nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, August 20, 2015

    dear tony, what do you do when things look utterly dire? 

    girl falling

    first, start by knowing that when you die you go to Heaven.

    second, start watching sports.

    what we love in sports is the team who comes back from an impossible deficit, with their star or unlikely star on the ropes, partially injured, undersized, outclassed, who no one believes in anymore

    who makes magic happen when it matters.

    and wins by a narrow margin.

    no one loves the blowout. no one cares for a team that starts strong and finishes strong.

    even the angels and saints want drama, despite what you want.

    speaking of… third, read the bible.

    theres all the stories about david and goliath, but that’s a red herring because david was never the Everyman, he was a superstar with no peers from the get go.

    the better stories are the ones like shadrach meshach and abednego who straight up Trusted the Lord and stayed true to who they were when they were led into the fiery furnace.

    always stay true, ponyboy.

    it’s easy to whine, it’s easy to say oh woe is me, it’s easy to say damn it sure feels like forces are lining against me, but fuck that. life could be a million times worse. theres people with missing limbs, theres people who have babies and the babies are all effed up. theres people who have terrible things that have happened to their faces and brains and imagine what it is like for them to try to find a job

    or try to get a girl to go with them to the dance or even a hay ride.

    crappy as things might be for you, odds are you could find someone to go on a hayride with you.

    start there.

    then remember if parts of life weren’t tough we’d never have poetry or shakespeare or hbo or rage against the machine.

    winter IS coming, fyi

    are you just gonna sit there and whimper and look over at your neighbors green grass and envy what you think is going on over there.

    i’ll tell you whats going on over there

    none of your business is going on over there.

    you have your own life to deal with, and it’s a full life, and it’s yours.

    you are bigger than your struggles.

    you have a terrible flu, youre in utah, and you have the ball.

    do you really want to be known as the black dude who lost a basketball game in utah?

    or do you wanna be known as one of the three bad brothers who casually danced into the firey furnace

    and then breakdanced inside it?

    theres a reason you learned how to pop lock

    theres a reason the Good Lord smiles when He hears your name.

    theres a reason when you walk down the street all the little pretties wave their hand.

    it’s because you can pull off the crazy ass shit

    with style

    that no one thought was even possible.

    which makes them believe They can.

    so if you ever feel like giving up on yourself,

    remember you’re giving up on them as well.

  2. Friday, May 15, 2015

    ask tony: would you sell the busblog for $625,000? 

    veronica sawyer

    I get asked a lot of questions on Facebook. I will answer a few of them here.


    Ben Welsh asks: Would you sell the busblog for $625k?

    This summer the busblog will turn 14 years old. There are over 10,500 posts on here. Some of them are even good.  If someone were to buy this blog for that sum they’re basically paying $60 a post. That’s a ton of dough.

    Although I would feel a little sad to hand over control of this url to someone with those sort of deep pockets, not only would I make that deal in a heartbeat, but I’d throw in the matching instagram and twitter accounts too.

    And then buy a little house with the money. The house the busblog built.

    What would the new blog be called? flyingcarblog, of course.

    Roy Jürgens asks: Tony, are you a digital czar?

    There are very few people i’d deem as Digital Czar-worthy. My old bosses, Meredith, Jen and Jake, for sure. My current boss, Josh, definately. But who else? Are there other people who truly think digitally in a creative way that isn’t full of BS and solely about the numbers? Those people are super rare and usually get plucked to do other things. Jason Goldman is now the digital czar of the White House. His heart is pure, so add him to the list too. But it’s a very short list and until I accomplish something truly noteworthy I do not belong.

    Mary Schneider asks: Do you ever get heartbroken?

    In order to have your heart break your heart has to be in it. My heart is in it all the time, which I don’t advise because I’ve noticed the less you’re into it the more the other person becomes into it.

    Even though it’s terrible when your heart breaks, if it is a clean break you can bounce back very quickly. The worst my heart has broken in the last 4-5 years, let’s say, it was such a horrible but clean break that I only had to grieve for like 72 hours and then I was back in the saddle again. That doesn’t mean I still don’t think about her or care about her, but it was obviously over, so what good would it be to obsess?

    When you read a really good book or get involved in a great TV series you end up missing all of those characters, but when it’s over you’ve gotta move on otherwise you’re one of those creepy fanboys writing fan fiction on Tumblr and not living a real life.

    We only get a few spins around the sun.

    Make em count.

  3. Sunday, March 22, 2015

    Dear Tony, Whats with all the Uber writing and never any about AMPAS? Signed, Mike 

    in a basket

    dear mike,

    in 2004 or thereabouts i wrote a little thing called How To Blog.

    it got turned into a book, a mini series, a 3D film they show at Universal Studios, and in Guam it’s a religion.

    one of the first rules of blogging, i wrote, was never to blog about work.

    blogging’s great, it will get you laid, many riches, and better tables at taquerias, but it can also get you fired.

    id love to write about all of the jobs ive had over the years but Uber is really the only one i feel comfortable writing about because they pretend they’re not my employer and i pretend they dont have the power to can me,

    plus even when i write about my passengers, i just gloss over the bulletpoints.

    for example, got this high school girl who was very sweet but admitted she hated reading and was grateful that at her school the teachers read the books aloud to the kids. i was all what? and this is private school!

    she said they also were given laptops and the teachers say its ok to write notes in the computer of the lectures


    your mother and i pay too much tuition for you to be doing that sweetheart!

    she told me that she hates reading but loves sports but cant play any sports because her grades are so bad.

    all of this from such an angelic face.

    meanwhile shes taking an uber from one side of town to the other as it’s surging!

    she said the grade school she was in was so small that instead of school busses the school would reimburse the kids if they took taxis.

    my mind was blowing all over the inside of my car. it was a mess to clean up.

    so thats why mike

  4. Tuesday, February 10, 2015

    should Jay-Z accept Taylor Swift’s invitation to brunch 

    taylor swift asks jay-z to brunch

    oh hell no.

    when you’re currently married to the most amazing woman in pop music,

    the last thing you wanna do is screw that up in any way.

    i dont wanna say that women get jealous, but ive met some jealous women

    and it doesnt matter if you’re out with a truck driver or a beauty queen

    when you get home you’ll have some ‘splaining to do.

    and there are no correct answers in that interrogation.

    if youre smart you wear a police body camera, but even then a jealous woman will question your every laugh, your answers, the way you didnt proclaim your undying love to your betrothed.

    it’s lonely on top and jay-z knows this. he didnt go after kanye when kanye


    ascended the stage sunday to challenge Beck’s win over Beyonce.

    jay obediently stood by his queen.

    he has 99 problems.

    if he goes to brunch with anyone  else he’ll have 99 more.

    aint nobody got time for that.

  5. Tuesday, June 24, 2014

    dear tony, which of your two jobs do you like the best? 

    do-the-right-thing-spike-leefirst of all i dont have two jobs.

    i have one job that i love a lot and im so honored to have and then i have a fun little thing where i drive people around every now and then.

    the problem with real jobs is you usually cant (or shouldn’t) blog about them too much. real jobs are real jobs and should be respected and honored and written about after you have retired.

    fun little driving excursions should be treated like the fun little weird things that they are.

    even if uber paid as much as my real job did, i dont think i would do it full time. for starters it’s just not healthy to be driving for eight hours a day. at least not for me. my legs get all rubbery, my wrists get sore, i eat horribly.

    also theres no future in driving. you learn about the city a little, you meet cool people, but in 15 years of driving where are you: still driving. then what?

    yes, on this blog the uber thing looks like fun and games, and it is in many ways, but im very happy to have a real job where i also learn every day and am surrounded by really smart people.

    i just dont write about it very much because one of the rules of blogging is dont write about your real work.

    but i will bend that rule today

    for you.

    because i heart you.

    Friday we are celebrating the 25th anniversary of Spike Lee’s Do The Right Thing and i couldnt be happier. that’s one of my favorite movies ever, i think about it all the time, and i can’t wait to hear what spike and some special guests have to say about it friday night at our screening.

    i get to take some instagrams of it, do some tweeting, and maybe shoot a little web video of it. so stay tuned as that will be on our insta: instagram.com/theacademy

  6. Thursday, June 19, 2014

    dear tony, you are amazing and dashing and know everything about blogging 

    creative-clever-tattoos-23-277x400 i am a beautiful young lady living in the hollywood Hills having an blessed life and i want to be a fashion blogger

    for like real.

    ive spent money on a new website, a new car, and a laptop.

    now what?

    how do i make this happen?

    yours in rock,


    dear debra,

    im so glad you wrote me, i dont know how you got my phone number, but this is a legitimate question so i will answer this seriously.

    for starters, what you want is extremely difficult.

    the market is saturated. pintrest for godsake has made it worse.

    theres youtube ppl, instagram, and then all the other people who have been doing it forever.

    thats the bad news, the good news is the market is finicky and disloyal.

    everyone wants something new. the new thing. the new scene.


    you have a lot of things going for you, so maybe you can be that new scene the clickers want so badly.

    as you figure that out, you should probably take a look at canada, where all the answers usually lay.

    put on your winter coat, a Grates shirt, a warm Cubs hat and a scarf

    and buy a party ball for keri cdn because she is living the dream


    keri gets a new car every week, drives it around, writes about it for the paper and her blog

    and for fun writes about digital security and how you can best protect yourself from bad ppl.

    she also catches and releases grizzly bears. bare handed.

    be amazed at keriblog.com

    keri used to live in the same skyscraper as casie in toronto or was it the other way around


    no matter, casie is never home. shes constantly partying exploring or jumping off buildings.

    last weekend chevy gave her a convertible camaro. in white.

    last time she was in southern california her day was packed shopping

    going to disneyland, and then singing on stage at the hollywood bowl with that lady from wicked

    kristin cheneworth or whoever you spell it.

    anyways bloggers get whatever they want. even in canada.

    casie just wants things and they come to her.

    one day she said i want the most awesome sweatshirt ever and pow


    miss 604 and keira-anne wanted vancouver and vancouver island, respectively

    and not only did they get it but canada asked them to design the olympics when it was up there

    but they were busy blogging.

    keira recently got hitched and has been on an extended honeymoon from blogging

    but she’s been doing it so long i cant imagine she’ll be gone for much longer

    meanwhile Miss 604 has had something very special going on over there for a solid decade now.

    beautiful choice of photos, solid writing, and actually all the things a person would want to do up there.

    one of the lessons that i learned from these ladies is: go do stuff and you’ll get invited to do more.

    keep writing, keep taking pictures, keep posting it and making it look good.

    learn from all the other bloggers out there. who is doing something right. how can you beat it.

    maybe you can just outlast them.

    the good and bad thing about the blogosphere is it’s full of quitters.

    let em quit.

    find that thing about you thats different than everyone else and milk it.

    as many times in a row as you can, online, every day.

    me, if i had to do it. id not only have my own blog,

    but id see if i could write once a week

    on LAist.

    the secret path to everything good in LA.

  7. Tuesday, May 20, 2014

    dear tony, how do you get over someone who broke your heart? 

    10345843_790476220970100_5403092493975692544_nthis might be the easiest question ive ever gotten.

    in fact id rather talk about how the Cubs are going to win the World Series in 2016 but get overshadowed by the presidential campaign when Sarah Palin goes up against Condi Rice who will run as an independent.

    our bodies tell us everything but we’re so engrossed in denying it what we want that we dont listen.

    when you eat a bad bowl of gumbo what happens: your body expels it in disgusting and messy ways so that you’ll never forget.

    when our hearts break we have the same feelings but because we are insane and lazy beasts we try to pretend that that hurt didnt actually hurt

    and worse: that the people who did the damage arent actually bad.

    they bad.

    that bowl of chili should be avoided.

    over time you might get used to that terrible chili, but this magnificent universe was not created so that we could get used to bullshit.

    we are here to bask in the glory of creation and dance around in the joys of life, love, and mindblowing fun.

    somewhere we tricked ourselves into thinking that the lack of explosive anal expulsion means that we made the right choices.

    heres when you know youve made the right choice: when youre grinning from ear to ear and your friends think youve been brainwashed.

    unfortunately most of us stay in our safe little comfort zones and we convince ourselves that true love and real happiness are either not possible or can be possible with an upset stomach full of crappy ass chili.

    no, we can be truly happy with people who challenge and respect us who bring us love naturally because they are our match, not because they simply fit the suit.

    how do you get over someone who isnt right for you: throw out everything of theres that reminds you of them, remember that life is short, and never talk to them again.

  8. Wednesday, March 19, 2014

    flowers asked me questions 

    20130930-010031.jpgDaisy: How old were you when you had your first kiss?

    6th grade

    Carnation: If I handed you a concert ticket right now, who would you want to be the performer?


    Jasmine: What color looks best on you?


    foxglove:Name three facts about your family?

    My mom was one of the first black female computer programers, My sister’s pool is as hot as the hot tub, My grandma had 6 german shepards

    Allium:What’s the best thing you can cook?


    Orange Blossom:If you could pick the gender and appearance of your child, would you?

    Yes. If I had a daughter I’d be afraid I’d shoot all of her boyfriends. In the face.

    Calla Lily:If you died right now, what song would you want to play at your funeral?

    Tsar’s “I Don’t Wanna Break Up”

    Poinsettia: Favorite holiday dish?

    That silver platter that looks liek a fish

    Oxlip: Would you ever get into a long distance relationship?

    Thats’ for sucker MCs

    Primrose:Favorite kind of soup?

    Kanpai has a bad ass ramen after 10pm

    Daffodil:What’s the most thoughtful present you’ve ever received?

    The truest got me an expensive camera.

    Rose:Are you currently in love with someone?

    My heart is a flower. It has many petals.

    Amsonia:Would you ever become a vegan?

    Sure, why not. But I would lust for bacon and McRibs. And sushi. And Jello

    Peony:What’s your favorite hot beverage?


    Tulip:For your birthday, what kind of cake do you ask for?

    Birthday cake

    Myrtle:Do you like going on airplanes?

    Yes but I prefer to go in them.

    Hibiscus:Did you ever play an instrument? If so what?

    Sax, drums, and four string guitar.

    Zinnia:Who was your best friend when you were six years old?

    Bob Downing

    Poppy:What color was your childhood home?

    how to blog dogBrown with tan trim

    Hydrangea:Starbucks order?


    Violet:Do you like where you’re from?

    What’s not to like?

    Locust:What was your favorite book as a child?

    The Lew Alcindor Story

    Rhododendron:What’s the scariest dream you’ve ever had?

    I have a recurring dream that I am running from something and I end up in a house that isn’t mine and I can’t get out and the owners of the house are saying who the hell are you and what the hell are you doing here.

    Queen Anne’s Lace:Would you rather carve pumpkins or wrap presents?

    Rap is an artform

    Magnolia:Favorite kind of candy?


    Aster:Would you rather be cold or hot?

    Hot hot

    Marigold:Do you listen to what’s on the radio?

    Constantly. Especially Howard 100

    Heliconia:Do you like when it rains?

    Sure, because that’s God saying wait till you see what Wrigley Field is gonna look like soon.

    Azalea:What’s a movie you cried while watching?

    80 percent of them

    Dandelion:Do you think you’re important?

    I don’t think the NSA does, but I know the IRS does.

  9. Sunday, March 16, 2014

    adam bradley carlson asks, “tony do you still have that shirt?” 

    2007 with the girls in vancouver

    in the summer of 2007 i went to vancouver and had a great time with keira-anne, corrina, miss604 and many others

    and some of my best memories is taking pics of us holding our mammaries

    while i wore this killer AC/DC shirt given to me many years ago by one Mr. Os

    today corrina’s husband adam tweeted me wondering if i still had the sweet silk shirt.


    till i die, my man

  10. Wednesday, March 12, 2014