i have a big meeting tomorrow

could be life changing.

could just be another sign that i should just keep doing what im doing, as is.

either way, it’s a 30 minute call.

they say in sales if you are talking more than the customer you’re talking too much.

so what can i say in 14 minutes that will get this to a second, hopefully longer call?

  • what’s in it for them
  • how is this for the greater good
  • are the risks smaller than the reward
  • is it worth the money
  • is it worth the time

so maybe i should figure out how i can spend two minutes on each of those bullet points

even though id rather be talking about anything else

 

 

mikeys hookups is incredible

tiny little store but they seemingly have everything.

i went in there today to get my laptop back

and there was a guy getting helped so i didnt mind walking around a little

listening to them playing REM’s first record

when i saw this on the front window

and the thing is it would be great to sell stereos and computers again

but im pretty sure i have to go all in on this podcast thing

but it is tempting, lemme tell you, because that place seems so great.

i may quit going to therapy.

its the only gloomy thing in my week each week.

she rejects me. every week. i dont need that right now. i need emotional support.

i need her to say crazy things like omg i talk to a lot of people every week and i look forward to hearing from you and asking you hard questions and watching you answer them.

kurt vonnegut tells a story, i think this is it, where on this planet the humans are in cages in the zooo

and the inhabitants of the planet are hands with an eye in the palm

and when the humans try to entertain these Tralfamadorians

they close their hand, so they wont have to see the idiocy.

i feel like shes closing her hand on me every week.

im trying to pull off a miracle.

podcasting is impacted with super talented, interesting, famous, stars.

how on earth am i going to be any reasonable sized hit in the near future?

and by the time i realize im destitute will mikeys hookup even need another person

im surprised they even need a sign that place is so great.

my only Plan B is to dress up as Darth Vader, go to Venice, and get tourists to sit on a folding chair

then i sit at the canvas and paint

but i only have one color

black

and it turns out im not painting portraits of them

im painting a death star

and when they ask how much

i point to a sign that says

everything.

then i flip it around

and it says

give me everything.

which im pretty sure you can do if youre dressed as darth vader

do you know how lucky we are?

me, you them, all of us are fortunate to be here

now

sharing this tiny sliver of time together

on this miraculous rock

where the air, water, temperature, oxygen levels are all at the right point

yes theres famine and pollution and crazy economic disparity

but we are here together.

and so many of us want to help.

and we are helping.

and as my preacher said today via YouTube

maybe it seems like everythings upside down right now

because maybe things are finally turning right side up

i am lucky that you are here

via the crazy internet tubes

which are filled with both plus signs

and negatives.

zeroes and ones.

you and mes.

me and yous.

lets try to do one more good thing this week

than we did last week

for someone.

killer idea that i’ll never do, so here you are

it’s called Exit Interview.

what you do is you build a facebook group of Yelpers. people who are totally used to reporting back at what they saw in great detail.

and one day you say, check it out, in a week, on this one particular day we are all going to go out in our neighborhoods at 10am and do this one thing, for one hour and then write about it. who’s in?

and every one who says theyre in refreshes the page and exactly at 9:30am theres a post on the page. something like this:

go to the motel closest to your house. wait for people to check out of the motel and as they are putting luggage into their cars tell them you’re part of a large group of facebookers who are asking these 5 questions to everyone leaving their motels right now. your names wont be used or your pictures. we just want you to be brutally honest.

then ask questions like, was the room clean, was it loud, what was the best feature, what was the worst feature and how much did it cost. something like that.

they do this for an hour trying to get as many people as they can get in that hour and go home and post the results and a picture of the place on the FB group.

can you imagine if you could get 1,000 people around the country to take a sample of something like that, that quickly?

my Howard Stern group has 17k people, if only 10 per cent of them did it it would be an enormous number.

but it could be done for italian restaurants, movies, rent a car places, bars, burger kings, nail salons, hospitals, any thing.

exit interview.

yr welcome.

dear log,

my personal life is at a noine.

and i see some light at the end of the tunnel for my professional life.

ive got two things out there that may come true.

one is the longest shot youve ever seen.

but the good thing is i am dictating exactly what it is, down to every detail, it probably won’t be approved because it’s basically saying

hi im christopher columbus, im gonna sail the ocean blue, with three ships, the pinta and minta and the gloria bell and i know all the maps say im gonna fall off the edge of the world

and there might be dragons

and as the doors said, no one here gets out alive

but i think i know the exact route. and when i get there im gonna plant my flag in Ohio and theyre gonna love me. and imma come back with exotic plants and animals and everythings gonna be different forever. and ever. for all of us. and its gonna cost a ton of cash, but i think i know where to get it.

the other thing is super fun too because it’s almost just like what i have been doing for the last five years, but different in all the right ways.

my odds of getting another interview for that one is high. mostly because i am uniquely qualified. youd think they would have just stopped the search after i applied but my luck isn’t like that. ive gotta work for inch. which i fine. you get stronger that way.

so the other day i was reading wikipedia because thats how bored i have been. and i learned about the tallest stack of pallets in the world (pictured). this guy i guess was super despondent that his little daughter had died. so he got all these wooden pallets and stacked them on her grave(?!) it grew to like 2,000 pallets.

eventually some of them fell down and a few others were cleared out. but then one day he got the wise idea to make it a historical eyesore or something, i mean, a landmark. and the city okayed it.

later one of the commissioners said they must have been drunk that day.

the city?

the city of angels.

former home of the tallest wooden pallet stack in the world.

(when the dude died his kids sold the property for millions and they took away the pallets and built condos.)

there are times when its scary to blog

and those are the times when you know youre alive

demons dont haunt the heads of the dead.

for a while there were sooooo many bloggers. this one. that one.

lots of them kept it real and those were nice. and then there were those who just bullshitted over and over and youd be like, are you serious?

and maybe they were but i dont think so.

i think after a while people like all the attention and comments and ad sales and fighting

but i dont.

i like peace and love, tranquility and ease.

which is why when its scary to blog, i need to remind myself that one,

no one reads this any more (good) and two,

people never think that your weirdo little secret shame is terrible. unless it is terrible and in that case you should seek help. but i read tons of blogs back in the day and no one was copping to super bad shit. nor should they have. most people are decent folk who feel bad over small things.

the trick is to not let those small things hold you down forever.

and thats the shit they should teach in school.

i have not been having the best luck with the job search. companies who should be knocking down my door wont even text me back. if i didnt have this incredible excess of confidence and Trust in the Universe, i would be panicking right now.

heres what im thinking about doing in the very near future if i cant get some nibbles on my resume.

im gonna get a charlie chaplin bowler hat and a cane. and then an old suit thats too big for me. and some white boards.

im gonna dress up like chaplin and go to hollywood blvd with a camera around my neck and a tripod with a big black sheet hanging from it. like old school camera setups had.

one white board is gonna say “let me take your picture.” and there will be little “free”s all around the words. maybe there will be a huge price tag taped to it that also says Free.

and it will be free. because who doesn’t love free?

I will flip the white board around once in a while and it will say “I will send you the picture, also for free, via email.”

and i will. because i am a genius.

i will take a few pictures of the people. posing. not posing. sad. happy.

i will not speak to the people. i will show the facial expressions with my own face. which will look like a mime charlie chaplin, btw.

i will also point with my cane. one thing i will point at is an ipad where they will give me their name, email address, and order number. their order number will be the number that i will write on a movie styled clapboard. i will take a picture of them holding that clapboard before i take the actual picture. that way i know who to send the next picture too.

after they enter the order number on the ipad, a screen will pop up and say, “would you like to tip this fine photographer?” and there will be options $2 $5 $25.

next to the $25 it will say Best Value

but i will treat everyone the same. i love people. and i love hollywood blvd. and i love taking pictures of people.

if they dont wanna tip thats fine because later that night when i get home i will email them their pics and in the email will be direct links to amazon and paypal and venmo and they can have one last chance to tip me. and if they dont so what.

anyone who tips will also get a thank you email. and on that email it will say, you are a wonderful person.

it will also say, because you are wonderful, you are qualified to be in a book that i may have out one day.

additionally: i have a secret instagram for all of this. if you would like to be on the instagram click here and if i have your permission to use this picture in a book one day maybe click here.

and i bet they’ll click there.

if things go well i will dress up as different types of people to mix things up.

tomorrow, for example, i would dress up as a french man. beret. striped shirt. i will point with a baguette.

my fear is someone may want to steal my camera. so i will have it around my neck. not sure where i will store the ipad.

also not sure if i should have props, so if people want to wear a funny hat they should be allowed to.

but i want these to be sorta nice 50mm portraits that they will actually like,

that will look good on a secret instagram

or in someone’s house as a fond memory of the time they got their picture taken for free

on hollywood blvd

by a dude in a boba fett costume

who never talked, but pointed at things with a baguette.

i think i know what movie i wanna make

oscar levant was a concert pianist who was so beloved at one point he was the highest paid pianist in the world

he was also so funny and smart that he he wrote books and was a regular guest on all the talk shows and game shows of the time.

BUT

he had incredibly low self esteem.

George Gershwin, who was writing music at that time, said Oscar, I love you, please be my friend.

so they became friends and any time Gershwin wrote something new and handed it to Oscar

Oscar would play it in a more beautiful way than George ever imagined.

but still Oscar thought George was full of shit whenever he praised him.

im not very good, he thought to himself.

in fact im close to terrible.

so he got involved with drugs. bad drugs. the baddest drug of them all: heroin.

but it was codenamed Demerol.

and it ate at his beautiful brain.

all of his celebrity friends marveled at him, his sense of humor, his quick wit, his vocabulary and his neurosis

but they always assumed his instability was either a complicated put on

or something that he could keep in check.

he couldn’t.

he was assigned to one mental institute after another. until he finally died in one.

penniless.

and alone.

i think Jonah Hill would be perfect.

but maybe John Legend would be more perfect because it would be cool to have the piano playing be real and believable.

 

ali and aj came over and we all ate brunch

ali me and ajthe best part of friends is they push your boundaries

they help you grow as a person.

me, i do everything i can to avoid growing, but fortunately i have been blessed by people around me who actually enjoy maturing, learning, and developing into even better versions of who they once were.

aj had the french toast with carmalized bananas

ali had the cobb salad

and i had the bacon eggs and grits. the grits were bad, the bacon was thick and wonderful

but aj won with her waffles which were amazing and delicious and understated and devilish.

be careful when you order a small juice at square one because it will be a little baby size

like omg i think you get more in a juice box.

i need to open a dennys in silver lake, but not cool like fred 62, but not trashtown like an actual dennys. somewhere in between. eggs bacon and vegan crud for the vegans, but when you order a juice you get a real glass of some damn juice. that shit does actually grow on trees, you know. dont be stingy.

i could drink a bucket of juice.

at my ghetto dennys i might actually serve buckets of juice. $5 for a large glass. $19.76 for a bucket for the table. fucker comes with a ladle. maybe its a souvenir ladle. great, you talked me into it. $19.76 it comes with a ladle for you to take home and show your friends.

maybe call the place the silver ladle.

bands’ll play.

i have a great idea for LAist

tumblr_nzd2fayO1V1qa4iv8o7_r1_500why LAist?

because you should always give back to where you came from

and other than Lake Park High

Santa Monica College

the College of Creative Studies starring Robyn Bell

the Daily Nexus

and the world famous busblawwwwg,

without LAist i would be selling women’s shoes next to Al Bundy right now in some mall wishing i had the courage to jump off the parking structure.

instead im balls deep in love with you and you and you with so many Cubs hats i don’t even know what to do with them all.

things are so good i was once dating this girl in college. true story. and when her parents found out i was black told her, if you dont break up with him – for your own good – we will disown you – for your own good. now some 25 years later that woman has seen the error of her ways and sent me a Christmas card the other day with a gift inside valued at $50.

thats how good things are going.

Love always beats ignorance and fear. the Cubs will win the World Series. the nipple will finally be free.

and thats why i just gave this million dollar idea to LAist because they were there for me when no one else was. when i was tired and poor and hungry and no one except for mildly popular on the blogosphere begging people to buy my blook.

LAist was there to trampoline me into real success. and i will always love them for that. and of course God.

and if they dont say yes I’ll give it to the Weekly who once put me in their People of LA issue which i’ll never forget neither.