nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, July 4, 2018

    watched a good movie on amazon prime today 

    it’s a quasi fictional tale about Burt Reynolds, starring Burt Reynolds

    about him going back to where he grew up to reminice and make amends.

    and it reminded me a bit about this last trip to santa barbara because thats where i grew up.

    theres two places that will always hold special places in my heart, the suburbs of illinois

    and isla vista california 93117.

    amber was such a good sport about going to all the places, eating the foods, talking to the people.

    there was a lot we didn’t do, but the things we did do were perfect.

    of note was going to the Arlington to see Jurassic World 2 – and thanks to Movie Pass it was free, which is crazy because that theatre is so magical.

    i took Jeanine there once to see Bob Dylan and it was like being in church. once Karisa and i went up there to see Seinfeld do stand up.

    we went to the courthouse, then up the tower stairs to see the whole damn scene. we went up to Cold Springs Tavern to see where the cowboys used to drink and rob each other. we walked down Del Playa.

    we walked everywhere.

    like Burt, I have had a good, full life. we both posed nude for Cosmo, we both drive cool cars, and we look our best with a hat on.

    tonight is the fourth of July. amber is sleep but soon she will waken and we will either walk up to Griffith Observatory or I will drive us into the Hollywood Hills so we can see LA show us its tailfeather.

    it’s hard to believe how much Trump wants to ruin this great planet.

    maybe he doesn’t have a DP to walk down

    to remind him of where he started to learn everything.

    im so glad i do.

  2. Monday, May 7, 2018

    sometimes you have a good time and you dont even realize it 

    i have no memory of what happened this weekend

    i just know that amber was sick, the cats napped on the foot of the bed

    the workers wrecked my shower and we had to put plastic on the walls to keep it from ruining what the workers had done

    i got a new toaster oven and burned my remaining bagels

    drove downtown a few times

    met a former NSA and CIA director and he said whats up mr XBI

    saw my buddy matt and i drank Francis Ford Coppola’s wine

    watched the Sopranos pilot listened to U2 because i bought us U2 tickets

    drove to AAA this morning bright and early to pay $320 for car registration

    lady goes oh we dont take credit cards (!) so i go wheres a Chase? she says a few blocks

    it was like 6 blocks past every boystown bar and restaurant on Santa Monica Blvd

    it was 69 degrees

    the zipcode of where i walked is 90069

    got back a little sweaty and she gave me my sticker and im all oh yeah

    im tired but in a good way. im old in a new way. i watched donald glover (pictured, right) on SNL while amber snoozed then this morning we watched his new video which disturbed her.

    shes very sensitive.

    im not sure shes gonna make it through all the Sopranos but i hope she does.

    i have a good life. she makes good food. very healthy. i may live after all. we have 2 mile walks and then uber pool home. when we do she tells the driver that im a driver and we talk and she puts it on instagram story.

    im hungry for big things.

    friday i interviewed the genius behind the special effects of star wars. he was really nice to me

    and after it published he all caps wrote me with HIGH PRAISE.


  3. Thursday, April 12, 2018

    last night we saw St. Vincent play at the Orpheum 

    at first Amber totally wanted to go. then she asked me when the show was.

    i said hey its 6:30pm, im driving people around via my uber, i cant chat, oh look at that a wayward vehicle. yep. i cant chat. find out and tell me.

    after a while someone told her that the show didnt start until 10:30pm

    she texted me to complain and worry. she worried because she had to wake up at 4am to go to work.

    she enjoys taking the early morning shifts because poof then her day is done.

    only problem is it cramps our late night style.

    she texted me and said Less Is More which a good man would have been able to decipher, but alas i was still driving.

    got back to the pad and it was 9pm. she was napping. she had a wet towel on her head. she looked pretty.

    i said i would normally let you sleep but i hear Vincent was so good the other day that the Catholic Church made her a Saint

    so get up, we gotta go.

    and because ambers a trooper she got it together and put on a slinky dress and some knee high socks

    and we drove downtown. i told her yo after 45 minutes we can leave. in n out. just like always.

    we had great seats and within minutes she was all over me

    im so glad we came, she said and hugged me.

    it was good. sorta like devo. minus the great devo tunes.

  4. Tuesday, April 10, 2018

    for some reason amber and i rarely get time off at the same time 

    she likes to get to work an hour early and stay an hour early

    and she likes to take the bus to work

    then on her days off shes either working out at the yoga studio

    or hiking or volunteering or going to baby showers

    so believe it or not we are rarely alone for long periods of time.

    but yesterday was supposed to be the Cubs home opener

    and ever since i was a boy i would either negotiate a day off with my mom or steam in the classroom like a pouty lad.

    you see back in the day the cubs only played day games when they were at home, so…

    so i got the day off at work and she realized she had sunday and monday off too so i said hey lets take advantage of your hotel discount

    and we shuffled off to palm springs because we wanted somewhere warm where we could lay out by the pool and just relax and hold hands and sleep in and braid each others hair.

    one thing that is pretty fascinating about us is neither of us have much of an agenda when traveling or not traveling. amber likes to eat soup and salads while drinking all the tea in china.

    and i like to drive, drink a coke, and eat the most disgusting things man can create. other than that anything goes. so we had a pretty great time just walking around, driving around, and checking out as many hotels as we could so we would know where to stay on our next journey.

    even though amber works at the waldorf we stayed at the miramonte because it was like 30% cheaper. but when we visited the waldorf palm springs we saw that it was 10x cooler looking in real life than it was in the pictures. also it has 40 little pools. so that may make it into the blog at some point in the future if i dont bore amber with my nonsense.

    speaking of nonsense, the cubs got Snowed out on their opening day and it got moved to today but neither of us felt it would have been responsible to also take today off so i will suffer a little.

    but the trip was so good that i will do so with a smile on my face.

  5. Wednesday, March 21, 2018

    last night amber and i saw Adam Sandler live in concert 

    it was a 2 hour and 40 minute concert stand up show that will soon be on Netflix.

    held in a newly renovated old theater near MaCarthur Park, the joint only held 100 people and because Amber cooperated in rushing across town, we were in the 3rd row

    so you might see us in the film when its released.

    there were many things to love about it

    firstly adams guitar playing is surprisingly good. for a comedian.

    you know how you might go to a party and someone is pretty good but you just go on to the next room because who cares? well the good news is once he stopped playing he told some jokes so dirty that even young amber blushed a bit.

    he also did the saddest song about chris farley.

    it was super good.

    when it was over we drove home and someone had left the stove on. gas flames just fluttering.

    telling us both: your lives are gonna be over soon, party while you can.

    so i slinked into something more comfortable and amber did too and we cuddled up and watched Desus and Mero and then fell asleep watching the Daily Show.

    no matter how glamourous you think other people’s lives are, they’re just like Us.

    then in the middle of the night i experienced something that happens to me about once a year. all this bile in my gut finds a path to my throat while im snoozing. and there it tries to suffocate me. but then the angel in the outfield whispers: wake up fool.

    but last night it also said, and dont barf on the pretty girl.

    and i leapt up and aimed at the carpet.

    and the barf hit the side of  the bed and the oriental throw rug. and not the blonde.


    and in the morning neither of us remembered what happened that well. which is why i have video cams on at all times.

    in vivid colour.

  6. Tuesday, March 13, 2018

    we had hot n juicy last night 

    amber was all, fuck these gloves

    lets just eat with our dirty ass fingers

    so we took off the plastic protectors

    spilled the crawfish and shrimp and sausage and corn and potatoes on the plastic tarp of the table

    we slid our sodas aside

    and she dug in

    i shoved my face right in there

    people stared and when i came up i said mgmmagajldsajklddsjklsd

    motown was playing

    eighteen basketball games were on the tvs

    they were selling free calendars at the register. but the best thing was they had a sink


    of the bathroom so you could just wash your hands and fingers and nostrils right there

    without having to go into a stinky litrene


    and now i have leftovers that my man josh says i should toss into an omelette.

    hot n juicy: corner of santa monica and la brea next to the target

  7. Monday, February 19, 2018

    amber and i made it facebook official on our way back from vegas 


    that means shes now officially my girlfriend.

    which of course is the kiss of death.

    im old school. i dont believe someone is really your girlfriend unless you say so on facebook.

    she said the last time we were facebook official and then i changed it when we broke up that it was one of the saddest days in her life. she said she cried and cried.

    then on this trip she cried and cried too. but mostly for good reasons. mostly because lana del rey was such an emotional concert.

    her music really can get you if you’re paying attention. pretty girls were laying in the aisles just weeping.

    amber had her head on my shoulder crying too. it was such a beautiful, dreamy, magical show where lana seemed in slow motion the whole time like she was wooing us and hypnotizing the whole place.

    at first we were in the back, fine seats, but one thing you should know about amber is she is addicted to hot tea so that also means she needs to take some pit stops. we had just taken this picture after walking around the inside of the arena to see what there was to see, and she ran to the ladies room because she had dranken like 4 cups of tea on our way to the show and as i waited i poked my head into the curtain to see where we were in relation to the stage.

    and we were directly on the side of the stage and it was so much closer and alas, no one was seated in that section. so when she got out i said, lets sit here for a while and see what happens. what happened was a few people did what we did and no one was stopped from doing it because there was no usher there for some reason and we saw the whole show there and it was beautiful.

    and nice. so very nice. i have had many many many lovely times in vegas.

    feel free to add this one to the list.

  8. Thursday, February 15, 2018

    shes a good girl, crazy about elvis 

    so i was all lets get lost

    and as prepared as you think you might be

    theres always something’s you dont account for:

    the traffic on the 405 to the LBC

    that your roku batteries might not be good

    or that you left your lighter on the coffee table.


    if she really is a good girl, she will be all

    i have a lighter.

    and finally you start to see why purses are so valuable.

    amber is from the valley and one thing i will attribute to her birthplace is

    it doesnt matter how your pad is laid out

    or how big the suite is

    she will dump her makeup on the floor (!)

    sit right down on the hardwood or carpet

    and go to town.

    here we are on the 29th floor of a four decade old hotel and as soon as she got out of the shower, there she was bareassed on the purple carpet as if it was no biggie

    maybe it is no biggie

    maybe the indians would have done exactly the same thing if they were transported back in time.

    maybe i am thinking like a small minded fool.

    the other day we drove cheech to his home and on the way he told us about this pho restaurant at caesars thats opened late

    so amber is slipping into the tightest dress ive ever seen

    which means i will either look like her pimp

    or her John

    because all i have is some ripped jeans and a motorhead tshirt.

    but at least i have a lighter.

  9. Wednesday, February 14, 2018

    sometimes oprah sends amber flowers 

    she is a good girl.

    yesterday i met her near Rodeo after work. it is nice to work near each other.

    i was all, today is your birthday, where would you go if this was your last day on Earth?

    she said !!!!

    i said, no, for dinner?

    all through the day i had been conferring with the ladies at work where to take her. some mentioned this fancy restaurant, others suggested another one.

    so i was prepared.

    but i wasnt ready for her answer.

    CHEESECAKE FACTORY she squealed.

    i was all, ok. but what would you eat there?

    she said salad AND CHEESECAKE!

    so we drove over to the Grove and there was a big line of traffic, she said i hate traffic lets get some pho instead. so i drove that way. on the way she said you know what id really love to do right now? shop at the 99 Cent Store. i was all, you really are a dream come true. what do you want there? she said celery. AND CHEESECAKE! so we drove to the one on La Brea and walked around and all was well. and when it was over and she allowed me to pay her $14 bill, she said, ok im done. lets eat.

    then she said, did you know today is Fat Tuesday? i said no. she said what food would be good for that? i said shrimp!

    so we ended up at Seafood Express which is not romantic, def not something id see written about in Oprah’s magazine, and the furthest thing from what the ladies of the office suggested, and trust me when i tell you that they let me have it today at work when i reported back.

    but man the food was good and we got to see the ice skaters do their thing as we dined on soup and spicy garlicness.

    so heres to amber on her birthday and i hope she continues to embrace her true self.

  10. Monday, December 25, 2017

    today is Christmas 

    and all around the world little kids are setting up video games and trains and drones and

    saving for college and learning how to play guitar, just like in olden times.

    amber asks for things, and i usually say no.

    she wanted a tree, she wanted stockings over the fireplace, she wanted the fireplace to have fire

    no, no, no.

    then she said lets go to midnight mass.

    being raised catholic but then reading the bible i was all, hey the Church basically lied to me as a kid, screw that noise.

    and for the last 25 years instead of going to church i would read the bible for an hour because the Gospel reading was my favorite part of church.

    but amber, like most of us, has taken a rocky road to get to where she is today, and i figured, why not go to midnight mass

    why the f not!

    so i picked her up at work last night at 10:20pm, she was wearing this super tight very short dress, and i had on my evening wear. i had researched various midnight mass services and saw there was one in hollywood that would have a choir and a 12 piece string quartet. little did i know the pipe organ was going to be on full blast too.

    it was really nice. valet. at the foot of runyon. and best of all it started at 11pm.

    got there. sat on the side. couldnt understand a word the dude was saying. but they had the whole service typed up in a 16 page miselette and  damn the music was great. a combo of old school, new school, and christmas carols. they did parts in latin

    and mama mia were they generous on the incense. almost like they thought if we dont shake it 10 times in this corner of the church, old Satan himself is gonna sneak in.

    well the preacher missed a spot because as Amber and I got to the altar to kneel and accept our communion, first the priest gave me a wafer and then the chalice of wine. amber, being sober, waved off the wine, but then this lady priest showed up and gave her a second wafer, dipped it in the wine, pushed her foot in amber’s eye and shoved the dripping wafer right down her pretty mouth.

    then the incense dude blew some on us.

    we left soon after that, tipped the valet, and opened presents before the clock struck 1.

    merry Christmas!!!!