nothing in here is true

  1. Saturday, July 27, 2019

    this guy should be on TV 

    Erik Jabs of Jabs Family is the baseball card dude who is amazing on youtube

    he opens new super expensive boxes

    he opens older boxes

    fans love him so much they give him cards

    he used to ball hawk a lot

    but maybe the most interesting thing is when he uses his years of knowledge and goes to yard sales


  2. Monday, November 5, 2018

    last month on twitter matt welch asked about this sb little league picture 

    and i couldn’t find it anywhere, and lo, i just ran across it on facebook

    we were probably the coolest little league managers of all time

    but that doesn’t always translate to the wins column

    however, one thing about being 9 and 10 years old, which these boys learned

    probably not from us

    is winning and losing is all relative

    the fact that they were able to turn double plays

    and not piss their pants at the plate

    when, let’s say, that was not in their skill set before we all met and became the Santa Barbara Royals

    is all the winning one needs.

  3. Saturday, March 3, 2018

    it’s Oscar Saturday, so let’s Ask Tony 

    Oskar asks: what will you be doing this year during the Oscars?

    If you recall, last year I roamed the red carpet, Dolby Theatre and the adjoining Loews Hotel publishing everything cool that I ran into on Snapchat.

    This year I will be doing pretty much the same thing (except with another year of experience under my belt) but on the Academy’s Instagram. Instagram Story to be specific.

    If you aren’t following us already, follow TheAcademy on Instagram and get ready to see all that my All Access pass can provide. I should start the transmission around noonish and end around midnight. God willing.

    What will you see? You will see all the things that you won’t be seeing on TV. So if you want to see it all, tune in to ABC on your TV and have your buddy Tony on your phone or iPad.

    John Smith asks: is it possible to go down to the LA river where they shot the car chase scenes in repo man and grease?

    Yes. But I wouldn’t recommend going down there right now as it has been raining the last few days and that area (just East of DTLA) is flooded and you might screw up your sweet car.

    Tony Kletch asks: Stones or Beatles? 

    I listen to the Stones at least once a week and if a Beatles tune comes on the radio I change it to Ozzy’s Boneyard. With that said, I listen to mostly the Stone’s 70s and 80s era tunes, so maybe my problem is mostly with the British Invasion era 60s stuff. But still, I prefer rock music as compared to pop.

    Mark Johnson asks: Do you support expropriation of land from white farmers to be claimed by the State of South Africa?

    I have the greatest friends. God bless you Mark. I don’t like the expropriation of any thing from any one. HOWEVER I think this is one of those rare moments where you can split the baby. I think instead of taking all the land from the white farmers, only half of it should be taken, and not by the state, but by the native South Afrikans.

    Dougie Gyro asksWill Ohtani be a better hitter or pitcher?

    Hitting MLB pitchers might be the toughest thing in all of sports. However, the Angels want to do this funky 6-man rotation which tells me they aint so confident about his pitching either. I know he’s young. I know he’s Babe Ruth. But I have a feeling they will use him as a SP and DH his first few years but will probably convert him to a long reliever and pinch hitter in years 3-4 when they realize there was only one Babe Ruth and he drank beers with children and ate hot dogs with strippers.

    Michael Katz asks: Is Joe Flacco a elite qb?

    History says nope. And says Jay Cutler should never have been a starter.

    More to come!

  4. Monday, January 15, 2018

    happy mlk day 

    this is a picture of MLK

    and his daughter Yolanda

    in their backyard.

    One of my favorite baseball players was Hank Aaron​ who in his book “I Had a Hammer”

    wrote that when he was a teenager he never dreamt of playing in the Major Leagues

    because at that time Blacks were not allowed to play.

    Hank is still alive

    and a member of the MLB Hall of Fame.

    Which shows you how quickly

    beautiful dreams

    you didn’t even know you had,

    can come true.

    imagine the things today’s teenagers

    can’t even conceive themselves achieving today

    due to a plethora of man-made rules

    rooted in bizarre and old school reasons

    like race or sex or religion.

    And then think how much better life will be

    when we destroy those artificial boundaries that hold tomorrow’s heroes back

    like they’re held back today.

  5. Tuesday, May 23, 2017
  6. Sunday, April 23, 2017

    matt and i went to the angels game 

    the junior circuit, whatever, i know i know

    but matt has lived on the east coast since ’07, which if you recall motivated me to write to the Times which lead to that great opportunity

    he’s also an Angels encyclopedia which is helpful because the AL is my blindspot

    i mean it’s soooooorta baseball

    it’s baseball enough.

    lucked out and they were playing the Blue Jays so there were lots of Canadians in the house and families originally from Buffalo who now live in Oakland

    and for some reason they decided to fly to Long Beach because Jet Blue had an amazing deal

    so why not see the Jays take on the Angels?

    i was all Buffalo? one morning i woke up in a toronto hotel with a canadian girl on new years day and i turned on the tv and they were playing hockey in a football stadium in buffalo

    the winter classic, he told me.

    yes! and the snow was coming down in thick flakes all over the ice, but it didnt matter because hockey players are the baddest asses in town. SNOW?

    and then he riffed off three-four stats about that game.

    so on the left, matt was predicting the future on the field (double play, right here)

    and buffalo on the right was filling in the blanks of my past

    on my lap was a thick grilled hot dog surrounded by french fries with shredded short rib on top a healthy scoop of guacamole on top of that, and because why not, an ice cream scoop of sour cream.

    and i was working on a beer.

    it was baseball enough, all right.

  7. Thursday, April 13, 2017

    Lou Brock has bone cancer 

    in the early 70s the Cubs made one of the worst trades in all of baseball history.

    they unloaded the swift footed outfielder Lou Brock for a donkey and three magic beans.

    the donkey ended up hitting about .250 but the magic beans never became of anything

    meanwhile Brock broke all of the major league records in stolen bases and eventually turned into a hall of famer.

    but to me his greatest achievement was when he invented the Brockabrella, the quirky hat that doubled as an umbrella.

    today it was revealed that he has cancer in his bones, reminding us, once again, that life can be cruel and unusual.

    while we have world leaders who gas their own people and others who coerce with our enemies to steal elections, some of the best people in the world suffer for no apparent reason at the time of their lives when they should enjoy the riches that they’ve given the world.

    so tonight when you’re putting on your Brockabrella for your evening stroll, look up at the stars and ask the Lord to have mercy on speedy number twenty.

    the only cardinal who was ever worth a damn.

  8. Wednesday, April 5, 2017

    why are the Frisco Giants and SD Padres playing with each other 

    todays Cubs game against the Cardinals is rained out.

    of course it its. it’s April 5th and the game is supposed to be played in St. Louis. a terrible place, especially in early April, in part because of the people, but also because of the weather.

    on the left coast, for some reason the SF Giants and the SD Padres are playing each other beneath clear skies.

    if i was running baseball, which i should be, the month of April would be games hosted solely on the West Coast, in Florida, Texas, ATL and in domes.

    why wouldn’t they?

    sure the east coast teams and midwest teams would be on the road for the first 30 days, but so what? why put butts in seats in foul weather cities in April? wheres the joy in that, Mudville?

    instead, LA, Miami, Atlanta, Toronto, San Diego, and Seattle all started on the road this week? For why?

    in the last 60 hours the Cubs and the White Sox have been rained out three times in two different cities and the Sox game is in jeopardy vs Detroit tonight. In this modern world where interleague games are the norm, why aren’t the Sox playing in the dome of Seattle and why aren’t the Cubs in LA or SD or AZ?

    Because the MLB schedulemakers want that Cubs Cards rivalry to kick off the season OMG OMG

    well how good is it when there are rainouts?

    last year the Cubs opened in Anaheim. perfect! it’s Opening Day week. fans are excited anyway. you don’t need to hedge your bets and have rivals play right off the bat. the seats will be sold.



  9. Tuesday, March 14, 2017

    everything is a dare 

    theres a pound of ham in the fridge.

    not exactly sure when i put it in there.

    it would be a shame for that pig to have died in vain

    however, if i was a pig i would prefer that you did not eat me, thank you.

    went to my actual doctor today.

    like me, former xbi.

    nbd. omg.

    i told him i was down to a half a coke a day.

    still addicted, eh? he scoffed.

    which i took as a dare.

    which i am taking as a dare.

    theres only a few things that will kill me, he said: coke, drunk drivers, boredom.

    why cant you drink tea?

    in heaven im gonna drink coke every day. maybe even non stop.

    fuckit, in heaven i wanna pee coke.

    but most of the time we talked about barry bonds

    and how incredible his last season was.

    he was 42.

  10. Monday, November 14, 2016

    do you know i love you? i do. 

    westworld was incredible last night.

    there was a subplot about robots holding grudges. something that heretofore was unique only to to humans.

    but because we are so incredible and influential either things try to be like us or end up being like us.

    i have a huge heart. i love so many people. i do whatever i can to help people.

    but i can also be super mean. especially online.

    and in real life boy can i hold a grudge.

    you coulda dissed me in 6th grade and if you didnt say omg omg im so sorry tony

    then if i saw your house was on fire and i was in a damn fire truck driving the thing i wouldnt stop.

    id say burn fucker burn.

    then it comes to ladies. ive been dissed by my share. like anyone. people have let me down. i suppose thats normal.

    and then some have just straight up used and abused me – spiritually.

    it’s weird how some of em i’ll be all, it’s cool, whatevs and some im like yeah naw.

    theres this one who i wanna say baby the end of the world is nigh, ive always loved you

    and i hope youre getting the treatment that you need so badly because youre so special

    but i worry what that message would mean to her. i wonder if she’d take it the right way.

    so i dont send it. i dont send anything. i dont write anything. i think about it sometimes.

    but when i was a college kid i realized something very important: people listen to the devil in their head

    way more than they listen to guy wearing the cubs hat. so fuck it. just do you, negro.

    today i ordered lunch from this one spot and they were all great, that’ll be $27

    i was all, the menu says $14. they were like but you ordered a coke.

    i said yes, please take that $13 coke and shove it.

    i didnt say up your ass because people do put things up there here in LA

    and i would never want to disrespect those people.

    but deep down i dont wanna disrespect anyone.

    because i know how bad that feels.

    next sunday i start reading Revelations in the bible.

    yesterday i was done with Johns letters and i turned the page and saw Revelations was next and i was like

    yeah lets start this next week. shit.