nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, December 29, 2016

    my favorite thing to do in life: nothing 

    once, right after college, i was fired from Sears. but my boss was cool about it, he said, oh crap you go on vacation in a few days, how about we do this when you get back?

    i was all, fuck that. im your best salesman and you wanna boot me? aloha! and i went to maui with my then-girlfriend.

    as soon as we got there i took off my clothes jumped in bed and laid there.

    she said ok first i was thinking we get some blue hawaiians, then theres a dance contest, then we can snorkel for tropical fish, then

    i said, baby, im gonna lay here and look at that ocean, and look at that tv, and look at that ocean some more and if you walk past im gonna look at your sweet ass.

    she said, and thats it?

    i said, and thats it.

    we had a little fight and before you know it i was ordering blue hawaiians beachside.

    but i would have been just as happy laying in that oceanfront room.

    my mind is racing at crazy speeds most of the time. overclocked. nitroinjected. superpowered.

    when i can really just lay down it totally shuts off. i sleep like a rock. even the northridge quake didnt wake me, only my roommates did.

    so this week my real job gave us the week off. i could have flown somewhere warm(er), i could have gone to europe. i could have ubered every day this week and paid off some bills.

    but i dragged my feet doing one little task after another.

    went to the Benz dealer to get hoodwinked by their annual checkup/shakedown

    cleaned my room

    got the annual inspection so i can drive for Lyft for another year.

    did the dishes.

    today i will drive uber/lyft a little and i will focus on Lyft because i have noticed there that people love to tip me. maybe its because im awesome, maybe its because people are just nice deep down.

    but what id rather be doing is laying down, playing this hockey video game i cant stop playing, and constantly asking myself

    “what day is it, do i have to move my car?”

  2. Wednesday, December 28, 2016
  3. my computer has been broken for the last 2.5 days 


    i watched a lot of tv,

    gave the car dealership way too much money

    did my dishes

    cooked an amazing fish dinner

    saw half of the Magnificent Seven

    binged watched almost all of Catastrophe.

    joined a gang,

    got kicked out of a gang.

    watched two old episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm

    ate four Jack in the Box tacos (possible reason i was kicked out of said gang)

    ordered things from ebay on my omg phone.

    did a good deed for someone last night.

    and then went to the 99 cents store and got cereal and milk.

    and limes.

    i needed some rinds.

  4. Sunday, December 25, 2016

    joy to the world, all the boys and girls 

    today a child was born.

    a child who scared leadership so much that the king ordered to have him killed.

    his dad couldnt get a hotel room.

    a gigantic star was blowing up his spot.

    it was cold as balls.

    and the artists kept painting him with blue eyes.

    the donkeys knew what was up.

    as did the mule and the lambs.

    and the goats.

    and the drummer boys.

    the killers were coming, but so were the wise men.

    and all around him were angels, chillin,

    doing what they could,

    which was little.

    it’s ok. he had this.

    you have this.

    today is the day God became human, striking fear into all the things that should be fearful,

    and hope into the hearts of the hopeful.

    today inspired a long list of beautiful songs, weird customs, and totally unrelated activities.

    but at its heart is love.

    the best of all.

    merry christmas from the world famous busblog

    and the super secret xbi

    champions of the world.

  5. Friday, December 23, 2016
  6. Thursday, December 22, 2016

    today Trump whined that the US doesn’t have enough nukes 

    The weird thing about humans, and this goes all the way back to the Biblical times, is some of us want a Strong Daddy figure as King. The Bible has an entire book about it. It’s called Kings. God was all, why do you want a fucking king? I’m the King of all Kings. But the Jews were like, “but everyone else has a king.” So God went, “fine, you want a stupid king, oh you’ll get some kings.” And some of the kings were completely awful and some were pretty good.

    Eventually Jesus came around: their actual king. Except he didn’t act like one. He lived extremely modestly, he preached in the temples and on the hilltops. He hung out with the sick and healed them. He felt best when he was around what is now known as “low energy” people. He preached about having faith and helping the poor. He rejected money as being something that was ridiculous and the opposite of Heavenly.

    Then 2,000+ years later, people who swore they were Christians, voted for a king who had the opposite values of Jesus, who never talked about the bible, who never talked about helping the poor, who never espoused the power of love and friendship and hope.

    Because these so-called Christians secretly didn’t want some other worldly hippie peace-nic. They wanted a Strong Daddy. Even though their previous leader actually was strong. Even though nothing bad happened to them when a truly intelligent Christian was in charge. Even though they knew this Strong Daddy was probably full of shit.

    They didn’t care. And it will be interesting to see when they will care.

  7. Wednesday, December 21, 2016

    pretty girl was all, whats with all the pretty girls on your insta 

    i was like, i have a lot of pretty girls on there?

    she was all, yeah, showing off their bellies and theyre young.

    i said, you mean on my blog?

    she said no, on your instagram, someone else mentioned it too.

    i was like, i honestly have no idea what youre talking about. but after i pee we can delve into this deeper. and i peed and came back and we scrolled through

    and there was this young lady or that, but not a lot, hardly any actually. which i dont know disappointed her or impressed her that i was not a perv.

    i guess im not a perv i joked.

    she laughed. for me, for writing. for living. for learning, women are inspirational. educational. always changing never boring. and like in this instance, always there to question your motives.

    i have no motives. my only motive is to stay productive and creative and some people get their spark from coffee or sadness or morning becomes eclectic or the economist. for me, on my blog, where there are girls showing their bellies, i have a very simple process that i have been using since day one of the busblog:

    i click around on my Feedly or on Reddit or on Twitter and i look for a picture. sometimes i write about the picture, sometimes it’s just the shapes, sometimes it’s how the snake looks, sometimes its how the chin is rendered or the hair and if its interesting it goes in

    and then i can go and tell the little story, which hopefully is better than the picture,

    but if its not

    at least youve got the picture to think about.

    but do i think about what other people think about the world famous blahblog?

    never ever.

    and never will.

  8. Tuesday, December 20, 2016

    do i love life? yes. 

    has it sunk in that the Cubs are the champions of the World? no.

    do i love my job? yes

    do i love my side hustle? yes.

    do i love my president? yes.

    do i love the lying fuck replacing him? no.

    do i hope he gets removed? no. because his closeted 2nd in command is even worse because he’s secret about his evil.

    have i seen a lot of great movies this year? no.

    have i kissed a lot of great girls this year? not a lot.

    have i had some good times this year? yeah duh. come on man.

    do i have a five year plan? yes. i plan to be alive in 5 years.

    is there a blogger im in love with? yes.

    do i still love my ex gfs? yes.

    is there enough room in my heart for all of that love? omg so much room.

    do i get enough sleep? no.

    is my apartment clean? no.

    are my cats happy? yes.

    will the cubs repeat? yes.

    will they threepeat? yes.

    who do i have losing Sunday for the Losers Pool? Arizona

    do i believe this story about the Maryland girl and the drug sniffing dogs? i believe everything.

    do i believe Trump will release his tax returns? yes.

    do i think anyone will care? yes.

    do i think anyone in power will care? no.

    do i think he will be a good president? i think he will be the worst.

    do i think he will grab anyone in the pussy when he’s in office? well now that he knows that thats where some ppl put their weed, probs.

    do i think Anything good will come from Trump being president? i think news organizations, newspapers, cable news programs, and magazines will make a yuge comeback because he will do so many outrageous, illegal, immoral, and unbelieveably bad things that we will need several scorecards to keep track of them all. and then he will be booted and Pence will do just as many evil tidings but it will take actual journalism to out them and they will be outted and people will care because Pence does not hold any spell over the American populace because even Joe Sixpack knows Mike Pence is full of shit and does not represent him. and then the newspapers will clean up in aisle gay. and then Cory Booker will rise and poof, before you know it we will have another black president and girls wont have to hide plants in their hoo haws any more and people will be able to pee in whichever bathrooms they want and the ozone will come back and gas prices will lower and we will all have electric cars anyways so there you have it amen.



  9. Monday, December 19, 2016

    looks like trump is gonna be our president 

    which means its curtains for all of us.

    last night i finished reading the Bible for the fourth time.

    revelations went faster than i expected.

    it’s a spectacular way to end a book thats for sure.

    but it doesnt really instill a lot of hope to the gentle reader.

    this weekend i saw two movies: Star Wars and Passengers.

    Star Wars was the best movie i have seen so far this year. Passengers was full of holes.

    like America is gonna be after four years of this imbecile and his GOP yes men who literally have no compassion for the world, the environment, womens rights, gay rights, minority rights, immigration, the poor, or any of the things Jesus told us to shepard over.

    on top of that we are all going to die in a terrible way.

    it’ll be worse than when baseball allowed the designated hitter

    or when AIDS was ignored by Reagan

    or when Bush read My Pet Goat after hearing about the Twin Towers

    im very sad and i dont even know if all the ginger ale and italian food in china could cheer me up.

    Star Wars did cheer me up though because it kept it real. it didnt pander.

    i will never pander to you. even now in these last days.

    i have always loved you and this is the way we should show it to each other.

  10. Sunday, December 18, 2016

    im trying to write a comic book 

    but i dont read comic books

    i really want it to be a little book for tourists and locals.

    i want it to be a series of little books

    $6.66 each


    but i want them to tell the dark history of LA and Hollywood and California and rock music and film

    and murduhhhhhhhhhh

    and attempted murder

    and i want them sold where the drama took place

    so lets say i write a little book about the murder of Biggie Smalls, i want the little books to be sold at the Peterson Auto Museum, who will never sell them, so how about at the 99 cents store kitty corner to where he breathed his last breath.

    i want them illustrated by my favorite illustrator of all time. someone who enjoys putting a smile on misery and tragedy and gunk.

    so that part is all easy. the hard part is writing it. but fortunately these will be Mostly True which means i get to fluff it up a bit and add some color to it which hopefully people will like but you know people, they like to complain, so let them complain, all it will do is make them bring more facts to the conversation, which is great, because thats what i want them to do. i want them to talk about history and what really caused someone to wanna kill someone in this beautiful city

    because i cant imagine that.

    even in the middle of the night, when a mouse was in my house and i was freaked out enough by that, and i was washing my dishes trying to make my apartment as mouse-unfriendly as possible, and i heard this knock at my door. and then a huge bang. and then the door get whaled on. i could see it trying to give. someone was trying to get into my place! NOW! BANG! BANG!

    even then, as scared as i was, if i had a gun i wouldnt have killed the guy.

    instead i just used my magical Shout power and i said NO!

    and it scared the guy and made him run away.

    which is why im fascinated by what it takes to get people to do more than that.

    because that level is foreign to me.

    and hopefully always will be.