happy canada day, america

canada cookies

for most americans, Canada is that place UP THERE that we never visit, barely think aboot and foolishly ignore

but thanks to blogging, i have made friends, kissed girls, drank beers, eaten poutine, and even had the pleasure of devouring Beaver Tails all while saying

why didnt anyone tell me about all of this before.

the idea that canada is nothing more than igloos and hockey rinks and beautiful women and eskimos is only half true

there are also Tim Hortons on every block, government run liquor stores, coins used as actual money, and french used as an actual language

the people say sorry a lot, they are super sweet, and the queen walks down the street during hockey season and gives high fives to the townfolk whenever a goal is scored.

i have had the great good pleasure of visiting americas hat several times and i am overdue for another excellent adventure and i must tell you, america:

poutinecanada is also america minus the dingleberries

in vancouver i saw a marijuana store run by hells angels

in toronto i ice skated outside in the snow and everyone, even the children were drunk off love (and molsons)

in ottowa i ate the most delicious indian food and saw the most beautiful gargoyles

in kingston i ate poutine at a kfc and i let out a moan so loud that they gave me a free cookie but told me i had to leave, soorry.

in barrie i soaked in a hot tub with lesbians as thick snowflakes lazily fell upon our heads

in quebec city i felt like i was in a runaway neighborhood of paris that was miraculously transported across the globe

and in montreal i proposed to a girl who said, first lets eat some smoked meats and we danced next to a brick wall while grafitti artists expertly painted our blurry forms

i have been harassed at the border, i have seen fireworks on a river, i have seen baseball played in a dome

i even slept for a night in a honeymoon suite overlooking niagra falls and i wondered,

why does america have buffalo when we could have had all of this?

don cherry, geddy lee, matthew good, neil young, mike meyers, pamela anderson, wayne gretzky

and now justin trudeau’s wife

should all be honorary americans

and by that i mean they should be given a gun and be exempt from paying taxes.

happy canada day, my favorite country in america that doesnt speak even a little bit spanish

unless theyre on vacation in cuba.

keira-anne is a beautiful spirit

miss 604, keira-anne, and their boyfriends hanson

pretty much the epitome of what youd imagine of a canadian young lady.

polite, healthy, creative, fun, and concerned with all the good things that you wish everyone else would be concerned aboot

i first met her at Blink 182 show. we were in the pit. moshing. i had been knocked to the ground.

kids were stomping on me but didnt know it was me, they thought it was a bag of Cubs hat.

out of the bloody darkness i saw a hand. it was hers, but i couldnt reach up.

then suddenly she grabbed my scruff and pulled me out from certain death.

she dragged me to the edge of the pit, borrowed a beer from a stunned gentleman who couldnt believe he was seeing The keira-anne in the flesh

she poured some down my throat and wiped the blood from my brow with the remains.

she kissed my forehead and pushed me back into the swirling mass of bodies.

little bluebirds fluttered around her and placed a wreath of wildflowers atop her blonde locks.

i mouthed thank you

she mouthed

eat timbits

which is now my gmail password.

today she posted an interview she conducted with me recently.

click if only to see a cute pic of she and i in canada in 2007.

Jian Gets Off

Jian Ghomeshi

there will be a day when women who are sexually abused will find justice

that day is not today, not even in beautiful Canada,

Jian Ghomeshi

i did not follow the Jian Ghomeshi case closely because here in the USA it was not big news. even today, the day of the verdict, it’s not on tv. but from what i have read, he admitted he punched and choked women but the judge did not believe the women’s testimony.

because of stats like the ones above, which are sadly quite similar here in the States, many women don’t even press charges because they know they’ll face judges like the one today who said basically “BS, youre lying.

two things will cause change: women video documenting Everything and/or women carrying weapons.

justice would be easier, but it seems impossible right now. tragically.

the most interesting mayor in the americas has died

rob ford

just as hateable as he was lovable rob ford is no longer smoking crack, drinking beers, or embarrassing our friends the Canadians

cancer got him and got him quick. he’s dead. life is short and if you do it right you will be remembered with a smile on yr face.

i didn’t know much about Ford’s politics, but i am told i would have not agreed with it. thats fine.

he was still a passionate, fascinating character whose accent was as thick as his waistline.

i appreciated that he was a man of the people. i appreciated that he was passionate about Toronto.

i appreciated that he told the press the truth – after he lied a little.

im more sad that he’s dead than lots of politicians who have recently died.

maybe because he reminded me of Chris Farley mixed with a fatter Chris Farley.

Canada should never be ashamed of their most interesting mayor, we know he wasnt Canada.

he was the Canadian guy who couldnt ice skate who for some reason ran out onto the ice with dress shoes.

and now he’s dead.


We all should pray for Nardwaur the Human Serviette

the top three interviewers alive today are

3. tony pierce

2. howard stern

nardwuar1. Nardwaur of Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada

and nardwaur wins by a lot.

thats the good news.

the bad news is the outrageous and lovable journalist had a stroke on Saturday.

Nardwaur was known for his deep research which led to right-on-the-money musical gifts like records from the artist’s chilhood

or posters from concerts that meant a lot to them.

over the last 30 years Nardwaur has interviewed the likes of

Nirvana, Jay-Z, Snoop Dogg, Odd Future, Henry Rollins,

and so many punk, pop, and hip hop artists,

on video,

that after a while it becomes less about the artist and more about their reactions to his gifts.

because i know you pray, when you do, please include Nardwaur in your blessings.

Doot Doola Doot Doo Doot Doo!

today is Foxxy’s birthday, shes 24

foxxy and JaG

back when everyone and their mother had a blog, Foxxy (pictured, left) had one that i loved.

she musta loved mine too because she borrowed my disclaimer of “nothing in here is true”.

the first time i ever met her was the last time i ever met her, im pretty sure, although now im not so sure.

i think we all gathered at Keira-Anne’s bachelor apartment and walked along Lake Vancouver and then watched all the fireworks off the barge.

and drank. omg. and drank.

i said, Foxxy you’re even prettier in real life than i ever imagined, how about lets keep drinking after all these fireworks?

she said, and do what?

i said, do you remember that awesome black girl from Holland, Just A Girl?

she said, yeah.

i said, she’s in town too, and she’s gonna meet me at my hotel at midnight and im gonna show her my new breakdance moves.

Foxxy was all, Just a Girl is really gonna be at your hotel at midnight? You? Dumbass busblog?

I said, yeah!

Foxxy said, fine but if we are there any later than 12:01 and theres no JustAGirl then i’m out.

and as you can see from this photo they were amazed by my dance moves.

ten years ago today i was in vancouver

dear rock and roll

matt good invited me up, so i drove up

i saw two of his shows and met lots of my blog friends

as well as some new friends.

in a cool episode, i met smelly danielly for the first time

and i had an extra backstage pass on me for some reason

and i knew she was a huge fan of matts so i brought her back there to see her freak out

but canadians dont really freak out.

it was also, i think, the first time i met chad.

and it was the first time that chad and danielle ever met

and now, ten years later, they are married with an adorable son.

of course i made a photo essay about it because thats what i did back then.

and of course it looks crappy with todays technology aka its not responsive design.

but it brings back some very nice memories of one of my first times in canada.

Alyson asks: Tony, you lead the coolest life. Can I be your Oscar date?



you are beautiful and wonderful and Canadian and sassy and all the things I love in an Oscar date

but this is the first time that I am eligible to not only bring one guest, but because i am working it i can bring two.

so this year I am bringing two of the most important women in my life.

the first is my mom, of course, duh, just like what Leo has done

and the other is the longest girlfriend i ever had, who has been saving the world for the last decade, Chris

who hasn’t had a good excuse to dress up all fancy and enjoy the thing she loves the most in a while: movies.

Chris is so ga ga over the Oscars that she used to have Oscar parties with her bff and catch up on all the nominees

and in many ways she is one of the few people who i think could do a better job at my job than me.

so they will be my “dates” this year, even though i wont be able to sit with them as i will be running all around the Dolby snapping photos and live blogging and tweeting and etc., for you and you and you.

next year, however, Alyson, is a different story, so keep blogging, because, as you know,

that’s a great shortcut to my heart.

today is canadian thanksgiving

the world needs more canada

you know how many good times ive had in canada?


ive partied with rock stars, wooed by locals, been escorted to rippers

kids even asked me to pose for photos and give them my autograph

we wont even talk about the trouble this 17-18 year old ashley wanted after she stole my cap

ashley canada

what is it with people who wanna steal my caps?

anyways ive had a blast there. the people are sweet. the beers are delicious.

the cold weather doesnt even seem all that cold and people dont even dress like it’s cold.

the food? mama mia. the food. you know i love the food.

every time ive been there it was a funner weirder excursion than the next.

did i tell you the time i was in a hot tub with lesbians on new years eve and it began to snow?

i wanted to stay there forever.

im so thankful for you canada.

im glad mexico isnt our hat.