busblog

nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, May 23, 2017
  2. Sunday, April 23, 2017

    matt and i went to the angels game 

    the junior circuit, whatever, i know i know

    but matt has lived on the east coast since ’07, which if you recall motivated me to write to the Times which lead to that great opportunity

    he’s also an Angels encyclopedia which is helpful because the AL is my blindspot

    i mean it’s soooooorta baseball

    it’s baseball enough.

    lucked out and they were playing the Blue Jays so there were lots of Canadians in the house and families originally from Buffalo who now live in Oakland

    and for some reason they decided to fly to Long Beach because Jet Blue had an amazing deal

    so why not see the Jays take on the Angels?

    i was all Buffalo? one morning i woke up in a toronto hotel with a canadian girl on new years day and i turned on the tv and they were playing hockey in a football stadium in buffalo

    the winter classic, he told me.

    yes! and the snow was coming down in thick flakes all over the ice, but it didnt matter because hockey players are the baddest asses in town. SNOW?

    and then he riffed off three-four stats about that game.

    so on the left, matt was predicting the future on the field (double play, right here)

    and buffalo on the right was filling in the blanks of my past

    on my lap was a thick grilled hot dog surrounded by french fries with shredded short rib on top a healthy scoop of guacamole on top of that, and because why not, an ice cream scoop of sour cream.

    and i was working on a beer.

    it was baseball enough, all right.

  3. Thursday, April 13, 2017

    Lou Brock has bone cancer 

    in the early 70s the Cubs made one of the worst trades in all of baseball history.

    they unloaded the swift footed outfielder Lou Brock for a donkey and three magic beans.

    the donkey ended up hitting about .250 but the magic beans never became of anything

    meanwhile Brock broke all of the major league records in stolen bases and eventually turned into a hall of famer.

    but to me his greatest achievement was when he invented the Brockabrella, the quirky hat that doubled as an umbrella.

    today it was revealed that he has cancer in his bones, reminding us, once again, that life can be cruel and unusual.

    while we have world leaders who gas their own people and others who coerce with our enemies to steal elections, some of the best people in the world suffer for no apparent reason at the time of their lives when they should enjoy the riches that they’ve given the world.

    so tonight when you’re putting on your Brockabrella for your evening stroll, look up at the stars and ask the Lord to have mercy on speedy number twenty.

    the only cardinal who was ever worth a damn.

  4. Wednesday, April 5, 2017

    why are the Frisco Giants and SD Padres playing with each other 

    todays Cubs game against the Cardinals is rained out.

    of course it its. it’s April 5th and the game is supposed to be played in St. Louis. a terrible place, especially in early April, in part because of the people, but also because of the weather.

    on the left coast, for some reason the SF Giants and the SD Padres are playing each other beneath clear skies.

    if i was running baseball, which i should be, the month of April would be games hosted solely on the West Coast, in Florida, Texas, ATL and in domes.

    why wouldn’t they?

    sure the east coast teams and midwest teams would be on the road for the first 30 days, but so what? why put butts in seats in foul weather cities in April? wheres the joy in that, Mudville?

    instead, LA, Miami, Atlanta, Toronto, San Diego, and Seattle all started on the road this week? For why?

    in the last 60 hours the Cubs and the White Sox have been rained out three times in two different cities and the Sox game is in jeopardy vs Detroit tonight. In this modern world where interleague games are the norm, why aren’t the Sox playing in the dome of Seattle and why aren’t the Cubs in LA or SD or AZ?

    Because the MLB schedulemakers want that Cubs Cards rivalry to kick off the season OMG OMG

    well how good is it when there are rainouts?

    last year the Cubs opened in Anaheim. perfect! it’s Opening Day week. fans are excited anyway. you don’t need to hedge your bets and have rivals play right off the bat. the seats will be sold.

    ESPECIALLY IF THE WEATHER IS MILD,

    morans.

  5. Tuesday, March 14, 2017

    everything is a dare 

    theres a pound of ham in the fridge.

    not exactly sure when i put it in there.

    it would be a shame for that pig to have died in vain

    however, if i was a pig i would prefer that you did not eat me, thank you.

    went to my actual doctor today.

    like me, former xbi.

    nbd. omg.

    i told him i was down to a half a coke a day.

    still addicted, eh? he scoffed.

    which i took as a dare.

    which i am taking as a dare.

    theres only a few things that will kill me, he said: coke, drunk drivers, boredom.

    why cant you drink tea?

    in heaven im gonna drink coke every day. maybe even non stop.

    fuckit, in heaven i wanna pee coke.

    but most of the time we talked about barry bonds

    and how incredible his last season was.

    he was 42.

  6. Monday, November 14, 2016

    do you know i love you? i do. 

    westworld was incredible last night.

    there was a subplot about robots holding grudges. something that heretofore was unique only to to humans.

    but because we are so incredible and influential either things try to be like us or end up being like us.

    i have a huge heart. i love so many people. i do whatever i can to help people.

    but i can also be super mean. especially online.

    and in real life boy can i hold a grudge.

    you coulda dissed me in 6th grade and if you didnt say omg omg im so sorry tony

    then if i saw your house was on fire and i was in a damn fire truck driving the thing i wouldnt stop.

    id say burn fucker burn.

    then it comes to ladies. ive been dissed by my share. like anyone. people have let me down. i suppose thats normal.

    and then some have just straight up used and abused me – spiritually.

    it’s weird how some of em i’ll be all, it’s cool, whatevs and some im like yeah naw.

    theres this one who i wanna say baby the end of the world is nigh, ive always loved you

    and i hope youre getting the treatment that you need so badly because youre so special

    but i worry what that message would mean to her. i wonder if she’d take it the right way.

    so i dont send it. i dont send anything. i dont write anything. i think about it sometimes.

    but when i was a college kid i realized something very important: people listen to the devil in their head

    way more than they listen to guy wearing the cubs hat. so fuck it. just do you, negro.

    today i ordered lunch from this one spot and they were all great, that’ll be $27

    i was all, the menu says $14. they were like but you ordered a coke.

    i said yes, please take that $13 coke and shove it.

    i didnt say up your ass because people do put things up there here in LA

    and i would never want to disrespect those people.

    but deep down i dont wanna disrespect anyone.

    because i know how bad that feels.

    next sunday i start reading Revelations in the bible.

    yesterday i was done with Johns letters and i turned the page and saw Revelations was next and i was like

    yeah lets start this next week. shit.

  7. Friday, October 14, 2016
  8. Wednesday, July 13, 2016

    yesterday was the all star game, one of my favorite days of the year 

    fuck joe buckit was held in san diego, which is only a few hours away from my home

    seven Cubs were named to the team. the entire infield was Cubs.

    but as you know i hate san diego and i hope it falls into the ocean and gets flushed down into the center of the earths core.

    one reason is because in 1984 the padres beat the cubs in the playoffs.

    this week’s all star game was a celebration of sorts of that 84 padres team. they made everyone wear the brown and yellow shit and piss colors of that year during the home run derby.

    during any other circumstance i might have paid big bucks to see my cubbies take the field and represent. but as i just said i hope Dani Targeryian’s dragons fly down there and burn the whole city down.

    as i was getting ready to watch the game on tv my dear friend Dave, who was down there for work, took a picture of the worst announcer in sports, joe buck, and texted it to me. he went one step further by putting my pride and joy,  the busblog’s url on the picture to enhance the “humor”. i nearly choked on my short rib. as you can see the pretty lady interviewing him is keeping her distance because lighting will strike him one day soon and that day cannot come soon enough.

    so yeah that was part of my yesterday. trying to watch my cubs. trying to forget it was being held in the land that time hates. and trying to squint with my ears as joe called the game. what i noticed was because all of his fantasy boyfriends were on the field he had a hard time ruining the game. boy did he try. but it wasnt actually all that bad.

    he did leave out one huge detail because hes a company man robot and only speaks outloud what is written down in front of him.

    the detail was, the NL was the visitors last night even though San Diego, for all its faults, is an NL city.

    what Joe didn’t mention was in the next couple of years MLB is going to have the all star game in two more NL cities so they let the AL be the “home” team last night because, well, the AL is stinky like SD so may as well let them pretend for a night that theyre at home.

  9. Saturday, May 7, 2016
  10. Friday, February 19, 2016

    a bunch of my friends are Aquariuses so we party in February 

    IMG_8084

    we like to go to Castia de Castia or whatever it’s called because it’s central and they have a big room in the back and a back patio where all the kids can be loud and play and do shots without any of us “old folks” spying on them.

    kidding! the children are actually selling beers to passing strangers at a discount.

    kamikazisone of the kids, the oldest of the mcilvane boys is an excellent baseball player. i taught him everything he knows.

    yesterday he was sporting a sweatshirt for a team he is on. i said The Kamikazes? he said yeah.

    i said, i thought we lived in the politically correct Silver Lake / Los Feliz / Echo Park corridor, how is this possible?

    the boy just looked at me.

    i said, do you know what a Kamikaze is? before he could answer i interrupted, not a delicious drink.

    he said, they are suicide bombers.

    i was a little startled at how concisely he described it.

    i said yes! yes!

    he said, yeah someone got upset and we had to change the name. because our caps already had a K on it, we changed the name to The Kings.

    which was interesting, because here in America, didn’t some of us defect from England because we didn’t wanna be ruled by Kings any more? Didn’t we want some representation to go along with the taxation?

    and then i drove home trying to think of other names that started with K

    The Kanyes

    The Kickstarters

    The Kombuchas

    The Korean BBQs

    The High Flying Kites

    The Killer Kittens

    The Kreepy Klowns

    and then I realized yeah the Kings was probably the smart move.