nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, October 6, 2015

    today’s sam’s birthday, shes 29 

    sam on a boat

    once todays birthday girl, samantha, and i were on a row boat in canada and we were having a farting contest

    im extremely competitive when called out so my farts were coming out in rapid succession

    at one point they were powering our craft

    and killing wildlife in our wake.

    sam admitted defeat and retreated to the bow and i took this picture.

    she used to work at american apparel as a model. dov loved her. why wouldnt he.

    now theyre bankrupt because they took the company away from him last year because of blah blah blah.

    but sam, now a bankruptcy attorney, says depending on the deal that the judge cuts with those who AA owes

    and the geniuses who yanked control away from Dov,

    when the company gets out from under all of the millions of dollars of debt and

    breaks the leases with the underperforming stores,

    american apparel might be in better shape than ever

    which would be a perfect time to reunite the prodigal son with his creation.

    which is why libras are the best. so optimistic.

  2. Monday, September 21, 2015

    i am the most complicated man 


    i try to avoid the past but half of my thoughts are about the past.

    i try to live in the now but i cant help but try to predict the future.

    when i go to chicago i love love love it but when i come back home i love it even more.

    the kids love me and i love them but if i never have any thatd be fine with me but if i ever had some im sure id be an incredible dad or the worst of all because i would keep it real with them and say things like

    bill murray and carrie fisherlife isnt fair dont ever think it is.

    i wouldnt tell them shit about santa claus id point to the portrait over the fireplace of a black Jesus and id say its that guy’s birthday coming up and we should do stuff for OTHER people instead of asking for a barbie dream house. its not even your birthday! how do you think you should get a bunch of stuff and chop down a tree and leave cookies out for reindeers we live in Hollywood, how many reindeers you see here baby?

    but then id probably buy them the biggest barbie dream house of all and sign it, happy my birthday – jesus.
    my cats missed me. they came running to me when i got home last night. they were all hey man thought you croaked or something.

    xbi texted me while i was on the FlyAway bus asking how the Feel No Pain remedy worked on my arms and hands and i dont wanna tell them that it totally worked but they know.

    lord knows, they know.

    today is bill murrays birthday and i dont know what to do about it. drink without a shirt? walk down Hollywood Blvd. and just congratulate everyone I pass?

    he had the best advice about being rich and famous, he said if thats what you really want to do, just be rich. and then be super generous to everyone without telling them youre rich. no one has to know. he said that would cover most of what you get out of being famous.

    and the best is you avoid the people who just want you cuz yr famous.

    guess bill screwed that part up.

    do you know  something that i love today?

    i love that Ryan Adams covered Taylor Swift’s entire album, 1989, which was pretty terrible, but a band called Father John Misty covered Adams’ cover of Blank Space in the style of Lou Reed.

    THIS is a record I want.

    I’d buy a damn record player just to play it if it only came on vinyl.

    i also love that i have today off so i can do my laundry and read the bible and order thai and maybe take a nap with the window open and the fan blowing

    knowing that Jay Cutler wont lose the game for the Bears next Sunday or probably the Sunday after that

    and the Cubs are peaking at exactly the right time.

    timing, as you know, is everything.

  3. Monday, September 14, 2015

    today is ramie’s birthday, shes 24 

    ramieborn and raised off the 99 in visalia, ramie earned a scholarship at kansas due to her incredible vocal talents.

    only problem it was for opera and she didnt wanna sing the same dumb songs her whole life.

    so she switched over to dance and got a scholarship off that no sweat.

    ever since, ramie has danced and danced. she even started a troupe out here where everyone dresses a like and then flash mobs certain clubs and everyone is happier and the dj and the dj

    and the dj.

    we met at the los angeles times where it seems like i knew a whole lot more people than i remember.

    ramie was this sparkle of color and light in an otherwise drab palate.

    often we’d talk about something she had written for metromix or brandx and then id go off to my duties.

    she told me recently that she remembered i was always passing her desk going to lunch with this one or that one and she wondered why i never asked her to lunch.

    which made me wonder, yeah why didnt i ask her to lunch?

    probably because deep down im very shy and that job was a dream job and i didnt wanna screw it up in any way so for the most part i bit my tongue about things and for damn sure i wasnt taking any one to lunch unless it was purely to improve a blog.

    but that was then and this is now and somehow the fates aligned and we had some tacos the other day and then i said hey wanna see a movie and she said no its too hot out.

    when youre a million years old like i am that makes sense.

    then i got a text from the xbi saying no one was gonna use their seats for the b52s and i said hey wanna

    and she was all omg yes.

    and it was a delight.

    she even danced a little.

  4. today is amy winehouse’s birthday, she woulda been 32 

    old bathroom

    this is what my bathroom used to look like.

    xbi wasnt into it so they stripped the walls and painted it white and started putting bugs in the flowers.

    so no more flowers in hurrr.

    took michael to the vet the other day because she had two marks under her throat.

    at first i thought they were welts that she had scratched open

    but the veterinarian had a very different diagnosis


    i was told to put some salve on it and stop letting her sleep at the foot of my bed

    because in the middle of the night she could do something crazy like bite me.

    and if she sucked my blood, well, then i too would be a creature of the night.

    everything changes in this weird old world.

    one day amy winehouse is singing her songs and the next day shes gone.

    one day you have an amazing bathroom and flowers and mouthwash

    next minute your cats a vampire.

    you should probably kiss the pretty girl in front of you

    eat that extra slice of whatever

    and thank your lucky stars you’re even here right now

    because sooner or later the skinny girls gonna sing.

  5. Tuesday, September 8, 2015

    today’s mary’s birthday, shes 24 

    mary in central parkhow is she still alive?

    how is she not in jail?

    how does she not have like a hundred babies?

    why isnt she on the real housewives of beverly hills?

    mary, like destinys child, is a survivor. she has survived herself and most recently, burning man.

    she sends me outfit-of-the-day pictures from time to time (who doesnt) and theyre always a marvel because she seems to never age.

    she works hard, plays hard, and travels around the wessside like it aint no big thing. so maybe it isnt? she knows fun people and does interesting things all with a dog. how?

    she just gets things done. anyone else would have imploded by now. anyone else’s dog would have made a big giant mess in the bathroom by now.

    but mary carries on.

    any time i dip my toe into an online dating sight or pass by a fortune teller they say why arent you and mary together? and i say let me count the ways.

    im not a rich enough doctor. i live east of lincoln. and after my first girlfriend mary broke my heart ive sworn off marys.

    todays birthday girl is on her way back from burningman, probably in a helicopter,

    she might even be piloting it.

    hopefully she doesnt get bored halfway and put it on autocopter, because there isnt such a thing.

    but even if it crashes she will rise from the ashes with a laugh, a joke

    and smokin hair.

    happy birthday mary!

    see you at the bungalow!

  6. Wednesday, August 26, 2015

    it was Born to Run’s birthday yesterday, it’s 40 

    born to run

    i took a long walk last night for a few reasons. one was because i wanted to rest my hands.

    the other was because uber has hired way too many cars and i didnt get one ride after work.

    so i walked.

    and as i walked i listened to Born To Run on its birthday and was amazed as always.

    im a weirdo. if i love a record i wont play it. i dont want it to get old. i never want to be bored of Born to Run.

    bruuuucehow do you start a record with Thunder Road? hows that even possible? it’s possible if thats your only song. or maybe if you only have two good songs.

    but when all of the songs are ridiculously good and different how you gonna just have a screen door slam as Mary’s dress sways?

    when Tenth Avenue Freeze-Out comes on you realize Thunder Road was just an alley to TAFO’s oop?!


    it was all just an intro for The Big Man?

    no wonder from the coastline to the city all the little pretties raise their hands.

    “Night” i can live without. perfectly fine. and for sure id take it on one of Bruce’s current albums, but what the hell is this Backstreets? probably the most overlooked tune on this record. just as dramatic as any of the others. just as idealistic. just as emotional.

    theres a reason the best Bruce zine back in the day was called Backstreets. fuck.

    side two and there’s Born to Run. a song so iconic and perfect when i listen to it i think about the time i walked past this normal apartment house and its door was open and i could see inside and above the couch was a framed print of the Mona Lisa.

    its like who puts the mona lisa in their house? are they being ironic? is it a beautiful joke? is it the funniest joke in the world?

    how about this for the funniest joke in the world: springsteen was about to be fired from Columbia. his first two records (the wild and the innocent, and greetings from asbury park) were not really flops, but the label were disappointed with their sales. they wanted to give Bruce just

    one. more. chance.

    and that last chance turned out to be the mona lisa: born to run.

    the joke is today labels dont give bands three records. you get one. one and done. theres no vision theres no patience. theres no artist DEVELOPMENT. as much as i love bruce’s first two records, and trust me LOVE is the word, theyre not born to run.

    and that song. holy.

    that song is so strong its almost ashame that something has to follow it. who bats after The Babe?

    big man and bruceGehrig. and in this case that’s She’s The One.

    another anthem. another pleading wolf in the moonlight

    With her long hair falling / And her eyes that shine like a midnight sun

    oooooooooooh ohhhhhhhh shes the one!

    fuck bon jovi.

    bon jovi has no shes the one following no born to run. fucking fakers. yet radio wants to pretend they do.

    but we’re not done. theres still two songs left on this record. the super 70s Meeting Across The River which is basically the origin story of The Sopranos

    and then Jungleland

    it’s almost as interesting to think about how Jungleland ends than to think about what happens in it because it ends like three times. and the whole band is involved, just like how they are through the album.

    its a team effort.

    Meeting is about a dark, solo, borderline evil and definitely illegal venture

    but Jungleland is about a team.

    so as much as we are right to praise Bruce on the 40th birthday of one of music’s finest rock records, we also gotta give it up to the E Street Band for delivering something so mighty and so strong that it makes so much of todays robot music feel as shallow and ridiculous as it is.

    happy birthday Mary and Wendy, Scooter and The Big Man

    it is right for all the little pretties to raise their hands

  7. Sunday, August 16, 2015

    todays bukowski and madonnas birthdays, theyre 24 

    bukowski, madonnahad a good hot weekend. it was hot. like hottern itd been all year.

    slept over the covers with the windows open and the fan twirling and the cats purring and the moon looking down saying it dont look that hot from up heres

    and the earth saying who the hell asked you anyways

    friday ali said what are you up to tonight i said imma see a one woman show. she said no way. i said i know i never do that.

    she said i wanna come. i said fine meet me at my place and we’ll take a lyft over there. she said not an uber?

    i said, its good to keep the competition going.

    the show was The Mermaid who learned how to Fly. kyla garcia. she was incredible. did like 20 different characters. two of them were in love with her. so basically she made out with herself twice.

    once even as a lady.

    it took me a little while to get into it because i dont go to plays. and it was hot. and you have to suspend your belief and just let go. but once you do, it gets fantastic.

    so at first i didnt like her irish narrator fairy lady but as the play went on i kept hoping for her to come back, and when she did i was so happy. also of interest was the narrator was sorta falling apart physically as the play went on. bad back. it was funny. kyla was very surprising.

    after that ali and i went to malo and ate tacos and drank margueritas. im not crazy about that place but its close and they had an outside so we cooled off.

    saturday i ubered a little. hit my goal and then went to the academy to see Straight Outta Compton. it needs to be stated that since that record dropped back when i was in college, NWA and that record have been super important to me.

    so to see it for free in the best theater in LA was incredible.

    ice cube and the fans

    full house. and almost everyone stayed afterwards to hear Ice Cube, his son, the director, a producer, and the dudes who played Dr. Dre and Eazy talk about it.

    ive never seen that many people stay.

    or cheer so many times at the end.

    i give the movie a B+ but i give ice cube an A+ for staying after the talk and taking pictures with everyone who asked. which were hundreds. he didnt care. he soaked it in.

    and the movie won the weekend. making something like $60 million. smash hit of the summer. a movie about black gangsta rappers whose music is not played on the radio. and yet one of the rappers turns into a movie star another tuns into a billionaire and a third dies of AIDS. so freaky.

    xbi texted me when i was still in the theatre. they wanted a favor i said no. they said order an uber and we can help you out.

    tanya and freedai said i didnt need any help. i was happy. i was in great spirits and i wasnt gonna do squat on sunday. they said dont be a dope, order an uber.

    and when i did a toyota avalon appeared with this great reggae singer as a driver

    and two swedish girls in the back

    and the whole trip i thought, theyre gonna kill me, arent they?

    this is how it ends?


    reggae in swedish probably means good bye i thought but no

    id been to sweden and i knew that hej då meant good bye

    or did it mean hello?

    the girls were just laughing at me.

    they kept calling me Chicago.

    hey Chicago, why dont you change your clothes and meet us at the Chateau

    i said how do you say nothing ever good happens to chicagoans

    late at night at the chateau

    in swedish

  8. Wednesday, August 5, 2015

    yesterday was the president of the usa’s bday, he’s 24 


    we probably shouldnt see race in things, i should probably eat better, i should probably go to the gym

    i should probably buy better clothes.

    and i should probably say how happy i am about soul brother number one.

    it is nice to have someone in the white house who

    isnt completely full of shit

    isnt a total fucking knob

    and even if hes spying on us all, every one of us, all the time

    and lying about it

    at least he’s probably looking for actual terrible people

    and cruising right over the typical embarrassing stuff

    like how bad i am at fantasy baseball.

    things i wish he would do more of:

    television speeches

    beer summits

    interviews with howard stern.

    you promised us change.

    anyway, happy birthday!

  9. Monday, August 3, 2015

    today’s the busblog’s birthday, it’s 14 

    i am super grateful to ev and his team for starting blogger way back when.

    i am also very thankful to all of you for coming here all the time to peek into my so called life

    here’s some random blog posts, one from each of the last 14 years, to celebrate this long, strange, trip

    ken layne at his wedding, shows bonnie his ring as Jeanine looks on

    10/25/01 ken and laura get married in baja mexico and we all went down there and it was incredibly magical

    9/1/2002 greg vaine has an art show in frogtown, turns out it’s all portraits of his friends

    Anna Kournikova

    4/11/2003 – anna kournikova was the biggest busblog fan for a little while, then she got boring

    old addy

    11/29/2004 – that time Shepard Fairey said it was ok for me to use one of his images for my second blook and the orders started rolling in. some of them in beautifully hand drawn envelopes

    sammy sosa

    1/31/2005 – sammy sosa, the best Cub in decades gets traded to Baltimore for a bag of beans and a cow

    9/13/2006 – the third month into running LAist i took a road trip around the country, this was an interview with the graveyard manager of the Kum N Go in Iowa

    da bears

    2/4/2007 the bears lose the super bowl, but prince was good

    kyla and tyler in 2008

    11/18/2008 – how to be an uncle to an ornery kid

    may 20, 2009 i was invited to the american idol finale that adam lambert won. it was the first time i ever saw KISS

    8/22/2010 the sunset junction street fair was pretty much the best thing ever

    6/22/2011 andrea asks “Is it always a good idea to listen to your gut? ”

    8/30/2012 Tsar release the video to “Police Station”

    oj helmet

    5/20/2013 xbi said they were sorry for almost killing me, and were wondering if id consult


    2/22/2014 hey tony wanna announce the ucla baseball game in an hour at jackie robinson stadium?

    me and mom at the Oscars

    2/23/15 few things are better than taking your mom to the Oscars

    happy birthday weird ass blog that could

  10. Sunday, August 2, 2015

    ive known these dudes for 27 years?!?!?! 

    chris and robwhen i met chris he weighed 20 pounds more than he does now.

    when i met rob he was a long haired jew. now he’s Indian.

    over the years we’ve gone through a lot and done a lot. and you know i can’t remember us ever being mad at each other

    about anything!

    is that possible?

    how is that possible?

    maybe because we have always allowed each other to be ourselves. over the years you change and we rolled with those changes. why not?

    we never lied to each other or tried to “get” anything from anyone. we’ve been supportive of whatever we’re in to.

    maybe it had something to do with the fact that we liked who we met 27 years ago and that never changed.

    chris was quietly wild. rob was quietly the voice of reason. who knows what my role was, but i was accepted immediately and i loved them for that.

    yesterday was rob’s wife carrie’s birthday. rob and carrie were high school sweethearts. during college they broke up, but after college they got back together and theyve been together ever since. it’s very sweet.

    they have a lovely little boy named ben who was at the party last night at carrie’s mom’s house. the place was all decked out in an Indian theme because why not.


    carrie had a beautiful indian dress and her hands done and jewels on her forehead


    rob was the bartender and dj. it was a perfect party now that i think of it.

    the pool

    there were lights everywhere and beautiful colors. benjamin and his buddy chilled on this pillow next to the pool and once the food was eaten and the belly dancer danced they got in their swim trunks and swam.

    belly dancer

    i never thought about having an Indian themed party before. some of the men dressed the part and pretty much all of the ladies did. the belly dancer was a great touch. as were the fireworks and the food.


    i know i had a good time because i left my wallet by the pool. of course i didnt notice until i got home but i summoned an uber and had it pick it up at the house and drive it from claremont to hollywood.

    fortunately i had a free ride (valued at $20) on my account. the trip cost $55 minus $20. $35 total. i tipped the guy $10 and an hour later i ubered the drunks home to pay it all off.

    full night to say the least.

    happy birthday Carrie!