nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, January 28, 2016

    sometimes you might feel like climbing the shit house 

    and sometimes you might feel like walking on top of said houses

    and sometimes you might feel like

    you know what,

    i really should just totally jump

    no matter what they say about white men and jumping.

    and at that point you should probably ask yourself

    have i ever jumped off a shit house before?

    this is a lesson i want to put on a tshirt

    have i ever jumped off a shit house before?

    but something tells me if there was a tshirt that said that

    this dude woulda had it

    and woulda worn it when he jumped.

  2. Saturday, January 23, 2016

    im clogged up 

    michael jacksoni have to write some things but theres a blockage

    two weekends in a row i just wanted to stay in bed and not do anything

    dont wanna uber, dont wanna write, dont wanna change the world, dont wanna text this pretty girl and take her to mcdonalds, dont wanna see rock music at the echoplex

    dont wanna see movies at the theater

    dont wanna do the thing that’ll make me a little extra on the side

    dont wanna do laundry dont wanna put things up on sals wall dont wanna read books

    dont wanna play nba2k2016

    i barely wanna go to the kitchen and crack open another mexicoke, but a mans gotta breathe

    today i watched the doc about all those kids who lived in an apartment in the LES and never left

    The Wolfpack

    then i watched the doc about Keith Richards where he travels the world and sheds new light on blues, country, and rockabilly

    i didnt know how much my man tom waits was gonna be in there.

    it was good but not as good as The Wolfpack which was bizarre and beautiful and shed a light on the human condition and how tick tock it wont stop. how if you stick us in a closet we’ll turn into psychedelic mushrooms and the longer we’re in there the more potent we will be.

    these kids love movies so much i wish i could send them all of my dvds that i dont watch any more.

    they taught me i should wear suits more and trench coats.

    hard not to respect a man in a suit and a trench coat.

    and then give them the benefit of the doubt.

    who doesnt want the benefit of the doubt.

  3. Tuesday, December 29, 2015

    the clock says it’s time to go… now… 

    lemmyi’m doing this new thing to motivate myself away from the computer during this Christmas vacation.

    when i wake up i take the charger off the macbook and when the battery runs out it’s time to go outside and see what LA has to offer.

    right now it’s at 10% but it’s draining fast because i have a video of Los Lobos playing with Jerry Garcia in the background. a little tune you may have heard “La Bamba”  in 86.

    there was a time when i would wake up early and uber all day and all night. those days are over. i pick and choose.

    my hands and arms were in such pain this year that i had to buy all these lotions and salves. none of it worked. i sacrificed a goat (its always the goats). didnt work. then i tried driving less. that didnt work.

    i tried heavy breathing, extra tacos, sex with women(!), positive thinking. nothing.

    and then i threw money at the problem: i bought a variety of compression gloves and arm sleeves and holy cow it worked and my hands and arms are better than ever.

    but i never want to abuse them again because theyre my money maker. theyre whats letting me tell you right now that i love you. theyre whats letting me tell you that we’re already at 6 per cent with a bullet. theyre what lets me wipe the poop from my crack after i take a dump. imagine you couldnt do that. imagine you needed to make a robot to do that for you.

    but how you gonna build a poop cleaning robot when you aint got no hands or arms that work because you drove all night like springsteen

    through the wind, through the rain,

    the snow, the wind,

    the rain

    hearrrrrrt and soul

    no robot poop machines gonna do nothing for you the way i can.

    even with one hand writhing in pain,

    like what most of 15 was for me.

    but thats all in the rear view now.

    3 per cent

    holy cow.

  4. Friday, December 25, 2015

    dear world famous busblog 

    adelei must apologize to you. this has been the least prolific year on this fine blog… since last year.

    the trend is super sad. for years this blog averaged between 700 to over 900 posts a year.

    last year it sunk to a measly 586 and this year it looks like it wont even break 500.


    we know what the easy excuse is: uber. back in the day a man would write a little something before work, then write something during his lunch break, and then write something magnificent once he made it home. but now i go out to lunch almost every day at work (expensive in the long run, but enjoyable) and then uber after work for a couple hours. once i get home im pooped.

    yes too pooped to write. too pooped to tell you my dreams and accomplishments. too pooped to tell you about my sorrows and tribulations. too pooped to create the incredibleness people have come to expect from this url.

    which is ironic because if you ax me, the best stories ive told over the last few years on this page have been about all the interesting people ive met and the crazy ish ive seen.

    so heres my pre-new years resoulution to you, my dear blog of magic: theres 365 days in a year (give or take) if i blog twice a day every day thats well over the pathetic 500 posts ive typed this year. so two a day is all we ask. every day. like a real blogger. like who i used to be. like who i can be.

    and unlike in other years, one will be nuts and bolts what i did. the second will be some weirdness. because as i sat around all day today watching movies and tv shows and video games, i realized that the weirder something is the more i like it and this blog has turned less than weird, which is sad because since only a fraction of people read this compared to what it used to be, that should open up more avenues for experimentation.


  5. Wednesday, December 2, 2015

    theres a lot of things that will make me fall in love with you 

    the pants the replacementsthe easiest way is if you keep a good blog.

    ten years ago this december i took a road trip up to canada to see mr matthew good

    along the way i got an email from a blogger who i admired who went by the name of The Pants.

    she was probably the best blogger in the USA at the time. her prose was bukowski-like, her aggression, her pain, her creativity, and her humor was all right on the mark.

    she lived a sort of white trash lifestyle that was full of a unique glamor that you couldnt put your finger on. but i wanted to see if i could. so unlike many invitations that i get to meet people from my blog, i accepted hers. so after a stop in umpqua i journeyed to her home in tacoma and instantly fell for her. it started with her cd collection. did she really have three replacements cds? marry me. right now. put on some pants and marry me.

    she was funny. she was beautiful. but what she really wanted to do was get drunk and sing karaoke at a club that once kicked out an early incarnation of Nirvana. lord knows i cant sing but i can drink and drink we did. so much so that i puked before we got in the cab back to her place.

    the pantsshe lived in a house with some other people. but she had the best room. it was on the top floor in what appeared to be the attic.

    there was a vacuum cleaner at the foot of the bed. i assumed that she had vacuumed the carpet so i could have a clean place to sleep. but luck was with me and she took off her shirt and revealed a colorful bra and the palest skin.

    another way to make me fall in love is to have the palest skin while telling me i wasnt going to have to sleep on the floor.

    i believe the cure played as we fell asleep and i thought to myself, blogging is the greatest thing in the entire world and i will never stop doing it because where else can you just travel around and listen to the best music and learn about foreign towns and meet the coolest people and sometimes theyre secretly beautiful. so what if theyre a little wacky. im a lot wacky.

    and in the morning i woke up and she woke up and we went to jack in the box and had breakfast and then i drove to canada and had sushi for the first time ever. which i didnt fall in love with immediately, like i did with the pants.

    update: im being reminded i did not take her to the jack n the box in the morning, indeed i ate there alone at lunch and wrote this blog post

  6. Friday, November 13, 2015

    it’s been 47 days since Zulieka has posted on her blog 


    heres the problem with life: it’s fleeting.

    the older we get the faster it goes and then justlikethat it’s gone.

    did we learn anything? what was life like? all those things become folklore unless we, writers,

    which is all of us,

    write it down in as much detail or fiction as we can.

    today in paris, for example, future readers, terrorists went to a

    Eagles of Death Metal concert

    shot up the place and bombed it and a few other places

    suicide bombed, to be specific, and over 100 people died.

    on friday the 13th.

    same day beautiful zulieka, out in whereever she is decided, nope this isnt the day i write again.

    you know how many stories shes got?

    writes 20 times better than me, and always has this hint of sensuality about it.

    pariswho doesnt want that every damn day?

    bloggers need to be blogging the same way firemen need to pull up those big pants.

    we’re volunteer firemen, doing it for the people.

    and the people wave and thank us and bring us milk for some reason

    and buy our calendars at the Hallmark store in the mall.

    zulieka is everyones favorite fireman.

    she cant not do her thing.

    nobody can replace her.

    todays neil youngs birthday.

    the millennials, wheres their neil young? gen y didnt have any and the millennials give us none neither.

    sometimes the generations behind you cannot replace you and theres this terrible void

    write it down.

    it doesnt matter that no one is reading it or commenting or sharing it on facebook

    almost all of the best writers of olden times were losers

    but when that shit got to cable suddenly everyone loved it.

    who knows why? no one.

    it happened to pinkerton. at first everyone was all meh

    then a year later they were like omg.

    time takes time, ringo.

    but first you have to have something out there for time to do something with.

    but the good news is, the older we get the faster time goes.

    so make it baby, and put it out there.

  7. Wednesday, September 23, 2015

    on this day on the busblog 

    springsteen on the sunset strip

    2001: me and this girl i work with were talking about True Hollywood Stories. We edit the closed-captions so that the deaf, hearing-impared, and hotties working out in the gym can keep up with the daliances of the famous. my co-worker said the other day, “you know you have a rough life when it’s only the year 2000 and your THS is only half-way done.”

    2002: a gaggle of cheerleaders bum rushed my back door as I was taking out the trash last night to my surprise. they had picnic baskets with tasty foods, thermoses full of tangy fruit drinks and wines, bales of hay and trick ropes for entertainment, and of course pom-poms and silly string and ecstasy and chewing gum.

    2003: jlo and ben got hitched in georgia my space watch tells me and i gave it the tivo triple red thumbs down cuz i dont care about that sort of news cuz i would make a far better beau to jlo than benlow, i wouldnt go to any damn strip clubs unless i was a judge at the jlo lookalike stripalike contest and one day there will be a wishingwell and there will be a penny and there wil be a dream and there will be a toss and it will flip in the air fly through the sky splash in the pond and sparkle my eye and everything will fall in place and she will see my face and not look away but instead say stay.

    2004: i am going to the pixies concert in about 20 minutes. it should last a few hours. when i come home i want you to be there. i will make sure that i am alone.

    2005: Its fine filmmaking, great writing, interesting characters, and best of all, some of the scariest eviliest bad guys you’ll ever run across. They rape you, kill you, eat you, and then sew your skin onto their clothes.

    2006: its 229pm im hungover. im still in yesterdays clothes. pitt was nice enough to let me crash at his pad last night. the best thing is i got to sleep on a regulation canadian army cot. i knew id sleep well on it but i didnt know id sleep THAT great. i had vivid beautiful dreams that nearly compared to the vivid beautiful reality of last night starring two chinese twins who covered their mouths as they laughed to my dirty jokes.

    2007: 17. I pretty much hate any picture I’m in.
    18. I love writing every day because I once had a teacher that said that noone can write well every day.
    19. I’ve met a lot of wonderful amazing people, but no one as great as my mom.

    the actual homepage of the LA Times

    2008: we at the Times are thrilled and still a little stunned that out of 100 million blogs we have one in the technorati top 100, meanwhile those little kitties are still mopping the floor with us no matter how much marketing, no matter how much support, no matter what we cover, no matter how great our writers are. that frigging kitteh blog is just lulzing its way to teh banks.

    2009: had a great night last night, great flight, great dinner. but first lets review some of the chicago trip through the magic of photographs:

    2010: the winner of the cuteness award goes to the puppy

    2011: who the hell are we to even call ourselves “americans”. south americans dont call themselves that, central americans dont either, and our fellow north americans – the canadians – sure as hell dont have the gall neither.

    2012: Billie Joe gets pissed off at the iHeart Radio concert, swears, smashes guitar and then goes to rehab

    2013: for a very long time i had a bruce springsteen poster over my bed.

    2014: twenty years ago today i saw Pulp Fiction on opening night with stacy goodner

  8. Thursday, September 10, 2015

    my computer is decorated by tiny images from shepard fairey 

    nothing in here is  true

    i got a discount code from one of those companies that makes laptop covers

    which are really just huge stickers

    that go over the front of your macbook and i didnt know which one i wanted

    and i had this zip file of all of these obey giant images and posters

    and somehow i just lined them all up in photoshop

    and the company accepted it and there you have it.

    the little sticker you see that says On Central is a blog we had at KPCC

    that was all about central avenue in south LA that used to be the Beale Street of this city

    but has changed a great deal over the years.

    one of the reasons i joined KPCC as their blog editor was because they had a blog about downtown

    and one about south central

    two blogs i was trying to launch at the Times but it never happened.

    life is a very bizarre gumbo pot of weirdness.

    be careful, you might burn your tongue.

  9. Monday, August 31, 2015

    a million years ago today Greg Vaine had an art show 

    portrait by greg vaine

    i wanna do something on Medium. why not.

    im thinking about putting old busblog posts on there. because no one else is.

    i feel like i have 90% crud on this blog, which means 10% is halfway decent so why not repackage it like they do in box sets.

    plus millions of people havent even ever heard of this thing so why not let them see it in a different frame.

    so i was thinking about making a blog that is What Happened Today in the Past on the Busblog.

    so i went back in the archives and the first thing i saw was a link to this photo essay of me chris and jeanine going to Greg’s art show where he had painted, among other things, a bunch of portraits of a few of his friends.

    i was (and am) so honored that he chose me to be one of his subjects. i remember sitting for him for hours as he got my afro just right. then he painted.

    i remember that being a really great day. it was so nice to hang with all of our friends. we’ve known each other for so long, it’s nuts. and theyre all so talented.

    im not sure how medium would take it. old stuff? from a not famous dude? and so much of it is dirty lies? would it work? would it translate?

    shouldnt i just trudge on into the future? shouldnt i try to write smart essays like all the other ppl on that thing?

    who knows. no one knows. the web was just a blank canvas that al gore laid out for us and porn got thrown on there and then ebay and now pretty much anything you ever wanted is on there, but mostly cats.

    time to shave my head and start the work week.

  10. Tuesday, May 19, 2015

    maybe blogging isnt for anyone 

    zuliekai used to think that blogging was for everyone. everybody has dreams and ideas and interesting lives.

    after a while i thought, well thats all true, but not everyone is interested in telling the world about their lives. and dreams and insights and fears and concerts they went to and what its like to be a mom or a dad or an xbi agent

    or a former xbi agent.

    but as time goes on we all realize, we being bloggers of course, we begin to see that blogging isnt a sprint or a marathon, it’s a life sentence.

    marathons end after a few hours. but blogging never ends. you just keep typing keep writing keep telling the world veiled little wisps of secrets.

    and when youre a pillar of your community or when you have a good job that you wanna keep, the best bet is to keep your fool mouth shut.

    especially if youre zulieka, the sexiest blogger there ever was.

    she came into our lives mostly naked both physically and romantically. she even had a nude blog header of her shapely back and backside right there on the top of her site.

    and then what she wrote was equally revealing. and sensual and delightful. everyone wished they could write like her. myself included. top of the list.

    today i was notified by mr. 5chw4r7z that zulieka had let her domain expire. which doesnt mean the end. but it’s a good start to the end.

    blogging isnt easy. even for me. maybe its easy for raymi, maybe thats it. welch. xTx. maybe thats it. hell matt at metafilter even threw in the towel this year and he wasnt even blogging, per se over there.

    it can be a grind if youre doing it right. it can be scary. you have to use your inside voice more than you’d like to, which is why i have recommended secret blogs for so long.


    and that is the sloppy french kiss of death.

    so rest in peace zulieka dot com

    for so many years my favorite among favorites.