nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, July 7, 2015

    you have eight thousand followers 

    gardener watering artificial grass

    theres a lot of artificial things in LA. so many we dont even notice any more.

    malls, boobs, butts, lips, hips, friendships, beliefs, flavors, colors

    and yes, grass.

    we have a drought here in California. worst one in years. the rain just teases us.

    it rained on my mommas head early this year during the red carpet at the Oscars

    and since then: nothing of any significance.

    so the artificial lawns replace grass all over town.

    it’s actually not that bad once you get to know it.

    and you dont have to water or mow it.



  2. Monday, July 6, 2015

    i shoulda known Time Warner Cable was gonna be bad 

    beautiful ladyeveryone warned me.

    their customer service is notoriously bad. their regular service is almost legendary in how horrible it is.

    but the price was right, i had very few options, and at the time they were the only way i could see Dodgers baseball.

    and who doesnt wanna see and hear Vin Scully every day?

    the first sign that things were immediately falling apart were my internet speeds.

    i am paying to have “up to 300 mbps” which is pretty great. but i hardly ever get that.

    i am getting way faster speeds than what i had with ATT Uverse but still, it can fluctuate from 25 to 125 in minutes for no real reason.

    but now the worst is happening. my DVR box will just turn off out of the blue. i unplug it and plug it back and it can take up to 10 minutes to reboot.

    often during the day it will shut off and not record what was scheduled.

    you have one job digital video recorder.

    i should have taken it in on Friday when i had a day off but i was lazy.

    at $111 a month to have cable, internet and a landline is pretty great price.

    unfortch the quality of what im getting is mighty bad. but still better than what i had previously.

    lets see if a new box will help the deal.


  3. Sunday, July 5, 2015

    i had such a good night last night 

    venice on the fourth of july

    the morning was a fakeout so i got back, took a nap, and just held back resting my arms and hands.

    i have this great compression sleeve that sends blood to the arms from a distant galaxy.

    i wore a dress shirt so i could cover it.

    from looking at the trips i did last fourth of july i saw that it really didnt start surging until after 8:30pm and then it skyrocketed a few hours later.

    not being out there at 5pm was hard, 6:30p even harder, but it was still sunny out there and bad traffic near the beaches, so i played NBA Jam and trusted the imagined Bill James numbers which is: why be out there driving, burning gasoline, if the odds are very low that you will make good money. sit back. wait for your moment.

    internsand sure enough at 8:30pm it got above 2x for the first time in weeks. then at 10 it was 5x. even Uber Plus was 1.2x then 1.4, even 2x. double uber plus? yes please!

    and everyone was fine with the prices. no one griped. how could they? it was either use us or use cabs which were super busy too.

    i got a 1.4 uber plus ride from manhattan beach to culver and they were super nice. it was a joy. and $58 later they told me how great i was.

    uber, do not be ashamed of allowing surges when there is actually demand. (some think the company has been manipulating the surges, preventing them from happening. but who knows.)

    once in culver i didnt want to go back to the beach cities even though it was surging there. the reason it surges there is bc no one wants to go there. typically shorter rides because those people dont leave their bubbles. and the frat boy percentages skyrocket the closer you get to hermosa.

    i made my money there and was glad to be out. even when uber x was down to 2.0 i was all, im in venice, who knows maybe i’ll get some hipster who wants to get back to dtla.

    instead i got two cute young ladies in the marina wanting to go to another party across the canals of venice.

    strange fact: i’d never been across the canals of venice, california, but id been across the canals of venice, italy twice. once when i turned 21 an once a decade later.

  4. Saturday, July 4, 2015
  5. Friday, July 3, 2015

    one of the rules of uber is dont get your hopes up 

    chicagobecause they’ll be dashed.

    today i had very few rides but they were all good

    and then my hands started hurting

    then my arms.

    then it got hot.

    then my legs got tired.

    somehow i put in 100 miles.

    somehow i picked up a cross dresser in a poor part of town and drove her all the way to beverly hills.

    then i took four college girls, all under 21 to the beach, which was jam packed.

    they had never heard of pee-wee’s big adventure.

    why am i on this planet?

    yesterday i had a really long ride with two very cool people who lived in bel air

    we talked about music the whole time because they go to shows a lot

    they were probably in the music biz

    but when im driving uber plus i dont ask any personal questions like “what do you do”

    it never came up.

    they were on their way to see television.

    traffic was bad and we had to take a long way

    so it was $84.

    i got some tacos after that to celebrate.

    im gonna get some sleep tonight so that im ready for tomorrow

    but im not going to get my hopes up

    (secretly theyre as up as they could possibly get because last year fourth of july was the busiest ive ever been)

  6. Wednesday, July 1, 2015

    i have two cats, prince and michael 

    prince is the boy and he is always up and checking things out and investigating. he loves me the most. he kneads my velour robe. he lets me put him in boxes.

    michael is a cat. she keeps her distance. she stands back when prince is eating. shes quick to jump away from something that made a sound. and she sleeps a lot.

    right now prince is looking at the ceiling fan above my bed. hes trying to figure it out even though i tell him it’s magic, just let it be.

    michael is the only one with a collar. prince had one too but he figured out how to get it off. fine.

    even though prince follows me everywhere he isn’t good at tricks. michael is. shes the trick expert. she doesnt even care about the snack because she prefers juicing.

    michael will eat anything, chase anything, climb everywhere, and be the first to put his paw under a closed door and bang on it to demand entrance. he’ll bite at me if i spend too much time trimming his toe nails. and whine the most when he’s put in time out.

    michael is quiet. she even purrs quietly. she doesnt like to be carried around on her back like a baby so i try to carry her on her back like a baby at least once a day. she snorts like she cant breathe on her back.

    pussy, prince purrs when he hears that.

  7. Misty Copeland, 32, has become the first black ballerina to lead the ABT 


    Maybe Blacks are taking over this country.


    Misty was born in Kansas City, but that wasn’t held against her.


    She’s appeared in a Diet Dr. Pepper commercial

    and went on tour as a dancer with Prince during his 20Ten tour


    “My fears are that it could be another two decades before another black woman is in the position that I hold with an elite ballet company,” Misty wrote in her autobiography last year.

    “That if I don’t rise to principal, people will feel I have failed them.”

    Well, you have not failed us. So dance my black swan.


  8. Tuesday, June 30, 2015
  9. what do i look for in a wife 


    shes gotta love pop
    shes gotta love television
    shes gotta love movies
    shes gotta think i look good with my shirt off
    shes gotta realize i love a lot of weird and stupid shit
    other than that
    shes gotta be nice nice nice nice
    or no dice

    meanwhile, i will wheel our soda home from the circle k
    cuz deep down im a gentleman

  10. i have a secret phone in my house 

    mako and linda

    hardly anyone knows the number. it’s a landline with no ringer and no answering machine.

    the xbi taught us esp through a series of extremely painful exercises that we were forced to practice all the years that i was in santa barbara.

    that phone is a baby step between esp and an actual phone because in order for it to work someone has to dial it and i have to somehow psychically know that it’s ringing with very few prompts.

    last night our sweet, long lost friend Linda, the former barefoot runaway, former navy submarine pilot, and former utah prison guard was on the other end of the phone and she said “im in hollywood next to the capitol records building, which way to your house?”

    i said follow the north star turn right and then make another right and then an immediate right and i will be the guy in the robe and the cubs hat. it should take you 10 minutes.

    and there she was. with her teenage daughter Mako who has grown up so fast she has already graduated high school and is on her next steps of studying zoology in either san diego, berkley or santa cruz.

    linda at san nic

    they had been at venice beach all day and were sun burned. they asked for aloe lotion but all i had was actual aloe but they refused it. we talked and talked and talked and mako is a delight and they both want to leave utah and move to LA and who can blame them. the only problem is you can buy a house in SLC for $120k and here that will barely buy you a Mercedes Jeep.

    i was shocked (but not surprised) at how smart and wonderful mako is and how funny linda is especially about me sharing with her daughter what a firecracker linda was in college (see photo above) and how fascinating it has been to watch her mature into the greatest police officer and firearms expert in these 50 states.

    linda is burned out though and wants to do something “peaceful and beautiful” which is sad because she would make the greatest private bodyguard for a famous actress because she fears nothing.

    but she doesnt want that. she wants to grow flowers. so i suggested oxnard. and before i could tell her more about that the clock said it was time to go. so they got back into their rental car and drove to LAX where they were staying at a nearby motel and i was so sad that my esp was rusty and i hadnt known about their earlier calls during the weekend, as i would have given them my home and taken them to sushi and a movie.

    next time they said! next time. mako is now on her way to Asia on a peace corps style good will mission for a month and then she will return. hopefully with Linda and we can do this right.

    i am so blessed to have so many top notch friends who have turned into the greatest parents and people.

    how did i get so lucky?