nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, May 24, 2016
  2. Wednesday, May 11, 2016

    today is mary’s birthday, she’s 24 

    mary hugging bearas you well know by now she was my first girlfriend when we were in high school in illinois

    i havent heard from her since she sen me a little toy truck several years ago

    and we havent seen each other since there were fires in san dieger, where she has been living since forever.

    when we were kids we would write each other every day using stationary and colored pens and i would draw things and she would say the sweetest things and i would say them right back.

    every day the biggest thrill in the world was going to the mail box and getting one of her letters. it was like getting a message from Heaven itself.

    maybe im still writing her with this blog.

    maybe i moved to california the day i could just to get her back

    maybe i never moved out of california so we would maybe one day run into each other and say oh hey

    would she even recognize me?

    maybe i wear a cubs hat every day so she would

    maybe ive never gotten married or had kids or gone to jail so the door would remain open and we could finish what we started in schaumburg and hayward

    which was making out in the back seat of my cadillac right before the cops broke it up because why would a beautiful, tall blonde girl want with a skinny dude with an afro?

    maybe life is figuring out the answer to that.

    what if she moved away to hawaii long ago and im just a dog going to a bowl thats been empty for ever

    and right next door is a damn dog food factory but hes just sniffing that empty bowl

    that used to be filled with pork chops

    and apple sauce.

    hawaii it is

  3. Wednesday, March 23, 2016

    today is Liana’s birthday, shes 24 

    lianaLiana was born in havana cuba and moved to north carolina when it became obvious that america needed her.

    we met when i was just starting this blog and she insulted me and gave me dirty looks and delivered zero signals that she thought i was anything other than an annoying piece of dirt

    i believe one day i was trying to AOL instant message her and she told me she had just read this very blog

    i think she said, you are a bag of garbage with a hole in the bottom

    and as it’s dragged down the street theres a trail of gunk that is left behind

    the busblog is that trail.

    i instantly fell in love with her


    i asked her out over and over and she said no no no.

    she made fun of my clothes, my hair, my lack of a car, everything.

    but she kept reading this blog which back then did have a magic power.

    eventually she gave in and allowed me to take her to a movie, i think. it was so long ago. who knows.

    once i invite her to my place. she sat on one side of the couch and wrapped herself in a blanket and wouldnt let me come anywhere near her.

    it was the funniest thing id ever seen.

    we had many fun times after that and i miss seeing her all the time. but now shes a wife and mom and she has bigger fish to fry than to make me LOL in all her different ways.

    but today she turns 24 which is a big deal, so i brushed up on my Cuban, so here goes

    bonne anniverarrie, bella chica!

  4. Friday, February 19, 2016

    a bunch of my friends are Aquariuses so we party in February 


    we like to go to Castia de Castia or whatever it’s called because it’s central and they have a big room in the back and a back patio where all the kids can be loud and play and do shots without any of us “old folks” spying on them.

    kidding! the children are actually selling beers to passing strangers at a discount.

    kamikazisone of the kids, the oldest of the mcilvane boys is an excellent baseball player. i taught him everything he knows.

    yesterday he was sporting a sweatshirt for a team he is on. i said The Kamikazes? he said yeah.

    i said, i thought we lived in the politically correct Silver Lake / Los Feliz / Echo Park corridor, how is this possible?

    the boy just looked at me.

    i said, do you know what a Kamikaze is? before he could answer i interrupted, not a delicious drink.

    he said, they are suicide bombers.

    i was a little startled at how concisely he described it.

    i said yes! yes!

    he said, yeah someone got upset and we had to change the name. because our caps already had a K on it, we changed the name to The Kings.

    which was interesting, because here in America, didn’t some of us defect from England because we didn’t wanna be ruled by Kings any more? Didn’t we want some representation to go along with the taxation?

    and then i drove home trying to think of other names that started with K

    The Kanyes

    The Kickstarters

    The Kombuchas

    The Korean BBQs

    The High Flying Kites

    The Killer Kittens

    The Kreepy Klowns

    and then I realized yeah the Kings was probably the smart move.

  5. Friday, December 4, 2015

    today is Foxxy’s birthday, shes 24 

    foxxy and JaG

    back when everyone and their mother had a blog, Foxxy (pictured, left) had one that i loved.

    she musta loved mine too because she borrowed my disclaimer of “nothing in here is true”.

    the first time i ever met her was the last time i ever met her, im pretty sure, although now im not so sure.

    i think we all gathered at Keira-Anne’s bachelor apartment and walked along Lake Vancouver and then watched all the fireworks off the barge.

    and drank. omg. and drank.

    i said, Foxxy you’re even prettier in real life than i ever imagined, how about lets keep drinking after all these fireworks?

    she said, and do what?

    i said, do you remember that awesome black girl from Holland, Just A Girl?

    she said, yeah.

    i said, she’s in town too, and she’s gonna meet me at my hotel at midnight and im gonna show her my new breakdance moves.

    Foxxy was all, Just a Girl is really gonna be at your hotel at midnight? You? Dumbass busblog?

    I said, yeah!

    Foxxy said, fine but if we are there any later than 12:01 and theres no JustAGirl then i’m out.

    and as you can see from this photo they were amazed by my dance moves.

  6. Monday, November 30, 2015

    today is flagrant disregards birthday, is she even alive? 

    interview with a modelit should be no surprise to any one who read this blog during its hey day that i still love and miss one flagrant disregard

    aka splink

    an anorexic ex model who was also an artist and fantastic blogger.

    she was so private and freaked out that she would often delete posts and edit posts and over edit and over think but when she wrote it was right on the money like all the time.

    she had a mysterious life of wealth and glamour and sadness and sadness and sickness.

    was she even real? was it all a dream? or worse: a catfish?

    she had a twitter for a while. she had a following. did she have an instagram? probs not. those were the olden days when ma would have to run out to the crank and the billy goat had to get strapped in before the internet would be able to get to the house. those were the days of blogger pro which meant you didnt know if your shit would get published when you hit publish. youd have to say a lil prayer. youd have to save your stuff offline first. you had to hope hope hope itd stay. the kids now nothing about that now.

    they also dont know about the blogosphere. which is what provided an environment for people like flagrant and danielle and me and you and him and her and them. facebook doesnt let you really write. not like in a blog. and i know the kids wanna write. who doesnt wanna write. the cavemen didnt wanna just instagram.

    i hope flagrant is still around. i hope shes alive. i hope shes lurking. once upon a time i saved a whole bunch of her posts and printed them out and stapled them together and put them in a box just so the next generation of humanoids would know what she was like in case the internet disappeared.

    she did the meanest thing. she made it so the Wayback Machine couldnt find her. she did the second meanest thing. she didnt give me an exit interview. but she did the sweetest thing: she wrote from her heart for years. so sad it self destructed at the end of the message.

  7. today is danielle’s birthday, shes 24 


    the reason i believe in the Lord is because i was very depressed working at E! and the good Lord literally brought an angel to me.

    from the very first time that we met we totally hit it off.

    she was the most bubbly, alive person in the whole joint.

    she made everything fun, even though none of it was fun


    her real job was to figure out with me how we were going to get her shows into the post production rooms

    and in the studio.

    so many of the people who i had to work with were not very fun because they too were depressed.

    but when it was time for danielle to come down and work on the schedule it was a joy.

    such a joy that we would have lunch almost every day and have beautiful photoshoots


    every now and then we would venture to my house for some reason

    perhaps it was because she wanted some after-work Thai food

    maybe it was so we could just get as far away from work as possible

    and try new props for our shoots.


    who knows, who cares. all i know is many of the pictures ended up on this blog and you all loved her as much as i did

    and still do.

    she is the only reason to visit san dieger. shes the only reason that boring place is still in the USA

    i cant believe its been 24 years since shes moved down there.

    in a perfect world shed move back up here and live next door to me and all will be well in the world again

    but life doesnt spin that way. right now shes being an angel where its most needed.

    so we should be grateful for the beautiful times we had together.

    happy birthday danielle!!

  8. Sunday, November 22, 2015

    it’s ali and katie’s birthday week, they’re 24 

    ali and katie

    usually im intoxicated when im with them. who knows why.

    last night we were out with a group of friends to celebrate ali’s technical birthday.

    today is katie’s technical birthday and last night katie and i shared an uber

    in which i told her my secret plan of college domination.

    katie and ali are very fun, a little too smart, and know way more about music than girls their age should.

    it can be a bit unnerving sometimes so you just keep drinking and try not to figure it out.

    robots? androids? shapeshifters? yes. probably. partially.

    and sometimes the good lord just says lets mix some of the hippie gen with some of the rock gen

    with some of this unforgivable edm gen for flavor and see what happens.

    the results: good things happen.

    this morning i thought someone had stolen my wallet.

    it was in a bag, in the fridge, of leftovers from last night.


    thats your souvenir from hanging with these girls on their birthday.

  9. Monday, November 2, 2015

    todays sass’s birthday, shes 24 

    sass in my closetpicked up this 21 year old brazillian dude in my uber on halloween.

    first thing he said was im afraid im gonna cheat on my girlfriend tonight.

    he was not dressed up in a costume unless he was going as a handsome young brazillian with a nervous conscious.

    i said, where is your girlfriend? he said san pablo.

    we were at a stop light. i said you wont cheat on her, dont worry.

    and just then three young women dressed as sexy cats walked by in their high heels just laughing and laughing

    he and i watched. they were probably the prettiest women in the whole wide world.

    i said how long have you been dating this girl.

    he said, since we were 12.

    i said TWELVE!?

    he then showed me a picture of them when they were 12.

    i said, listen. i know about love. and love is magical. i also know your english is terrible so just listen to the sounds.

    your weiner is an important thing. it believes in love too. it followed you to the USA.

    here in the USA you might meet a chinese girl from canada named sass, who, im told, loves barely legal brazillian boys.

    he said i dont like asian women.

    i showed him this photo.

    he said, take me to her.

    i said, too late amigo shes in paris right now. but my point is you may meet someone like her and 30 years from now you’re gonna be very mad when you see someone like her on tv and you will kick your dog or goat or moose and say WHY DIDNT I MEET THIS SASS!

    break up with your girl immediately and start your life.

    and he said, youre right. thank you sir. and he tipped me one dollar on a $20 ride.

  10. Friday, October 23, 2015

    pretty great birthday, gotta say 

    chris and jeanine at my birthday dinner

    my work friends took me to marie calendars for lunch and that was super swell

    they reminded me that i hadn’t stopped working at E! just a few years ago, indeed it was closer to 13 years ago.

    mama mia time flies.

    they asked me if i had any advice for them since i was sooooo much older than them.

    and i pointed at the E! building across the street and i said, since you mention that place, i’d have to say

    blog. blog every day. blog online. it doesnt have to be open to the public. but one thing im so happy about is the fact that if i ever want to go back and see what i was doing or thinking or hanging with, it’s all right there in my words and pictures and nobody can take it down. facebook might close shop one day. then where are your memories?

    our grub

    after work Jeanine and Chris took me to Rush Street in Culver City and we ate all these adult meals. I had salmon with green mashed potatoes. jeanine had sliders and chris had some sustainable pizza. it was all delicious. ive known Chris since i was 21 and Jeanine since i was 23. im more than double that now and they are still such a great part of my life. im very very lucky.

    bad beer

    chris and i split this $29 bottle of Goose Island Halia which tasted like a terrible mistake that they couldnt sell so they put an outrageous price on it and hipsters were all OMG it must be fantastic. but it was far from fantastic but since Chris and i went to UCSB and had lots of far from fantastic beers there, we drank almost all of it, and i poured some out for the bad people who arent with us.

    afterwards Jeanine and I walked across the street to the kirk douglas theatre, where she had bought us front row tickets to see Courtney Love in a pop-opera. I was so close to Courtney i could have touched her. it was a very weird play. im not real sure what it was about but it was enjoyable and only an hour. i recommend it for anyone who loves Ms Love and wants to be super close to her physically while she sings this guy’s weird songs. the lighting was terrific. it’s amazing what they can do with a small stage.

    all in all, i cant believe i made it to 137 years old. i cant believe pretty girls want to get naked with me. i cant believe my back still works and my fingers and my nose and my heart and my eyes and my knees. i swear im going to start exercising more as i approach 200 years old. i havent hiked in ages and havent run in god knows how long. i seriously need to join the gym across from my work next week. because this great luck cant last for ever. can it?