an old man. i park in a place thats actually a medical facility.

    seeing the old people struggle to get in and out of their cars with the help of their filipino assistances is scary as hell.

    these people didnt look like this when they were my age.

    i dont know if i will live to 90 but if i do i dont want to be the people i see every morning.

    i want to ride my hoverboard to the spot, ollie over a station wagon, jump off of it, and have it flip into my fanny pack.

    like Al Gore intended.

    these are my goals.


  10. Monday, July 27, 2015

    took an Australian girl to the airport 


    eighteen, nineteen, who knows. she was impressed by everything i did and said.

    and the whole night was like that it seemed.

    i only like to do one or two long rides on weekend nights for a few reasons.

    mostly my hands and arms but as soon as i dropped her off i got another ping.

    then im driving across town to koreatown heading home and i get another

    this one was a traveling salesman from milwaukee. we hit it off too.

    micktalk talk talk.

    to the airport marriot. fine.

    then as im fixin to get on the 105 i get pinged again! what madness is this?

    monday night?!?!

    headed to inglewood. close to the forum. dark street.

    its a black girl and her aunt and her mom. big suitcases.

    big suitcases make me think they meant to get an Uber XL and not an Uber Plus.

    XLs are mini vans. perfect for luggage.

    well we put one of the suitcases in the passenger seat and the women squeeze in the back.

    as soon as we are in i say

    ok the most important question of the day: what sorta music would you like to hear?

    they laugh and say what i have on is fine.

    i hit go on the app and it says we’re going to LAX, no duh.

    so i say, ok are we going somewhere fun?

    almost in unison they say JAMACIA!

    so i say oh well lets hear some reggae mon!

    and we listen to reggae and talk about weed and sitting by a pool

    and soul food and jerk chicken

    and tacos

    when it was over they tipped me $5 and i turned off the app

    took the 105 to the 110 to the 101

    and sang bob marley all the way to hollywood.