nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, April 14, 2014
  2. Tuesday, November 16, 2004

    i want anna nicole smith being all crazy. 

    anna nicole i want her drunk. i want her doped up. i want her having to get pulled away from the cameras. skinny or fat doesnt concern me, i want her exactly the way she is. i want there to be violence and bloodshed at the Vibe awards. i want there to be stabbings. i want Dr. Dre involved. not the fat one who’s pal is ed lover, but the wessssside dre, em’s dre, snoops dre. the one who started this gangsta shit. and i want the other guy to leave the award show injured, not the former nwa producer. i want liza minnelli to be sued by her former bodyguard for allegedly beating him and forcing him to have sex with her. any bodyguard who can be basically raped by liza minnelli deserves to be raped by liza minnelli. i want more stories like this. i want britney spears setting new lows for white trash behavior. i want her writing cheesy poems and posting it on her web site. i want gorrila mask to make ruthless fun of her. i dont want dont bring your guns to work day. i want more guns in the workplace. i want the stars of desperate housewives to look like desperate pornstars. i want people who voted against gay marriages to know that teens with same-sex parents are just as fucked up as anyone else, meaning theyre normal. i want to turn on the radio in the morning to howard stern and hear jeff jarvis on there telling him that he’s got the fcc on the run. i want more people lighting themselves on fire in front of the whitehouse. i want spongebob squarepants to sing we are family with barney. and then i want them to sixty nine each other. and then i want gwar to torch the whole thing. while tsar plays and spike jonze films it. and after i want to roast dodgerdogs on the remains and wash it down with makers mark. anti + sk smith + bunny mc

  3. Wednesday, August 7, 2002

    the big story around the xbi is anna nicole’s new tv show 

    anna nicole

    which broke all sorts of records on sunday including getting the highest ratings ever for the launch of a reality series on cable television and the second highest rating for the launch of any type of series in cable television history.

    so what was the highest rated launch of a series on cable? none of us knew. maybe you do.

    at lunch we were discussing why is it that cable shows have such a hard time getting bigtime ratings. if 85% of american homes have cable, why is it that most of them are still tuned to one of the original three networks?

    what we concluded is that when people flock, they flock to the big three who normally have bigger-name stars, better writers, and shows that generally last longer. in an impromptu poll, we all agreed around the water cooler that even though most of us have 100+ channels to choose from, we will first see what’s on the major networks and then flip around to mtv, espn, comedy central, E!, hbo and the like.

    the only time, we agreed, that people flock to cable stations are specials like the mtv video awards, sporting events, when joan rivers and melissa are talking to the stars before the award shows, and when the sopranos have a new show.

    the fellas said that i should start doing a recap of the soprano’s old seasons to get everyone jacked for the new season that will start next month.

    i said no one needs to get jacked for that, everyone’s jacked already.

    then someone said, “why do you have that icepack on your wrist?”

    i told them.

    they said, “you still have the carpal, i thought that was over.”

    and i said, i thought it was over, but working aggravates it and working plus blogging pretty much kills it.

    and they said, “then cut down on your work.”

    then we all laughed.

    i laugh a lot.

    this morning howard stern played a tune from the new dolly parton album (which i have proudly linked on the left hand side since the day it came out). he played her version of “stairway to heaven” which she does beautifully.

    ross over at bloviate is conducting a little study to see what you think is the best rock cover song ever.

    i said hendrix’s cover of dylan’s all along the watchtower, which immediately made me think of nomeansno’s version of hendrix’s manic depression.

    off the top of my head i can think of a ton more.

    and since dawn and aaron both flowed me a buck – even though dawn shouldn’t have since she’s met me and since shes donated recently, but whatever – oh wait what’s this their generosity summoned the 4 minute stream of consciousness flood of great cover songs as channeled through tony’s palsiated arthritic hands:

    killdozer – take the money and run, janes addiction – ripple, exodus – free for all, springsteen – jersey girl, rod stewart – downtown train, metalica – turn the page, eric clapton – cocaine, replacements – i’ll be there, red hot chili peppers – i want you back, elvis costello – sweet dreams, tori amos – i dont like mondays, sinead o’conner – mother, van halen – you really got me, david lee roth – just a gigolo, tsar – strutter, chopper one – jeremey, matt welch – purple rain, jason pontious – purple rain, ken layne – dead flowers, dan kern – every rose has a thorn, the blues brothers – soul man

    damn, time’s up.

    songs i’d like tsar to cover:

    the mix of “smells like teen spirit w/ bootylicious”

    nelly’s “hot in herre”

    ac/dc’s “bad boy boogie”

    yes’s “roundabout”