nothing in here is true

  1. Friday, May 3, 2019

    there’s few things as satisfying as curing your own hiccups 

    sometimes the computer needs to have its cache cleared, maybe followed by a restart

    who am i to think im any different.

    i wanna go to palm springs this weekend with amber before it gets too hot

    and just lay by the pool for a few days

    but shes got this thing and that thing

    one involving a baby shower.

    can you imagine what sort of magician i would have to be to wrest a woman away from her best friend’s baby shower?

    so maybe next week.

    even though the entire idea is ridiculous.

    but what isnt ridiculous. i paid $3 extra to order thai food via the computer the other day, so i wouldnt have to pick up the phone and try to make it happen with a dude yelling on his end from a loudly busy restaurant.

    its all ridiculous. magnets, how do they work.

    only reason i have cats is because bukowski liked cats. not that i went out to get any, mind you, they were literally thrust upon my doorstep. but i am glad i have them even though they have figured out how to wake me up every morning for food

    the boy cat, prince, is chubby. my bad. i love him. he’s aggressive and always following me around like a roving reporter. he wants to witness my every move. the girl, michael, likes her beauty sleep. prince has things to watch.

    when i go out to get the paper in the morning he jumps from the couch and follows me to the door, just barely sticking his face over the threshold, sniffing at the welcome mat, squinting in the sun.

    michael will wake up long enough to lick herself, reposition, and dive back into dreamland.

    i think bukowski would have liked these two very very much.

  2. Wednesday, December 19, 2018

    prince doesn’t identify as a cat 

    he couldn’t be more different than his twin sister. 

    he’ll poop in a dirty litter box. he’ll eat anything you put in front of you. he comes when you call. he speaks seven languages. 

    he also has a nervous habit of scratching on the back of his neck with his back feet. he wears a cone of shame so it can heal.

    the wound was progressing. it was healing. it was growing hair. he probably only had a few more weeks until he could be free. but today he got out of the cone and scratched at it wildly and the bloody gash reappeared and now he’s in pain. from his own doing. 

    i have this magical aloe salve that i put on it, despite his objections. he knows he is to blame. 

    but sometimes you just gotta itch that scratch. 

    like the dirty dog you are. 

  3. Friday, November 30, 2018

    because ambers allergic to the cats 

    for the last year i havent spent a lot of time with them, but now on this project im home a lot more

    and at night she sends me off to the living room before she’s about to fall asleep

    so i am out here on the couch with my music and huge tv

    and these two are so happy because i pet them and scratch them and

    constantly push them away from me.

    it’s a weird little dance.

    and because they are competitive, one waits for the other to fall asleep

    and then crawls over to my lap like nbd

    they are very lovable animals who have slowly started to get fat.

    and even though it goes against my best nature, because i dont know how to stop feeding them

    i bought an automatic feeder thing for them.

    it’s their christmas gift.

    i hope they dont hate me forever for it.

  4. Wednesday, July 5, 2017

    if cats cared they wouldnt be called cats 

    theyd be called nurses.

    nurse came over my house the other day and said

    stick out your tongue

    say ahhhhhh

    how many fingers am i holding up

    whats the square root of sandwich

    why does the free bird sing

    if a train left chicago on wednesday how many cold cokes will be in its fridge when it arrives in los angeles’ union station

    why dont you floss more

    why is your door open

    youre not mr goldblum

    what are all these hats on the wall

    where is your insurance card

    you arent mr gold’s son

    please put your shirt back on

    i said please

    if cats cared they’d say please more often.

  5. Wednesday, March 22, 2017
  6. Wednesday, July 27, 2016

    theres cat hair on my cubs hat 

    Elvis Costellotheres cat hair on my shirt.

    when i rolled over to one side of my bed there was cat hair there too.

    the girl on the couch spent the night else where last night so i shut my door and gave them

    the entire run of the mansion

    other than my messy little room

    and at an early hour they stuck their paws under the door

    and meowed and rattled walls

    and demanded to see the man of the house.

    due to one thing leading to another i had not retired until 3am and i did not appreciate this disturbance at the heron house

    so i threw a shoe at the door to shut them up

    but they found the shoe string of the sneaker and pulled at it

    thus making the door bang that much louder

    so i threw another shoe

    and another.

    and finally a book

    and two more books.

    of course they thought this was a hilarious game.

    so i stormed to the door, making sure to be extra loud on the hardwood floor

    i heard them scatter and i whipped open the door and dramatically chased them around the first floor.

    i drew a bath.

    i caught them.

    i threw one and then the other in the bath.

    their feet touched the top of the water and miraculously flew elsewhere.

    they hid. wet. somehow mad AT ME

    i marched back to bed

    pulled the blanket over my head.

    and on the blanket – more cat hair.

  7. Friday, September 4, 2015

    cat lady checking in 

    the kittens

    its been a little over a year since these kittens showed up on my doorstep like some modern day moses story and im a tad surprised that we havent had any drama

    the biggest issue ive had with them revolves around trimming their nails.

    the boy cat is pretty agreeable under his own terms (he must be sleepy) but the girl cat is always suspicious of Everything and constantly on guard and is a tougher customer.

    my coworker suggested i get them some Calming treats which it turns out is like kitty ecstasy

    with jeanine around they have turned on me and she doesnt want to be the bad cop so yesterday i tried the calming treats and within about an hour they had slowed their roll a little

    after two hours they were downright lazy and groggy. i put them on the book case, i put them in the hamper, i put them in ridiculous poses and they played along.

    then i cut their nails. it was a dream.

    last night they both slept all night with no monkey business and even this morning they are lovable and sleepy and easy to deal with.

    do i want to drug my animals often? no. but it is nice to know i have this tool in the cupboard for when they get a little to big in their britches.

  8. Monday, July 27, 2015
  9. Wednesday, July 1, 2015

    i have two cats, prince and michael 

    prince is the boy and he is always up and checking things out and investigating. he loves me the most. he kneads my velour robe. he lets me put him in boxes.

    michael is a cat. she keeps her distance. she stands back when prince is eating. shes quick to jump away from something that made a sound. and she sleeps a lot.

    right now prince is looking at the ceiling fan above my bed. hes trying to figure it out even though i tell him it’s magic, just let it be.

    michael is the only one with a collar. prince had one too but he figured out how to get it off. fine.

    even though prince follows me everywhere he isn’t good at tricks. michael is. shes the trick expert. she doesnt even care about the snack because she prefers juicing.

    michael will eat anything, chase anything, climb everywhere, and be the first to put his paw under a closed door and bang on it to demand entrance. he’ll bite at me if i spend too much time trimming his toe nails. and whine the most when he’s put in time out.

    michael is quiet. she even purrs quietly. she doesnt like to be carried around on her back like a baby so i try to carry her on her back like a baby at least once a day. she snorts like she cant breathe on her back.

    pussy, prince purrs when he hears that.

  10. Wednesday, June 3, 2015

    i have two cats. im a cat lady. 


    this afternoon my maid was watering my plants on my porch

    when she noticed only one of the cats was near the door.

    as she searched around the apartment she got scared that one of them had run away

    so she called me at work.

    “tony tony, the one without the collar is gone,” she said.

    look in the hallway closet i told her. sometimes he likes to put himself in timeout.

    she looked but didnt find him. i said look in the bath tub, he’s weird.

    she looked but no weird cat.

    i gave her a few other spots but i was starting to think he had run out too.

    he never goes outside and it was a beautiful day. who wouldnt want to run out in the sun?

    my coworker told me i should go home and find him.

    i apologized to my boss for even bothering him with such nonsense, but he understood.

    the drive home was long and tedious. it was like 5pm. so many people who couldnt drive were driving.

    got home, looked around. then went outside. saw a tail under the house

    but it was the one eared stray.

    went back in the house and grabbed the girl cat. figured she would lure the boy


    and thats when i saw a paw stick out from the coffee table.

    somehow he had crawled into the middle of it and couldnt get out.

    or maybe the maid had closed it.

    either way there we all were. me and two cats. feeling stupid.

    and relieved.