nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, November 14, 2016

    do you know i love you? i do. 

    westworld was incredible last night.

    there was a subplot about robots holding grudges. something that heretofore was unique only to to humans.

    but because we are so incredible and influential either things try to be like us or end up being like us.

    i have a huge heart. i love so many people. i do whatever i can to help people.

    but i can also be super mean. especially online.

    and in real life boy can i hold a grudge.

    you coulda dissed me in 6th grade and if you didnt say omg omg im so sorry tony

    then if i saw your house was on fire and i was in a damn fire truck driving the thing i wouldnt stop.

    id say burn fucker burn.

    then it comes to ladies. ive been dissed by my share. like anyone. people have let me down. i suppose thats normal.

    and then some have just straight up used and abused me – spiritually.

    it’s weird how some of em i’ll be all, it’s cool, whatevs and some im like yeah naw.

    theres this one who i wanna say baby the end of the world is nigh, ive always loved you

    and i hope youre getting the treatment that you need so badly because youre so special

    but i worry what that message would mean to her. i wonder if she’d take it the right way.

    so i dont send it. i dont send anything. i dont write anything. i think about it sometimes.

    but when i was a college kid i realized something very important: people listen to the devil in their head

    way more than they listen to guy wearing the cubs hat. so fuck it. just do you, negro.

    today i ordered lunch from this one spot and they were all great, that’ll be $27

    i was all, the menu says $14. they were like but you ordered a coke.

    i said yes, please take that $13 coke and shove it.

    i didnt say up your ass because people do put things up there here in LA

    and i would never want to disrespect those people.

    but deep down i dont wanna disrespect anyone.

    because i know how bad that feels.

    next sunday i start reading Revelations in the bible.

    yesterday i was done with Johns letters and i turned the page and saw Revelations was next and i was like

    yeah lets start this next week. shit.

  2. Friday, October 14, 2016
  3. Wednesday, July 13, 2016

    yesterday was the all star game, one of my favorite days of the year 

    fuck joe buckit was held in san diego, which is only a few hours away from my home

    seven Cubs were named to the team. the entire infield was Cubs.

    but as you know i hate san diego and i hope it falls into the ocean and gets flushed down into the center of the earths core.

    one reason is because in 1984 the padres beat the cubs in the playoffs.

    this week’s all star game was a celebration of sorts of that 84 padres team. they made everyone wear the brown and yellow shit and piss colors of that year during the home run derby.

    during any other circumstance i might have paid big bucks to see my cubbies take the field and represent. but as i just said i hope Dani Targeryian’s dragons fly down there and burn the whole city down.

    as i was getting ready to watch the game on tv my dear friend Dave, who was down there for work, took a picture of the worst announcer in sports, joe buck, and texted it to me. he went one step further by putting my pride and joy,  the busblog’s url on the picture to enhance the “humor”. i nearly choked on my short rib. as you can see the pretty lady interviewing him is keeping her distance because lighting will strike him one day soon and that day cannot come soon enough.

    so yeah that was part of my yesterday. trying to watch my cubs. trying to forget it was being held in the land that time hates. and trying to squint with my ears as joe called the game. what i noticed was because all of his fantasy boyfriends were on the field he had a hard time ruining the game. boy did he try. but it wasnt actually all that bad.

    he did leave out one huge detail because hes a company man robot and only speaks outloud what is written down in front of him.

    the detail was, the NL was the visitors last night even though San Diego, for all its faults, is an NL city.

    what Joe didn’t mention was in the next couple of years MLB is going to have the all star game in two more NL cities so they let the AL be the “home” team last night because, well, the AL is stinky like SD so may as well let them pretend for a night that theyre at home.

  4. Saturday, May 7, 2016
  5. Friday, February 19, 2016

    a bunch of my friends are Aquariuses so we party in February 


    we like to go to Castia de Castia or whatever it’s called because it’s central and they have a big room in the back and a back patio where all the kids can be loud and play and do shots without any of us “old folks” spying on them.

    kidding! the children are actually selling beers to passing strangers at a discount.

    kamikazisone of the kids, the oldest of the mcilvane boys is an excellent baseball player. i taught him everything he knows.

    yesterday he was sporting a sweatshirt for a team he is on. i said The Kamikazes? he said yeah.

    i said, i thought we lived in the politically correct Silver Lake / Los Feliz / Echo Park corridor, how is this possible?

    the boy just looked at me.

    i said, do you know what a Kamikaze is? before he could answer i interrupted, not a delicious drink.

    he said, they are suicide bombers.

    i was a little startled at how concisely he described it.

    i said yes! yes!

    he said, yeah someone got upset and we had to change the name. because our caps already had a K on it, we changed the name to The Kings.

    which was interesting, because here in America, didn’t some of us defect from England because we didn’t wanna be ruled by Kings any more? Didn’t we want some representation to go along with the taxation?

    and then i drove home trying to think of other names that started with K

    The Kanyes

    The Kickstarters

    The Kombuchas

    The Korean BBQs

    The High Flying Kites

    The Killer Kittens

    The Kreepy Klowns

    and then I realized yeah the Kings was probably the smart move.

  6. Thursday, December 24, 2015

    not only does shit happen but we’re lucky it does 

    cheesecakethe knuckleball isnt thrown with the knuckles

    it’s thrown with the finger


    the goal is to throw the ball with absolute

    zero spin on it

    so the wind will take over

    and zig it this way

    and then drop it


    when theres a knuckleball pitcher, the catcher puts on a different (bigger) mitt than he normally uses

    because even he won’t know where the ball is gonna land.

    it turns out the randomness of nature, in this example, minor changes in wind patterns

    is better at fooling batters than pinpoint accuracy.

    happy accidents. the joy luck club. putting the ball in mother natures hands. letting go of the illusion of control. mastering that which cannot be tamed.

    because of its difficulty and its steep downside, there are very few professional knuckleballers in the game today.

    if i was 12 years old right now, theres only one pitch i would be working on

    every day, all day

  7. Friday, August 14, 2015

    gambling seems to be paying off 

    gambling is paying off

    last night i was having a bad dream. it was so bad that as i was waking up i thought it would make for a good scary movie. when i fell back asleep i was right back in it. i forget what was happening now, of course, but evil was involved and there wasn’t anything i could do about it.

    rarely do i dream. sometimes they’re good dreams. but i dont even like those because they are lies.

    when i finally did wake up for reals, i reached over one of the sleeping cats for my phone and saw this on it. that i had won $150 on one of my baseball gambling games. it made me feel like i was still dreaming because i have been doing so poorly that i was thinking about stopping.

    every week i would put $20-$30 in my yahoo account and play $2 or $5 games each day. usually i’d do terrible. but for some reason yesterday even though my pitchers didn’t do all that well, almost every single one of my hitters racked up points and i ended up in 3rd place out of 822 others. if Albert Pujols hadn’t gone 0-5 i would have won $500.

    but $150 is great. thats more than ive spent, so i guess im ahead of the game and more like Bukowski (who gambled on the ponies) than i thought.

  8. Saturday, July 11, 2015
  9. Friday, June 19, 2015
  10. Friday, June 12, 2015

    made a big trade this week 

    big trade

    besides the world famous busblog league, my favorite baseball league is LouisvilleSluggerville.

    this is my seventh year playing in it. it’s a keeper league.

    ive never placed higher than fourth place, but usually i get massacred.

    my problem is i have no pitching.

    my outfield is amazing: trout, braun, harper and now billy burns

    meaning the dirty cardinal Matt Holliday was ripe to get his ass traded.

    young Carlos Correa got called up from triple A on monday and i didnt learn about it until too late

    big papifortunately the commish, mike, owner of Gold Balls, was willing to part with the unproven rookie

    in exchange for Holliday, who’s batting .303, and Nats infielder Yunel Escobar who is hitting .319

    as long as he gave me a decent starting pitcher to help out my horrible rotation.

    so i got Ubaldo Jiménez who only has 3 wins (his last four starts were no decisions and the one before those was a loss).

    why would i want him? because his era is just barely over 3, his whip is just 1.26

    and with 60ks he’s suddenly my second best pitcher in regards to strikeouts.

    the day after mike accepted the trade Correa hit a homer and stole a base and Holliday went on the DL.

    which hopefully symbolizes how amazing a trade this will be for my team, papi*

    why is there an asterisk after the name of my team?

    i put that on there in 2009 once some of the results from the mitchell report came out

    and my best player, who i named my team after, had allegedly failed a drug test.

    mlb refuses to tell papi what drugs were in his system, but

    once someone as huge as Baseball puts a stain on your name

    its super hard to remove it.