busblog

nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, April 13, 2016

    why i like to sit in the bleachers 

    one day i want to make a tv series, a sit com, about angels in heaven and how they look down and comment and futz around with this or that to make things better

    in one of the episodes i want to explain why wrigley field in chicago was clearly aided by Someone Above

    in part because there isn’t a bad seat in the house

    other than those behind poles

    and how the best seats in the joint are probably the humble backless benches in the bleachers

    i like to sit there because, and no disrespect, but i believe the best fans are there

    in the olden days they used to also be the most frugal, but due to the secret getting out that the bleachers are so unique at wrigley, the same bleacher seats that i used to pay $3 for in high school now go for $64 and can cost three times the price of sitting in the upper deck ($21).

    at dodger stadium the secret isnt out yet so theyve converted the right field bleachers into an all you can eat gorgefest. for as low as $33, but your ticket includes unlimited Dodger Dogs, nachos, popcorn, peanuts, Coke products and bottled water. if i ran the joint id also have people guessing your weight, giving you back scratches, and doling out investment advice, but

    at Wrigley you feel right on top of the players when youre in the bleachers.

    at Dodger Stadium, they dont want you that close. theyre nervous. maybe they should be nervous. everyones trying to be a star in LA.

    in Chicago we already know we’re stars. if youre trying to prove something to people, youre probably an out of towner.

    theres some good seats at Dodger Stadium, but not many, which is why i prefer the bleachers there. at least its fun, theres free food, and you get to meet some colorful fans from the IE

  2. Tuesday, March 29, 2016

    dear tony, what’s wrong with me 

    the broadDear My Favourite Blogger,

    SOme times I feel so weird. And not in an art school cool way. But worse. Not in ascary way so don’t worry Tony. But I don’t feel of this Earth,

    Can you relate?

    dear unrelatable,

    sometimes in the morning my computer hesitates and pauses. it needs time to think before it lets me do the things i want to do.

    sometimes the stupid rainbow wheel appears over and over.

    theres two things you can do about it, you can get frustrated and waste time and fight with it.

    or you can just restart that bad boy.

    in life sometimes it’s good to restart. not kill yourself, psycho, but either break up with your boyfriend, get a hair cut, take a shower, or do like what i do, which is either take a nap or walk around the block.

    when i walk around the block i put my head down and remind myself of a lot of the good things that happened in my life that led me here. if something bad enters my head i stop walking and let it pass, then i get on with the good things and keep walking.

    at first it might take a while to get around the block with all the stopping going on, but over time you learn how to train your mind to block out all the things the devil wants to invade your brain with and you can have a peaceful walk that includes

    the time angela romano gave you your first kiss, the time you won best in state in drum line, the time you met your friends at the dorms, the time two smoking hot babes took you into the desert, the time you escaped the clutches of the xbi and did donuts on the frozen lake, the time you got that huge newspaper’s blogs zooming just like you promised, the time you made bruce willis laugh and keep laughing

    and that time you realized the busblog would live forever.

    after walks like that you realize there are so many more things you could add to the list and you feel better and you almost wanna walk around the block again but guess what your computer in your heart has restarted

    and its time to rock.

    good luck weirdo.

    and thanks for the nudes.

  3. Tuesday, March 15, 2016
  4. Tuesday, March 8, 2016

    dear tony, what’s going on with Anna? 

    anna kournikovaTony, 

    Long time reader of the busblog. Going back, wow, 10 years now. I remember checking in and reading you talk about your then-girlfriend Anna Kournakova.

    What’s happening these days with her?

    Is she alive? I never see her in magazines or TV?

    Curious George

    Dear George,

    they say our tastes change every seven years or so. there was a time i didnt like broccoli or blondes or russians or sassy babes but then those things changed.

    now i actually pay real money for broccoli.

    anna started dating a boybander about a decade ago and he never made an honest woman out of her and she never really transitioned into becoming a bigger celebrity after she retired from pro tennis, so would she have been better off with a blogger? duh.

    because beauty starts with the heart she’s still a knockout who still loves short skirts and dresses and long boots and long hair and still sends me snaps from time to time because doesnt everyone?

    do i miss her? no. do i wish her well? meh. im not sure our lives are meant to just be in someone else’s shadow all the time. i think that goes for our kids our bfs/gfs or our spouses. i think we can do it all and have it all. i think some of us are meant to shine – and not just in our 20s and 30s – but all the time.

    anna is a jewel who is in a little box in florida. what good is that? what a waste if you ask me. jewels shouldnt be wasted. but we all knew this was gonna happen the minute she got serious with the pretty boy. oh well.

  5. Tuesday, February 9, 2016

    dear tony, would you ever leave LA? 

    LAsure, for the right opportunity.

    i love california. i’ve lived here for the last 31+ years.

    today, in the second week of february, it’s nearly 90 degrees today.

    the sky is blue, im wearing a short sleeved shirt.

    if my cats wouldnt sneak out, i would have my windows open as i snooze tonight.

    yesterday i walked a few miles in the middle of the night because i was in such a great mood and it was gorgeous outside.

    i listened to the Clash and Kiss and all these great tunes via Spotify and i didnt want my little walk to end.

    could i do that in NYC? probs but i woulda been frozen.

    could i do that in Japan? probs but i woulda stopped at a bunch of sushi bars.

    hollywood has been my home since april of 2001, i know where everything is and where everything used to be

    but in a weird way that now makes it boring.

    in a weird way i wanna learn new things.

    dont you wanna be learning all the time?

    isnt that why kids are so happy?

    isnt that why they grow? cuz their brains are giving them new life?

    isnt it awesome when we meet someone new and they show us their house and theres like a giant projection tv in their house surrounded by all these VHS tapes of all these great movies? isnt it fun to look at all of those movies? isnt it fun to walk into their back yard and sip on a beer as they smoke a cigarette?

    isnt it nice to smell the smoke in the hair of a girl you barely know while she lets you get close enough to smell all of that?

    LA has let me nuzzle up to it for quite a while and trust me, im honored, but the Good Lord has given us a big big globe to explore, Dora

    dont you think we should get out of our bubble, homer?

    i do.

  6. Thursday, February 4, 2016

    dear tony, what if this is it 

    rihannaTony,

    I love your blog. I haven’t been a reader for long, but I always get a chuckle out of your advice. I try to be religious but I have my doubts sometimes (a lot of times). How do you stay so positive? What if there is no afterlife? What then? – Concerned

    Gentle spirit,

    I suppose there could very well be no afterlife, no champagne party on the other side of the Pearly Gates, no conga line being led by Hendrix and Cobain and Marilyn Monroe.

    I suppose it could be that when we die we become worm food and that’s it.

    To me, spirituality is something you feel in your gut, your heart, the part of you that’s not your mind. But you asked online so let me answer you online.

    When I think about things like the human body, how our lungs take oxygen and mix it with our blood and turn the whole thing into energy and life and how our blood circulates and how the antibodies in our systems work and how our skin heals and how our liver filters impurities. And yes, I think about our stomachs and intestines and how they turn that apple i ate and eventually poop it out, I think these bodies we have are the most amazing creations all by themselves – not to mention our brains which can remember things and create things and solve problems. Nor do I mention Love and all of the things that surround that unique concept.

    When I put it all together I find it extremely hard to think that we are given the miracle of life to only live on this baffling crust for a blink of an eye, relatively, and then thats it.

    I think theres something more. I don’t think we are sand castles on the beach that only last a few hours and then go back to the sea. I do think there are all star pants off dance offs after we die with all of your favorite people in history with truly endless shrimp.

    And most importantly, bread that doesn’t make you fat.

    In the meantime I think it is our duty to rock as hard as we can down here so we have something interesting to tell our heroes when we finally meet them in the buffet line, but yes I do think we will get to meet them and i think there will be something interesting to do after that.

    And I think it probably involves guitars

    played loudly.

  7. Monday, January 25, 2016

    dear tony, could you date rihanna? 

    rihannait would be tough to date rihanna, not because i’m pretty bad at handling high maintenance ppl,

    but because my mom doesnt like her.

    which is sad because there arent all that many black super dooper pop super stars in the world

    and youd think shed be rooting for her

    but the day my little niece around the monopoly table started singing

    bitch better have my money

    was pretty much the last straw.

    riri’s travel wouldnt bother me, i’m self sufficient and sometimes the xbi… well lets just say sometimes the busblog is written by committee.

    deep down we understand why rihanna is the way she is. if i was one of the prettiest women in the world and every year or so my records just blew up, and every tom dick and harry was trying to get their dick in me, and i was rocking the courtside seats and just getting prettier and prettier magically and kanye and paul mccartney and lord knows who else wanted to perform with me, and i was getting grammys and co-starring in Battleship

    it would either turn me very humble, or the opposite of that.

    especially if i looked smoking hot in a rain coat.

    could i date her? yes. should she date a blogger? no. would we be a match made in heaven? probs. would i take her to isla vista? no. thats my little special place. would i let rihanna help me build a Motel California on del playa?

    hmmmmmmmmm

  8. Thursday, January 21, 2016

    dear tony, what should we do about global warming? 

    bowieexcellent question

    1. throw any politician out of office if they “disagree” with the scientifically proven fact that it exists.

    2. since it literally is a matter of life and death, create a federal department whose sole purpose is to curb it.

    3. give that agency actual power.

    4. stop giving hundreds of millions of dollars annually in federal subsidies to cattle farmers. “According to the Food and Agriculture Organization of the United Nations, agriculture is responsible for 18% of the total release of greenhouse gases world-wide (this is more than the whole transportation sector).”

    5. buck a gallon global warming tax on gasoline to pay for the agency

    6. reforest the rainforest and if they don’t let us do it, invade them.

    7. pull all of manufacturing out of china until they get their shit together with their pollution. (president trump would make it happen.)

    8. require all new homes and office buildings to have solar panels that make a real difference.

    9. zero income taxes for three years for anyone who has a fully electric car as their primary vehicle

    10. no more night games at wrigley field

     

  9. Friday, December 11, 2015

    dear tony, but i dont want to tip my uber driver 

    when uber was fun

    Tony, I love you. But I really don’t support your request that people tip drivers. If the official policy is there is no tipping, I am not going to believe you if you say you pay taxes on that income like everyone else who makes tips. Of all the laws Uber wants to circumvent, you don’t want to pay taxes on tips either? When Uber changes its policy, I will tip well as I always do. Until then, no. What am I missing? – KB

    Dear KB,

    If your concern is people paying taxes on tips, do you question every other person you tip and wonder what they’re doing at H&R Block?

    Uber’s policy was “the tip is included” but after years of slashing fares it was obvious that on a $4 minimum ride there was no longer a tip included so Uber quietly changed its policy to “no tip is necessary.”

    tip your uber driverMeanwhile Uber has raised its commissions on drivers (in my case from 5% to 28%) and it’s own tip from passengers (hilariously called The Safe Riders Fee) from $0 to $1.80 per ride. Uber also raised its fee if two people want to Split The Fare from $0 to 50 cents on each of the passengers. AND they have now started to charge 50 cents more if you bring a friend with you in an Uber Pool.

    So Uber has figured out more and more creative ways to increase their revenue on rides while drivers’ income has dramatically declined.

    They have never explained why they don’t have a tip button on their app. Lyft implemented one and you’ve never heard passengers say that feature created a poor experience. If anything drivers prefer to drive for Lyft primarily because after a 20 ride day theyve earned enough in tips to fill up their tank of gas.

    But if you are waiting for Uber to change its tip policy – or any policy – into something beneficial for its drivers, you’ll be waiting a long long time. Uber, a company valued at several tens of billions of dollars, does not do things to help drivers. It only does things to help itself. Which is why when I use ridesharing I almost always use Lyft. Mostly because it’s easier to tip the hard working drivers who are using their own cars, paying their own gas, paying their own insurance, and being paid less today than they were a year ago to do the same exact job.

  10. Sunday, November 29, 2015

    someone asked me if i was a political junkie 

    ccr at the taco bell in slo

    im not a political junkie. im no a heroin junkie. im not a tv junkie.

    i like things in reasonable amounts.

    i like buffets because you dont have to deal with all of the nonsense. pay your money, sit down, walk over, fill your plate, get sick.

    repeat.

    for a while i was an uber junkie. i wanted to be driving at all times. it was crazy. i was crazy.

    its still in my head. if you ask me when we can hang out, i’ll say sundays because every other day i want to uber.

    this weekend i didnt wanna uber but i did anyways. the roads were empty but so were all of the hotels.

    no one wanted a ride and there were like triple the uber drivers in my regular spots than normal.

    so i drove home and reconsidered things i should be a junkie about.

    drive thrus