nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, July 27, 2016

    dear tony, where’s your jungle fever? 

    2893776813_7ee698ff28 Detective Diana asks, Why don’t you date black women? I’ve seen millions of pictures of you with women, women in your room, on your bed, in your arms, at your table, by your side, and none of them is black! (Your family doesn’t count!) Have you ever gone out with a black woman or do you have a “thing” for skinny white bitches with long (bottle job) blonde hair? And damn it, whyyyyy?

    i know it might look like i blog Evvvvvvery part of my life, but even at my most prolific i was only writing four times a day. take  the most boring man and in his day theres way more than four things to talk about.

    heres the deal with me and nubian princesses.

    when you are the only black kid in town, when you are going through puberty and all you see are white faces, thats what you are going to be attracted to.

    meanwhile when the only time you see faces that look like yours at family picnics and christmas and reunions and stuff, youre probably not going to be attracted to them because they look like your cousin or grandma or sister or auntie.

    but thanks to the world wide web of love and particularly blogging, the world famous reached across the sea

    and one day i caught the eye of a young lady in Holland who wrote a blog called Just A Girl.

    she was funny and smart and one thing i loved (and still love) about blogging is learning about other peoples cultures and food and weirdnesses that happen ANYWHERE ELSE but in the USA.

    which is probably why its no surprise that i have been such a huge fan of Canadian blogs.

    anyways JaG and i would link to each other and email and leave comments and one day

    the Dutch Government

    reached out to me and offered me a vacation in Amsterdam, all expenses paid, including hotel, bicycle, museum pass, and everything.

    i said whats the catch?

    they said no catch just put this little button on your blog and promise us that you will write ONE thing about your trip to the land of the nether

    i said done and done and i wrote JaG and i said America is about to invade

    and she sent me back this very picture


    and i flew to europe and she said something about a possible new boyfriend

    and i said something along the lines of hos in different area codes and she said i dont know that phrase

    i said, if you meet me IRL and you love me

    you must follow your heart.

    at the time i was working for Buzznet, which was Flickr before Flickr was Flickr

    it was also a great community of people from all around the world.

    i said baby im gonna have a Buzznet party and i want you and Bicycle Mark to come and everyone else who

    loves to party and she said done done done

    and i said no pressure but if we fall for each other you will be the first black girl i ever kissed

    so its a good thing you have this fake bf because you really should practice your kissing before i get there

    she laughed and said dont get your hopes up


    so we met and it was beautiful and we hit it off immediately and a party was thrown

    but it was i who was super nervous and i drank too much and i smoked too much and i ate too much and

    soon it was alllll being hurled into the spectacular amsterdam canal

    and i was all now ive blown it, who wants to kiss a guy with vomit breath

    and she escorted me to my five star hotel and she waited for me to brush my teeth and mouthwash my mouth

    and when i got out of the bedroom

    there she was

    and let me tell you this, detective,

    that girl had definitely practiced.

    two years later we reunited in canada

    and thats a story for a way different question.

  2. Tuesday, July 26, 2016

    tony, why bother having sex? 

    Juliette and the licksBecky with the good hair asks:

    What is the purpose of sex? Be brutally honest and please leave LOVE and procreation out of your answer! I’m talking about the physical act of sex; I’m just going to assume you love every single woman you’ve ever boinked *eye roll* Why bother having sex? Is it a) to get yourself off; b) to get your partner off or c) to get yourself off, thereby getting your partner off? Please don’t tell me what you think sexy babes want to hear or risk ruining any shot you might have boinking them!

    every once in a while you’ll meet someone who magically clicks with you

    you dont have to think about what to do, you dont have to worry about what youre saying, everything is perfect

    its like all of a sudden you know how to swim

    or youre fluent in italian

    everything she does is bella and for some bizarre reason everything youre doing she loves.

    there have been three women in my life where every single time

    it was the most wonderful


    it didnt matter what our emotions were going into it or where we were or what time of day or night it was

    it didnt matter what we were wearing or how much we had to drink

    it was the most beautiful movie or book or dance marathon, but deeper.

    to me it was the clearest proof of the existence of a soul.

    its not something you know is going to happen

    or who can deliver it

    it’s a blessing.

    pure luck.

    a unicorn.

    it doesnt exist except for every time

    and each time feels like a dream.

    thats why.

  3. tony, how are we supposed to feel about the new Cubs closer Aroldis Chapman? 

    chapman getting grilled

    tony, besides being ridiculously handsome, and strong, and funny, and talented and wise beyond your years, you know a lot about baseball, particularly about the Cubs, who just traded away their #1 minor league prospect and two other minor leaguers for Aroldis Chapman.

    Chapman is a unicorn in baseball, a tall, strong, lefthanded hurler whose fastball has been clocked as one of the fastest in baseball history

    of the last 61 fastest pitches recorded over the last two years, how many do you think Chapman threw?

    all 61, tony. ALL 61.

    but because nothing comes easy for the Cubs, their signing came with a catch. two of them actually. the first is easy, his contract ends at the end of this year, meaning he could fly away to another team at the end of this season and the Cubs would have merely “rented” him for this home stretch. 

    but the second isn’t so easy. he comes with baggage. Aroldis Chapman was accused by his girlfriend of choking her. he denies it and she never went forward to charge him. but he also admitted to and was later suspended by Major League Baseball for firing his pistol at trashcans inside his garage, alone, after a dispute with his girlfriend (who was inside the house at the time). the police came out but nothing ever was made of it.

    until now that he is in Chicago. some within the Friendly Confines say this “taints” the feel good squad that includes the bromance of Anthony Rizzo and Kris Bryant (and his dreamy eyes).

    what say you? how do you feel that someone accused of being a girlfriend beater is on your favorite team?

    Curious But Skeptical

    well thats an odd way of framing it, but I’ll bite.

    the last time i checked we still live in the United States of America where not only are you innocent until proven guilty but once you are formally accused you have the right to Due Process, meaning you go to court, and all the evidence comes out and a jury decides whats what.

    the interesting thing about court cases is they sometimes bring about omg facts that were missing in the original account of the alleged crime.

    if you think i am being soft on Chapman because he is a Cub and is probably the missing ingredient for my beloved Cubs finally winning the World Series, you would be way off.

    i was raised in a house of three people: my mom and my sister. if i found out that any man, including a left handed closer with a 105 MPH heater laid hands on either of them I would probably murder the man. on Periscope.

    likewise I think condemning someone without Due Process is also evil. we have a process. it hurts me that more battered women do not always participate in that process, and i do understand why they dont, but we do not have a justice system of “Fuck It He PROBABLY DID IT”. other civilizations have that one and it’s a way bigger nightmare than ours.

    because this is a sensitive situation and we do have SOME evidence, let’s review it and see what we can see.

    Less than a year ago cops came to Chapman’s home in Florida. Lots of people were at his house including his girlfriend and her brother.

    she said

    When police got there the girlfriend said that she FOUND SOMETHING ON HIS PHONE that they started arguing about

    he retrieved the phone and walked to another part of the house. she followed him, still arguing — all of this is her testimony.

    finally he pushes her against the wall and her brother separates them.

    she runs off, hears one gunshot.

    ok from that account is that domestic abuse? domestic violence? or something a little less horrible?

    luckily we have his take too

    he said

    he agrees that they were arguing about his cell phone and its contents.

    he says he poked her pinched her and she dramatically fell to the ground and started yelling, which prompted the brother to come in and push Him to the ground.

    Chapman got up and wanted to drive away but his friends wouldnt let him leave.

    so in the passenger seat, he grabs a gun, locked himself in the garage and starts shooting inside in the garage.

    his friends lock him in his room and the cops came.

    things he’s guilty of:

    you should never put your hands on a woman

    you should never have things on your phone that your girlfriend is gonna get pissed at

    you should never own a gun in florida because those are known to go off – especially during heated arguments

    why are you shooting at things in your garage? bullets ricochet!

    things he is not guilty of:

    when we think of domestic abuse, none of what was written in the police report rises to the level of domestic violence.

    unlike me, Cubs President Theo Epstein is a genius and cares just as much about Team Chemistry as speed of a fastball.

    i seriously don’t think that with all of the talent that the Cubs have to trade for a strong arm that Theo would have traded for Chapman if he thought a) Chapman could actually become a domestic abuser b) thought Champan ever did anything illegal or immoral to his girlfriend or c) is emotionally unstable

    Indeed here is what the young man said yesterday about his girlfriend, who STILL is his girlfriend and who still lives with him


    so enjoy this team and enjoy the Cubs march to many years of triumph.


  4. tony, how do you feel about ppl who delete tweets and blogs? 

    smoke monster

    i have known people who were chronic Deleters.

    while on one hand it’s perfectly fine to change one’s mind, on the other hand its a foolish attempt at control.

    you don’t control anything when you delete things on the web. it’s a web, what you put out there sticks. people screenshot it, people cache it. the web caches it.

    but most importantly people remember.

    and deleting things helps them remember because it brings more attention to it.

    i loved a girl a while ago who started blogs, twitter accounts, facebooks, and would regularly delete them. turned out she was bipolar and refused to treat her condition.

    it also turned out she was not being totally honest with the people in her life and her digital footprint often outted her for being less than truthful with some who trusted her.

    from that experience i concluded several things, top of which was people who chronically delete things should probably seek professional help because their vain attempt at control is a symptom of something much deeper rooted in mental health.

    the good news is these things can be treated.

    the bad news is the catch 22: most people with mental health issues don’t realize the depths of their own illness and will fight against the very treatment they would benefit from.

    so the best we can do is pray for them and constantly nudge them in the right direction.

    sometimes it does truly take a village. so if you care about the village, do your part and nudge your loved ones.

  5. Monday, July 25, 2016

    tony why, damnit, whyyyyyyyyy? 

    sass and her friend in my crib

    Felicia from Reseda asks: Why are you such a fucking slob? Are you really THAT lazy or does life just have NO meaning for you? Do you not care what others think of you because YOU don’t give a rat’s ass about yourself? Do you have self-respect? Do you LOVE TONY? Is eating right and exercising and grooming yourself and dressing NEAT (not necessarily nice or sexy!) THAT much of a CHORE/EFFORT? Or, does all that shit take up too much of your valuable time and keep you from blogging and social networking?

    time is the most valuable thing we have. that and our blogs.

    am i a slob? to some. but it’s a messy thing, not a dirty thing. theres no mold. the maid takes care of the dirt and germs.

    me, i love print products: newspapers, magazines, polaroids, paper plates, plastic cups, and the like.

    me, i dont love wasting my days hiding things. hiding things in rows, in boxes, in clear cubes, in closets. me, i like finding things. and if they are on the floor, awesome. if i can find the camera, for example, and two pretty girls are on my bed pretending to be bored outta their gourds, then hi, click!

    does life have NO meaning to me? i have a feeling felicia youre gonna hate this answer, but when you read the Good Book you will see it taught many times that this life does have meaning, but it’s merely a stepping stone for Heaven. our riches, our treasures, our real meaty substance that you probably also yearn for is not here. it cannot be organized from goods at the Container Store. i cherish the friendships and miracles that i experience with my friends and loves but they pale in comparison for what this is all leading to. and on my gravestone i doubt it will ever say, he kept a tidy room or omg you shoulda seen his closets.

    do i not care what others think about me because i dont give a rat’s ass about myself? excellent question. early in my life i learned that i could care deeply about what others thought of me OR i could not give one crap about that. i chose the latter, precisely because i care about myself. perfect example: when i was but a lad i saw mr. bruce springsteen write and perform one of the biggest most touching records ever: Born in the USA, a show where he sold out the LA Coliseum 4 or 5 times over. thats like a half million people just in LA loving him. he took time out of the show to bring up volunteers from the LA food bank, he performed an anti-war song, and he spoke sincerely and deeply about love, loss, and pink cadillacs. he played each show for four hours and tickets were only like $30.

    and still when we got out of the show there were protesters, on the radio there was hate, and in the paper there were articles about the Springsteen Backlash. it taught me very clearly that no matter what you do or say or sing, there will always be haters. you cannot win over everyone. so simply do your best to win over the Lord. and Jesus don’t care if you have old bottles of beer on the wall. he just wants your heart to be pure.

    do i have self-respect? probably

    do i love myself? frequently

    is eating right and exercising and dressing neat that much of a chore? yes and it’s boring and a waste of money. if someone loves fat bald tony with clothes from target they probably love my heart, not my smoke and mirrors, which is way better because theres gonna be another train coming through with better smoke and mirrors any minute now.

    dont be fooled by the outside, young skywalker, close yr eyes and feel the force.

  6. Sunday, July 24, 2016

    tony are you proud of TONY? 

    game of thronesa mysterious stranger at ask lana asks this mysterious question.

    Are you proud of TONY? Notice, I didn’t ask: are you proud of your ACCOMPLISHMENTS, but asked if you’re proud of YOU! Mothers and gods aside; I’m not asking if you are WORTHY of someone’s respect or love or admiration; I’m asking if what you think and feel and believe and how you behave and shit makes YOU proud. Pride doesn’t just come from actions; a lot of it comes from how we THINK; our attitudes, not just our personalities. You can have a great PERSONALITY because you have restraint and know enough not to step on any toes or ruffle any feathers; but!!!!! Attitude is that feeling you have about shit on the INSIDE! Are you proud of THAT? Why or why not?

    no. none.

    pride, like jealousy, is foreign to me and always has been. probably since school when i would write or do something that i thought was spectacular and the teacher would say “meh”. at that point i learned whatever alleged “pride” i had didn’t matter in the formula.

    also theres this: the few times i have achieved great success it was always a team effort. thus the feeling i had was Fortunate, not Pride. i was lucky to have been on the lake park high school marching band drum line. i was sooooo lucky to write at the daily nexus. and likewise i was so lucky to get hired and then get to run LAist with all the great people i got to work with. all of those so called individual awards or stories or poems or actions were learned from my surroundings or inspired by the spirit. my input was minimal other than staying out of the way of imminent greatness.

    when i went to the Times and we were hugely successful, that was a variety of things: an interesting math theory regarding (frequency of posts By talented reporters Plus SEO plus great editing plus timing multiplied by Digg/Reddit). but none of it would have happened if i was not allowed the green light to try it on all of the desks at the paper (luck times patience). the theories derived not from my head but from the total feedback from the Technorati Top 100: boingboing did it, so lets try it. it had little to do with me.

    even when i blog something good on this blog or think about this blog as a whole, pride does not factor in because this is merely an evolution of keeping a diary in school in a wired notebook to creating a web site to then using blogger and now wordpress.

    is the farmer proud when the seed and water and dirt makes a fruit? no, he thanks God and moves on.

    of course there are exceptions. this is the only one i can think of.

    while at UCSB, at the Nexus, i was given an internal award from my peers. they voted me the best arts and entertainment writer of the paper my junior year. i was proud because there were probably 10 other people who could have won that. our paper was stacked. we’d win best in state for that section that next year and the next couple of years.

    so to be voted positively by the people i respected the most meant more to me than when i won state the next year for the whole section.

    because duh we were better than everyone else, but how were we viewed internally: that always fascinated me.

  7. tony are you sure you’re black? 

    two years oldcynical and new busblog reader Lana [Turner??] from naturobetic has many many questions.

    Are you absolutely SURE you’re black? I’m having a hard time buying THAT, too! I saw many pics of you and you only look part black in one. Is your father black or part black? I saw your mother’s pic; she doesn’t look black, either. Were you adopted?

    And does “being” black REALLY give you permission to call people the N word? Or even utter the N word? It was wrong for Paula Deen and it’s wrong for you! Or, do you just wish you were black ’cause it’s cool?

    the great thing about looks is they are deceiving.

    when i was born and until i was in about the third grade i was very light skinned, much like the relatives i had on my fathers side of the family. we think my moms dad is cuban, but he could just be canadian.

    you see, the records of black people, are not as detailed as those of other races because, well… guess.

    my mother and father are really black. they met at a historically black college in Tennessee because believe it or not, but not that long ago blacks were not allowed to go to a lot of colleges – particularly in the south. even if you were light skinned.

    so they went to school, met, fell in love. my dad was the president of his fraternity – a black one. my mom was the star of her sorority (also, black).

    and when they got married and had children they had two little black kids. one was light skinned one was dark skinned.

    like most kids we visited santa in december – long after any summer tan would have worn off and when i was in 1st grade this is what we looked like. she was clearly darker than me. and freaked out by Mr. Claus

    me and my sister and santa

    then just a few years later we saw him again and something miraculous happened

    she was no longer *much* darker than me. also she had chilled.

    keep smiling

    and just look how my afro was starting to really get gorgeous.

    as i got older i got darker. maybe theres a scientific term for it.


    and my afro just got bigger.


    so anyway, yes, black. and yes, the shade of my skin has lightened since high school.

    it’s weird. but real. it’s not a skin disease. i have no blotchy areas.

    but, still, black and beautiful. not adopted.

    and with that, yes, i can use the n word. much as i like.

    and i can travel freely to any part of town.

    plus, when youre light skinned like i am, you can also travel freely to all parts of town.

    nowadays, especially since i shave my head, mexicans think im mexicans

    middle easterners think im from the middle east.

    and people tend to project whatever theyre most comfortable with.

    as someone who enjoys being a reporter, it’s a great blessing.

    is being black “cool”?

    it wasnt when i was a kid

    until i made it cool.

  8. tony why are you shy? 

    lana del reynew busblog reader Lana [del Rey???] from naturobetic has many many questions. and as you will see, the queries cannot be resolved simply with a yes or a no and she asked that i remain as frank as possible. so the next batch of posts will be her questions, unedited, and my responses, for yr ass

    1) Why are you shy (especially in person)? I’ve seen some of your picture; you don’t look like a little kid (anymore). You seem to be at an age where you SHOULD be comfortable in your own skin (so to speak).

    Why are you so fucking reserved? It’s good you have restraint and don’t go off on crazy people like me who dare attack the “world famous” busblog but you not being able to tell people what you really mean or what you really want to say (in person) is odd, given you’re almost 100 fucking years old and should have all the confidence and wisdom in the world by now, so as not to fear their reaction(s)!

    Why damn it…WHYYYYY?????!!!!!????? What’s REALLY stopping you from “opening up?”

    i didnt start off shy. when i was in kindergarten i was seated next to the shiest kid so we would balance each other. i was hyper and bubbly and he was introverted and quietly hilarious. we were best friends throughout school until i moved to sunny california, we are still friends today and will attend a cubs game in a few months.

    we also experienced something that affected me a lot more than it affected him. somewhere in grade school he and i and one other person were considered “gifted”. they put us three in a separate classroom and taught us advanced math and science. we got to work on computers. the pace was much quicker. and while it was great to not be so bored in class, i hated being separated from my other friends.

    before this happened, we had originally been separated by some of our friends because they put is in “the advanced” classes. that was a little easier because those classes had 20+ kids. but i missed my burnout long haired friends and all the others. but being in a class of 3 — it almost felt like we were being punished for something. also i rejected the idea that the rest of my friends were dumb or slow or whatever the powers that be thought.

    so early on i “learned” that to be perceived as smart brought along the exact same results as being perceived as not-smart: isolation, extra work, limited social opportunities, and an unasked for sign over ones head that says Different.

    i was already the only black kid in school. why would i want another reason for people to see that i didnt fit in? kids want to feel like they belong. not that theyre aliens.

    so one of the indirect lessons i learned from my actual shy friend was if you chill out, you wont stand out, and you wont get kicked out. sadly we both fucked up when we took the standardized test and answered all 500 questions perfectly.

    since then i have been reluctant to either give 100%, shine the light super bright, or take off the clark kent glasses because when i do, it can be super annoying for all parties involved.

    wear dumb clothes, dont spell check, and for heavens sake study the one thing no one of any sense really cares about: the good book.

    for some reason im not shy around journalists.

  9. Thursday, July 21, 2016

    hey tony, how havent you gotten married yet? 

    me and etiennedear tony,

    ive read your blog. ive read your tweets, ive seen your instagrams,

    ive read your palm, ive audited your taxes, ive investigated your tarot.

    you are a libra on the scorpio cusp. bad moon rising. 

    you’re healthy, semi-wealthy, and wise. 

    you have no problem talking with women or making even the most uncooperative of us smile.

    you’re nearly 100 years old (black sure dont crack). so why havent you gotten married ever?

    my guess: you are afraid of commitment, intimacy, and you hide behind your blog.


    Famous Expert

    dear expert,

    some of what you say is true. i am wise. and im healthy. the rest, you should do more research.

    i am not afraid of anything except the good lord (rightfully) nixxing me from Paradise.

    when it comes to romance i go all in. i’ll fly to foreign lands, i’ll fly the lands to me.

    i pay for everything. i give up everything.

    i do all of the things ive seen other men refuse to do, not because of any other reason than i think its fun.

    but there are several outside forces that, if you have truly read this blog, i have laid out repeatedly: the first is the undercover agency the xbi. they like it when i am sans babes. i get to help them save the world when im solo. the second is the angels. sometimes they pull apart the good things that i have going so the young lady can blossom somewhere else outside of my every clutching clutches. and the third is me. i am not as incredible in real life as i am on the www. i dress very badly, i have a spare tire belly, i eat at mcdonalds like every day, and i dont have a jealous bone in my body. believe it or not, that bothers some ladies.

    regardless, i do not have the same goals as many on the planet. i do not think a wife, kids, and a minivan is the key to happiness. i think it can bring happiness. and im sure i could have been happy if one thing led to another and poof i was softball soccer dad driving my spawn to the bowling alley for tapdance lessons. but for some reason it didnt work out that way.

    and i am willing to conclude that thats fine.

    do i look at some of my friends and sigh and think wow, fucking kickass house, fucking sweet pool, fucking beautiful fam? yes. do i ever, even for a minute think, i wonder if that was me?


    because that is nothing at all who tony pierce, xbi agent to the stars, busblog uber driver to LA, was meant to do.

    for better or worse i was not put here to pay off a mortgage.

    for worse or better i was put here to kiss pretty girls from around the world.

    and then write about some of it

    and take pictures in a canadian mirror after being interrogated by the border patrol

    for you.

    and you.

    and them.

    because they are busy raising the next generation and paying off that mortgage

    and driving to tennis camp.

    and when they see what i have to say

    which is

    none of this is true

    they wont be tempted to do it too.