nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, February 15, 2018

    shes a good girl, crazy about elvis 

    so i was all lets get lost

    and as prepared as you think you might be

    theres always something’s you dont account for:

    the traffic on the 405 to the LBC

    that your roku batteries might not be good

    or that you left your lighter on the coffee table.


    if she really is a good girl, she will be all

    i have a lighter.

    and finally you start to see why purses are so valuable.

    amber is from the valley and one thing i will attribute to her birthplace is

    it doesnt matter how your pad is laid out

    or how big the suite is

    she will dump her makeup on the floor (!)

    sit right down on the hardwood or carpet

    and go to town.

    here we are on the 29th floor of a four decade old hotel and as soon as she got out of the shower, there she was bareassed on the purple carpet as if it was no biggie

    maybe it is no biggie

    maybe the indians would have done exactly the same thing if they were transported back in time.

    maybe i am thinking like a small minded fool.

    the other day we drove cheech to his home and on the way he told us about this pho restaurant at caesars thats opened late

    so amber is slipping into the tightest dress ive ever seen

    which means i will either look like her pimp

    or her John

    because all i have is some ripped jeans and a motorhead tshirt.

    but at least i have a lighter.

  2. Wednesday, February 14, 2018

    sometimes oprah sends amber flowers 

    she is a good girl.

    yesterday i met her near Rodeo after work. it is nice to work near each other.

    i was all, today is your birthday, where would you go if this was your last day on Earth?

    she said !!!!

    i said, no, for dinner?

    all through the day i had been conferring with the ladies at work where to take her. some mentioned this fancy restaurant, others suggested another one.

    so i was prepared.

    but i wasnt ready for her answer.

    CHEESECAKE FACTORY she squealed.

    i was all, ok. but what would you eat there?

    she said salad AND CHEESECAKE!

    so we drove over to the Grove and there was a big line of traffic, she said i hate traffic lets get some pho instead. so i drove that way. on the way she said you know what id really love to do right now? shop at the 99 Cent Store. i was all, you really are a dream come true. what do you want there? she said celery. AND CHEESECAKE! so we drove to the one on La Brea and walked around and all was well. and when it was over and she allowed me to pay her $14 bill, she said, ok im done. lets eat.

    then she said, did you know today is Fat Tuesday? i said no. she said what food would be good for that? i said shrimp!

    so we ended up at Seafood Express which is not romantic, def not something id see written about in Oprah’s magazine, and the furthest thing from what the ladies of the office suggested, and trust me when i tell you that they let me have it today at work when i reported back.

    but man the food was good and we got to see the ice skaters do their thing as we dined on soup and spicy garlicness.

    so heres to amber on her birthday and i hope she continues to embrace her true self.

  3. Monday, December 25, 2017

    today is Christmas 

    and all around the world little kids are setting up video games and trains and drones and

    saving for college and learning how to play guitar, just like in olden times.

    amber asks for things, and i usually say no.

    she wanted a tree, she wanted stockings over the fireplace, she wanted the fireplace to have fire

    no, no, no.

    then she said lets go to midnight mass.

    being raised catholic but then reading the bible i was all, hey the Church basically lied to me as a kid, screw that noise.

    and for the last 25 years instead of going to church i would read the bible for an hour because the Gospel reading was my favorite part of church.

    but amber, like most of us, has taken a rocky road to get to where she is today, and i figured, why not go to midnight mass

    why the f not!

    so i picked her up at work last night at 10:20pm, she was wearing this super tight very short dress, and i had on my evening wear. i had researched various midnight mass services and saw there was one in hollywood that would have a choir and a 12 piece string quartet. little did i know the pipe organ was going to be on full blast too.

    it was really nice. valet. at the foot of runyon. and best of all it started at 11pm.

    got there. sat on the side. couldnt understand a word the dude was saying. but they had the whole service typed up in a 16 page miselette and  damn the music was great. a combo of old school, new school, and christmas carols. they did parts in latin

    and mama mia were they generous on the incense. almost like they thought if we dont shake it 10 times in this corner of the church, old Satan himself is gonna sneak in.

    well the preacher missed a spot because as Amber and I got to the altar to kneel and accept our communion, first the priest gave me a wafer and then the chalice of wine. amber, being sober, waved off the wine, but then this lady priest showed up and gave her a second wafer, dipped it in the wine, pushed her foot in amber’s eye and shoved the dripping wafer right down her pretty mouth.

    then the incense dude blew some on us.

    we left soon after that, tipped the valet, and opened presents before the clock struck 1.

    merry Christmas!!!!

  4. Wednesday, November 15, 2017

    and another one 

    last night around 4am i woke up because i was having pains in my lower back and i had a shortness of breath.

    i went to the bathroom but i knew what it was, especially when i couldn’t pee: kidney stones.


    i fuddled around my pad trying to prepare for the super long wait in the ER and doing my best not to wake up Amber. but i failed at everything.

    i couldn’t find my sweat pants, i couldn’t find my cubs knit hat and i disturbed the pretty girl, who then put on her clothes and walked me to Kaiser Permanente, where i had delivered my previous two stones.

    that’s right, in four years working for the Academy, i have now had three kidney stones.

    i try to be a cool customer, and most of the time i pull it off but the two block walk was endless. every step hurt and when we finally made it to the hospital and they told us to go upstairs and walk to the ER i began crying.

    for so many reasons.

    the biggest reason is i know what is needed to end the pain: heroin. they dont call it that in the hospital, they call it Demerol or Morphine or some other less hysterical name but it’s heroin and once they inject it into you, your body relaxes, you get super pukey, and then you drift off into a beautiful daze.

    but when you enter the hospital, if you mention pain killers even once, the machine stops and you will be delayed your sweet reward for at least an hour. trust me, i know.

    so you suck it up. and it makes you cry because if you are someone like me who is not shy about communication, it kills you not to say, “please just one shot in the ass and we can do all the other things.”  because if you say that they think you’re an addict and uggggghhhhh.

    we get to the window and thank God i was already in the system due to the previous visits and Lord Above they don’t make me do any paperwork. Also, blessings upon blessings, theres only one other person in the entire waiting room.

    so a nurse hooks me up to the blood pressure machine and murphys law it doesnt seem to wanna work so im moaning and crying and writhing around in the seat. inside all i want to do is say “BRO MY BLOOD PRESSURE IS 1000 over 10 million, lets make this happen!” but you have to be cool.

    and cry. just keep crying. just let it out, which is just as bad as the pain for me because why am i crying? im crying because this is death. i am totally out of control, i am at the mercy of people who are up at 4am who cant even get their GD blood pressure machine to work and im gonna die right there on Sunset Blvd. im crying because no doctor or specialist has been able to tell me how to avoid this. im crying because theres a pretty girl listening to me not be cool.

    my BP is 178 over 125. HAPPY EVERYONE?

    they take me to room 10. amber helps me out of my shirt. im laying on the gurney and im just moaning like a bear who has been shot in the fucking head but he aint dead yet. theres a few other people in this part of the ER and because i am highly sensitive in all areas at this point i can hear them all saying, what the hells wrong with that guy?

    and fortunately Amber parts the curtains and very politely asks a nurse, can we do something about this pain?


    then the longest ten minutes in human history passed and finally a nurse came in with a cocktail of morphine, anti-puke meds, high blood pressure pills, and a shot of rum.

    it cut right through the pain. but naggingly it was still there. they asked me to pee, and i peed. lawdy lawdy did i pee.

    i peed so much i felt like maybe the stone was gone. but no i could still feel it. so they took me to the cat scan where i met a man who looked like all my relatives. and it turned out he was from DC. so we chatted, and took a picture together but when i got up i doubled over.

    then a nurse came in and asked what the pain level was. i said it was a 10 then a 2 now we are back up to 8. and they gave me another dose of morphine and i drifted into a nether land.

    before i floated too far, i said, amber, if i fall asleep just go home. youve been awake since 4:20, no need for you to soldier through this. but she went to starbucks and came back. i had a phone that could get tv shows. she wasnt interested and soon the doc said i was free to go.

    but life isnt fair and the hospital pharmacy doesn’t allow me to get drugs there so we took a Lyft to the Walgreens a few miles away. and i felt so good.


    i felt like i had delivered a baby and it had already graduated college.

    the contrast between ultimate pain and a quick lack of pain was bizarre and slightly unnerving. how can we feel like we are going to die at 6am but at 9am alls kool and the gang? got the meds, took one of the pain pills and drifted off again.

    and then slept and slept.

    so whats the lesson: simple. always have a little stash of heroin around the house just incase.


    tomorrow morning i have to be in santa monica at 8:30am to fight a traffic ticket. i wonder if i pass out.

  5. Saturday, November 11, 2017

    the difference between being black and white in a grocery store 

    amber is as sweet as can be, and has no problem parading around in tight, revealing clothes at times

    so when i overheard her say hi to a security guard at the grocery store the other day i barely noticed.

    then she did something i would never do in a million years in any store:

    she opened the pocket of her bag, put something in it

    and clasped that pocket shut.

    immediately i said, what on earth did you do?

    she said, I put my phone in my bag.

    i said, did you do it very slowly with nothing else in your hand so the Eye in the Sky could clearly see it?

    she laughed on me and went on her way.

    a little while later i noticed that she had placed in the cart two containers of Juice that helps you fall asleep.

    i asked, oh are you afraid you wont get drowsy tonight?

    (sleeping with me is an exciting thrill ride, let me tell you)

    a minute or two later i saw the security guard again.

    later in line i put the juices on the conveyer belt, but one was empty.

    she said, “oh i drank one while we were shopping” and smiled.

    when we got home i was all, thats why that guard was following you, you were putting things in your bag, you were drinking things in the store, if you were black you would have been arrested and searched.

    she said, i do those things all the time.

    i said if you were black you would be dead.

    she thought i was kidding. i am not kidding.

  6. Friday, November 10, 2017

    i had the most realistic and terrifying dream the other night 

    i looked out my window and there was a mountain

    there was a fire on the mountain.

    basically the mountain was on fire.

    and up and down the mountain, emotionless were demons

    who knows what they were doing but they were hunched over

    marching. taking things up and down. like worker ants.

    the sky was dark and smokey.

    in retrospect i could have been in Hell already

    but in the dream i thought, shit, this is The Reckoning

    This is Judgement Day.

    and i had always thought that the Righteous would be able to step out into that war zone and raise our hands and say here i am Lord, let’s GTFO of here

    but i was terrified. there was no hope for me. those demons would eventually come down that mountain for me.

    i had sinned and was unforgiven

    and unsaved.

    it was so crystal clear and horrible.

    yesterday i told amber about the dream and she said you have been so good to me and so many others, that dream isn’t true.

    but it seemed so true.

    it was Bosch come alive. i was in it.

    and she turned to the Garden of Earthly Delights which i had recently hung above the bed

    and she said maybe you should take that down.

  7. Monday, October 9, 2017

    Matt & Lynda say hi 

    when i first moved to LA in 1984 I immediately fell in love with the LA Weekly because it not only told me all the cool bands that were playing at all the clubs

    but it employed two comics that were so good it was ridiculous: Matt Groening’s “Life in Hell” and Lynda Barry’s “Ernie Pook’s Comeek”.

    the Weekly also ran David Lynch’s comic “The Angriest Dog in the World” which was also bizarre and awesome, but Matt and Lynda’s, despite being regularly dark in tone, often revealed a heart of gold.

    last night long time chums (since college!) Matt and Lynda came to the beautiful Ace Hotel and talked and showed slides of their life and work and just were delightful.

    Matt talked about how he came about transitioning from his Weekly strip to TVs longest running sitcom and Lynda talked about creativity and  drawing with both hands at the same time and drawing with your eyes closed.

    the crowd was in to it but the place was not at all full. Some young people were there and not impressed. but i was. here were two people who have made careers about of being weird and delightful and creative and dark.

    i want that. i am that. i can be that too. but will i ever be able to get paid handsomely for it?

    it made me think of my buddy todd francis and also jason ross. neither have had to sell out. both can be just as juvenile as they please AND feed their families.

    isn’t that what this is all about?

    afterwards Amber and i went to Mr. Ramen. then drove through Echo Park. then took pictures.

    she was such a good sport because she didn’t really know Lynda and all her books and her novel

    but she sat there and laughed and all was well.

    this morning i woke up at 6am to drive some Lyft passengers around.

    Lyft had a promotion to get us out of bed. double the fares.

    it got me out of bed.

    i made $80 with just two rides.

    and the second ride got me back home pretty much.

    where i am right now watching amber put on a little white dress in my closet.

    life could be worse.

  8. Sunday, August 27, 2017

    was having a moral dilemma about stealing the fight 

    i had a pretty decent stream coming thru the ipad

    and no way was i gonna pay $100 for a fight that might end in one minute

    but on the other hand render unto The Money Team whats the Money Team’s.


    i dont wanna use my powers for evil.

    so the pretty girl was laying there getting ready to go out dancing

    and i said hey lets go to this bar and watch the fight there so i dont feel like a terrible person

    and in like 3 minutes we were in a lyft going down Sunset to 33 taps in Silver Lake because i figured, who knows, maybe the used-to-be gay bar Good was really a sorta sports bar after all.

    sure enough all 20 of their tvs were on the fight and they cranked the sound so you could hear it in the parking lot. which was convenient since about 50 of us were out there watching it through bushes and tall people.

    i was super thirsty and there was a liquor store two doors down but we had a good spot next to a see-through-able bush and i was under the impression that the bout wouldn’t last 5 minutes.

    it was nice to be around the people.

    one of the people was a whiny young lady who had poured a can of beer into a Starbucks cup.

    during the intro to the fight she kept saying nasty things about the scene, the matchup, even the singer of the national anthem, miss demi lovato.

    but after the first round when mcgregor showed hints of not being the pushover many thought he’d be, she was trying to get as close to the bushes as we were.

    every connected punch was accompanied by an OOoooooo from the crowd inside and out.

    most of whom were rooting for the boxer Mayweather.

    who, when he did win, was roundly cheered by the audience.

    there were four very upset

    white dudes

    who stormed out of the bar quickly after the fight, cussing.

    one even pushed a woman who was in his way.

    i believe they lost money on the event.

    which, to me, seems impossible.

    we walked home and took this pic.

  9. Thursday, August 10, 2017

    took amber to see her hero Lady Gaga last night at the Forum 

    Lady Gaga
    The Fabulous Forum
    The Joanne Tour

    is Lady Gaga a genius? hmmmm. i have seen her perform live now four times. the first was with Yoko Ono which was magical.

    the last time I saw her was a few years ago with amber and it was less than magical.

    last night there were moments that were super emotional and it made me think that despite all the glitz and showwomanship and glitter and whoha, what Lady Gaga should do is an acoustic tour with maybe a small string section.

    Because when Gaga strips it down her voice is one of the best there is. She can belt out tunes so easily it’s crazy.

    Since she writes everything she performs, she knows precisely where the notes are going and she is like Michael Jordan

    she approaches the climax but gets bored along the way and switches hands, spins, and dunks it home

    seemingly to entertain herself, first, and then the ever-appreciative crowd.

    all of that gets lost with the video screens and weird fake clouds and lasers and dancers and band that she thinks so little of that she didn’t even introduce or acknowledge them last night.

    is Gaga a good dancer? no. her moves consist of an advanced version of The Robot.

    her costumes aren’t even that outrageous any more.

    there once was a time when Elton John, David Bowie, and even Motely Crue outdressed their audience, but Gaga is outshined by her Little Monsters every night – fashion wise


    what’s not ok is IF she is a genius, it’s being overshadowed by layers and layers of production

    last night she was almost literally stepping over her fans in the general admission arena floor to walk over to the second stage on the far end of the Forum to appease the people in the cheap seats.

    while it’s admirable to give love to the people in the nosebleeds, maybe the worst “seats” for this tour are the ones on the floor because either Gaga is on a riser on the stage that’s constantly in motion or she’s strutting on a temporary bridge above them.

    we originally sat slightly behind the stage (because im a cheap bastard and the $200 face-value tix were going for $75 on Stubhub) but after a few tunes we realized that we really should dance ourway to a more practical section.

    The Lord was looking down on us and lead us to maybe the best seats in the house, middle, lower, right on an aisle next to two middle aged fans who, when asked, informed us that no one had sat there all night.

    in front of us was a mom with her 7-8 year old daughter.

    the mom valiantly tried to cover her darling angels eyes during an R-rated video montage (used so Gaga could do a costume change, of which there were 3-4 through the night). Later she covered her ears when the singer talked about how she was going through a phase of “owning my Inner Whore.”

    even though there were a sprinkling of grade school kids here and there, at these prices, the kids were rightfully left at home.

    and if anything this show was meant for The Gays, and they were in attendance in full force.

    Before sitting down to her see-through colorful grand piano she asked if there were any members of the LGBTQ

    pretty much the whole place erupted.

    Hers is a very loving, accepting, free-spirited environment where All Are Welcome and it is very much an evening to dance.

    But, she is such an overwhelmingly talented performer that it rarely comes across in a setting with booming bass, pyrotechnics, and endless array of distractions.

    While it’s obvious that she is doing an excellent job of appeasing her base, when she actually started playing that technicolor piano, the well meaning mom gushed with tears as Gaga performed an acoustic version of “Edge of Glory”. When the singer hesitated a beat to compose herself, the audience sang the next line in unison which sent chills down my back and made the mom cry even more.

    THAT is what you can do when your audience loves you, has memorized every word, and does not need the crutch of production to be connected to you.

    didn’t touring with Tony Bennett teach you anything girl?

    If I had any advice to Gaga it would be: do a tour where you play guitar for a few tunes, then piano for the rest, then during the encore have a 20 minute dance party.

    last night there were 0 encores, 0 opening acts, 0 intermissions and even though the Forum Facebook page said she would start at 7:30p, the show started well after that.

    still, today, I keep humming

    “Just Dance.. do do do do do…”

  10. Monday, July 3, 2017

    aj was all im house sitting and this pool is so empty 

    so i threw down my Cubs hat and said


    amber was all, can i come? i was like, do you have a bikini?

    she said, do i.

    all of us are straight edge so aj had kumbucha, amber had ice tea and i brought over two bottles of mexi-Fanta Grape soda.

    we stood in the remarkably warm pool and told amber about our first encounters with Os, who we agreed had miraculously only become handsomer as time has gone on.

    and then we adjourned to the hot tub. AJ’s Bose speaker made my Amazon branded bluetooth speaker insecure and pouty. it was not at all as booming and beautiful as her Bose. in fairness the Amazon cost about 1/3 of the Bose, but music is something one should invest in.

    at some point we got hungry. the Oinkster down the street seemed like a perfectly ridiculous option. then i said, i know a sushi joint in Pasadena. the food isn’t great but theres little boats that circle the sushi chefs and it’s funny to watch.

    that one got the most votes and the food was better than i remembered.

    bonus: we got to watch Max Scherzer toss 7 shut out innings on a little tv hanging on a wall.

    today i take the cats to the vet for their annual check up.

    Michael has some bite marks on her neck and i want to make sure they arent the work of Vampires.