nothing in here is true

  1. Wednesday, December 19, 2018

    prince doesn’t identify as a cat 

    he couldn’t be more different than his twin sister. 

    he’ll poop in a dirty litter box. he’ll eat anything you put in front of you. he comes when you call. he speaks seven languages. 

    he also has a nervous habit of scratching on the back of his neck with his back feet. he wears a cone of shame so it can heal.

    the wound was progressing. it was healing. it was growing hair. he probably only had a few more weeks until he could be free. but today he got out of the cone and scratched at it wildly and the bloody gash reappeared and now he’s in pain. from his own doing. 

    i have this magical aloe salve that i put on it, despite his objections. he knows he is to blame. 

    but sometimes you just gotta itch that scratch. 

    like the dirty dog you are. 

  2. Friday, November 30, 2018

    because ambers allergic to the cats 

    for the last year i havent spent a lot of time with them, but now on this project im home a lot more

    and at night she sends me off to the living room before she’s about to fall asleep

    so i am out here on the couch with my music and huge tv

    and these two are so happy because i pet them and scratch them and

    constantly push them away from me.

    it’s a weird little dance.

    and because they are competitive, one waits for the other to fall asleep

    and then crawls over to my lap like nbd

    they are very lovable animals who have slowly started to get fat.

    and even though it goes against my best nature, because i dont know how to stop feeding them

    i bought an automatic feeder thing for them.

    it’s their christmas gift.

    i hope they dont hate me forever for it.

  3. Wednesday, July 5, 2017

    if cats cared they wouldnt be called cats 

    theyd be called nurses.

    nurse came over my house the other day and said

    stick out your tongue

    say ahhhhhh

    how many fingers am i holding up

    whats the square root of sandwich

    why does the free bird sing

    if a train left chicago on wednesday how many cold cokes will be in its fridge when it arrives in los angeles’ union station

    why dont you floss more

    why is your door open

    youre not mr goldblum

    what are all these hats on the wall

    where is your insurance card

    you arent mr gold’s son

    please put your shirt back on

    i said please

    if cats cared they’d say please more often.

  4. Wednesday, March 22, 2017
  5. Wednesday, July 27, 2016

    theres cat hair on my cubs hat 

    Elvis Costellotheres cat hair on my shirt.

    when i rolled over to one side of my bed there was cat hair there too.

    the girl on the couch spent the night else where last night so i shut my door and gave them

    the entire run of the mansion

    other than my messy little room

    and at an early hour they stuck their paws under the door

    and meowed and rattled walls

    and demanded to see the man of the house.

    due to one thing leading to another i had not retired until 3am and i did not appreciate this disturbance at the heron house

    so i threw a shoe at the door to shut them up

    but they found the shoe string of the sneaker and pulled at it

    thus making the door bang that much louder

    so i threw another shoe

    and another.

    and finally a book

    and two more books.

    of course they thought this was a hilarious game.

    so i stormed to the door, making sure to be extra loud on the hardwood floor

    i heard them scatter and i whipped open the door and dramatically chased them around the first floor.

    i drew a bath.

    i caught them.

    i threw one and then the other in the bath.

    their feet touched the top of the water and miraculously flew elsewhere.

    they hid. wet. somehow mad AT ME

    i marched back to bed

    pulled the blanket over my head.

    and on the blanket – more cat hair.

  6. Friday, September 4, 2015

    cat lady checking in 

    the kittens

    its been a little over a year since these kittens showed up on my doorstep like some modern day moses story and im a tad surprised that we havent had any drama

    the biggest issue ive had with them revolves around trimming their nails.

    the boy cat is pretty agreeable under his own terms (he must be sleepy) but the girl cat is always suspicious of Everything and constantly on guard and is a tougher customer.

    my coworker suggested i get them some Calming treats which it turns out is like kitty ecstasy

    with jeanine around they have turned on me and she doesnt want to be the bad cop so yesterday i tried the calming treats and within about an hour they had slowed their roll a little

    after two hours they were downright lazy and groggy. i put them on the book case, i put them in the hamper, i put them in ridiculous poses and they played along.

    then i cut their nails. it was a dream.

    last night they both slept all night with no monkey business and even this morning they are lovable and sleepy and easy to deal with.

    do i want to drug my animals often? no. but it is nice to know i have this tool in the cupboard for when they get a little to big in their britches.

  7. Monday, July 27, 2015
  8. Wednesday, July 1, 2015

    i have two cats, prince and michael 

    prince is the boy and he is always up and checking things out and investigating. he loves me the most. he kneads my velour robe. he lets me put him in boxes.

    michael is a cat. she keeps her distance. she stands back when prince is eating. shes quick to jump away from something that made a sound. and she sleeps a lot.

    right now prince is looking at the ceiling fan above my bed. hes trying to figure it out even though i tell him it’s magic, just let it be.

    michael is the only one with a collar. prince had one too but he figured out how to get it off. fine.

    even though prince follows me everywhere he isn’t good at tricks. michael is. shes the trick expert. she doesnt even care about the snack because she prefers juicing.

    michael will eat anything, chase anything, climb everywhere, and be the first to put his paw under a closed door and bang on it to demand entrance. he’ll bite at me if i spend too much time trimming his toe nails. and whine the most when he’s put in time out.

    michael is quiet. she even purrs quietly. she doesnt like to be carried around on her back like a baby so i try to carry her on her back like a baby at least once a day. she snorts like she cant breathe on her back.

    pussy, prince purrs when he hears that.

  9. Wednesday, June 3, 2015

    i have two cats. im a cat lady. 


    this afternoon my maid was watering my plants on my porch

    when she noticed only one of the cats was near the door.

    as she searched around the apartment she got scared that one of them had run away

    so she called me at work.

    “tony tony, the one without the collar is gone,” she said.

    look in the hallway closet i told her. sometimes he likes to put himself in timeout.

    she looked but didnt find him. i said look in the bath tub, he’s weird.

    she looked but no weird cat.

    i gave her a few other spots but i was starting to think he had run out too.

    he never goes outside and it was a beautiful day. who wouldnt want to run out in the sun?

    my coworker told me i should go home and find him.

    i apologized to my boss for even bothering him with such nonsense, but he understood.

    the drive home was long and tedious. it was like 5pm. so many people who couldnt drive were driving.

    got home, looked around. then went outside. saw a tail under the house

    but it was the one eared stray.

    went back in the house and grabbed the girl cat. figured she would lure the boy


    and thats when i saw a paw stick out from the coffee table.

    somehow he had crawled into the middle of it and couldnt get out.

    or maybe the maid had closed it.

    either way there we all were. me and two cats. feeling stupid.

    and relieved.

  10. Tuesday, November 18, 2014

    i have two cats. one loves me, the other is a cat. 

    this is perfect training for the multiple wives i always feared id have.

    the one who loves me is named Prince and he comes bounding from whereever he is when he hears my door squeak open.

    he snaps awake from a nap and waltzes off the couch when the keys to the front door clatter as i come home from work

    he lets me hold him in any position, he falls asleep in my lap, and he sits on the sink as i shower occasionally leaping off to play soccer with a bottle cap.

    right now he’s licking the head of his stuck up sister, Michael who likes to distance herself from us and judge from afar. as if she’s waiting for her real family to pick her up.

    prince sleeps at night on a pillow next to my bedroom door. michael sleeps in a different place in the house every night. one night atop the fridge. one night on the office chair. one night in the drawer of stock dividends. one night on the fuzzy shower carpet.

    i try to give her as much attention as him because i dont want her to think that her behavior is acceptable. shes a cat. its her job to be cute, play with her brother, and get pet. it is not her job to scratch the tv when she sees something move.

    dont make me blow your minds with the laser pointer dot THAT YOU WILL NEVER CATCH.


    the only time i receive their undivided attention is when i am going through boxes trying to organize my hoarding stash. they will climb into the box they will get thrown across the room onto the couch. they will return in seconds, back in the box.

    thus the only time to do anything productive is when theyre asleep. which is often, but the rustle of anything is music to their ears and they wake, yawn stretch, and eye the mysterious box and jump in it.

    so i walk into the bathroom, they follow, and then i shut them in there. where they stay until ive done whatever task needs done.

    i do love them but do you know what i love even more?

    tidy cat kitty litter.

    normal kitty litter has a chemically ammonia smell, and it causes a mess.

    tidy cat absorbs the liquid and turns it into a cube of hardened piss.

    a pee cube.

    it smells nice, it comes in easy to pour jugs, and the cashier at the supermarket winks at you when you buy them.

    the other day they had a huge sale on them and i bought four jugs

    and i love them even more than i love my cats.

    they dont eat much and they leave me be.

    cant say that about too many things these days.