nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, December 3, 2020

    2020 will probably be the year i’ve blogged here the least 

    let’s list the reasons this was probably the case

    • i wrote a buttload on Los Angeleno
    • pandemics aren’t fun
    • often when i work from offices i’ll blog when im bored
    • any time i had a good idea i’d either write it for work or tweet it
    • i struggled writing for Los Angeleno many nights, so for damn sure i wouldnt blog and take whatever magic was left for this old friend
    • my favorite things to blog about — sports, movies, and concerts — were practically non existant
    • i wrote politics mostly on facebook where others could easily share in the discussion
    • im not the blogger i once was
  2. Saturday, August 29, 2020

    do you know how long ive been doing this? 

    writing to you? whoever you are?

    telling you the news of the day. the thoughts in my head? my dreams my wishes my annoyances?

    when i was in high school i started a diary. it turned into three or four.

    it would have been interesting if this blog was like that:

    “today dawn colvin winked at me. blew my mind.”

    “today the Cubs lost. those bastards!”

    yesterday the Black Panther died.

    people are sad. and they should be. even though he had been struggling with cancer for years, very few knew about it.

    43 years old.

    it makes you wonder about all the other people who are fighting actual fights.

    not just twitter battles.

    not just road rage bickerings.

    not just bad neighbors doing weird parking maneuvers during a pandemic.

    but real life shit.

    shit that would scare the hell out of you if you paid attention.

    i cant stop paying attention.

    im locked in.

  3. Saturday, January 25, 2020

    i wish they could all be like this 

    last week it was decided that we should have an Oscar story or two, so all eyes were on me

    and i thought of how hard it must have been to be the TV show’s main hype man

    i mean there was Oscars So White, EnvelopeGate, Trumpsters hating host Jimble Kimble, there was Kevin Hart struggling between the cardinal rule of comedy (never apologize) and what the Academy asked him to do to remain host, and of course ratings of all tv shows sinking as people cut the cord

    that PR person is an excellent man who no longer has that duty, Steve Rohr.

    so i emailed him and asked him if he wanted to get the treatment, he agreed, and thursday we had lunch.

    thursday night i transcribed it, wrote it, edited it and today it was published to a very warm welcome from the internet.

    why? i think because we weren’t trying to make news or talk out of school, i just wanted people to know about his fascinating gig, and he was finally free to reveal all. plus, who better than someone like me to ask the questions since for years we worked on opposite ends of the same floor?

    i was the right person because on one hand i did know some things, and saw some things, but on the other hand, i was in a different department involved in different assignments and priorities, so i was interested in being educated on certain things myself.

    interviewing Steve reminded me of how in October i talked baseball with Jon Weisman who does publicity for Showtime. both men are so well spoken and clear. you transcribe what they say and it’s just as good as if they wrote and edited it before it came out of their mouths. very inspiring.

    also, both of their memories are astoundingly accurate. names, dates, ages.

    tomorrow im going to the grove to ask people questions. it wont be as easy because theyre strangers, but the good thing about strangers is they are more likely to tell you freakier things because they probably wont ever see them again and you dont know the same people.

    in a turn of the tables, i was the one on the hot seat when Miss604 interviewed me about driving for Uber n Lyft.

    apparently Vancouver has *just* okayed rideshare and she wanted to know what makes a good rider and i told her not just that, but lots of other tips too. so many she had to make it a two-parter.

    part one

    part deux

    rebbecca took this incredible picture of me driving she and keira-anne around beverly hills almost exactly three years ago

    her blog has always been one of my faves and vancouver is lucky that she has kept it rolling.

  4. Monday, December 16, 2019

    youre gonna be criticized in life 

    people arent going to understand you

    and it doesnt matter how well youve done in the past

    or how well youre doing in the present

    jesus walked across water

    and days later his bffs asked

    when can you show us the father

    some people dont like the doors

    some people dont like pink floyd

    some people say trump did nothing wrong

    some people move away from LA and California and never come back

    they hate it.

    so of course, you, suburbs boy, old bald man, super boring dresser, something less than lesser

    is going to run into a few people who do not understand all the crazy ass thinking that you do or have done or have written or have said, and they wont even if you do the magic trick right in front of them over and over and over again.

    it is not their fault. it is not your fault. it is no ones fault.

    no matter what you do or say there will be people who just dont get Pinkerton

    just love them.

    cuz theres shit you’ll never get too.

    we are all in this dark jungle, feeling our way around it

    looking for light.

    listening to clues.

    but we are in this together, for a reason, it’s part of the plan.

    there are no desert islands with a sole palm tree

    and an endless supply of coronas.

    we have each other and we are not clones.

    we are meant to be like this.

  5. Tuesday, September 24, 2019

    ive had writers block, i’ll admit it 

    i want to blame this i wanna blame that. is it procrastination? whats even the difference?

    i had such a great time today driving around south central and hollywood.

    i met the coolest people, thought up cool ideas. learned things. laughed.

    got home and talked with my neighbor on the street in the moonlight as the summer night breeze said whaddup boys!

    now ive got a great story in my phone and in my head and its time to write and i cant i wont but i must.

    the clock keeps ticking. this is my life now. ive gotta get it down. i wanna get it down. 12 years ago i did these one after another and they just flowed. but now it’s harder.

    do i need an assistant? do i need a muse? am i capable of fighting this alone? can i succeed?

    are these even things black folks are allowed to ask? i feel like we have to have the answers and even if we dont we have to getter done. we are not allowed excuses or reasons or issues or struggles. we have to be jackie robinson and muhammed ali or obama

    we just have to do it michael jordan

    which is sorta nice, because chicken exits are lame.

    so fine, i’ll end this whine

  6. Monday, September 9, 2019

    the first rule of blogging is to blog 

    but its been hot girls summer and i just needed to live a little before the rocket launches

    but now murphys law now ambers sick.

    i was gonna take her to san dieger because the cubs are down there

    but now those plans are canceled

    the curse of the 619

    tomorrow im being interviewed for a documentary.

    these sorts of things happen all the time.

    heres the catch about journalists bloggers, people who like to talk to other people

    often theyre the worst interviewees

    as in most thing, i’ll try not to suck.


  7. Wednesday, July 10, 2019

    im most grateful for the ideas 

    a long time ago i was in a poetry writing class at my university

    it was a trick class because the credits did not count for any requirement in letters & science

    even though it was a letters & science class.

    you took it because you wanted to

    and that was all.

    the trick though, is it was taught by the most popular writing teacher in

    the mysterious college of creative studies

    a place where if you could somehow get in, it would bless you with

    the unimaginable gift

    of no grades, no tests, no finals.

    but none of us who took this class knew that.

    at least i sure didnt.

    none of us knew that this teacher was the key to that incredible world.

    incredible, in part, because everyone in that college was super talented

    in art or music or math or words.

    one of the things this teacher did was she required each student to meet with her privately

    twice that quarter, after class, for about an hour.

    weird, but ok, whatever.

    upon my first visit she asked how i liked class, and i said i liked it.

    we went over some of the poems id written and after that i said

    hey i have a 13 page epic love poem id like to ask you about because im having

    a hard time finishing it.

    and i gave it to her and we read it and the next time that we had a meeting

    she was asking me if i would be interested in transferring from letters and science

    to go to the college of creative studies.

    little did i know it was a trick question.

    because it tricked me into believing i could do it.

    which i did.

    one of the things i asked her that pivotal afternoon was something that i remember even now,

    centuries later

    i said, robyn, obviously you know a few things about creativity,

    as that is the college you teach at, and also attended,

    i am really afraid that the ideas will stop one day.

    will they?

    and she said:


    and she aint never lied

  8. Saturday, April 20, 2019

    how to write when yr young 

    About once a year i get asked to speak to college kids and it’s terribly flattering but am i really the best person for them to listen to?

    If I was someone in his right mind I’d say, be as Robinson Crusoe’s dad told him to be and be as mediocre as fuck.

    “[The] middle station has the fewest disasters and is not exposed to so many vicissitudes as the higher or lower part of mankind,” the senior Crusoe said.

    Vicissitudes of course being “a change of circumstances or fortune, typically one that is unwelcome or unpleasant.”

    I will be speaking to upper division storytellers and journalists, so i will remind them what i was taught at their age in the College of Creative Studies about what makes a good story:

    introduce likable characters that the reader cannot help but fall in love with and then fuck them over royally and watch them overcome the disaster(s).

    Therefore in good storytelling there is nothing more central than a big fat vicissitude

    so how on Earth do you think you can write from experience about tragedy, misfortune, and struggle, unless you have found yourself head first into some shitty shit yourselves?

    Which is why I advise all of you to ignore Mr. Crusoe’s well-intentioned instruction (if you truly want to be writers), and avoid the middle path entirely as that is where there is little reward. And if you have noticed not one person ever wrote the story about the Senior Crusoe, the first novel ever was written about his wild son and the crazy shit he experienced when he ran away from his family who wanted him to be a dumb lawyer.

    Which brings us to you, I will say.

    You are young, the world is out to get you. There’s global warming that half the politicians won’t even talk about. Homelessness, especially here in Southern California is crazy. Gas is over $4 a gallon. We won’t even talk about how many banks you gotta rob to buy a house here.

    And the debt that you are racking up every minute, hour, and day in this college is more crippling than you know. How do I know this? Because if you really let it sink in, none of you would be smiling. You’d be angry. You’d be nervous. And for damn sure you wouldn’t be studying to be journalists — you’d be in Pre-Med or Pre-Law or Pre-420.

    But you’re here, I will continue. Which means that like me, you are idealists, which means your life is forever fucked. Because you think you are the exception. You think you can change the world. You think that Robert Frost was right when he chose the road untaken.

    So continue to take it.

    Take it and write about every step. And if you aren’t writing every day now, start.

    Let me tell you the good news and bad news about writing and creativity and aging: Right now. RIGHT NOW you are a fountain of ideas and a wellspring of good shit. The problem is very little of it fits into what adults have considered “correct” in school. And so every time you write something super interesting in class that breaks the mold or colors outside the lines, you will not get an A and anything less than an A is a ding to our egos and subconsciously tells us that we have failed somehow. Of course you didn’t write that sentence perfectly. Of course you’re rough around the edges. Most of you were born post 9/11. WTF! You’re babies.

    You think it sucks when you don’t get as many likes on your Instagram as you expected? Your whole life teachers have been teaching you how to get likes and since you’ve made it into this fine institution you have figured out how to get enough of them in class, but let’s be real few of us are straight A students and to that I say Good.

    We all know the key to being really successful at school: it is to give the teacher in front of you precisely what he or she wants. That, by the way, is the polar opposite of what it means to be creative, interesting, or Robinson Crusoe. Name me one book about a kid who did exactly what his teacher wanted. Now show me one person who wants to read that?  Not even my fucking Siri obeys my every wish and you know what, good for her.

    For about 10 years you will be filled with all the energy and weird ideas in that beautifully developing mind that you have now and if you do not write it down, especially now that I have warned you, you are dumb. And I know you aren’t dumb because I have been in this class before and this is not the room for the dummies.

    “Oh, but you say, you’re in your 50s and you seem incredible.” True! But the only reason I’m as fucking rad as I am today is because i have been writing down my insane shit forever. That’s the only way to keep that oil well working through your 40s. And trust me, it will be in your 40s that you will need it the most because if you think shit’s bad now, just wait until all the peers that you hate start making their way into Congress.

    But back to youth. Think about all the great rock stars. Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix, the Stones, even the rap stars like Kanye and Eminem and current stars like Taylor Swift and Billie Eilish: all their great stuff was when they were young.

    I dare you to tell me that “Reputation” was better than “Fearless”. Or that “Yeezus” was better than “College Dropout.”

    Prince wrote (and performed) Purple Rain when he was 25 years old. Sure he wrote some good stuff when he was 45, but it sure wasn’t Purple Rain. AND THAT’S PRINCE!

    Which is weird because wouldn’t it make more sense that once you have truly mastered your instrument you would be better and better? Shouldn’t Eddie Van Halen at 64 be a better guitar player than he was in his 20s? Yes. But he’s not. Neither are the guys in Led Zeppelin. Neither is Ice Cube or Jay Z or this one that one. And these are people who practiced getting their flow out!

    Age grabs you when you aren’t looking and throws you on the rocks like Robinson’s many shipwrecks and leaves you on an island of hungry hungry cannibals.

    So please do not sleep through your youth, writers. This is your time. There is something about having your first kiss in your first apartment with the prettiest girl you ever saw — especially if you are also a girl. Youth is the gasoline for the bonfire of creativity and even though I am the exception to that rule too, I am telling you from my heart, it doesn’t last forever. It’s noon and I already wanna take a nap.

    So promise me this. Promise me that tonight when you get home. Before you get too tired. And preferably before the sun goes down: start a blog on blogger.com. Do not tell anybody about it, make it private, and write the scariest story you have to tell.

    Scary not Friday the 13th, but scary like you have not told anyone this story except maybe maybe maybe your best friend in life. Embarrassing. Or Thrilling. Or something that you might consider bragging. And then tomorrow write the second scariest story, and every day keep pushing your comfort zone. Keep digging deeper. Change your style slightly every day and write from different perspectives. Make the shit rhyme. Fill it up with ridiculous lies and unexpected details. Like Tolstoy, get into the minds of the characters and tell us what they’re thinking. And if you’re super cool, don’t tell, show.

    And continue to experiment all the damn time.

    You are not being graded on this. No one is reading this. But if you keep it up and at the end of this year you have 100 little stories and you’re 20 or 21 years old, I promise you that when you are 40 you will love the fact that you got these out of your head and into that private little crazy blog. These will be priceless to you. And then do it again every year of your life.

    There will only be one thing stopping you. The devil is real and he lives in your head. Rent free! He tells you that you can’t write and that this story is stupid and it’s boring and you’re gonna get in trouble and blah blah blah. Put on an anti-devil hat. I am wearing mine. It’s a Cubs hat. When I put it on and I hear the devil I say, shhhh, the hat is on. STFU. You can talk when it’s off.

    And then write. Even if you, too, are the exception to the rule, and even if you do this for 50 years, I bet you that the stories that you write from age 20 to 30 will be your best ones. I know this because – and there are exceptions – but that’s what history has shown us. In our youth we kick ass. Ironically it is also in our youth that teachers are paid to put a grade on our art and try to shame us and force us into the middle path of bullshit and soullessness, which is insane and criminal, but it is what it is.

    My generation legalized weed, maybe yours can outlaw grades.

    I have one more bit of advice on how to write when you are young: do it during the daytime. The younger you are and the further away you live from your parents’ rules, the more you should be doing anything else except homework at dark. For in the dark, when you are young, is where your stories will most likely come from. And aint nobody wanna read a novel about someone cramming for fucking finals — at a State School.

    If it’s light out: study. If it’s dark out: party. Say no to drugs, don’t drink and drive. And stop listening to terrible fucking music.

    I will now entertain questions.

  9. Tuesday, January 29, 2019


    as you may know, i run the worlds best howard stern facebook group.

    one of the things that im constantly debtating about is deleting posts that whine that howard isnt the same howard as he was when he was throwing baloney on the asses of strippers or yelling at the FCC or having women sit on a giant vibrating… well… device.

    the same could be said about this blog or me or you or anything. shit changes. get over it.

    i am so blessed that i was invited to be part of the college of creative studies when i was a lad because creativity has been top of my mind for a long time. and especially the dynamic of how creativity changes as we age.

    in music it seems like most artists have a spurt of creativity when they’re young and it dissipates as they get older. listen to Bruce Springsteen’s first three records compared to his last three and a lot of the experimentation is long gone and Bruce is far from the only example of this happening. indeed there seems to be only a few exceptions to this rule

    tom waits, bob dylan, and neil young.

    in rap it seems like only kanye continues to push his own boundaries in dramatic ways but i could be wrong i dont know a lot of hip hop. but lets bring it back to the busblog.

    i know i dont experiment here as i used to. i dont for a million reasons including the fact that i just dont care any more. in the day when blogging was poppin and i would get millions of readers and 40-50 comments on every post i felt like the only way i could compete with alllll the other blogs in the world was to do Anything i could to stay relevant and interesting and vibrant.

    now i am one of the last blogs that does this almost every day.

    so who cares if i do something interesting or “new”, who’s gonna read it?

    and in a way i dont want that many people reading it (murphys law, catch 22) because i dont want to be misunderstood and have that affect my livelihood. its all very complicated.

    now back to howard. im sure at 65 years old theres part of him that wouldnt mind throwing a slice of luncheon meat at someone from time to time, but i think he’s gotten that out of his system. and if he does it now people will complain and say he has run out of ideas. you can never win.

    but you can.

    you win by doing. you win by going to work every day (or in his case 3x a week) and putting out a show and relating to people and connecting to people and doing the damn thing. dancing with the one you brung ya.

    last night i was reading about HBO and how now that they are owned by AT&T have all this extra money and they wanna compete with Netflix. and i thought maybe i should try to work with someone to bring Howard a Charlie Rose type interview show thats just a big round table and Howard and a guest. Letterman did a short version of this for Netflix, but America knows Dave as a great interviewer, not everyone knows that Howard is even better.

    and i thought, someone has probably tried to get howard to do it but for whatever reason thats not his thing. what is his thing? painting? he loves to paint. so maybe get howard to interview great artists for a month. then the next month SNL alumns. then musicians. it could be a whole thing that compliments his work on radio.

    so the question is, do i know a producer who could help me with this?

    the answer is. yes i probably do.

  10. Tuesday, December 25, 2018

    im full from Christmas 

    but im glad it’s over. so much stress. not enough religion.

    theres a bunch of stuff i gotta do.

    one is get my car detailed. ive had it for years and maybe 1,000 people have been in it, and i need it properly cleaned out.

    it’s gross even thinking about it.

    next i need to be a better shoulder to cry on for amber. im always fixing problems she tells me and i need to be more of a listener.

    it’s almost impossible for me not to try to fix things though. so it will be interesting to see if i can do it.

    i also want to read more shakespeare. when dickens was acted out at church the other day, i was in awe of his use of words.

    so what i wanna do with shakespeare is watch a play a week and read along on my ipad from one of the plays i can download from the LA Public Library.

    i remember loving shakespeare in college, but let’s be real, that was a long time ago. id love to watch his top 30 plays by this time next year.

    and i always say this but i want to blog more. this year produced the fewest amount of posts of any year of the busblog. i was super busy. i am super busy. but whatever thats a lame excuse.

    kids in africa would love a blog. i will blog. they will be weirder than usual though because i think one reason i have slowed down is im nervous that people will think im weird if the weird stuff comes out

    but two things: im not that weird, and people love weird. let em have it.