nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, May 15, 2015

    even though im a devout Christian, i also tend to be a tad superstitious 

    adam and evemostly because i think the Lord has better things to do than answer my prayers about playoff basketball.

    so i decided to drive around ubering in the rain last night so i could listen to the Clips game on the AM radio.

    in the grand scheme of things, im sure the Almighty cares very much about sports, and is thrilled that the cathedrals of yore have been replaced by sports palaces in cities around the world. but still does he really want me saying

    thanks for letting the Cubs stay above .500, but could you make sure Lob City knocks out the Rockets tonight?

    mortal, please.

    one of my favorite spots has been blown up, the CAA building in Century City, theres uber plus dudes all over that place where there used to be just lil ol me. so you have to adapt.

    so lately ive been chilling in westwood near the condos hoping some of the richies want a ride to the airport.

    last night i ended up with a very jewish young lady with her traditional garb on who was visiting her mother in the UCLA hospital.

    as we were driving i asked her if she had lived in westwood her whole life. she said yes, that her dad was a rabbi at the big temple.

    she added that she was also married to a rabbi.

    so as we passed P’tit Soleil, the best place to eat poutine in LA, i asked her if it was cool for conservative jews to eat poutine.

    she asked what was in it? i said, french fries, cheese curds, and gravy.

    she said well we’re not supposed to mix meats with dairy and the gravy would violate that rule.

    as we kept talking about the Torah she told me that the forbidden fruit actually has a backstory. in the notes of that tale was some detail that Adam and Eve would have been allowed to eat it if they had waited an hour, but they were instructed not to eat it on the Sabbath.

    because the snake tempted them, they ate it too early and thus they were shunned from the Garden.

    it was raining cats and dogs as we drove down Westwood Blvd.

    i could talk about the bible with people all day, so i loved it.

  2. Monday, March 16, 2015

    the Lord’s Day 

    sass with my special

    even though it was the lords day, i had a full day which started with sass texting me telling me she was back in america did i wanna meet her for brunch

    i said sure, where? she said how about by your house. so she drove her mini to me and got a table and texted me which is precisely what you should do and i waltzed over and we started chatting and soon there were grits and eggs benedict and lemonade which is also precisely what i love for brunch.

    sass is traveling a lot. globetrotting. and of course in the midst of lots of dramaz so it was fun to talk about all of those things. afterwards she wanted a real juice because the air quality was affecting her sensitive ph balance so we drove over to hipster central and got her some of the Tony Special. it was lovely.

    sunset in venice

    ali called me out on insta the night before because i was ubering in her neck of the woods and i didnt reach out to her. you just assume a smoking hot single girl who has been toning that sweet bod through crossfit would be up to her eyeballs with male attention, but i suppose everyone wants a little more busblog in their lives, so i texted her back and said lets sushi? she said oui.

    because the lovely amber had hooked me up with some uber rides i decided to play it safe and uber over because the large saki large beer combo is just begging for a DUI so for the past few times ive gone ive ubered. it’s nice. thanks amber.

    and because it was the Lords day i brought my ipad and read the bible on the way. we were driving right into the sunset and it was a dream. i really am very lucky to live here. especially when i hear about boston’s 100 inches of snow.

    ali and i had a great time. peter served us well. the only frustration he and i had was she wouldnt tell us what secret video game she is so busy working on, but in a few months we will all know and she swears we will love it.

    soft shelled crab

    on my uber ride home i was totally prepared to read more especially when my uber driver was struggling with english, but as we talked i realized he is from Iraq. so he told me all about what it was like to live there his whole life but was forced to immigrate here after the fall of saddam because the violence was unmanageable.

    he told me that the two times the US bombed the city we were always careful to only hit military targets, civilians rarely got hurt. but after the fall of saddam other islamic forces started fighting each other. “it would be like Glendale fighting Burbank” he explained. he said he often had to inspect under his car for bombs and eventually the bad people took over his whole block and kicked everyone out of their homes and then blew them up.

    fortunately he had been working for an american company for a few years and they helped him move here with his family. older guy. so sweet. answered all of my questions with very little emotion. but i was dying inside. imagine being terrorized by one enemy after another and worst of all the “liberation” of your tyrant turns out to be a bad thing.

    when he dropped me off i thanked him for sharing his story, i tipped him well, and even though i was a little buzzed i said, “hold on, wait, i know this phrase, ah yes, a salaam alaikum”

    he smiled very warmly and said “Wa alaykum.”

    indeed it was the Lord’s Day.

  3. Saturday, February 7, 2015

    sodom and gomorrah wasnt about orgies or being gay 

    sodom and gommorah

    it was about rape. the people wanted to rape angels.

    Lot was all, hey bros, how about you have sex with my virgin daughters instead?

    the daughters were probably all OMG DAD!

    but it didnt matter because “all the men from every part of the city of Sodom—both young and old”

    wanted to rape the visiting angels

    who by the way were on a mission to see for themselves how fucked up Sodom was.

    so the men said thanks but no thanks with your virgin daughters, Lot,

    give us the angels.

    how religious people, with straight faces, pretend that Las Vegas or San Francisco or any place that dares to celebrate fun is in any way related to this extremely violent story – is beyond me.

    next time you hear it or see it call them out.

    use this picture if you must.

    you’re welcome.

  4. Monday, March 31, 2014

    i had a full weekend 


    drove till 3am on both friday and saturday night

    hiked saturday afternoon with bree, then ate great seafood

    drove up to valencia for a lovely mini nexus reunion

    where it turned out ive gotta save the world, nbd

    went to little joys 1 year anniversary

    and somehow last night i was home for most of the night, never turned on the tv

    and read the bible for an hour like a good man should

    and was met with this intense way for God to punish King Jehoram for being a prick:

    2nd Chronicles, chapter 21

    18 And after all this the Lord smote him in his bowels with an incurable disease. 19 In course of time, at the end of two years, his bowels came out because of the disease, and he died in great agony. His people made no fire in his honor, like the fires made for his fathers. 20 He was thirty-two years old when he began to reign, and he reigned eight years in Jerusalem; and he departed with no one’s regret. They buried him in the city of David, but not in the tombs of the kings.

    maybe this is why you dont know any dudes named Jehoram?

    lesson: live a life in which when you die, your people will wanna make a fire in yr honor

  5. Sunday, December 29, 2013

    the quote of the week came from the new pope who stopped believing in Hell 

    pope francis

    “We must recognize that religious truth evolves and changes. Truth is not absolute or set in stone. Even atheists acknowledge the divine. Through acts of love and charity the atheist acknowledges God as well, and redeems his own soul, becoming an active participant in the redemption of humanity,” Pope Francis told the Third Vatican Council on Christmas. Or if you’re new Pope, Casual Thursday.

    “Through humility, soul searching, and prayerful contemplation we have gained a new understanding of certain dogmas. The church no longer believes in a literal hell where people suffer. This doctrine is incompatible with the infinite love of God. God is not a judge but a friend and a lover of humanity. God seeks not to condemn but only to embrace. Like the fable of Adam and Eve, we see hell as a literary device. Hell is merely a metaphor for the isolated soul, which like all souls ultimately will be united in love with God” the Pope declared.

    And then he dropped the mic.

    Sadly it was a fake quote.

    But if it frees you to do what your loving heart desires, you should live by it.

  6. Sunday, November 17, 2013

    this is how the first book of Kings starts 

    da bears

    1. King David was old and advanced in years; and although they covered him with clothes, he could not get warm.

    2 So his servants said to him, “Let a young virgin be sought for my lord the king, and let her wait on the king, and be his attendant; let her lie in your bosom, so that my lord the king may be warm.”

    3 So they searched for a beautiful girl throughout all the territory of Israel, and found Abishag the Shunammite, and brought her to the king.

    4 The girl was very beautiful. She became the king’s attendant and served him, but the king did not know her sexually.

    three things

    1. now thats how you start a book

    2. it’s good to be the king

    3. i’m going to design some wooden spoons for ikea called Abishag the Shunammite

  7. Monday, September 2, 2013

    first sam 

    miles davissometimes good things happen and little do you know it

    but it was the work of angels

    sometimes good things happen and youre all

    you know that was the Lord right there.

    theres a little something extra thats in there

    when the source of it alls involved.

    it happens every now and then

    and sometimes i cant handle too much of it.

    im just a man.

    bones built in me. my dull dough sours.

    blood brims the curse as bro said

    every sunday when i read the bible i listen to miles davis or one of his contemporaries

    because to me they compliment each other perfect

    tonight the reading was first sam

    and incidentally its when sam was working for eli and god was all dude

    and sam was like yes eli?

    and eli was all i didnt say nothin, go back to sleep.

    and later god was all dude! and sam was all yes eli?

    and eli was all, it wasnt me. maybe it was the lord.

    if you hear it again say ‘sup

    so the lord was all dude. and sam said ‘sup.

    and god said im gonna punish eli big time and his dumbass evil sons.

    and theres nothing he can do about it.

    so sam peaced out and in the morning eli asked him if it was Him

    and he said yep. and he asked so what did He say.

    and sam said its going down.

    and eli was all


  8. Friday, July 26, 2013

    this is an ad i never thought id see in my lifetime 

    apparently this weekend NASCAR is gonna have a a few big races and hundreds of thousands of the attendees may see this inexpensive but funny ad for weed.

    i question a few things in the claims it makes. specifically the fat dude’s belly and the skinny woman’s.

    from what i’ve read in the newspapers is weed gives you the munchies.

    in fact some people i’ve talked to here in LA were prescribed medical marijuana cards so the mysterious plant could help stimulate their appetite.

    cigarrettes are good for you says chesterfieldin fact some people i’ve talked to here in LA were prescribed medical marijuana cards so the mysterious plant could help stimulate their appetite.

    while its true that the herb doesnt have nearly as many calories, per se, as compared to booze, its effects have a, uh, high probability of inducing caloric intake.

    that is both a benefit and a feature for some. but something that should be warned about for others.

    if the people behind this advertisement want to be taken seriously, they should avoid the embarrassing path that Big Tobacco took when they said ridiculous things like cigarettes were good for you.

    mary jane will make you thin is just as insane.

    here’s another thing i would do if i was the weed lobby wanting to be taken seriously: i would make the next commercial in a serious manner. i would put the Church in it.

    flip open your bibles to page 2.

    Genesis:1 29-31 And God said, “Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed that is on the face of all the earth, and every tree with seed in its fruit. You shall have them for food. 30 And to every beast of the earth and to every bird of the heavens and to everything that creeps on the earth, everything that has the breath of life, I have given every green plant for food.” And it was so. 31 And God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day.

    It was so good he took the next day off. And he said that was good too.

    If I was the weed lobby I would ask the Catholic Church and all the other bible reading churches where does God say in the bible that he has an exception to the all the green plants are here for you goodness?

    I would ask them, where in the bible does God say that plant I made that makes you laugh and eat tacos was a mistake. Takebacks!

    if part of this relatively recent (historically) stigma onto cannabis is due to some moral mumbojumbo why not just talk to the moral majority itself?

    hard for me to believe that the branch of government so uniquely tied to wine would be so morally against weed when in page two of their most holy text their Creator gave it the seal of approval after He made it.

    in fact show me one story in that bible where the evil weed is evil. i can show you a few where wine was.

    what i would hope to hear from the Church is something along the lines of Ephesians 5:18 “And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit”.

    which to me says, don’t go loco with what can block the spiritual high, which is attainable, you crazy kids…

    that is, if you’re ready for that trip.

  9. Wednesday, July 24, 2013

    anything is possible… so be careful 

    fat dude hot chick at the poolbecause the Lord is amazing and created a world so large that pretty much anything can happen, the bad news is

    anything can happen.

    good things, bad things, horrible things, magical things.

    one of the least talked about of the ten commandments is the tenth one: do not covet yr neighbor’s ish.

    Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour’s.

    it’s hard at times because you might see your buddy’s new car or his huge backyard or his hot wife (or mistress)… or his life

    and you might say to yourself: oh hell yeah! want!

    but how many times have you wanted something and like neil young realized it was a piece of crap?

    if youre anything like me the answer is lots of times.

    and while it’s true that one mans trash is another mans treasure– seriously how often does that happen.

    usually what happens is one mans treasure is another man’s (foolish) desire to gank steal and ruin, and thats just unfortunate.

    for example i drive an xbi mobile that people seem to love. they love it more than i do for sure.

    despite the fact that ive had some good times in it, it’s really amazing that anything could have happened there.

    in fact the entire thing is impractical and id be shocked if it’s in my possession by the world series.

    likewise ive dated some amazing women. and ive had buddies say to me mama mia whats it like.

    and usually i say it’s probably exactly what it was when you dated: sometimes it’s miserable and sometimes it’s omg

    but theres a reason the alcohol business will never go out of business.

    Buddah’s second noble truth says that all suffering is rooted in desire.

    and because the first noble truth is that suffering is unavoidable, i think the bible is telling us to choose carefully as to what we desire.

    often it tells us to forget about things of this world. like hot babes, fast cars, and probably anything you could get at best buy.

    when we desire less selfish things and put ourselves in positions to omg help our neighbors instead of wanting to pork their concubines

    far less evil transpires in achieving those hopes and wishes.

    now take on the day.

  10. Sunday, May 26, 2013

    went to church today for the first time in about 20 years 


    i find that i judge every time im in church.

    i think about how much better the band could be if they felt the music instead of read it off the charts.

    i think about how the preacher should Bring It Home after he explains what the gospels mean.

    i think about how few people wanna get close to the Word and how it’s not their fault.

    this wasn’t a Catholic church so we didn’t receive communion. there was no holy water.

    and we didn’t kneel when we prayed.

    afterwards i went to brunch with a pretty girl and said all the wrong things.

    as usual.

    top of the list: i think i need to have my own church.

    pretty sure no babe wants to hear that over eggs benedict.

    958243_10151611517473057_1127765910_oeven if it’s true.

    today we talked about Mark 3: the house divided.

    i flipped right to it in the good book.

    bro explained it perfectly but didn’t explain what it means to 21st century west LA.

    didn’t talk about divorce, office politics, or listening to the evil part of your brain that says you suck.

    a house divided cannot stand.

    a bird who doesnt believe he cannot fly

    cannot fly.

    and xbi agent who doesnt trust the process gets shot.

    if i was the preacher i woulda said does anyone in the house have an example?

    how about a band who doesn’t Know and Love the music

    cannot swing.

    the spirit is in us, saints, let it fucking out.