busblog

nothing in here is true

  1. Sunday, December 16, 2018

    am i a terrible boyfriend? yes. 

    and here’s how i know. she keeps telling me, “don’t change a thing. i love you exactly how you are.”

    she doesn’t complain about the laundry that is in baskets for weeks, she doesn’t say a word about the endless newspapers that litter the bathroom floor. she never says a word about my taste in clothing or anything.

    she says stay gold ponyboy and i know what thats code for

    clearly i must rethink everything as the axe is about to fall. 

    what person in Trump’s staff has survived once sarah huckabee sanders has said “the president has full confidence in…”

    i dont even have full confidence in me.

    is this because i have been away from the office environment for so long now and i need Others around me to be happy?

    is it because my monthly stipend still hasn’t arrived and i need money to feel secure?

    is it because i have never met a woman who looked me in the eyes and said, change nothing while i was breathing garlic and morning breath on her? 

    i have never met a person who has not wanted more and/or better in their relationship, and for sure not someone in a ship with me, which is why i have such a long list of experiences.

    first order of business for Monday: toupee.

  2. Sunday, November 11, 2018

    sharif don’t like it 

    shes a nice girl. she doesnt wanna hurt no one.

    sometimes we’ll be driving and

    like today, today we were driving and she got real quiet so i put on the beastie boys book on tape

    im a book on tape fiend right now

    whats great about theirs is they have different people reading different chapters because theres close to 100 chapters and they are correct in assuming we dont wanna hear just two guys reading that big ass book

    we would much rather hear them along with the likes of ben stiller, wanda sykes, ll cool j, amy poehler, spike jonze, and wes anderson — among many others.

    so we were listening to this story about them going to england for the first time and they mention the fact that they were at mick jones’ house and right before joe strummer popped in adam yauch asked mick to play clash city rockers.

    because im a million years old and amber is innocence and youth personified i asked her if she knew that tune. she said nope. i go siri play clash city rockers by the clash. and we listened and

    i thought to myself

    this poor girl. bad enough shes gotta listen to the beasties book on tape but worse,

    jarvis cocker reading from the book

    and just when shes settled in listening to the story i go siri play this song shes never heard

    i wouldnt be able to stand it if the roles were reversed.

    all she wanted was a salad.

  3. Sunday, November 4, 2018

    amber just gave me the sweetest compliment 

    shes been a little bit sick so shes been in bed for two days,

    i was standing with my shirt off and long plaid pajama pants on

    eating some jumbo shrimp i had just gotten for myself after going out to get her soup and seltzer water.

    she said, “you remind me of a lot of the rock stars that stay at my hotel”

    she works at a fancy beverly hills joint

    she said, “you don’t worry about anything. you’re just cool.”

    shes lived with me over a year and thats what she thinks?

    oh i worry.

    i worry this whole thing might get pulled out from under me at any minute.

    i am not in control of anything. i could do the greatest job ever on this secret project and still get thrown to the wolves. i could do a cruddy job and get praised. you never know what people will think.

    but my biggest fear is not a person at all. it’s God. i wanna go to Heaven. but you dont get in because of  your dazzling good looks or witty banter. it’s your heart. and you can’t fake that.

    what is in my heart? it aint sugar and spice and everything nice, thats for damn sure.

    of course i care about the poor and others and this one and that one but i was in the xbi. ive done some things. who knows if im forgiven?

    Yes Jessica painted this painting that i bought from her that she framed and sent to me. it says “forgive yourself. for all of it.”

    it’s hung right next to my giant bedroom tv. right above a Cubs hat. i look at it every. single. day.

    but there are some unforgivable things.

    and even if i convince myself that there arent, what if God disagrees?

    the Good Book says the only unforgivable sin is blasphemy, or more specifically denying God. everything else has been paid for by Jesus.

    let’s hope thats the case because i would like to go back to worrying about the same things that rock stars in swanky hotels should worry about: when will the creativity dry up one day, when will the pretty girls stop paying attention,

    and when will that Mexicoke ever arrive from room service?

  4. Monday, October 15, 2018

    this weekend we went down to oceanside 

    amber participated in this event that our good pal AJ is charge of about Women’s Empowerment

    amber went last year and was so blown away she said that AJ reminded her of a white Oprah.

    so immediately she started saving up for this year’s trip.

    usually i like to say hell yeah whenever she asks me to plan a weekend excursion but because the Cubs are apparently a perennial post-season team now, i kept telling her that any October plans would depend on how well the Cubs were doing because either i would be near where they are playing or glued to a TV.

    but as you know their bats could have used some empowerment themselves and as soon as they were booted from contention, i promised to drive her down and chauffeur her all around the picturesque landscape of north county.

    while she did her thing i worked on the secret project. and when she was done we dined at luxurious buffets and mexican haunts.

    she handled some deep emotional things in those woods and i respect her – and all the ladies – for the work they put in.

    and when it was over i got to say hi to AJ who looked so happy and at peace and – it’s hard to describe – maybe a little elevated herself. all that great energy had washed all over her.

    twas a good weekend and im glad to be back in LA.

  5. Wednesday, October 3, 2018

    can i tell you a secret 

    im a very happy man.

    theres a pretty girl snoring next to me who loves me and i love her right back.

    we’re good at lots of things and not very good at others.

    but we are good about talking about how we can work on those things, so it helps.

    there are people in her past that she doesn’t want to be like and im all samesies times a million!

    we like totally different foods, which is interesting because sometimes she will order something

    and i will order something and half way through i will have picked around the things i hate

    and we just switch plates and it’s the best.

    meanwhile im working on a secret project thats coming along faster than scheduled

    which is good because thats what ive always told everyone that would happen if i could just

    control my own destiny.

    tomorrow im going to a church, then a lakers game to see king james

    then friday i’ll be at the dodger game with my brother to check out the playoffs

    which will be bittersweet because my cubs but

    weirdly im still very happy

    and it’s in part because of snoring girl, who has this lovely spirit

    she just wants everyone to be happy around her

    and i want the same thing.

    i have always, and i want who ever is reading this to feel the sunshine

    because it does come out

    right after the darkness.

  6. Saturday, September 22, 2018
  7. Monday, September 17, 2018

    why is this man sweating like a dog? 

    because yesterday at wrigley field it was AT LEAST 90 degrees, probably hotter, with no wind in the Windy City, no shade in the center field bleachers for the 1:20pm start, so i had to use a formerly blonde girl as my umbrella which was fine until she melted in my hands like a chocolate Easter bunny left in a parked car in July in Mexico City.

    but i drank Old Style, poured water on my head, hid out beneath the bleachers, and put a Slushie down my shorts. it was Heaven, even though the Cubs didn’t win.

    This was Amber’s first trip to Chicago and I hope she had a good time. When we went to the only stand that serves Old Style, she spotted Nachos on the menu and asked if it came with Pico de Guy-o. i was all, girl these people don’t know what that is. (and they didn’t), instead they said, if you get the nachos in the Cubs helmet it comes with EVERYTHING WE HAVE (for the low price of $20). when we saw the Cubs at Dodger Stadium she had nacho envy any time she spied someone eating out of a helmet so she didnt pass up the chance of eating all that gooey cheese and chili (!) in the Friendly Confines.

    we were there with my long time friend Monica who ive known since the first day of high school, her handsome husband Patrick, and later we met up with Andy Sternberg and his friend (whose brother has been beating me in the busblog fantasy leagues for far too long)

    here we are beneath the bleachers hiding from the heat as we ate and drank and watched the game on tv alongside two football games and enjoying the Cub fans root against the Packers on such a good Sunday it was hard to believe.

    and im telling you ive never sweated so much in my life. i immediately took my shirt off despite my belly that reveals im 7 months pregnant (it’s a boy!) but that did no good. so i took off my pants. then my socks. and finally my fur coat. still the sweat was pouring out of me like i had sprung a leak. speaking of… there was a rumor that gentlemen were no longer allowed to take their shirts off at wrigley any longer, especially in the Bleachers. which was something that i couldn’t wait to get thrown in jail for. because some of my favorite baseball men had bared their boobies in the bleachers in the past.

    the best being mr bill veeck, who planted the ivy on the walls of wrigley way back.

    who had a wooden leg.

    who even though he bought the white sox and turned the old comiskey into such a fun place – despite being riddled with american league bozos and south side fans.

    the point bill was always making, was the same thing that Andrew W.K. makes today, which is life is short, take off your shirt, and party party party because soon we will be dead and in Heaven and we will have to be ready for the ultimate party up there, which probably also does not include shirts or both of our legs. so lets get some practice in now.

    and of course the other is the grand daddy of them all, Mr. Harry Caray who also didn’t have the most Grecian physique but did. not. give. one. fuck. are we not men? and look, the ladies loved him for it. as did the kids. as did the long haired stoners. as did every man woman and child. for fun is universal and man boobs and bellies denote a certain freedom and joie de vreeve that we all admire and desire. so fuck yeah i took my shirt off immediately and wiped my face with it because it was hotter than than a stripper on a mid day pole and i was sweating harder than a long tailed cat at a rocking chair convention. throw me out copper – but they never did for they were hot as hell too.

    which brings us to Old Style.

     

    i am a man of a certain age

    who remembers a time when the bleachers were not always packed (or $70 on stub hub), and people weren’t clamoring to build houses and hotels on the monopoly boards of Clark and Addison.

    indeed, my mom would give teenage me $10 to go to the game, and $3 got us a bleacher seat, $5 got you an old style, and you could probably get a hot dog for $2 and you were in hog heaven. apparently it’s tough to pay millionaires tens of millions more to play for your team with those sorts of prices, and people really do love their beer, so jack up the rates they did. but they also cut certain deals with giant brewers like Budweiser to make them the semi-exclusive distributor of suds in the stands. 

    but somehow even these genius businesspeople know that Old Style is as synonymous to the Cubs as ivy and day games. so ownership, God Bless em, told Bud that they really couldn’t rip Lacrosse Wisconsin’s greatest export from Wrigley, in part because men my age are nostalgic about certain things like our first beer. And we will pay top dollar and we will seek out the one stand beneath the stands that no one goes to, in order to relive their childhood.

    and that stand still exists under the right field bleachers and a portion of the proceeds goes to a special school on the North West Side of town and i guess that made it ok for Budweiser which made it ok with the Cubs which made it ok with the world. so i buy it and drink it and love it. OK?!

    the Brewers lost too which brought the Cubs Magic Number down to 11.  the team travels to AZ today to take on the red hot Diamondbacks as part of a 30-game stretch without a day off. and they are def limping into Bethlehem barely able to scratch a run or two together, but fortunately the pitching is so strong.

    like my B.O.

  8. Wednesday, July 4, 2018

    watched a good movie on amazon prime today 

    it’s a quasi fictional tale about Burt Reynolds, starring Burt Reynolds

    about him going back to where he grew up to reminice and make amends.

    and it reminded me a bit about this last trip to santa barbara because thats where i grew up.

    theres two places that will always hold special places in my heart, the suburbs of illinois

    and isla vista california 93117.

    amber was such a good sport about going to all the places, eating the foods, talking to the people.

    there was a lot we didn’t do, but the things we did do were perfect.

    of note was going to the Arlington to see Jurassic World 2 – and thanks to Movie Pass it was free, which is crazy because that theatre is so magical.

    i took Jeanine there once to see Bob Dylan and it was like being in church. once Karisa and i went up there to see Seinfeld do stand up.

    we went to the courthouse, then up the tower stairs to see the whole damn scene. we went up to Cold Springs Tavern to see where the cowboys used to drink and rob each other. we walked down Del Playa.

    we walked everywhere.

    like Burt, I have had a good, full life. we both posed nude for Cosmo, we both drive cool cars, and we look our best with a hat on.

    tonight is the fourth of July. amber is sleep but soon she will waken and we will either walk up to Griffith Observatory or I will drive us into the Hollywood Hills so we can see LA show us its tailfeather.

    it’s hard to believe how much Trump wants to ruin this great planet.

    maybe he doesn’t have a DP to walk down

    to remind him of where he started to learn everything.

    im so glad i do.

  9. Monday, May 7, 2018

    sometimes you have a good time and you dont even realize it 

    i have no memory of what happened this weekend

    i just know that amber was sick, the cats napped on the foot of the bed

    the workers wrecked my shower and we had to put plastic on the walls to keep it from ruining what the workers had done

    i got a new toaster oven and burned my remaining bagels

    drove downtown a few times

    met a former NSA and CIA director and he said whats up mr XBI

    saw my buddy matt and i drank Francis Ford Coppola’s wine

    watched the Sopranos pilot listened to U2 because i bought us U2 tickets

    drove to AAA this morning bright and early to pay $320 for car registration

    lady goes oh we dont take credit cards (!) so i go wheres a Chase? she says a few blocks

    it was like 6 blocks past every boystown bar and restaurant on Santa Monica Blvd

    it was 69 degrees

    the zipcode of where i walked is 90069

    got back a little sweaty and she gave me my sticker and im all oh yeah

    im tired but in a good way. im old in a new way. i watched donald glover (pictured, right) on SNL while amber snoozed then this morning we watched his new video which disturbed her.

    shes very sensitive.

    im not sure shes gonna make it through all the Sopranos but i hope she does.

    i have a good life. she makes good food. very healthy. i may live after all. we have 2 mile walks and then uber pool home. when we do she tells the driver that im a driver and we talk and she puts it on instagram story.

    im hungry for big things.

    friday i interviewed the genius behind the special effects of star wars. he was really nice to me

    and after it published he all caps wrote me with HIGH PRAISE.

     

  10. Thursday, April 12, 2018

    last night we saw St. Vincent play at the Orpheum 

    at first Amber totally wanted to go. then she asked me when the show was.

    i said hey its 6:30pm, im driving people around via my uber, i cant chat, oh look at that a wayward vehicle. yep. i cant chat. find out and tell me.

    after a while someone told her that the show didnt start until 10:30pm

    she texted me to complain and worry. she worried because she had to wake up at 4am to go to work.

    she enjoys taking the early morning shifts because poof then her day is done.

    only problem is it cramps our late night style.

    she texted me and said Less Is More which a good man would have been able to decipher, but alas i was still driving.

    got back to the pad and it was 9pm. she was napping. she had a wet towel on her head. she looked pretty.

    i said i would normally let you sleep but i hear Vincent was so good the other day that the Catholic Church made her a Saint

    so get up, we gotta go.

    and because ambers a trooper she got it together and put on a slinky dress and some knee high socks

    and we drove downtown. i told her yo after 45 minutes we can leave. in n out. just like always.

    we had great seats and within minutes she was all over me

    im so glad we came, she said and hugged me.

    it was good. sorta like devo. minus the great devo tunes.