nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, February 13, 2015

    today is jeanine’s birthday, she’s back from Hell 


    some of us have been to the edge

    some of us have stared down into the big ugly

    some of us have had the taste of darkness

    jeanine has gone further and deeper and been places that should have never given her back to us.

    but we are so lucky she is still here.

    jeanine could drink more than any person i have ever met, and i know some drinkers.

    she consumed more substances than even her former drug dealer boyfriend

    (except pot. she hates pot.)

    and she did this for years and years and years.

    she was in the ICU on several occasions. french kissing death. saying comeon comeon comeon like kim gordon sneers in “kool thing”

    but even death knew jeanine had more to do here, on this planet, with all of us.

    and spit her back out.

    amber and jeaninethen a miracle happened.

    i was dating young amber smith blog and we discovered that jeanine and amber shared the same birthday

    not only that but they had similar demons.

    the miracle was that amber had gone through the steps that it took to rid her self of her evils and she was sweet enough to share that with her birthday sister.

    amber coached me that i was doing everything wrong. she told me that i had to let jeanine go and do her own thing and she would find the true path alone.

    it was scary but it worked. jeanine rode busses from the beach to DTLA to the valley to jump through all of the red tape that she needed to get help.

    omg socialized help

    which not only saved her life, but restored her to the jeanine we first knew and loved some two decades ago.

    today jeanine is sober, healthy, happy, alert, aware, and full of life.

    she is responsible and motivated and filled with happiness and joy and doing things she probably never thought she’d ever be doing like talking to her mom all the time, reading the bible, and just saying no.

    it’s a transformation we all hoped would happen but never thought would take place so quickly and thoroughly, but Jeanine is the essence of quickness. she taught herself guitar and piano in days. she became a certified jeweler in months. and now she has her sights set to be a master chef. which she will accomplish, no doubt, in part, to honor her late brother.

    i have had the great pleasure of knowing some of the most unique and special people in the world and jeanine continues to surprise me in beautiful ways.  and i love her so much and im so happy for her because i can only imagine how tough it was for her to get here.

    she has been on the craziest road and i thank God that she never gave up.

    happy birthday Jeanine. here’s to many more.

    and thank you and happy birthday Amber. without you who knows what would have happened to Jeanine.

  2. Sunday, January 11, 2015

    today is ashley’s birthday, shes 33 

    ashley is 33a woman i met when i was in college surprised me yesterday by calling me. we talked for about a half hour and nearing the end she asked why i hadnt ever gotten married.

    i told her that sometimes things are about timing. and even though the timing wasn’t right for that particular thing, i will be eternally grateful for the timing that led me to meet each and every one of the fantastic girlfriends ive had so far.

    as many of you know, ashley and i met in jail when she was just 19. she was there to break out a different tony, the bassist of no doubt. we were both there on trumped up charges which were later dropped, but when i saw the lengths the daisy princess would go to for her favorite band, i knew she would make a great girlfriend, so i got her hotmail address and we started emailing.

    eventually that lead to AOL instant messaging which lead to hours and hours a day of getting to know each other.

    over time ashley has written blogs, become bff with her idol miss drew barrymore, and even appeared on stage with gwen stefani at a tribute in vegas.

    but her best accomplishment has been in raising her beautiful mini me daughter, who has now taken prime residence all over the pages of her facebook. rightfully.

    i am very happy for ashley and her family. what she is doing is exactly what she has always wanted and it is so nice to see super sweet people get what they dreamed for.

    and on top of that, to look as beautiful as she did when she was a teenage prison breaker, is just icing on the cake.

    happy birthday ashley and many more to come!

  3. Monday, December 1, 2014

    omg it was danielle’s birthday yesterday 


    she texted me saying she was gonna come up here to celebrate with me but for some reason i thought she meant next weekend

    but then she texted me later during the rainstorm saying she had arrived in santa monica

    and i was all, wait, this weekend?!? she was like yeah. i went what.

    so i pulled a few strings and got the rain to stop today so we could hang out.

    i have missed danielle so. and ive definitely missed her blawwwwg.

    there are some people who just radiate all the positive things in the world all at once

    and yet their writing is so dark. it makes you appreciate those who can show all the aspects of life.

    i really need to work on my secret blog so i can exorcise the darker aspects of my mind.

    it’s a slippery slope though for me because it could easily lead to depression for me.

    anyways i cant wait to see danielle today and i will post some pics and tell her you said hi.

  4. Thursday, November 6, 2014

    today is alie wards birthday, shes 24 

    f56deda30a316c2b1034585be0fd4c480259how is alie ward not the biggest star in the world?

    she can dance, she can sing, shes the funniest person in the room.

    she looks great in a cocktail dress, even with her wooden leg.

    she can mix a damn drink. she will drink the damn drink. shes sharp as a tack.

    and shes a super hard worker. which youd never know because she makes it look so easy.

    many moons ago we worked together and whenever i passed her cube (when she was upstairs at metromix) or her desk (when she was downstairs with brand x) she was working working working

    but she always had time to tell me how nice my khakis looked or ask “how did you get those shoes to shine so bright!?!”

    shes on the tv with her bff georgia all the time. they do very funny podcasts. they volunteer at the the burn center. they rescue cats. alie even has a thing about bugs.


    because life is bizarre for some reason she isn’t on morning radio every day or a late night talk show each night.

    why is scarlet johannson the black widow in the avengers?

    why isn’t alie there concocting weird ass drinks to trick the evil monsters into doing shots with, and then puking rainbows all over the metropolis?

    why hasnt obama hired her to get the kids out to vote? why hasnt the mayor hired her to rank all the taco trucks during his Taco Trucks Must Be Ranked initiative?

    and why hasnt playboy let her guest edit an issue.


    maybe because too much awesome is like staring at the sun while on shrooms after being on acid.


    on alie wards birthday.

    on the moon.

    happy birthday hottest redhead with a wooden leg.

  5. Thursday, October 23, 2014

    delicious bday. people were super nice on the web 

    took a lyft to work and then to kanpai and then home so i could eat drink and be merry

    got to kanpai and my mom had called ahead and gave them her credit card

    which was a pleasant surprise

    chris ali and mary were there.

    so much was eaten and dranken.

    im a very lucky man.

    thank you all for all of it.

    amber was super dooper sweet

    and omg Alyson from Canada – ahahah thank you!

    next year’s is gonna be in vegas.

    why not.

  6. Wednesday, October 22, 2014
  7. today is my birthday, im 24 

    get born

    a million years ago my poor mother was rushed to a hospital in washington dc

    she was not given any pain meds to deliver me because she was told that she would want to feel the once-in-a-lifetime experience of having her first child.

    advice she would now never give another woman, she says.

    birthdays are about the child but i think they should be about the mom.

    my mom’s the greatest and unlike her gynecologist i have done my best to ease her pain as much as possible.

    this isn’t the easiest task because, being somewhat affiliated with the xbi, i am often in the middle of some dangerous situations, and i don’t always succeed.

    likewise i cant really have a steady girlfriend, which means i cannot produce any grandchildren for her.

    fortunately my sister has brought unto the world replicants who look a lot like me and are named after grandma.

    anything impressive that i have done in my crazy twisted life is all due to my mom who continues to be supportive of my wild imagination and bizarre paths. shes supportive the way Marge Simpson is. she may grumble but you know it’s for the right reasons. and often her tone alone will nudge me in the direction she feels is best.

    so happy birthday, mom. thanks for bringing me to this crazy planet filled with beautiful people, wonderful music, and fantastic movies.

    i hope i haven’t freaked you out too much so far.

  8. Monday, September 8, 2014

    today is mary’s birthday shes 24 

    mary and bekka

    born to ohio riverboat captains, mary moved to california on an ice skating scholarship.

    the claremont colleges werent a good fit for the outgoing blonde (seen here “studying” with xbi marine agent bekka) so she jumped ship and started a career in human resources where she excelled.

    one thing led to another and mary is now in venice where she can be seen walking her dog along abbott kinney in a floppy hat

    and smiling and smiling and smiling.

    mary is one of the friendliest people you’ll ever meet. she might not even be from ohio, she may just say that to make you feel better.

    in a past life she was probably a night nurse who would hold you in her arms and whisper sweet everythings to you as you floated back into your medicinal haze.

    what are her goals in life? to marry the richest man west of Lincoln and only wear high heels and g-strings.

    ive never seen mary work out but she maintains a miraculous shape for someone who eats as much gelato as she does.

    she has a beautiful apartment and a terrible stereo system with one john mayer cd.

    she doesnt even know the name of it.

    so would-be suitors: bring your own boombox, but not booze as todays birthday girl is a teetotaler, as are all her closest friends.

    they may all be from another land. like pennsylvania.

  9. Wednesday, August 6, 2014

    today is andy warhols birthday. he changed the world. 


    Andy Warhol:I wonder if people are going to remember us?

    Edie Sedgwick:What, when we’re dead?

    Andy Warhol:Yeah.

    Edie Sedgwick:Well I think people will talk about how you changed the world.

    Andy Warhol:I wonder what they’ll say about you…in your obituary. I like that word.

    Edie Sedgwick:Nothing nice, I don’t think.

    Andy Warhol:No no, come on. They’d say, “Edith Minturn Sedgwick, beautiful artist and actress…

    Edie Sedgwick:…and all around loon.

    Andy Warhol:…Remembered for setting the world on fire…

    Edie Sedgwick:…and escaping the clutches of her terrifying family…

    Andy Warhol:…Made friends with eeeeeverybody and anybody…

    Edie Sedgwick:…creating chaos and uproar wherever she went. Divorced as many times as she married, she leaves only good wishes behind.” [laughs] That’s nice, isn’t it?


  10. Monday, August 4, 2014

    thirteen years? who woulda thunk it? 

    jayz and tiger woodsyes it’s a pain in the butt sometimes to write on here.

    yes it’s a bit sad that my posts no longer get 40 comments on EVERY post.

    sure it’s a relief that women dont fly across the country to meet me and show me how excited they are to touch me after they find out im not a hologram.

    and yes ive thought about killing this blog, quitting blogging, stopping the presses, from time to time.

    but when it comes down to it, this is a train that has a mind of its own. im just the guy pulling the tooot tooot chain whenever i see a kid walking his billy goat asking me to blare the horn.

    some things in life you plant the seeds and water and then they grow quickly and magically up to the Giant and you really shouldnt take too much credit for it.

    and for sure you shouldnt chop it down. no matter how annoying it can be sometimes. no matter who’s reading – or not reading it.

    is it hard that my mom reads every word? a little, but i love my mom.

    is it difficult that prospective employers, current employers or Haterz read it?

    heres my answer for that.

    they say in order to write well you need to read a lot. some of that is because you should try to learn how certain authors got you from point A to point D.

    but also you should read a lot because it can teach you life lessons.

    one of my favorite books is Mark Twain’s Life On The Mississippi. Twain has influenced me in many ways but most importantly he taught me that it’s ok to just make a whole bunch of stuff up.

    but one thing he didnt make up was his knowledge of being a riverboat captain. and one of the things he talks about in Life on the Mississippi is how hard it can be for captains to steer the boats away from reefs and fallen logs and shallows and sunken boats.

    knowing that people who are looking for reasons to hate you is just like knowing theres evil under that dark rippley water over there.

    knowing that people who love you are reading is like knowing that theres river is bloated from the recent rainfall and you can steer closer to the edge.

    and knowing that co-workers, future employers, and your own HR department are reading is the right amount of boundaries that every writer needs.

    we all need motivation, inspiration, and sidelines.

    the goal, my goal, is to throw the ball so perfectly that the widereceiver can catch it with enough room that only his tippy-toes are in bounds.

    everyone likes those passes the best. but they wouldnt exist without boundaries.

    i am forever grateful to Ev Williams and his team at Blogger for bringing this platform to the masses.

    my world, my paycheck, my sex life, my weird weird weird career path is all due to signing up with Blogger.com 13 years ago and taking what i learned at college and applying it into a simple dialogue box.

    i never thought this would last this long. and i dont expect it to last another 13 years. but if the busblog has taught me one thing it’s there are a lot of things i dont know squat about, so keep typing.

    happy birthday busblog, you’re my favorite of all.