nothing in here is true

  1. Thursday, June 25, 2015

    now that Britney is single again, would i date her? 

    britneywhat do i care?

    sure. fine.

    i would do it for all the wrong reasons though.

    i would do it to hang out in Vegas more.

    i would do it to secretly compete against K-Fed.

    i would do it to help her write her autobiography, which has to be fascinating.

    i would do it to help her lose that weird fog that seems to be in her head and bring back that Louisiana spark plug who we all thought would be our spirit animal.

    i would do it to help her make that pop-opera that we all know is inside her.

    i dont want to change her. ok maybe a little. but the weird thing about Britney is she’s gone through tons of changes herself.

    there was a time i wouldnt even consider dating her. i was way more an Xtina person. but now she seems boring.

    Brit has never been boring. she has always kept it real. which is why im distracted by the haze.

    i feel she needs to go back to making live videos.

    she needs to do some heavy metal covers, but popped out.

    likewise, some acoustic numbers.

    i want her to surprise people at 1am at Bonnaroo, Jazz Fest, Lollapalooza.

    people Love her and are rooting for her. but so many would never buy a ticket to one of her shows. fine. just appear places then. do 20 minutes of hits that the kids can sing along to

    and dance to

    and then peace out.

    Bonus Britney

    the tour.

    yr welcome.

  2. Saturday, December 28, 2013
  3. Monday, March 5, 2012

    life is super cray 

    it dont matter if youre poor or rich
    blonde or brunette
    famous or internet famous
    or not even popular in your own room.

    life be cray.

    pretty much even if youre God its that way.

    God was all, yo adam heres a naked lady for you,
    only thing i ask is you two dont eat from that one tree
    next thing you know theyre listening to a snake
    and nom nom whoops.

    and even kids know that story still we run out to be
    or smart
    or funny
    or wonderful

    as if

    meanwhile we forget that even for God Above
    life so cray
    that he flooded this place outta frustration
    and hardly anyone believes in him
    or trusts him enough to read the only book he left behind.

    whose theme is pretty much:

    life is cray
    don’t panic

  4. Friday, March 4, 2011

    still dont really know what to tell the truest about charlie sheen 

    awwwwother than he is just a spectacular, quotable, trainwreck fixin to happen.

    and even though we’re laughing now we will be so sad when it goes down.

    how come errrybody was so sad when britney was melting down, but they just laugh when charlie does it?

    karisa worked at a mental institution for most of her early development years.

    she says that what he says isnt that much different than what she heard mental patients say.

    apparently having tiger blood and adonis dna is nothing new to those loose of lip.

    regardless if i was mtv id get back in the music video business and let charlie host 6-hour blocks.

    let him talk about whatever music videos he wants.

    let those goddesses sit on bean bag chairs next to him and they can all tell us about the new green day video or whoever has a new album out.

    how come record stations arent making this happen this second?

    why is it that i have to have all the answers to save the world?

    we want to hear this guy spew from the narrow median between genius and insanity – so why not do it low budget but entertaining as well as informative.

    charlie sheen video show.

    on mtv.

    tonight from 6 to midnite.

    why arent i a vp for viacom already?

  5. Saturday, February 19, 2005

    two chicks on e came over to my house last night 

    fucked up and confused, so i let them in.

    y not

    itd been raining so i lit a fire and retrieved blankets from the basement

    and i plotted.

    one of em looked like a blue eyed dita the other looked like a dirty britney

    somehow they got a hold of way too much ecstacy and being pretty cute they were allowed to eat too much ecstacy

    the key to a strong quickstarting impressive fire is to get a fake duraflame log or three from the 99cents store. chop a log up into thick meatloaf slice sizes. slide that under a wood log and poof, fire.

    they flopped down on the couch and started spewing all this paranoid insane bullshit about how these girls were laughing at them and how these boys were talking shit about them and how terrible they looked when they looked in the mirror and i said

    baby baby baby.

    i didnt sit on the couch, i sat in my chair.

    i already have a girlfriend.

    who was out of town.

    i said heres what we’re going to do we’re not going to think of anything negative for the rest of the night.

    they said, but

    i said no, we’re going to only focus on that fire, and maybe that tv if youre lucky.

    and we looked at the fire and told happy stories that sometimes swerved into the ditch of negativity but you just pull yourself out of that ditch by saying something nice

    like, you two are looking real good over there

    with the halloween oranges and tangerine reds all flickering on your




    shadows bouncing across the ceiling and the drapes

    but im taken so we talked about crepes

    which studies have shown you can do on that pill

    talk about food, that is, deflect, if you will

    but they wont

    and last night they made out right in front of me

    slightly hotter than what was on tv

    and i swear theres magic in that couch.

    the fat guy + zulieka + instapundit + wit nit

  6. Sunday, January 4, 2004

    well there he is: mr. britney spears. 

    instapundit doesnt care. jarvis doesnt care. steve hall had to seriously consider whether he cared and finally had to give in out of fear of being slammed by this very blog.

    but certainly jason allen alexander (pictured) of kentwood louisiana cared that he married britney spears this weekend.

    and you know what j-dog, i care.

    for years now i have been barraged with images and “music” and gossip and “news” about whether or not she got a boob job, or whether she was still a virgin, or what was up with her and justin, or if she was a smoker(!)

    christina aguilera came out with a dirtier and more beautiful record in 2003 than britney did.

    she had five geniune hits: dirrty, can’t hold us down, fighter, impossible, and beautiful.

    and yet madonna kisses britney and that image becomes one of the most identifiable moments in 2003. not when madonna kissed xtina seconds later.

    but strangely, when britney decides on a whim to get hitched in vegas, its not news.

    jarvis and reynolds arent the only one sharing adrants’s yawns, britneys nuptials arent even on any three of yahoos top 20 most emailed, most viewed or highest rated stories of the weekend.

    i thought you people loved britney spears

    and weddings

    and elopments in vegas

    and the palms in vegas

    and the maloof brothers.

    has britney jumped the shark?

    well jason, i care that you married britney spears this weekend, at 5 in the morning, in the same little chapel that denis rodman married carmen electra while drunk and being held up my a midget.

    i care that you had a wild vegas weekend with britney spears and of right now youre still married to her and youre back home and youve got some stories to tell.

    too bad Lick only takes stories from women.


    dogboy + vanmega + doc doesnt care. hes seen it all.

  7. so britney spears wants to get married 

    as a joke, and then go an have it annulled.

    well i think the joke should be on her.

    if i was the pope or some other non-biblically elected church official i would suggest to the other church heads that nobody give mrs. alexander any damn annullment.

    the institution of marriage in america today has a 50% divorce rate. what brit did the other night rubs its face into the fact that the Ultimate commitment isnt worth the keno card that its written on.

    id make an example of her and her sham wedding.

    and if i was the state of nevada i’d follow suit.

    how can you get married in one day and divorced a few days later and not make the entire “institution” a joke?

    she signed the paperwork, she paid the $55, she kissed the groom, she laughed and she laughed and then she danced with one of the malloof brothers in the real world suite.

    and now she should have to wait till death till she parts.

    either that or she should give her husband half of her income as a penalty.

    but i say she should have to stay married. forever.

    let no man tear apart what God has brought together.

    and all that.


    saying “i do” should not be part of a marketing campaigned designed to sell more records than outkast.

    and anyway, i dont see a nevada statute that says you can get your marriage annuled because it was a joke.

    closest i see is one that will annul your ass if youre crazy. which perhaps she is.

    instapundit still hasnt covered this breaking media event + nor has the creator of entertainment weekly + fark was funny about it

  8. Wednesday, June 5, 2002

    people ask why im going to see britney spears 

    britney over the yearstomorrow night at staples.

    i have several reasons, the first being i havent seen a good stripper, in person, in years.

    outside of my living room.

    secondly, i have great seats.

    but ultimately, i love music, i love the music scene, and i love pop music and pop culture, and for whatever reason, with britney and christina, and anna and ashley and beyonce, the universe has thrown heaps of twenty year old girls at me and i dont know why.

    and sometimes its dumb to ask why.

    sometimes its just your job to experience the experience.

    a few rows from the stage.

    up, just a little bit.

    and see if that dirty little girl can put on a show.

    for those of you who live in LA and are as curious as i am about ms. spears’s talents, i have been keeping a keen eye on the ticket situation here and i will tell you that you shouldnt be surprised if you brought $20 to the downtown arena and found yourself possessing an $80 seat near where i’ll be sitting.

    even the most popular teen phenom has a hard time selling out two nights at Staples and her record hasnt exploded the way people expected and this is pretty much just a rehash tour of the one she broadcasted on HBO and how many teenagers do you know have $80 to check out a chick lip sync?

    but for $20, i’ll check out some cutesie karaoke.

    what the hell else am i gonna do, wait for her big comeback tour when shes 26?