nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, December 29, 2016

    people have been offering me things 

    ways to get out in the public more.

    one nice person wants me to MC his wedding.

    another nice person wants to host a weekly thing where i interview people at his home.

    a podcast of sorts, but it would have a studio audience.

    very flattering, all of this.

    except i have an idea for a disgusting comic book, and i would like to write it first.

    it would be educational, and exactly the thing Schools would love to have:

    modern, funny, real, mostly true.

    except the illustrations and dialogue are going to be of an adult manner.

    this way children will sneak around their house, searching to find the hiding places

    where their parents tucked away these mildly pornographic

    glimpses into the history of the world

    and secretly learn their lil hearts out.

  2. Sunday, December 18, 2016

    im trying to write a comic book 

    but i dont read comic books

    i really want it to be a little book for tourists and locals.

    i want it to be a series of little books

    $6.66 each


    but i want them to tell the dark history of LA and Hollywood and California and rock music and film

    and murduhhhhhhhhhh

    and attempted murder

    and i want them sold where the drama took place

    so lets say i write a little book about the murder of Biggie Smalls, i want the little books to be sold at the Peterson Auto Museum, who will never sell them, so how about at the 99 cents store kitty corner to where he breathed his last breath.

    i want them illustrated by my favorite illustrator of all time. someone who enjoys putting a smile on misery and tragedy and gunk.

    so that part is all easy. the hard part is writing it. but fortunately these will be Mostly True which means i get to fluff it up a bit and add some color to it which hopefully people will like but you know people, they like to complain, so let them complain, all it will do is make them bring more facts to the conversation, which is great, because thats what i want them to do. i want them to talk about history and what really caused someone to wanna kill someone in this beautiful city

    because i cant imagine that.

    even in the middle of the night, when a mouse was in my house and i was freaked out enough by that, and i was washing my dishes trying to make my apartment as mouse-unfriendly as possible, and i heard this knock at my door. and then a huge bang. and then the door get whaled on. i could see it trying to give. someone was trying to get into my place! NOW! BANG! BANG!

    even then, as scared as i was, if i had a gun i wouldnt have killed the guy.

    instead i just used my magical Shout power and i said NO!

    and it scared the guy and made him run away.

    which is why im fascinated by what it takes to get people to do more than that.

    because that level is foreign to me.

    and hopefully always will be.

  3. Tuesday, January 12, 2016

    i have a lot of books. dont read any of them. 

    YaLlgMhthey look good on my shelves.

    the ladies think im smart.

    the crooks never know which ones have cash in them.

    im sure many of them are good, especially the ones written by my friends.

    but come on, people.

    hows a man in 2016 supposed to work two jobs, binge watch television, blog, keep up with current events

    go to concerts

    date east side super models

    participate in several fantasy sports leagues, and create something cool for the LAist, which by the way will start poppin sooner than later so hang in there.

    hows a brother supposed to do all of those things AND read all the books in his many mansions?

    heres what i suspect my life will be like after i win the powerball. i suspect i’ll be doing more traveling and less driving. and on those trips i will read more books.

    especially in those planes where they let you lay down in yr cocoon.

    and poolside

    and oceanside

    and beachside.

    i had to wake up at 6am this morning to work. today will be interesting.

  4. Tuesday, December 8, 2015

    people offer to do things with me and im all omg that sounds exhausting 

    internet explorerthings that when i was a younger man i would not have believed that they are true.

    outrageous activities fall in several categories:

    – things that make me feel better about myself

    – things other people might think, damn tony is so cool

    – things that would make me rich

    – things that would look great on instagram

    – things that would help me grow spiritually

    – things that would help me discover my place in society

    – things involving rihanna

    – things that involve dressing up in uncomfortable clothes

    at this stage of my life the only things that i want to do are things involving rihanna, as i know that all of the other things, to me, at least, are various levels of bs that have no real meaning in the grand scheme of things.

    spirituality, like love, hit you when you’re not trying. like good poops they cant be forced.

    and everything else are the things of frat boys, thus worthless.

    this weekend i got to hang out a little with my friends and that was better than all of the likes on instagram and all of the fan letters from cheerleaders and all of the tea in china.

    i used to think i wanted to write books but for what reason? usually the reasons were pure like

    “i have the best title for a book, now ive gotta fill up 111 pages with something.”

    or “it’s christmas, lemme make something great for my friends. i know: a book!”

    but nowadays the only book i would make for them would be so filthy theyd have to hide it from their adorable kids, and thats not a nice thing to make to honor the birth of the baby messiah.

    i probably need to go to europe soon to reevaluate and recalibrate. maybe afrique. maybe japan.

    prob with japan is i dont think i could sleep very well there.

    maybe i just need a massage and some soul food

    with rihanna.

  5. Wednesday, November 11, 2015
  6. Monday, July 20, 2015

    i am hurt, i am hurting, but it’s ok 

    white onlymy fingers, my wrists, even my back is all

    notice us, notice us, notice us.

    i put icy hot on my hands and arms, i have these great elastic sleeves i put on my arms

    but i lost one because im a slob.

    so i just alternate the one back and forth like a hobo.

    it only hurts when i drive which is sad because as you know i love driving.

    maybe i need a back support dealie. maybe i need under armour. maybe i need new arms.

    my cigarette lighter doesnt work any more. youd think the cigarette lighter in a mercedes would never break. its the thing that charges my cell phone as im driving.

    gas prices here in LA are at record highs.

    basically the entire universe is telling me not to drive but who’s going to be keira-anne’s tour guide.

    i can tour guide for tops three days a year and then i get burned out.

    on paper i could write the most amazing tour book about LA but not only dont i want to but it would be bizarre, filled mostly with various fast food establishments

    places to buy bukowski books

    and every movie theater and former record store in town.

    fine, i’ll write it.

  7. Thursday, April 23, 2015

    thinking about writing a new book 

    oh shit was that today

    about all the girls i made out with.

    the first time i made out with them.

    but i’ll change all their names.

    and change all the places.

    but keep the music we were listening to.

    or the music that was going through my head.

    bestseller, bitch.

  8. Monday, March 2, 2015

    today xTx came out with another book 

    xtxher last book was the best book i read that year

    so im sure this book will be the best book i read this year, which is why i bought it

    and why you should too.

    xTx is like quentin tarantino of writing stuff down, it’s at times brutal, and often beautiful.

    there are very few people who i think, i might never write as good as them,

    xTx is at the top of that list, and i heart her for that because i know she must practice a lot.

    she inspires me to keep blogging and maybe one day write another book, not so that i can compete with her but so i can break out of whatever shell the devil has convinced me to walk into.

    the good Lord wants us to write. that was the message ive gotten from xTx’s stories. He wants us to write because when we do we show the world that even though we look like the typical next door neighbor, we are filled with amazing insights and fascinating lies.

    we remind the world that the world is more than the world. it’s four dimentional

    the fourth wall being a waterbed

    and it’s heated.

    xTx reminds us that the days are going to pass anyhow, may as well be working on something, particularly something interesting and powerful. i ordered her book this afternoon and it was the easiest purchase i made next to buying kitty litter: it’s an of course.

    very few things in life are like that that doesnt involve poop.

  9. Tuesday, September 9, 2014

    about ten years ago i wrote a book called Stiff 

    leah reading stiffi dont know how.

    i know i did most of it day by day at a job i didnt like.

    but now that i look back i dont know how that came out of me.

    i know i was broke and i wanted to be able to sell something at Christmas.

    i also know i felt stifled creatively. and i wanted to impress a girl. or three.

    maybe i felt like a bird in a tree at night

    look at me look at me look at me.

    it was nice that i had a big audience for the busblog at that point because without one it also probably wouldnta happened.

    and it was good that i didnt care if i got fired from my job for having such weird ideas concepts and quotes.

    im sure my boss, who hated me, was reading it, and maybe that helped a little too.

    so i guess it worked because of all of those little factors all combined into the perfect storm.

    so maybe it’s weirder that there hasnt been a perfect storm in over a decade.

    i dont care what chicks think. i do care what my bosses think. and i dont feel stifled.

    i dont even know what book id make now if i could. despite the fact that i have ten years more of experience under my belt.

    weirdly it would probably be about etienne. a girl i hope i never see again.

  10. Wednesday, July 23, 2014

    to dare too confidently or not dare at all? that is the question 

    vivian leigh in twelfth night

    Sir John Gielgud directed the play of Twelfth Night which starred Vivien Leigh and her husband Laurence Olivier. 

    Leigh was a manic depressive but Gielgud didn’t know how to work with that. Here’s something he wrote in his diary about entering the job of director of the play

    Perhaps I will still make a good thing of that divine play, especially if he will let me pull her little ladyship (who is brainier than he but not a born actress) out of her timidity and safeness. He dares too confidently … but she hardly dares at all and is terrified of overreaching her technique and doing anything that she has not killed the spontaneity of by overpractice.

    Maybe her OCD lead her to that terrible sin of overpractice?

    Since when is being prepared – or in this case over-prepared a bad thing?

    When it infringes on the magical moments when freestyling and improvising, even when rocking the eternal words of The Bard.

    As I approach my 560th birthday i have been thinking about writing an autobiography, a memoir of sorts.

    I feel like I’ve finally lived enough of a life to have some interesting tales to tell and I’ve learned a few valuable lessons.

    But the thing that keeps holding me back are the thoughts I have about some of the influential people of my life.

    Gielgud’s criticism of the two-time Oscar winner is fantastic. Who knew people thought that way, especially about her? But we’d never have that realization, especially today, if he hadn’t thrown her under the bus, in a way and wrote honestly in his own autobio.

    Any good bio has heavy doses of sex drugs and rock n roll and my first inclination is to write it and tuck it away somewhere until my death when it will be unearthed.

    But the problem with that is what if it’s misunderstood? Who would be around to set the record straight?

    What if it became a hit? Who would go on the book tour?

    Maybe I’m just as troubled as poor Scarlet. Doubt it. Maybe I should just wait to bust with it when I’m 600 and say fuck it here it is.