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nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, November 19, 2015

    the best things i bought off amazon this year 

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    1. Roku 3500XB Streaming Stick (HDMI) (Certified Refurbished)
    $34.30

    i’m a single man who lives alone. i have a simple 1 BD apartment and three tvs. i never knew how much i needed a roku until i got one. then i was all omg.

    my set up includes my regular tv in the boudoir but lovely nicole sold me her tv at a very low price so i put that on my dresser next to my regular tv. that way if i was playing video games on the regular tv, i could watch the game on the other tv. through the roku, because roku supports MLBtv.

    i loved it so much i jumped on this little stick deal for the tv in the living room. time warner wanted to charge me $8 a month for a second cable box. im so glad i said no to that, because this stick does everything a box would do plus all these other channels. and when you hit the road you can take it with you.

    amazon speaker2.AmazonBasics Portable Bluetooth Speaker – Black
    $39.95

    im a cheapskate. aint no way im buying Beats anything. somehow i got lucky with this little speaker. at $40 it’s the lowest price id ever seen for a bluetooth speaker, it’s made specifically for amazon, so i gave it a shot. very very happy.

    right now its lost and im devastated. maybe a thief came in and was about to get the three tvs but saw this speaker and was all omg is this the amazon? the little’un? and paired it and played it and fell in love and left with it. maybe it just saved my life.

    maybe i should just get another one and if the lost one magically appears then i’ll give the new one to my mom, even though my mom says shes not interested in any damn speaker and im all but the music comes out of it! and shes all nah, pass, next topic.

    cree flashlight

    3. CREE Led Mini Flashlight Torch Zoom Adjustable
    $18.29

    As you may know, I love loud music, loose women, and ridiculously bright flashlights. This fucking thing, let me tell you, it’s like a little white sun.

    It scares the cats.

    You can make it blink, strobe, and cut a path through darkness. At $18 it’s a surprisingly great gift idea for that person who likes to see when it’s dark.

    They call it mini. It’s nearly nine inches long. What monster calls something nine inches long mini?   anker

    4.  Anker Astro E1 5200mAh Ultra Compact Portable Charger External Battery Power Bank
    $15.99

    my iphone has a funny relationship with power. it likes to die when the best thing for it to do is not to die.

    i keep this thing charged and take it with me here and there and sometimes, like at concerts or ball games, it’ll try to die and i’ll plug this in and say screw you phone. how dare you try to ruin my form of expression and communication.

    what if Fergie wanted to Snapchat me?

    how did the Indians survive without filters on their phones? is this why the dinosaurs perished? is this why the caged bird sings? this puppy can charge your phone a little more than twice. that’ll do for a long day, if you’re lucky.

    razor5. Braun Series 3-340s Wet & Dry Electric Shaver
    $39.95

    i dont know why it took me this long to realize that i dont like the clean shave, so why have a clean shave. some dudes like beards or mustaches. i like a little scruff. a 10 o’clock shadow.

    i dont like electric shavers because they burn, but this thing has a special “Precision Long Hair Trimmer” that pops up from the back of the razor so you can trim your beard and/or sideburns.

    i just trim the whole damn face. its so much faster than the quadruple blade. and afterwards i hop in the shower – with the shaver – and we all clean ourselves of the nasty hairs. im sure im doing everything wrong, but who cares. its $40.

    6. Arm Compression Sleeve by Alien Armor – True Graduated Compression, Medium Set of (2)
    $27.9961Ytz2sY63L._SX425_

    near the end of summer i was doing something special for the xbi that i didnt wanna do but i did because im a nice guy. they swear im “difficult” but when they really need me whos there for them? thats right.

    difficult.

    anyways something went wrong and both my hands and arms started to really hurt. i thought i had arthritis. i thought id never write again. i thought id never computer again.

    i thought id never uber again. i thought id never bowl again!

    but i remember reading in allen iversons book that when his arms got sore from dunking on fools he’d put on some compression sleeves so i saw if theyd work for mine. and they did.

    its little hugs for your hurts.

    its magic for yr muscles.

    its happiness for your hands.

    if the dinosaurs knew this would be here one day theyd have stopped smoking or whatever they did to themselves to die off. when i die off i want my whole body to be wrapped in this material. give my organs to the hospital, or whatever, but then wrap me in this witchcraft and who knows i might regenerate.

    because thats what this does: it turns sad horrid things into beautiful feeling loveliness. they should make these for hearts.