nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, March 11, 2020

    what can you do 

    is there anything you can do?

    ambers been watching all these shows talking about the cornyvirus and its freaking her out

    so this morning bright and early we got up and went shopping for supplies.

    and let me tell you, trader joes was packed. i asked the cashier if it was always like this at that hour and she said nope.

    we got all sorts of water, tp, and all this stuff that put her mind at ease. and then we went to whole foods 365 which is like if whole foods took it down a notch and chilled out with the bullshit.

    she got more stuff there and it didnt rain too much today so we were able to get things done.

    and best of all i nearly finished my piece im writing about a radio reporter.

    it’s loooooonnnnng.

    but very good. im very happy, for once in my life. happy about something im writing.

    usually im all, ok thats a funny line, or this tells the story leave me alone

    but rarely am i like, you might be good today.

    so its 3am. i should just finish but im so tired.

    my cats are so funny. i try to keep them out of my room. also, they dont like their nails being trimmed.

    so now any time they come in here i trim a nail or try to. and they run off.

    but they never learn. they keep coming back. they got the whole house whats so great about this one little corner?

    and now prince is asleep, one foot inside the room.

  2. Thursday, January 16, 2020

    i made this deal with amber 

    i have this problem sometimes when i forget that she is fighting the good fight and i need to turn it down a notch.

    i can be a little over the top.

    so i said, if i can be super chill for the whole day then i will circle the date on the calendar.

    today was the first day ive earned a circle.

    we went to the movies, saw Bombshell, it was ok.

    before that, In N Out. we went to Ashley Furniture who had great financing plans, zero per cent interest, 35% off, all these things.

    but the prices of the furniture was soooo high.

    i met a guy the other day whose uncle makes custom beds. he offered a bed with padding and faux diamonds on the headboard, plus mattress and box spring for $650. old ashley furniture wanted $2k.

    amber took one look at the joint and skeeved out. she didnt even want to play around on it. she was all, this is crazy. so we drove to the top of the parking garage, ate our lunch looking at the glendale mountains, listening to the radio, watching the rain clouds come

    and now it’s nighttime, and the rain is here. it sounds so good.

    i just finished most of my work transcribing my interviews about MLK

    shes watching You

    it’s filmed all around here.

    i have so much work to do in these next few days

    my neighbor threw out her cat playset.

    she got two.

    i rescued it.

    now my cats are so happy.

  3. Friday, May 3, 2019

    there’s few things as satisfying as curing your own hiccups 

    sometimes the computer needs to have its cache cleared, maybe followed by a restart

    who am i to think im any different.

    i wanna go to palm springs this weekend with amber before it gets too hot

    and just lay by the pool for a few days

    but shes got this thing and that thing

    one involving a baby shower.

    can you imagine what sort of magician i would have to be to wrest a woman away from her best friend’s baby shower?

    so maybe next week.

    even though the entire idea is ridiculous.

    but what isnt ridiculous. i paid $3 extra to order thai food via the computer the other day, so i wouldnt have to pick up the phone and try to make it happen with a dude yelling on his end from a loudly busy restaurant.

    its all ridiculous. magnets, how do they work.

    only reason i have cats is because bukowski liked cats. not that i went out to get any, mind you, they were literally thrust upon my doorstep. but i am glad i have them even though they have figured out how to wake me up every morning for food

    the boy cat, prince, is chubby. my bad. i love him. he’s aggressive and always following me around like a roving reporter. he wants to witness my every move. the girl, michael, likes her beauty sleep. prince has things to watch.

    when i go out to get the paper in the morning he jumps from the couch and follows me to the door, just barely sticking his face over the threshold, sniffing at the welcome mat, squinting in the sun.

    michael will wake up long enough to lick herself, reposition, and dive back into dreamland.

    i think bukowski would have liked these two very very much.

  4. Wednesday, December 19, 2018

    prince doesn’t identify as a cat 

    he couldn’t be more different than his twin sister. 

    he’ll poop in a dirty litter box. he’ll eat anything you put in front of you. he comes when you call. he speaks seven languages. 

    he also has a nervous habit of scratching on the back of his neck with his back feet. he wears a cone of shame so it can heal.

    the wound was progressing. it was healing. it was growing hair. he probably only had a few more weeks until he could be free. but today he got out of the cone and scratched at it wildly and the bloody gash reappeared and now he’s in pain. from his own doing. 

    i have this magical aloe salve that i put on it, despite his objections. he knows he is to blame. 

    but sometimes you just gotta itch that scratch. 

    like the dirty dog you are. 

  5. Friday, November 30, 2018

    because ambers allergic to the cats 

    for the last year i havent spent a lot of time with them, but now on this project im home a lot more

    and at night she sends me off to the living room before she’s about to fall asleep

    so i am out here on the couch with my music and huge tv

    and these two are so happy because i pet them and scratch them and

    constantly push them away from me.

    it’s a weird little dance.

    and because they are competitive, one waits for the other to fall asleep

    and then crawls over to my lap like nbd

    they are very lovable animals who have slowly started to get fat.

    and even though it goes against my best nature, because i dont know how to stop feeding them

    i bought an automatic feeder thing for them.

    it’s their christmas gift.

    i hope they dont hate me forever for it.

  6. Wednesday, July 5, 2017

    if cats cared they wouldnt be called cats 

    theyd be called nurses.

    nurse came over my house the other day and said

    stick out your tongue

    say ahhhhhh

    how many fingers am i holding up

    whats the square root of sandwich

    why does the free bird sing

    if a train left chicago on wednesday how many cold cokes will be in its fridge when it arrives in los angeles’ union station

    why dont you floss more

    why is your door open

    youre not mr goldblum

    what are all these hats on the wall

    where is your insurance card

    you arent mr gold’s son

    please put your shirt back on

    i said please

    if cats cared they’d say please more often.

  7. Wednesday, March 22, 2017
  8. Wednesday, July 27, 2016

    theres cat hair on my cubs hat 

    Elvis Costellotheres cat hair on my shirt.

    when i rolled over to one side of my bed there was cat hair there too.

    the girl on the couch spent the night else where last night so i shut my door and gave them

    the entire run of the mansion

    other than my messy little room

    and at an early hour they stuck their paws under the door

    and meowed and rattled walls

    and demanded to see the man of the house.

    due to one thing leading to another i had not retired until 3am and i did not appreciate this disturbance at the heron house

    so i threw a shoe at the door to shut them up

    but they found the shoe string of the sneaker and pulled at it

    thus making the door bang that much louder

    so i threw another shoe

    and another.

    and finally a book

    and two more books.

    of course they thought this was a hilarious game.

    so i stormed to the door, making sure to be extra loud on the hardwood floor

    i heard them scatter and i whipped open the door and dramatically chased them around the first floor.

    i drew a bath.

    i caught them.

    i threw one and then the other in the bath.

    their feet touched the top of the water and miraculously flew elsewhere.

    they hid. wet. somehow mad AT ME

    i marched back to bed

    pulled the blanket over my head.

    and on the blanket – more cat hair.

  9. Friday, September 4, 2015

    cat lady checking in 

    the kittens

    its been a little over a year since these kittens showed up on my doorstep like some modern day moses story and im a tad surprised that we havent had any drama

    the biggest issue ive had with them revolves around trimming their nails.

    the boy cat is pretty agreeable under his own terms (he must be sleepy) but the girl cat is always suspicious of Everything and constantly on guard and is a tougher customer.

    my coworker suggested i get them some Calming treats which it turns out is like kitty ecstasy

    with jeanine around they have turned on me and she doesnt want to be the bad cop so yesterday i tried the calming treats and within about an hour they had slowed their roll a little

    after two hours they were downright lazy and groggy. i put them on the book case, i put them in the hamper, i put them in ridiculous poses and they played along.

    then i cut their nails. it was a dream.

    last night they both slept all night with no monkey business and even this morning they are lovable and sleepy and easy to deal with.

    do i want to drug my animals often? no. but it is nice to know i have this tool in the cupboard for when they get a little to big in their britches.

  10. Monday, July 27, 2015