busblog

nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, October 15, 2018

    this weekend we went down to oceanside 

    amber participated in this event that our good pal AJ is charge of about Women’s Empowerment

    amber went last year and was so blown away she said that AJ reminded her of a white Oprah.

    so immediately she started saving up for this year’s trip.

    usually i like to say hell yeah whenever she asks me to plan a weekend excursion but because the Cubs are apparently a perennial post-season team now, i kept telling her that any October plans would depend on how well the Cubs were doing because either i would be near where they are playing or glued to a TV.

    but as you know their bats could have used some empowerment themselves and as soon as they were booted from contention, i promised to drive her down and chauffeur her all around the picturesque landscape of north county.

    while she did her thing i worked on the secret project. and when she was done we dined at luxurious buffets and mexican haunts.

    she handled some deep emotional things in those woods and i respect her – and all the ladies – for the work they put in.

    and when it was over i got to say hi to AJ who looked so happy and at peace and – it’s hard to describe – maybe a little elevated herself. all that great energy had washed all over her.

    twas a good weekend and im glad to be back in LA.

  2. Wednesday, October 3, 2018

    can i tell you a secret 

    im a very happy man.

    theres a pretty girl snoring next to me who loves me and i love her right back.

    we’re good at lots of things and not very good at others.

    but we are good about talking about how we can work on those things, so it helps.

    there are people in her past that she doesn’t want to be like and im all samesies times a million!

    we like totally different foods, which is interesting because sometimes she will order something

    and i will order something and half way through i will have picked around the things i hate

    and we just switch plates and it’s the best.

    meanwhile im working on a secret project thats coming along faster than scheduled

    which is good because thats what ive always told everyone that would happen if i could just

    control my own destiny.

    tomorrow im going to a church, then a lakers game to see king james

    then friday i’ll be at the dodger game with my brother to check out the playoffs

    which will be bittersweet because my cubs but

    weirdly im still very happy

    and it’s in part because of snoring girl, who has this lovely spirit

    she just wants everyone to be happy around her

    and i want the same thing.

    i have always, and i want who ever is reading this to feel the sunshine

    because it does come out

    right after the darkness.

  3. Saturday, September 22, 2018
  4. Monday, September 17, 2018

    why is this man sweating like a dog? 

    because yesterday at wrigley field it was AT LEAST 90 degrees, probably hotter, with no wind in the Windy City, no shade in the center field bleachers for the 1:20pm start, so i had to use a formerly blonde girl as my umbrella which was fine until she melted in my hands like a chocolate Easter bunny left in a parked car in July in Mexico City.

    but i drank Old Style, poured water on my head, hid out beneath the bleachers, and put a Slushie down my shorts. it was Heaven, even though the Cubs didn’t win.

    This was Amber’s first trip to Chicago and I hope she had a good time. When we went to the only stand that serves Old Style, she spotted Nachos on the menu and asked if it came with Pico de Guy-o. i was all, girl these people don’t know what that is. (and they didn’t), instead they said, if you get the nachos in the Cubs helmet it comes with EVERYTHING WE HAVE (for the low price of $20). when we saw the Cubs at Dodger Stadium she had nacho envy any time she spied someone eating out of a helmet so she didnt pass up the chance of eating all that gooey cheese and chili (!) in the Friendly Confines.

    we were there with my long time friend Monica who ive known since the first day of high school, her handsome husband Patrick, and later we met up with Andy Sternberg and his friend (whose brother has been beating me in the busblog fantasy leagues for far too long)

    here we are beneath the bleachers hiding from the heat as we ate and drank and watched the game on tv alongside two football games and enjoying the Cub fans root against the Packers on such a good Sunday it was hard to believe.

    and im telling you ive never sweated so much in my life. i immediately took my shirt off despite my belly that reveals im 7 months pregnant (it’s a boy!) but that did no good. so i took off my pants. then my socks. and finally my fur coat. still the sweat was pouring out of me like i had sprung a leak. speaking of… there was a rumor that gentlemen were no longer allowed to take their shirts off at wrigley any longer, especially in the Bleachers. which was something that i couldn’t wait to get thrown in jail for. because some of my favorite baseball men had bared their boobies in the bleachers in the past.

    the best being mr bill veeck, who planted the ivy on the walls of wrigley way back.

    who had a wooden leg.

    who even though he bought the white sox and turned the old comiskey into such a fun place – despite being riddled with american league bozos and south side fans.

    the point bill was always making, was the same thing that Andrew W.K. makes today, which is life is short, take off your shirt, and party party party because soon we will be dead and in Heaven and we will have to be ready for the ultimate party up there, which probably also does not include shirts or both of our legs. so lets get some practice in now.

    and of course the other is the grand daddy of them all, Mr. Harry Caray who also didn’t have the most Grecian physique but did. not. give. one. fuck. are we not men? and look, the ladies loved him for it. as did the kids. as did the long haired stoners. as did every man woman and child. for fun is universal and man boobs and bellies denote a certain freedom and joie de vreeve that we all admire and desire. so fuck yeah i took my shirt off immediately and wiped my face with it because it was hotter than than a stripper on a mid day pole and i was sweating harder than a long tailed cat at a rocking chair convention. throw me out copper – but they never did for they were hot as hell too.

    which brings us to Old Style.

     

    i am a man of a certain age

    who remembers a time when the bleachers were not always packed (or $70 on stub hub), and people weren’t clamoring to build houses and hotels on the monopoly boards of Clark and Addison.

    indeed, my mom would give teenage me $10 to go to the game, and $3 got us a bleacher seat, $5 got you an old style, and you could probably get a hot dog for $2 and you were in hog heaven. apparently it’s tough to pay millionaires tens of millions more to play for your team with those sorts of prices, and people really do love their beer, so jack up the rates they did. but they also cut certain deals with giant brewers like Budweiser to make them the semi-exclusive distributor of suds in the stands. 

    but somehow even these genius businesspeople know that Old Style is as synonymous to the Cubs as ivy and day games. so ownership, God Bless em, told Bud that they really couldn’t rip Lacrosse Wisconsin’s greatest export from Wrigley, in part because men my age are nostalgic about certain things like our first beer. And we will pay top dollar and we will seek out the one stand beneath the stands that no one goes to, in order to relive their childhood.

    and that stand still exists under the right field bleachers and a portion of the proceeds goes to a special school on the North West Side of town and i guess that made it ok for Budweiser which made it ok with the Cubs which made it ok with the world. so i buy it and drink it and love it. OK?!

    the Brewers lost too which brought the Cubs Magic Number down to 11.  the team travels to AZ today to take on the red hot Diamondbacks as part of a 30-game stretch without a day off. and they are def limping into Bethlehem barely able to scratch a run or two together, but fortunately the pitching is so strong.

    like my B.O.

  5. Wednesday, July 4, 2018

    watched a good movie on amazon prime today 

    it’s a quasi fictional tale about Burt Reynolds, starring Burt Reynolds

    about him going back to where he grew up to reminice and make amends.

    and it reminded me a bit about this last trip to santa barbara because thats where i grew up.

    theres two places that will always hold special places in my heart, the suburbs of illinois

    and isla vista california 93117.

    amber was such a good sport about going to all the places, eating the foods, talking to the people.

    there was a lot we didn’t do, but the things we did do were perfect.

    of note was going to the Arlington to see Jurassic World 2 – and thanks to Movie Pass it was free, which is crazy because that theatre is so magical.

    i took Jeanine there once to see Bob Dylan and it was like being in church. once Karisa and i went up there to see Seinfeld do stand up.

    we went to the courthouse, then up the tower stairs to see the whole damn scene. we went up to Cold Springs Tavern to see where the cowboys used to drink and rob each other. we walked down Del Playa.

    we walked everywhere.

    like Burt, I have had a good, full life. we both posed nude for Cosmo, we both drive cool cars, and we look our best with a hat on.

    tonight is the fourth of July. amber is sleep but soon she will waken and we will either walk up to Griffith Observatory or I will drive us into the Hollywood Hills so we can see LA show us its tailfeather.

    it’s hard to believe how much Trump wants to ruin this great planet.

    maybe he doesn’t have a DP to walk down

    to remind him of where he started to learn everything.

    im so glad i do.

  6. Monday, May 7, 2018

    sometimes you have a good time and you dont even realize it 

    i have no memory of what happened this weekend

    i just know that amber was sick, the cats napped on the foot of the bed

    the workers wrecked my shower and we had to put plastic on the walls to keep it from ruining what the workers had done

    i got a new toaster oven and burned my remaining bagels

    drove downtown a few times

    met a former NSA and CIA director and he said whats up mr XBI

    saw my buddy matt and i drank Francis Ford Coppola’s wine

    watched the Sopranos pilot listened to U2 because i bought us U2 tickets

    drove to AAA this morning bright and early to pay $320 for car registration

    lady goes oh we dont take credit cards (!) so i go wheres a Chase? she says a few blocks

    it was like 6 blocks past every boystown bar and restaurant on Santa Monica Blvd

    it was 69 degrees

    the zipcode of where i walked is 90069

    got back a little sweaty and she gave me my sticker and im all oh yeah

    im tired but in a good way. im old in a new way. i watched donald glover (pictured, right) on SNL while amber snoozed then this morning we watched his new video which disturbed her.

    shes very sensitive.

    im not sure shes gonna make it through all the Sopranos but i hope she does.

    i have a good life. she makes good food. very healthy. i may live after all. we have 2 mile walks and then uber pool home. when we do she tells the driver that im a driver and we talk and she puts it on instagram story.

    im hungry for big things.

    friday i interviewed the genius behind the special effects of star wars. he was really nice to me

    and after it published he all caps wrote me with HIGH PRAISE.

     

  7. Thursday, April 12, 2018

    last night we saw St. Vincent play at the Orpheum 

    at first Amber totally wanted to go. then she asked me when the show was.

    i said hey its 6:30pm, im driving people around via my uber, i cant chat, oh look at that a wayward vehicle. yep. i cant chat. find out and tell me.

    after a while someone told her that the show didnt start until 10:30pm

    she texted me to complain and worry. she worried because she had to wake up at 4am to go to work.

    she enjoys taking the early morning shifts because poof then her day is done.

    only problem is it cramps our late night style.

    she texted me and said Less Is More which a good man would have been able to decipher, but alas i was still driving.

    got back to the pad and it was 9pm. she was napping. she had a wet towel on her head. she looked pretty.

    i said i would normally let you sleep but i hear Vincent was so good the other day that the Catholic Church made her a Saint

    so get up, we gotta go.

    and because ambers a trooper she got it together and put on a slinky dress and some knee high socks

    and we drove downtown. i told her yo after 45 minutes we can leave. in n out. just like always.

    we had great seats and within minutes she was all over me

    im so glad we came, she said and hugged me.

    it was good. sorta like devo. minus the great devo tunes.

  8. Tuesday, April 10, 2018

    for some reason amber and i rarely get time off at the same time 

    she likes to get to work an hour early and stay an hour early

    and she likes to take the bus to work

    then on her days off shes either working out at the yoga studio

    or hiking or volunteering or going to baby showers

    so believe it or not we are rarely alone for long periods of time.

    but yesterday was supposed to be the Cubs home opener

    and ever since i was a boy i would either negotiate a day off with my mom or steam in the classroom like a pouty lad.

    you see back in the day the cubs only played day games when they were at home, so…

    so i got the day off at work and she realized she had sunday and monday off too so i said hey lets take advantage of your hotel discount

    and we shuffled off to palm springs because we wanted somewhere warm where we could lay out by the pool and just relax and hold hands and sleep in and braid each others hair.

    one thing that is pretty fascinating about us is neither of us have much of an agenda when traveling or not traveling. amber likes to eat soup and salads while drinking all the tea in china.

    and i like to drive, drink a coke, and eat the most disgusting things man can create. other than that anything goes. so we had a pretty great time just walking around, driving around, and checking out as many hotels as we could so we would know where to stay on our next journey.

    even though amber works at the waldorf we stayed at the miramonte because it was like 30% cheaper. but when we visited the waldorf palm springs we saw that it was 10x cooler looking in real life than it was in the pictures. also it has 40 little pools. so that may make it into the blog at some point in the future if i dont bore amber with my nonsense.

    speaking of nonsense, the cubs got Snowed out on their opening day and it got moved to today but neither of us felt it would have been responsible to also take today off so i will suffer a little.

    but the trip was so good that i will do so with a smile on my face.

  9. Wednesday, March 21, 2018

    last night amber and i saw Adam Sandler live in concert 

    it was a 2 hour and 40 minute concert stand up show that will soon be on Netflix.

    held in a newly renovated old theater near MaCarthur Park, the joint only held 100 people and because Amber cooperated in rushing across town, we were in the 3rd row

    so you might see us in the film when its released.

    there were many things to love about it

    firstly adams guitar playing is surprisingly good. for a comedian.

    you know how you might go to a party and someone is pretty good but you just go on to the next room because who cares? well the good news is once he stopped playing he told some jokes so dirty that even young amber blushed a bit.

    he also did the saddest song about chris farley.

    it was super good.

    when it was over we drove home and someone had left the stove on. gas flames just fluttering.

    telling us both: your lives are gonna be over soon, party while you can.

    so i slinked into something more comfortable and amber did too and we cuddled up and watched Desus and Mero and then fell asleep watching the Daily Show.

    no matter how glamourous you think other people’s lives are, they’re just like Us.

    then in the middle of the night i experienced something that happens to me about once a year. all this bile in my gut finds a path to my throat while im snoozing. and there it tries to suffocate me. but then the angel in the outfield whispers: wake up fool.

    but last night it also said, and dont barf on the pretty girl.

    and i leapt up and aimed at the carpet.

    and the barf hit the side of  the bed and the oriental throw rug. and not the blonde.

    thankfully.

    and in the morning neither of us remembered what happened that well. which is why i have video cams on at all times.

    in vivid colour.

  10. Tuesday, March 13, 2018

    we had hot n juicy last night 

    amber was all, fuck these gloves

    lets just eat with our dirty ass fingers

    so we took off the plastic protectors

    spilled the crawfish and shrimp and sausage and corn and potatoes on the plastic tarp of the table

    we slid our sodas aside

    and she dug in

    i shoved my face right in there

    people stared and when i came up i said mgmmagajldsajklddsjklsd

    motown was playing

    eighteen basketball games were on the tvs

    they were selling free calendars at the register. but the best thing was they had a sink

    outside

    of the bathroom so you could just wash your hands and fingers and nostrils right there

    without having to go into a stinky litrene

    genious

    and now i have leftovers that my man josh says i should toss into an omelette.

    hot n juicy: corner of santa monica and la brea next to the target