nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, December 30, 2016

    2016, a year in review 

    in january mcdonalds introduced mozzarella sticks but people complained you couldnt taste the cheese and when the company realized that it would not be profitable to add enough cheese to the stick to satisfy people, they discontinued the item. RIP mozzarella sticks.

    in february, pop singer Kesha, who had asked her record label, Sony, to release her from her contract because she claimed her producer, Dr. Luke, sexually abused her, had her request denied by the NY supreme court because it said her contract was technically with his company and not Sony. for his part, Dr. Luke refused to break or alter the contract. Kesha claimed she could not ever work with him again because of what she had gone through and musicians went to Twitter to support the singer who at just 28 years old had sold over 40 million records. throughout the year she appeared at the Grammys, at Coachella, and on selected cities in a mini tour. in August she dropped her lawsuit against Dr. Luke and just last week she revealed that she is recording some very emotional material. RIP legal bills!

    he was fat, he was funny, he had a great accent, he drank a lot, he smoked crack, he did a radio show with his brother, he went to rehab, and in march he died. RIP Toronto Mayor Rob Ford.

    in april Prince died. he was the most talented instrumentalist and singer ive ever seen. he couldnt walk five steps without four of them being sexy. for a week after his death all people wanted to talk about was his life, his mysterious passing, and all the times he blew our minds. this was a picture i took at the Troubadour in 2008 and almost got roughed up by his security when i was told to delete it immediately. fortunately i had texted it to my dear mother. what was notable about this performance was it was almost exclusively jazz, prince barely sang, it cost $100, and two of the kardashians were a few feet above me. i left disappointed, but i was royally disappointed in april. RIP Prince

    in may i ubered these brentwood school girls to a party in the hills of beverly and then whined about them when i got home. RIP Drake

    in june, boxing great Muhammad Ali died and newspapers from east to west paid tribute to him by putting his picture on the front page. except the LA Times, my favorite paper, the one i had loved for decades and subscribed to through thick and thin. they claimed the news came at them “after deadline” which drew criticism when newspapers in New York City seemed to have no problem printing the news despite the time difference. when my subscription ended in november i didn’t renew and the times didnt go out of their way to get me back. RIP subscription

    in july there were a rash of murders of black men by mostly white police. some of the killings were documented on video and when the united states of america saw it they were outraged because in some of the instances the police lied in their reports (before they knew a tape had been made), and zero of them went to jail. many of the men were unarmed when they were killed and when one police officer asked why he shot the man laying on this back with his arms up, he said I Dont Know. there were marches around the country and in LA the protesters formed an impromptu peace symbol in Inglewood just over the 405. the phrase black lives matter was formed but the courts and the police departments were all LOL. RIP black men

    in august the phone rang and the breathy slightly east coast femmey voice whispered who are you wearing? i said montgomery ward. she said take me to supper and then take me to the stars. it was zulieka, she had gotten a divorce and an airline ticket to america. she was in town. in a convertible in malibu. how quickly could i get to santa monica? i said, ask anyone: quickly. RIP plans

    i september in chicago, like most refined cub fans. the weather is beautiful, the beer is cold and usually bleacher seats are reasonably priced. this year the cubs were so far in first place that the demand was low even though every game was sold out. weird how that works. but my buddy bob secured a ton of tix and even made tshirts as we had quite the night. RIP st. louis

    in october the cubs faught their way through the playoffs and into the world series. tickets for the three games at wrigley were going for $4k-$20k each. someone asked me if i was going. i said i dont have $4k. they said why dont you try a gofundme. i said, well that sounds crazy and it will be embarrassing if it doesnt work but who cares, the cubs are in the world series woooooooo. and my friends all chipped in and there i was back in the bleachers of wrigley field but for the world series. and in the second row! i still dont believe it. RIP entire bucket list

    in november the cubs won the world series and i was still in chicago just in case this would happen and i went to the parade where they say 5 million people were, and people were literally dancing in the street. we all were. it was like nothing i ever expected. and way better. me and my mom went to wrigley and said hi to harry caray at his grave. less than a week later america would vote for hillary but america would deem donald trump the president. RIP america

    in decemeber we all realized we are gonna die and nothing matters any more.

  2. Saturday, October 24, 2015

    10/24 on this day in the busblog 

    President Obama (Feat. The Pope)

    2014 – at a culver city restaurant an old man gets into my car, accompanied by two beautiful young women, he gives them cash, he tells me hes a famous photographer and tells me how much sex he has with his models.

    2013 – pretty sure im going to get the job at the academy but i cant really publicize it so i go to the movies and make a photo essay of love speculating my future

    2012 – my maid made me the cutest birthday cake

    2011 – for my birthday the drummer of nirvana rocked out for me and the boss’s daughter

    2010 – frisco, the foto essay

    2009 – for my birthday the grates and those darlins played for me and my friends

    2008 – for my birthday playmates escorted me through the playboy haunted house

    2007 – huge fires hit LA

    2006 – i was mad for some reason

    2005 – “or who you are or what your blog is like, you will always have whispers in your head that youre doing something wrong..”

    2004 – snl, you ignorant slut

    2003 – directv man came over. mexican dude named thom.

    2002 – anna was over last night

    2001 – got my photos back from ken and lauras wedding so i made a photo essay

  3. Saturday, September 26, 2015

    on this day on the busblog in history: 9/26 

    free chorizo2001: today i hate the bus. today i want to get a car. today i want to flush out everything bad in my life. i want to flush everything that isnt perfect out of my life. i want to earn twice as much, i want to wear half as less. i want to grow my hair twice as big and dye it red or just bleach it. im not happy. i was late to work.

    2002: do i, sometimes, have a hard time accepting Really Good in my life?


    not me.

    2003: tsar came down from the heavens last night in eastern hollywood to deliver the good news and layeth the smackdown and they cranked their shit to eleven and pretty much busted the eardrums of anyone within the first fifty rows and i just stood there like heston infront of the burning bush turning grey overnight and i have seen the light and its letters flash t s a r, for the big bad wolf is knocking at your door modern rock alternative radio and he has dyed his hair shit brown and hes coming for whats his and you better give it up or he’ll spin that fckr to twelve.

    2004: there was a time when when people talked about the xbi they talked about guys without vests on, without nightvision, and without fear. guys so tough they wrote their phone numbers on the ass cheeks of the worst guys they caught, so when the cops found them hogtied and defeated they would know who to thank.

    2005: so the little bird, the baby bird, so tiny it had yet become blue did what any little bird would, he walked into the forrest

    and hid in the shadows.

    until he fell asleep,

    shivering in his own sweat.

    2006: now i write you from tom’s living room in Pittsfield, MA after watching his tivo and drinking his children’s apple juice. western mass is gorgeous and sunny and americana to the maxima. i want to put it in a pie and eat it.

    sunset junction street fair 2007

    2007:  well according to these records you wouldnt have seen the weekend if we hadnt intervened.

    he reverse esped her to see if he could.

    let me show you my bra.

    nothing in there is true.

    stop trying to do whatever youre doing. stop trying to be in control. control is an illusion. this path isnt yours because your path is a finale and there is a long way left for you to do for us so knock it off.

    and she injected the venom and it felt cold after a minute and then warm and then shocking.

    2008: the edison is so popular on weekend nights that they wont let you in if you dont have a collar on your shirt or if you have jeans (if youre a dude), or if your not super hot (if youre a babe). ok that last part might not be 100% true but it sure seems like it.

    2009: the day katie couric destroyed glenn beck’s career

    sound of music2010: went to the Sound of Music singalong with the truest

    2011: first lets talk about the crazy ass stuff i have seen at McDonalds here in Quebec.

    the beheaded Ronald McDonalds asking for money was a petite troubling but it didnt stop me from eating francais fries

    Ok, now someone asked whats a Quarter Pounder called in French. The answer….

    2012: canada reared its beautiful head into baseball news today when cy young winner

    eric gagne from pots and pans protest montreal quebec told espn

    that 80 percent of his teammates out here in LA were taking illegal performance enhancing drugs. this from a man who himself admitted to taking illegal substances in order to compete.

    when the news came out several bloggers emailed me asking that i wouldnt squeal on them.

    human growth hormones of course are part of the blogosphere what with repetitive strain injuries, carpal tunnel, and writers block, it isnt easy to maintain a prolific and profitable life as a blogger.

    thus drugs are tempting.

    2013: but it is hard to look at a kickass swimming pool

    or a shiny car with a Star Wars dashboard

    or a puppy smoking a cigar with a kitten being dealt blackjack by a baby mule with a garter around his bicep

    and not say, why yes, I want that.

    2014: two things: why is it that our electrical grid is so sensitive that entire states can be wiped out due to human error?

    and how come the second busiest airport in america can be crippled because of one stinking fire?