everything is a dare

theres a pound of ham in the fridge.

not exactly sure when i put it in there.

it would be a shame for that pig to have died in vain

however, if i was a pig i would prefer that you did not eat me, thank you.

went to my actual doctor today.

like me, former xbi.

nbd. omg.

i told him i was down to a half a coke a day.

still addicted, eh? he scoffed.

which i took as a dare.

which i am taking as a dare.

theres only a few things that will kill me, he said: coke, drunk drivers, boredom.

why cant you drink tea?

in heaven im gonna drink coke every day. maybe even non stop.

fuckit, in heaven i wanna pee coke.

but most of the time we talked about barry bonds

and how incredible his last season was.

he was 42.

do you know i love you? i do.

westworld was incredible last night.

there was a subplot about robots holding grudges. something that heretofore was unique only to to humans.

but because we are so incredible and influential either things try to be like us or end up being like us.

i have a huge heart. i love so many people. i do whatever i can to help people.

but i can also be super mean. especially online.

and in real life boy can i hold a grudge.

you coulda dissed me in 6th grade and if you didnt say omg omg im so sorry tony

then if i saw your house was on fire and i was in a damn fire truck driving the thing i wouldnt stop.

id say burn fucker burn.

then it comes to ladies. ive been dissed by my share. like anyone. people have let me down. i suppose thats normal.

and then some have just straight up used and abused me – spiritually.

it’s weird how some of em i’ll be all, it’s cool, whatevs and some im like yeah naw.

theres this one who i wanna say baby the end of the world is nigh, ive always loved you

and i hope youre getting the treatment that you need so badly because youre so special

but i worry what that message would mean to her. i wonder if she’d take it the right way.

so i dont send it. i dont send anything. i dont write anything. i think about it sometimes.

but when i was a college kid i realized something very important: people listen to the devil in their head

way more than they listen to guy wearing the cubs hat. so fuck it. just do you, negro.

today i ordered lunch from this one spot and they were all great, that’ll be $27

i was all, the menu says $14. they were like but you ordered a coke.

i said yes, please take that $13 coke and shove it.

i didnt say up your ass because people do put things up there here in LA

and i would never want to disrespect those people.

but deep down i dont wanna disrespect anyone.

because i know how bad that feels.

next sunday i start reading Revelations in the bible.

yesterday i was done with Johns letters and i turned the page and saw Revelations was next and i was like

yeah lets start this next week. shit.

yesterday was the all star game, one of my favorite days of the year

fuck joe buckit was held in san diego, which is only a few hours away from my home

seven Cubs were named to the team. the entire infield was Cubs.

but as you know i hate san diego and i hope it falls into the ocean and gets flushed down into the center of the earths core.

one reason is because in 1984 the padres beat the cubs in the playoffs.

this week’s all star game was a celebration of sorts of that 84 padres team. they made everyone wear the brown and yellow shit and piss colors of that year during the home run derby.

during any other circumstance i might have paid big bucks to see my cubbies take the field and represent. but as i just said i hope Dani Targeryian’s dragons fly down there and burn the whole city down.

as i was getting ready to watch the game on tv my dear friend Dave, who was down there for work, took a picture of the worst announcer in sports, joe buck, and texted it to me. he went one step further by putting my pride and joy,  the busblog’s url on the picture to enhance the “humor”. i nearly choked on my short rib. as you can see the pretty lady interviewing him is keeping her distance because lighting will strike him one day soon and that day cannot come soon enough.

so yeah that was part of my yesterday. trying to watch my cubs. trying to forget it was being held in the land that time hates. and trying to squint with my ears as joe called the game. what i noticed was because all of his fantasy boyfriends were on the field he had a hard time ruining the game. boy did he try. but it wasnt actually all that bad.

he did leave out one huge detail because hes a company man robot and only speaks outloud what is written down in front of him.

the detail was, the NL was the visitors last night even though San Diego, for all its faults, is an NL city.

what Joe didn’t mention was in the next couple of years MLB is going to have the all star game in two more NL cities so they let the AL be the “home” team last night because, well, the AL is stinky like SD so may as well let them pretend for a night that theyre at home.

a bunch of my friends are Aquariuses so we party in February


we like to go to Castia de Castia or whatever it’s called because it’s central and they have a big room in the back and a back patio where all the kids can be loud and play and do shots without any of us “old folks” spying on them.

kidding! the children are actually selling beers to passing strangers at a discount.

kamikazisone of the kids, the oldest of the mcilvane boys is an excellent baseball player. i taught him everything he knows.

yesterday he was sporting a sweatshirt for a team he is on. i said The Kamikazes? he said yeah.

i said, i thought we lived in the politically correct Silver Lake / Los Feliz / Echo Park corridor, how is this possible?

the boy just looked at me.

i said, do you know what a Kamikaze is? before he could answer i interrupted, not a delicious drink.

he said, they are suicide bombers.

i was a little startled at how concisely he described it.

i said yes! yes!

he said, yeah someone got upset and we had to change the name. because our caps already had a K on it, we changed the name to The Kings.

which was interesting, because here in America, didn’t some of us defect from England because we didn’t wanna be ruled by Kings any more? Didn’t we want some representation to go along with the taxation?

and then i drove home trying to think of other names that started with K

The Kanyes

The Kickstarters

The Kombuchas

The Korean BBQs

The High Flying Kites

The Killer Kittens

The Kreepy Klowns

and then I realized yeah the Kings was probably the smart move.

not only does shit happen but we’re lucky it does

cheesecakethe knuckleball isnt thrown with the knuckles

it’s thrown with the finger


the goal is to throw the ball with absolute

zero spin on it

so the wind will take over

and zig it this way

and then drop it


when theres a knuckleball pitcher, the catcher puts on a different (bigger) mitt than he normally uses

because even he won’t know where the ball is gonna land.

it turns out the randomness of nature, in this example, minor changes in wind patterns

is better at fooling batters than pinpoint accuracy.

happy accidents. the joy luck club. putting the ball in mother natures hands. letting go of the illusion of control. mastering that which cannot be tamed.

because of its difficulty and its steep downside, there are very few professional knuckleballers in the game today.

if i was 12 years old right now, theres only one pitch i would be working on

every day, all day

gambling seems to be paying off

gambling is paying off

last night i was having a bad dream. it was so bad that as i was waking up i thought it would make for a good scary movie. when i fell back asleep i was right back in it. i forget what was happening now, of course, but evil was involved and there wasn’t anything i could do about it.

rarely do i dream. sometimes they’re good dreams. but i dont even like those because they are lies.

when i finally did wake up for reals, i reached over one of the sleeping cats for my phone and saw this on it. that i had won $150 on one of my baseball gambling games. it made me feel like i was still dreaming because i have been doing so poorly that i was thinking about stopping.

every week i would put $20-$30 in my yahoo account and play $2 or $5 games each day. usually i’d do terrible. but for some reason yesterday even though my pitchers didn’t do all that well, almost every single one of my hitters racked up points and i ended up in 3rd place out of 822 others. if Albert Pujols hadn’t gone 0-5 i would have won $500.

but $150 is great. thats more than ive spent, so i guess im ahead of the game and more like Bukowski (who gambled on the ponies) than i thought.