busblog

nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, February 13, 2019

    todays ambers birthday, shes 34 

    if you want to get her a gift may i recommend m&ms, peanut flavor.

    i bought her this 3 lb tub and gave it to her when we got home from the concert and by lunch the next day it was almost gone.

    that is how she is about everything. she goes full throttle on whatever she loves.

    she gets to work an hour early. sometimes earlier. when she reads a book, she tries to finish it before the day is over. when she watches a tv series she wants to see all of them.

    NEXT EPISODE! she’ll yell. and i say, no, it’s sleepytime. and she’ll say NEXT EPISODE!

    she cries at movies, she cries at concerts, she will not only wear anything you give her but she’ll find matching socks. she texts so many friends that today the texts just flowed in. all through lunch. all through game of thrones. all through the day.

    why? because her heart is pure. she knows its pure too which is why she wont answer direct questions. she tries to guess where you’re going. im like, have you seen the inside of my brain? you’re not gonna guess where im going. but the fun thing is i dont know where shes going either.

    she deserves better. she deserves a mellow prince. she deserves someone who drinks coffee. i’ll never drink coffee.

    today i was all what do you wanna do? she said. i said, a movie? she said no. i said, theres this great movie i wanna take you to, cold war. she said im gonna take a walk. when she got home she said, lets order thai and watch like 3-4 hours of game of thrones.

    i dont know about her, but i loved her birthday.

  2. Friday, January 25, 2019
  3. Saturday, January 5, 2019

    today i learned that amber really loves me 

    people say things to you every day and after a while it’s just like musical notes to you.

    it’s just things people say.

    damn you’re handsome, tony.

    omg it’s so huge, how do you…?

    i love you.

    the other day the xbi put something in my drink when i wasn’t looking and ive been painfully sick for the last few days. puking and sneezing and coughing and carrying on. i can’t really think straight.

    and even though im not supposed to go to the “regular” doctor because they might find out what’s in me, sometimes you just say fuck the xbi and you go and hope they can find it and take it out and you can go on with your so called life.

    amber hung out with some of her coworkers after work today and i texted her that i was going to urgent care and she started freaking out. WHATS WRONG? WHY ARE YOU GOING? WAIT FOR ME I WILL GO WITH YOU!

    i told her it was ok, that i was almost there already and because it was late at night it wouldn’t be long. and she called me and you could hear her voice tremble a little.

    you are supposed to be my rock, you can’t get this sick.

    i was all baby, i told you, i will do what i can, but i am not a rock. i am a sensitive poet who routinely gets fucked with by this terrible underground organization who desperately wants me to come back to them and they do the weirdest things to me. there will be days, weeks even, where i might not even be conscious. but don’t worry, they wont kill me.

    and shes all… but but.

    and im like, this is why agents dont get married or have kids. our lives are not ours.

    and then she said it and it wasn’t musical notes. it was raw and honest and it cut right through the poison racing through my veins.

    i love you tony. please come home.

    and the doctor found the thing, and looked at me and asked do you know what this is? and i said, it’s none of my business what it is. and i gave him some money and he gave me a prescription for codine cough medicine and i said… but but

    and he said, i know, but this will help you sleep tonight.

    and i got home and she cried and said

    i got you some $17 soup.

    and as hemingway would say, it was good.

  4. Tuesday, January 1, 2019

    took this girl to Ozzfest for NYE 

    at first we were gonna go at 6pm because thats when bodycount got on

    but then we were gonna have to sit through an hour of the dude from Korn before the three headliners got on

    so we got there at 9 for marilyn manson which was followed by a surprisingly pepped up rob zombie

    around 11:30pm Ozzy arrived. he did a couple of tunes but didnt wanna miss midnight so he stalled for about 5 minutes and then the countdown

    amber and i made out while i filmed whatever was happening on stage

    after a couple songs we split. we old.

    bought a bootleg shirt. drove home slow through inglewood

    then down the hill

    then across town

    then to our block

    and we sat in the car watching her year end special. which is really good.

    then game of thrones. then soup.

    then sleep.

  5. Sunday, December 16, 2018

    am i a terrible boyfriend? yes. 

    and here’s how i know. she keeps telling me, “don’t change a thing. i love you exactly how you are.”

    she doesn’t complain about the laundry that is in baskets for weeks, she doesn’t say a word about the endless newspapers that litter the bathroom floor. she never says a word about my taste in clothing or anything.

    she says stay gold ponyboy and i know what thats code for

    clearly i must rethink everything as the axe is about to fall. 

    what person in Trump’s staff has survived once sarah huckabee sanders has said “the president has full confidence in…”

    i dont even have full confidence in me.

    is this because i have been away from the office environment for so long now and i need Others around me to be happy?

    is it because my monthly stipend still hasn’t arrived and i need money to feel secure?

    is it because i have never met a woman who looked me in the eyes and said, change nothing while i was breathing garlic and morning breath on her? 

    i have never met a person who has not wanted more and/or better in their relationship, and for sure not someone in a ship with me, which is why i have such a long list of experiences.

    first order of business for Monday: toupee.

  6. Sunday, November 11, 2018

    sharif don’t like it 

    shes a nice girl. she doesnt wanna hurt no one.

    sometimes we’ll be driving and

    like today, today we were driving and she got real quiet so i put on the beastie boys book on tape

    im a book on tape fiend right now

    whats great about theirs is they have different people reading different chapters because theres close to 100 chapters and they are correct in assuming we dont wanna hear just two guys reading that big ass book

    we would much rather hear them along with the likes of ben stiller, wanda sykes, ll cool j, amy poehler, spike jonze, and wes anderson — among many others.

    so we were listening to this story about them going to england for the first time and they mention the fact that they were at mick jones’ house and right before joe strummer popped in adam yauch asked mick to play clash city rockers.

    because im a million years old and amber is innocence and youth personified i asked her if she knew that tune. she said nope. i go siri play clash city rockers by the clash. and we listened and

    i thought to myself

    this poor girl. bad enough shes gotta listen to the beasties book on tape but worse,

    jarvis cocker reading from the book

    and just when shes settled in listening to the story i go siri play this song shes never heard

    i wouldnt be able to stand it if the roles were reversed.

    all she wanted was a salad.

  7. Sunday, November 4, 2018

    amber just gave me the sweetest compliment 

    shes been a little bit sick so shes been in bed for two days,

    i was standing with my shirt off and long plaid pajama pants on

    eating some jumbo shrimp i had just gotten for myself after going out to get her soup and seltzer water.

    she said, “you remind me of a lot of the rock stars that stay at my hotel”

    she works at a fancy beverly hills joint

    she said, “you don’t worry about anything. you’re just cool.”

    shes lived with me over a year and thats what she thinks?

    oh i worry.

    i worry this whole thing might get pulled out from under me at any minute.

    i am not in control of anything. i could do the greatest job ever on this secret project and still get thrown to the wolves. i could do a cruddy job and get praised. you never know what people will think.

    but my biggest fear is not a person at all. it’s God. i wanna go to Heaven. but you dont get in because of  your dazzling good looks or witty banter. it’s your heart. and you can’t fake that.

    what is in my heart? it aint sugar and spice and everything nice, thats for damn sure.

    of course i care about the poor and others and this one and that one but i was in the xbi. ive done some things. who knows if im forgiven?

    Yes Jessica painted this painting that i bought from her that she framed and sent to me. it says “forgive yourself. for all of it.”

    it’s hung right next to my giant bedroom tv. right above a Cubs hat. i look at it every. single. day.

    but there are some unforgivable things.

    and even if i convince myself that there arent, what if God disagrees?

    the Good Book says the only unforgivable sin is blasphemy, or more specifically denying God. everything else has been paid for by Jesus.

    let’s hope thats the case because i would like to go back to worrying about the same things that rock stars in swanky hotels should worry about: when will the creativity dry up one day, when will the pretty girls stop paying attention,

    and when will that Mexicoke ever arrive from room service?

  8. Monday, October 15, 2018

    this weekend we went down to oceanside 

    amber participated in this event that our good pal AJ is charge of about Women’s Empowerment

    amber went last year and was so blown away she said that AJ reminded her of a white Oprah.

    so immediately she started saving up for this year’s trip.

    usually i like to say hell yeah whenever she asks me to plan a weekend excursion but because the Cubs are apparently a perennial post-season team now, i kept telling her that any October plans would depend on how well the Cubs were doing because either i would be near where they are playing or glued to a TV.

    but as you know their bats could have used some empowerment themselves and as soon as they were booted from contention, i promised to drive her down and chauffeur her all around the picturesque landscape of north county.

    while she did her thing i worked on the secret project. and when she was done we dined at luxurious buffets and mexican haunts.

    she handled some deep emotional things in those woods and i respect her – and all the ladies – for the work they put in.

    and when it was over i got to say hi to AJ who looked so happy and at peace and – it’s hard to describe – maybe a little elevated herself. all that great energy had washed all over her.

    twas a good weekend and im glad to be back in LA.

  9. Wednesday, October 3, 2018

    can i tell you a secret 

    im a very happy man.

    theres a pretty girl snoring next to me who loves me and i love her right back.

    we’re good at lots of things and not very good at others.

    but we are good about talking about how we can work on those things, so it helps.

    there are people in her past that she doesn’t want to be like and im all samesies times a million!

    we like totally different foods, which is interesting because sometimes she will order something

    and i will order something and half way through i will have picked around the things i hate

    and we just switch plates and it’s the best.

    meanwhile im working on a secret project thats coming along faster than scheduled

    which is good because thats what ive always told everyone that would happen if i could just

    control my own destiny.

    tomorrow im going to a church, then a lakers game to see king james

    then friday i’ll be at the dodger game with my brother to check out the playoffs

    which will be bittersweet because my cubs but

    weirdly im still very happy

    and it’s in part because of snoring girl, who has this lovely spirit

    she just wants everyone to be happy around her

    and i want the same thing.

    i have always, and i want who ever is reading this to feel the sunshine

    because it does come out

    right after the darkness.

  10. Saturday, September 22, 2018