busblog

nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, November 15, 2017

    and another one 

    last night around 4am i woke up because i was having pains in my lower back and i had a shortness of breath.

    i went to the bathroom but i knew what it was, especially when i couldn’t pee: kidney stones.

    again.

    i fuddled around my pad trying to prepare for the super long wait in the ER and doing my best not to wake up Amber. but i failed at everything.

    i couldn’t find my sweat pants, i couldn’t find my cubs knit hat and i disturbed the pretty girl, who then put on her clothes and walked me to Kaiser Permanente, where i had delivered my previous two stones.

    that’s right, in four years working for the Academy, i have now had three kidney stones.

    i try to be a cool customer, and most of the time i pull it off but the two block walk was endless. every step hurt and when we finally made it to the hospital and they told us to go upstairs and walk to the ER i began crying.

    for so many reasons.

    the biggest reason is i know what is needed to end the pain: heroin. they dont call it that in the hospital, they call it Demerol or Morphine or some other less hysterical name but it’s heroin and once they inject it into you, your body relaxes, you get super pukey, and then you drift off into a beautiful daze.

    but when you enter the hospital, if you mention pain killers even once, the machine stops and you will be delayed your sweet reward for at least an hour. trust me, i know.

    so you suck it up. and it makes you cry because if you are someone like me who is not shy about communication, it kills you not to say, “please just one shot in the ass and we can do all the other things.”  because if you say that they think you’re an addict and uggggghhhhh.

    we get to the window and thank God i was already in the system due to the previous visits and Lord Above they don’t make me do any paperwork. Also, blessings upon blessings, theres only one other person in the entire waiting room.

    so a nurse hooks me up to the blood pressure machine and murphys law it doesnt seem to wanna work so im moaning and crying and writhing around in the seat. inside all i want to do is say “BRO MY BLOOD PRESSURE IS 1000 over 10 million, lets make this happen!” but you have to be cool.

    and cry. just keep crying. just let it out, which is just as bad as the pain for me because why am i crying? im crying because this is death. i am totally out of control, i am at the mercy of people who are up at 4am who cant even get their GD blood pressure machine to work and im gonna die right there on Sunset Blvd. im crying because no doctor or specialist has been able to tell me how to avoid this. im crying because theres a pretty girl listening to me not be cool.

    my BP is 178 over 125. HAPPY EVERYONE?

    they take me to room 10. amber helps me out of my shirt. im laying on the gurney and im just moaning like a bear who has been shot in the fucking head but he aint dead yet. theres a few other people in this part of the ER and because i am highly sensitive in all areas at this point i can hear them all saying, what the hells wrong with that guy?

    and fortunately Amber parts the curtains and very politely asks a nurse, can we do something about this pain?

    angel.

    then the longest ten minutes in human history passed and finally a nurse came in with a cocktail of morphine, anti-puke meds, high blood pressure pills, and a shot of rum.

    it cut right through the pain. but naggingly it was still there. they asked me to pee, and i peed. lawdy lawdy did i pee.

    i peed so much i felt like maybe the stone was gone. but no i could still feel it. so they took me to the cat scan where i met a man who looked like all my relatives. and it turned out he was from DC. so we chatted, and took a picture together but when i got up i doubled over.

    then a nurse came in and asked what the pain level was. i said it was a 10 then a 2 now we are back up to 8. and they gave me another dose of morphine and i drifted into a nether land.

    before i floated too far, i said, amber, if i fall asleep just go home. youve been awake since 4:20, no need for you to soldier through this. but she went to starbucks and came back. i had a phone that could get tv shows. she wasnt interested and soon the doc said i was free to go.

    but life isnt fair and the hospital pharmacy doesn’t allow me to get drugs there so we took a Lyft to the Walgreens a few miles away. and i felt so good.

    SO GOOD

    i felt like i had delivered a baby and it had already graduated college.

    the contrast between ultimate pain and a quick lack of pain was bizarre and slightly unnerving. how can we feel like we are going to die at 6am but at 9am alls kool and the gang? got the meds, took one of the pain pills and drifted off again.

    and then slept and slept.

    so whats the lesson: simple. always have a little stash of heroin around the house just incase.

    :)

    tomorrow morning i have to be in santa monica at 8:30am to fight a traffic ticket. i wonder if i pass out.

  2. Saturday, November 11, 2017

    the difference between being black and white in a grocery store 

    amber is as sweet as can be, and has no problem parading around in tight, revealing clothes at times

    so when i overheard her say hi to a security guard at the grocery store the other day i barely noticed.

    then she did something i would never do in a million years in any store:

    she opened the pocket of her bag, put something in it

    and clasped that pocket shut.

    immediately i said, what on earth did you do?

    she said, I put my phone in my bag.

    i said, did you do it very slowly with nothing else in your hand so the Eye in the Sky could clearly see it?

    she laughed on me and went on her way.

    a little while later i noticed that she had placed in the cart two containers of Juice that helps you fall asleep.

    i asked, oh are you afraid you wont get drowsy tonight?

    (sleeping with me is an exciting thrill ride, let me tell you)

    a minute or two later i saw the security guard again.

    later in line i put the juices on the conveyer belt, but one was empty.

    she said, “oh i drank one while we were shopping” and smiled.

    when we got home i was all, thats why that guard was following you, you were putting things in your bag, you were drinking things in the store, if you were black you would have been arrested and searched.

    she said, i do those things all the time.

    i said if you were black you would be dead.

    she thought i was kidding. i am not kidding.

  3. Friday, November 10, 2017

    i had the most realistic and terrifying dream the other night 

    i looked out my window and there was a mountain

    there was a fire on the mountain.

    basically the mountain was on fire.

    and up and down the mountain, emotionless were demons

    who knows what they were doing but they were hunched over

    marching. taking things up and down. like worker ants.

    the sky was dark and smokey.

    in retrospect i could have been in Hell already

    but in the dream i thought, shit, this is The Reckoning

    This is Judgement Day.

    and i had always thought that the Righteous would be able to step out into that war zone and raise our hands and say here i am Lord, let’s GTFO of here

    but i was terrified. there was no hope for me. those demons would eventually come down that mountain for me.

    i had sinned and was unforgiven

    and unsaved.

    it was so crystal clear and horrible.

    yesterday i told amber about the dream and she said you have been so good to me and so many others, that dream isn’t true.

    but it seemed so true.

    it was Bosch come alive. i was in it.

    and she turned to the Garden of Earthly Delights which i had recently hung above the bed

    and she said maybe you should take that down.

  4. Monday, October 9, 2017

    Matt & Lynda say hi 

    when i first moved to LA in 1984 I immediately fell in love with the LA Weekly because it not only told me all the cool bands that were playing at all the clubs

    but it employed two comics that were so good it was ridiculous: Matt Groening’s “Life in Hell” and Lynda Barry’s “Ernie Pook’s Comeek”.

    the Weekly also ran David Lynch’s comic “The Angriest Dog in the World” which was also bizarre and awesome, but Matt and Lynda’s, despite being regularly dark in tone, often revealed a heart of gold.

    last night long time chums (since college!) Matt and Lynda came to the beautiful Ace Hotel and talked and showed slides of their life and work and just were delightful.

    Matt talked about how he came about transitioning from his Weekly strip to TVs longest running sitcom and Lynda talked about creativity and  drawing with both hands at the same time and drawing with your eyes closed.

    the crowd was in to it but the place was not at all full. Some young people were there and not impressed. but i was. here were two people who have made careers about of being weird and delightful and creative and dark.

    i want that. i am that. i can be that too. but will i ever be able to get paid handsomely for it?

    it made me think of my buddy todd francis and also jason ross. neither have had to sell out. both can be just as juvenile as they please AND feed their families.

    isn’t that what this is all about?

    afterwards Amber and i went to Mr. Ramen. then drove through Echo Park. then took pictures.

    she was such a good sport because she didn’t really know Lynda and all her books and her novel

    but she sat there and laughed and all was well.

    this morning i woke up at 6am to drive some Lyft passengers around.

    Lyft had a promotion to get us out of bed. double the fares.

    it got me out of bed.

    i made $80 with just two rides.

    and the second ride got me back home pretty much.

    where i am right now watching amber put on a little white dress in my closet.

    life could be worse.

  5. Sunday, August 27, 2017

    was having a moral dilemma about stealing the fight 

    i had a pretty decent stream coming thru the ipad

    and no way was i gonna pay $100 for a fight that might end in one minute

    but on the other hand render unto The Money Team whats the Money Team’s.

     

    i dont wanna use my powers for evil.

    so the pretty girl was laying there getting ready to go out dancing

    and i said hey lets go to this bar and watch the fight there so i dont feel like a terrible person

    and in like 3 minutes we were in a lyft going down Sunset to 33 taps in Silver Lake because i figured, who knows, maybe the used-to-be gay bar Good was really a sorta sports bar after all.

    sure enough all 20 of their tvs were on the fight and they cranked the sound so you could hear it in the parking lot. which was convenient since about 50 of us were out there watching it through bushes and tall people.

    i was super thirsty and there was a liquor store two doors down but we had a good spot next to a see-through-able bush and i was under the impression that the bout wouldn’t last 5 minutes.

    it was nice to be around the people.

    one of the people was a whiny young lady who had poured a can of beer into a Starbucks cup.

    during the intro to the fight she kept saying nasty things about the scene, the matchup, even the singer of the national anthem, miss demi lovato.

    but after the first round when mcgregor showed hints of not being the pushover many thought he’d be, she was trying to get as close to the bushes as we were.

    every connected punch was accompanied by an OOoooooo from the crowd inside and out.

    most of whom were rooting for the boxer Mayweather.

    who, when he did win, was roundly cheered by the audience.

    there were four very upset

    white dudes

    who stormed out of the bar quickly after the fight, cussing.

    one even pushed a woman who was in his way.

    i believe they lost money on the event.

    which, to me, seems impossible.

    we walked home and took this pic.

  6. Thursday, August 10, 2017

    took amber to see her hero Lady Gaga last night at the Forum 

    Lady Gaga
    The Fabulous Forum
    The Joanne Tour

    is Lady Gaga a genius? hmmmm. i have seen her perform live now four times. the first was with Yoko Ono which was magical.

    the last time I saw her was a few years ago with amber and it was less than magical.

    last night there were moments that were super emotional and it made me think that despite all the glitz and showwomanship and glitter and whoha, what Lady Gaga should do is an acoustic tour with maybe a small string section.

    Because when Gaga strips it down her voice is one of the best there is. She can belt out tunes so easily it’s crazy.

    Since she writes everything she performs, she knows precisely where the notes are going and she is like Michael Jordan

    she approaches the climax but gets bored along the way and switches hands, spins, and dunks it home

    seemingly to entertain herself, first, and then the ever-appreciative crowd.

    all of that gets lost with the video screens and weird fake clouds and lasers and dancers and band that she thinks so little of that she didn’t even introduce or acknowledge them last night.

    is Gaga a good dancer? no. her moves consist of an advanced version of The Robot.

    her costumes aren’t even that outrageous any more.

    there once was a time when Elton John, David Bowie, and even Motely Crue outdressed their audience, but Gaga is outshined by her Little Monsters every night – fashion wise

    WHICH IS OK.

    what’s not ok is IF she is a genius, it’s being overshadowed by layers and layers of production

    last night she was almost literally stepping over her fans in the general admission arena floor to walk over to the second stage on the far end of the Forum to appease the people in the cheap seats.

    while it’s admirable to give love to the people in the nosebleeds, maybe the worst “seats” for this tour are the ones on the floor because either Gaga is on a riser on the stage that’s constantly in motion or she’s strutting on a temporary bridge above them.

    we originally sat slightly behind the stage (because im a cheap bastard and the $200 face-value tix were going for $75 on Stubhub) but after a few tunes we realized that we really should dance ourway to a more practical section.

    The Lord was looking down on us and lead us to maybe the best seats in the house, middle, lower, right on an aisle next to two middle aged fans who, when asked, informed us that no one had sat there all night.

    in front of us was a mom with her 7-8 year old daughter.

    the mom valiantly tried to cover her darling angels eyes during an R-rated video montage (used so Gaga could do a costume change, of which there were 3-4 through the night). Later she covered her ears when the singer talked about how she was going through a phase of “owning my Inner Whore.”

    even though there were a sprinkling of grade school kids here and there, at these prices, the kids were rightfully left at home.

    and if anything this show was meant for The Gays, and they were in attendance in full force.

    Before sitting down to her see-through colorful grand piano she asked if there were any members of the LGBTQ

    pretty much the whole place erupted.

    Hers is a very loving, accepting, free-spirited environment where All Are Welcome and it is very much an evening to dance.

    But, she is such an overwhelmingly talented performer that it rarely comes across in a setting with booming bass, pyrotechnics, and endless array of distractions.

    While it’s obvious that she is doing an excellent job of appeasing her base, when she actually started playing that technicolor piano, the well meaning mom gushed with tears as Gaga performed an acoustic version of “Edge of Glory”. When the singer hesitated a beat to compose herself, the audience sang the next line in unison which sent chills down my back and made the mom cry even more.

    THAT is what you can do when your audience loves you, has memorized every word, and does not need the crutch of production to be connected to you.

    didn’t touring with Tony Bennett teach you anything girl?

    If I had any advice to Gaga it would be: do a tour where you play guitar for a few tunes, then piano for the rest, then during the encore have a 20 minute dance party.

    last night there were 0 encores, 0 opening acts, 0 intermissions and even though the Forum Facebook page said she would start at 7:30p, the show started well after that.

    still, today, I keep humming

    “Just Dance.. do do do do do…”

  7. Monday, July 3, 2017

    aj was all im house sitting and this pool is so empty 

    so i threw down my Cubs hat and said

    fine!

    amber was all, can i come? i was like, do you have a bikini?

    she said, do i.

    all of us are straight edge so aj had kumbucha, amber had ice tea and i brought over two bottles of mexi-Fanta Grape soda.

    we stood in the remarkably warm pool and told amber about our first encounters with Os, who we agreed had miraculously only become handsomer as time has gone on.

    and then we adjourned to the hot tub. AJ’s Bose speaker made my Amazon branded bluetooth speaker insecure and pouty. it was not at all as booming and beautiful as her Bose. in fairness the Amazon cost about 1/3 of the Bose, but music is something one should invest in.

    at some point we got hungry. the Oinkster down the street seemed like a perfectly ridiculous option. then i said, i know a sushi joint in Pasadena. the food isn’t great but theres little boats that circle the sushi chefs and it’s funny to watch.

    that one got the most votes and the food was better than i remembered.

    bonus: we got to watch Max Scherzer toss 7 shut out innings on a little tv hanging on a wall.

    today i take the cats to the vet for their annual check up.

    Michael has some bite marks on her neck and i want to make sure they arent the work of Vampires.

  8. Monday, June 5, 2017

    took amber to the elvis costello show last night at the greek 

    they’ve got the best uber and lyft pick up spot in LA

    it’s right where it should be, and there’s a back road that will get you in and out of it.

    i wanna kiss and hug whoever put it there but im afraid to even talk about it too much

    because i know once they realize what a good thing they have,

    someone will take it away.

    we ate at the best fish taco in ensenada which  the girls at my work dont like

    but i love.

    in fact after we got out shrimp and fish tacos and sat outside

    i had to run back in for some napkins.

    and i saw the owner. and i said, “delicious as always.”

    and he said, “thanks for saying that”

    and he meant it.

    got a lyft and told the dude how to roll up the hill and we did

    and got there like in no time.

    the greek is such the perfect size it’s crazy.

    one thing i wasn’t thrilled about was they no longer sell Pink’s hotdogs there.

    so i bought a $14 beer and out of protest did not return for a nightcap.

    then right before Alison started, i ordered a Lyft

    and we met him in the lot and before you could say

    whatssofunnyaboutpeaceloveandunderstanding

    we were deep in los feliz.

  9. Monday, April 24, 2017

    good news and bad news for amber 

    as some of you may know, amber, pictured right, was going to crash at my pad for six months after she leaves her current residence.

    amber, of course, the sweet angel who helped jeanine get sober.

    and who was my girlfriend a few years ago.

    last night my landlord called me and asked if jeanine was still living in my apartment because if she was she would have to raise my rent to “market rate”.

    i said jeanine was living in vegas.

    she said, that’s not what she was being told. apparently some of jeanines tax forms somehow got back to her. maybe because jeanine was delayed in changing her address with the post office. or maybe it was nosy neighbors. who knows.

    anyways, no way can i pay market rate on this apartment, no matter how nice it would be to have a long legged blonde cook, clean, and parade around in revealing outfits.

    but the good news for amber is there is a man in her life who she can move in with who she loves who lives near her job, who has his own pad.

    this weekend amber was in coachella with her man and she miraculously got front row to see her favorite star Lady Gaga. she slept in a tent. she performed yoga. she met new friends. she spread sunshine everywhere.

    will she be heartbroken that she wont see my smiling face every morning for half a year? probably. i mean, im such a prize. but something tells me she will actually make her way down a better path.

  10. Friday, July 29, 2016

    dear tony, why have you never gotten hitched? 

    amber and isally from salsberg ask, so um, if you were sooooo in love with all of your girlfriends, *points* why did you never marry any of them?

    there are two good reasons.

    the first is one that a certain group of people will understand. the second is a reason that only longtime readers of this magical blog will fully get.

    i loved mary, my first girlfriend from high school, with all of my heart. she got me to start writing regularly because we wrote letters to each other sometimes two times a day. often illustrated.

    if i had married mary i would have never met and learned from and experienced life with michele. i loved michele so much that we spent years together without even doing “it”. and if i had married her in her mom and dad’s malibu seaside valhalla, i would have never fully experienced what college had to offer namely the girl with the yellow cowboy boots, the girl who got me up against the cliffs in the moonlight, the one who slid open my sliding glass door in the middle of the night when i thought to myself man do i really want that girl to come over to my house right now and slide open my side door, or the girl i tried to date but we just giggled every time like little kids and even when we kissed bc it felt like two refrigerator magnets with the same polarity, and i would have never have met jeanine.

    if i had married jeanine i would have never moved to frisco when the internet was starting and i wouldnt have experienced the asian nympho, if i had married her id be dead right now and i would have never been seduced by the truest. i loved the truest with all of my heart and we had a great great great run but if we had gotten married i would have never had those wild vegas and canadian and dutch and mexican nights, not to mention the nba cheerleaders and anna and the cuban. who i also loved. so much. and on and on to amber, pictured. who, i fully believe, was put in my life so we could save jeanines life.

    which isnt to say that when people get married, the fun stops, but in my 100+ years ive had some fun that pretty much only a man who is not attached could have. was it deeper fun than the joy of having a wife kids and a mcmansion? probably not. in baseball terms it was a screaming triple and not a game winning home run.

    but you know us black ppl. we know how to steal home.

    which brings us to the real reason. the sad reason. the reason that no one except a few will truly understand.

    when you are in the xbi. the worst thing you could ever do is get married.

    not only because you will probably die a miserable death which would leave your wife a widow and your kids orphans. but often your family is in terrible danger and at risk of kidnap, rape, and murder. incredibly evil people can even threaten such things and it can throw off even the toughest agents. it’s not fair to the ones you love, so usually what happens is the xbi, in their little ways, takes your girlfriends away, “finds” them super handsome incredible dudes, give those dudes tons of cash, and uses xbi ways to make them fall for the gentlemen and forget about the busblog.

    just like how they forgot about dre.

    and then everyone lives happily ever after.

    so as an agent you have to live for the day, keep yr eye on the prime directive,

    and know that your personal sacrifice of that one little slice of life,

    is far more important than

    earthly delights.