busblog

nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, August 31, 2006

    Wow, holy high school cafeteria argument. 

    drew with mr tJust go sit at another table. – Meags

    tel me about it baby, but such is my so called life.

    if this was a real diary and not a nothing in this is true blawg id say

    oh dear diary,

    tonight anna and i were supposed to go to the rock n roll show at the avalon.

    and not just any show, but the format who i love and despite whatever issues i had with jana pants while she was here, the worst of all being her dancing around in her underwares while i was trying to write i mean omg. but despite that she has the greatest taste in music of all.

    in the short period of time that she was here she turned me on to blood meridian, blood brothers, and best of all the format who are over dramatic and happy and just so good it ought to be musical theatre. like if radiohead ate meatloaf and shit a brass section out.

    produced by steve macdonald of redd kross

    of course.

    ridiculously perfect.

    fucker probably had a boner for the entire session.

    i told jeff whalen that it sounded like a grown up version of the pooh sticks.

    queen humping the arcade fire at the bequest of scissor sisters.

    odds of you turning gay are high but the odds of you taking a chick like anna kournikova to it and getting laid are even higher.

    but alas suddenly something suddenly came up and its hard to argue with a girl who actually has a life, not to mention a boyfriend, but the timing is horrible, for now its four twenty and im depressed, not just because i wanted to see this band but see it with her because

    if i take clipper girls cousin she will say something so clipper girls cousin like see tony this is why i love you of which i will have to say something so tony which is read my lips no new taxes which rhymes with i dont love you.

    and if i go alone i will be sad the whole time.

    oh diary why does my life need to sucksorz. i cant wait to join the marines.

    id put lines like that in my diary to see if my mom was reading it.

    xoxoxo

    tony

  2. Monday, April 10, 2006

    hi anna kournikova 

    im not talking to you.

    how come?

    oh i dont know, why dont you ask your girlfriend kristin dunst!

    oh come on, dont be ridiculous. shes so not my style.

    i hate you.

    i heard you got hurt again yesterday in the second set.

    rub it in, tony. good job.

    i was going to say that i am sorry to hear that you are out again after missing so many tournaments trying to rehab.

    i dont need your pity.

    it’s not pity.

    fine, your sympathy, whatever.

    so i cant say that im sorry that youre injured.

    no, you cant say it. you cant say anything! specifically because im not TALKING TO YOU!

    you looked cute in your new outfit.

    still not talking to you.

    whats with the blue though, you’ve been doing blue for years now. remember yellow? remember green? red? why not use some more of the pallette?

    im going to come to hollywood and knock down your door and strangle you. do you understand me?

    anna theres nothing going on between me and kristin dunst, why do you want to start wars all the time.

    ok, YOU, tony pierce are the one putting skanky ass hos on your page pretending to have conversations with them. shes not even pretty.

    she is so pretty.

    and she has saggy boobs

    if she was your friend you wouldnt say that.

    i wouldnt be friends with a skank like her.

    how is she a skank? she plays sweet girls in all her roles.

    get it on?

    that’s bring it on, and she played a sweet cheerleader.

    please stop talking to me

    if you didnt want people to talk to you, why are you on Instant Messenger?

    i totally super hate you.

    who else are you chatting with?

    x minus you

    sk smith + faith fools + pshrink

  3. Thursday, October 7, 2004

    anna kournikova got me on the instant messager 

    kournikovatoday and we worked out our differences.

    a while back i had written her an email which she said hurt her.

    one that i had no intention of hurting her.

    “well you did hurt me, and it hurt.” she said.

    i always forget that i have a way with words. sometimes i have a bad way with words. i always forget that people look at my words much differently than i do.

    i think im a bettern average writer, certainly not great, but lots of people feel like i have thrown lightening bolts at them when im riled up.

    maybe some of you have the same self-esteem issues that i have about your writing. but the truth is i have a very hard time looking at it once its done.

    i am trying to put together Blook II for your asses and its almost impossible.

    not only is my computer set up at home so bad that its nearly crippling, but the misery of having to look back at all the crappy boring dullardly bullshitty bullshit that i type during my 15 minute work breaks in search of enough material for a 150 page book is definately not on my short list of things to do when i come home after a hard day in the helicopter.

    but i made a promise to hit two home runs in the world series to a sick little boy named chokey and i fucking hate that.

    murphys law, if i promise i will do something that takes even the slightest bit of effort i wont do it.

    remember that How To Vote video that you all loved so? david asked me to write “anything” about voting, i said, sure i’ll have something by tomorrow. took me a week to get around to that.

    what sort of fool am i.

    i love writing. i love blogging. i love reading your blog, but i cant really read my own. its nuts.

    maybe its because i know how these stories will end. maybe its because some of whats in here is true and truth sucks. maybe its because i look at these words and i dont see the talent that some of you see and when i get my confidence up enough to actually sit infront of businesses and websites and present my writing and my ideas to them they balk. every time.

    ive pitched a blog for three web sites over these last two weeks. nobody said, tony we love your writing, we’ll take you as a writer, but we cant do a blog just yet. all they say is no.

    which is good. its fine. i go back to the blog and type and expect nobody to fawn over me. i go back to outlook and write people emails like anna and dont think anything will happen.

    and then i find out that when i write things it moves people in positive ways, and i find out certain things hurt others and i feel like the black guy in full metal jacket who cant even get pussy off the ho cuz hes too beaucoup,

    and hes got to unzip to, for the first time in his life probably, prove that his magnificent specimen is pure alabama black snake but it ain’t too gd beaucoup.

    danielle called me today from her beachside paradise of san diego telling me that she misses me and wants me to come down to see her and i said what if i mailed my camera down there and she said why dont you just rent a car and we can go to la fonda in baja mexico and i didnt say yes.

    cuz im dumb.

    so dumb.

    which is why i think my words have no power

    for if they did anna kournikova wouldnt be waiting tonight for enrique to come home from the go go

    shed be waiting for tony to come home from the speckled streets of hollywood.

    pax gitmo + isou + new gen films + kerry haters for kerry “he’ll do

  4. Wednesday, May 5, 2004

    everything i ever wanted to know about sex i learned from anna kournikova. 

    start with the hair. pull it. yank it. and when you do it bite at the neck like youre pissed off at something. if you cant think of anything to be pissed off about think about who is actually biting anna kournikova’s neck. that should do the trick.

    next learn how to breathe. breathe on the off beats. if you’d normally breathe out when you push, breathe in. if you breathe around her ear or shoulders she might even like it. when in doubt go faster.

    dont forget to think about anything except fucking. think about the fcc think about flags waving think about library stacks think about leaves blowing around. think about burn victim rooms. think about anything other than the hottie whos hair youre pulling.

    nuzzle the nuzzable areas, pinch the pointy bits, bite the tounge when she shoves it at you.

    yank the fuzzy kitty cat collar.

    now learn how to talk dirty. you should have learned about this when you had phone sex early in the relationship. phone sex is vital, kids. vital. you get to learn boundaries you get to learn what the russian tennis star likes. you get to learn the vocabulary that she enjoys. you get to learn her turnons and turnoffs before she becomes a centerfold. and most of all you get to find out if she likes being called a filthy little whore or a dirty fucking slut. details my friends, details.

    saying the wrong thing at the wrong time can ruin everything. dont learn this the hard way cuz no one wants to read about your victim stories. deliver us tales of triumph and tell us about how you made her see colors blindfolded.

    pull out your boy scout guidebooks and relearn how to tie knots. theres a reason why theyre the foundation of american life, and its not because we all have 30 foot sailboats.

    for some of ours are bigger.

    learn to spank, learn to lick, learn to kiss. in that order.

    become aware of the biology of the most intimate of the feminine of areas. recall your days as a paperboy and stop at every landmark and deliver the paper with your tounge. learn to eat and enjoy eating pussy like it’s the center of life.

    apreciate the tastes the aromas the magic the majesty the folds the textures and the flavours and if you cant learn how to fake it. my advice: dont fake it.

    and if you cant write about it or talk about it or blog about it youre kidding yourself if you think you can finger it.

    spend far too much time down there.

    ask yourself if youve ever heard this statement in passing at the trader joe’s: i really loved him but he ate me out too much.

    and as in most things, learn how to use the left hand.

    back to fucking. remember they call it fucking.

    remind everyone that youre an animal. remember you were born with hair all over you, a desire to play with your food, and opposible thumbs. remember that you were born the stronger one and the bigger one and the rougher one. be strong be rough be tough. leave being gentle for fairies and conservatives. its two thousand and four, if they wanted to make out with a girl, theyd make out with a girl.

    fuck like the cops are coming. come like you dodged em.

    lift her and defy gravity. let the wall get some and the carpet. ruin the suede loveseat, wax the tabletops and use science against her. light the roof on fire and let that motherfucker burn.

    after you threaten the ass, growl. remind her what to tell her girlfriends. tell her precisely what to feel.

    fuck like how youd play guitar if you could actually play guitar: hard fast and all night.

    lift weights do curls pushup and pullup. not so that you’ll look good in a speedo, sexy, but so you can lift her up and do it right there in her best friend’s closet when everyone is in the backyard playing drunken twister like theyre edgy.

    look that dirty girl in the eye dont kisser and thank me cuz not only can you last cuz youve practiced your breathing but you can hold her up cuz youre in shape. shape magazine doesnt tell you why you want to be in shape but now you know the rest of the story old man.

    some say you cant slap her ass too much.

    she is a very bad girl after all.

    and a bitch

    and a secret ho

    and a little tramp who’s spoiled

    and pretty and

    far too pampered in daddys condo in redondo

    which all deserve a slap. not like youre used to. a hard one. a good one.

    several good ones.

    and then tell her how good that ass looks since no chick is happy with their ass.

    love her ass.

    as ive loved you.

    dirty fez + fat free milk + houseplant

  5. Tuesday, December 30, 2003

    i like it when people are obsessed with me. 

    i like it when people talk about me on their blog and other peoples blogs, and in my comments.

    i like it when they become cocky and then eventually frustrated and pissed off when i wont address their silly requests.

    talk about me all you want, blogosphere, it only adds to the hype.

    anna kournikova taught me three things:

    you will never be as bad as people try to make you out as being

    you will never be as cool as people swear that you are

    the worst thing that people can do is ignore you.

    there are far more ghost blogs than kickass blogs and the ghost blogs are written by people who couldnt figure out how to get people to come to their url or get people worked up about their good name.

    some fall for the fakeouts, some take the bait. dont take bait. especially when the bait is nothing more than fat dirty nightcrawlers sold for pennies by children.

    if people talk shit about you and theyre way off base, just take their little spitballs and keep on keeping on.

    when they try so hard to convince you that youre boring, theyre lying.

    ignore the liars.

    liars will take you places you dont wanna go.

    heres where you wanna go

    you wanna drive the lane

    go for the hole

    keep your bald head down charles barkley and go for the hole

    dont listen to the male cheerleaders

    keep your elbow out

    fake right go left

    switch hands

    get scratched

    dunk.

    completely unrelated, a funny thing happened last night. our girl brand trueboy who recently outted herself as hosting a blog that didnt have three writers, but only had one, her, pretending to be three people – ended her whatever-it-was against me.

    i give her major props for ending the feud, and i will either take a picture of my nuts like she requested or i will have a civilized aol chat with her which you will see in the first issue of Lick sometime next month.

    rock on, trueboy. happy holidays.

    bing + blamb + muscle 68

  6. Friday, April 11, 2003

    hi anna kournikova 

    anna kournikovaim not talking to you.

    how come?

    oh i dont know, why dont you ask your girlfriend kristin dunst!

    oh come on, dont be ridiculous. shes so not my style.

    i hate you.

    i heard you got hurt again yesterday in the second set.

    rub it in, tony. good job.

    i was going to say that i am sorry to hear that you are out again after missing so many tournaments trying to rehab.

    i dont need your pity.

    it’s not pity.

    fine, your sympathy, whatever.

    so i cant say that im sorry that youre injured.

    no, you cant say it. you cant say anything! specifically because im not TALKING TO YOU!

    you looked cute in your new outfit.

    still not talking to you.

    whats with the blue though, you’ve been doing blue for years now. remember yellow? remember green? red? why not use some more of the pallette?

    im going to come to hollywood and knock down your door and strangle you. do you understand me?

    anna theres nothing going on between me and kristin dunst, why do you want to start wars all the time.

    ok, YOU, tony pierce are the one putting skanky ass hos on your page pretending to have conversations with them. shes not even pretty.

    she is so pretty.

    and she has saggy boobs

    if she was your friend you wouldnt say that.

    i wouldnt be friends with a skank like her.

    how is she a skank? she plays sweet girls in all her roles.

    get it on?

    that’s bring it on, and she played a sweet cheerleader.

    please stop talking to me

    if you didnt want people to talk to you, why are you on Instant Messenger?

    i totally super hate you.

    who else are you chatting with?

    x minus you

    sk smith + faith fools + pshrink

  7. Monday, March 3, 2003

    Anna Was Married! 

    Sergei Fedorov anna married

    TORONTO (Reuters) – Detroit Red Wings center Sergei Fedorov has admitted he and tennis player Anna Kournikova were married but are now divorced and no longer talk.

    Fedorov, 33, rated as one of the top players in the NHL, confirmed his relationship with his 21-year-old fellow Russian in The Hockey News, which went on sale on Monday.

    “They are true,” said Fedorov, when asked about rumors concerning their wedding. “We were married, albeit briefly, and we are now divorced.”

    Fedorov has had a long-running relationship with Kournikova dating back to when she burst onto the tennis scene as a teenager. His mother told reporters back in 2001 that they had been married in a Moscow registry office.

    One of the world’s most recognizable athletes and a target of paparazzi around the globe, Kournikova has been linked with several other high profile athletes and entertainers, including New York Rangers sniper Pavel Bure and singer Enrique Iglesias.

    A torrid Russian love triangle involving Fedorov, Bure and Kournikova raged in the tabloids on both sides of the Atlantic with the two multi-millionaire ice hockey players both claiming to be engaged to the tennis diva.

    Fedorov told The Hockey News that he questioned Kournikova about Bure and wanted to break up but was convinced by the tennis pinup to continue their relationship.

    “I still don’t know what it was,” Fedorov said. “I read only in magazines what was going on and I basically tried to break up.

    “But she had an explanation and I really believed that it was true and I, sort of … we patched things up.”

    ROMANTIC LINK

    More recently, Kournikova has been linked romantically with Iglesias, appearing in his videos and accompanying the Spanish singer to various music award shows and premieres.

    Fedorov, who becomes an unrestricted free agent next season and is seeking a contract in excess of $50 million, recently changed agents leaving Octagon, who also represent Kournikova.

    It has been reported Fedorov left the company because he blamed them for introducing Kournikova, voted by People magazine as one of the world’s 50 Most Beautiful People, to Iglesias.

    Fedorov said his split with Kournikova did not enter into his decision to leave his long time representatives but felt the company no longer had his “best interests at heart.”

    “I wanted to make a fresh start with both my personal and professional life,” said Fedorov. “I needed to make a complete change from what had gone on with the last four years that I was being represented by Octagon.

    “There were some things that happened when I was being represented by Octagon that I found out about after the fact.

    “I just don’t think they had my best interests at heart.”

    Fedorov has been linked with Kournikova since she was 16 and his relationship with the “tennis Lolita” was greeted with unease in North America.

    During the 1997 Stanley Cup parade in Detroit, 17-year-old Kournikova rode with Fedorov, waving to the crowd.

    DIAMOND RING

    Two years later at the 1999 Wimbledon, Kournikova flashed a diamond ring and it was rumored she had become engaged to the millionaire hockey player.

    “I think the reason the media made such a big deal was because of the age difference,” said Fedorov. “We were friends for quite a while.

    “We were just so much apart and those things when you fell in love or are falling in love, it happens at such a young age… it’s just impossible because I was a little bit older, I think.

    “People didn’t realize we have parents. She has parents, I have parents. Everything was normal as far as I’m concerned.

    “They (teammates) were quite supportive because they knew we came from the old word and pretty much, to us, it was normal. But no one really knows our story.

    “We didn’t really speak about it. I don’t think my teammates had any problems. They had problems later, though … They wanted to support me, I guess.”

    While Fedorov’s value as an athlete is on the rise, Kournikova’s continues to wane, her tennis fortunes in decline since reaching eighth place in the world in 2000.

    She is now a lowly 67th in the WTA rankings and is still looking for her first singles title.

    Things reached a new low in the second round of the Australian Open in January when she was thrashed, 6-0, 6-1, by Belgian Justine Henin-Hardenne — her heaviest defeat in a grand slam tournament.

    riley dog

  8. Tuesday, January 15, 2002

    anna lost yesterday 6-2, 7-5 

    anna kournikovaand she called sobbing and i said hush hush, and she said tell me a story, anything. tell me about a foreign land. somewhere other than Australia.

    so i told her about the City by the Bay. i told her of San Francisco. i talked about this place and that one, and about the baths in the mission where all the ladies go and lots of lesbians. she said please anything but lesbians.

    i apologized. they’ve been beating her ass.

    so i told her about the coffee shop that got hit by the Muni bus and only one fellow lost his life. i told her how it rains there and cleans everything up.

    and then i told her about my favorite day in the whole year Throw Out Your Shit Day where you could throw whatever you wanted out on your curb.

    This excited the young Russian.

    “You say you can throw out anything? Cardboard?”

    Yes, cardboard.

    “Wood? Plywood? Two-by-fours with nails on the ends?”

    Especially wood with nails in them. But yes all sorts of woods.

    Clothes? Rags? Rusty pots and pans?”

    Anything, Anna, anything.

    I told her how the streets were lined with people’s shit, how people would browse other people’s shit and how the bums pushed their carts and made messes of the neatly stacked piles. And Anna cooed.

    She asked me if I ever picked through other people’s shit.

    Of course, my dear.

    She said, thank you for telling me of this day.

    I said, any time, now go hit balls. And she blew her nose and thanked me again and hung up the phone.

  9. Monday, January 7, 2002

    Shocker! write about Anna and Mariah writes in immediately 

    resting

    Apparently I was supposed to say something about the fact that Mariah is guest starring on “Ally McBeal” tonight and that I have no excuse not to watch it since there wont be any “Monday Night Football” or no made-for-tv movie about “Monday Night Football.”

    And while I’m at it, I’m supposed to say that “Glitter” is going to be VHS and DVD next friday, January 15, and also that we’ll get to look at her house on MTV’s “Cribs” this Wednesday.

    And if that weren’t enough, she’s on the cover of the british edition of FHM for February.

    So why does she need me to hype her? Couldn’t tell ya.

  10. anna isn’t talking to me 

    anna kournikova 2002she says i pay too much attention to ashley. she might have a point. she says that i make fun of her too much for not winning any tournaments. you wouldnt think she’d be so sensitive, i mean everyone loves her and shes young and beautiful and talented and funny and being a loser her whole life hasnt seemed to affected her popularity so who cares what i think?

    she does.

    so what i have decided to do is i will pay special attention to anna on her quest to win a singles tournament.

    monday is technically over in Australia, where anna is right now. she creamed Angeles Montolio of Spain 6-4, 6-2 at the Sydney International tennis tournament but the bad news is she has to face a young woman named Serena tomorrow and Serena is probably the best female tennis player in the world.

    for the record, i dont care that Anna is a loser. all i care is that she hustles and works hard and remains a good person and remains true to herself. im glad that she doesnt care what people say about her regarding what she wears or who she dates or how she acts. she tells me that she has a linguistics coach who is helping her lose her Russian accent but i say keep the accent. accents are cool.

    this straw-hatted man was singing “Oh What A Beautiful Morning” on the train and he had a thick Jamaician accent and it sounded real nice. Usually i dont like when people sing or talk to me on the bus or in the subway, so i kept my nose in my book, but he was making up his own lines and the passengers seemed to be entertained by him. he stomped around the aisle singing about how he’s single and how if he ever got married he’d end up in a ditch. he told all the girls not to look at him with those beautiful eyes. he said he loved the ladies.

    it wouldnta been the same if he hadnt had his accent and i’d tell anna this if she was talking to me but shes not and thats cool. i know as soon as she wins it all or beats one of the sisters from Compton she will call me collect or something and rub it in my face.

    i hope thats sooner than later. cuz i think we all want to see her win, cuz some of us like her for more than her good looks and sweet accent.

    home / ashley’s birthday is friday / email / year in sex