nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, July 22, 2016

    today’s os’s birthday, he’s 24 


    born to long time kentuckians on the allegheny river on a river boat in a flood,

    os is building a recording studio on the banks of his shallow end

    and even though this isnt what i said to him when i saw how beautifully it was coming along

    this is what i would like

    i would like all of our friends to record all of their songs in the studio

    and call it the sugarfoot sessions.

    what i said was

    how much do those little water sprinklers cost

    hanging from the ceiling in case something catches fire

    the answer was

    woooo boy.

    id also like the friends to record the songs of other bands

    the bands that cant be with us, but who should be re recorded

    because no one else is gonna do it

    and it would be a shame to let those great tunes

    just fade away.

    when i didnt tell him all of that, his oldest child was playing soccer

    in his baseball uniform.

    technically it was his all star uniform for he was about to play in an all star game.

    i said, you know what people remember the most from their all star games?

    he said what. the boy’s 10 years old. by the way. where does time go?

    i said fights.

    fight em all.

    the inside of that plate is yours.

    lean in and if they plunk you, charge the mound.

    not sure if os agreed but he didnt disagree.


  2. Friday, June 10, 2016

    today is the truest’s birthday, shes 24 

    chris and africans

    almost everything you need to know about todays birthday girl is in this picture.

    when everyone was getting high, making money, going to cocktail parties with meliania

    chris went to africa to save the poorest of the poor. the blackest of the black.

    she joined the peace corps, volunteered at an orphanage filled with kids whos parents died of AIDS or wars.

    some of the kids were handicapped some were emotionally screwed up.

    two tried to kill themselves by throwing themselves into the Victoria River

    but Chris, once a member of the UCSB Women’s Crew Team, jumped into the river and saved them

    a year later she returned to the river, with the youngsters, and they took pictures to celebrate her bravery

    orphansand selflessness.

    some in the village called her a ghost. some a witch. some just called her America.

    America saved two orphans, someone said in Lugandan, the language of Uganda.

    You lie! said another.

    and a sound was heard in the distance, then a dusty image, then a rollicking cab filled with people

    some even on the roof.

    and then it stopped.

    and out came three wet souls. one white and two black.

    and off they climbed from the roof.

    and they all collapsed before they could get into the orphanage. they were exhausted.

    but alive.

    and the one said to the other SEE! SEE WHAT THE AMERICAN GHOST DID!

    today Chris lives in New Mexico where she donates blood every week.

    and listens to NPR on her solar powered radio.

    she is the very best this country is all about.

    Hillary should make her the VP.

  3. Tuesday, June 7, 2016

    today is michele’s birthday, shes 24 

    michelethe best things ive learned ive learned from women.

    and the least likely things ive learned, i learned from my girlfriends

    i have been extremely lucky with love.

    these women have all been super smart, and thankfully patient, but most of all, genius

    michele lived in malibu. i loved her family and fortunately they loved me right back. i tell these stories every year because i like to remember them.

    the drive was always so long to get out there but it was always worth it. we talked a lot, she and i. we were so young. people worry but they shouldnt. some kids just like to talk with their gf/bf. hold hands and watch movies.

    its weird that now i work right across the street from our favorite movie theatre: this little indie place that specialized in foreign films. i lived in inglewood at the time. i would drive to zuma, hang with her family and we would drive into hollywood and watch a movie, then id drive her home. then id drive back to inglewood.

    it was a lot of driving. i was 20. what did i care. i loved her. what wasnt there to love? dark hair, red lips, blue eyes, pale skin and the most beautiful words from the most concerned mind. she was from another world. i was from the dirt. she was from the heavens.

    she would see a whale in the sea and cry. shed stand by the railing and it would swim and she would see an entire novel. a mini series. she would weep during the sad parts and bawl during the happy parts. and it all took place in seconds. i didnt even look at the whale because there was a damn movie happening in her face. the weirdest and most beautiful movie. she’d apologize for crying and i’d apologize for not crying.

    she taught me about poetry and journalism and the rest of my life has been about

    well, not about whales.

    not yet. that is.

  4. Wednesday, June 1, 2016

    today is my niece Kyla’s birthday, she’s 14 


    kyla is a gemini.

    often shes a sweet angel. but i hear reports that she’s not always that way.

    but who can blame her, really, her favorite uncle is far away and she’s in a cold city

    and a giant house, with every toy, animal, human, and christmas tree a teenage girl could ever want.

    when i was her age i had a tv with three channels and an etch-a-sketch.

    we had a rotary phone and an AM radio.

    this chick’s got a PS4 AND an XBox One.

    she didnt like her brother so they adopted a baby sister for her.

    imagine that YOUR OWN BABY!

    the pool in the backyard is jacked up to 92 degrees. there are flat screen tvs in every room.

    and whenever she wants she can just “log on” to her computer (or phone or tablet or robot screen) and she can read the worlds greatest busblog.

    when i was her age i was drawing detailed maps on three ring binder paper so i could stand on a chair and drop a freshly sharpened pencil down upon my little world and see who the “bomb” destroyed.

    kyla has snapchat and instagram and minecraft and


    i hope she knows how lucky she has it.

    and how lucky we are to have her.

    happy birthday kyla jo!

  5. Tuesday, May 24, 2016
  6. Wednesday, May 11, 2016

    today is mary’s birthday, she’s 24 

    mary hugging bearas you well know by now she was my first girlfriend when we were in high school in illinois

    i havent heard from her since she sen me a little toy truck several years ago

    and we havent seen each other since there were fires in san dieger, where she has been living since forever.

    when we were kids we would write each other every day using stationary and colored pens and i would draw things and she would say the sweetest things and i would say them right back.

    every day the biggest thrill in the world was going to the mail box and getting one of her letters. it was like getting a message from Heaven itself.

    maybe im still writing her with this blog.

    maybe i moved to california the day i could just to get her back

    maybe i never moved out of california so we would maybe one day run into each other and say oh hey

    would she even recognize me?

    maybe i wear a cubs hat every day so she would

    maybe ive never gotten married or had kids or gone to jail so the door would remain open and we could finish what we started in schaumburg and hayward

    which was making out in the back seat of my cadillac right before the cops broke it up because why would a beautiful, tall blonde girl want with a skinny dude with an afro?

    maybe life is figuring out the answer to that.

    what if she moved away to hawaii long ago and im just a dog going to a bowl thats been empty for ever

    and right next door is a damn dog food factory but hes just sniffing that empty bowl

    that used to be filled with pork chops

    and apple sauce.

    hawaii it is

  7. Wednesday, March 23, 2016

    today is Liana’s birthday, shes 24 

    lianaLiana was born in havana cuba and moved to north carolina when it became obvious that america needed her.

    we met when i was just starting this blog and she insulted me and gave me dirty looks and delivered zero signals that she thought i was anything other than an annoying piece of dirt

    i believe one day i was trying to AOL instant message her and she told me she had just read this very blog

    i think she said, you are a bag of garbage with a hole in the bottom

    and as it’s dragged down the street theres a trail of gunk that is left behind

    the busblog is that trail.

    i instantly fell in love with her


    i asked her out over and over and she said no no no.

    she made fun of my clothes, my hair, my lack of a car, everything.

    but she kept reading this blog which back then did have a magic power.

    eventually she gave in and allowed me to take her to a movie, i think. it was so long ago. who knows.

    once i invite her to my place. she sat on one side of the couch and wrapped herself in a blanket and wouldnt let me come anywhere near her.

    it was the funniest thing id ever seen.

    we had many fun times after that and i miss seeing her all the time. but now shes a wife and mom and she has bigger fish to fry than to make me LOL in all her different ways.

    but today she turns 24 which is a big deal, so i brushed up on my Cuban, so here goes

    bonne anniverarrie, bella chica!

  8. Friday, February 19, 2016

    a bunch of my friends are Aquariuses so we party in February 


    we like to go to Castia de Castia or whatever it’s called because it’s central and they have a big room in the back and a back patio where all the kids can be loud and play and do shots without any of us “old folks” spying on them.

    kidding! the children are actually selling beers to passing strangers at a discount.

    kamikazisone of the kids, the oldest of the mcilvane boys is an excellent baseball player. i taught him everything he knows.

    yesterday he was sporting a sweatshirt for a team he is on. i said The Kamikazes? he said yeah.

    i said, i thought we lived in the politically correct Silver Lake / Los Feliz / Echo Park corridor, how is this possible?

    the boy just looked at me.

    i said, do you know what a Kamikaze is? before he could answer i interrupted, not a delicious drink.

    he said, they are suicide bombers.

    i was a little startled at how concisely he described it.

    i said yes! yes!

    he said, yeah someone got upset and we had to change the name. because our caps already had a K on it, we changed the name to The Kings.

    which was interesting, because here in America, didn’t some of us defect from England because we didn’t wanna be ruled by Kings any more? Didn’t we want some representation to go along with the taxation?

    and then i drove home trying to think of other names that started with K

    The Kanyes

    The Kickstarters

    The Kombuchas

    The Korean BBQs

    The High Flying Kites

    The Killer Kittens

    The Kreepy Klowns

    and then I realized yeah the Kings was probably the smart move.

  9. Friday, December 4, 2015

    today is Foxxy’s birthday, shes 24 

    foxxy and JaG

    back when everyone and their mother had a blog, Foxxy (pictured, left) had one that i loved.

    she musta loved mine too because she borrowed my disclaimer of “nothing in here is true”.

    the first time i ever met her was the last time i ever met her, im pretty sure, although now im not so sure.

    i think we all gathered at Keira-Anne’s bachelor apartment and walked along Lake Vancouver and then watched all the fireworks off the barge.

    and drank. omg. and drank.

    i said, Foxxy you’re even prettier in real life than i ever imagined, how about lets keep drinking after all these fireworks?

    she said, and do what?

    i said, do you remember that awesome black girl from Holland, Just A Girl?

    she said, yeah.

    i said, she’s in town too, and she’s gonna meet me at my hotel at midnight and im gonna show her my new breakdance moves.

    Foxxy was all, Just a Girl is really gonna be at your hotel at midnight? You? Dumbass busblog?

    I said, yeah!

    Foxxy said, fine but if we are there any later than 12:01 and theres no JustAGirl then i’m out.

    and as you can see from this photo they were amazed by my dance moves.

  10. Monday, November 30, 2015

    today is flagrant disregards birthday, is she even alive? 

    interview with a modelit should be no surprise to any one who read this blog during its hey day that i still love and miss one flagrant disregard

    aka splink

    an anorexic ex model who was also an artist and fantastic blogger.

    she was so private and freaked out that she would often delete posts and edit posts and over edit and over think but when she wrote it was right on the money like all the time.

    she had a mysterious life of wealth and glamour and sadness and sadness and sickness.

    was she even real? was it all a dream? or worse: a catfish?

    she had a twitter for a while. she had a following. did she have an instagram? probs not. those were the olden days when ma would have to run out to the crank and the billy goat had to get strapped in before the internet would be able to get to the house. those were the days of blogger pro which meant you didnt know if your shit would get published when you hit publish. youd have to say a lil prayer. youd have to save your stuff offline first. you had to hope hope hope itd stay. the kids now nothing about that now.

    they also dont know about the blogosphere. which is what provided an environment for people like flagrant and danielle and me and you and him and her and them. facebook doesnt let you really write. not like in a blog. and i know the kids wanna write. who doesnt wanna write. the cavemen didnt wanna just instagram.

    i hope flagrant is still around. i hope shes alive. i hope shes lurking. once upon a time i saved a whole bunch of her posts and printed them out and stapled them together and put them in a box just so the next generation of humanoids would know what she was like in case the internet disappeared.

    she did the meanest thing. she made it so the Wayback Machine couldnt find her. she did the second meanest thing. she didnt give me an exit interview. but she did the sweetest thing: she wrote from her heart for years. so sad it self destructed at the end of the message.