nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, April 17, 2018

    today i learned Stiff is worth $90? 

    sometimes when i get low i think what have i done so far and i think NOTHING

    such a question is so subjective because what is value? what is the right answer? who cares what youve bought or “earned” or made.

    but tonight i was looking for a Blogger hoodie because i am wearing one right now and i want to wear it a lot because i love it so it would be great to have a backup.

    so i went to ebay and one thing lead to another and there i was searching my name to see what would pop up

    and holy cow there’s Stiff and someone thinks it’s worth a ton of cash.

    i mean, it is the best thing ive ever written, and it is good, and i am proud of it because it’s wild and creative and

    ALL ME

    and i love it.

    but never did i think it would be worth that much.

    the seller has a bunch of images from the book like where i signed it. for some reason i just signed it Long Live Vegas which i totally agree with but it gives me no hint as to who i had sold it to.

    but the best was the thanks.

    it made me laugh because i forgot what i wrote there.

    because Stiff is an extension of some of the weirdest stuff from How to Blog i wanted to be honest about that

    and i also wanted to acknowledge that the rest of it originally came from this, the world famous blah blog, i thanked myself

    “for the use of my own shit”.

    i have had a good life. i have nothing to be ashamed of. i have nothing to fear about whatever comes next. there is no pressure other than to peak ontop of peak

    and to clean out the kitty litter tomorrow because it’s stinky.

    and whatever book i write next i want it to one day get sold for $200.

    thank you Blogger for all that youve given me,

    because sometimes all we need is a bigass canvas in which to rock.

  2. Thursday, December 29, 2016

    people have been offering me things 

    ways to get out in the public more.

    one nice person wants me to MC his wedding.

    another nice person wants to host a weekly thing where i interview people at his home.

    a podcast of sorts, but it would have a studio audience.

    very flattering, all of this.

    except i have an idea for a disgusting comic book, and i would like to write it first.

    it would be educational, and exactly the thing Schools would love to have:

    modern, funny, real, mostly true.

    except the illustrations and dialogue are going to be of an adult manner.

    this way children will sneak around their house, searching to find the hiding places

    where their parents tucked away these mildly pornographic

    glimpses into the history of the world

    and secretly learn their lil hearts out.

  3. Sunday, December 18, 2016

    im trying to write a comic book 

    but i dont read comic books

    i really want it to be a little book for tourists and locals.

    i want it to be a series of little books

    $6.66 each


    but i want them to tell the dark history of LA and Hollywood and California and rock music and film

    and murduhhhhhhhhhh

    and attempted murder

    and i want them sold where the drama took place

    so lets say i write a little book about the murder of Biggie Smalls, i want the little books to be sold at the Peterson Auto Museum, who will never sell them, so how about at the 99 cents store kitty corner to where he breathed his last breath.

    i want them illustrated by my favorite illustrator of all time. someone who enjoys putting a smile on misery and tragedy and gunk.

    so that part is all easy. the hard part is writing it. but fortunately these will be Mostly True which means i get to fluff it up a bit and add some color to it which hopefully people will like but you know people, they like to complain, so let them complain, all it will do is make them bring more facts to the conversation, which is great, because thats what i want them to do. i want them to talk about history and what really caused someone to wanna kill someone in this beautiful city

    because i cant imagine that.

    even in the middle of the night, when a mouse was in my house and i was freaked out enough by that, and i was washing my dishes trying to make my apartment as mouse-unfriendly as possible, and i heard this knock at my door. and then a huge bang. and then the door get whaled on. i could see it trying to give. someone was trying to get into my place! NOW! BANG! BANG!

    even then, as scared as i was, if i had a gun i wouldnt have killed the guy.

    instead i just used my magical Shout power and i said NO!

    and it scared the guy and made him run away.

    which is why im fascinated by what it takes to get people to do more than that.

    because that level is foreign to me.

    and hopefully always will be.

  4. Tuesday, January 12, 2016

    i have a lot of books. dont read any of them. 

    YaLlgMhthey look good on my shelves.

    the ladies think im smart.

    the crooks never know which ones have cash in them.

    im sure many of them are good, especially the ones written by my friends.

    but come on, people.

    hows a man in 2016 supposed to work two jobs, binge watch television, blog, keep up with current events

    go to concerts

    date east side super models

    participate in several fantasy sports leagues, and create something cool for the LAist, which by the way will start poppin sooner than later so hang in there.

    hows a brother supposed to do all of those things AND read all the books in his many mansions?

    heres what i suspect my life will be like after i win the powerball. i suspect i’ll be doing more traveling and less driving. and on those trips i will read more books.

    especially in those planes where they let you lay down in yr cocoon.

    and poolside

    and oceanside

    and beachside.

    i had to wake up at 6am this morning to work. today will be interesting.

  5. Tuesday, December 8, 2015

    people offer to do things with me and im all omg that sounds exhausting 

    internet explorerthings that when i was a younger man i would not have believed that they are true.

    outrageous activities fall in several categories:

    – things that make me feel better about myself

    – things other people might think, damn tony is so cool

    – things that would make me rich

    – things that would look great on instagram

    – things that would help me grow spiritually

    – things that would help me discover my place in society

    – things involving rihanna

    – things that involve dressing up in uncomfortable clothes

    at this stage of my life the only things that i want to do are things involving rihanna, as i know that all of the other things, to me, at least, are various levels of bs that have no real meaning in the grand scheme of things.

    spirituality, like love, hit you when you’re not trying. like good poops they cant be forced.

    and everything else are the things of frat boys, thus worthless.

    this weekend i got to hang out a little with my friends and that was better than all of the likes on instagram and all of the fan letters from cheerleaders and all of the tea in china.

    i used to think i wanted to write books but for what reason? usually the reasons were pure like

    “i have the best title for a book, now ive gotta fill up 111 pages with something.”

    or “it’s christmas, lemme make something great for my friends. i know: a book!”

    but nowadays the only book i would make for them would be so filthy theyd have to hide it from their adorable kids, and thats not a nice thing to make to honor the birth of the baby messiah.

    i probably need to go to europe soon to reevaluate and recalibrate. maybe afrique. maybe japan.

    prob with japan is i dont think i could sleep very well there.

    maybe i just need a massage and some soul food

    with rihanna.

  6. Wednesday, November 11, 2015
  7. Monday, July 20, 2015

    i am hurt, i am hurting, but it’s ok 

    white onlymy fingers, my wrists, even my back is all

    notice us, notice us, notice us.

    i put icy hot on my hands and arms, i have these great elastic sleeves i put on my arms

    but i lost one because im a slob.

    so i just alternate the one back and forth like a hobo.

    it only hurts when i drive which is sad because as you know i love driving.

    maybe i need a back support dealie. maybe i need under armour. maybe i need new arms.

    my cigarette lighter doesnt work any more. youd think the cigarette lighter in a mercedes would never break. its the thing that charges my cell phone as im driving.

    gas prices here in LA are at record highs.

    basically the entire universe is telling me not to drive but who’s going to be keira-anne’s tour guide.

    i can tour guide for tops three days a year and then i get burned out.

    on paper i could write the most amazing tour book about LA but not only dont i want to but it would be bizarre, filled mostly with various fast food establishments

    places to buy bukowski books

    and every movie theater and former record store in town.

    fine, i’ll write it.

  8. Thursday, April 23, 2015

    thinking about writing a new book 

    oh shit was that today

    about all the girls i made out with.

    the first time i made out with them.

    but i’ll change all their names.

    and change all the places.

    but keep the music we were listening to.

    or the music that was going through my head.

    bestseller, bitch.

  9. Monday, March 2, 2015

    today xTx came out with another book 

    xtxher last book was the best book i read that year

    so im sure this book will be the best book i read this year, which is why i bought it

    and why you should too.

    xTx is like quentin tarantino of writing stuff down, it’s at times brutal, and often beautiful.

    there are very few people who i think, i might never write as good as them,

    xTx is at the top of that list, and i heart her for that because i know she must practice a lot.

    she inspires me to keep blogging and maybe one day write another book, not so that i can compete with her but so i can break out of whatever shell the devil has convinced me to walk into.

    the good Lord wants us to write. that was the message ive gotten from xTx’s stories. He wants us to write because when we do we show the world that even though we look like the typical next door neighbor, we are filled with amazing insights and fascinating lies.

    we remind the world that the world is more than the world. it’s four dimentional

    the fourth wall being a waterbed

    and it’s heated.

    xTx reminds us that the days are going to pass anyhow, may as well be working on something, particularly something interesting and powerful. i ordered her book this afternoon and it was the easiest purchase i made next to buying kitty litter: it’s an of course.

    very few things in life are like that that doesnt involve poop.

  10. Tuesday, September 9, 2014

    about ten years ago i wrote a book called Stiff 

    leah reading stiffi dont know how.

    i know i did most of it day by day at a job i didnt like.

    but now that i look back i dont know how that came out of me.

    i know i was broke and i wanted to be able to sell something at Christmas.

    i also know i felt stifled creatively. and i wanted to impress a girl. or three.

    maybe i felt like a bird in a tree at night

    look at me look at me look at me.

    it was nice that i had a big audience for the busblog at that point because without one it also probably wouldnta happened.

    and it was good that i didnt care if i got fired from my job for having such weird ideas concepts and quotes.

    im sure my boss, who hated me, was reading it, and maybe that helped a little too.

    so i guess it worked because of all of those little factors all combined into the perfect storm.

    so maybe it’s weirder that there hasnt been a perfect storm in over a decade.

    i dont care what chicks think. i do care what my bosses think. and i dont feel stifled.

    i dont even know what book id make now if i could. despite the fact that i have ten years more of experience under my belt.

    weirdly it would probably be about etienne. a girl i hope i never see again.