nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, August 29, 2014

    people ask me my secrets all the time 

    kurt courtney and frances beanwhy would i tell them those?

    was kurts heroin and devil worship? no.

    was miles’ white girls and jump rope? maybe.

    was einsteins checkers and freestyle rap battles? shhhh.

    i will tell you all my secrets but theyre hidden in layers of better things.

    the secret is be yourself.

    the secret is when you’re a pitcher and for years thats what youve been studying

    and when youre warmed up and you forget about everything and just look at the catchers mitt

    and let it fly

    all those years of coaching and practice and screwing around as a kid and studying and working

    are condensed in one simple action.

    when your heart is in it and thats really

    your pitch

    the ball will do the most amazing thing:

    it will become unhittable.

    no one can rip off the way kurdts voice is. its been twenty years. it’s his.

    no one can top that thing.

    no one can be more you than you at your most zen.

    which is why the talkity talkity will never result in any true

    rockety rockity

  2. Thursday, August 28, 2014

    prince likes to join me as i read the paper each morning on the throne 


    he and his sister like to hear the newspaper rustling. they love sounds.

    last night i took them outside to the car to get pet by the girls and one of them got ancy on the way in and jumped outta my arms

    and ran under a car

    the other one i tossed into the courtyard in hopes it would run into the house – and it did.

    meanwhile i ran after the escapee.

    i saw him there huddling under the car, scared, free but freaked.

    i said look ive gotta go drink with the ladies so youve got two options, you can stay out here

    in the night

    surrounded by big cats and wild animals and hollywood.

    or you can come back to me where you get fed and loved and watered and you get to run through my weird apartment.

    he jumped into my arms and never looked back.

    this morning we read the paper and he said, sorry man, i have no idea what overcame me.

  3. Omg Leah and Lindsay are in town 


    Hello Texas!

    the ladies from Austin have made their way to LA to take photos of gay weddings and take in the sites.

    last night we dined at Perch in DTLA and sipped on waters and beers at the Chateau Marmont’s bar.

    it’s incredible to think ive known Leah since she was but a teen, but life is like that.

    it’s also nice to know i was there when Lindsay and Leah first met.

    and it’s nice to know that they can have a good time hanging out with amber and i as we babble about our little city as we drive through the night.

    if you see these two in the streets say hey and buy them things.

    it’s neighborly!

  4. Tuesday, August 26, 2014

    things i never thought would be possible 

    elvis costello in san francisco

    if you had asked me when i was 18 these things i would have said no freaking way

    1. i would meet elvis costello and get my picture taken with him (he hates photos of himself and usually bans photogs from his concerts)

    2. that i would have attended two Oscars in a row, one as a spectator, one as a paid employee

    3. that id be dating a hot blonde nearly half my age who asks me things by first whispering busblog… in my ear.

    4. that id trade in a 2011 smokin hot black Camaro for Ford’s version of the Prius in a decision that has nothing to do with having kids.

    5. that the Cubs would be ending the 2014 season with one of the best, young teams in major league baseball history

    6. that in 2014 no one wants to be on the Lakers

    very few things in life are predictable,

    which is why we do our best to fight through the rough patches, because theres usually light at the end of the tunnel

  5. Monday, August 25, 2014
  6. ubers theory was if they lowered the prices far down enough 

    heading to fyfest

    then everyone and their mama would start taking uber everywhere

    and in exchange for cheaper rides, the drivers would have more rides.

    the drivers didnt trust this and were angry and bitter because they thought the volume was plenty and the prices were about half that of a cab, so why change anything?

    something happened saturday and i was busy like allllll day and night.

    i mostly stayed on the westside and even made my way to nobu in malibu

    and the pacific palisades three times, which is odd because im hardly ever there.

    once was to take this sweet british family from moonshadows to an italian joint on sunset

    the second time was to take a pair of latino au peres (argentinian and columbian) back home from Urban Outfitters at Santa Monica Place

    one of them was 17 and had just bought her first record player

    i asked her what record(s) did she get and she said Katy Perrys Prism

    but “im an old soul so i will be getting some Frank Sinatra soon.”

    i told her to check out the Record Surplus store in West LA.

    we drove up to the very top of one of the windy roads where the houses just get bigger

    must be celebs or something, who knows.

    third time was round midnight. i was tired and was considering going home.

    10622122_10152631084668057_463925923_ni was on sunset in the palisades and had just thrown out a bunch of plastic bottles at a gas station when i got beeped like two blocks away.

    pretty caterer girl got in and said Redondo Beach

    what a way to end the night i thought, a loooong ride way down to the beach.

    we drove down the hill to PCH, took that to the 10, then south on the 405 and off at Inglewood

    listening to the beast boys’ solid gold hits all the way because she liked that i was playing paul revere when she got in.

    the day was filled with mostly super sweet people including a semi drunk couple and their friends who had spent all day together and the dude had had enough.

    as we dropped off the friends the friends kept inviting them to polish off a bottle of wine or watch netflix but the pair claimed exhaustion and said bye felicia.

    our conversations were immediately dirty, frank, and funny. weird how things can escalate quickly like that.

    after we dropped off everyone they invited me in to their backyard to drink whiskey and sing songs.

    “our neighbors will hate us,” the young lady said, “they have babies.”

    “babies ruin everything,” i said.

    “we were just saying that!” bro agreed.

    when we got to their really nice little house they asked me again and i said whiskey and ubering dont really mix.

    but it was nice to have that little insta bond.

    two yuppies on separate rides were pissed the whole time and there was nothing i could do.

    and then there was the hot russian woman who had just finished a bad blind date.

    “at least i had a free meal and now have some leftvoers for my daughter,” she said.

    although she may have said “for my dogs”. her accent was thick.

    but the most interesting ride was one with a beautiful Gaucho who worked at the Daily Nexus covering sports and is now in school to be a nurse or a doctors assistant or a surgeon, who knows, we mostly talked sports and how much we miss del playa.

    my arms felt good the whole day. one woman smelled like blueberry perfume.

    and one guy snorted cocaine as his friends berated him and apologized to me.

    probably shoulda made a citizens arrest but like i said, it was busy.

  7. Sunday, August 24, 2014
  8. Saturday, August 23, 2014

    hate is a strong word 


    especially while wearing a Sweetness jersey.

    im very excited for the beginning of the NFL season but i dont hate anyone.

    i hate MLB for keeping Pete Rose out of the baseball Hall of Fame

    i hate that Obama thinks its ok to spy on Americans and lie about it.

    i hate that Uber doesn’t seem to care about its drivers.

    i hate that time flies so quickly and i havent done half the things i wanna do yet.

    i hate how cute my kittens are because it makes it hard to give them away.

    other than that i pretty much love everything.

    like you.

  9. who you trying to get crazy with, esse? dont you know im loco? 


    the best part about uber is the money. it just rolls in.
    the second best part are the women. sometimes they just grab the back of your head
    whip it around and make you make out with them.
    and since the customers always right,
    and since it’s important to have as close to a 5 star rating as possible

    but the third best is you get to meet people who are new to LA
    like these three youngsters from india going to grad school at USC.

    whattya studying over there? i asked em.
    engineering! they said.

    so i was all, ok heres what i need. i need an iphone app that tells me when people are lying to me.
    i also need an app that tells me if the girl im talking to loves me
    or just lusts me.
    the boys laughed and said.
    humans can determine if someone is lying, but machines cant.

    i said, fine, then what i need is a jet pack that runs on apple sauce.

    for some reason they said that was impossible too.

    and i said, gents when i was your age

    we didnt even have the innernet.

    i’ll be ready with my applesauce soon.


    then got this guy at ucla who has been in the country a month
    so he could be in a full immersion of english. which i could use one day too.

    he complained that our portions were giant and restaurants dont take care in preparing cooked vegetables.

    therefore the only place he enjoyed eating at was Subway because he could get a six inch sub with
    Switzerland Cheese.

    he was impressed with the varieties of cheeses we have at Subway. over by his house theres only one kind and they give you three tiny little triangles of it.

    he told me that everyone in Thailand carrys umbrellas: men women children.

    because in the summer the sun is super sweltering hot and when its not sunny its raining like a bitch. actually he said raining very hard. i said yeah raining like a b.

    i wanted to complete his immersion.

    he also said our version of chinese food was either way too sweet or way to salty.

    i played motorhead for him and said next time he comes back to LA he needs to meet lemmy


    these kids talked about invisiline, retainers, and korean food.
    they were headed to Pot
    i was all oh over at the Line
    they were a little surprised i had not only heard of it but been there.
    i was all, come on Roy Choi is my Boy!
    (not true)
    they were like then what did you get there.
    i said i got a Dang, Son!
    then we took a picture



    amber was all have you heard the new cypress hill greatest hits

    i was like say what

    she was all totally: all the hits

    she asked me how my day was going.

    no xbi agent ever wants to answer that question because

    the morning is never good.

    and thats part of the day.

    which is why i like to say

    bring on the night



    super hot girl in a dodger cap and her boyfriend flagged me down east of west adams in a part of town that wasnt surging

    when everywhere was surging.

    but i picked them up because i had just had a long fun ride so why not.

    they told me they had just received an uber ride from a lady in a new mercedes in santa monica and

    half way to dodger stadium the woman huffed and said, i need to get to a dinner, imma let you off here.

    he sat up front with me and she sat in the back where i could keep an eye on her.


    his work had gotten him tickets in a suite and a parking pass

    so i just waved the pass at the parking dude and instead of dropping them off at the bottom of chavez ravine

    we drove right up to the door and i drove out



    and thats just some of the things that happened

    on this very very very

    fun and trippy night.

  10. Friday, August 22, 2014

    the year was 1994, the northridge quake rattled in january 

    greg vaine, jeff tsar and i shared a three bedroom house in atwater village

    because the boys were aspiring rock stars and they had wanted a home

    that also had a basement or a rock room, and voila greg found 3300 glenhurst.

    jeff worked at warner bros in the animation cel division, greg was in art school

    and i was the southern california sales rep for magnavox with a company car.

    but at night we were the Three Bad Roommates watching old westerns and listening to nirvana non stop because kurt cobain had just ended his life and we were more than obsessed with trying to find clues in his music that such a talented and loved man would want to do that to himself.

    but with every aftershock from Northridge we got more and more ancy so we went into the rock room basement beneath our kitchen and i would create eerie rhythms on my drums.

    daring the earth to crush us.

    earth QUAKE earth QUAKE boom boom boom, id drum

    then jeff would mimic it on bass and greg would make a melody.

    and then we’d jam defying mother nature and the angry spirits bubbling below.

    after a while we’d freak ourselves out and segue into cover songs from our favorite bands: nirvana, the velvet underground, the stones, springsteen, even the romantics.

    while jeff and greg worked on their serious projects, we kept jamming for fun and eventually we formed a covers band called Chopper One which allowed us to bond as roommates and set up a fun playground for the two actual musicians to get their ya-yas out without worrying about every note and lyric.

    when we realized we had enough songs to put on a show, we invited our friends and neighbors over, jeff threw on a david hasslehoff tapestry as a cape, greg slipped into his Elvis Presley outfit, and i put on my grandpa’s pajamas as a tribute to cobain who often wore pjs on stage

    and Chopper One rocked out in our first show.

    hard to believe that was 20 years ago, but time flies when you’re giving the biggest earthquake in a century the middle finger.