nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, March 16, 2018

    Dear Tony, What is something about you that we wouldn’t believe? 

    something that you wouldnt probably believe is i am extremely shy

    i know i know i know that in real life you might see me out with this one or that one

    but if you notice carefully i dont go to parties, i am never out dancing, i dont wear fancy clothes, i dont go to bars,

    and the only time i throw parties is when i ran LAist some 10 years ago.

    if i won that $420 million lottery jackpot i would be totally content in a nice warm log cabin in the middle of Oregon instead of a penthouse in NYC

    i love people, but the reason i do Uber and put on this outward persona is because i know i need to work at it. i want to get over it.

    because not-so deep down i know i would be America’s happiest hermit if i could be.

    the other day Amber had two days off in a row and i was all what did you do

    and she said NOTHING! and she seemed like she was saying it like she was a loser or something and i was all, baby no way. not leaving the house is one of my favorite activities.

    im glad i was thrown into door to door sales as a kid via Cubs Scouts and Marching Band, im glad i worked at a record store as a teen, and im glad i got to sell on commission while getting through junior college because all of those experiences helped me quiet the voice in my brain that was constantly saying things like

    omg youre weird, see how different you are from everyone, how are you gonna relate to this person, cant you see this couple hates you, why are you even talking!

    i always did poorly in school so that didnt help the voices. i didn’t have much luck with girls until college which also didn’t help. and in truth i AM different than your average person

    which UCSB namely the College of Creative Studies and the world famous Daily Nexus helped me see was a pro not a con. but the old voice in the head has a way of adapting and thinking up new crud to bombard you with.

    but to me the best way to silence the haters is to jump head first into whatever that fear is.

    feel like you wont be accepted by people: talk to as many people as you can, challenge WHY you need to be accepted so badly, and finally stop making everything about yourself and start helping others on their paths.

    i still play the lotteries every week and if i won i would probably buy a big house in the middle of nowhere and do some traveling, but deep down all i want is a nice water bed, a few cold cokes in the fridge and a giant tv with incredible sound.

  2. Saturday, March 3, 2018

    it’s Oscar Saturday, so let’s Ask Tony 

    Oskar asks: what will you be doing this year during the Oscars?

    If you recall, last year I roamed the red carpet, Dolby Theatre and the adjoining Loews Hotel publishing everything cool that I ran into on Snapchat.

    This year I will be doing pretty much the same thing (except with another year of experience under my belt) but on the Academy’s Instagram. Instagram Story to be specific.

    If you aren’t following us already, follow TheAcademy on Instagram and get ready to see all that my All Access pass can provide. I should start the transmission around noonish and end around midnight. God willing.

    What will you see? You will see all the things that you won’t be seeing on TV. So if you want to see it all, tune in to ABC on your TV and have your buddy Tony on your phone or iPad.

    John Smith asks: is it possible to go down to the LA river where they shot the car chase scenes in repo man and grease?

    Yes. But I wouldn’t recommend going down there right now as it has been raining the last few days and that area (just East of DTLA) is flooded and you might screw up your sweet car.

    Tony Kletch asks: Stones or Beatles? 

    I listen to the Stones at least once a week and if a Beatles tune comes on the radio I change it to Ozzy’s Boneyard. With that said, I listen to mostly the Stone’s 70s and 80s era tunes, so maybe my problem is mostly with the British Invasion era 60s stuff. But still, I prefer rock music as compared to pop.

    Mark Johnson asks: Do you support expropriation of land from white farmers to be claimed by the State of South Africa?

    I have the greatest friends. God bless you Mark. I don’t like the expropriation of any thing from any one. HOWEVER I think this is one of those rare moments where you can split the baby. I think instead of taking all the land from the white farmers, only half of it should be taken, and not by the state, but by the native South Afrikans.

    Dougie Gyro asksWill Ohtani be a better hitter or pitcher?

    Hitting MLB pitchers might be the toughest thing in all of sports. However, the Angels want to do this funky 6-man rotation which tells me they aint so confident about his pitching either. I know he’s young. I know he’s Babe Ruth. But I have a feeling they will use him as a SP and DH his first few years but will probably convert him to a long reliever and pinch hitter in years 3-4 when they realize there was only one Babe Ruth and he drank beers with children and ate hot dogs with strippers.

    Michael Katz asks: Is Joe Flacco a elite qb?

    History says nope. And says Jay Cutler should never have been a starter.

    More to come!

  3. Wednesday, February 28, 2018

    dear tony, what do you do about haters? 

    this is an interesting question because if you had asked me this 10, 20, or 30 years ago i would have had a different answer each time.

    at this stage of my life, i say pity them and pray for them because as i look back at those who would have fit in that bucket, most of them, a vast majority were hating

    because they were jealous.

    which is crazy because the things that they were jealous about certainly weren’t my material wealth or runway model good looks or style

    they were jealous about things that they could have had in their lives if they didnt have a gigantic stick up their ass.

    indeed i think most of the haters were sad/mad/jealz because they saw me as an extremely happy person who appeared to enjoy ridiculously good “luck”. and while it is true that i have been genuinely happy for most of my life, it wasn’t luck that did it.  it was values

    including the Golden Rule.

    i think one is happiest when one is helping others and trying to lift others to the place where they want to be.

    when i look back at my biggest accomplishments, it’s not great because i made a million bucks or hooked up with Laker Girls, it’s because i helped good people get to where they were probably gonna get anyway but i was able to help them there quicker.

    and while we did it we had a great time and made some cool art or music or news.

    a lot of sad people are only in it for themselves. they might think that theyre being a good bf/gf, employee or friend, but really their motive is all about them. therefore when Satan creeps around trying to figure out what to whisper in their ear to bum their day, he says things about them “youre fat, youre poor, youre dumb, you keep making the same mistakes, youre sloppy, youre dopey, you’re not creative, you are not even using what you learned in school, everyone hates you” and it works on them because they value Self.

    if Satan tried that baloney around someone who sincerely spends their time in a Supporter role none of that matters. who cares if you’re fat if you’re making others less hungry too. who cares if youre poor if you know that money is a fakeout and you give what you have to others, who cares if they call you dumb if you know the secret to turning someones frown upside down, who cares what they say if you know that smile is on your face for the right reason.

    haters are out there just like rain drops and rush hour traffic. it’s part of the environment and once you live a life of service as opposed to a quest for Self Aggrandizement you will discover your true place in this spiritual slam dance

    and it’s right in the center

    where it’s safest

    and most beautiful.

  4. Friday, February 16, 2018

    dear tony, what can i do if i can’t change her? 

    dear jean,

    you can’t.

    there’s not even a lot we can do.

    all we can do is our own thing and live as pure as we can.

    keeping in mind others are trying to make it happen too.

    and everyone has a different goal.

    hidden goals.

    my goal right now is to make a spiritual miracle from these words.

    my goal is for the Good Lord to hear my 1, 2, 3 and say

    fine, tony, fine.

    my goal is for my 1, 2, 3 to be real and good and as selfless as can be

    my goal is for peace.

    the right kind of la la la. the good kind. you know it when you see it.

    sometimes i will see it and i will say

    oh, right. yes! YES!

    because i had given up on it.

    because i thought it had fluttered away to either nowhere, or into the hands of darkness.

    but there it is sometimes

    right on the tip of yr tongue.

    so here it is for you.

  5. Friday, January 26, 2018

    dear tony, how would you market a microphone? 

    Hi Tony, 

    I appreciate your patience with me, but I really think you’d be a great podcaster. You seem to know everyone in LA, and our company would sponsor your show if you mentioned our microphones (which we would provide, gratis). 

    But since you repeatedly decline, can you help brainstorm with us? We are having difficulty branding our mics – and it’s a very competitive market that we are in.



    whaddup, Mike,

    podcasting is fine, but i’m not sure it’s for me. when i was at KPCC, i saw how difficult audio editing is, and to, me, great podcasting involves great editing – but it also requires fantastic content. i think you are thinking too inside-the-box by focusing on podcasters. think bigger. think Chappelle.

    there are two places where lots of people see people rock the mic: musicians and comedians. bands have all these layers you have to deal with: the label, management, all of their existing sponsors, and who knows what else.

    but comedians — there may be an opening there. and for sure there’s no branding between them and their sole tool: the mic.

    here’s what i recommend. make a mic with a solid blue line that wraps around the shaft right under the meshy part (sorry I don’t know the terms). make another one with a red line.

    send the sketches of the blue mic to Comedy Central and the red one to Netflix. tell them the truth, that when people see a guy like Chappelle on youtube, there’s no way to know if he is doing something from a CC special or a Netflix special unless they’re super fans.

    BUT if people start seeing that blue line on a mic after a while they might start connecting the dots that “oh, that means Comedy Central”. likewise the red one would mean Netflix.

    then you put out ads that say something like, “there’s a fine line between clever and stupid” under all these pics of comedians holding your blue or red mics (depending on which company understands that you are ALSO helping them brand their network).

    yours in rock,


  6. Wednesday, November 22, 2017

    danielle in san diego asks 

    my love,

    Why do churches have so many white vans? What are they for? Why white and completely non descript.

    It’s suspect.

    To say the least.

    lovely danielle,

    theres an office building on sunset near the beverly hills line in west hollywood. it overlooks bootsy bellows.

    i got a ping today and the passenger was in front and i tried to make a u-turn but i ended up being forced to go into the parking structure, getting a little ticket but then making the u-turn and hoping that there would be no charge, there wasn’t, and finally exiting and seeing her there.

    she was in her 60s, platinum hair. law professor out here on vacation.

    as she talked i thought i heard something.

    do i detect a midwest accent? i asked.

    i’m from chicago, she said. i turned around my cap and said, did you see this?

    she laughed. no, i missed that. and we were off.

    i asked her if she went to the cubs victory parade, she said, not only that but my husband and i went to a world series game.

    it was hot today. 85 or so. the AC was on and when she said that i turned it down one tick so i could hear her clearly.

    he said, im gonna do it. i said if you do don’t tell me any of the details, she said.

    i said, tickets were four thousand dollars. each.

    she said, i told him and now i will tell you, do not tell me the details.

    she laughed.

    later i asked her something about her husband and she paused and said, he’s passed now.

    but he had a long life and got to see the Cubs win the world series after all.

    churches have white vans so they can go to baseball games undercover when they should be doing something dumb like buying wholesale incense.

  7. Tuesday, August 22, 2017

    dear tony, why is everything terrible and only getting worse 

    in the days of Chimpanzees, i was a blogger.

    and what i learned during that beautifully explosive era is: context.


    are things terrible?

    only the important things.

    are they getting worse?

    yes, but just technically.

    in all your favorite movies here’s the structure:

    the main characters are introduced

    you fall in love with them

    then their lives are fucked with ruthlessly

    and at some point they say Fuck This Shit and do something spectacular.

    and if it’s a really good movie they are challenged again

    and if it is a super great movie they team up with someone you overlooked in the first act

    and TOGETHER they kick the crap out of the evil that’s bumming everyone out.

    we are about to find ourselves involved with the Something Spectacular

    we are about to do the things that we always knew we could do but for some reason we have not seen the need to kick it into that higher gear. but i promise you that gear exists and it will take a little more than just moving the gear


    from the upright, locked position

    and into the downlow, unlocked re-position.

    to get there we will need to mash the


    we are about to be clutch.

    things are about to move in ways that they were designed.

    in ways that will create magic.

    in ways that will serve others.

    it is right for you to question.

    but it is best if you realize that you are the answer.

    so let’s rock.

  8. Tuesday, July 11, 2017

    dear tony, i have worthiness issues 

    tony. i am rich. i am beautiful. i have a house that is shaped like a boat and my girlfriends come over and we frolic and drink wine and wear floppy hats.

    but when my husband comes home i wonder, LIKE ALL THE TIME, do i really deserve this life? and it haunts me. 

    ive spent thousands in therapy. but i come to you. what can i do?



    dear floppy hat woman,

    for a long time i was in your shoes. and they hurt. you wear crazy high heels.

    but you also have shoes that dont fit you. they are for someone else.

    your house, your man, and your inflatables, though, are for you.

    how do i know? because you have the key, the ring, and when you jump in your pool you are not arrested.

    it is yours. own it. fucking pee in the pool for all i care.

    your life is yours. but i will be honest here. i know that no matter what you do, no matter who your shrink is, no matter how much you give to charity or how often you drown your anxiety with pills and booze, you will never be truly satisfied because of this:

    you know as well as i do that this isn’t the final exam. you and i both know that the empty spot in your heart has nothing to do with sex drugs band girls money.

    and unlike what yr shrink says it has nothing to do with your mommy or daddy. they may have contributed to that annoying voice in your head but Clowntime is Over, Elvis. you’re a big girl now. shake it off.

    the only person you should care about is Jesus.

    how is that scoreboard in Heaven gonna read out when you’re done with these little games on Earth that have to do with carpet samples and hiding cords into dry wall? will Jesus accept you into Paradise City?

    and why should He?

    pouring out soup to homeless on Skid Row isn’t the answer either, although it’s a good step in the right direction.

    but ask yourself, how are you with those around you? are you a real friend, are you a good wife? are you a good kid. are you helping like REALLY helping your hood? or are you selfish? it’s not really What Would Jesus Do, but what would Jesus want You to do.

    He wouldn’t want you to be a fucking dipshit brat thats for sure.

    But bigger than that: he would want you to be Wonderful.

    so be Wonderful.

    every day.

    take a break on Sunday.

    but get back to it during the week.

    you know how to be wonderful to everyone.

    why on Earth would you hold that back.

    ps dont pee in the pool.

  9. Monday, March 20, 2017

    dear tony, would you ever move to NYC 

    i feel like everyone should live in either NYC, Chicago, SF, or LA.

    of those i feel so lucky to have spent so much time in LA.

    it’s been incredible to watch it change over the last 30 years.

    id consider moving there if i was making hella money.

    my rent here is right where it should be.

    the only trick to renting is to get in low and stay there. hunker down.

    i got so lucky. so many friends. so much love from Above.

    it would take something very special for me to leave this good thing.

    i suppose i could find myself in another good thing, real estate wise.

    i suppose i could find a big bag of weed in the gutter.

    i suppose a super hot girl out of nowhere could tell me on the phone that she thinks im so good looking

    i suppose i could get a dream job.

    all of these things have happened before.

    why would they ever stop happening

    unless i stopped believing.

    so yes i could move to the top

    of the best building of all

    in nyc if i wanted

    but do i wanna

    is a better


  10. Sunday, March 19, 2017

    dear tony, crazy question for you 

    let’s say you and i are getting it on.

    it’s casual. sexy texts during the week. i send you a flood of nudes.

    some amazingly not safe for work.

    then i come over. i try on some outfits for you.

    one thing leads to another and we part ways with beautiful smiles and la la la

    whats the quickest way for me to end it all

    and for you to hate me forever?


    runway model

    + + +

    dear runway model,

    this couldn’t be an easier question for me.

    arrange for a meet up on tuesday

    reschedule it on tuesday for saturday

    and on saturday, just hours before the rendezvous,

    cancel it.

    trust me, you’ll never hear from me again.