nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, April 16, 2019

    there are times when its scary to blog 

    and those are the times when you know youre alive

    demons dont haunt the heads of the dead.

    for a while there were sooooo many bloggers. this one. that one.

    lots of them kept it real and those were nice. and then there were those who just bullshitted over and over and youd be like, are you serious?

    and maybe they were but i dont think so.

    i think after a while people like all the attention and comments and ad sales and fighting

    but i dont.

    i like peace and love, tranquility and ease.

    which is why when its scary to blog, i need to remind myself that one,

    no one reads this any more (good) and two,

    people never think that your weirdo little secret shame is terrible. unless it is terrible and in that case you should seek help. but i read tons of blogs back in the day and no one was copping to super bad shit. nor should they have. most people are decent folk who feel bad over small things.

    the trick is to not let those small things hold you down forever.

    and thats the shit they should teach in school.

    i have not been having the best luck with the job search. companies who should be knocking down my door wont even text me back. if i didnt have this incredible excess of confidence and Trust in the Universe, i would be panicking right now.

    heres what im thinking about doing in the very near future if i cant get some nibbles on my resume.

    im gonna get a charlie chaplin bowler hat and a cane. and then an old suit thats too big for me. and some white boards.

    im gonna dress up like chaplin and go to hollywood blvd with a camera around my neck and a tripod with a big black sheet hanging from it. like old school camera setups had.

    one white board is gonna say “let me take your picture.” and there will be little “free”s all around the words. maybe there will be a huge price tag taped to it that also says Free.

    and it will be free. because who doesn’t love free?

    I will flip the white board around once in a while and it will say “I will send you the picture, also for free, via email.”

    and i will. because i am a genius.

    i will take a few pictures of the people. posing. not posing. sad. happy.

    i will not speak to the people. i will show the facial expressions with my own face. which will look like a mime charlie chaplin, btw.

    i will also point with my cane. one thing i will point at is an ipad where they will give me their name, email address, and order number. their order number will be the number that i will write on a movie styled clapboard. i will take a picture of them holding that clapboard before i take the actual picture. that way i know who to send the next picture too.

    after they enter the order number on the ipad, a screen will pop up and say, “would you like to tip this fine photographer?” and there will be options $2 $5 $25.

    next to the $25 it will say Best Value

    but i will treat everyone the same. i love people. and i love hollywood blvd. and i love taking pictures of people.

    if they dont wanna tip thats fine because later that night when i get home i will email them their pics and in the email will be direct links to amazon and paypal and venmo and they can have one last chance to tip me. and if they dont so what.

    anyone who tips will also get a thank you email. and on that email it will say, you are a wonderful person.

    it will also say, because you are wonderful, you are qualified to be in a book that i may have out one day.

    additionally: i have a secret instagram for all of this. if you would like to be on the instagram click here and if i have your permission to use this picture in a book one day maybe click here.

    and i bet they’ll click there.

    if things go well i will dress up as different types of people to mix things up.

    tomorrow, for example, i would dress up as a french man. beret. striped shirt. i will point with a baguette.

    my fear is someone may want to steal my camera. so i will have it around my neck. not sure where i will store the ipad.

    also not sure if i should have props, so if people want to wear a funny hat they should be allowed to.

    but i want these to be sorta nice 50mm portraits that they will actually like,

    that will look good on a secret instagram

    or in someone’s house as a fond memory of the time they got their picture taken for free

    on hollywood blvd

    by a dude in a boba fett costume

    who never talked, but pointed at things with a baguette.

  2. Monday, May 14, 2018

    i think i know what movie i wanna make 

    oscar levant was a concert pianist who was so beloved at one point he was the highest paid pianist in the world

    he was also so funny and smart that he he wrote books and was a regular guest on all the talk shows and game shows of the time.


    he had incredibly low self esteem.

    George Gershwin, who was writing music at that time, said Oscar, I love you, please be my friend.

    so they became friends and any time Gershwin wrote something new and handed it to Oscar

    Oscar would play it in a more beautiful way than George ever imagined.

    but still Oscar thought George was full of shit whenever he praised him.

    im not very good, he thought to himself.

    in fact im close to terrible.

    so he got involved with drugs. bad drugs. the baddest drug of them all: heroin.

    but it was codenamed Demerol.

    and it ate at his beautiful brain.

    all of his celebrity friends marveled at him, his sense of humor, his quick wit, his vocabulary and his neurosis

    but they always assumed his instability was either a complicated put on

    or something that he could keep in check.

    he couldn’t.

    he was assigned to one mental institute after another. until he finally died in one.


    and alone.

    i think Jonah Hill would be perfect.

    but maybe John Legend would be more perfect because it would be cool to have the piano playing be real and believable.


  3. Saturday, January 2, 2016

    ali and aj came over and we all ate brunch 

    ali me and ajthe best part of friends is they push your boundaries

    they help you grow as a person.

    me, i do everything i can to avoid growing, but fortunately i have been blessed by people around me who actually enjoy maturing, learning, and developing into even better versions of who they once were.

    aj had the french toast with carmalized bananas

    ali had the cobb salad

    and i had the bacon eggs and grits. the grits were bad, the bacon was thick and wonderful

    but aj won with her waffles which were amazing and delicious and understated and devilish.

    be careful when you order a small juice at square one because it will be a little baby size

    like omg i think you get more in a juice box.

    i need to open a dennys in silver lake, but not cool like fred 62, but not trashtown like an actual dennys. somewhere in between. eggs bacon and vegan crud for the vegans, but when you order a juice you get a real glass of some damn juice. that shit does actually grow on trees, you know. dont be stingy.

    i could drink a bucket of juice.

    at my ghetto dennys i might actually serve buckets of juice. $5 for a large glass. $19.76 for a bucket for the table. fucker comes with a ladle. maybe its a souvenir ladle. great, you talked me into it. $19.76 it comes with a ladle for you to take home and show your friends.

    maybe call the place the silver ladle.

    bands’ll play.

  4. Tuesday, December 15, 2015

    i have a great idea for LAist 

    tumblr_nzd2fayO1V1qa4iv8o7_r1_500why LAist?

    because you should always give back to where you came from

    and other than Lake Park High

    Santa Monica College

    the College of Creative Studies starring Robyn Bell

    the Daily Nexus

    and the world famous busblawwwwg,

    without LAist i would be selling women’s shoes next to Al Bundy right now in some mall wishing i had the courage to jump off the parking structure.

    instead im balls deep in love with you and you and you with so many Cubs hats i don’t even know what to do with them all.

    things are so good i was once dating this girl in college. true story. and when her parents found out i was black told her, if you dont break up with him – for your own good – we will disown you – for your own good. now some 25 years later that woman has seen the error of her ways and sent me a Christmas card the other day with a gift inside valued at $50.

    thats how good things are going.

    Love always beats ignorance and fear. the Cubs will win the World Series. the nipple will finally be free.

    and thats why i just gave this million dollar idea to LAist because they were there for me when no one else was. when i was tired and poor and hungry and no one except for mildly popular on the blogosphere begging people to buy my blook.

    LAist was there to trampoline me into real success. and i will always love them for that. and of course God.

    and if they dont say yes I’ll give it to the Weekly who once put me in their People of LA issue which i’ll never forget neither.

  5. Saturday, March 15, 2014
  6. Sunday, January 5, 2014

    dont hate me bc it’s beautiful 


    no interest in football this sunday so i drove down hollywood blvd and get a quick hike in


    everyones favorite dog park was packed because it was 72 degrees which rose to 75 while i was out there


    i also wanted to check out the new stairs by the empty mansion


    otherwise known as the $12 million crib that no one wants so they stopped hikers from walking so close to it


    which is kinda a weird thing to do when you build a house on a hill night next to a super popular hiking trail


    the new stairs were surprisingly rickety and bouncy. hopefully this is just the first stage of construction


    because people who use these stairs are pretty athletic and they will def be running on them and lighting them on fire.


    in the olden days you could just walk aside the empty home  but in the last few months they put up a few fences to detour you to the right


    some may complain but it’s a small price to pay for these beautiful January views


    dont let my mom see these signs


    shoutout to dude with the ankle weights who the girls were laughing at. but dem calves!


    oh forgot, the dogs liked peeing on the stairs too.


    after the hike i saw this cool new Robbie Conal poster


    and this handsome devil in a circus mirror


    the girls said we’d come here more often but the parking is terrible, i was all yeah it is but i have an idea


    for blocks and blocks around Runyon it’s no parking unless you have a permit.

    but anyone with a permit just parks in their garage or driveway.

    so im thinking, put parking meters on the street. $2 an hour. 2 hours max.


    and then give all the money raised to the neighbors of that hood.

    problem solved. everybody wins.

    yr welcome

  7. Sunday, November 17, 2013

    this is how the first book of Kings starts 

    da bears

    1. King David was old and advanced in years; and although they covered him with clothes, he could not get warm.

    2 So his servants said to him, “Let a young virgin be sought for my lord the king, and let her wait on the king, and be his attendant; let her lie in your bosom, so that my lord the king may be warm.”

    3 So they searched for a beautiful girl throughout all the territory of Israel, and found Abishag the Shunammite, and brought her to the king.

    4 The girl was very beautiful. She became the king’s attendant and served him, but the king did not know her sexually.

    three things

    1. now thats how you start a book

    2. it’s good to be the king

    3. i’m going to design some wooden spoons for ikea called Abishag the Shunammite

  8. Monday, October 21, 2013
  9. Saturday, July 27, 2013

    grocery stores need to get it together 

    happy girls holding hands

    ive been using my Vons Club card for probably 100 years now. they should know me pretty well by now.

    they know i eat canned generic peas and string beans.

    busthey know i eat bananas and drink coke.

    and buy two avocados every trip.

    id pay them $5 extra a visit if it was all bagged and charged to my debit card before i ever stepped in the door.

    and i bet you would too.

    And sure Vons wants me to go in there and stroll the aisles for point of sale and impulsive purchases

    but that can be done with the verification email that’s generated

    any time i text Vons from my phone

    to tell them that I’m coming in in a few minutes to get my regular order.

    it can say something like “Lucky for you today is Friday! You can get a whole Boston creme pie for just $5 today. Add this to order?”

    Have like 8-10 add-on suggestions in the email that i can say yes or no to

    and boom youve talked me into all the things that you either want to get rid of

    or things you know i’ll love but only rarely buy.


    make it easy by letting me text Vons when i have arrived in the parking lot

    and watch as peoples faces light up when one of those nice young employees

    rolls out my cart full of crap.

    thats already been charged to my stupid bank card. and all i have to do is sign for it like a Boss.

    best of all: it will cut down on lines at the checkout.

  10. Saturday, March 9, 2013

    took the subway to the laker game, saw a bunch of half naked ladies 


    didnt think twice about it
    other than the fact it was cold and rainy.
    but you know, friday night, LA, youth not being wasted on the young,
    etc., same old same old

    had a fun time at the game, Lakers took it into OT
    crowd went nuts, as they should, since the team is fighting to make the playoffs.

    terrible wifi in Staples Center. people should be ashamed.
    like that sort of thing should go on people’s permanent records.
    “charged customers $11 for beers, then gave then zero internet connection.”

    in LA we have letter grades on the windows of any place that serves food.
    the health inspector shows up and looks around and assigns you a grade.
    i should give people letter grades on their wifi
    and/or how well AT&T and Verizon works in their location.

    the busblog seal of approval.

    turns out the Swedish House Mafia were playing a farewell show at the Chinatown Field
    ravers raving soon followed, followed by busblog approved drinks.