nothing in here is true

  1. Saturday, July 11, 2015
  2. Monday, June 8, 2015

    today is jeff solomons birthday, he’s 24 

    jeff solomon

    the reason you have today off is because of the bass player of Tsar

    people complained there were too many federal holidays, but when Ronald Reagan

    heard the soothing bass lines come from the teenage Jeff Solomon’s marshall half stack

    he was all, “damn, lemme sit down for a second, mommy.”

    and the president sat there and put his head in his hands and just wept for a little while.

    because it was beautiful.

    jeff had really long hair back then and he dabbed the tears from the president’s face with it.

    reagan decided there and then that today, june 8th would be a federal holiday

    but his vice president


    said, dude we can’t do this. Solomon is a jew and we cant make the first federal holiday honoring a jew

    be for a teenage boy: people will talk!

    but one thing nice about Dutch Reagan that people loved was, he didn’t really give a shit what people thought.

    ironic. but true. and on his death bed Nancy tried to rip up the executive order making today a holiday

    but Jeff had made a Xerox copy and mailed it to the library of Congress

    where it sits today

    and that is why we all get today off. so thank you Jeff

    and thank you Ronald “Lion of Judah” Reagan for honoring our very dear friend.

  3. Monday, May 11, 2015

    today is my first girlfriend ever marys birthday 

    i wonder where she is how shes doing whats going on with her. how her boys are. if she thinks about me. if she roots for the cubs.

    does she have gray hair. does she still have a sweet voice. if she prays for me. i pray for her.

    she both made everything fantastic for a 15 year old boy and ruined everything. because she was the prettiest, coolest, sweetest girl i knew.

    how on earth did she want to talk to me on the phone? why on earth was she holding my hand. then kissing me? then being my girlfriend?

    she was the best because she taught me you can approach whoever you wanted because who knows maybe theyd be into it. maybe theyd say yes.

    maybe theyd see you for you. you didnt have to make up anything. you didnt have to be a tall blond blue eyed surfer guy.

    you could be the biggest nerd alive and after the movie you could driver home and lean over and kiss her as tom petty was playing

    and shed kiss you right back.

    until her dad turned on the garage light.

    then she would write notes and letters and send gifts and move away but still write and call and

    mama mia.

    so of course when i see its may eleventh i think of her.

    you woulda too.

    her breath always smelled great.

    her stationary was always pretty.

    and any time i heard her voice id feel just like those lucky few who make it into heaven feel:


    and those are the things i shoot for still to these days.

    because i know it’s possible.

    even today.

  4. Friday, February 13, 2015

    today is jeanine’s birthday, she’s back from Hell 


    some of us have been to the edge

    some of us have stared down into the big ugly

    some of us have had the taste of darkness

    jeanine has gone further and deeper and been places that should have never given her back to us.

    but we are so lucky she is still here.

    jeanine could drink more than any person i have ever met, and i know some drinkers.

    she consumed more substances than even her former drug dealer boyfriend

    (except pot. she hates pot.)

    and she did this for years and years and years.

    she was in the ICU on several occasions. french kissing death. saying comeon comeon comeon like kim gordon sneers in “kool thing”

    but even death knew jeanine had more to do here, on this planet, with all of us.

    and spit her back out.

    amber and jeaninethen a miracle happened.

    i was dating young amber smith blog and we discovered that jeanine and amber shared the same birthday

    not only that but they had similar demons.

    the miracle was that amber had gone through the steps that it took to rid her self of her evils and she was sweet enough to share that with her birthday sister.

    amber coached me that i was doing everything wrong. she told me that i had to let jeanine go and do her own thing and she would find the true path alone.

    it was scary but it worked. jeanine rode busses from the beach to DTLA to the valley to jump through all of the red tape that she needed to get help.

    omg socialized help

    which not only saved her life, but restored her to the jeanine we first knew and loved some two decades ago.

    today jeanine is sober, healthy, happy, alert, aware, and full of life.

    she is responsible and motivated and filled with happiness and joy and doing things she probably never thought she’d ever be doing like talking to her mom all the time, reading the bible, and just saying no.

    it’s a transformation we all hoped would happen but never thought would take place so quickly and thoroughly, but Jeanine is the essence of quickness. she taught herself guitar and piano in days. she became a certified jeweler in months. and now she has her sights set to be a master chef. which she will accomplish, no doubt, in part, to honor her late brother.

    i have had the great pleasure of knowing some of the most unique and special people in the world and jeanine continues to surprise me in beautiful ways.  and i love her so much and im so happy for her because i can only imagine how tough it was for her to get here.

    she has been on the craziest road and i thank God that she never gave up.

    happy birthday Jeanine. here’s to many more.

    and thank you and happy birthday Amber. without you who knows what would have happened to Jeanine.

  5. Sunday, January 11, 2015

    today is ashley’s birthday, shes 33 

    ashley is 33a woman i met when i was in college surprised me yesterday by calling me. we talked for about a half hour and nearing the end she asked why i hadnt ever gotten married.

    i told her that sometimes things are about timing. and even though the timing wasn’t right for that particular thing, i will be eternally grateful for the timing that led me to meet each and every one of the fantastic girlfriends ive had so far.

    as many of you know, ashley and i met in jail when she was just 19. she was there to break out a different tony, the bassist of no doubt. we were both there on trumped up charges which were later dropped, but when i saw the lengths the daisy princess would go to for her favorite band, i knew she would make a great girlfriend, so i got her hotmail address and we started emailing.

    eventually that lead to AOL instant messaging which lead to hours and hours a day of getting to know each other.

    over time ashley has written blogs, become bff with her idol miss drew barrymore, and even appeared on stage with gwen stefani at a tribute in vegas.

    but her best accomplishment has been in raising her beautiful mini me daughter, who has now taken prime residence all over the pages of her facebook. rightfully.

    i am very happy for ashley and her family. what she is doing is exactly what she has always wanted and it is so nice to see super sweet people get what they dreamed for.

    and on top of that, to look as beautiful as she did when she was a teenage prison breaker, is just icing on the cake.

    happy birthday ashley and many more to come!

  6. Monday, December 1, 2014

    omg it was danielle’s birthday yesterday 


    she texted me saying she was gonna come up here to celebrate with me but for some reason i thought she meant next weekend

    but then she texted me later during the rainstorm saying she had arrived in santa monica

    and i was all, wait, this weekend?!? she was like yeah. i went what.

    so i pulled a few strings and got the rain to stop today so we could hang out.

    i have missed danielle so. and ive definitely missed her blawwwwg.

    there are some people who just radiate all the positive things in the world all at once

    and yet their writing is so dark. it makes you appreciate those who can show all the aspects of life.

    i really need to work on my secret blog so i can exorcise the darker aspects of my mind.

    it’s a slippery slope though for me because it could easily lead to depression for me.

    anyways i cant wait to see danielle today and i will post some pics and tell her you said hi.

  7. Thursday, November 6, 2014

    today is alie wards birthday, shes 24 

    f56deda30a316c2b1034585be0fd4c480259how is alie ward not the biggest star in the world?

    she can dance, she can sing, shes the funniest person in the room.

    she looks great in a cocktail dress, even with her wooden leg.

    she can mix a damn drink. she will drink the damn drink. shes sharp as a tack.

    and shes a super hard worker. which youd never know because she makes it look so easy.

    many moons ago we worked together and whenever i passed her cube (when she was upstairs at metromix) or her desk (when she was downstairs with brand x) she was working working working

    but she always had time to tell me how nice my khakis looked or ask “how did you get those shoes to shine so bright!?!”

    shes on the tv with her bff georgia all the time. they do very funny podcasts. they volunteer at the the burn center. they rescue cats. alie even has a thing about bugs.


    because life is bizarre for some reason she isn’t on morning radio every day or a late night talk show each night.

    why is scarlet johannson the black widow in the avengers?

    why isn’t alie there concocting weird ass drinks to trick the evil monsters into doing shots with, and then puking rainbows all over the metropolis?

    why hasnt obama hired her to get the kids out to vote? why hasnt the mayor hired her to rank all the taco trucks during his Taco Trucks Must Be Ranked initiative?

    and why hasnt playboy let her guest edit an issue.


    maybe because too much awesome is like staring at the sun while on shrooms after being on acid.


    on alie wards birthday.

    on the moon.

    happy birthday hottest redhead with a wooden leg.

  8. Thursday, October 23, 2014

    delicious bday. people were super nice on the web 

    took a lyft to work and then to kanpai and then home so i could eat drink and be merry

    got to kanpai and my mom had called ahead and gave them her credit card

    which was a pleasant surprise

    chris ali and mary were there.

    so much was eaten and dranken.

    im a very lucky man.

    thank you all for all of it.

    amber was super dooper sweet

    and omg Alyson from Canada – ahahah thank you!

    next year’s is gonna be in vegas.

    why not.

  9. Wednesday, October 22, 2014
  10. today is my birthday, im 24 

    get born

    a million years ago my poor mother was rushed to a hospital in washington dc

    she was not given any pain meds to deliver me because she was told that she would want to feel the once-in-a-lifetime experience of having her first child.

    advice she would now never give another woman, she says.

    birthdays are about the child but i think they should be about the mom.

    my mom’s the greatest and unlike her gynecologist i have done my best to ease her pain as much as possible.

    this isn’t the easiest task because, being somewhat affiliated with the xbi, i am often in the middle of some dangerous situations, and i don’t always succeed.

    likewise i cant really have a steady girlfriend, which means i cannot produce any grandchildren for her.

    fortunately my sister has brought unto the world replicants who look a lot like me and are named after grandma.

    anything impressive that i have done in my crazy twisted life is all due to my mom who continues to be supportive of my wild imagination and bizarre paths. shes supportive the way Marge Simpson is. she may grumble but you know it’s for the right reasons. and often her tone alone will nudge me in the direction she feels is best.

    so happy birthday, mom. thanks for bringing me to this crazy planet filled with beautiful people, wonderful music, and fantastic movies.

    i hope i haven’t freaked you out too much so far.