nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, February 9, 2016

    dear tony, would you ever leave LA? 

    LAsure, for the right opportunity.

    i love california. i’ve lived here for the last 31+ years.

    today, in the second week of february, it’s nearly 90 degrees today.

    the sky is blue, im wearing a short sleeved shirt.

    if my cats wouldnt sneak out, i would have my windows open as i snooze tonight.

    yesterday i walked a few miles in the middle of the night because i was in such a great mood and it was gorgeous outside.

    i listened to the Clash and Kiss and all these great tunes via Spotify and i didnt want my little walk to end.

    could i do that in NYC? probs but i woulda been frozen.

    could i do that in Japan? probs but i woulda stopped at a bunch of sushi bars.

    hollywood has been my home since april of 2001, i know where everything is and where everything used to be

    but in a weird way that now makes it boring.

    in a weird way i wanna learn new things.

    dont you wanna be learning all the time?

    isnt that why kids are so happy?

    isnt that why they grow? cuz their brains are giving them new life?

    isnt it awesome when we meet someone new and they show us their house and theres like a giant projection tv in their house surrounded by all these VHS tapes of all these great movies? isnt it fun to look at all of those movies? isnt it fun to walk into their back yard and sip on a beer as they smoke a cigarette?

    isnt it nice to smell the smoke in the hair of a girl you barely know while she lets you get close enough to smell all of that?

    LA has let me nuzzle up to it for quite a while and trust me, im honored, but the Good Lord has given us a big big globe to explore, Dora

    dont you think we should get out of our bubble, homer?

    i do.

  2. Thursday, February 4, 2016

    dear tony, what if this is it 


    I love your blog. I haven’t been a reader for long, but I always get a chuckle out of your advice. I try to be religious but I have my doubts sometimes (a lot of times). How do you stay so positive? What if there is no afterlife? What then? – Concerned

    Gentle spirit,

    I suppose there could very well be no afterlife, no champagne party on the other side of the Pearly Gates, no conga line being led by Hendrix and Cobain and Marilyn Monroe.

    I suppose it could be that when we die we become worm food and that’s it.

    To me, spirituality is something you feel in your gut, your heart, the part of you that’s not your mind. But you asked online so let me answer you online.

    When I think about things like the human body, how our lungs take oxygen and mix it with our blood and turn the whole thing into energy and life and how our blood circulates and how the antibodies in our systems work and how our skin heals and how our liver filters impurities. And yes, I think about our stomachs and intestines and how they turn that apple i ate and eventually poop it out, I think these bodies we have are the most amazing creations all by themselves – not to mention our brains which can remember things and create things and solve problems. Nor do I mention Love and all of the things that surround that unique concept.

    When I put it all together I find it extremely hard to think that we are given the miracle of life to only live on this baffling crust for a blink of an eye, relatively, and then thats it.

    I think theres something more. I don’t think we are sand castles on the beach that only last a few hours and then go back to the sea. I do think there are all star pants off dance offs after we die with all of your favorite people in history with truly endless shrimp.

    And most importantly, bread that doesn’t make you fat.

    In the meantime I think it is our duty to rock as hard as we can down here so we have something interesting to tell our heroes when we finally meet them in the buffet line, but yes I do think we will get to meet them and i think there will be something interesting to do after that.

    And I think it probably involves guitars

    played loudly.

  3. Monday, January 25, 2016

    dear tony, could you date rihanna? 

    rihannait would be tough to date rihanna, not because i’m pretty bad at handling high maintenance ppl,

    but because my mom doesnt like her.

    which is sad because there arent all that many black super dooper pop super stars in the world

    and youd think shed be rooting for her

    but the day my little niece around the monopoly table started singing

    bitch better have my money

    was pretty much the last straw.

    riri’s travel wouldnt bother me, i’m self sufficient and sometimes the xbi… well lets just say sometimes the busblog is written by committee.

    deep down we understand why rihanna is the way she is. if i was one of the prettiest women in the world and every year or so my records just blew up, and every tom dick and harry was trying to get their dick in me, and i was rocking the courtside seats and just getting prettier and prettier magically and kanye and paul mccartney and lord knows who else wanted to perform with me, and i was getting grammys and co-starring in Battleship

    it would either turn me very humble, or the opposite of that.

    especially if i looked smoking hot in a rain coat.

    could i date her? yes. should she date a blogger? no. would we be a match made in heaven? probs. would i take her to isla vista? no. thats my little special place. would i let rihanna help me build a Motel California on del playa?


  4. Thursday, January 21, 2016

    dear tony, what should we do about global warming? 

    bowieexcellent question

    1. throw any politician out of office if they “disagree” with the scientifically proven fact that it exists.

    2. since it literally is a matter of life and death, create a federal department whose sole purpose is to curb it.

    3. give that agency actual power.

    4. stop giving hundreds of millions of dollars annually in federal subsidies to cattle farmers. “According to the Food and Agriculture Organization of the United Nations, agriculture is responsible for 18% of the total release of greenhouse gases world-wide (this is more than the whole transportation sector).”

    5. buck a gallon global warming tax on gasoline to pay for the agency

    6. reforest the rainforest and if they don’t let us do it, invade them.

    7. pull all of manufacturing out of china until they get their shit together with their pollution. (president trump would make it happen.)

    8. require all new homes and office buildings to have solar panels that make a real difference.

    9. zero income taxes for three years for anyone who has a fully electric car as their primary vehicle

    10. no more night games at wrigley field


  5. Friday, December 11, 2015

    dear tony, but i dont want to tip my uber driver 

    when uber was fun

    Tony, I love you. But I really don’t support your request that people tip drivers. If the official policy is there is no tipping, I am not going to believe you if you say you pay taxes on that income like everyone else who makes tips. Of all the laws Uber wants to circumvent, you don’t want to pay taxes on tips either? When Uber changes its policy, I will tip well as I always do. Until then, no. What am I missing? – KB

    Dear KB,

    If your concern is people paying taxes on tips, do you question every other person you tip and wonder what they’re doing at H&R Block?

    Uber’s policy was “the tip is included” but after years of slashing fares it was obvious that on a $4 minimum ride there was no longer a tip included so Uber quietly changed its policy to “no tip is necessary.”

    tip your uber driverMeanwhile Uber has raised its commissions on drivers (in my case from 5% to 28%) and it’s own tip from passengers (hilariously called The Safe Riders Fee) from $0 to $1.80 per ride. Uber also raised its fee if two people want to Split The Fare from $0 to 50 cents on each of the passengers. AND they have now started to charge 50 cents more if you bring a friend with you in an Uber Pool.

    So Uber has figured out more and more creative ways to increase their revenue on rides while drivers’ income has dramatically declined.

    They have never explained why they don’t have a tip button on their app. Lyft implemented one and you’ve never heard passengers say that feature created a poor experience. If anything drivers prefer to drive for Lyft primarily because after a 20 ride day theyve earned enough in tips to fill up their tank of gas.

    But if you are waiting for Uber to change its tip policy – or any policy – into something beneficial for its drivers, you’ll be waiting a long long time. Uber, a company valued at several tens of billions of dollars, does not do things to help drivers. It only does things to help itself. Which is why when I use ridesharing I almost always use Lyft. Mostly because it’s easier to tip the hard working drivers who are using their own cars, paying their own gas, paying their own insurance, and being paid less today than they were a year ago to do the same exact job.

  6. Sunday, November 29, 2015

    someone asked me if i was a political junkie 

    ccr at the taco bell in slo

    im not a political junkie. im no a heroin junkie. im not a tv junkie.

    i like things in reasonable amounts.

    i like buffets because you dont have to deal with all of the nonsense. pay your money, sit down, walk over, fill your plate, get sick.


    for a while i was an uber junkie. i wanted to be driving at all times. it was crazy. i was crazy.

    its still in my head. if you ask me when we can hang out, i’ll say sundays because every other day i want to uber.

    this weekend i didnt wanna uber but i did anyways. the roads were empty but so were all of the hotels.

    no one wanted a ride and there were like triple the uber drivers in my regular spots than normal.

    so i drove home and reconsidered things i should be a junkie about.

    drive thrus


  7. Tuesday, November 24, 2015

    dear tony, i am an Uber driver in Las Vegas, how do i get rich? 

    sheri's brothel

    Dear Tony,

    I am a beautiful young female Uber driver living here in Las Vegas. I haven’t driven much for them but I am a regular reader of your blog and you probably have some good advice. What would you do if you drove here?

    Cubs in 2016!


    dear d’arcy,

    i have only been here two days and i’ve taken about 5 rides on both Uber and Lyft and talked to all of the drivers and they all tell me the same thing: most of their rides are about $10 or less because even if they get someone at the airport, the Strip is sooooo close, there’s no way they’re going to make any real money unless they do a gazillion rides.

    Uber is all about the long ride and if the majority of your trips are from one hotel to the other there’s no honest way that it’s going to do very much for you financially. also there seems to already be a Lot of cars out there.

    so i recommend working with the places that are at least an hour away from the strip, namely the Bunny Ranches.

    as you well know, prostitution is not legal in Vegas, but it is legal about an hour out. so i would recommend that you go to Moo.com and get yourself some business cards and drive out to Parhumph or whereever else there are such legal houses of repute and introduce yourself and drop off some cards.


    the saddest thing i heard about the Lamar Odom tragedy at that one Bunny Ranch where he nearly died was that he took a cab! does he think he’s made of money? he really shoulda taken an Uber. YOUR Uber.

    now i’ve met sad husbands, lonely businessmen and college virgins who, when they visit Vegas, take that long ride out to the middle of nowheres.

    if i was a vegas Uber driver id ask every group of guys or solo guys if they were going to partake. some might be to shy to tell me, but thats where the card comes in. id tell them if they did do it they really should text me to see if i could drive them there. AND if they did. AND if they allowed me to wait for them to take them back, i’d give them a little treat (figure out a nice gift, like a funny Vegas mug). and take them out there and bring a book and wait for them to finish and take them back. Boom TWO one-hour rides which is about $100 each way.

    i dont know about you, but id be way into making $200 in two and a half hours, AND getting to read a book for a half hour.

    is it dangerous? isn’t everything? is it legal? yep. do people take that trip every day and every night? yup. should you go into the place about 15 minutes after the passenger does? yes, say hi, drop off some more cards and say, “your customer Maury, i brought him here. help me bring more people here.” and they will.

    who knows, they might even set you up with driving some of the ladies who work there who fly into the airport and need a ride to work.

    Uber on!

  8. Wednesday, November 4, 2015

    Dear Tony, What would you suggest as a solution to over-policing of Halloween in I.V? 

    snoop dogg with guests at the mtv vmasJustin asks: What would you suggest as a solution to over-policing? The problem is not unique to IV, students have always been treated with less respect and take advantage of by law enforcement or even the school

    1. Challenge any and all “ordinances” that are applied to IV that are not applied to any other part of SB County. Cops can’t punish you for shit you haven’t done yet. That is what a 6pm noise ordinance is. Challenge it in the papers. Shoot video of you interviewing the sheriff asking him how it’s constitutional and why it’s not happening in his neighborhood. Find out who wrote this ordinance and who voted for it. Wear their faces on tshirts. Name dirt fields after them. Create drinking games in their honor. And then call in the ACLU and Matt Welch’s Reason Magazine as they are the defenders of freedom. You are not powerless.

    2. Peaceful organized protests where you invite the media and get arrested. The real media like CNN, Los Angeles Times and  KCRW. A college town isn’t allowed to play music on a weekend after 6pm? How many times do they have to re-make Footloose (1984) till someone calls bullshit loudly and clearly? If everyone carries a boom box and marches around Isla Vista protesting the ban on music after a certain time and cute boys and girls like you are sent, one-by-one into an overflowing SB county jail BECAUSE OF LOUD PLAYING MOZART (seriously, Mozart, the papers will eat it up), the ordinance will be overturned.

    3. After you attend a Halloween concert at the Thunderdome by an artist first known for rapping about killing an undercover cop, and made internationally famous for singing about smoking weed and being a pimp, and then arrived at the MTV music video awards in 2003 holding dog leashes attached to two women: realize that the lifestyle that you should be fighting for is tame in comparison to Snoop’s, a man who has shown that you, too, can live the life that you want to live and you too can be successful for BEING YOURSELF.  Snoop D-O-double G told you about his life for an hour, you sang along, and then you marched quietly to your overpriced and overcrowded apartment and bowed down to those who love to oppress you. Be inspired by the music you listen to, don’t let it tame you!

    4. Ask the cops in the paper, on video, and whenever you see them on the streets “how can LA have several hundred thousand people march down Santa Monica Blvd on Halloween night, drinking, smoking, and carrying on, and there are only 3 arrests; yet when a paltry 500 walk around DP there are 28 arrests? WHY ARE YOU TARGETING ANYONE YOU CAN IN IV? ARENT YOU JUST FALSELY JUSTIFYING YOUR OUTRAGEOUS NUMBER OF OFFICERS?

    5. Only wear SB Sheriff’s uniforms as costumes next Halloween, next weekend, and  at any mass party that you organize. Add a floppy dildo as a garnish. You are college kids. Fucking act like it! I pity the cop who decides he’s going to arrest thousands of students for dressing up as The Out Of Towners that are actually ruining the IV scene.

    6. That student-run radio station that is never used properly: KCSB-FM 91.9 in Santa Barbara. Every Friday night make them play that ridiculous robot music that you kids love more than real rock, the kind St. Cobain gave his life for. Stream KCSB through your iphones and listen to it on your Beats headphones and DANCE IN THE FUCKING STREETS. This sends a royal fuck you to the illegal noise ordinance and you get to do the one thing you’re not going to do in your 30s: get laid after dancing. Invite the media to film the Quietest Block Party in America. And when the cute reporter sticks a mic in your face say, “we’d prefer to dance like every other free person in America, but [name the people who voted for and wrote the noise ordinance] passed laws that prevent us from listening to music in our own homes. We are not criminals. We are Americans who want to boogie.” And then put on your sad, brightly colored overpriced headphones and shake your ass.

    7. Start rock bands. This Halloween has proven that you are all too soft and coddled. Too many of your parents attended your little league games and dance recitals. And none of you can play guitar. This must change. Rock and roll will save your soul and trust me, your souls need saving. Learn the three chords and the truth. Once you have mastered the peaceful protests  and everyone is in a band, the day the ordinance falls every band needs to play on every block in Isla Vista. Because America.

    8. CHALLENGE EVERYTHING STUPID THAT LIMITS YOUR FREEDOMS GOING FORWARD. IF THEY DONT DO IT TO PEOPLE IN MONTECITO THEY SHOULDNT DO IT TO YOU. CHALLENGE IT IN THE NEWSPAPERS YOU RUN. CHALLENGE  IT ONLINE, ON SNAPCHAT, ON PERISCOPE, TWITTER, FACEBOOK, AND IN THE STREETS. Clearly no one else is doing it for you. Good! Do it yourself. And the power of the pen is still the mightiest weapon of them all. The pen is now also the phone. Use it or lose it!

  9. Monday, October 19, 2015

    dear tony, are the cubs slowly breaking our hearts (again)? 

    William Sianis and the goata wise man once said, a fool and his money are soon parted.

    but what about a fool and his heart?

    money is a chumps game, love on the other hand is what its all about.

    love you can take with you. love is a many splendored thing. no matter what wall street decides to do with the imaginary valuation of this piece of paper or that one,

    they can’t do anything about love love love.

    and yet history will tell us that you dont fall in love with certain type of people (rock stars, models, and actors) and you should never trust the cubs winning the world series.

    no one you know has ever seen it happen. and the last time the cubs got super close, half the league was fighting the damn nazis.

    did i fall for the pretty smile that was the hot bats of this latest crop of rookies?


    did i think that all we needed was arrietta and three days of wet weatha?

    who didnt?

    but im also a romantic. i believe that two hearts can beat as one. i trust that despite all the shiny flashy things that can distract the eyes are one thing but the magnetism of love, true love, can not be pulled apart.

    but i am also a fool. who, like jon snow, knows nothing.

    sometimes it doesnt matter who your manager is, who your GM be, how many homers you hit beating the number one team in baseball and before that the number two team, means nothing if youre cursed.

    and if i was the rickets family, the owners of the cubs, i would fill the friendly confines with goats. it should be Goat Day tomorrow. bring a goat, get in free, bring a goat get a hat, bring goat meat get a free Old Style.

    there should be goat shwarmas being sliced up beneath the stands, there should be goat blood shots being poured in the surrounding bars,

    and before the game there should be goat races
    around the bases

    it’s so perfect it even rhymes.

    something needs to change and since my heart wont, something else must. until then we will all wake up on mondays and face the cold hard reality that the cubs will remind us how big our hearts are because of the pain in having them crushed.

  10. Saturday, September 26, 2015

    aaron asks, i have abandonment issues, please help 

    van halenDear Tony,

    Ever since i was a child i have had abandonment issues. THe anxiety only manifests when people cancel their plans on me. Then I spin out of control. Heavy depression followed by waves of sadness. Recently I have been seeing a woman who cancels on me all the time. When we do hang out it’s quite pleasant. But out of the blue she will cancel on me after saying yes repeatedly. She gives the weirdest excuses. IT makes me feel very very bad about myself. It’s impossible for me not to take it personally. What should I do?

    Aaron aka Loser

    Kind Aaron,

    we all have our own quirks. hers might have nothing to do with you. on the other hand she might really hate you and can never figure out a way to blow you off properly.

    sometimes we men will catch a lady unaware with a request and they will say yes without thinking. but then when they get home they’ll realize “wait a sec, i hate this person. he’s fugly, he smells like cheetos, his house is always dirty, his cats are annoying, his taste in music is for shit, he cant hold a conversation to save his life, and he cant please me at all. why did i say yes to see van halen with him?”

    and then they’ll email you and say lets party in five months instead.

    it’s at that time that you should know that it’s not abandonment issues that you should work on, it’s your body. you probably have a big belly or wear terrible clothes. go to the gym aaron! get a nordstrom charge card! by some Affliction long sleeve shirts for god sake! cut your hair! get a sellout job that destroys the earth and humanity!


    you are unwanted. and you will remain that way forevers.

    go to the show by yourself. sit there and quietly mouth the lyrics to all of your favorite songs and sip out of a plastic bottle of water.

    do not cry.

    somewhere there is someone who would never cancel on you.

    why would they? you are aaron from the internet.

    you have a new shirt!

    you will be fine.

    enjoy the silence.