what is even anything

it’s 3am. in bed. full of energy. there’s a baby possum sneaking around over by the grill.

people of the future: these were bizarre times. no street cleaning. Apple stores all closed. Malls closed. Beaches open. Ppl demanding to get their hair done.

Amber wants me to help dye her hair and I’m sorta against it. I feel like a line will be crossed.

Also she doesn’t need it. We’re in bikinis and tshirts most of the time. Who are we trying to impress?

Obviously the possum approves.

Speaking of Apple they’ve been very cool. Their new Air is fine but after years on a 17inch trying to look at a 13 inch is like staring down a porthole.

After posting that video last week all these people starting following me on Facebook because some of them think I know those guys for some reason.

One guy DMed me and said, check it the state starts growing weed and sells it. that way when you buy it you’re like helping support teachers.

I’ve had to unfriend a few already. One guy was super anti-journalism. When did this start? Must there be a tv show that truly talks about journalism every day? Spectrum has this one about the LA Times but it can feel very infomercial-ly.

Get in there. And talk about radio and tv and digital. Put things in context.

I don’t mean to exaggerate, future people. Not Every Apple store is closed. In San Diego a few are open. I was gonna drive down there to do the switch but first I entered into a chat with Apple Support.

It was a dream.

Dude up sold me and figured out how it could get delivered in a day.

Still not sleepy.

well my computer has completely died

it was with me for 7 long years. it’s seen a ton. i wrote a ton on it. ive traveled with it, slept on it

and it tried to burn my legs time after time after time.

so now im torn between spending $1,200 on a used MacBook Pro

or $800 on refurbished MacBook Air

i want the Pro. I have a credit card that gives me a year of no interest on Apple purchases.

but heres the funniest reason i want the 2014 Pro… it has an HDMI output jack

something i have never needed or asked for, but because i know it exists i desperately want it.

if anyone ever claims that i am a smart person, please refer them to this post.

woke up this morning and the stock market was collapsing

uber on

it had lost 1,000 points before i could even get the paper.

my txt messages were streaming in

sell! buy! hold! sell! buy! ifyoudoanythingyoureanidiot!

one of my problems is im a sucker for deals.

if anything is on sale i’ll be tempted. and if it’s two things, man.

but 10 things?

like 10 shares of apple for a grand?

no way is that gonna stay at that price i thought.

it’s apple. the gold standard.

lolitathey “failed” with that stupid watch and things were still fine.

theyre gonna win again. they’ll think something up.

they’ll make a periscope or a “magazine” or a space ship.

didnt i hear they were gonna get into the tv business?

cars? car stereos? hoverboards? shape shifters?

who’s coming to get em? Google? ha!

whats Google done lately any good?

theyre following the leader. theyre gonna make self driving cars too.

good luck with that buddies. and get ready to get sued any time theres a car accident.

thats your fault google, you built it, not mine?


yahoo? no. one day Apple is gonna make a cheap version of their MacBooks and take the whole sector.

same with phones. not everyone has a grand to spend on a computer.

but 10 shares of stock? hmmmmm.

no way those 10 shares arent worth twice that in a year.

when they Have figured out the watch, and the tv, and the remote.

i need an apple remote.

i still have too many remotes.

why isnt my phone my remote? why do i have this tv remote, my Roku remote and my cable box remote?

where the fuck is Siri?

Siri turn on the damn tv.

You know it’s Wopner Time!

damn girl.

bought those shits at 100

and held my breath as they rose to 109 and settled at 103.

97 mo to go, ghost of steve jobs

97 mo to go


computers broke, moose out front shoulda told you so

march of the penguins

something happened somewhere. might have been my fault. probably was.

computer’s broke. going to the apple store tonight to see what can be done about it.

heat probs, im guessing. me getting a chinese power adapter might not have helped.

or putting it on my bed blanket every night while thinking of things to write to you probs didnt help.

we’re all just marching to our doom, arent we? probs.

at least we have iphones to write to each other with though.


nokia ceo takes a page from The Lonely Island when confronted with iPhone


i guess theres a reason the adam sandberg snl video has 50 million views.

but theres also a reason why Nokia is in trouble: even their own CEO isn’t listening to his customer.

even though the interviewer was a bit annoying and agressive (compared to U.S. tv interviewers) listen to what he is saying

“i saw a picture in the newspaper about the Luminia 928. What kind of phone is that?”

“when are you announcing that?”

birch please“i have an iPhone. i don’t want to have an iPhone. i want to have a Nokia phone because i believe in you and i believe in Nokia. but i want to have the Lumina 928.”

any salesman worth his salt realizes the trap being set for him: the customer says he wants to buy something, but it doesn’t exist yet. meanwhile the salesman has something to sell right now.

rule number one of sales is, as we know, The Customer is Always Right.

but rule number two, to me, is SWAT. Sell What’s Available Today.

Stephan Elop must have sold a thing or two to become CEO of Nokia so he knows the obstacle presented to him by this interviewer. he cannot sell him the 928, all he has is a 620.

but Elop prematurely leaps into a classic amateur salesman blunder: PITCHING TOO EARLY WITHOUT QUALIFYING THE CUSTOMER.

when the interviewer says that he saw a picture in the paper for the 928, Elop should ask “what did you see in that photo that made you so in love with our phone that you wanted to ditch the Almighty iPhone?”

and let the guy say wonderful things about your beautiful product. odds are he’s not going to mention the things the 928 has that your piece of crap doesn’t have.

and then say, well, all those things are true, my friend, but like many protypes and concept cars of the future, what you saw isn’t available. but i do have some good news. excellent news if i heard you right. in fact i have something in my pocket right now that will be available in Finland in a matter of days that has all the things you mentioned.

it’s the 620 and it’s better than your iphone.

and then go into that discussion, not the one about how the 620 is so meh in comparison to the 928 that you put it back in your pocket (!?!!)

ABC: always be closing. bro stopped closing on the 620 as soon as it became obvious that the interviewer only wanted to talk about the 928. did you ever see Steve Jobs stop closing about the current line of apple products when everyone wanted to talk about the next generation? of course not.

if for a second you think this finnish tv host knows more about your products than you do, then yes, retreat

but seriously if you can’t get around a very simple consumer objection which any salesman has heard since the beginning of time (“why shouldn’t i WAIT for the next thing coming around the corner”), then you should be in a different line of work.

“my friend, i’m glad you have an iphone. because when you get this 620 you will love Nokia for improving on what you have been using all these years.”

then drop the phone.

a letter from Apple to people who own Macintosh computers

internet machine

Apple has identified malware which infected a limited number of Mac systems through a vulnerability in the Java plug-in for browsers. The malware was employed in an attack against Apple and other companies, and was spread through a website for software developers. We identified a small number of systems within Apple that were infected and isolated them from our network. There is no evidence that any data left Apple. We are working closely with law enforcement to find the source of the malware.

Since OS X Lion, Macs have shipped without Java installed, and as an added security measure OS X automatically disables Java if it has been unused for 35 days. To protect Mac users that have installed Java, today we are releasing an updated Java malware removal tool that will check Mac systems and remove this malware if found.


tony my iPhone home button is acting up, when will the new one come out? – bill

clinton obama

dear mr president,

no need to buy a whole new phone.

the iPhone home button forgets its a home button after a while.

true story.

you’d think it would totally remember since it gets pressed like every 2-3 minutes

all day and all night.

but yeah, life is weird and totally sometimes even home buttons dont remember who they are

here’s how you realign your iPhone home button’s chakra

step 1. whisper “damn you lookin fine, home button”

step 2. say, “yeah you, baby, who else”

step 3. somehow open up the calculator app

step 4. hold down the power button on the top of the iphone and say we should totally go to the movies soon, huh.

step 5. keep it held down until the red “Slide to Power Off” slider appears at the top

step 6. let go of the power button and say just dont judge how much popcorn i eat, and junior mints.

step 7. hold down the home button until the red “Slide to Power Off” slider disappears from the top

step 8: thank Jah for blogs.