and if im not happy i will go online and fight with strangers.
which doesnt make me happy because they never learn.
no one learns.
a long time ago i was writing all these short stories that i thought were great and one of my teachers said, morality plays are hundreds of years old and you cant teach any one any lessons
and on top of it, tony, youre terrible at teaching people things. and i got on my bicycle and i peddled my little bike around and
agreed with him.
and when i did i realized i was in the woods. and in any woods, as any boy knows, theres bound to be a playboy or a penthouse magazine either left behind by the Forrest Fairies or buried by some kid who wanted to read it later.
i found one of those magazines.
and i read it.
and in one of the articles it said something along the lines of “happy wife, happy life.”
amber is not my wife but she sure plays one on tv.
and she is not happy.
shes sad that the world is in kaos and outside is scary and everyones losing their jobs and her friends in hospitals are in danger
and we cannot believe the words coming out of our leaders mouths
and for some reason her bf is too busy to figure out what to say to ease her nerves.
i was working today and i heard her cry a little in the kitchen.
the Playboy Advisor would have said, fix that problem no matter how.
so i ran in there, opened my wallet and started whipping quarters and dimes at her.
WTF ARE YOU DOING she yelled as a penny nearly chipped her tooth.
throwing money at problems usually solves problems dont it?
1. she works at a fancy hotel. her job is to make magic happen for the guests who are used to having magic happen for them.
she makes the magic happen. every day.
last month she was nominated by two departments for employee of the month. she’s only in one department so that means a totally separate dept. said, yeah our people are good, but amber was better.
2. she loves Tehachapi. no matter where we go, where we are, she says “you know, this reminds me of Tehachapi.”
sometimes i have to remind her that we are at a Wendys. doesn’t matter. she will stand by her statement.
she wants to build a small resort there. i tell her no one wants to vacation there. she says people used to say that about Alaska, now theres boats going up there all the time. Cruise ships even. actually she doesnt say that part, but i can read minds and thats what she was thinking.
3. she is a master at organizing her bills. she uses flash cards and paper clips. And a computer. she will never get a late fee. #goals
4. i have had the good fortune of being lucky in love. she has never told me once to stop touching her. i think only one or two of my former girlfriends shared that trait. is this TMI? sorry. anyways, i like to touch her to make sure im not dreaming. in dreams weird things happen when you try to touch people or things. usually my hand will go right through or it will turn to sand.
5. she can cry at the drop of a dime. or a penny. or a quarter. she loves change and hates to see gravity abuse it. but seriously we can be driving down the street and we’ll talk about something and immediately her face will scrunch up and turn red and she’ll say Mario told me he would get me insulin the next time his brother goes to Mexico. and tears will appear. unlike me, she doesnt cry in movies though. weird.
6. speaking of movies. one reason i love her is she is super loud in movies. either rustling with candy or fidgeting in her chair. she picks the quietest times to do the loudest wrapper opening and i will say shush. and she will do it really slow WHICH IS WORSE but it makes me laugh inside.
7. she might be part Gemini because she can change her mind superfast. which i like because i love Geminis. so in a way it’s like having a couple girlfriends at once. which is every mans dream sorta.
8. anyways today is her birthday. she wont let me take her out to dinner because she has a road trip planned for later this month. sorta love that too.
9. she has never once pestered me to go out to party with her. she’s on the wagon. enjoys our home. and sees very little need to do much outside these four walls other than eat Thai food or drink Starbucks. being that im a million years old, i appreciate that lack of pressure.
10. i dont think she knows anything about baseball football or basketball. but she will go to any game i get tickets to. and she will have a great time. mostly because in her head she is storing information so she can better aid her hotel guests if they ever ask something nutty like, “hows the sushi at Staples Center?” and she’ll know. angel.
gonna use my iPad more. Gonna use my good camera more. Gonna learn how to edit audio for podcasts better. Gonna learn about the Valley. Gonna talk to the people. Gonna talk to them in a way that isn’t stupid…
Gonna blog every day now that I’ve got this iPad going.
Gonna get closer to Amber. Gonna go to church more. Gonna do things faster.
Today I goofed off and didn’t work like I wanted to for a number of reasons. I was tired I was mad and believe it or not I was a little hungover and just wanted to be lazy.
I know I’m not the only one on 1/1 who didn’t feel 100 percent this morning, but I hardly ever drink, so the shot and a beer i had yesterday, as nice as they were because they were with cool people, fucked up my day.
Gonna keep not drinking.
When i first met Amber and she told me she was sober I didn’t drink on our first dates which was a bit weird for me because i had not made a move on a girl without the benefit of the liquid courage, and so when i did finally kiss her for the first time sober it was a tiny boost to my confidence like, hey, you don’t need that shit.
Now that i hardly drink at all… when i do it fucks me up.
Dont get me wrong i still love a good margarita, or a sip of some good rum, or a glass or two of wine,
And this might sound cheesy, but I’d much rather have a real conversation with someone, where we are both just looking each other in the eyes and keeping it real.
So today i learned how to input my recordings into Garage Band. I learned how to do blog posts on my iPad. I got real with Amber and said we are gonna learn how to really talk to each other on a higher plane, an XBI level, almost. So tomorrow i want to learn how to cut seconds out of a part of an audio bit. And i need to go to East LA to ask some strangers some controversial things.
I am stoked to have made it to 2020. I enjoyed talking with my niece on the phone today.
And i especially liked telling her, now that Illinois has legalized weed, do not, i repeat do not eat edibles, and if you’re gonna smoke any weed, grow it first in your grandmas basement.
This Christmas I showered Amber with all the gifts you’d expect: diamonds, fur, diabetic candies.
But I knew she could get that from any man.
Also I knew what she secretly wanted. Something she’s been hinting at during little bickerings that couples typically have.
I am perfect in nearly every way. But let’s just say I don’t keep the tidiest house. Never have. Never will. Some say it’s a sign of a creative mind. But I’m not so sure. It might just be that I am a filthy animal.
So yesterday I had work to do, things to write, errands to run, but instead I spent most of the day cleaning our happy home while she was at work.
I picked her up, we had a quick dinner, went to a party, attended midnight mass, and when we got home she was exhausted. She opened the door and the house was clean. The lights twinkled. The cats yawned. And she began to cry.
I hugged her but she didn’t move.
“This is all I’ve ever wanted.” She cried more.
She walked around the pad and cried cuz it was all cleaned up. Little did she know I sold most of it for weed and baseball cards but what I couldn’t unload were put away, vacuumed, bed was made, porn was alphabetized, and the presents were neatly stacked beneath the dusty guitar.
In the morning she woke up in tears again because she thought last night had been a dream.
and heres the crazy thing, i have a terrible memory, which is a main reason why i blog so much
and should probably blog more.
but heres what i remember… through Instagram of all places she noticed that i was taking pics of places near where she lived. this was back when the Academy was where the Academy Museum is now being built. well, she lived a few blocks away.
and either i said or she said, we should hang out after work one day.
i remember we went to Doomies because i had recently eaten a fantastic vegan Big Mac from them at a street fair and i wanted to try it again to see if i was hallucinating.
so i picked Amber up and she had these crazy shorts that rode up high on her hips but were chopped super short.
i was driving a Prius looking car back then, def not the chick magnet muscle car she was accustomed to.
she said she didn’t drink, so i didnt drink either. and i noticed that i hadn’t made a move during a date without liquid courage since… maybe high school?
amber looked so beautiful and knew everything about LA (she’s a native), i hugged her goodnight and putt-putted away in my slowass hybrid.
miracles of miracles she texted me back the next day saying she had a great time.
she may have even included a risqué photograph saying she was impressed that i was a gentleman the whole evening.
after some questioning, she told me she would be interested in seeing Aerosmith play at the Forum with me, Slash was opening. she wore a slinky sparkly dress and i noticed this was the first concert i had gone to without buying a beer since… high school. it was fun, she was cute. i put my hand around her hip for one song and was too scared to kiss her when i dropped her off.
a few days later she texted me, said how much she loved the show and wanted to see another concert with me, did i have anything on the calendar? i said oui, KISS is playing with Def Leppard opening in about two weeks. we went, i was nervous, i was still not drinking, but then the lights spelling K I S S blinked i knew i should and i did
and i must be an incredible kisser because fireworks started exploding
all over the stage, in the audience, pretty much everywhere.
i hear Kiss was so moved by my moves that they now incorporate those pyrotechnics in all of their shows.
two years ago she was working at an easily forgettable hotel off ventura blvd.
she was their front desk agent of the month one month.
one day she texted me and said, i love these people but i gotta get out of here.
and shared with me stories of one valley drama after another.
i told her, the waldorff just opened in beverly hills, im sure theyd love all the skills you’ve learned there and elsewhere.
she was all, LOL, doubt it, they’re really fancy, but ok i’ll try.
and boom she was hired as a personal concierge.
first they put her on the grueling overnight shift. she shined. helped some famous people that are household names, who loved her. and then they placed her in the early morning shift.
some days she stood at the front door for hours opening it and saying hi hi hi hi, other days she was on the phones, sometimes she was the bellperson carrying people’s bags, and some days she was rocking it at the front desk.
she won best on her team a few months ago, in part because she signs people up for their rewards card, effortlessly upgrades people who want bigger and better, and is beloved by everyone from the housekeepers to the valets
if you look on trip advisor the guests leave sweet comments about her.
and when they return to the hotel they’ve been known to hug her
she truly is that nice.
but personal concierge isn’t lobby concierge, and that’s really where she shines because
not long ago she was a lobby concierge at a different fancy hotel by the beach
where she was the best at advising travelers and tourists and honeymooners and everyone
about where to eat and what to do. helicopter tours? trips to catalina? nobu?
she’s a native los angeleno which means she’s not just knowledgeable but more than helpful.
so the other day she noticed that a different fancy hotel was looking for a lobby concierge
and that hotel has a bunch of the top rated concierges in town.
you can tell because when you’re awesome they give you this tough-to-get pin,
The call it is getting your keys.
if you saw the great Wes Anderson film, “The Grand Budapest Hotel” they spoke of
a Society of Crossed Keys, a secret, international collection of world class concierges
who can book you a table at the toughest restaurant,
get you tickets to the most sold out show,
or perform impossible feats of service from behind a podium at the highest quality hotels around the world.
in reality there truly is an international group of concierges who actually do attempt to meet every need they are asked
and they too have a crossed key pin
and the next hotel that amber will be working at has about 5-6 members of that club as concierges,
who, i am certain, will take her under their wing and teach them their tricks
and she will share with them all the secrets she knows.
like, for example, where to get the best ramen they’ve ever had the pleasure of known – just 10 minutes from LAX.
oh did i bury the lede? amber applied and was accepted and starts at the new place soon.
it has been amazing to watch her rise up the ladder and literally have her dreams come true.
when we first started dating this is all she talked about
and here it is.
reach for the stars dear friends, they want to hug you!
probably gonna die soon because i cant get a job, but it’s ok
i got to see most of the best bands in the world
ive had the greatest friends and sweetest girlfriends
went to europe a few times, canada, mexico
new york city.
today amber and i went to malibu to see if the wildflowers had covered the scorched earth
and they blanketed it with so much beauty that i was taking pictures of gorges and spillways and ditches
everything just popping with yellows and purples and green green green until it frenched kissed mr blue sky
like me, amber has been in LA for so much of her life that she has stories to tell around every corner
this is where we saw a ghost. this is where i littered. this is where a girl kissed me right on the lips.
first we went to the pch mcdonalds across the street from nobu. i wanted fries. we ended up spending $11 and giving our toy to a little boy who already had the same toy.
he wisely traded it for a different one at the counter.
then we went to neptunes net past county line because i wanted something in my sour stomach other than mcnuggets fries and a coke
but my tummy said nah just kiss the girl and take pics of her in front of the motorcycles
she had on this tight leotard and short shorts and the bikers checked her out from head to toe
said this and that and i’ll tell you one thing about me, very little bothers me in this world when it comes to men appreciating the women im with.
he sure looks happy i heard one say.
i do look happy.
we went up kanan dune to thousand oaks and the hills were all hi hi hi hi hi
loooooooooook at ussssssssssss!
all sorts of greens and just 3d waves of yellow flowers probably dandelions but the tallest proudest ones ever. like jose canseco juiced em. like it was a gay parade and they were dancing on the coolest float.
am i really gonna die? consider the dandy lions of the bu
and if you are on social media as much as i am you can start to think that the good in the world is rare
but its not.
good is all around us. so is love.
the trick is you have to keep turning the dial to tune in to it.
so often im turning the dial and i stop when something is outrageous or shocking or appalling or sad or tragic or evil or maddening. which is ok.
but ive gotta keep turing it until i get different stations, ones about hope and happiness and selflessness and inspiration.
i am a sponge. anything good ive done or any successes ive had are because of the people around me who have influenced me and indirectly trained me to be like them. and i bet im not alone.
i bet lots of people hear or see things on tv or at the park or in the bar or on the bus and adopt those moments into what they consider to be reality.
i am also a victim of ritual. for a while i was a single man. i got used to a certain pattern and a way of life. if i wanted to go on a date i would but for some reason, either by my own doing or because of bad luck it didn’t amount to much. and since i dont believe in luck, im pretty sure either i sabotaged it or picked women who i always knew wouldn’t work out for me.
one day amber showed up and i did my best to ruin things. i kept her at arms length. i kept my feelings in a lock box and then i rowed a boat out to the horizon and tossed that box into the sea.
but then i got a knock on the door and there it was. wet. green. seaweed hanging off it. and amber was holding it saying yo busblog i think this is for you.
this week we had a little getaway. not too long not too short. we drove three hours and stopped. next day four hours. next day back for three hours. then back home for three hours. we talked. listened to the radio, listened to a book on tape. held hands. never fought. ate lots.
it was healing and enlightening and so very nice. we took detours. we talked to strangers. we soaked in hot tubs and swimming pools.
we both know im gonna get a gig soon and we wont be able to both get several days off in a row so this was the perfect time. and im so grateful. so grateful.
be nice to your feelings. dont put it in a box. and know that just cuz you think only this person or that one will know what to do with it, know there are little surprises in life, and go with it.