nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, November 17, 2020

    do you know i love you, i do 

    over the past few days ive been the subject of the interview, which is weird for me, but ok

    and when you dont really know whats coming you end up giving the weirdest examples in your answers

    it’s also made me very grateful for the good life ive had

    one guy was all, why arent you a millionaire by now?

    and he would let up.

    i was all, uh… that wasnt my goal?

    one of the things i learned quickly when i moved to LA was there were some people who handled being hugely financially successful like that extremely well

    but then there were the large majority that couldnt

    youd go to college with their kids and even the kids would have really unhealthy relationships with money

    so early on i was all

    follow the love.

    so ive worked at a gas station, ive sold beers at a baseball stadium, and i drove uber

    of course ive had normal jobs also, but

    if i was worth like a few million dollars would i really drive uber? it’s not particularly safe

    as my mom would remind me nearly every night i did it.

    and i did it for like five years.

    also when you do the things you love you just feel better… physically.

    the job i hated the most id be sick all the time, i even had to go to the doctor because it was so worrisome

    and he said, you’re puking blood not because youre sick, that job just sucks.

    turned out he was right.

    i miss that doctor.

    so yes, walking down memory lane with these people has made me grateful not just of the gigs but the people i got to work with.

    most of my stories and fond memories are about what other people did or what other people taught me, usually indirectly.

    i should write a book.

  2. Monday, August 26, 2019

    everything is more than zero 

    ive lived in LA so long and ive met so many people but

    im still a stranger and i havent met you and you and you and you

    in the 80s i met a guy who ended up in brett easton ellis’s book shortly after he met me

    not only did he meet me but he “borrowed” some of my clothes and left behind his super expensive threads.

    i have kissed the prettiest girls. earned money in the fanciest homes. heard the best stories and written a few.

    im thinking about starting an instagram about my neighborhood. i am thinking about every day going out and talking to just one person and either taking their picture or video taping it. even though video tape doesnt exist any more.

    so much doesnt exist. even people. which is why i really need to document them.

    sure theres humans of new york but and no offense but fuck new york. new york is the exception to all the rules. it may as well be a planet in another solar system.

    LA though is different. so different. and hollywood even more so.

    you drive around LA and into other counties. the further the better. and then you come back to this one and it dawns on you “how can anyone afford to live here?” how do they do it. which is im sure what you can say about NY too but fuck NY. why snow? why rain? why the yankees?

    in a million years why the yankees?

    but LA is the american dream. LA is where dreams come true is the best part. LA is where No Cal and Mexico french kiss on a balcony at 12:31am on the last night of summer.

    new york doesnt even have summer.

    his name was atif.

  3. Sunday, November 11, 2018

    sharif don’t like it 

    shes a nice girl. she doesnt wanna hurt no one.

    sometimes we’ll be driving and

    like today, today we were driving and she got real quiet so i put on the beastie boys book on tape

    im a book on tape fiend right now

    whats great about theirs is they have different people reading different chapters because theres close to 100 chapters and they are correct in assuming we dont wanna hear just two guys reading that big ass book

    we would much rather hear them along with the likes of ben stiller, wanda sykes, ll cool j, amy poehler, spike jonze, and wes anderson — among many others.

    so we were listening to this story about them going to england for the first time and they mention the fact that they were at mick jones’ house and right before joe strummer popped in adam yauch asked mick to play clash city rockers.

    because im a million years old and amber is innocence and youth personified i asked her if she knew that tune. she said nope. i go siri play clash city rockers by the clash. and we listened and

    i thought to myself

    this poor girl. bad enough shes gotta listen to the beasties book on tape but worse,

    jarvis cocker reading from the book

    and just when shes settled in listening to the story i go siri play this song shes never heard

    i wouldnt be able to stand it if the roles were reversed.

    all she wanted was a salad.

  4. Monday, October 29, 2018

    busy philipps’s book is good, you guys 

    a long time ago i dated a wonderful young woman whos bff was busy philipps’ bff and in 2005 i interviewed her on my short lived podcast and she was a delight.

    so needless to say, i have been rooting for her.

    her book is really good you guys. she tells it all. perfectly. and if you get the audio book she reads it and it just flows.

    i listen to a lot of “books on tape” because im a busy gentleman and im in my car a lot and even with all the channels that Sirius delivers, often i just want to hear someone reading a book to me.

    i prefer the ones where the author reads it themselves but sometimes those are bad too because the author isn’t great at reading.

    busy being a longtime actress is fantastic at reading and it’s her life and so it should be great. but on top of that she has weirdly interesting tales to tell about her rise to fame and the struggles she had getting there.

    for example did you know that she wrote the concept for Blades of Glory, the comedy starring Will Ferrel and Jon Hader? i didnt either. and the reason we dont know about it is a very sad story that she describes perfectly right down to someone telling her that no one cares who the writer is… and how that plays out at the hollywood premiere.

    sorry, writers.

    there were some tragic moments, some happy moments, and even if you watch her Instagram story every day like i do, there was one surprise about her relationship with her husband that i for sure didnt see coming. mama mia.

    but best of all are her impersonations. when she reads the quotes of her mom, michelle williams, and her other bff Emily BB, they are hilarious and perfect. especially how softly she delivers michelle and Emily’s words.

    the release of her book came at the perfect time because she just taped her new talk show for E! yesterday and maybe im not her demographic but i wasnt crazy about the first episode, but i am for sure crazy about the book because it is a very good look at the inside of hollywood from a person who is super honest and has done big things on tv and film and was right there for some really interesting moments.

    i wish busy all the luck on the tv show. i will continue to watch it and im sure it will get better. first shows rarely tell you what it will look like in the future. i clearly remember not being gaga over the first shows of Trevor Noah or Colbert’s Late Show and now i cant get enough of them. so maybe it’s me.

    anyway, if i ever do a podcast again i would love to interview her because the book had me asking lots of questions that didn’t really seem resolved.

  5. Thursday, September 13, 2018

    i save my reading for listening 

    as i drive around this fair city i enjoy having others read to me

    Morrissey’s autobiography was a delight mostly because Moz is an exceptional writer

    and it makes me feel like i should stop watching so much TV and start reading

    you know, actual books

    because when you hear someone lie Morrissey explain things or describe things

    and every sentence is so descriptive with analogies and metaphors that come from ancient scrolls

    and legendary literature and you’re all, wait was that original or a Shakespearian quote

    you feel equal parts excited and ignorant.

    i also liked that he just wanted England to love him and it didnt. not like LA or Mexico or Scandinavia.

    here people would dress like him and scream his lyrics right back at him and fill up this one and that one

    theyd damn near riot, but in his beloved UK they’d barely bat their lashes

    i also like that his record labels barely supported him and no one knew what to do with his successes.

    it is a pattern that i have seen in my own life: some people and organizations are built for mediocrity

    they have zero interest in wild success, all they want to do is keep on keeping on.

    they don’t want failure, but in an odd way they feel more comfortable with a hiccup or two

    than they are huge accomplishments.

    they’re terrified of breaking records, leading the pack, or breaking through to the new thing.

    here The Smiths and Morrissey were selling hand over fist – even when the group broke up, yet the labels were far more willing to spend endless amounts of time and effort into the unproven and even failed,

    than they were to the quirky vegetarian straight edge asexual exception to the rule.

    in the book he even says that Michael Stipe has always wanted to go solo.


  6. Tuesday, April 17, 2018

    today i learned Stiff is worth $90? 

    sometimes when i get low i think what have i done so far and i think NOTHING

    such a question is so subjective because what is value? what is the right answer? who cares what youve bought or “earned” or made.

    but tonight i was looking for a Blogger hoodie because i am wearing one right now and i want to wear it a lot because i love it so it would be great to have a backup.

    so i went to ebay and one thing lead to another and there i was searching my name to see what would pop up

    and holy cow there’s Stiff and someone thinks it’s worth a ton of cash.

    i mean, it is the best thing ive ever written, and it is good, and i am proud of it because it’s wild and creative and

    ALL ME

    and i love it.

    but never did i think it would be worth that much.

    the seller has a bunch of images from the book like where i signed it. for some reason i just signed it Long Live Vegas which i totally agree with but it gives me no hint as to who i had sold it to.

    but the best was the thanks.

    it made me laugh because i forgot what i wrote there.

    because Stiff is an extension of some of the weirdest stuff from How to Blog i wanted to be honest about that

    and i also wanted to acknowledge that the rest of it originally came from this, the world famous blah blog, i thanked myself

    “for the use of my own shit”.

    i have had a good life. i have nothing to be ashamed of. i have nothing to fear about whatever comes next. there is no pressure other than to peak ontop of peak

    and to clean out the kitty litter tomorrow because it’s stinky.

    and whatever book i write next i want it to one day get sold for $200.

    thank you Blogger for all that youve given me,

    because sometimes all we need is a bigass canvas in which to rock.

  7. Thursday, December 29, 2016

    people have been offering me things 

    ways to get out in the public more.

    one nice person wants me to MC his wedding.

    another nice person wants to host a weekly thing where i interview people at his home.

    a podcast of sorts, but it would have a studio audience.

    very flattering, all of this.

    except i have an idea for a disgusting comic book, and i would like to write it first.

    it would be educational, and exactly the thing Schools would love to have:

    modern, funny, real, mostly true.

    except the illustrations and dialogue are going to be of an adult manner.

    this way children will sneak around their house, searching to find the hiding places

    where their parents tucked away these mildly pornographic

    glimpses into the history of the world

    and secretly learn their lil hearts out.

  8. Sunday, December 18, 2016

    im trying to write a comic book 

    but i dont read comic books

    i really want it to be a little book for tourists and locals.

    i want it to be a series of little books

    $6.66 each


    but i want them to tell the dark history of LA and Hollywood and California and rock music and film

    and murduhhhhhhhhhh

    and attempted murder

    and i want them sold where the drama took place

    so lets say i write a little book about the murder of Biggie Smalls, i want the little books to be sold at the Peterson Auto Museum, who will never sell them, so how about at the 99 cents store kitty corner to where he breathed his last breath.

    i want them illustrated by my favorite illustrator of all time. someone who enjoys putting a smile on misery and tragedy and gunk.

    so that part is all easy. the hard part is writing it. but fortunately these will be Mostly True which means i get to fluff it up a bit and add some color to it which hopefully people will like but you know people, they like to complain, so let them complain, all it will do is make them bring more facts to the conversation, which is great, because thats what i want them to do. i want them to talk about history and what really caused someone to wanna kill someone in this beautiful city

    because i cant imagine that.

    even in the middle of the night, when a mouse was in my house and i was freaked out enough by that, and i was washing my dishes trying to make my apartment as mouse-unfriendly as possible, and i heard this knock at my door. and then a huge bang. and then the door get whaled on. i could see it trying to give. someone was trying to get into my place! NOW! BANG! BANG!

    even then, as scared as i was, if i had a gun i wouldnt have killed the guy.

    instead i just used my magical Shout power and i said NO!

    and it scared the guy and made him run away.

    which is why im fascinated by what it takes to get people to do more than that.

    because that level is foreign to me.

    and hopefully always will be.

  9. Tuesday, January 12, 2016

    i have a lot of books. dont read any of them. 

    YaLlgMhthey look good on my shelves.

    the ladies think im smart.

    the crooks never know which ones have cash in them.

    im sure many of them are good, especially the ones written by my friends.

    but come on, people.

    hows a man in 2016 supposed to work two jobs, binge watch television, blog, keep up with current events

    go to concerts

    date east side super models

    participate in several fantasy sports leagues, and create something cool for the LAist, which by the way will start poppin sooner than later so hang in there.

    hows a brother supposed to do all of those things AND read all the books in his many mansions?

    heres what i suspect my life will be like after i win the powerball. i suspect i’ll be doing more traveling and less driving. and on those trips i will read more books.

    especially in those planes where they let you lay down in yr cocoon.

    and poolside

    and oceanside

    and beachside.

    i had to wake up at 6am this morning to work. today will be interesting.

  10. Tuesday, December 8, 2015

    people offer to do things with me and im all omg that sounds exhausting 

    internet explorerthings that when i was a younger man i would not have believed that they are true.

    outrageous activities fall in several categories:

    – things that make me feel better about myself

    – things other people might think, damn tony is so cool

    – things that would make me rich

    – things that would look great on instagram

    – things that would help me grow spiritually

    – things that would help me discover my place in society

    – things involving rihanna

    – things that involve dressing up in uncomfortable clothes

    at this stage of my life the only things that i want to do are things involving rihanna, as i know that all of the other things, to me, at least, are various levels of bs that have no real meaning in the grand scheme of things.

    spirituality, like love, hit you when you’re not trying. like good poops they cant be forced.

    and everything else are the things of frat boys, thus worthless.

    this weekend i got to hang out a little with my friends and that was better than all of the likes on instagram and all of the fan letters from cheerleaders and all of the tea in china.

    i used to think i wanted to write books but for what reason? usually the reasons were pure like

    “i have the best title for a book, now ive gotta fill up 111 pages with something.”

    or “it’s christmas, lemme make something great for my friends. i know: a book!”

    but nowadays the only book i would make for them would be so filthy theyd have to hide it from their adorable kids, and thats not a nice thing to make to honor the birth of the baby messiah.

    i probably need to go to europe soon to reevaluate and recalibrate. maybe afrique. maybe japan.

    prob with japan is i dont think i could sleep very well there.

    maybe i just need a massage and some soul food

    with rihanna.