nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, November 24, 2015

    dear tony, i am an Uber driver in Las Vegas, how do i get rich? 

    sheri's brothel

    Dear Tony,

    I am a beautiful young female Uber driver living here in Las Vegas. I haven’t driven much for them but I am a regular reader of your blog and you probably have some good advice. What would you do if you drove here?

    Cubs in 2016!


    dear d’arcy,

    i have only been here two days and i’ve taken about 5 rides on both Uber and Lyft and talked to all of the drivers and they all tell me the same thing: most of their rides are about $10 or less because even if they get someone at the airport, the Strip is sooooo close, there’s no way they’re going to make any real money unless they do a gazillion rides.

    Uber is all about the long ride and if the majority of your trips are from one hotel to the other there’s no honest way that it’s going to do very much for you financially. also there seems to already be a Lot of cars out there.

    so i recommend working with the places that are at least an hour away from the strip, namely the Bunny Ranches.

    as you well know, prostitution is not legal in Vegas, but it is legal about an hour out. so i would recommend that you go to Moo.com and get yourself some business cards and drive out to Parhumph or whereever else there are such legal houses of repute and introduce yourself and drop off some cards.


    the saddest thing i heard about the Lamar Odom tragedy at that one Bunny Ranch where he nearly died was that he took a cab! does he think he’s made of money? he really shoulda taken an Uber. YOUR Uber.

    now i’ve met sad husbands, lonely businessmen and college virgins who, when they visit Vegas, take that long ride out to the middle of nowheres.

    if i was a vegas Uber driver id ask every group of guys or solo guys if they were going to partake. some might be to shy to tell me, but thats where the card comes in. id tell them if they did do it they really should text me to see if i could drive them there. AND if they did. AND if they allowed me to wait for them to take them back, i’d give them a little treat (figure out a nice gift, like a funny Vegas mug). and take them out there and bring a book and wait for them to finish and take them back. Boom TWO one-hour rides which is about $100 each way.

    i dont know about you, but id be way into making $200 in two and a half hours, AND getting to read a book for a half hour.

    is it dangerous? isn’t everything? is it legal? yep. do people take that trip every day and every night? yup. should you go into the place about 15 minutes after the passenger does? yes, say hi, drop off some more cards and say, “your customer Maury, i brought him here. help me bring more people here.” and they will.

    who knows, they might even set you up with driving some of the ladies who work there who fly into the airport and need a ride to work.

    Uber on!

  2. Wednesday, November 4, 2015

    Dear Tony, What would you suggest as a solution to over-policing of Halloween in I.V? 

    snoop dogg with guests at the mtv vmasJustin asks: What would you suggest as a solution to over-policing? The problem is not unique to IV, students have always been treated with less respect and take advantage of by law enforcement or even the school

    1. Challenge any and all “ordinances” that are applied to IV that are not applied to any other part of SB County. Cops can’t punish you for shit you haven’t done yet. That is what a 6pm noise ordinance is. Challenge it in the papers. Shoot video of you interviewing the sheriff asking him how it’s constitutional and why it’s not happening in his neighborhood. Find out who wrote this ordinance and who voted for it. Wear their faces on tshirts. Name dirt fields after them. Create drinking games in their honor. And then call in the ACLU and Matt Welch’s Reason Magazine as they are the defenders of freedom. You are not powerless.

    2. Peaceful organized protests where you invite the media and get arrested. The real media like CNN, Los Angeles Times and  KCRW. A college town isn’t allowed to play music on a weekend after 6pm? How many times do they have to re-make Footloose (1984) till someone calls bullshit loudly and clearly? If everyone carries a boom box and marches around Isla Vista protesting the ban on music after a certain time and cute boys and girls like you are sent, one-by-one into an overflowing SB county jail BECAUSE OF LOUD PLAYING MOZART (seriously, Mozart, the papers will eat it up), the ordinance will be overturned.

    3. After you attend a Halloween concert at the Thunderdome by an artist first known for rapping about killing an undercover cop, and made internationally famous for singing about smoking weed and being a pimp, and then arrived at the MTV music video awards in 2003 holding dog leashes attached to two women: realize that the lifestyle that you should be fighting for is tame in comparison to Snoop’s, a man who has shown that you, too, can live the life that you want to live and you too can be successful for BEING YOURSELF.  Snoop D-O-double G told you about his life for an hour, you sang along, and then you marched quietly to your overpriced and overcrowded apartment and bowed down to those who love to oppress you. Be inspired by the music you listen to, don’t let it tame you!

    4. Ask the cops in the paper, on video, and whenever you see them on the streets “how can LA have several hundred thousand people march down Santa Monica Blvd on Halloween night, drinking, smoking, and carrying on, and there are only 3 arrests; yet when a paltry 500 walk around DP there are 28 arrests? WHY ARE YOU TARGETING ANYONE YOU CAN IN IV? ARENT YOU JUST FALSELY JUSTIFYING YOUR OUTRAGEOUS NUMBER OF OFFICERS?

    5. Only wear SB Sheriff’s uniforms as costumes next Halloween, next weekend, and  at any mass party that you organize. Add a floppy dildo as a garnish. You are college kids. Fucking act like it! I pity the cop who decides he’s going to arrest thousands of students for dressing up as The Out Of Towners that are actually ruining the IV scene.

    6. That student-run radio station that is never used properly: KCSB-FM 91.9 in Santa Barbara. Every Friday night make them play that ridiculous robot music that you kids love more than real rock, the kind St. Cobain gave his life for. Stream KCSB through your iphones and listen to it on your Beats headphones and DANCE IN THE FUCKING STREETS. This sends a royal fuck you to the illegal noise ordinance and you get to do the one thing you’re not going to do in your 30s: get laid after dancing. Invite the media to film the Quietest Block Party in America. And when the cute reporter sticks a mic in your face say, “we’d prefer to dance like every other free person in America, but [name the people who voted for and wrote the noise ordinance] passed laws that prevent us from listening to music in our own homes. We are not criminals. We are Americans who want to boogie.” And then put on your sad, brightly colored overpriced headphones and shake your ass.

    7. Start rock bands. This Halloween has proven that you are all too soft and coddled. Too many of your parents attended your little league games and dance recitals. And none of you can play guitar. This must change. Rock and roll will save your soul and trust me, your souls need saving. Learn the three chords and the truth. Once you have mastered the peaceful protests  and everyone is in a band, the day the ordinance falls every band needs to play on every block in Isla Vista. Because America.

    8. CHALLENGE EVERYTHING STUPID THAT LIMITS YOUR FREEDOMS GOING FORWARD. IF THEY DONT DO IT TO PEOPLE IN MONTECITO THEY SHOULDNT DO IT TO YOU. CHALLENGE IT IN THE NEWSPAPERS YOU RUN. CHALLENGE  IT ONLINE, ON SNAPCHAT, ON PERISCOPE, TWITTER, FACEBOOK, AND IN THE STREETS. Clearly no one else is doing it for you. Good! Do it yourself. And the power of the pen is still the mightiest weapon of them all. The pen is now also the phone. Use it or lose it!

  3. Monday, October 19, 2015

    dear tony, are the cubs slowly breaking our hearts (again)? 

    William Sianis and the goata wise man once said, a fool and his money are soon parted.

    but what about a fool and his heart?

    money is a chumps game, love on the other hand is what its all about.

    love you can take with you. love is a many splendored thing. no matter what wall street decides to do with the imaginary valuation of this piece of paper or that one,

    they can’t do anything about love love love.

    and yet history will tell us that you dont fall in love with certain type of people (rock stars, models, and actors) and you should never trust the cubs winning the world series.

    no one you know has ever seen it happen. and the last time the cubs got super close, half the league was fighting the damn nazis.

    did i fall for the pretty smile that was the hot bats of this latest crop of rookies?


    did i think that all we needed was arrietta and three days of wet weatha?

    who didnt?

    but im also a romantic. i believe that two hearts can beat as one. i trust that despite all the shiny flashy things that can distract the eyes are one thing but the magnetism of love, true love, can not be pulled apart.

    but i am also a fool. who, like jon snow, knows nothing.

    sometimes it doesnt matter who your manager is, who your GM be, how many homers you hit beating the number one team in baseball and before that the number two team, means nothing if youre cursed.

    and if i was the rickets family, the owners of the cubs, i would fill the friendly confines with goats. it should be Goat Day tomorrow. bring a goat, get in free, bring a goat get a hat, bring goat meat get a free Old Style.

    there should be goat shwarmas being sliced up beneath the stands, there should be goat blood shots being poured in the surrounding bars,

    and before the game there should be goat races
    around the bases

    it’s so perfect it even rhymes.

    something needs to change and since my heart wont, something else must. until then we will all wake up on mondays and face the cold hard reality that the cubs will remind us how big our hearts are because of the pain in having them crushed.

  4. Saturday, September 26, 2015

    aaron asks, i have abandonment issues, please help 

    van halenDear Tony,

    Ever since i was a child i have had abandonment issues. THe anxiety only manifests when people cancel their plans on me. Then I spin out of control. Heavy depression followed by waves of sadness. Recently I have been seeing a woman who cancels on me all the time. When we do hang out it’s quite pleasant. But out of the blue she will cancel on me after saying yes repeatedly. She gives the weirdest excuses. IT makes me feel very very bad about myself. It’s impossible for me not to take it personally. What should I do?

    Aaron aka Loser

    Kind Aaron,

    we all have our own quirks. hers might have nothing to do with you. on the other hand she might really hate you and can never figure out a way to blow you off properly.

    sometimes we men will catch a lady unaware with a request and they will say yes without thinking. but then when they get home they’ll realize “wait a sec, i hate this person. he’s fugly, he smells like cheetos, his house is always dirty, his cats are annoying, his taste in music is for shit, he cant hold a conversation to save his life, and he cant please me at all. why did i say yes to see van halen with him?”

    and then they’ll email you and say lets party in five months instead.

    it’s at that time that you should know that it’s not abandonment issues that you should work on, it’s your body. you probably have a big belly or wear terrible clothes. go to the gym aaron! get a nordstrom charge card! by some Affliction long sleeve shirts for god sake! cut your hair! get a sellout job that destroys the earth and humanity!


    you are unwanted. and you will remain that way forevers.

    go to the show by yourself. sit there and quietly mouth the lyrics to all of your favorite songs and sip out of a plastic bottle of water.

    do not cry.

    somewhere there is someone who would never cancel on you.

    why would they? you are aaron from the internet.

    you have a new shirt!

    you will be fine.

    enjoy the silence.

  5. Friday, September 25, 2015

    Christina Marrocco, who i first met in grade school, maybe first grade, asks 

    tigetsWhat are the three top ills of Old Chicago, and I don’t mean the defunct amusement park in Bolingbrook.

    the rides were too tame, the lines were too long, and even though it was great that it was an indoor amusement park – oh wait NOT the fun Old Chicago, the real Old Chicago.

    ok lets start with the weather. it was either way too hot or way too cold or way too rainy or just overall cruddy.

    it’s like God wanted to punish the good people of Chicago for some sins they committed a super long time ago.

    Richard Pryor used to joke about the wind, how it would wait for you around the corner and mug you as you were crossing the street and beat you down. but to me the wind figured out a way to get under your clothes. it was like mist. it could get through every strand of of fabric and then slap your skin with coldness.

    if that wind was love instead of evil no one would ever move away. but alas…

    then we’ve got the narrow mindedness. which is odd because your typical midwesterner of Old Chicago times had a heart of gold. theyd talk to you. theyd listen to you. theyd understand. but somehow theyd stop understanding.

    was it racism? ignorance? foolishness? hard to say.

    but i’ll tell you one thing that didnt help the situation then and doesnt help it now: the segregation. chicago is a city of neighborhoods but theyre all color coordinated. it’s ridiculous. even in the burbs you’ll see whole towns of blacks next to whole towns of people from India, next to whole towns of whites. wtf!?!?

    the wind hates us all equally, people!

    it’s almost as if the assbackwardness from southern illinois floats the wrong way up the mississip and infects chicago and spreads everywhichway. i blame the white sox.

    finally the music. i dont know what it’s like now, but Old Chicago used to have the worst bands. God bless Cheap Trick, REO and Styx but when California got The Eagles, Chicago got Chicago.

    uh, no thanx.

  6. Thursday, September 24, 2015

    phil shelly asks what is the meaning of life? 

    no country for old mentheres this video game i play where every now and then it will say

    if you dont commit any turnovers for the rest of this quarter, we’ll give you a bonus

    throughout the game you werent even thinking about turnovers till they brought it up

    youd just be wheeling and dealing, doing your thing and if you committed a turnover, whatevs

    but now all of a sudden you have to think about them.

    and the funny thing is, i get the bonus about half of the time that it’s offered.

    something that is very poor, if you ask me.

    to me, the meaning of life is to be able to look back

    and see how many turnovers youve had after you realized that they really matter

    to me life is about playing the game and not being a negative part of it.

    because if youre not being negative, youre probably being positive if youre truly playing.

    to me, you commit less turnovers when you focus, prepare,

    and have your heart in whats best for everyone,

    not just yourself.

    you get there by doing all three of these things: trusting, communicating honestly,

    and reflecting the love of God.

    to me the meaning of life is to play the game with honor

    and earn that damn bonus.

  7. Tuesday, September 22, 2015

    dont you know you can fly? 

    hey there

    Kristi Wallace Knight What’s your favorite pie?
    because it’s nearly impossible in LA to get a proper sweet potato pie, i will say the dutch apple pie at the house of pies in los feliz with a scoop of vanilla ice cream and a tall glass of chocolate milk


    Chris Blomquist your top 3 differences in LA people vs Chicago people?


    Chicago people wear the jerseys of the teams that they love.

    LA people are healthier

    Chicago people are happier

    Scott McPherson What makes you truly happy?

    when, during a punt, the punting team runs all the way to the goal line and the ball bounces on the one yard line and it’s headed to the goal line and one of the guys from the punting team leaps toward the goal line and dives at the ball and pushes it back and his teammate is waiting at the two and catches it and it doesnt get ruled a touchback.


    Dave Coelho Elvis or The Beatles?
    The Beatles were a hero to most but they didn’t mean shit to me. Music would have been fine without the Beatles, maybe better. But rock and roll needed Elvis, most importantly Vegas Elvis. Lennon and Harrison would have been fine solo. The Clash were way more important.

    Cameron Barrett Red pill or blue pill?

    You know I’ve never seen that movie.


    I’m not sure, it’s just one of a long list of classic films I have yet to see. I should make a list.


    Jessica Roberts Cubs postseason predictions?

    The Cubs will shock the world by beating Pittsburg in the Wild Card, sweeping the Cardinals and then sweeping the Dodgers. They’ll go seven with Toronto in a series that will see the Cubs ultimately winning due to the fact that because so much of the team is so young no one knows how to pitch against them. It’s a Cinderella story.


    Alex Dionne What do you do?
    I do the instagram and tumblr for the Academy. Some random stuff behind the scenes of our site. I also write on the site, manage the snapchat and medium and occasionally tweet and facebook. at night i eat half chicken dinners with runway models or drive people around in my uber mercedes. but what i really want to do is direct.


    Joseph Renard Cream or Sugar?
    coffee’s for closers.


    Alyson Shane How do you know when you’ve found “the one”?

    when you’ve stopped sexting Rob Ford


    Bob Downing Favorite baseball player nickname?

    Mark Hargrove, The Human Rain Delay


    Keith Johnson Laverne or Shirley?
    I liked that Laverne had an “L” embroidered on all of her tops.


    Alex Remus How do you spend your free time



    Peter Viles Chicago or LA?
    Last week in Chicago was heavenly for me.  But every day in LA is a dream.


    Peter Viles Future of Uber?
    Lyft.  Technology rarely rewards the originators for very long. If you recall IBM and Xerox started this gangster shit. Then Microsoft had so much of the marketshare for software that people murmured that they should be broken up. All of that seems ridiculous now that Apple and Google have become so successful. But before there was Apple there was Dell and before Google was Yahoo. Everyone gets leapfrogged. The odds are very bad that Uber will be the top dog once ridesharing kicks into second gear.


    Tim Sullivan favorite drink … i mean, aside from Old Style?
    Coke. It’s given me four kidney stones but I love it.  One day I will just have a sink that spits out Coke on the right and Diet Coke on the left.


    Mike Lazzaro Fantasy hockey???
    If I was a Canadian I would be so into it, but I am a black man from Chicago, so it’s Yahoo Fantasy Hoops. Details on that league to come…
    Ben Welsh Do you know the importance of a skypager?
    Q-Tip always seemed too intellectual to me. Not enough feeling. Not enough soul. It was all in his head. Not really contrived but where’s the emotion? I have the same problem with BDP.


    Dean Landsman What is the way?
    There’s a reason the Rocky Road is the tastiest.


    Bree McGuire What’s your myers-briggs type?
  8. Monday, September 21, 2015

    dear tony, Can you write something on dating younger women? 

    every successful womanTony,

    Sorry for being pushy with the first question

    1. Can you write something on dating younger women? Advice wanted. Uncharted territory for me, but I’m pretty sure you’d have some insight to share. Fukkkk.

    2. If you were to start a blog today, what platform would you build it on: Blogger, WordPress, Tumblr, or what?


    when you’re on a sailboat, especially alone, in the wind, sometimes scary wind, you have to make life saving adjustments.

    you tighten up the sail one minute, let it out the next. you aim over here for a minute, then over there. you sail into the wind at times, and at others away from it.

    in a way youre trying to get somewhere, but really youre doing it for the fun of it. seeing whats possible. enjoying the speed. experimenting with touch.

    being a part of mother nature and all the weird little curveballs that get thrown your way.

    dating any one, male female young old and etc is a lot like that.

    the other person is the wind and youre alone in the boat.

    are you really gonna curse out the wind for blowing hard or not being there at all?

    no youre gonna make adjustments and enjoy the view.

    i understand women, young and otherwise, the same way i understand the wind:

    i have no clue, i just react.

    i have no idea why they say yes, i have no idea why they say no.

    if it seems like i am having fun or have the slightest insight it is because

    i enjoy sailing.

    and despite everything, women make more sense to me than naked dudes.

    2. wordpress. google seems to have given up on blogging long ago

    and yahoo appears to have given up on tumblr.

  9. Thursday, August 20, 2015

    dear tony, what do you do when things look utterly dire? 

    girl falling

    first, start by knowing that when you die you go to Heaven.

    second, start watching sports.

    what we love in sports is the team who comes back from an impossible deficit, with their star or unlikely star on the ropes, partially injured, undersized, outclassed, who no one believes in anymore

    who makes magic happen when it matters.

    and wins by a narrow margin.

    no one loves the blowout. no one cares for a team that starts strong and finishes strong.

    even the angels and saints want drama, despite what you want.

    speaking of… third, read the bible.

    theres all the stories about david and goliath, but that’s a red herring because david was never the Everyman, he was a superstar with no peers from the get go.

    the better stories are the ones like shadrach meshach and abednego who straight up Trusted the Lord and stayed true to who they were when they were led into the fiery furnace.

    always stay true, ponyboy.

    it’s easy to whine, it’s easy to say oh woe is me, it’s easy to say damn it sure feels like forces are lining against me, but fuck that. life could be a million times worse. theres people with missing limbs, theres people who have babies and the babies are all effed up. theres people who have terrible things that have happened to their faces and brains and imagine what it is like for them to try to find a job

    or try to get a girl to go with them to the dance or even a hay ride.

    crappy as things might be for you, odds are you could find someone to go on a hayride with you.

    start there.

    then remember if parts of life weren’t tough we’d never have poetry or shakespeare or hbo or rage against the machine.

    winter IS coming, fyi

    are you just gonna sit there and whimper and look over at your neighbors green grass and envy what you think is going on over there.

    i’ll tell you whats going on over there

    none of your business is going on over there.

    you have your own life to deal with, and it’s a full life, and it’s yours.

    you are bigger than your struggles.

    you have a terrible flu, youre in utah, and you have the ball.

    do you really want to be known as the black dude who lost a basketball game in utah?

    or do you wanna be known as one of the three bad brothers who casually danced into the firey furnace

    and then breakdanced inside it?

    theres a reason you learned how to pop lock

    theres a reason the Good Lord smiles when He hears your name.

    theres a reason when you walk down the street all the little pretties wave their hand.

    it’s because you can pull off the crazy ass shit

    with style

    that no one thought was even possible.

    which makes them believe They can.

    so if you ever feel like giving up on yourself,

    remember you’re giving up on them as well.

  10. Friday, May 15, 2015

    ask tony: would you sell the busblog for $625,000? 

    veronica sawyer

    I get asked a lot of questions on Facebook. I will answer a few of them here.


    Ben Welsh asks: Would you sell the busblog for $625k?

    This summer the busblog will turn 14 years old. There are over 10,500 posts on here. Some of them are even good.  If someone were to buy this blog for that sum they’re basically paying $60 a post. That’s a ton of dough.

    Although I would feel a little sad to hand over control of this url to someone with those sort of deep pockets, not only would I make that deal in a heartbeat, but I’d throw in the matching instagram and twitter accounts too.

    And then buy a little house with the money. The house the busblog built.

    What would the new blog be called? flyingcarblog, of course.

    Roy Jürgens asks: Tony, are you a digital czar?

    There are very few people i’d deem as Digital Czar-worthy. My old bosses, Meredith, Jen and Jake, for sure. My current boss, Josh, definately. But who else? Are there other people who truly think digitally in a creative way that isn’t full of BS and solely about the numbers? Those people are super rare and usually get plucked to do other things. Jason Goldman is now the digital czar of the White House. His heart is pure, so add him to the list too. But it’s a very short list and until I accomplish something truly noteworthy I do not belong.

    Mary Schneider asks: Do you ever get heartbroken?

    In order to have your heart break your heart has to be in it. My heart is in it all the time, which I don’t advise because I’ve noticed the less you’re into it the more the other person becomes into it.

    Even though it’s terrible when your heart breaks, if it is a clean break you can bounce back very quickly. The worst my heart has broken in the last 4-5 years, let’s say, it was such a horrible but clean break that I only had to grieve for like 72 hours and then I was back in the saddle again. That doesn’t mean I still don’t think about her or care about her, but it was obviously over, so what good would it be to obsess?

    When you read a really good book or get involved in a great TV series you end up missing all of those characters, but when it’s over you’ve gotta move on otherwise you’re one of those creepy fanboys writing fan fiction on Tumblr and not living a real life.

    We only get a few spins around the sun.

    Make em count.