busblog

nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, September 21, 2016

    a trio of Ask Tony questions appeared on my Facebook 

    jack and cokechris asks, Whats the protocol for calling BS on friends of friends racist posts? 

    it’s so interesting that you ask this because im about to finish reading the bible for the 3rd or 4th time (but who’s counting?) and Sunday i read this line in 2 Timothy that totally reminded me of Facebook

    23Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorant controversies; you know that they breed quarrels. 24And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, 25correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, 26and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will.

    Here St. Paul (the author of the letter to Timothy is Paul) starts off by saying “just totally ignore the haters because you’ll end up in a flame war, and those are for sucker MCs.” but then he says if we are really going to try to be good Christians we have to be super chill with everyone, totally patient, and if you are going to correct someone do it in the smoothest way ever. which in a way is the opposite of a flame, and eventually it’ll work out.

    Personally i have never seen a racist stop being a racist because of words on a Facebook wall. my experience of racism is it is the culmination of years and years of ignorance that starts with someone’s parents and friends and is fertilized over time by a fucked up environment. so i dont see where even the coolest exchange of facts, hyperlinks, and well-turned phrases could undo what years of bullshit formed. so i don’t even try very much any more, even though it can seem so tempting to jump in there.

    Instead I think there are far better places to place ones energies within Facebook, namely the good people in your life who, for whatever reason, Facebook hides from you because you haven’t engaged with them very much. Chill with them instead.

    Peter asks: Is it too soon for Brangelina jokes? 

    on one hand, it is super sad whenever any couple breaks up, especially those with many kids, because divorce affects some kids very emotionally – not to mention the once-happy couple.

    on the other hand, Comedy Is Not Pretty. some of the funniest jokes are dark, tasteless, rude, foul, biting, and OMG WHAT?comedy is not pretty

    but we need comedy, particularly when we see ourselves in others who apparently are having it worse than we are.

    the problem with bashing on Brad and Angie is for all apparent appearances they’re really sweet people. Brad built houses in New Orleans for the poor after a couple of those hurricanes. he produces films that tackle tough issues in artistic ways (The Big Short, 12 Years a Slave, The Normal Heart, Selma, etc)

    And Angie’s list of charitable endeavors was so long that the Academy gave her a humanitarian award a few years ago where even her acceptance speech was selfless, touching and inspiring, focused on her mom who taught her early on that all of us who live a safe, healthy life are extremely fortunate and downright lucky because we could have just as easily been born in another part of the world devoid of clean water, plentiful food or peace. so those of us whose head is above water should help those who aren’t.

    so since there are plenty of more deserving people to make fun of, i will be aiming my barbs at those who are far more selfish and foolish and worthy of my incredible barbs. perhaps you will feel the same way.

    Asher asks: If Tony is at Wrigley Field for the Word Series, how does he react to the national anthem?

    First of all, aint no way I’m going to be at Wrigley for the World Series. The cheapest tickets are going for close to $9,000 and even though i love the Cubs with all of my heart and wear a Cubs hat almost every day and have dozens of Cubs gear, and have lived this way my whole life, i’ve never had $9,000 laying around for such a thing and i sure as hell don’t now.

    But let’s say a miracle ticket comes my way and there i am in the bleachers and someone great like Billy Corgan or Cheap Trick or Bruce Springsteen starts singing The Star Spangled Banner: as much as i am angry and dismayed by so many innocent victims of the police murdering black men, i don’t see how one blogger in a sea of 40,000 Cub fans kneeling or raising my fist would impact anything in the slightest other than making my fellow Cub fans around me feel uncomfortable.

    What has made this protest so fascinating and powerful is it is coming from the players, most of whom have the cameras pointed at them. Because of these players the protest has gained momentum and kept the conversation going. Even if 1,000 fans knelt, the odds of the cameras catching it are minimal, especially on Fox, who will be broadcasting it, who care so little about the game or the viewers that they insist on having Joe Buck ruin it for everyone.

    So no, for once in my life, I would not be trying to change the world. I would be entirely focused on watching my little Cubby world change.

  2. Saturday, June 4, 2016

    after i finish the bible this time through i may put it down 

    whatas you know i read the bible every sunday for an hour

    it’s a deal i cut with the Lord that instead of going to church every sunday, i would read the bible for that hour, especially since that was always my favorite part of church

    i became upset that they didnt spend more time on the gospel and instead wasted all this time with the ritual and ceremony and handshaking and money giving

    and singing badly and the kneeling and the getting up and the sitting down

    here you have a dude who is so into religion that he has given away all of his money, agreed not to have any sex or family

    and the one big facetime he has with the public, 90 percent of it is scripted and a repeat of the week before.

    i say let him talk. and i say let him talk about what it is in that bible that changed his life. and if he has seriously thrown away all of the earthly obstacles, then what he will say will be clear and honest and

    maybe even a little inspiring.

    but theres none of that. and if it is theres a motive. there should only be one motive: truth

    so i read the bible every sunday, pretty much without fail, for like 15-20 years now.

    hard to keep track, cuz really, whos counting.

    anyways it isnt the joy it used to be. i know whats gonna happen. im not into it.chicago trib

    you should be into something if youre trying to do it for holy reasons.

    so i decided i will spend that time reading regular books.

    i have a house full of incredible regular books, the kind i used to read in college

    in isla vista, the most distracting place in the world.

    how does anyone study there?

    i used to think that i would give the college of creative studies a million if i ever won the lottery,

    but even with a brand new building

    yes in my world it only cost a million dollars to build

    a sweetass building

    but now im thinking i will just give it to robyn directly because

    how do kids pay attention to anything in that world

    how did i? and i read so much.

    answer: there was no internet.

    last night matt welch was in town because he was one of the guests in bill mahers hbo show, real time

    i texted him and said if theres an afterparty let a brotha know

    afterparty was in the courtyard of the boutique beverly hills hotel where everyone speaks french

    fortunately for all of us i dabble in the francais

    so i was all, matt welch, voila? and i pointed

    they were all, oui!

    and i was like merci baby

    the bible is about heartbreak and mistrust.

    its about anger and confusion and

    Screen Shot 2016-06-04 at 12.34.40 PMmost of all,

    disobedience,

    for no good reason other than knuckleheadness.

    after a while it gets depressing.

    i took a lyft over to le hotel so i could drink

    and it turned out hbo was paying for the drinks

    so me basart and welch sat around and they asked me who i was gonna be voting for on tuesday

    and i said willie wilson

    and matt spit out his champaign and said

    the speedy kc royal who swiped 668 stolen bases over his 19 year career?

    and i said, yes and no

    and i told them that i saw dr. wilson’s name on my sample ballot and i went to his website

    and then his facebook page

    and now im gonna vote for him.

    and we toasted to our new friend

    dr willie wilson from chicago

    who never stole shit.

    ali

  3. Friday, November 20, 2015

    the bible says we’re supposed to chill the fuck out 

    my house

    it says that if you are freaking out, then basically you’re dissing The Lord

    because you’re supposed to trust The Lord.

    thats the whole point of faith: trust.

    and thats the whole point of believing in a Higher Power

    you’re supposed to let Him do his thing and enjoy it.

    you remember what it was like to drive the lane

    dribbling through your legs

    looking one way and fake passing to the other

    and mid air youd see the eyes of the cheerleaders and some would be like

    omg

    but in a scared way

    and a few of them would be all

    omg

    but in a do it, baby

    way.

    and those were the cheerleaders you loved the most

    and those were who you’d think of as you were

    swinging from the rim

    right after

    you slammed it home,

    and right before

    you were called

    for a T.

  4. Wednesday, September 16, 2015

    the busblog approach to money 

    snoopydonald trumps favorite book, the bible, pretty much lays out how i feel about money

    one day Jesus was minding his own business, being rad, when someone asked him about taxes.

    i forget if it was about a flat tax or progressive tax or what, but

    Jesus was in the business of souls, he wasnt too concerned about how the 1% could hang on to a few more shekels while shaking down the poor

    near him was a handful of coins.

    he asked the questioner “who’s this?” and flipped him one of the coins.

    “That’s Caesar,” the guy told Jesus.

    so Jesus said, “give to Caesar what’s Caesar’s and give the Lord what’s the Lord’s.”

    which is probably the greatest f u in the good book, but it’s also an excellent way to live.

    so much of life on earth can be about the wrong priorities, especially when it comes to money.

    and i dont know precisely how it works, but i’ve noticed that the more i share things like who i am, or my crap, or my time, or “my money”, the more others share back.

    and isnt that way funner than just hoarding everything, alone, in a freaky selfish way, like a dick?

    we’ve all had ups and downs financially. it doesnt matter who you are. even trump had to declare bankruptcy on some of his stuff sometimes.

    but we always end up ok.

    why? because money doesn’t rule us unless we let it. they keep printing more. theres always interesting ways to get it. and theres tons of fun ways to share it.

    we will be ok.

    the thing we should worry way way way more about is our soul.

    how are we treating it? and if thats too weird of a concept, how about our hearts? what are we doing to them?

    trumps favorite book says the good lord will judge us by our heart. is our heart obsessed with doe-ray-me?

    or is it way more concerned about taking care of others and learning more about far more abstract things like

    love

    peace

    and the theory that the pitcher should bat eighth in the lineup so that the number nine hitter gets better pitches?

    we are on this funky ass globe for a blink of an eye

    fuck caesar’s stupid little coins

    unless they can be shared with the angels, saints, and the poor, in fascinating ways.

  5. Thursday, September 3, 2015

    today tom brady was released from fake jail 

    giselle

    proving once and for all that some people have all the luck and luck it is

    trust me, if i dumped my pregnant girlfriend for a brazillian supermodel id never hear the end of it

    and if i had my equipment manager illegally deflate my footballs before the AFC championship game

    my mom would yell at me and say

    I KNOW I DIDNT CARRY A FREAKING CHEATER AROUND IN MY BELLY FOR DAMN NEAR A YEAR

    but tom brady can get away with murder because he has a symmetrical face and genes that make him a few inches taller than your average bear

    the bible tells us that we shouldnt fret because even though payback is a b-word it doesnt always happen here in earth

    right next to it is a picture of St. Peter cracking his knuckles

    and St. Paul digging crud out of his finger nails

    and St. Mark practicing his nunchucks

    and St. Shadrach turning up the heat in the firey furnace.

    your time is gonna come, led zeppelin warned

    oh yes they did.

  6. Thursday, August 20, 2015

    dear tony, what do you do when things look utterly dire? 

    girl falling

    first, start by knowing that when you die you go to Heaven.

    second, start watching sports.

    what we love in sports is the team who comes back from an impossible deficit, with their star or unlikely star on the ropes, partially injured, undersized, outclassed, who no one believes in anymore

    who makes magic happen when it matters.

    and wins by a narrow margin.

    no one loves the blowout. no one cares for a team that starts strong and finishes strong.

    even the angels and saints want drama, despite what you want.

    speaking of… third, read the bible.

    theres all the stories about david and goliath, but that’s a red herring because david was never the Everyman, he was a superstar with no peers from the get go.

    the better stories are the ones like shadrach meshach and abednego who straight up Trusted the Lord and stayed true to who they were when they were led into the fiery furnace.

    always stay true, ponyboy.

    it’s easy to whine, it’s easy to say oh woe is me, it’s easy to say damn it sure feels like forces are lining against me, but fuck that. life could be a million times worse. theres people with missing limbs, theres people who have babies and the babies are all effed up. theres people who have terrible things that have happened to their faces and brains and imagine what it is like for them to try to find a job

    or try to get a girl to go with them to the dance or even a hay ride.

    crappy as things might be for you, odds are you could find someone to go on a hayride with you.

    start there.

    then remember if parts of life weren’t tough we’d never have poetry or shakespeare or hbo or rage against the machine.

    winter IS coming, fyi

    are you just gonna sit there and whimper and look over at your neighbors green grass and envy what you think is going on over there.

    i’ll tell you whats going on over there

    none of your business is going on over there.

    you have your own life to deal with, and it’s a full life, and it’s yours.

    you are bigger than your struggles.

    you have a terrible flu, youre in utah, and you have the ball.

    do you really want to be known as the black dude who lost a basketball game in utah?

    or do you wanna be known as one of the three bad brothers who casually danced into the firey furnace

    and then breakdanced inside it?

    theres a reason you learned how to pop lock

    theres a reason the Good Lord smiles when He hears your name.

    theres a reason when you walk down the street all the little pretties wave their hand.

    it’s because you can pull off the crazy ass shit

    with style

    that no one thought was even possible.

    which makes them believe They can.

    so if you ever feel like giving up on yourself,

    remember you’re giving up on them as well.

  7. Monday, June 29, 2015

    last week showed why you should never kill yrself 

    9EHjU1kso much can happen in just a day, let alone a week.

    unfortunately for politicians and others who like to drag their feet it also shows how lame excuses are.

    when someone wants to make things happen they usually can.

    for some reason i have let my apartment sorta lay dormant in the decorations department.

    did i think i was going to move or something? no.

    i only have one string of christmas lights, hardly and pictures on the walls.

    it’s been years since the xbi tore everything down in an attempt to rattle my cage.

    maybe my cage was rattled.

    we are all sensitive poets to a certain degree.

    we all react weirdly when weird things happen.

    the politicians and justices who grew up 50 years ago when gays pretty much had to stay in the closet and confederate flags flew everywhere they wanted

    probably never thought theyd see this day where equal rights for all really meant equal rights for all

    except for symbols of hate.

    so i sorta understand mike huckabee saying who cares what the supreme court says.

    although thats not the thing youd expect from a presidential candidate or a preacher, especially when the good book says for us to follow the laws of the land.

    and love our neighbor.

    and not to judge.

    but then again maybe huckabee is the lost sheep that we need to shepard over

    and forgive.

    and remind that we are all god’s creatures. every one of us.

    who all deserve love. and are reflections of the Creator.

    and just like we have grown and changed from the mud we once were in Genesis to the men and women we are today, God evolved in his thinking as well in the bible

    and symbolized his new commitment to love us and protect us

    with the rainbow.

    #neverforget

  8. Friday, May 15, 2015

    even though im a devout Christian, i also tend to be a tad superstitious 

    adam and evemostly because i think the Lord has better things to do than answer my prayers about playoff basketball.

    so i decided to drive around ubering in the rain last night so i could listen to the Clips game on the AM radio.

    in the grand scheme of things, im sure the Almighty cares very much about sports, and is thrilled that the cathedrals of yore have been replaced by sports palaces in cities around the world. but still does he really want me saying

    thanks for letting the Cubs stay above .500, but could you make sure Lob City knocks out the Rockets tonight?

    mortal, please.

    one of my favorite spots has been blown up, the CAA building in Century City, theres uber plus dudes all over that place where there used to be just lil ol me. so you have to adapt.

    so lately ive been chilling in westwood near the condos hoping some of the richies want a ride to the airport.

    last night i ended up with a very jewish young lady with her traditional garb on who was visiting her mother in the UCLA hospital.

    as we were driving i asked her if she had lived in westwood her whole life. she said yes, that her dad was a rabbi at the big temple.

    she added that she was also married to a rabbi.

    so as we passed P’tit Soleil, the best place to eat poutine in LA, i asked her if it was cool for conservative jews to eat poutine.

    she asked what was in it? i said, french fries, cheese curds, and gravy.

    she said well we’re not supposed to mix meats with dairy and the gravy would violate that rule.

    as we kept talking about the Torah she told me that the forbidden fruit actually has a backstory. in the notes of that tale was some detail that Adam and Eve would have been allowed to eat it if they had waited an hour, but they were instructed not to eat it on the Sabbath.

    because the snake tempted them, they ate it too early and thus they were shunned from the Garden.

    it was raining cats and dogs as we drove down Westwood Blvd.

    i could talk about the bible with people all day, so i loved it.

  9. Monday, March 16, 2015

    the Lord’s Day 

    sass with my special

    even though it was the lords day, i had a full day which started with sass texting me telling me she was back in america did i wanna meet her for brunch

    i said sure, where? she said how about by your house. so she drove her mini to me and got a table and texted me which is precisely what you should do and i waltzed over and we started chatting and soon there were grits and eggs benedict and lemonade which is also precisely what i love for brunch.

    sass is traveling a lot. globetrotting. and of course in the midst of lots of dramaz so it was fun to talk about all of those things. afterwards she wanted a real juice because the air quality was affecting her sensitive ph balance so we drove over to hipster central and got her some of the Tony Special. it was lovely.

    sunset in venice

    ali called me out on insta the night before because i was ubering in her neck of the woods and i didnt reach out to her. you just assume a smoking hot single girl who has been toning that sweet bod through crossfit would be up to her eyeballs with male attention, but i suppose everyone wants a little more busblog in their lives, so i texted her back and said lets sushi? she said oui.

    because the lovely amber had hooked me up with some uber rides i decided to play it safe and uber over because the large saki large beer combo is just begging for a DUI so for the past few times ive gone ive ubered. it’s nice. thanks amber.

    and because it was the Lords day i brought my ipad and read the bible on the way. we were driving right into the sunset and it was a dream. i really am very lucky to live here. especially when i hear about boston’s 100 inches of snow.

    ali and i had a great time. peter served us well. the only frustration he and i had was she wouldnt tell us what secret video game she is so busy working on, but in a few months we will all know and she swears we will love it.

    soft shelled crab

    on my uber ride home i was totally prepared to read more especially when my uber driver was struggling with english, but as we talked i realized he is from Iraq. so he told me all about what it was like to live there his whole life but was forced to immigrate here after the fall of saddam because the violence was unmanageable.

    he told me that the two times the US bombed the city we were always careful to only hit military targets, civilians rarely got hurt. but after the fall of saddam other islamic forces started fighting each other. “it would be like Glendale fighting Burbank” he explained. he said he often had to inspect under his car for bombs and eventually the bad people took over his whole block and kicked everyone out of their homes and then blew them up.

    fortunately he had been working for an american company for a few years and they helped him move here with his family. older guy. so sweet. answered all of my questions with very little emotion. but i was dying inside. imagine being terrorized by one enemy after another and worst of all the “liberation” of your tyrant turns out to be a bad thing.

    when he dropped me off i thanked him for sharing his story, i tipped him well, and even though i was a little buzzed i said, “hold on, wait, i know this phrase, ah yes, a salaam alaikum”

    he smiled very warmly and said “Wa alaykum.”

    indeed it was the Lord’s Day.

  10. Saturday, February 7, 2015

    sodom and gomorrah wasnt about orgies or being gay 

    sodom and gommorah

    it was about rape. the people wanted to rape angels.

    Lot was all, hey bros, how about you have sex with my virgin daughters instead?

    the daughters were probably all OMG DAD!

    but it didnt matter because “all the men from every part of the city of Sodom—both young and old”

    wanted to rape the visiting angels

    who by the way were on a mission to see for themselves how fucked up Sodom was.

    so the men said thanks but no thanks with your virgin daughters, Lot,

    give us the angels.

    how religious people, with straight faces, pretend that Las Vegas or San Francisco or any place that dares to celebrate fun is in any way related to this extremely violent story – is beyond me.

    next time you hear it or see it call them out.

    use this picture if you must.

    you’re welcome.