busblog

nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, August 12, 2019

    killer idea that i’ll never do, so here you are 

    it’s called Exit Interview.

    what you do is you build a facebook group of Yelpers. people who are totally used to reporting back at what they saw in great detail.

    and one day you say, check it out, in a week, on this one particular day we are all going to go out in our neighborhoods at 10am and do this one thing, for one hour and then write about it. who’s in?

    and every one who says theyre in refreshes the page and exactly at 9:30am theres a post on the page. something like this:

    go to the motel closest to your house. wait for people to check out of the motel and as they are putting luggage into their cars tell them you’re part of a large group of facebookers who are asking these 5 questions to everyone leaving their motels right now. your names wont be used or your pictures. we just want you to be brutally honest.

    then ask questions like, was the room clean, was it loud, what was the best feature, what was the worst feature and how much did it cost. something like that.

    they do this for an hour trying to get as many people as they can get in that hour and go home and post the results and a picture of the place on the FB group.

    can you imagine if you could get 1,000 people around the country to take a sample of something like that, that quickly?

    my Howard Stern group has 17k people, if only 10 per cent of them did it it would be an enormous number.

    but it could be done for italian restaurants, movies, rent a car places, bars, burger kings, nail salons, hospitals, any thing.

    exit interview.

    yr welcome.

  2. Wednesday, July 24, 2019

    dear log, 

    my personal life is at a noine.

    and i see some light at the end of the tunnel for my professional life.

    ive got two things out there that may come true.

    one is the longest shot youve ever seen.

    but the good thing is i am dictating exactly what it is, down to every detail, it probably won’t be approved because it’s basically saying

    hi im christopher columbus, im gonna sail the ocean blue, with three ships, the pinta and minta and the gloria bell and i know all the maps say im gonna fall off the edge of the world

    and there might be dragons

    and as the doors said, no one here gets out alive

    but i think i know the exact route. and when i get there im gonna plant my flag in Ohio and theyre gonna love me. and imma come back with exotic plants and animals and everythings gonna be different forever. and ever. for all of us. and its gonna cost a ton of cash, but i think i know where to get it.

    the other thing is super fun too because it’s almost just like what i have been doing for the last five years, but different in all the right ways.

    my odds of getting another interview for that one is high. mostly because i am uniquely qualified. youd think they would have just stopped the search after i applied but my luck isn’t like that. ive gotta work for inch. which i fine. you get stronger that way.

    so the other day i was reading wikipedia because thats how bored i have been. and i learned about the tallest stack of pallets in the world (pictured). this guy i guess was super despondent that his little daughter had died. so he got all these wooden pallets and stacked them on her grave(?!) it grew to like 2,000 pallets.

    eventually some of them fell down and a few others were cleared out. but then one day he got the wise idea to make it a historical eyesore or something, i mean, a landmark. and the city okayed it.

    later one of the commissioners said they must have been drunk that day.

    the city?

    the city of angels.

    former home of the tallest wooden pallet stack in the world.

    (when the dude died his kids sold the property for millions and they took away the pallets and built condos.)

  3. Tuesday, April 16, 2019

    there are times when its scary to blog 

    and those are the times when you know youre alive

    demons dont haunt the heads of the dead.

    for a while there were sooooo many bloggers. this one. that one.

    lots of them kept it real and those were nice. and then there were those who just bullshitted over and over and youd be like, are you serious?

    and maybe they were but i dont think so.

    i think after a while people like all the attention and comments and ad sales and fighting

    but i dont.

    i like peace and love, tranquility and ease.

    which is why when its scary to blog, i need to remind myself that one,

    no one reads this any more (good) and two,

    people never think that your weirdo little secret shame is terrible. unless it is terrible and in that case you should seek help. but i read tons of blogs back in the day and no one was copping to super bad shit. nor should they have. most people are decent folk who feel bad over small things.

    the trick is to not let those small things hold you down forever.

    and thats the shit they should teach in school.

    i have not been having the best luck with the job search. companies who should be knocking down my door wont even text me back. if i didnt have this incredible excess of confidence and Trust in the Universe, i would be panicking right now.

    heres what im thinking about doing in the very near future if i cant get some nibbles on my resume.

    im gonna get a charlie chaplin bowler hat and a cane. and then an old suit thats too big for me. and some white boards.

    im gonna dress up like chaplin and go to hollywood blvd with a camera around my neck and a tripod with a big black sheet hanging from it. like old school camera setups had.

    one white board is gonna say “let me take your picture.” and there will be little “free”s all around the words. maybe there will be a huge price tag taped to it that also says Free.

    and it will be free. because who doesn’t love free?

    I will flip the white board around once in a while and it will say “I will send you the picture, also for free, via email.”

    and i will. because i am a genius.

    i will take a few pictures of the people. posing. not posing. sad. happy.

    i will not speak to the people. i will show the facial expressions with my own face. which will look like a mime charlie chaplin, btw.

    i will also point with my cane. one thing i will point at is an ipad where they will give me their name, email address, and order number. their order number will be the number that i will write on a movie styled clapboard. i will take a picture of them holding that clapboard before i take the actual picture. that way i know who to send the next picture too.

    after they enter the order number on the ipad, a screen will pop up and say, “would you like to tip this fine photographer?” and there will be options $2 $5 $25.

    next to the $25 it will say Best Value

    but i will treat everyone the same. i love people. and i love hollywood blvd. and i love taking pictures of people.

    if they dont wanna tip thats fine because later that night when i get home i will email them their pics and in the email will be direct links to amazon and paypal and venmo and they can have one last chance to tip me. and if they dont so what.

    anyone who tips will also get a thank you email. and on that email it will say, you are a wonderful person.

    it will also say, because you are wonderful, you are qualified to be in a book that i may have out one day.

    additionally: i have a secret instagram for all of this. if you would like to be on the instagram click here and if i have your permission to use this picture in a book one day maybe click here.

    and i bet they’ll click there.

    if things go well i will dress up as different types of people to mix things up.

    tomorrow, for example, i would dress up as a french man. beret. striped shirt. i will point with a baguette.

    my fear is someone may want to steal my camera. so i will have it around my neck. not sure where i will store the ipad.

    also not sure if i should have props, so if people want to wear a funny hat they should be allowed to.

    but i want these to be sorta nice 50mm portraits that they will actually like,

    that will look good on a secret instagram

    or in someone’s house as a fond memory of the time they got their picture taken for free

    on hollywood blvd

    by a dude in a boba fett costume

    who never talked, but pointed at things with a baguette.

  4. Monday, May 14, 2018

    i think i know what movie i wanna make 

    oscar levant was a concert pianist who was so beloved at one point he was the highest paid pianist in the world

    he was also so funny and smart that he he wrote books and was a regular guest on all the talk shows and game shows of the time.

    BUT

    he had incredibly low self esteem.

    George Gershwin, who was writing music at that time, said Oscar, I love you, please be my friend.

    so they became friends and any time Gershwin wrote something new and handed it to Oscar

    Oscar would play it in a more beautiful way than George ever imagined.

    but still Oscar thought George was full of shit whenever he praised him.

    im not very good, he thought to himself.

    in fact im close to terrible.

    so he got involved with drugs. bad drugs. the baddest drug of them all: heroin.

    but it was codenamed Demerol.

    and it ate at his beautiful brain.

    all of his celebrity friends marveled at him, his sense of humor, his quick wit, his vocabulary and his neurosis

    but they always assumed his instability was either a complicated put on

    or something that he could keep in check.

    he couldn’t.

    he was assigned to one mental institute after another. until he finally died in one.

    penniless.

    and alone.

    i think Jonah Hill would be perfect.

    but maybe John Legend would be more perfect because it would be cool to have the piano playing be real and believable.

     

  5. Saturday, January 2, 2016

    ali and aj came over and we all ate brunch 

    ali me and ajthe best part of friends is they push your boundaries

    they help you grow as a person.

    me, i do everything i can to avoid growing, but fortunately i have been blessed by people around me who actually enjoy maturing, learning, and developing into even better versions of who they once were.

    aj had the french toast with carmalized bananas

    ali had the cobb salad

    and i had the bacon eggs and grits. the grits were bad, the bacon was thick and wonderful

    but aj won with her waffles which were amazing and delicious and understated and devilish.

    be careful when you order a small juice at square one because it will be a little baby size

    like omg i think you get more in a juice box.

    i need to open a dennys in silver lake, but not cool like fred 62, but not trashtown like an actual dennys. somewhere in between. eggs bacon and vegan crud for the vegans, but when you order a juice you get a real glass of some damn juice. that shit does actually grow on trees, you know. dont be stingy.

    i could drink a bucket of juice.

    at my ghetto dennys i might actually serve buckets of juice. $5 for a large glass. $19.76 for a bucket for the table. fucker comes with a ladle. maybe its a souvenir ladle. great, you talked me into it. $19.76 it comes with a ladle for you to take home and show your friends.

    maybe call the place the silver ladle.

    bands’ll play.

  6. Tuesday, December 15, 2015

    i have a great idea for LAist 

    tumblr_nzd2fayO1V1qa4iv8o7_r1_500why LAist?

    because you should always give back to where you came from

    and other than Lake Park High

    Santa Monica College

    the College of Creative Studies starring Robyn Bell

    the Daily Nexus

    and the world famous busblawwwwg,

    without LAist i would be selling women’s shoes next to Al Bundy right now in some mall wishing i had the courage to jump off the parking structure.

    instead im balls deep in love with you and you and you with so many Cubs hats i don’t even know what to do with them all.

    things are so good i was once dating this girl in college. true story. and when her parents found out i was black told her, if you dont break up with him – for your own good – we will disown you – for your own good. now some 25 years later that woman has seen the error of her ways and sent me a Christmas card the other day with a gift inside valued at $50.

    thats how good things are going.

    Love always beats ignorance and fear. the Cubs will win the World Series. the nipple will finally be free.

    and thats why i just gave this million dollar idea to LAist because they were there for me when no one else was. when i was tired and poor and hungry and no one except for mildly popular on the blogosphere begging people to buy my blook.

    LAist was there to trampoline me into real success. and i will always love them for that. and of course God.

    and if they dont say yes I’ll give it to the Weekly who once put me in their People of LA issue which i’ll never forget neither.

  7. Saturday, March 15, 2014
  8. Sunday, January 5, 2014

    dont hate me bc it’s beautiful 

    1483807_10152117873923057_660949237_n

    no interest in football this sunday so i drove down hollywood blvd and get a quick hike in

    1489330_10152117908238057_1295949243_n

    everyones favorite dog park was packed because it was 72 degrees which rose to 75 while i was out there

    1499833_10152117960748057_2106219836_n

    i also wanted to check out the new stairs by the empty mansion

    1501903_10152117960643057_241480186_n

    otherwise known as the $12 million crib that no one wants so they stopped hikers from walking so close to it

    1502002_10152117960833057_1899800372_n

    which is kinda a weird thing to do when you build a house on a hill night next to a super popular hiking trail

    1533487_10152117960193057_58905598_n

    the new stairs were surprisingly rickety and bouncy. hopefully this is just the first stage of construction

    1533589_10152117959733057_220677523_n

    because people who use these stairs are pretty athletic and they will def be running on them and lighting them on fire.

    1533606_10152117960978057_1909243342_n

    in the olden days you could just walk aside the empty home  but in the last few months they put up a few fences to detour you to the right

    1543796_10152117880333057_1898046059_n

    some may complain but it’s a small price to pay for these beautiful January views

    1552788_10152117961158057_1435404628_n

    dont let my mom see these signs

    1552878_10152117962298057_2029035374_n

    shoutout to dude with the ankle weights who the girls were laughing at. but dem calves!

    1552882_10152117948628057_1316530621_n

    oh forgot, the dogs liked peeing on the stairs too.

    1555692_10152117874803057_132297944_n

    after the hike i saw this cool new Robbie Conal poster

    1558739_10152117876833057_923318160_n

    and this handsome devil in a circus mirror

    1558837_10152117933538057_149322489_n

    the girls said we’d come here more often but the parking is terrible, i was all yeah it is but i have an idea

    1533439_10152117963818057_513480588_n

    for blocks and blocks around Runyon it’s no parking unless you have a permit.

    but anyone with a permit just parks in their garage or driveway.

    so im thinking, put parking meters on the street. $2 an hour. 2 hours max.

    1598351_10152117897518057_2133904468_n

    and then give all the money raised to the neighbors of that hood.

    problem solved. everybody wins.

    yr welcome

  9. Sunday, November 17, 2013

    this is how the first book of Kings starts 

    da bears

    1. King David was old and advanced in years; and although they covered him with clothes, he could not get warm.

    2 So his servants said to him, “Let a young virgin be sought for my lord the king, and let her wait on the king, and be his attendant; let her lie in your bosom, so that my lord the king may be warm.”

    3 So they searched for a beautiful girl throughout all the territory of Israel, and found Abishag the Shunammite, and brought her to the king.

    4 The girl was very beautiful. She became the king’s attendant and served him, but the king did not know her sexually.

    three things

    1. now thats how you start a book

    2. it’s good to be the king

    3. i’m going to design some wooden spoons for ikea called Abishag the Shunammite

  10. Monday, October 21, 2013