anna came over, she said she was worried

why do you have Merrick Garland as your Facebook profile pic? she asked.

how did you get in my house? i said in my pajamas holding a dripping flap jack flapper in one hand and a cat in the other.

ive had your key for 15 years busblog!

she looked good. she always does. but im a sucker mc. i try not to let pretty girls to get away with murder but i always give in. it might be my biggest flaw.

i said whats wrong with having merrick garland as my pic?

she said come ON, i love you because you’re way more than politics.

i was all baby the house is on fire the street is on fire.

the fire is on fire!

how am i supposed to talk about the new 2 Chainz joint or even an old one if all my records have melted because my entertainment station is on fire?!?!

she said i was over reacting. and my pancakes were on fire.

the cat leapt out of my hands, scratching me a little.

i said you have it made, youre american youre russian you dont mind peeing on girls in front of fat guys. your taxes are about to go down. but let me tell you something about those taxes of yours: theyre about to catch fire.

and then we made love on my waterbed because it was almost the same as a hot tub because the waterbed was on fire too.

and for that minute i was amazing.

anna keeps sending me pictures as if

annalast night when i was driving a nice nanny home jeanine called so i put her on speaker

she was telling me that she wasnt coming home and i said fine. when it was over she said ok, i love you!

i replied likewise and when we hung up i explained to my passenger who jeanine was and that she was sleeping on my couch temporarily.

oh how sweet that you still tell each other you love each other.

i said yeah.

the lady told me that where she’s from (el salvador), when a relationship is over there is no i love yous any more.

i said, america is sorta the same, but there are exceptions.

it depends, i told her, on how the relationship was and how it ended.

i told her that when jeanine and i were over we had a breakup party and three bands played.

maria the nanny had a hard time comprehending it.

i said, it was a different time. pre 9/11, pre-internet. we were lucky to have cable tv

she said, but bands? i said yeah, rock n roll was still alive.

i said but there are other exes that i dont care to hear from any more, like anna.

then i told her about anna and then handed her my cell phone and opened the text messages.

almost every day this woman sends you pictures of herself.

si, i said.

pretty girl! she said, with a wink and handed it back.

i said looks are deceiving, as is anna, which is why i dont really respond and why i would have a very hard time trusting her again, which is why it’s best to move on.

maria’s accent was thick, but she did understand everything

and as she got out she said, i love you tony

and winked.

dear tony, what’s going on with Anna?

anna kournikovaTony, 

Long time reader of the busblog. Going back, wow, 10 years now. I remember checking in and reading you talk about your then-girlfriend Anna Kournakova.

What’s happening these days with her?

Is she alive? I never see her in magazines or TV?

Curious George

Dear George,

they say our tastes change every seven years or so. there was a time i didnt like broccoli or blondes or russians or sassy babes but then those things changed.

now i actually pay real money for broccoli.

anna started dating a boybander about a decade ago and he never made an honest woman out of her and she never really transitioned into becoming a bigger celebrity after she retired from pro tennis, so would she have been better off with a blogger? duh.

because beauty starts with the heart she’s still a knockout who still loves short skirts and dresses and long boots and long hair and still sends me snaps from time to time because doesnt everyone?

do i miss her? no. do i wish her well? meh. im not sure our lives are meant to just be in someone else’s shadow all the time. i think that goes for our kids our bfs/gfs or our spouses. i think we can do it all and have it all. i think some of us are meant to shine – and not just in our 20s and 30s – but all the time.

anna is a jewel who is in a little box in florida. what good is that? what a waste if you ask me. jewels shouldnt be wasted. but we all knew this was gonna happen the minute she got serious with the pretty boy. oh well.

i get scared

goose bumpsit’s how i know im not dead.

i have a feeling one of two things happens

when we die

either we turn into worm food and get recycled

or we go to Heaven and party hearty.

something tells me that if theres an awesome kickass

omniscient being,

capable of creating gravity

and waterfalls

and rainbows

and bootyshorts

He’s not going to bother himself with some sort of

medieval Hell

to punish people

for eternity.

i think he’d just recycle the wicked.

therefore i know im still alive when im freaked out.

in a strange way it’s a good feeling

to feel my heart beat

the hairs to rise on my neck

and goosebumps to appear

on her legs.

in LA.

as summer stretches and yawns across may

tom waits would like a word with you about privacy

tom waits

i have been known to test a lady or two.

subtle pop quiz, nothing serious.

for example one day i put on a tom waits album to see if the poor creature would be able to withstand making out with me


listening to one a finer vintage of Waits’. Rain Dogs or Franks Wild Year i think.

its not that he doesnt have his romantic moments. of course he does. its just as todd martens said

“you cant just throw on Tom Waits and dim the lights, you have to curate it.”

with that said, Napa’s Shakespeare has a funny way of announcing when his new ish is fixin to drop

as he did today, brilliantly, on the YouTubes

theres two ways to live yr life

either you can be completely courageous and transparent in what you do and say

or you can be like me and hide behind nothing in here is true.

anna kournikova called me today while i was at work and i was all omg

she was all Riiiiight?

then i was all !!!!!!!!!!!!!

and she went  :)

which made me super stoked so i was like ;)

and she LOLed

hows enirique i asked.

meh she said.

which im just gonna let sink in for a while

if you dont mind.

anna kournikova wrote me today

usc cheerleaders

but f that ho

– im still mad at her for blowing me off on my birthday and she sorta made up for it by writing me a super hot email today which she told me to look at People dot com where she said that she read my blog post about ashley and her upcoming nuptuals and told the gossip rag “i will never get married“. but she still has boy band germs so she can step.

– the new york mets are gigantic quitters. they had a chance to be cool by rickrolling themselves for their 8th inning (!) song, but now theyre giving up on the 80s hit.

– now heres how you get people to vote for you: Barack Hussein Obama claims he would immediately review any crimes in the Bush white house if elected president. fuck gold, if that happens im investing in popcorn.

– yes there was a school that caught fire in uganda that killed a bunch of children and some adults. no our girl chris was not at said school.

– remember that marilyn monroe sex tape – defamer convinces us tonight that its probably just a big fat hoax. but i still have my fingers crossed!

– wednesday is the LA Times’ biggest blogger’s birthday. why dont you wish the big fella a happy bday?

– did you know you can turn your iTouch into an iPhone and make free (or super cheap) phone calls? the internet never stops giving.

– reason #4578 why im glad i didnt go to berkeley

– not that *i* can afford these cars, but it’s nice to know that there are still some classic muscle cars that cost less than $25k even if theyre in excellent condition

hi anna kournikova


im not talking to you.

how come?

oh i dont know, why dont you ask your girlfriend kristin dunst!

oh come on, dont be ridiculous. shes so not my style.

i hate you.

i heard you got hurt again yesterday in the second set.

rub it in, tony. good job.

i was going to say that i am sorry to hear that you are out again after missing so many tournaments trying to rehab.

i dont need your pity.

it’s not pity.

fine, your sympathy, whatever.

so i cant say that im sorry that youre injured.

no, you cant say it. you cant say anything! specifically because im not TALKING TO YOU!

you looked cute in your new outfit.

still not talking to you.

whats with the blue though, you’ve been doing blue for years now. remember yellow? remember green? red? why not use some more of the pallette?

im going to come to hollywood and knock down your door and strangle you. do you understand me?

anna theres nothing going on between me and kristin dunst, why do you want to start wars all the time.

ok, YOU, tony pierce are the one putting skanky ass hos on your page pretending to have conversations with them. shes not even pretty.

she is so pretty.

and she has saggy boobs

if she was your friend you wouldnt say that.

i wouldnt be friends with a skank like her.

how is she a skank? she plays sweet girls in all her roles.

get it on?

that’s bring it on, and she played a sweet cheerleader.

please stop talking to me

if you didnt want people to talk to you, why are you on Instant Messenger?

i totally super hate you.

who else are you chatting with?

x minus you

anna kournikova called me while i was watching tv

kournikova this morning. she heard the maria sharpanova tennis match on in the background and hung up. later she called to apologize. i said, isnt that rico suave in the background, you know, your man? she changed the subject and said she had a Boyfriend Application that she was gonna send me.

but only if i promised not to put it on my blog.

i said i know youre reverse psychologing me and she giggled.

Name: dumbass
Age: 113 (114 on 10/22)
Location: hollyweird
Height: 5’10”
Hair color: skin
Eyes: without a face
Piercings/tattoos: if it wasnt against the bible? no & hella

1. Where would we go on dates? strip clubs, horse tracks, roller rinks, speak easys, buddhist temples, state fairs, hawaiis
2. Who are three of your favorite bands/artists? tsar, sex pistols, andy warhol
3. Do you drink/smoke?? yes/no
4. Do you like the beach? in theory
5. If so…would you go with me late at night? you know the freaks come out at night
6. Do you like movies? very few
7. If so would you stay up and watch them with me all night? at my age you’re lucky if i can do anything all night
8. If you were to take me out to a movie would we watch the movie? probably
9. If not what would we be doing? sleeping
10. Do you play an instrument? yep
11. If so…what? skin flute. baritone, thanks.
12. Would you call me right after we saw eachother to make sure i made it home alright? no, thats what Jesus is for.
13. How would you rate your hugs from 1-10? i still need some practice
14. Favorite body part on a girl? skirt
15. What would you say is the best thing about yourself? my gonads are so hot
16. Do you have any reps (ie: heartbreaker, player, slut)? recently i was called a hit whore. jealous.
17. Would you give me kisses just because? theres a reason for all of my kisses.

What Would You do if…
I cried: yawn
I said I liked you: doubt it
I kissed you: harden
I wanted to bone you: dare you/
I touched your ass: call your mom
I was hospitalized: steal yr meds
I ran away from home: realized i was dating teens again
I got in a fight and you were there: call the play-by-play
I got dumped: put on my dennis rodman jersey
I pissed you off: try to hold it in but fail

What Do You Think Of My…
Personality: eh
Eyes: hot
Face: eh
Hair: hot
Clothes: too binding
Voice: super hot, i love accents
Humor: i laugh at everything
Choice of music: youre a girl, its not your fault
Manners: your parents raised you right
Friends: your friends are the girls id never date. ever. unless to get even.
Decisions: you need a new magic 8 ball, cuz your current one sucks

Would You…
Be my friend: sure, but then the terrorists win
Tell me the truth no matter what: i only lie in my blog
Buy me a birthday gift: busblog panties are in the mail
Lie to make me feel better: but you dont look fat in that
Spread rumors about me: to who? the entire interwebs? nah.
Go out at 4am to get me chocolate: stoner. yes.
Keep a secret if I told you one: id probably forget your secret after 10 mins
Loan me some cash: you make like 10,000x what i make, but sure.
Hold my hand: my second favorite thing to do with girls
Keep in touch: depends on how nice you were to me
Make me a snack: id rather make you wet, but fine, youre a snack.
Try and solve my problems: my specialty
Love me: does lust count?
Makeout with me: more than you probably can stand
Hold me in times of need: while playing weezers “hold me”? sure.
Ditch me: not without fair warning
Use me: todays modern woman is so willing theres no need to use them
Ask me out: lets go out baby
Date me: dates are what its all about
Bone me: only if you beg and wear that ho outfit
Makeout with me whenever you had the chance: i always have the chance
Hold me and make my problems go away: the only problem you have is youre not here.

jessica + pitt costello + krista + foxxy