if you eat this salad you’re gonna have a baby

i actually got a lot done today

went with bree to a restaurant where if youre a pregnant lady and you eat the salad the odds magically increase that you will deliver the bambino within 3 and 36 hours.

bree wanted to go there because on monday theyre going to induce her and she would rather her angel come out the natural way.

she taught me a lot about being a pregnant lady. we did a little podcast. it turned out better than i expected.

when you’re unemployed you feel like a complete loser and when you do something well it has a way of surprising you.

apparently i can talk aloud in a conversation.

anyways this restaurant has an unpronounceable name, it’s on an adorable street in studio city that actually looks like it could be in the movies now that i say it.

the waiters told us that 15-20 women a day go in there for The Maternity Salad.

bree is picky and she said the salad was good. mine was meh.

they had this huge board with all the names of the Salad Babies.

she was very calm. her work gives her 6 months off to do this. which seems like a lot, but then how do you just not be around your 6 month old if you wanna receive money and benefits?

we’ll check in with her later.

best question i asked: what was your best baby shower gift?

tune in never to hear her answer because lets be real, if i wanted to do podcasts i would have been doing them by now.

came home and watched the end of the cubs game.

then did something on the howard stern group that ive been wanting to do somewhere, anywhere, for the last 10 years.

long long time ago usa today had a blog called pop candy by whitney matthewson and she did this thing where once a week she would feature one of her commentors.  most posts got like 20-100 comments, but those ones got 1,000+ because it was actually really nice to see who these people were and what they were into.

last month i did an Ask Me Anything to get the ball rolling. i knew some of these people disagreed with some of the rules that i had implemented or didn’t like how i did certain things, so i did it to let them grill me on it so that there would be a record of where i stood on things and so maybe they could understand my rationale better. funny thing was, most of them had zero interest in any of that and just wanted to ask good questions. which was fine because that AMA wasnt about me, really, it was to set the table for the weekly AMAs to come.

so i made sure to keep it as really real as i could, but also to mirror what we love about the Stern show, which is people are brutally honest, including the host. especially the host.

well it worked out because today i picked this guy who was one of my best Informants. the group gets more than 50 posts a day and it is really helpful that 3-4 dudes regularly tell me any time someone says something insane that needs my attention. in a perfect world i would make them all admins, but this system has worked out fine and despite the size (16k) most people respect the rules and are civil.

so i asked him yesterday if he was up to do an AMA and he said whats that? turned out he was perfect. he grew up on Long Island in the 80s; knows everything about the show, the staff, all the minor details, and even knows the comedian guests on the much-maligned Wrap Up Show. works in government in DC. the whole thing was shocking. and then he came out in the middle of the thing.

pop candy strikes again.

then i watched this video of David Ross, the backup catcher for the Cubs in 2016 who was the oldest player on the team so they called him Grampa Rossy.

if you remember, in the World Series, in the final game, on what everyone knew would be his final game of his career because he was retiring, he hit a crucial home run off one of their best pitchers.

the cubs digital team has taken it to higher level this year with their videos because not only is the production good but the interviews, like on this one, lead to some amazing insights.

for example: Grampa Rossy has no business hitting a home run off Andrew Miller on a rainy night in Cleveland,

but through this video we learn all this crazy ass inside baseball stuff that is what i live for


Rossy and Miller played together in Boston. when you are the catcher and he is the pitcher, you tend to learn things about him if you ever have to hit against him. Ross, like most people, knew that Miller’s money pitch was his slider – a pitch that will trail away from a right handed batter, just out of his reach.

sliders are super hard to hit so you usually just let those go by and wait for him to throw a fastball.

miller had a tell. one that probably only a catcher would know because it may hurt some catcher’s feelings.

when a catcher calls the signs, he’s not asking the pitcher “hey what do you think about a fastball?” he’s telling him “dude, let me call this game. i see what you have going. i study the hell out of these batters. here’s what we should do: fastball.”

if the pitcher disagrees with the call he will shake off the catcher and have him call another pitch. most pitchers only have 2-3 pitches so it’s not that complicated. but if a pitcher shakes off a catcher, generally the catchers don’t like that.

so Grampa Rossy noticed that every time Miller would shake off a pitch it was usually because he wanted to throw a fastball.

there it was, game 7 of the world series. all of his years of being around the league, learning weird quirks, studying batters… it was Grampa’s weird knowledge of his former pitcher that helped him know that when Andrew Miller shook off a sign with one ball and two strikes it was probably gonna be a flaming hot fastball.

and it was, and the Cubs were on their way to winning the world series.


couldnt sleep last night – nervous about a phone call i was having today

was it a job interview? not really. more like a pitch. but i didnt know it was gonna be a pitch. i thought it was gonna be something else. i didnt know what it was going to be. i knew it was gonna be a phone call.

maybe. hopefully. then it turned out it was. which was good. three people on the call. had only known one. other two i had only read about and heard of.

my voice gets really high when im nervous. had no reason to be nervous. only people who are lying should be nervous. this was not a lie. it was the biggest truth ever. it was basically: heres this thing i want to make for you that probably wont pay off immediately but not far down the road mama mia will you think this was genius.

and i gotta say there werent a lot of hard questions. some good ones. some right on the money. i was asked if i knew of this other thing, and i had known of that other thing, so hopefully they saw i wasnt a total dummy.

but its sorta like this. in baseball you can hit the ball hard 3-4 times in the game. and still make outs because it goes right to center, or right in the 3rd baseman’s glove. or just a little foul. you did everything right but it just wasnt your night.

i feel that way about spring. i have had the best opportunities, with the coolest people, and we are communicating clearly, but it just doesn’t sing.

also i didnt figure out the name for it until just now — the great rock n roll census.

it’s nobodys fault. there’s no hard feelings. no ill will. it’s just: thank you next. so tomorrow im going to do the unspeakable. im going to start a podcast.

since i slept so poorly last night and had a headache after the call i took a little nap. and during the nap i had a dream. in the dream i just took the bus and got off the bus somewhere where no other typical podcaster would ever get off the bus. dangerous? you bet. but who cares, the cubs won the world series. and i saw it.

so i get off the bus and walk down the street and ask some kids, hey what are you doing over there? and either they run away, stab me, or tell me. that’s a .333 chance of something good, which would get you in the hall of fame in baseball. so thats one category: hey what are you doing?

the other is: hey what goes on over here? other day i was in glendale. i was in the library reading but i really wanted to go outside and smoke a joint because i was getting depressed. so i went out to the library to the adjoining park. there were what appeared to be semi retired gang members there playing classic rock on an old school boom box.

because im 239874 years old i knew every song coming out of that boom box, but i didnt have enough weed to share with the entire posse so i just kept walking over to the far end of the park. when out of no where a security guard went over to the gentleman and caused them to raise their voices at him.

if i had been more prepared, i would have walked over and said, he what goes on over here and stuck my microphone out so you could all hear.

another category would be: hows biz? where i walk down random streets and talk to small business owners about the state of the economy, the history of their establishment, and can i have a taste of that thing over there?

the way i look at it, i could probably wake up at noon and be done interviewing people by 4. edit that audio, make corresponding blog posts by 6-7 and probably get a few thousand people to chip in a couple bucks a month for what i would call LA IS OK.

heres how i figure it. a man of my age and education should be making six figures by now. that’s like 8,500 a month. if i could get 4,250 paying subscribers to flow $2 a month, boom, done.

granted thats more than read the busblog every month now that blogs are dead. but you know me, ive never had a hard time getting an audience when i want one. and like ive just laid out, i’ll be in danger, i’ll be educating people, i’ll be showing off the greatest city in the world, and there will probably be music.

tomorrow i will start with a pregnant person i know (pictured) who is due to have her first baby any day now. she wants me to take her to this salad place known to induce some women right there on the spot. so what better to Christian a pod than water breaking? or if we get lucky i’ll have to speed her to the hospital. have no fear, the tape will be rolling.

today is bree’s birthday, she’s 24


there are many reasons to love bree but the best is because she’s one of the few remaining

real bloggers in the world.

many have dropped off the face of the world and that’s sad.

but whats super great about bree is not only is she still blogging but she’s more honest and critical and insightful than ever.

which isnt easy. especially when some of the people you’re blogging about are reading you.

whether it is work people, friends, boyfriends, whoever, if bree has an opinion about them she will let it out.

we need more of this.

i need to be more like this.

tonight bree is having a birthday party in a sweet spot but sadly i cant make it because of

xbi commitments, but i will make it up to her very soon

tonight she will be surrounded by many of her friends, they will take outrageous photo booth pics

and eat pizza and celebrate this very special young lady who has turned into the type of person we all hope to be:

someone Gwen Stefani would approve of.

happy birthday bree! see you on the hiking trail!

bree and i investigated the high fire danger yesterday in burbank

high fire danger

which turned into a steep hike on a crazy mountain overlooking beautiful downtown burbank

pretty much the hardest hike ive ever been on

but it was nice to be above the smog line for a while


afterwards we treated ourselves to some in n out

i am a carnivore selfish person so i had the cheeseburger and three deals of ketchup

bree is a vegetarian so she had the grilled cheese and animal style fries and for some reason i only gave her two deals

maybe i was just lightheaded and not thinking right. yeah thats probably it.

in n out grilled cheese and animal style fries

as i was driving home i stopped at a light and saw my childhood dreamcar rolling up beside me.

back in the day youd actually order your vette with all that writing on it and people would be omg youre the coolest

but if you ask me the dudes blue tooth really ties the whole thing together.

1978 corvette pace car

took a quick shower and drove over to have a happy hour beer with paige

on the way i saw an excellent mural which is really ad ad for a summer tv series on FX ive never heard of

but will check out solely because of this killer painting

mural ad

forgot to tell paige about it as we sat in a hollywood beer garden watching people drink liter glasses of german brew


while sipping out of mason jars being served to us by a conflicted young man who grew up in ohio but who loved

the michigan wolverines.

middle of the week afternoon day drinking

must have attracted every midwesterner in town cuz we ran into this guy


and took his picture because that shirt was just way sweet

it was a tough week for bree, she and her man split up


as a reader of her blog, twitter and instagram i knew it was affecting her greatly

but then last night i was very nervous when she tweeted “here’s what i’m thinking

with a link to this image of some ominous writing on her wrist.

so i texted her and said she probably should drink or nap or stay away from sharp objects.

she said she was very interested in sharp objects

and i was all, well sometimes its ok when people cut us off

because maybe that means they weren’t right for us. not everyones gonna get you.

and sometimes those are the people you want to understand you the most.

she was all blah blah blah whatevs tony



thank God she was merely talking about – and then getting – her first tattoo.


tsar and nerfherder played the bootleg again friday

bree had never seen tsar before and tsar delivered big time.

because LA is really a small place my coworker sanden totten just happened to be there

and he also had never seen Tsar and loved them so much he bought the new cd and their b-sides.

he used to be a punk rock singer so its pretty high praise to just be at a show

and be so blown away by a band you know nothing about that you buy everything theyve got.

so im gonna make him a little spotify playlist to highlight the highlights.

i hope tsar tours all over california so everyone can love them.

oh look, they are:


bree and i figured out the best way to give people uncomfortable messages


ok, say you wanna tell someone youre just not into them any more

or that you cant go to their party

or that you made out with their sister

or that you dont want them to be in your band any more:

you send them a really beautiful but omg so nswf email

and underneath the photo it says “sorry romeo, bree isn’t into it. but the good news, heres some porn.”

once it takes off dudes can just see each other in the hallway at work and be all

why so glum, chad?

and bro will go, dude i got some porn just now.

and his buddy will understand immediately and be like, im so sorry, lets have beers after work.

you’re welcome.

bree wants to know who your first crush was

mine was kristin burke. first grade. first phone number i ever got.
she lived exactly one block away but for some reason i wanted her number.
i was adorable, she was adorable, who isnt adorable when youre 7 ?

on top of her normal adorable ness in cluding freckles
she was on the first grade swim team.
we had a pool exactly one and a half blocks away.
so her blonde hair got blonder because of the chlorine and sun.

so i was all hey whats your phone number and i got it and the next day
we both got off the bus and i ran home and waited a few minutes
climbed the step stool to the kitchen phone that was on the wall and i
her phone number, and she answered and who knows what we talked about

one day some of the boys started throwing rocks at girls
and kristin walked by.
ever since first grade my rock throwing aim has been uncanny.
but i didnt wanna hit kristin burke with no rock.
i didnt know what i wanted to do but not that.
so i threw it way over her head
right through someones windshield.
and ran

and then called her an hour later or so.

dont get any taller i said.