nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, November 22, 2017

    danielle in san diego asks 

    my love,

    Why do churches have so many white vans? What are they for? Why white and completely non descript.

    It’s suspect.

    To say the least.

    lovely danielle,

    theres an office building on sunset near the beverly hills line in west hollywood. it overlooks bootsy bellows.

    i got a ping today and the passenger was in front and i tried to make a u-turn but i ended up being forced to go into the parking structure, getting a little ticket but then making the u-turn and hoping that there would be no charge, there wasn’t, and finally exiting and seeing her there.

    she was in her 60s, platinum hair. law professor out here on vacation.

    as she talked i thought i heard something.

    do i detect a midwest accent? i asked.

    i’m from chicago, she said. i turned around my cap and said, did you see this?

    she laughed. no, i missed that. and we were off.

    i asked her if she went to the cubs victory parade, she said, not only that but my husband and i went to a world series game.

    it was hot today. 85 or so. the AC was on and when she said that i turned it down one tick so i could hear her clearly.

    he said, im gonna do it. i said if you do don’t tell me any of the details, she said.

    i said, tickets were four thousand dollars. each.

    she said, i told him and now i will tell you, do not tell me the details.

    she laughed.

    later i asked her something about her husband and she paused and said, he’s passed now.

    but he had a long life and got to see the Cubs win the world series after all.

    churches have white vans so they can go to baseball games undercover when they should be doing something dumb like buying wholesale incense.

  2. Tuesday, August 22, 2017

    dear tony, why is everything terrible and only getting worse 

    in the days of Chimpanzees, i was a blogger.

    and what i learned during that beautifully explosive era is: context.


    are things terrible?

    only the important things.

    are they getting worse?

    yes, but just technically.

    in all your favorite movies here’s the structure:

    the main characters are introduced

    you fall in love with them

    then their lives are fucked with ruthlessly

    and at some point they say Fuck This Shit and do something spectacular.

    and if it’s a really good movie they are challenged again

    and if it is a super great movie they team up with someone you overlooked in the first act

    and TOGETHER they kick the crap out of the evil that’s bumming everyone out.

    we are about to find ourselves involved with the Something Spectacular

    we are about to do the things that we always knew we could do but for some reason we have not seen the need to kick it into that higher gear. but i promise you that gear exists and it will take a little more than just moving the gear


    from the upright, locked position

    and into the downlow, unlocked re-position.

    to get there we will need to mash the


    we are about to be clutch.

    things are about to move in ways that they were designed.

    in ways that will create magic.

    in ways that will serve others.

    it is right for you to question.

    but it is best if you realize that you are the answer.

    so let’s rock.

  3. Tuesday, July 11, 2017

    dear tony, i have worthiness issues 

    tony. i am rich. i am beautiful. i have a house that is shaped like a boat and my girlfriends come over and we frolic and drink wine and wear floppy hats.

    but when my husband comes home i wonder, LIKE ALL THE TIME, do i really deserve this life? and it haunts me. 

    ive spent thousands in therapy. but i come to you. what can i do?



    dear floppy hat woman,

    for a long time i was in your shoes. and they hurt. you wear crazy high heels.

    but you also have shoes that dont fit you. they are for someone else.

    your house, your man, and your inflatables, though, are for you.

    how do i know? because you have the key, the ring, and when you jump in your pool you are not arrested.

    it is yours. own it. fucking pee in the pool for all i care.

    your life is yours. but i will be honest here. i know that no matter what you do, no matter who your shrink is, no matter how much you give to charity or how often you drown your anxiety with pills and booze, you will never be truly satisfied because of this:

    you know as well as i do that this isn’t the final exam. you and i both know that the empty spot in your heart has nothing to do with sex drugs band girls money.

    and unlike what yr shrink says it has nothing to do with your mommy or daddy. they may have contributed to that annoying voice in your head but Clowntime is Over, Elvis. you’re a big girl now. shake it off.

    the only person you should care about is Jesus.

    how is that scoreboard in Heaven gonna read out when you’re done with these little games on Earth that have to do with carpet samples and hiding cords into dry wall? will Jesus accept you into Paradise City?

    and why should He?

    pouring out soup to homeless on Skid Row isn’t the answer either, although it’s a good step in the right direction.

    but ask yourself, how are you with those around you? are you a real friend, are you a good wife? are you a good kid. are you helping like REALLY helping your hood? or are you selfish? it’s not really What Would Jesus Do, but what would Jesus want You to do.

    He wouldn’t want you to be a fucking dipshit brat thats for sure.

    But bigger than that: he would want you to be Wonderful.

    so be Wonderful.

    every day.

    take a break on Sunday.

    but get back to it during the week.

    you know how to be wonderful to everyone.

    why on Earth would you hold that back.

    ps dont pee in the pool.

  4. Monday, March 20, 2017

    dear tony, would you ever move to NYC 

    i feel like everyone should live in either NYC, Chicago, SF, or LA.

    of those i feel so lucky to have spent so much time in LA.

    it’s been incredible to watch it change over the last 30 years.

    id consider moving there if i was making hella money.

    my rent here is right where it should be.

    the only trick to renting is to get in low and stay there. hunker down.

    i got so lucky. so many friends. so much love from Above.

    it would take something very special for me to leave this good thing.

    i suppose i could find myself in another good thing, real estate wise.

    i suppose i could find a big bag of weed in the gutter.

    i suppose a super hot girl out of nowhere could tell me on the phone that she thinks im so good looking

    i suppose i could get a dream job.

    all of these things have happened before.

    why would they ever stop happening

    unless i stopped believing.

    so yes i could move to the top

    of the best building of all

    in nyc if i wanted

    but do i wanna

    is a better


  5. Sunday, March 19, 2017

    dear tony, crazy question for you 

    let’s say you and i are getting it on.

    it’s casual. sexy texts during the week. i send you a flood of nudes.

    some amazingly not safe for work.

    then i come over. i try on some outfits for you.

    one thing leads to another and we part ways with beautiful smiles and la la la

    whats the quickest way for me to end it all

    and for you to hate me forever?


    runway model

    + + +

    dear runway model,

    this couldn’t be an easier question for me.

    arrange for a meet up on tuesday

    reschedule it on tuesday for saturday

    and on saturday, just hours before the rendezvous,

    cancel it.

    trust me, you’ll never hear from me again.

  6. Thursday, March 2, 2017

    dear tony, has it really been a week since youve blogged? 

    this is easily the longest time i’ve gone without writing in this beautiful magical blog.

    sorry, i was busy.

    Andrew asks, How do you keep your forehead so wrinkle free?

    I rub white girls on it.

    Tim French wonders, What’s your favorite sandwich topping, and why?

    Miracle Whip because it makes my 99 cent store cold cuts go down smooth and also because brown spicy mustard is rarely brown enough nor spicy enough.

    Asher asks, Are you now the only person allowed to tweet behind the scenes at the Academy Awards?

    My role the other night was to shoot the Snapchat story. It was pretty good mainly because I wasn’t distracted doing other things like Tweeting. In fact I don’t even think I tweeted on my personal account that day/night.

    Jennie Roth queries, You have four hours to kill in downtown Toronto before the MG show next Saturday. What do you do?

    I love this question. I have a pint with Pitt and Viv, then we go ice skating in that outdoor skate rink I think it’s Nathan Phillips Square or Jack Layton Circle. Then of course some poutine on Queens and then puke it out somewhere on the way to the gig.

    Cheryl Devall asks, Who are you wearing in that photo?

    Friar Tux!

    Rob Shisler asks, Mr. Tony, your campaign seems to have the momentum of a runaway freight train. Why are you so popular?

    I’ve never been popular. Even when this blog was getting 40 comments a day every day I was barely in the Technorati Top 200. This was back when there were only 200 blogs. But what I do have are an amazing group of friends and virtual friends who love real conversations about actual topics and not baloney. How did I attract them? All blessings come from Above.

    Kate McLaughlin wonders, What advice would you give to your 18-year-old self?

    Take more pictures.

    Smelly Danielley asks, What kind of moisturizer do you use? 

    Hempz! (My mom got it for me)

    Patrick Pitt asks, How do you want to be remembered?

    As an honorable reflection of my mom, Isla Vista, and Generation X.

    Bill Downing queries, Have you picked a running mate in 2020?


    Mike Lazzaro wonders Bourbon/Whisky/Scotch?

    Maker’s Mark / Redbreast / Gross

    John Smith asks, do you ever work with celebrities now that you work at the academy?. . . and if so, who are the coolest ones to work with?

    Other than hey can I take your picture? I can’t say I really work with the moviemakers. That may change soon. But so far I’ve noticed that everyone has been super cool and very easy to work with. For some reason everyone is nice to us at the Academy.

    Adam Mefford wonders, Which celebrity are you most often confused for?

    J. Lo

    Dave LaDelfa asks, Do you have any advice for young people trying to break into the industry?

    Read as many biographies and autobiographies of people in the industry as you can. It’s shocking to me how many young people make the same mistakes of the generations that came before them.

    Dave Coelho queries, How many games will the Cubs win this year?

    113 in the regular season, 7 in the playoffs, 4 in the world series, so 124?

    Mat Gleason asks, Bryant, Schwarber and one pitcher of my choice for Trout straight up, you make that trade?

    Schwarb is probably better placed in the AL, and the Halos will for surely lose Trout, so I would part ways with my favorite Cub for the MVP of the AL, but I would not give up the NL MVP. We have a lot of depth in the IF, I’d toss in Addison Russell, Jake Arrieta and one more pitcher.


    Alyson Shane asks, What has been your favourite career-related experience so far?

    It’s pretty tough topping interviewing Hugh Hefner inside the Playboy mansion

    Emilio Reyes Le Blanc wonders, Was the Oscar statue crafted from your physique?

    It’s an artist’s rendition of what I will look like in 4-5 years if i gave up fast food.

    DVL asks, Who invented liquid soap and why?

    Charles Manson invented it. He hates bars.

    Delores Dyer wonders, How do you heal a broken heart?

    Like most things, you gotta kiss your way through the pain.

    Kevin Davis says, Ok So youre on a boat. And you get married. Now that boat crosses the international dateline, so technically, its the day before. Are you still married?

    My fear of commitment is the exact reason why I avoid boats.

    Dave Olson asks Have you won a Tony Award?

    No but lovely Shawna from Vegas went this year and took this picture for me.

    Mary Schneider wonders, How much residual white powder is left in the bathroom at the Kodak theater?

    People do those things when they want to get up. Don’t you think you’re already as up as you can be when you are at the Oscars?

    Bob Downing asks, Can you please list your 2017 NL Central picks, and playoff/World Series picks?

    1. Cubs 2. Ditka 3. Brew Crew
    2. Then the Cubs beat the Dodgers in the playoffs then the Cubs beat the Mets in the other playoffs.
    3. Then the Cubs beat the Red Sox in the World Series

    Michael Katz asks, Is Joe Flacco a elite quarterback 

    Hell no.

    Todd Cox wonders, why are fire engines red?

    Because they don’t apply enough lotion before they go outside

    Craig Wong inquires, Who’s more macho? Fernando Lamas or Ricardo Montalban? Who’s more macho? Lord lamas or montalban?

    Mr. Fantasy Island is super macho especially in the episodes where he gets pissed off.

    Nancy Rommelmann asks, What’s the old-school place to eat in Chicago, but not crusty?

    The Billy Goat underneath the Tribune

    Randy Holloway wonders, Why do you hate the best franchise in baseball?

    The World Champion Chicago Cubs are my all time faves. Maybe you’ve seen my hat(s)

    Guy Gottlieb sorta asked, Why didn’t you wear your hat to the Oscars?

    I didn’t want to draw any attention from our invited guests.

    Phil Shelly wonders, Why can’t you use a white, red, or black car while being an extra on Chicago Fire?

    Because those are the ones they blow up

    Tony Klecha asks, Stones or Beatles?

    I like actual music, so Stones

    Keith Johnson asks, The Thin Man or Boston Blackie

    I fucking loooove The Thin Man!

    Michelle H. Gurdal asks, What is your purpose?

    I hope it’s to make amazing Bible movies, cuz that’s what I plan to do soon.

  7. Sunday, February 19, 2017

    dear tony what do i do 


    First time caller, long time reader. 

    Last month I finally had sex with this beautiful woman after a long break. It was surprisingly wonderful. 

    Every week since then we’ve flirted online, through text, and even by phone. Each weekend I thought we had plans to reunite but she would find an excuse to cancel. I thought she was sincere until today when she told me she was going to get “some ass from Tinder. LOLs”. 

    What happened? What should I do?


    dear fullerton,

    block her number and never talk to her again.

    it doesn’t sound like she felt the same way about your encounter as you do. she probably was hugely disappointed. you probably did everything wrong. but dont feel bad. women are complicated creatures. some want you to pull their hair and call them derogatory names, some want you to pamper them and touch them as softly as a butterfly.

    even if they tell you what they want you can’t trust it. because women are also human. (like you and me). how many times have you wanted a gigantic pizza but when it arrives you eat one little tiny piece and just go to sleep.

    it happens to them too. but with schweens.

    you probably didn’t ring her little bell.

    and if you did it reminded her of someone else. not your fault (probs).

    it’s over. forget about her. be happy you even had contact with her even once. there are some schmucks who won’t get any alllll year. maybe not next year either. life is an acid trip. stay hydrated. avoid mirrors. (and cops)

    if she calls you hang up.

    you might be a total loser, but you’re not someones bitch.

    learn a skill,


  8. Saturday, December 31, 2016

    dear tony, im thinking about driving for uber and or lyft 

    omg sounds fun.

    heres a few things you should know.

    your car is gonna get dirty on the inside and outside.

    youre gonna use more gas than you expect.

    youre gonna put a bunch of miles on your car.

    repairs are going to be needed.

    not everyone is gonna be nice (but most will be).

    so the first tip i have for you, especially now that the new year is moments away: Get a small notepad, something that will fit in your glovebox. This will be by your side as you drive.

    What to write in it: every trip write down the time you got to the spot, what time you dropped them off, and how much you are supposed to get paid. (Sometimes the payouts are wrong and omg mysteriously they are never in favor of the driver.)

    Also write in it your odometer when you start driving for the day and when you have stopped. (There is software you can buy too, an app called Sherpa Share, which is good, but this is an analog log.)

    Also write in any time you do repairs, get gas, get a car wash, pay tolls or parking or buy water for the passengers or aux cords or anything for the car that you are using for ridesharing.

    Once a week take a picture of the pages for that week so you have this backed up digitally in case your notebook gets lost, stolen, burned up in a terrible fire.

    Yes this notebook is good for taxes, but it will also show  you if what youre doing is profitable. Which may be a goal of yours.

    Get SiriusXM and play either Metal or Jazz. 

    the majority of your passengers will say they don’t care when you ask them what music they wanna hear and thats exactly why this country is in the toilet.

    young people today can name a half dozen kardashians but not one ted nugent record. wtf is that?

    so basically if you’re under 60 i have the station on Ozzy’s Boneyard. if you’re older i’ll put on Real Jazz which is old school Monk, Trane, Bird…

    the ride can be and should be an education. and as with most things in life, it starts with the sweet tunes.

    best of all you can write off the subscription.

    sometimes people, particularly young people, will ask for the AUX cord.

    heres my question, if they asked for the steering wheel would you give it to them? of course not.

    never let anyone grab your aux cord because the first thing they want to do when they get it is ask you to crank it.

    trust me when i tell you, you do not want to crank their music.

    not even for the 15 minutes that the average drive consists of. of all the tips, this may be my best one.

    do not do it.

    they will pout, they will threaten your beautiful driver rating, but trust me. ignore the plea.

    instead, say: i have every channel on sirius, which one do you wanna hear.

    and then play ozzy when they say uhhhhhh.

    Babies are OK if they have a car seat.

    if they don’t have a car seat they don’t get a ride.

    if anyone complains just say, “look im on probation. i can’t go back.”

    they’ll understand

    dogs are ok if they can do a trick or if i can take a picture.

    most people who bring dogs are women. no one knows why. they usually smell a tiny bit because they’re dogs, but they magically bring joy to you and your ride and it lingers.

    have some air spray or some orange peels or something that can get that dog smell out of there once he leaves because i promise you it will smell like a dog a little no matter what their owner says.

    you will be hit on. resist.

    if one thing leads to another and your passenger wakes up with her uber driver next to her and doesnt remember how it all happened, her memory will never create a romance story. it will be a horror film. slow mo. you will go to jail. no one believes the uber driver about anything. no one. give her your number if she insists, but don’t call her back until the next day.

    if you must.

    the media is obsessed with uber drivers and i have yet to read the story about juliet meeting her romeo the uber driver.

    get a dash cam, preferably one that has two cameras, one that points forward and one that goes backwards. i have the Falcon. it costs about $140, sometimes you can find it as low as $100. i only have the camera pointing forward recording most of the time. but if trouble lurks i tap two buttons and the rear camera is on along with my announcement, “for your safety and mine, the dashcam is now recording audio and video and its being stored in the cloud.” shit mellows out quickly when they hear that. bad news: it’s not really being stored in the cloud. good news: it’s usually drunk people being verbally abusive that you have to say this to and they don’t know.

    why do i have the forward facing camera rolling at all times? because people cray and if someone hits me in the front of my car i have video of it. because, no one would believe the uber driver without it. you can write this off too.

    take a lot of pictures. youre gonna see some weird shit.

    only let people eat in your car in the daytime. people spill. if they spill at night you might not ever see it and sploosh theres some ketchup on the white jeans of your next passenger. no good for anyone.

    if its not busy i will take you through the drive thru. but you have to buy me a shake. and let me take a picture. and give me some fries.

    but only if its day time.

    you can try to be a nice guy who goes in the burger king drive thru at 2:15am on a friday night but one person is gonna barf which is gonna make everyone else barf.

    you are the boss of your life. my life has very little puke.

    you can cancel rides you know. sometimes you should.

    when the passenger orders the uber it tells them how far away you are. it tells them how many minutes it will be. rarely in LA are you further than 10 minutes away (btw don’t take rides where you have to drive more than 10 minutes to get to them).

    so when you show up, and you are waiting and waiting, what i like to do after waiting two minutes is i text them this: “hi this is uber, i am [in the driveway/in front of 1234 Boogie Woogie Ave/in valet] is that where I should be?”

    two things may happen. sometimes they never respond. hard to believe since they just used that very same phone to order the uber. or they will text back with “coming” or “be right there”.

    if after 5 minutes of waiting they are still not there (and you know the time because you have written it in your notebook) you can cancel and you will get $4.

    even if they say, “turn on the meter” do not. the meter on uber/lyft rolls slower than you would ever imagine. it’s pennies. not a lot of pennies. maybe 5 pennies. a day. for waiting. fuck that. cancel. the server took forever? no, YOU took forever. thanks for the money.

    drive at all hours of the day and night.

    but know the worst time is from 1:30am – 3:30am. why? it’s a vomitpalooza, no one gets to your car in a reasonable time, the roads are filled with drunks and cops, people are cold hungry and have to pee, some people are crying, some are trying to have sex in your car, some fall asleep, some try to get violent. nowadays it only surges for 20 minutes or so around when bars close – it’s not worth it. go home at 1am.

    and often the best time is at 6am. theres little traffic. often it’s rides to the airport. have a clean trunk at all times.

    Once you start driving you will get a referral code for new drivers. They will ask you questions. Answer them. The best way that they can thank you for your knowledge and ongoing tips is for them to sign up using your referral codes (yes you should drive for both Lyft and Uber)

    My Uber code is https://partners.uber.com/i/8q88tl

    My Lyft code is https://www.lyft.com/drivers/TONY3772

    The robots will take this away from us one day. Until then, enjoy the ride.

  9. Tuesday, December 20, 2016

    do i love life? yes. 

    has it sunk in that the Cubs are the champions of the World? no.

    do i love my job? yes

    do i love my side hustle? yes.

    do i love my president? yes.

    do i love the lying fuck replacing him? no.

    do i hope he gets removed? no. because his closeted 2nd in command is even worse because he’s secret about his evil.

    have i seen a lot of great movies this year? no.

    have i kissed a lot of great girls this year? not a lot.

    have i had some good times this year? yeah duh. come on man.

    do i have a five year plan? yes. i plan to be alive in 5 years.

    is there a blogger im in love with? yes.

    do i still love my ex gfs? yes.

    is there enough room in my heart for all of that love? omg so much room.

    do i get enough sleep? no.

    is my apartment clean? no.

    are my cats happy? yes.

    will the cubs repeat? yes.

    will they threepeat? yes.

    who do i have losing Sunday for the Losers Pool? Arizona

    do i believe this story about the Maryland girl and the drug sniffing dogs? i believe everything.

    do i believe Trump will release his tax returns? yes.

    do i think anyone will care? yes.

    do i think anyone in power will care? no.

    do i think he will be a good president? i think he will be the worst.

    do i think he will grab anyone in the pussy when he’s in office? well now that he knows that thats where some ppl put their weed, probs.

    do i think Anything good will come from Trump being president? i think news organizations, newspapers, cable news programs, and magazines will make a yuge comeback because he will do so many outrageous, illegal, immoral, and unbelieveably bad things that we will need several scorecards to keep track of them all. and then he will be booted and Pence will do just as many evil tidings but it will take actual journalism to out them and they will be outted and people will care because Pence does not hold any spell over the American populace because even Joe Sixpack knows Mike Pence is full of shit and does not represent him. and then the newspapers will clean up in aisle gay. and then Cory Booker will rise and poof, before you know it we will have another black president and girls wont have to hide plants in their hoo haws any more and people will be able to pee in whichever bathrooms they want and the ozone will come back and gas prices will lower and we will all have electric cars anyways so there you have it amen.



  10. Tuesday, October 25, 2016