nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, May 1, 2013

    beastie boys on touring with madonna 

    pbs digital studios, the people who brought us mr rodgers singing from the grave,

    has now dug up an old interview with the three bad bros you know so well

    and animated it for her your pleasure.

    i wish they had a little better interview to work with, but we get to hear them talk about their first tour

    and how many other white rappers were around back in 1985.

    but the best is hearing them be defensive about being labeled “suburban rap”.

    (which they def were for a while)

  2. Wednesday, February 27, 2013

    KM asks: let’s say you’re having a rough day, what tunes turn that frown upside down? 

    park ranger

    dear katherine,

    im so sorry you’re feeling gloomy.

    i am very worried about gloomy feelings because i get nervous that they can snowball into gloomy days, gloomy weeks, and gloomy months.

    so i try to nip even the slightest negative feelings in the bud.

    perhaps being a Cubs fan has helped me cope.

    since they’re terrible.

    and probably won’t win it all until 2014.

    weirdly i don’t find myself down too often, and “rough days” in journalism are just called “days”.

    but when things are extraordinarily difficult i usually go somewhere that has funny pictures or sweet things happening like Reddit and click real fast to see if theres anything inspiring or interesting.

    and look, today i spy a little note from a Yosemite Junior Ranger named Evie who sent something nice to the Park Rangers there.


    but you’re right, music does make the heart grow fonder though, so when i find the urge to turn on some music and take a little walk here are some songs and videos that would soothe this savage beast:

    Continue reading “KM asks: let’s say you’re having a rough day, what tunes turn that frown upside down?”

  3. Tuesday, February 5, 2013

    they say it isn’t what happens to you that matters 

    2it’s how you handle it.

    when i was younger i would fight.

    so much energy back then. and idealism.

    i was foolish enough to believe that if you fought, they’d understand you at some point: and change.

    then everything would change.

    and then lalala flowers and fruit punch.

    in the good book, even God’s like that.

    he’d get so emotional in the first few books.

    he’d ban people forever. he’d make everyone halfta speak different languages.

    hardening peoples hearts and such.

    then when he got super emotional he flooded everyone

    and later felt really bad about it.

    once when the chosen people were complaining about being thirsty,

    not long after the red sea miracle.

    god was all, imma…

    but moses was all, come on, is that what you want people to think about you?

    dude freed his people only to smite them in the desert?

    so then god decided he was gonna be the hands off, laiz-e faire god.

    it all built up to being just the opposite of that when he sent his only son to pay off the debts of the world

    but even then he chilled so much that Jesus yelled out on the cross on good friday

    “ηλι ηλι λαμα σαβαχθανι”

    why hast thou forsaken me.

    a cute pout in retrospect, but at the time the most human moment in Jesus’s short (un)happy life.

    i thought we had a deal.

    ow ow ow


    ive always appreciated the people who were cool when things were going cray.

    which is why, to me, the coolest story of grace under pressure

    is of the three bad brothers you know so well

    shadrach, meshach, and abednego

    who taught us to stay calm

    and when in doubt, dance.

  4. Monday, December 24, 2012

    people ask why i wear my cubs hat so much 

    728993_10151307188753057_991534213_o and i have several answers to that

    the first being that one day the cubs are going to win it all

    and when that happens and people see me running around the streets in my birthday suit crying in ecstasy

    they’ll say omg who the hell is that guy

    you can be all, oh thats the dude who’s worn a cubs hat since he was a little kid. dont call the cops.

    the second reason is whenever i dont wear it people say wheres your hat: i barely recognized you!

    the third reason is it’s an xbi secret weapon

    usually in the very cold coldness of winter i wear a little knit cap because as a bald man my head is as sensitive as your bare ass.

    today was only 4 degrees above zero, not 94 below

    so instead of wearing my Bears knit cap i decided to brave the elements and sport my Cubs hat in the one part of the world where instead of sticking out, i would blend in

    did i want to leave the house at all today?

    of course not.

    but i love my mother deeply, and my family, so i emerged out of the warm bliss of my mom’s home and ventured out into the wonder of illinois in the depths of winter.

    like a g


    my dear mother made a lemon meringue pie for a lonesome shut in across town. which was super nice.


    so we pulled into the woman’s drive way and my mom said, i’ll be right back AND LEFT HER DOOR OPEN AS IF IT WASNT A GAZILLION DEGREES BELOW ZERO oh im sorry 4 degrees above zero AND HER PRIDE AND JOY WASNT GOING TO LOOK LIKE JACK NICHOLSON AT THE END OF THE SHINING UPON HER RETURN!  i covered myself in snow as a what the hell are you doing leaving your door open? which actually was dumb cuz i was freezing to prove a (dumb) point and my mom just laughed at me. which was funny.


    she made it up by saying, lets go to Dick’s and pick out a new cap “Santa” can get for you.
    but i was all, im good.


    i did notice however the branding Da Bears have on pop and even water, which somehow didnt surprise me.


    what did surprise me was this nice gentleman’s 4Runner which proudly displayed his heritage. it wasnt that he was glad to tell the world that he was latino that made me curious, it was what did his love for the Transformers have to do with anything.


    time passed, the bears won, and my mom said, omg i remember yesterday you said how much you’d like to go to Red Lobster.

    i said, id go but in California they don’t drown the shrimps in butter and oversalt the lobsters.

    728788_10151307250818057_1237314717_oshe said you need to try the ones here, and whattya know, Red Lobsters the way they were meant to be: amazing.

    infact so many people had come to RL that our food was a tad tardy in arriving so the manager got on his knees (I ish you not)

    and introduced himself and said im so sorry but your meals will be a little late, is there an appetizer i can get for you?

    and i said A MCRIB! NOM NOM NOM!

    and my mom said, what about a shrimp cocktail? because shes classy.

    and poof out came six jumbo shrimps as we waited.

    mom and i had a really good conversation

    but one thing we didnt discuss was something we had seen at Dick’s Sporting Goods: this mysterious Cubs ball that was colored to look as if it was made of wood.


    if you know me you know that im insatiable at times in my wants and needs, and often the things that i demand are insane or at least partially ridiculous.

    but i have never ever ever said you know what this world is missing? balls made of wood – or imitation wood like baseballs. and as much as i like pretty much anything with the Cubs logo on it, i dont think i could ever imagine a nook or cranny in my many mansions where a wood like baseball would seem at home.

    indeed, it reminds me of that odd Beastie Boys line where outta nowhere Mike D says “if you get me some wood, I’ll build you a cabinet.”

    imagine the confusion if he said, “if you get me some wood, I’ll build you baseballs”?

    im gonna sleep late man, it’s much easier on my constitution

  5. Thursday, November 22, 2012
  6. Wednesday, June 27, 2012

    MCA RIP billboards are all over hollywood – still 

    and i love it.

    even though it makes me sad.

    i love it because people are born and people die every day,

    but its super nice when, if someone dies, someone who made a difference,

    that they are given something of a tribute, and not just for the day or week that it happened

    but for a tad longer than expected.

    no sleep til brooklyn

  7. Monday, June 11, 2012
  8. Friday, June 1, 2012

    a look back at may 2012 

    may 1, xbi not only gives me playoff tickets, but access to the exclusive chairman’s room. only bummer, ive gotta rub shoulders with ashton kutcher.

    may 2, junior seau’s mom cries, “Take me, take me, leave my son” after he killed himself.

    Daniel Chong ate glass, drank urine, and took methamphetamine (that had been accidentally left in the jail cell) to survive. While hallucinating, he carved “Sorry Mom” into his arm with glass.

    Magic Johnson’s first order of business as new Dodger owner? Cut the prices of parking down to just $10

    may 3, michele bachmann is a politician

    may 4, MCA dies. the entire world mourns.

    may 5, saw the Avengers, was entertained for a few hours

    may 7, still sad about MCA

    may 8, the AL East is upside-down

    may 9, president obama supports gay marriage, the bible pretty much does too

    may 10, colin marshall interviews me for an hour. probably the best interview anyone has ever done with me.

    may 11, karisa was all lets just go to vegas and get wasted at the pool for a few days. i reluctantly say fine.

    may 12, did a quick favor for the xbi

    may 14, bye poolside canadians

    may 15, sometimes its good to make a list of wants

    may 15, “i wanna mend your heart like drake”

    may 16, robin quivers has been part of radio’s most successful show for decades. now she needs our prayers

    may 17, the real reason xbi agents wear sunglasses a lot

    may 18, kerry wood retires from baseball. we’re all officially old.

    may 19, bet the paycheck on the nose of gray mare? why not. lifes fleeting.

    may 20, Taco Bell talks to me on Twitter. i *am* somebody.

    one year old tony
    may 20, i invent the 30 minute church. for the kids.

    may 21, truest and i see the last clipper game of the season (and get free tshirts)

    may 22, im unanimously elected onto the LA Press Club board of directors (no free tshirt)

    may 24, after many years i return to the softball field. terrible idea. lets talk about the Kings instead.

    may 24, krista gets a pretty sweet gig on a huge tv show

    may 25, star wars is 35 years old. kiss the girl in front of you.

    may 26, Jesus was way cool

    may 27, how i met your mother

    may 28, montreal pots and pans protest gets bigger, deffer

    may 30, what the lisa marie presley michael jackson tv sitcom should be called

    may 31, why i should seek mental treatment

  9. Sunday, May 20, 2012
  10. Tuesday, May 8, 2012

    my favorite magazine, black webmaster, was calling in a favor 

    mca-as-sir-stewart-wallace i was all man

    they were like sorry bro.

    one of the clearest teachings at the xbi was

    dont owe anyone anything.

    if someone even looks like theyre about to do a favor for you

    dont accept it.

    dont take anything for free, or at a discount, in fact if you can:

    overpay, overtip, pick up all checks.

    and there i was in a dilema when i learned that black webmaster was about to inadvertently publish a photo of Chopper One.

    i asked them to do me a favor and choose another photo and today they were asking me to remember that one time…

    so i went into their offices after work today and they said we hate to ask you

    but can you make us a list?

    i was all, what sorta list?

    they were like we know you hate lists but can you make one

    i said who said i dont like lists?

    they went you dont hate lists?

    i was like why would i hate lists? what a weird thing to hate.

    and they were all huh

    so i made them a damn list.

    and now we’re all even.