busblog

nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, April 24, 2017

    good news and bad news for amber 

    as some of you may know, amber, pictured right, was going to crash at my pad for six months after she leaves her current residence.

    amber, of course, the sweet angel who helped jeanine get sober.

    and who was my girlfriend a few years ago.

    last night my landlord called me and asked if jeanine was still living in my apartment because if she was she would have to raise my rent to “market rate”.

    i said jeanine was living in vegas.

    she said, that’s not what she was being told. apparently some of jeanines tax forms somehow got back to her. maybe because jeanine was delayed in changing her address with the post office. or maybe it was nosy neighbors. who knows.

    anyways, no way can i pay market rate on this apartment, no matter how nice it would be to have a long legged blonde cook, clean, and parade around in revealing outfits.

    but the good news for amber is there is a man in her life who she can move in with who she loves who lives near her job, who has his own pad.

    this weekend amber was in coachella with her man and she miraculously got front row to see her favorite star Lady Gaga. she slept in a tent. she performed yoga. she met new friends. she spread sunshine everywhere.

    will she be heartbroken that she wont see my smiling face every morning for half a year? probably. i mean, im such a prize. but something tells me she will actually make her way down a better path.

  2. Friday, July 29, 2016

    dear tony, why have you never gotten hitched? 

    amber and isally from salsberg ask, so um, if you were sooooo in love with all of your girlfriends, *points* why did you never marry any of them?

    there are two good reasons.

    the first is one that a certain group of people will understand. the second is a reason that only longtime readers of this magical blog will fully get.

    i loved mary, my first girlfriend from high school, with all of my heart. she got me to start writing regularly because we wrote letters to each other sometimes two times a day. often illustrated.

    if i had married mary i would have never met and learned from and experienced life with michele. i loved michele so much that we spent years together without even doing “it”. and if i had married her in her mom and dad’s malibu seaside valhalla, i would have never fully experienced what college had to offer namely the girl with the yellow cowboy boots, the girl who got me up against the cliffs in the moonlight, the one who slid open my sliding glass door in the middle of the night when i thought to myself man do i really want that girl to come over to my house right now and slide open my side door, or the girl i tried to date but we just giggled every time like little kids and even when we kissed bc it felt like two refrigerator magnets with the same polarity, and i would have never have met jeanine.

    if i had married jeanine i would have never moved to frisco when the internet was starting and i wouldnt have experienced the asian nympho, if i had married her id be dead right now and i would have never been seduced by the truest. i loved the truest with all of my heart and we had a great great great run but if we had gotten married i would have never had those wild vegas and canadian and dutch and mexican nights, not to mention the nba cheerleaders and anna and the cuban. who i also loved. so much. and on and on to amber, pictured. who, i fully believe, was put in my life so we could save jeanines life.

    which isnt to say that when people get married, the fun stops, but in my 100+ years ive had some fun that pretty much only a man who is not attached could have. was it deeper fun than the joy of having a wife kids and a mcmansion? probably not. in baseball terms it was a screaming triple and not a game winning home run.

    but you know us black ppl. we know how to steal home.

    which brings us to the real reason. the sad reason. the reason that no one except a few will truly understand.

    when you are in the xbi. the worst thing you could ever do is get married.

    not only because you will probably die a miserable death which would leave your wife a widow and your kids orphans. but often your family is in terrible danger and at risk of kidnap, rape, and murder. incredibly evil people can even threaten such things and it can throw off even the toughest agents. it’s not fair to the ones you love, so usually what happens is the xbi, in their little ways, takes your girlfriends away, “finds” them super handsome incredible dudes, give those dudes tons of cash, and uses xbi ways to make them fall for the gentlemen and forget about the busblog.

    just like how they forgot about dre.

    and then everyone lives happily ever after.

    so as an agent you have to live for the day, keep yr eye on the prime directive,

    and know that your personal sacrifice of that one little slice of life,

    is far more important than

    earthly delights.

  3. Tuesday, May 31, 2016

    what if amber was my last girlfriend? 

    amberif you ask me ive had a miraculous streak of amazing girlfriends

    but i had zero last year.

    the last one i had was in 2014, miss amber smith blog.

    what if thats it for me? what if tinder and bumble are the only ways to get girls nowadays and what if that doesnt work out?

    will i be alone forever?

    will i be eternally a bachelor waiting for that sweet moment of death to silence me?

    what if im unlovable?

    what if the only way i can get someone to want to be with me is to go to the gym?

    is it worth it?

    shouldnt i want someone to love me for my heart, for my mind, for the cool things i retweet?

    what if word got out that im a bad kisser?

    what if everything i did was wrong?

    i see people get together, i see people even get married, and lately ive seen people gotten divorced.

    was it better to just drive around and not have to have gone through all of that?

    was it better the life ive had, dates, hookups, concerts, back seats, front seats, car hoods

    garages

    public parks

    parking lots?

    some of them have kids and thats nice. the kids are nice. they are our future i hear. but are they?

    the milleniums were supposed to be our future but they listen to such garbage and do everything wrong. but who am i to talk, i do everything wrong too.

    et tu busblog.

    what i like about mick jagger is he was comfortable in his non attatchmentness but then one day his long time girlfriend said we need to get married so they got married and then they got divorced because some things dont look good with sweaters on them.

    my cats for example dont like to be held for very long. they’ll let you do it for like a minute but then they meow and levitate to about two feet away from you and they lay there and eventually pass out from contentment of not being touched by you.

    am i content just meeting new runway models and going to shows and restaurants and mountain tops

    would i get bored of what it seems like everyone else gets bored of?

    theres worse things than being bored.

    dont know what it is, but im sure there are worse things.

     

  4. Wednesday, May 13, 2015

    do you pray? 

    me and amber last summer do you get on your knees every night after you brush your teeth and floss?

    do you say dear Lord please bless mommy and daddy and mama dugas and papa dugas?

    do you say thank for letting the Cubs win today, thanks for letting me have a good day?

    thanks for letting me drive that crazy dude all the way to hermosa at 2.3 surge

    and thanks for letting me live in a beautiful place where theres a guy selling tacos next to a gas station?

    do you then say the our father and sometimes lose your place because your mind wanders?

    and then do you say ok and please bless ilka and mary and the truest and jeanine?

    because if you do also say

    and also bless amber, whereever she is because shes a sweet girl who deserves good things

    please show her the way and take care of her and be extra nice to her because she helped show the way to jeanine

    and that was priceless.

    and then say the our father again and if you want the Hail Mary.

    full of grace

    the Lord is with thee.

    there are good people in the world who should have good things happen to them.

    and amber is def one of those people.

    so please merciful God please shine a warm light on her and

    do all the cool things we all know are possible.

    in Jesus’s name.

    amen.

  5. Monday, March 23, 2015

    do i miss her? duh 

    amber entering my car

    i miss em all.

    weirdly im still a sensitive poet though and when things dont work out i need a decade or two to heal.

    who knows why. maybe it’s something the xbi did to me so i could get back into chopper one and focus on work.

    i did the same thing with jeanine, the truest, ashley, all of em.

    they say theres two things plants need: sun and water.

    if you give them too much of one or the other then they’ll die.

    and if they dont get enough of one or the other they may die but they’ll probably hang in there until they get one or the other.

    the thing about life is you can say, “oh just give them the perfect amount every week” but life doesnt work like that. stuff happens.

    sometimes there aint no water. other times there aint no sun.

    and sometimes no matter what you do that plant just will not bloom.

    then when you arent looking not only does it bloom but it turns out it was a secret avocado tree and now you got so many avocados you dont even know what to do.

    so you gotta chill. no freaking out. no jumping off cliffs.

    miss the girls and all the nice things they brought,

    focus on giving back to the world and before you know it:

    guacamole for days.

  6. Friday, February 13, 2015

    today is jeanine’s birthday, she’s back from Hell 

    jeanine

    some of us have been to the edge

    some of us have stared down into the big ugly

    some of us have had the taste of darkness

    jeanine has gone further and deeper and been places that should have never given her back to us.

    but we are so lucky she is still here.

    jeanine could drink more than any person i have ever met, and i know some drinkers.

    she consumed more substances than even her former drug dealer boyfriend

    (except pot. she hates pot.)

    and she did this for years and years and years.

    she was in the ICU on several occasions. french kissing death. saying comeon comeon comeon like kim gordon sneers in “kool thing”

    but even death knew jeanine had more to do here, on this planet, with all of us.

    and spit her back out.

    amber and jeaninethen a miracle happened.

    i was dating young amber smith blog and we discovered that jeanine and amber shared the same birthday

    not only that but they had similar demons.

    the miracle was that amber had gone through the steps that it took to rid her self of her evils and she was sweet enough to share that with her birthday sister.

    amber coached me that i was doing everything wrong. she told me that i had to let jeanine go and do her own thing and she would find the true path alone.

    it was scary but it worked. jeanine rode busses from the beach to DTLA to the valley to jump through all of the red tape that she needed to get help.

    omg socialized help

    which not only saved her life, but restored her to the jeanine we first knew and loved some two decades ago.

    today jeanine is sober, healthy, happy, alert, aware, and full of life.

    she is responsible and motivated and filled with happiness and joy and doing things she probably never thought she’d ever be doing like talking to her mom all the time, reading the bible, and just saying no.

    it’s a transformation we all hoped would happen but never thought would take place so quickly and thoroughly, but Jeanine is the essence of quickness. she taught herself guitar and piano in days. she became a certified jeweler in months. and now she has her sights set to be a master chef. which she will accomplish, no doubt, in part, to honor her late brother.

    i have had the great pleasure of knowing some of the most unique and special people in the world and jeanine continues to surprise me in beautiful ways.  and i love her so much and im so happy for her because i can only imagine how tough it was for her to get here.

    she has been on the craziest road and i thank God that she never gave up.

    happy birthday Jeanine. here’s to many more.

    and thank you and happy birthday Amber. without you who knows what would have happened to Jeanine.

  7. Sunday, October 19, 2014

    Cause you and I, we were born to die 

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    life has a way of getting in the last laugh.

    amber and i had a great summer whirlwind whose highpoints involved some of the best rock shows.

    so of course after we split up she, so kindly, gifted me her high priced ticket

    to see Lana Del Rey at the Hollywood Forever cemetery

    because she had to work and couldnt get out of it.

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    the lines were long to get into the place because they had to scan your soul to see if you were worthy

    no one was.

    amber woulda been, but not us.

    we were just lucky to be at the famous cemetery squooshed between a gritty stretch of santa monica blvd

    and the  back lot of Paramount Studios, one of the many homes of make believe.

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    since no one was passing the test they said screw it and let everyone in and we flooded to see the chartreuse

    who was simultaneously a throwback to martini sipping, cigarette toking broads

    and futuristic femme fatales who know what they want and look great in cocktail dresses

    the crowd were not just fans but uber-fans. they knew every word and sang it with her. even the song that just came out.

    and despite the fact that there were two jib cameras swooping around they had their phones and tablets out recording it all.

    many had paid several hundred dollars to see Ms. Del Rey. she has only performed a handful of performances in LA,

    the last being at Coachella way back in the spring.

    this, however was the very last night of her Summertime Sadness tour

    and despite being held in a graveyard a lucky 13 days from halloweentumblr_ndok8vaG2A1rk2e30o2_500

    there was nothing to cry about, but boy were there tears.

    from the moment she sauntered onto the stage with what appeared to be a vintage grass green dress

    and summery white heels the audience flooded the stage with adoration

    screaming any time she looked her way or

    gasp

    waved gently.

    several times throughout the show she glided down the stairs of the stage and into the photo pit next to the crowd and took selfies and autographed various graven images

    people fa-reeked out.

    her vocal range is lacking, she doesn’t dance, and she didn’t even sing her Oscar-nominated hit Young and Beautiful

    but she is this generations Barbara Streisand, she can do what she wants.

    like only play an hour-long set

    like smoke, not one, but two cigarettes during the night

    like perform zero encores

    like not introduce the band.

    shes not normal, it’s ok.

    lana del rey live is exactly like her music: dreamy, haunting, romantic to the hilt

    and in the end leaving the audience with the desire for more

    more

    more.

    the only thing that made the 30 year old go a little off script was when, during a long instrumental intro to a song,

    a man yelled out

    LANA SIT ON MY FACE

    to which she paused

    and then crack up.

    almost as to say, sweetheart, what do you think i’m doing.

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    thank you amber smith blog, so so much.

    the next one’s on me.

  8. Thursday, October 16, 2014
  9. Monday, October 6, 2014
  10. Wednesday, September 17, 2014

    work kicked us out of our offices after lunch yesterday bc we are moving 

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    fortunately amber smith blog lives super close to my work and she has air conditioning. so i was all, can i work from home

    from your home?

    she said sure, only problem, my AC isn’t working.

    i was all, ok guess i gotta go to the library.

    she said, omg i love libraries lemme go with you

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    so we walked down the street and she said wait are those swimtrunks you have on?

    i said yes, i always love to wear swimtrunks as shorts when its 100 degrees,

    i said i know some people think theyre tacky but what happens if someone invites me to a pool?

    she said, youre so cool

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    so i took a picture of us, she in her sweet summer dress and me in my swimsuit shorts

    and the hawaiian shirt my mom bought me at macys

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    amber was all ok heres the library i was telling you about!

    i said wait a damn minute this sure looks like a rooftop pool.

    she was all, its got wifi and heres a book, voila: library!

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    so i jumped into the pool, found a shady spot and went back to working.

    ah the internet.

    thank you Al Gore

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    every now and then i looked to my right and said mama mia, why didnt this girl hit on me when we were both at the LA Times

    and the world was crumbling down on me. and a voice said, just drink the cold water and enjoy the shade

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    we heard some sounds. it was the hotel. there was a blackout in beverly hills (where we were)

    i asked the bikini waitress, does this mean the beers wont be cold any more?

    she said, oh we have generators for the pool, the beverages, and the elevators.

    so i went back to working and looking to my right.

    but after a while we were actually hungry hungry

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    so we drove to my favorite sushi joint and had crab so fresh one of them pinched amber’s tight rump.

    she was all, fresh! and slapped him

    he blushed and we ate him.

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    then we drove down to anaheim and saw Katy Perry who was about 10 times better than I thought she was gonna be.

    we had embarrassingly good tickets.

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    all sorts of people there: moms dads and of course screaming tween girls

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    and these well dressed members of the state assembly

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    lesson of the day: we are here to dazzle, so dazzle.

    Ignite the light
    And let it shine
    Just own the night
    Like the Fourth of July

    ‘Cause baby, you’re a firework
    Come on show them what you’re worth
    Make them go, “Oh, oh, oh”
    As you shoot across the sky