nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, June 23, 2016

    tony what would you do if you could do anything? 

    nikki minajyou mean like if i won the lottery? because if i won the lottery id buy mom mom a house with a giant garden

    in the garden would be incredible bubbling ponds and tiny volcanoes.

    the volcanoes would errupt right before winter so the soil would be the richest it could be right before the snow

    all around the garden would be peach trees and pecan trees and banana trees.

    no tony what would you do if you could do anything, not buy anything.

    i would be a fantastic photographer. but not one with a lot of equipment.

    i would want to be known as the guy who has like three lenses and one camera, who never uses flash

    but best of all, who never uses photoshop.

    maybe my assistants behind my back touch things up but im off to the next thing.

    i would go to school for it if i ever had any free time.

    dont you know great photographers?

    yes but i would never ask them.

    but arent some of your friends great photographers?

    yes but i would want to be – didnt you hear me – i would want to be the greatest photographer ever. which would mean that i would be better than they are. i dont wanna learn from them and then beat them. thats rude.

    is that what happened with writing? did you learn from your friends and then beat them?

    no. some of my friends are better writers than me.

    but theyre not better bloggers.

    ahahaha true. but only because they all grew up and got married and had kids and junk.

    its basically impossible to be a good parent and an everyday blogger. you gotta pick one.

    and for some reason the future of america is more important than the http

  2. Tuesday, May 3, 2016

    would i leave LA? sure. 

    jackie johnsonwhat would i miss?

    all my friends,

    this incredible weather.

    jackie johnson.

    good tacos.

    good soul food.

    my complete wreck room.

    my little cats.

    my landlord who never calls me back.



    little joy, good luck, 4100, canters

    hollywood blvd

    rodney on the roq

    grand central market

    venice, santee alley, mr. ramen

    the all you can eat section of dodger stadium

    amoeba, the bowl, the greek, the roxy

    don antonios, laurel canyon, the original tommys

    jilada, kogi, the mondrian

    melrose, crenshaw, ventura, isla vista, home, botegga louie, that ramen place in pass sass  took me to.

    midnight tacos, neptunes net, el compadre

    the vista, hollywood forever, vegas, the ace, house of pies, prado

    shortstop, tuk tuk thai, arclight, chez jay, natalee thai


    5 barbers no waiting, randys donuts, z pizza, angel city brewery

    the cerritos library

    huntington hospital, three clubs, blossom

    and zuma

  3. Wednesday, April 13, 2016

    why i like to sit in the bleachers 

    one day i want to make a tv series, a sit com, about angels in heaven and how they look down and comment and futz around with this or that to make things better

    in one of the episodes i want to explain why wrigley field in chicago was clearly aided by Someone Above

    in part because there isn’t a bad seat in the house

    other than those behind poles

    and how the best seats in the joint are probably the humble backless benches in the bleachers

    i like to sit there because, and no disrespect, but i believe the best fans are there

    in the olden days they used to also be the most frugal, but due to the secret getting out that the bleachers are so unique at wrigley, the same bleacher seats that i used to pay $3 for in high school now go for $64 and can cost three times the price of sitting in the upper deck ($21).

    at dodger stadium the secret isnt out yet so theyve converted the right field bleachers into an all you can eat gorgefest. for as low as $33, but your ticket includes unlimited Dodger Dogs, nachos, popcorn, peanuts, Coke products and bottled water. if i ran the joint id also have people guessing your weight, giving you back scratches, and doling out investment advice, but

    at Wrigley you feel right on top of the players when youre in the bleachers.

    at Dodger Stadium, they dont want you that close. theyre nervous. maybe they should be nervous. everyones trying to be a star in LA.

    in Chicago we already know we’re stars. if youre trying to prove something to people, youre probably an out of towner.

    theres some good seats at Dodger Stadium, but not many, which is why i prefer the bleachers there. at least its fun, theres free food, and you get to meet some colorful fans from the IE

  4. Tuesday, March 29, 2016

    dear tony, what’s wrong with me 

    the broadDear My Favourite Blogger,

    SOme times I feel so weird. And not in an art school cool way. But worse. Not in ascary way so don’t worry Tony. But I don’t feel of this Earth,

    Can you relate?

    dear unrelatable,

    sometimes in the morning my computer hesitates and pauses. it needs time to think before it lets me do the things i want to do.

    sometimes the stupid rainbow wheel appears over and over.

    theres two things you can do about it, you can get frustrated and waste time and fight with it.

    or you can just restart that bad boy.

    in life sometimes it’s good to restart. not kill yourself, psycho, but either break up with your boyfriend, get a hair cut, take a shower, or do like what i do, which is either take a nap or walk around the block.

    when i walk around the block i put my head down and remind myself of a lot of the good things that happened in my life that led me here. if something bad enters my head i stop walking and let it pass, then i get on with the good things and keep walking.

    at first it might take a while to get around the block with all the stopping going on, but over time you learn how to train your mind to block out all the things the devil wants to invade your brain with and you can have a peaceful walk that includes

    the time angela romano gave you your first kiss, the time you won best in state in drum line, the time you met your friends at the dorms, the time two smoking hot babes took you into the desert, the time you escaped the clutches of the xbi and did donuts on the frozen lake, the time you got that huge newspaper’s blogs zooming just like you promised, the time you made bruce willis laugh and keep laughing

    and that time you realized the busblog would live forever.

    after walks like that you realize there are so many more things you could add to the list and you feel better and you almost wanna walk around the block again but guess what your computer in your heart has restarted

    and its time to rock.

    good luck weirdo.

    and thanks for the nudes.

  5. Tuesday, March 15, 2016
  6. Tuesday, March 8, 2016

    dear tony, what’s going on with Anna? 

    anna kournikovaTony, 

    Long time reader of the busblog. Going back, wow, 10 years now. I remember checking in and reading you talk about your then-girlfriend Anna Kournakova.

    What’s happening these days with her?

    Is she alive? I never see her in magazines or TV?

    Curious George

    Dear George,

    they say our tastes change every seven years or so. there was a time i didnt like broccoli or blondes or russians or sassy babes but then those things changed.

    now i actually pay real money for broccoli.

    anna started dating a boybander about a decade ago and he never made an honest woman out of her and she never really transitioned into becoming a bigger celebrity after she retired from pro tennis, so would she have been better off with a blogger? duh.

    because beauty starts with the heart she’s still a knockout who still loves short skirts and dresses and long boots and long hair and still sends me snaps from time to time because doesnt everyone?

    do i miss her? no. do i wish her well? meh. im not sure our lives are meant to just be in someone else’s shadow all the time. i think that goes for our kids our bfs/gfs or our spouses. i think we can do it all and have it all. i think some of us are meant to shine – and not just in our 20s and 30s – but all the time.

    anna is a jewel who is in a little box in florida. what good is that? what a waste if you ask me. jewels shouldnt be wasted. but we all knew this was gonna happen the minute she got serious with the pretty boy. oh well.

  7. Tuesday, February 9, 2016

    dear tony, would you ever leave LA? 

    LAsure, for the right opportunity.

    i love california. i’ve lived here for the last 31+ years.

    today, in the second week of february, it’s nearly 90 degrees today.

    the sky is blue, im wearing a short sleeved shirt.

    if my cats wouldnt sneak out, i would have my windows open as i snooze tonight.

    yesterday i walked a few miles in the middle of the night because i was in such a great mood and it was gorgeous outside.

    i listened to the Clash and Kiss and all these great tunes via Spotify and i didnt want my little walk to end.

    could i do that in NYC? probs but i woulda been frozen.

    could i do that in Japan? probs but i woulda stopped at a bunch of sushi bars.

    hollywood has been my home since april of 2001, i know where everything is and where everything used to be

    but in a weird way that now makes it boring.

    in a weird way i wanna learn new things.

    dont you wanna be learning all the time?

    isnt that why kids are so happy?

    isnt that why they grow? cuz their brains are giving them new life?

    isnt it awesome when we meet someone new and they show us their house and theres like a giant projection tv in their house surrounded by all these VHS tapes of all these great movies? isnt it fun to look at all of those movies? isnt it fun to walk into their back yard and sip on a beer as they smoke a cigarette?

    isnt it nice to smell the smoke in the hair of a girl you barely know while she lets you get close enough to smell all of that?

    LA has let me nuzzle up to it for quite a while and trust me, im honored, but the Good Lord has given us a big big globe to explore, Dora

    dont you think we should get out of our bubble, homer?

    i do.

  8. Thursday, February 4, 2016

    dear tony, what if this is it 


    I love your blog. I haven’t been a reader for long, but I always get a chuckle out of your advice. I try to be religious but I have my doubts sometimes (a lot of times). How do you stay so positive? What if there is no afterlife? What then? – Concerned

    Gentle spirit,

    I suppose there could very well be no afterlife, no champagne party on the other side of the Pearly Gates, no conga line being led by Hendrix and Cobain and Marilyn Monroe.

    I suppose it could be that when we die we become worm food and that’s it.

    To me, spirituality is something you feel in your gut, your heart, the part of you that’s not your mind. But you asked online so let me answer you online.

    When I think about things like the human body, how our lungs take oxygen and mix it with our blood and turn the whole thing into energy and life and how our blood circulates and how the antibodies in our systems work and how our skin heals and how our liver filters impurities. And yes, I think about our stomachs and intestines and how they turn that apple i ate and eventually poop it out, I think these bodies we have are the most amazing creations all by themselves – not to mention our brains which can remember things and create things and solve problems. Nor do I mention Love and all of the things that surround that unique concept.

    When I put it all together I find it extremely hard to think that we are given the miracle of life to only live on this baffling crust for a blink of an eye, relatively, and then thats it.

    I think theres something more. I don’t think we are sand castles on the beach that only last a few hours and then go back to the sea. I do think there are all star pants off dance offs after we die with all of your favorite people in history with truly endless shrimp.

    And most importantly, bread that doesn’t make you fat.

    In the meantime I think it is our duty to rock as hard as we can down here so we have something interesting to tell our heroes when we finally meet them in the buffet line, but yes I do think we will get to meet them and i think there will be something interesting to do after that.

    And I think it probably involves guitars

    played loudly.

  9. Monday, January 25, 2016

    dear tony, could you date rihanna? 

    rihannait would be tough to date rihanna, not because i’m pretty bad at handling high maintenance ppl,

    but because my mom doesnt like her.

    which is sad because there arent all that many black super dooper pop super stars in the world

    and youd think shed be rooting for her

    but the day my little niece around the monopoly table started singing

    bitch better have my money

    was pretty much the last straw.

    riri’s travel wouldnt bother me, i’m self sufficient and sometimes the xbi… well lets just say sometimes the busblog is written by committee.

    deep down we understand why rihanna is the way she is. if i was one of the prettiest women in the world and every year or so my records just blew up, and every tom dick and harry was trying to get their dick in me, and i was rocking the courtside seats and just getting prettier and prettier magically and kanye and paul mccartney and lord knows who else wanted to perform with me, and i was getting grammys and co-starring in Battleship

    it would either turn me very humble, or the opposite of that.

    especially if i looked smoking hot in a rain coat.

    could i date her? yes. should she date a blogger? no. would we be a match made in heaven? probs. would i take her to isla vista? no. thats my little special place. would i let rihanna help me build a Motel California on del playa?


  10. Thursday, January 21, 2016

    dear tony, what should we do about global warming? 

    bowieexcellent question

    1. throw any politician out of office if they “disagree” with the scientifically proven fact that it exists.

    2. since it literally is a matter of life and death, create a federal department whose sole purpose is to curb it.

    3. give that agency actual power.

    4. stop giving hundreds of millions of dollars annually in federal subsidies to cattle farmers. “According to the Food and Agriculture Organization of the United Nations, agriculture is responsible for 18% of the total release of greenhouse gases world-wide (this is more than the whole transportation sector).”

    5. buck a gallon global warming tax on gasoline to pay for the agency

    6. reforest the rainforest and if they don’t let us do it, invade them.

    7. pull all of manufacturing out of china until they get their shit together with their pollution. (president trump would make it happen.)

    8. require all new homes and office buildings to have solar panels that make a real difference.

    9. zero income taxes for three years for anyone who has a fully electric car as their primary vehicle

    10. no more night games at wrigley field