busblog

nothing in here is true

  1. Sunday, February 19, 2017

    dear tony what do i do 

    Tony,

    First time caller, long time reader. 

    Last month I finally had sex with this beautiful woman after a long break. It was surprisingly wonderful. 

    Every week since then we’ve flirted online, through text, and even by phone. Each weekend I thought we had plans to reunite but she would find an excuse to cancel. I thought she was sincere until today when she told me she was going to get “some ass from Tinder. LOLs”. 

    What happened? What should I do?

    Fullerton

    dear fullerton,

    block her number and never talk to her again.

    it doesn’t sound like she felt the same way about your encounter as you do. she probably was hugely disappointed. you probably did everything wrong. but dont feel bad. women are complicated creatures. some want you to pull their hair and call them derogatory names, some want you to pamper them and touch them as softly as a butterfly.

    even if they tell you what they want you can’t trust it. because women are also human. (like you and me). how many times have you wanted a gigantic pizza but when it arrives you eat one little tiny piece and just go to sleep.

    it happens to them too. but with schweens.

    you probably didn’t ring her little bell.

    and if you did it reminded her of someone else. not your fault (probs).

    it’s over. forget about her. be happy you even had contact with her even once. there are some schmucks who won’t get any alllll year. maybe not next year either. life is an acid trip. stay hydrated. avoid mirrors. (and cops)

    if she calls you hang up.

    you might be a total loser, but you’re not someones bitch.

    learn a skill,

    tony

  2. Saturday, December 31, 2016

    dear tony, im thinking about driving for uber and or lyft 

    omg sounds fun.

    heres a few things you should know.

    your car is gonna get dirty on the inside and outside.

    youre gonna use more gas than you expect.

    youre gonna put a bunch of miles on your car.

    repairs are going to be needed.

    not everyone is gonna be nice (but most will be).

    so the first tip i have for you, especially now that the new year is moments away: Get a small notepad, something that will fit in your glovebox. This will be by your side as you drive.

    What to write in it: every trip write down the time you got to the spot, what time you dropped them off, and how much you are supposed to get paid. (Sometimes the payouts are wrong and omg mysteriously they are never in favor of the driver.)

    Also write in it your odometer when you start driving for the day and when you have stopped. (There is software you can buy too, an app called Sherpa Share, which is good, but this is an analog log.)

    Also write in any time you do repairs, get gas, get a car wash, pay tolls or parking or buy water for the passengers or aux cords or anything for the car that you are using for ridesharing.

    Once a week take a picture of the pages for that week so you have this backed up digitally in case your notebook gets lost, stolen, burned up in a terrible fire.

    Yes this notebook is good for taxes, but it will also show  you if what youre doing is profitable. Which may be a goal of yours.

    Get SiriusXM and play either Metal or Jazz. 

    the majority of your passengers will say they don’t care when you ask them what music they wanna hear and thats exactly why this country is in the toilet.

    young people today can name a half dozen kardashians but not one ted nugent record. wtf is that?

    so basically if you’re under 60 i have the station on Ozzy’s Boneyard. if you’re older i’ll put on Real Jazz which is old school Monk, Trane, Bird…

    the ride can be and should be an education. and as with most things in life, it starts with the sweet tunes.

    best of all you can write off the subscription.

    sometimes people, particularly young people, will ask for the AUX cord.

    heres my question, if they asked for the steering wheel would you give it to them? of course not.

    never let anyone grab your aux cord because the first thing they want to do when they get it is ask you to crank it.

    trust me when i tell you, you do not want to crank their music.

    not even for the 15 minutes that the average drive consists of. of all the tips, this may be my best one.

    do not do it.

    they will pout, they will threaten your beautiful driver rating, but trust me. ignore the plea.

    instead, say: i have every channel on sirius, which one do you wanna hear.

    and then play ozzy when they say uhhhhhh.

    Babies are OK if they have a car seat.

    if they don’t have a car seat they don’t get a ride.

    if anyone complains just say, “look im on probation. i can’t go back.”

    they’ll understand

    dogs are ok if they can do a trick or if i can take a picture.

    most people who bring dogs are women. no one knows why. they usually smell a tiny bit because they’re dogs, but they magically bring joy to you and your ride and it lingers.

    have some air spray or some orange peels or something that can get that dog smell out of there once he leaves because i promise you it will smell like a dog a little no matter what their owner says.

    you will be hit on. resist.

    if one thing leads to another and your passenger wakes up with her uber driver next to her and doesnt remember how it all happened, her memory will never create a romance story. it will be a horror film. slow mo. you will go to jail. no one believes the uber driver about anything. no one. give her your number if she insists, but don’t call her back until the next day.

    if you must.

    the media is obsessed with uber drivers and i have yet to read the story about juliet meeting her romeo the uber driver.

    get a dash cam, preferably one that has two cameras, one that points forward and one that goes backwards. i have the Falcon. it costs about $140, sometimes you can find it as low as $100. i only have the camera pointing forward recording most of the time. but if trouble lurks i tap two buttons and the rear camera is on along with my announcement, “for your safety and mine, the dashcam is now recording audio and video and its being stored in the cloud.” shit mellows out quickly when they hear that. bad news: it’s not really being stored in the cloud. good news: it’s usually drunk people being verbally abusive that you have to say this to and they don’t know.

    why do i have the forward facing camera rolling at all times? because people cray and if someone hits me in the front of my car i have video of it. because, no one would believe the uber driver without it. you can write this off too.

    take a lot of pictures. youre gonna see some weird shit.

    only let people eat in your car in the daytime. people spill. if they spill at night you might not ever see it and sploosh theres some ketchup on the white jeans of your next passenger. no good for anyone.

    if its not busy i will take you through the drive thru. but you have to buy me a shake. and let me take a picture. and give me some fries.

    but only if its day time.

    you can try to be a nice guy who goes in the burger king drive thru at 2:15am on a friday night but one person is gonna barf which is gonna make everyone else barf.

    you are the boss of your life. my life has very little puke.

    you can cancel rides you know. sometimes you should.

    when the passenger orders the uber it tells them how far away you are. it tells them how many minutes it will be. rarely in LA are you further than 10 minutes away (btw don’t take rides where you have to drive more than 10 minutes to get to them).

    so when you show up, and you are waiting and waiting, what i like to do after waiting two minutes is i text them this: “hi this is uber, i am [in the driveway/in front of 1234 Boogie Woogie Ave/in valet] is that where I should be?”

    two things may happen. sometimes they never respond. hard to believe since they just used that very same phone to order the uber. or they will text back with “coming” or “be right there”.

    if after 5 minutes of waiting they are still not there (and you know the time because you have written it in your notebook) you can cancel and you will get $4.

    even if they say, “turn on the meter” do not. the meter on uber/lyft rolls slower than you would ever imagine. it’s pennies. not a lot of pennies. maybe 5 pennies. a day. for waiting. fuck that. cancel. the server took forever? no, YOU took forever. thanks for the money.

    drive at all hours of the day and night.

    but know the worst time is from 1:30am – 3:30am. why? it’s a vomitpalooza, no one gets to your car in a reasonable time, the roads are filled with drunks and cops, people are cold hungry and have to pee, some people are crying, some are trying to have sex in your car, some fall asleep, some try to get violent. nowadays it only surges for 20 minutes or so around when bars close – it’s not worth it. go home at 1am.

    and often the best time is at 6am. theres little traffic. often it’s rides to the airport. have a clean trunk at all times.

    Once you start driving you will get a referral code for new drivers. They will ask you questions. Answer them. The best way that they can thank you for your knowledge and ongoing tips is for them to sign up using your referral codes (yes you should drive for both Lyft and Uber)

    My Uber code is https://partners.uber.com/i/8q88tl

    My Lyft code is https://www.lyft.com/drivers/TONY3772

    The robots will take this away from us one day. Until then, enjoy the ride.

  3. Tuesday, December 20, 2016

    do i love life? yes. 

    has it sunk in that the Cubs are the champions of the World? no.

    do i love my job? yes

    do i love my side hustle? yes.

    do i love my president? yes.

    do i love the lying fuck replacing him? no.

    do i hope he gets removed? no. because his closeted 2nd in command is even worse because he’s secret about his evil.

    have i seen a lot of great movies this year? no.

    have i kissed a lot of great girls this year? not a lot.

    have i had some good times this year? yeah duh. come on man.

    do i have a five year plan? yes. i plan to be alive in 5 years.

    is there a blogger im in love with? yes.

    do i still love my ex gfs? yes.

    is there enough room in my heart for all of that love? omg so much room.

    do i get enough sleep? no.

    is my apartment clean? no.

    are my cats happy? yes.

    will the cubs repeat? yes.

    will they threepeat? yes.

    who do i have losing Sunday for the Losers Pool? Arizona

    do i believe this story about the Maryland girl and the drug sniffing dogs? i believe everything.

    do i believe Trump will release his tax returns? yes.

    do i think anyone will care? yes.

    do i think anyone in power will care? no.

    do i think he will be a good president? i think he will be the worst.

    do i think he will grab anyone in the pussy when he’s in office? well now that he knows that thats where some ppl put their weed, probs.

    do i think Anything good will come from Trump being president? i think news organizations, newspapers, cable news programs, and magazines will make a yuge comeback because he will do so many outrageous, illegal, immoral, and unbelieveably bad things that we will need several scorecards to keep track of them all. and then he will be booted and Pence will do just as many evil tidings but it will take actual journalism to out them and they will be outted and people will care because Pence does not hold any spell over the American populace because even Joe Sixpack knows Mike Pence is full of shit and does not represent him. and then the newspapers will clean up in aisle gay. and then Cory Booker will rise and poof, before you know it we will have another black president and girls wont have to hide plants in their hoo haws any more and people will be able to pee in whichever bathrooms they want and the ozone will come back and gas prices will lower and we will all have electric cars anyways so there you have it amen.

     

     

  4. Tuesday, October 25, 2016
  5. Tuesday, October 18, 2016

    Dear Tony, Will you be wearing Cubs colors to Dodger Stadium? 

    Longtime reader Ralphy 999 says: It appears you are taking the Cubs thing serious. That’s OK, but please don’t wear your Cubs hat and shirt out in the parking lot at Chavez. It could get you seriously hurt. Some of the Dodgers fans are meaner than rattlesnakes. Especially those from the barrios. They take it just as serious as you do. As they have shown in the past.

    Dear Ralphy,

    Almost every day I wear my Cubs hat. When I don’t I wear a Cubs shirt. Tonight I might even wear Cubs condoms.

    I appreciate the energy of Dodger fans, but if anyone understands respect it’s my amigos from the barrios.

    Cub fans represent. We may not have tattoos, but we sport the colors. For over a century we have lost so that others may win.

    If fans want to forget that very recent history, I will gladly remind them. If they want to throw down, well, I wouldn’t recommend them squaring off against a former XBI agent, especially during the playoffs.

    But yes, of course I will be wearing my Cubs hat and my Carlos Zambrano jersey. How would anyone be able to positively I.D. me if something unforeseen goes down?

    Speaking of, if someone gets a lucky shot in and that’s it, make sure they play this version of this song at my wake.

  6. Wednesday, September 21, 2016

    a trio of Ask Tony questions appeared on my Facebook 

    jack and cokechris asks, Whats the protocol for calling BS on friends of friends racist posts? 

    it’s so interesting that you ask this because im about to finish reading the bible for the 3rd or 4th time (but who’s counting?) and Sunday i read this line in 2 Timothy that totally reminded me of Facebook

    23Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorant controversies; you know that they breed quarrels. 24And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, 25correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, 26and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will.

    Here St. Paul (the author of the letter to Timothy is Paul) starts off by saying “just totally ignore the haters because you’ll end up in a flame war, and those are for sucker MCs.” but then he says if we are really going to try to be good Christians we have to be super chill with everyone, totally patient, and if you are going to correct someone do it in the smoothest way ever. which in a way is the opposite of a flame, and eventually it’ll work out.

    Personally i have never seen a racist stop being a racist because of words on a Facebook wall. my experience of racism is it is the culmination of years and years of ignorance that starts with someone’s parents and friends and is fertilized over time by a fucked up environment. so i dont see where even the coolest exchange of facts, hyperlinks, and well-turned phrases could undo what years of bullshit formed. so i don’t even try very much any more, even though it can seem so tempting to jump in there.

    Instead I think there are far better places to place ones energies within Facebook, namely the good people in your life who, for whatever reason, Facebook hides from you because you haven’t engaged with them very much. Chill with them instead.

    Peter asks: Is it too soon for Brangelina jokes? 

    on one hand, it is super sad whenever any couple breaks up, especially those with many kids, because divorce affects some kids very emotionally – not to mention the once-happy couple.

    on the other hand, Comedy Is Not Pretty. some of the funniest jokes are dark, tasteless, rude, foul, biting, and OMG WHAT?comedy is not pretty

    but we need comedy, particularly when we see ourselves in others who apparently are having it worse than we are.

    the problem with bashing on Brad and Angie is for all apparent appearances they’re really sweet people. Brad built houses in New Orleans for the poor after a couple of those hurricanes. he produces films that tackle tough issues in artistic ways (The Big Short, 12 Years a Slave, The Normal Heart, Selma, etc)

    And Angie’s list of charitable endeavors was so long that the Academy gave her a humanitarian award a few years ago where even her acceptance speech was selfless, touching and inspiring, focused on her mom who taught her early on that all of us who live a safe, healthy life are extremely fortunate and downright lucky because we could have just as easily been born in another part of the world devoid of clean water, plentiful food or peace. so those of us whose head is above water should help those who aren’t.

    so since there are plenty of more deserving people to make fun of, i will be aiming my barbs at those who are far more selfish and foolish and worthy of my incredible barbs. perhaps you will feel the same way.

    Asher asks: If Tony is at Wrigley Field for the Word Series, how does he react to the national anthem?

    First of all, aint no way I’m going to be at Wrigley for the World Series. The cheapest tickets are going for close to $9,000 and even though i love the Cubs with all of my heart and wear a Cubs hat almost every day and have dozens of Cubs gear, and have lived this way my whole life, i’ve never had $9,000 laying around for such a thing and i sure as hell don’t now.

    But let’s say a miracle ticket comes my way and there i am in the bleachers and someone great like Billy Corgan or Cheap Trick or Bruce Springsteen starts singing The Star Spangled Banner: as much as i am angry and dismayed by so many innocent victims of the police murdering black men, i don’t see how one blogger in a sea of 40,000 Cub fans kneeling or raising my fist would impact anything in the slightest other than making my fellow Cub fans around me feel uncomfortable.

    What has made this protest so fascinating and powerful is it is coming from the players, most of whom have the cameras pointed at them. Because of these players the protest has gained momentum and kept the conversation going. Even if 1,000 fans knelt, the odds of the cameras catching it are minimal, especially on Fox, who will be broadcasting it, who care so little about the game or the viewers that they insist on having Joe Buck ruin it for everyone.

    So no, for once in my life, I would not be trying to change the world. I would be entirely focused on watching my little Cubby world change.

  7. Tuesday, August 23, 2016

    keira-anne from canada-eh asks what the heck 

    chris with mickey mouse

    keira-anne writes: What the heck? You were holding out on me. I had no idea there was a Dodgers Mickey at Dodger Stadium!

    there isnt. and there never was. it was all trick photography.

    but there once was…

    in the year 2010 major league baseball’s all star game was played in anaheim stadium, which is a few miles away from a certain Land.

    circling the stadium were Mickey Mouses painted in the colors and logos of all of the teams.

    vandals destroyed all but two of them: everyone’s favorites, the Cubs and

    the extremely suspicious Dodgers.

    the Cubs donated theirs to a Chicago-area children’s hospital

    and the Dodgers tucked theirs away in the basement of the Alamo.

    weirdly, the basement of the Alamo has a Higgs-Bottom escalator that runs directly into the basement of Dodger Stadium

    Mickey LA gang signand the other night after the Guns n Roses show, my buddy Chris and I were roaming around the basement of Dodger Stadium and remembered about this superfast escalator to Texas and seeked it out.

    sure enough, right behind a door that said Next Week’s Dodger Dogs was a hole with a ladder that brought us to the Higgs Bottom transporter and in less than 10 seconds we were in the basement of the Alamo.

    Chris brought a beer with him to see the effects of beer after particle transfer travel: it turns flat, but gets colder

    after rummaging around the Alamo we took a picture of the birthday boy, took a picture of where Ozzy peed on the Alamo (not pictured), took a picture of where Pee Wee took a tour of the Alamo, and then we zipped back to Cali.

    heres what i can tell you. youd think the Alamo would be cooler. also, youd think a Dodgers Mickey Mouse would be displayed like all the time.

    are the Dodgers and the Mouse mad at each other for some reason?

    do kids just lose their damn minds when theres a Mickey Mouse statue right in front of their eyes?

    is the Dodger Mickey Mouse super bad luck and thats why they shipped it to Texas in the middle of the night?

    none of these questions will ever be answered, sadly. but the next time youre in San Antonio, you’ll know how to get to LA in seconds.

    de nada

  8. Thursday, August 18, 2016

    dear tony, what the hell is this Cub fan doing? 

    cub fan

    the reason the Lord loves us is unknown, but one thing that’s evident is this world is filled with mysteries.

    without surprises and oddities we would be so bored with life that we would not find any pleasure in growing old.

    goldfish often drown themselves out of boredom.

    little known fact.

    my role as a blogger is to entertain, inform and delight.

    which, curiously, is the same job as a Cub fan’s right hand.

    even when surrounded by a couple of dozen of young Asian ladies trying to figure out how they can get on the world famous busblog.

    mystery is one of the things i like the most in life because i get so easily bored.

    so i will not research this too hard.

    i will just let it slide.

    though i will acknowledge it and interesting.

    and then, just leave it there.

  9. Friday, July 29, 2016

    dear tony, why have you never gotten hitched? 

    amber and isally from salsberg ask, so um, if you were sooooo in love with all of your girlfriends, *points* why did you never marry any of them?

    there are two good reasons.

    the first is one that a certain group of people will understand. the second is a reason that only longtime readers of this magical blog will fully get.

    i loved mary, my first girlfriend from high school, with all of my heart. she got me to start writing regularly because we wrote letters to each other sometimes two times a day. often illustrated.

    if i had married mary i would have never met and learned from and experienced life with michele. i loved michele so much that we spent years together without even doing “it”. and if i had married her in her mom and dad’s malibu seaside valhalla, i would have never fully experienced what college had to offer namely the girl with the yellow cowboy boots, the girl who got me up against the cliffs in the moonlight, the one who slid open my sliding glass door in the middle of the night when i thought to myself man do i really want that girl to come over to my house right now and slide open my side door, or the girl i tried to date but we just giggled every time like little kids and even when we kissed bc it felt like two refrigerator magnets with the same polarity, and i would have never have met jeanine.

    if i had married jeanine i would have never moved to frisco when the internet was starting and i wouldnt have experienced the asian nympho, if i had married her id be dead right now and i would have never been seduced by the truest. i loved the truest with all of my heart and we had a great great great run but if we had gotten married i would have never had those wild vegas and canadian and dutch and mexican nights, not to mention the nba cheerleaders and anna and the cuban. who i also loved. so much. and on and on to amber, pictured. who, i fully believe, was put in my life so we could save jeanines life.

    which isnt to say that when people get married, the fun stops, but in my 100+ years ive had some fun that pretty much only a man who is not attached could have. was it deeper fun than the joy of having a wife kids and a mcmansion? probably not. in baseball terms it was a screaming triple and not a game winning home run.

    but you know us black ppl. we know how to steal home.

    which brings us to the real reason. the sad reason. the reason that no one except a few will truly understand.

    when you are in the xbi. the worst thing you could ever do is get married.

    not only because you will probably die a miserable death which would leave your wife a widow and your kids orphans. but often your family is in terrible danger and at risk of kidnap, rape, and murder. incredibly evil people can even threaten such things and it can throw off even the toughest agents. it’s not fair to the ones you love, so usually what happens is the xbi, in their little ways, takes your girlfriends away, “finds” them super handsome incredible dudes, give those dudes tons of cash, and uses xbi ways to make them fall for the gentlemen and forget about the busblog.

    just like how they forgot about dre.

    and then everyone lives happily ever after.

    so as an agent you have to live for the day, keep yr eye on the prime directive,

    and know that your personal sacrifice of that one little slice of life,

    is far more important than

    earthly delights.

  10. Wednesday, July 27, 2016

    dear tony, where’s your jungle fever? 

    2893776813_7ee698ff28 Detective Diana asks, Why don’t you date black women? I’ve seen millions of pictures of you with women, women in your room, on your bed, in your arms, at your table, by your side, and none of them is black! (Your family doesn’t count!) Have you ever gone out with a black woman or do you have a “thing” for skinny white bitches with long (bottle job) blonde hair? And damn it, whyyyyy?

    i know it might look like i blog Evvvvvvery part of my life, but even at my most prolific i was only writing four times a day. take  the most boring man and in his day theres way more than four things to talk about.

    heres the deal with me and nubian princesses.

    when you are the only black kid in town, when you are going through puberty and all you see are white faces, thats what you are going to be attracted to.

    meanwhile when the only time you see faces that look like yours at family picnics and christmas and reunions and stuff, youre probably not going to be attracted to them because they look like your cousin or grandma or sister or auntie.

    but thanks to the world wide web of love and particularly blogging, the world famous reached across the sea

    and one day i caught the eye of a young lady in Holland who wrote a blog called Just A Girl.

    she was funny and smart and one thing i loved (and still love) about blogging is learning about other peoples cultures and food and weirdnesses that happen ANYWHERE ELSE but in the USA.

    which is probably why its no surprise that i have been such a huge fan of Canadian blogs.

    anyways JaG and i would link to each other and email and leave comments and one day

    the Dutch Government

    reached out to me and offered me a vacation in Amsterdam, all expenses paid, including hotel, bicycle, museum pass, and everything.

    i said whats the catch?

    they said no catch just put this little button on your blog and promise us that you will write ONE thing about your trip to the land of the nether

    i said done and done and i wrote JaG and i said America is about to invade

    and she sent me back this very picture

    JAG2

    and i flew to europe and she said something about a possible new boyfriend

    and i said something along the lines of hos in different area codes and she said i dont know that phrase

    i said, if you meet me IRL and you love me

    you must follow your heart.

    at the time i was working for Buzznet, which was Flickr before Flickr was Flickr

    it was also a great community of people from all around the world.

    i said baby im gonna have a Buzznet party and i want you and Bicycle Mark to come and everyone else who

    loves to party and she said done done done

    and i said no pressure but if we fall for each other you will be the first black girl i ever kissed

    so its a good thing you have this fake bf because you really should practice your kissing before i get there

    she laughed and said dont get your hopes up

    932564070_629c7a5829

    so we met and it was beautiful and we hit it off immediately and a party was thrown

    but it was i who was super nervous and i drank too much and i smoked too much and i ate too much and

    soon it was alllll being hurled into the spectacular amsterdam canal

    and i was all now ive blown it, who wants to kiss a guy with vomit breath

    and she escorted me to my five star hotel and she waited for me to brush my teeth and mouthwash my mouth

    and when i got out of the bedroom

    there she was

    and let me tell you this, detective,

    that girl had definitely practiced.

    two years later we reunited in canada

    and thats a story for a way different question.