nothing in here is true

  1. Sunday, November 22, 2015

    it’s ali and katie’s birthday week, they’re 24 

    ali and katie

    usually im intoxicated when im with them. who knows why.

    last night we were out with a group of friends to celebrate ali’s technical birthday.

    today is katie’s technical birthday and last night katie and i shared an uber

    in which i told her my secret plan of college domination.

    katie and ali are very fun, a little too smart, and know way more about music than girls their age should.

    it can be a bit unnerving sometimes so you just keep drinking and try not to figure it out.

    robots? androids? shapeshifters? yes. probably. partially.

    and sometimes the good lord just says lets mix some of the hippie gen with some of the rock gen

    with some of this unforgivable edm gen for flavor and see what happens.

    the results: good things happen.

    this morning i thought someone had stolen my wallet.

    it was in a bag, in the fridge, of leftovers from last night.


    thats your souvenir from hanging with these girls on their birthday.

  2. Monday, November 2, 2015

    todays sass’s birthday, shes 24 

    sass in my closetpicked up this 21 year old brazillian dude in my uber on halloween.

    first thing he said was im afraid im gonna cheat on my girlfriend tonight.

    he was not dressed up in a costume unless he was going as a handsome young brazillian with a nervous conscious.

    i said, where is your girlfriend? he said san pablo.

    we were at a stop light. i said you wont cheat on her, dont worry.

    and just then three young women dressed as sexy cats walked by in their high heels just laughing and laughing

    he and i watched. they were probably the prettiest women in the whole wide world.

    i said how long have you been dating this girl.

    he said, since we were 12.

    i said TWELVE!?

    he then showed me a picture of them when they were 12.

    i said, listen. i know about love. and love is magical. i also know your english is terrible so just listen to the sounds.

    your weiner is an important thing. it believes in love too. it followed you to the USA.

    here in the USA you might meet a chinese girl from canada named sass, who, im told, loves barely legal brazillian boys.

    he said i dont like asian women.

    i showed him this photo.

    he said, take me to her.

    i said, too late amigo shes in paris right now. but my point is you may meet someone like her and 30 years from now you’re gonna be very mad when you see someone like her on tv and you will kick your dog or goat or moose and say WHY DIDNT I MEET THIS SASS!

    break up with your girl immediately and start your life.

    and he said, youre right. thank you sir. and he tipped me one dollar on a $20 ride.

  3. Friday, October 23, 2015

    pretty great birthday, gotta say 

    chris and jeanine at my birthday dinner

    my work friends took me to marie calendars for lunch and that was super swell

    they reminded me that i hadn’t stopped working at E! just a few years ago, indeed it was closer to 13 years ago.

    mama mia time flies.

    they asked me if i had any advice for them since i was sooooo much older than them.

    and i pointed at the E! building across the street and i said, since you mention that place, i’d have to say

    blog. blog every day. blog online. it doesnt have to be open to the public. but one thing im so happy about is the fact that if i ever want to go back and see what i was doing or thinking or hanging with, it’s all right there in my words and pictures and nobody can take it down. facebook might close shop one day. then where are your memories?

    our grub

    after work Jeanine and Chris took me to Rush Street in Culver City and we ate all these adult meals. I had salmon with green mashed potatoes. jeanine had sliders and chris had some sustainable pizza. it was all delicious. ive known Chris since i was 21 and Jeanine since i was 23. im more than double that now and they are still such a great part of my life. im very very lucky.

    bad beer

    chris and i split this $29 bottle of Goose Island Halia which tasted like a terrible mistake that they couldnt sell so they put an outrageous price on it and hipsters were all OMG it must be fantastic. but it was far from fantastic but since Chris and i went to UCSB and had lots of far from fantastic beers there, we drank almost all of it, and i poured some out for the bad people who arent with us.

    afterwards Jeanine and I walked across the street to the kirk douglas theatre, where she had bought us front row tickets to see Courtney Love in a pop-opera. I was so close to Courtney i could have touched her. it was a very weird play. im not real sure what it was about but it was enjoyable and only an hour. i recommend it for anyone who loves Ms Love and wants to be super close to her physically while she sings this guy’s weird songs. the lighting was terrific. it’s amazing what they can do with a small stage.

    all in all, i cant believe i made it to 137 years old. i cant believe pretty girls want to get naked with me. i cant believe my back still works and my fingers and my nose and my heart and my eyes and my knees. i swear im going to start exercising more as i approach 200 years old. i havent hiked in ages and havent run in god knows how long. i seriously need to join the gym across from my work next week. because this great luck cant last for ever. can it?

  4. Thursday, October 22, 2015

    i had a good day yesterday, having a good day today 


    pretty girl asked me to tacos last night. then we ate tacos last night.

    today miss jeanine natale is taking me to the musical starring courtney love and im pretty sure we’re in the front row.

    and all day my friends have been wishing me a happy birthday on my facebook and because someone said “make sure to give your mom a shoutout” i will post a few of their messages on here because she is responsible for anything good that people might see in me

    as i am a reflection of her.

    Happy Birthday to arguably one of my most entertaining FB friends. Keep up the good work and for make your damn site mobile optimized this year.

    Thank you for being born (and being you in my vicinity as long as I was lucky enough to enjoy it), Tony Pierce!

    Happy birthday pal! Hope it’s filled with at least as many great tunes and drinks as Monday night

    Happy birthday Tony. Sorry I couldn’t convince the Cubs to win this year for you, but they promised they will next year.

    TP and I mean that with great respect my life is better because of you.Thank You! I hope you are having a great day because you deserve it!!!!

    Happy birthday Tony! Pretty nice October bonus we got there!

    Tony – you’re an inspiration to so many around the world – I hope today you’re eatin your favorite foods hanging with some of your favorite people, and takin er easy as you well deserve. HBD!

    It is perhaps the most thoughtless thing of the Cubs to get swept from the NLCS the day before we celebrate the day of days, the day of your birth, your existence. Then again, the Cubs sort of hitched their star to Eddie Vedder, and that’s sort of what you get. Despite this I hope you have a great day, and I suppose there is always next year.

    Tony, you continue to be one of the most positive, kind, and entertaining people I’ve ever met. If anyone deserves the best birthday this planet has to offer, honestly, it’s you. Have a great one!

    Happy Birthday Tony! In honor of your birthday I want to share a poem from one of my favorite authors 😉.


    You know Tony, there are people you meet on this planet, sometimes briefly in passing, who have a particular character, and engage you in interesting conversation, and you remember them the rest of your life, in a very positive way. You are one of these people.

    You got a lot of birthday wishes but there are probably thousands thinking of you and just not doing anything about it. Like me. Happy birthday, Tony. You’ve made yourself into a writer. Good, too.

    Tony going to give you a silver lining as a gift. The Cubs getting swept will leave them bitter and that much hungrier next year. There won’t be any let down.

    There were many more. I am flabbergasted. Thank you friends!!!!!

  5. Tuesday, October 6, 2015

    today’s sam’s birthday, shes 29 

    sam on a boat

    once todays birthday girl, samantha, and i were on a row boat in canada and we were having a farting contest

    im extremely competitive when called out so my farts were coming out in rapid succession

    at one point they were powering our craft

    and killing wildlife in our wake.

    sam admitted defeat and retreated to the bow and i took this picture.

    she used to work at american apparel as a model. dov loved her. why wouldnt he.

    now theyre bankrupt because they took the company away from him last year because of blah blah blah.

    but sam, now a bankruptcy attorney, says depending on the deal that the judge cuts with those who AA owes

    and the geniuses who yanked control away from Dov,

    when the company gets out from under all of the millions of dollars of debt and

    breaks the leases with the underperforming stores,

    american apparel might be in better shape than ever

    which would be a perfect time to reunite the prodigal son with his creation.

    which is why libras are the best. so optimistic.

  6. Monday, September 21, 2015

    i am the most complicated man 


    i try to avoid the past but half of my thoughts are about the past.

    i try to live in the now but i cant help but try to predict the future.

    when i go to chicago i love love love it but when i come back home i love it even more.

    the kids love me and i love them but if i never have any thatd be fine with me but if i ever had some im sure id be an incredible dad or the worst of all because i would keep it real with them and say things like

    bill murray and carrie fisherlife isnt fair dont ever think it is.

    i wouldnt tell them shit about santa claus id point to the portrait over the fireplace of a black Jesus and id say its that guy’s birthday coming up and we should do stuff for OTHER people instead of asking for a barbie dream house. its not even your birthday! how do you think you should get a bunch of stuff and chop down a tree and leave cookies out for reindeers we live in Hollywood, how many reindeers you see here baby?

    but then id probably buy them the biggest barbie dream house of all and sign it, happy my birthday – jesus.
    my cats missed me. they came running to me when i got home last night. they were all hey man thought you croaked or something.

    xbi texted me while i was on the FlyAway bus asking how the Feel No Pain remedy worked on my arms and hands and i dont wanna tell them that it totally worked but they know.

    lord knows, they know.

    today is bill murrays birthday and i dont know what to do about it. drink without a shirt? walk down Hollywood Blvd. and just congratulate everyone I pass?

    he had the best advice about being rich and famous, he said if thats what you really want to do, just be rich. and then be super generous to everyone without telling them youre rich. no one has to know. he said that would cover most of what you get out of being famous.

    and the best is you avoid the people who just want you cuz yr famous.

    guess bill screwed that part up.

    do you know  something that i love today?

    i love that Ryan Adams covered Taylor Swift’s entire album, 1989, which was pretty terrible, but a band called Father John Misty covered Adams’ cover of Blank Space in the style of Lou Reed.

    THIS is a record I want.

    I’d buy a damn record player just to play it if it only came on vinyl.

    i also love that i have today off so i can do my laundry and read the bible and order thai and maybe take a nap with the window open and the fan blowing

    knowing that Jay Cutler wont lose the game for the Bears next Sunday or probably the Sunday after that

    and the Cubs are peaking at exactly the right time.

    timing, as you know, is everything.

  7. Monday, September 14, 2015

    today is ramie’s birthday, shes 24 

    ramieborn and raised off the 99 in visalia, ramie earned a scholarship at kansas due to her incredible vocal talents.

    only problem it was for opera and she didnt wanna sing the same dumb songs her whole life.

    so she switched over to dance and got a scholarship off that no sweat.

    ever since, ramie has danced and danced. she even started a troupe out here where everyone dresses a like and then flash mobs certain clubs and everyone is happier and the dj and the dj

    and the dj.

    we met at the los angeles times where it seems like i knew a whole lot more people than i remember.

    ramie was this sparkle of color and light in an otherwise drab palate.

    often we’d talk about something she had written for metromix or brandx and then id go off to my duties.

    she told me recently that she remembered i was always passing her desk going to lunch with this one or that one and she wondered why i never asked her to lunch.

    which made me wonder, yeah why didnt i ask her to lunch?

    probably because deep down im very shy and that job was a dream job and i didnt wanna screw it up in any way so for the most part i bit my tongue about things and for damn sure i wasnt taking any one to lunch unless it was purely to improve a blog.

    but that was then and this is now and somehow the fates aligned and we had some tacos the other day and then i said hey wanna see a movie and she said no its too hot out.

    when youre a million years old like i am that makes sense.

    then i got a text from the xbi saying no one was gonna use their seats for the b52s and i said hey wanna

    and she was all omg yes.

    and it was a delight.

    she even danced a little.

  8. today is amy winehouse’s birthday, she woulda been 32 

    old bathroom

    this is what my bathroom used to look like.

    xbi wasnt into it so they stripped the walls and painted it white and started putting bugs in the flowers.

    so no more flowers in hurrr.

    took michael to the vet the other day because she had two marks under her throat.

    at first i thought they were welts that she had scratched open

    but the veterinarian had a very different diagnosis


    i was told to put some salve on it and stop letting her sleep at the foot of my bed

    because in the middle of the night she could do something crazy like bite me.

    and if she sucked my blood, well, then i too would be a creature of the night.

    everything changes in this weird old world.

    one day amy winehouse is singing her songs and the next day shes gone.

    one day you have an amazing bathroom and flowers and mouthwash

    next minute your cats a vampire.

    you should probably kiss the pretty girl in front of you

    eat that extra slice of whatever

    and thank your lucky stars you’re even here right now

    because sooner or later the skinny girls gonna sing.

  9. Tuesday, September 8, 2015

    today’s mary’s birthday, shes 24 

    mary in central parkhow is she still alive?

    how is she not in jail?

    how does she not have like a hundred babies?

    why isnt she on the real housewives of beverly hills?

    mary, like destinys child, is a survivor. she has survived herself and most recently, burning man.

    she sends me outfit-of-the-day pictures from time to time (who doesnt) and theyre always a marvel because she seems to never age.

    she works hard, plays hard, and travels around the wessside like it aint no big thing. so maybe it isnt? she knows fun people and does interesting things all with a dog. how?

    she just gets things done. anyone else would have imploded by now. anyone else’s dog would have made a big giant mess in the bathroom by now.

    but mary carries on.

    any time i dip my toe into an online dating sight or pass by a fortune teller they say why arent you and mary together? and i say let me count the ways.

    im not a rich enough doctor. i live east of lincoln. and after my first girlfriend mary broke my heart ive sworn off marys.

    todays birthday girl is on her way back from burningman, probably in a helicopter,

    she might even be piloting it.

    hopefully she doesnt get bored halfway and put it on autocopter, because there isnt such a thing.

    but even if it crashes she will rise from the ashes with a laugh, a joke

    and smokin hair.

    happy birthday mary!

    see you at the bungalow!