nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, August 7, 2014
  2. ubering is like fishing except you dont come home stinky 


    hadnt ubered since friday night and i missed it. picked up a lady from a fancy house that i swore id picked someone up at before, but it wasnt this lady.

    at first i thought, maybe the man of the house is cheating on his wife and the first one i picked up was his mistress and this was the wife?

    this woman was demanding but in a fun way. “you’ll have to turn that off,” she said mentioning the katy perry music i had put on before i arrived. “i have a book on tape i’d like to hear if you can be quiet.”

    typically i might be offended by that sort of request but for some reason when im ubering i’m 1,000% the customer is always right. so not only did i turn off the teen dream but i handed the woman my aux jack cord so she could hear the book through the car speakers.

    “god i love uber,” she said. then rattled off all the reasons she is a fan.

    the only thing she wasnt crazy about was the surge prices which i said, well if you can just wait a few minutes when theyre happening they usually go away.

    in no time we were at her destination and she never ended up playing her book.


    got beeped to go to a nice hotel in weho, picked up a gentleman and the first thing i asked was what sort of music should we listen to? he saw katy perry’s name on the screen and said, “got anything else?”

    i flipped through the Sirius stereo dial and said, how about some classic rock? Fairport Convention popped up and i didn’t think he would be interested and instead he was all, sure!

    i said, wow, most people don’t appreciate Richard Thompson.

    we start talking and of course the passenger is a famous canadian music radio host so the conversation moves over to Matthew Good, naturally. and i miss the turn to his stop, so i turn off the meter, sorry metre, drive around the block and ask to take his picture.

    reluctantly he gives me the thumbs up and i think to myself, it’s not gonna get any better than that tonight.

    and yep, it didnt.

  3. Wednesday, August 6, 2014

    the xbi was so unhappy they did the unthinkable: they ESPed me 

    marie antoinetteYou know you cant have a girlfriend.

    shut up, i dont have a girlfriend!

    Then why did you send her flowers?

    i aint sent nobody no damn flowers!

    You’re not trying to spy on her then?

    if i wanted to spy on her i’d have bugged some of the books i gave her.

    You gave her BOOKS? Ah ha! So she IS your girlfriend!

    read my lips, er thoughts, she is a lovely young woman, with a perfect heart, and if i were to have a girlfriend, id be extremely lucky to have someone like her around me every day. but even though i’m no longer in the xbi, i agree that i should not get too close to any one person. so shut up. ugh!

    Ah ha! You looked in her heart! To see if she would be compatible!

    whoever you are im going to kill you. im going to find you and im going to burn whatevers left of you after i kill you and im going to take the ashes and stuff it in a teddy bear and give it to your momma.

    But you kissed her!

    and after i give it to your momma imma eat some funyuns and kiss your momma on the lips.

    This is why you don’t exist, agent.

    correction: former agent, and i dont exist because

    Because why?

    oh you cant read that part of my mind? perfect. now good day sir.

    What part of your mind?


  4. today is andy warhols birthday. he changed the world. 


    Andy Warhol:I wonder if people are going to remember us?

    Edie Sedgwick:What, when we’re dead?

    Andy Warhol:Yeah.

    Edie Sedgwick:Well I think people will talk about how you changed the world.

    Andy Warhol:I wonder what they’ll say about you…in your obituary. I like that word.

    Edie Sedgwick:Nothing nice, I don’t think.

    Andy Warhol:No no, come on. They’d say, “Edith Minturn Sedgwick, beautiful artist and actress…

    Edie Sedgwick:…and all around loon.

    Andy Warhol:…Remembered for setting the world on fire…

    Edie Sedgwick:…and escaping the clutches of her terrifying family…

    Andy Warhol:…Made friends with eeeeeverybody and anybody…

    Edie Sedgwick:…creating chaos and uproar wherever she went. Divorced as many times as she married, she leaves only good wishes behind.” [laughs] That’s nice, isn’t it?


  5. Tuesday, August 5, 2014

    what do i do when people are mean to me: nothing 

    Bob Dylan with Get Born sign

    what does the boulder do? what does the mountain do? what does the sea do?

    they keep on giving the invisible finger to the haters, the polluters, the fakers, the liars.

    its the ones without courage that im the most concerned with tonight as i fly chopper one for the first time in years.

    did i steal it? you cant steal whats invisible. you cant steal whats been stolen.

    you cant steal a mans best friend.

    what does the chopper do when its soul mate is back in the saddle? it hums.

    only eddie van halen can play that one guitar with the stripes.

    only babe ruth can swing that 39 ounce mammoth bat.

    theres only one busblog only one chopper one only one person meant to fly those things

    and it sure aint Fear.

    mr t pitied the fools.

    me, i never liked being called t

    so he can pity those fools too.

  6. the ghost of charles bukowski whispers from the palm trees 


    he says why be lesser than

    why do it the cheater way

    why not get in here on the other side and be honest for the first time

    why not work a little at it: sharpen yr hatchet.

    charles bukowskis ghost aint got time for your fiddle faddle.

    hes got a new old racetrack to haunt.

    the kittens have so much fun with the plastic orange bag that the newspaper comes wrapped in.

    theyre so light and they slide on the hard wood.

    they chase things that arent even there.

    the one will be sitting doing nothing and move its tail in the slightest

    and the other one will spring over to it and take a good swipe.

    everything must be touched or sniffed or batted at or climbed on or rubbed against.

    they both talk to me and get jealous im writing you.

    one seriously just walked on my leg, made its way up and is now wresting on my arm

    purring, reading this little post

    about a ghost

    the other is scratching us both

    and trying to get that tail.

  7. why i love taylor swift 

    how does taylor swift write this song at 20 years old

    on her third record.

    after she has already written all the good songs youre supposed to write

    but then she goes and writes this one.


    tell me that tom waits’ is that much better


  8. Monday, August 4, 2014

    thirteen years? who woulda thunk it? 

    jayz and tiger woodsyes it’s a pain in the butt sometimes to write on here.

    yes it’s a bit sad that my posts no longer get 40 comments on EVERY post.

    sure it’s a relief that women dont fly across the country to meet me and show me how excited they are to touch me after they find out im not a hologram.

    and yes ive thought about killing this blog, quitting blogging, stopping the presses, from time to time.

    but when it comes down to it, this is a train that has a mind of its own. im just the guy pulling the tooot tooot chain whenever i see a kid walking his billy goat asking me to blare the horn.

    some things in life you plant the seeds and water and then they grow quickly and magically up to the Giant and you really shouldnt take too much credit for it.

    and for sure you shouldnt chop it down. no matter how annoying it can be sometimes. no matter who’s reading – or not reading it.

    is it hard that my mom reads every word? a little, but i love my mom.

    is it difficult that prospective employers, current employers or Haterz read it?

    heres my answer for that.

    they say in order to write well you need to read a lot. some of that is because you should try to learn how certain authors got you from point A to point D.

    but also you should read a lot because it can teach you life lessons.

    one of my favorite books is Mark Twain’s Life On The Mississippi. Twain has influenced me in many ways but most importantly he taught me that it’s ok to just make a whole bunch of stuff up.

    but one thing he didnt make up was his knowledge of being a riverboat captain. and one of the things he talks about in Life on the Mississippi is how hard it can be for captains to steer the boats away from reefs and fallen logs and shallows and sunken boats.

    knowing that people who are looking for reasons to hate you is just like knowing theres evil under that dark rippley water over there.

    knowing that people who love you are reading is like knowing that theres river is bloated from the recent rainfall and you can steer closer to the edge.

    and knowing that co-workers, future employers, and your own HR department are reading is the right amount of boundaries that every writer needs.

    we all need motivation, inspiration, and sidelines.

    the goal, my goal, is to throw the ball so perfectly that the widereceiver can catch it with enough room that only his tippy-toes are in bounds.

    everyone likes those passes the best. but they wouldnt exist without boundaries.

    i am forever grateful to Ev Williams and his team at Blogger for bringing this platform to the masses.

    my world, my paycheck, my sex life, my weird weird weird career path is all due to signing up with Blogger.com 13 years ago and taking what i learned at college and applying it into a simple dialogue box.

    i never thought this would last this long. and i dont expect it to last another 13 years. but if the busblog has taught me one thing it’s there are a lot of things i dont know squat about, so keep typing.

    happy birthday busblog, you’re my favorite of all.

  9. sometimes i dont know whats going on 


    sometimes the tastiest lunch will be at a place youve passed a million times

    but went to the left or the right instead.

    then on a lazy sunday you go and youre all mama mia.

    making me think sometimes i dont know anything.

    i walk around drive around fly around thinking i know something

    sometimes quite sure i know something

    but i dont know squat.


    one thing i do know is i enjoy IPA beer

    even though i dont know what makes an IPA an IPA.

    for all i know it could mean Idiot Person’s Alcohol.

    but i drink it and it tastes good to my tongue and soothes my belly.

    id never been to Angel City Brewery before. ali said lets go. i said why not.

    weirdly i knew where it was only because of all of the ppl id picked up there

    while ubering on friday and saturday nights.

    and man it was way better than i expected.

    way better.


    how are the kittens? crazy. and i think they have fleas.

    sad thing is no one wants to de-flea them because theyre too young.

    so somehow i have to do it. but i dont know how to do it.

    do i know how to do anything?

    i can busblog, thats probably my only skill. and i dont even do that much any more.

    why? because i love my jobs and i’d rather get better at those things.

    why? because theyre challenging and this is a walk in the park.

    how hard is it to type type type your feelings?

    must be sorta hard because only a handful of ppl even do it any more.

    anyways fun weekend, lets see what the week has to offer.