nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, September 23, 2016

    a visit to the local mall 

    skatemy mom and I are at a random mall in the middle of nowhere an hour outside Chicago.

    I see a Thrasher tshirt in the window of a skate shop with a demonic goat 666 image on a satanic star.

    So naturally I go in because how is this seriously in this suburban Illinois mall?

    We start talking to the guy working at the shop.

    Curious if there’s any Todd Francis skateboards there, I ask if he has any.

    Guy says, “Todd Francis? You mean one of the most famous skateboard designers ever?”

    Quickly goes to one of the many racks of decks and instantly finds this one pictured  and says “this guy is a legend. I have his book. You Know him? Wait till I tell my friends!”

    So I show him some pics of Todd in college.

    Minds blown. (By the way the price of the board was Not $8.25 – it was actually $52.)

    So we talk some more, shake hands, talk about skating in Santa Barbara in the 80s, where I was lucky enough to meet and work with Todd and the dudes are seriously impressed.

    Here’s the weird thing about Todd. I was impressed by him the very first time I ever met him, I tell them. He was that good even when he was 19-20 years old.

    Just as disgusting, just as interesting, just as dark.

    But what is hard to see from his art is how funny he is. Sooooo funny in a dry, bitter, sideways way. OK maybe his art is exactly like that too. I was hungry and needed a Portillos dipped beef.

    Weirdly I forget to tell him that we were roommates on Folsom Street in Frisco in 1994 and watched the Bronco Chase together. But maybe that would have been overkill. They got it.


    then we see a sports store. Cubs Sox Bulls Bears Hawks.

    ive been to this store before and remember the guy behind the counter. I remembered him because I always appreciated his wide selection of Cubs stuff.

    I am looking at a playoff tshirt and right away he says 20% off!

    i say, hold your horses, why dont you see, i might just buy it at full hit? he’s got a thick accent but i catch about every other word.

    we get talking and i look around and I notice that even though the NFL season is only in its 2nd week theres very few Bears crap on his racks. Maybe 2-3 racks thats it. More than half the store is Blackhawks and the rest is Cubs. He tells me the Bears have not been selling for the last 5 years.

    Also these facts:

    Anthony Rizzo jerseys sell more than Kris Bryant

    Blackhawks have been steady sales for the last 5 years, winter, fall, summer, spring. But especially around Christmas.

    The last time the Bears were in the Super Bowl everything sold out and even the distributor sold out.

    And if the Cubs win the World Series he is certain everything in his store will sell out no matter what it is.

    Also these very sad facts:

    He works 7 days a week, 10 hours a day

    No one else works with him.

    He has a nephew who works for him 2 weeks a year for his vacation.

    If he doesn’t open his store on time he gets fined by the mall.

    No way can he close his store for a day because he would get a bigger fine.

    Sales at the store over the last 5 years have sunk year after year.

    His only saving grace would be the Cubs winning the World Series, and yet he wears a Sox jacket because he thinks he looks better in black than in “purple” (which I assume he meant blue).

    Even though the Bulls have signed hometown boy Dwayne Wade, the NBA won’t release anything official until right before the season starts. So no one is really buying any Bulls stuff right now because everyone is preoccupied with the Cubs.

    I begged him to hire my mom to work for him two days a week but they both refused to take me seriously.


  2. Sunday, December 28, 2014
  3. Monday, November 10, 2014

    you cant run away from your problems 

    big hero 6

    by halftime last night the Bears were down 42-0 and the QB was still in the game and the coach was still employed

    so i got in my car and headed to Jack in the Box to order everything on the menu

    and a diet dr pepper.

    then i drove to Burbank to escape into a movie, any movie. who cares. NOTHING MATTERS ANYWAYS

    so i paid $17.50 to see Big Hero 6 in 3D.

    as i was paying i heard a guy next to me say he just paid $70 for himself, his date, and the couple parking the car.

    “don’t worry Skip, i’m sure they’ll get the popcorn.”

    70 dollars worth of popcorn?

    did i like the film? of course not. how is anyone supposed to like anything when the Bears have a quarterback who hates winning and a coach who is so in love with said field general that he refuses to take him out of the game despite failing to score a point in the first half?

    i drank my coke, ate my junior mints and fell asleep about half way through and dreamt i was younger and beautiful women loved my blog.

    i woke up old, bald, mouth half full of chocolate and 3d glasses showing me the lamest disney film id seen since Alice in Wonderland.

    i would make the most horrible father. so mild mannered through the week but come Sunday my emotions go up and down based on how the monsters of the midway play.

    their record is now three wins and five losses.


    precisely how many new films ive fully enjoyed this year.

    my house is a mess but my maid arrives this week. thats pretty much the best thing ive got going for me.

    unless of course, the bears trade cutler for a bag of magic beans.

  4. Monday, October 27, 2014
  5. still only a buck 

    still only one buck jay cutler

    took the cats to the vet yesterday after the bears lost and you know how they put animals to sleep when they’re old?

    thats what i wanted them to do to me after my team fell to last place in the nfc norris

    this isnt supposed to happen to anyone but the Cubs.

    and the reason why i believe you should never pay a quarterback more than a few million bucks

    until he gives you a ring.

    pretty boy jay is making $127 million over seven years. and he’s terrible.

    was terrible before they gave him the dough ray me but he’s handsome and tall

    and looks like the type of guy who should be a gazillionaire.

    so he got it.

    i dress like a bum so guess what i’ll never make that sorta money which is fine.

    when youre hungry you produce things. you hustle. you cant afford to be lazy and horrid.

    my tv works now as does my internet but sometimes i wish i was still in the dark ages.

  6. Sunday, September 7, 2014
  7. Sunday, November 24, 2013

    weirdly seeing nirvana wasnt the greatest show i ever saw 

    which is strange because i had been blown away before at the forum when eric clapton played there in 85

    and even though it was a great show as you can see here in this super good recording

    the replacements at the roxy a few years earlier was easily

    the greatest show id ever seen in my life

    or this crazy one i saw with karisa and almost didnt

    or the beasties pauls boutique

    or acdc back in black

    i dont know. who cares. the bears lost.

    never forget that: the bears lost.

  8. Monday, November 4, 2013
  9. Sunday, October 20, 2013
  10. Monday, September 30, 2013

    the bears lost which pretty much ruined my day 

    bears lions

    in real life im the most normal nice polite person youd ever wanna meet.

    but when the bears are on… and i think they should win… and if their season looks promising

    i will yell at the top of my lungs at the tv

    the only time my neighbors know i exist is during football season

    bbq, screaming, cursing

    and occasionally great laughing.

    its very easy to be a football fan. theres only like 16 games a year for your team.

    the games only last 3 hours tops cuz everyones fat.

    and you only need to know the names of like three of the guys on each team.

    theres even a piss break in the middle of the game so people can ignore the band.

    tickets in chicago start at $250 for the worst seat imaginable.

    youre basically in indiana.

    we paid half that to see the raiders and the bears in the club section on the 0 yard line in oakland

    that was the only game i ever went to where i didnt care who won, they were both my teams

    my real team

    and my california adopted team.

    who both drive me crazy

    especially today. all day.