how do i have cats?

every day i think they’re just going to put on their top hats, light a cigar

and say, well, it was fun old chap. see ya around.

how are they even alive?

how is anything alive?

today on 60 minutes they showed UFOs and former military dudes saying

yep for a while we would see them every day over the pacific ocean

how did one of those dudes not accidentally shoot a missile at it

miss, and take out a few blocks of Santa Monica?

life is so short and now i guess its shorter because intelligent life is among us

and too intelligent to get close enough to us

so we could kill them.

because lord knows thats the only thing we do well here

that and make good tik toks.

anyways we’re all gonna die

dont wait for the second date to make out.

Isla Vista in the News

car drives off the cliff on the 6800 block of DP + Isla Vista Boat Boys Clarify: “It was completely sailable”

hung out with friends because they already had COVID and beat it

i wanted to hug them hello but they said, you better not

which is weird, shouldn’t we know by now if it’s ok?

and haven’t we been told that if you get it, that’s it, you can’t spread it any more?

it was nice though. friends. talking about new things, olden times. everything.

we drank water and ate guacamole.

chatted about sex drugs and rock music.

psychology, psychiatry, and the pros and cons of letting your cat be outdoor cats.

they live closer to coyotes than i do but they didnt seem all that scared for their feline

they were more worried that because i have so many more cars around me

and people

that my now 6(!) year old cats probably might not be able to make the adjustment to knowing that a car will run them over if they dont move, b, get out the way.

it all came about because i was explaining how uptight i get when i post pics of them and ppl call them fat.

all house cats are fat, one of my friends said

which makes sense, if you dont get any steps in of course youre not going to burn off your kibble.

finally they just told me something i have always known and usually live by

but for some reason when it comes to Prince & Michael i have a hard time with:

fuck what other ppl say

what can you do

is there anything you can do?

ambers been watching all these shows talking about the cornyvirus and its freaking her out

so this morning bright and early we got up and went shopping for supplies.

and let me tell you, trader joes was packed. i asked the cashier if it was always like this at that hour and she said nope.

we got all sorts of water, tp, and all this stuff that put her mind at ease. and then we went to whole foods 365 which is like if whole foods took it down a notch and chilled out with the bullshit.

she got more stuff there and it didnt rain too much today so we were able to get things done.

and best of all i nearly finished my piece im writing about a radio reporter.

it’s loooooonnnnng.

but very good. im very happy, for once in my life. happy about something im writing.

usually im all, ok thats a funny line, or this tells the story leave me alone

but rarely am i like, you might be good today.

so its 3am. i should just finish but im so tired.

my cats are so funny. i try to keep them out of my room. also, they dont like their nails being trimmed.

so now any time they come in here i trim a nail or try to. and they run off.

but they never learn. they keep coming back. they got the whole house whats so great about this one little corner?

and now prince is asleep, one foot inside the room.

i made this deal with amber

i have this problem sometimes when i forget that she is fighting the good fight and i need to turn it down a notch.

i can be a little over the top.

so i said, if i can be super chill for the whole day then i will circle the date on the calendar.

today was the first day ive earned a circle.

we went to the movies, saw Bombshell, it was ok.

before that, In N Out. we went to Ashley Furniture who had great financing plans, zero per cent interest, 35% off, all these things.

but the prices of the furniture was soooo high.

i met a guy the other day whose uncle makes custom beds. he offered a bed with padding and faux diamonds on the headboard, plus mattress and box spring for $650. old ashley furniture wanted $2k.

amber took one look at the joint and skeeved out. she didnt even want to play around on it. she was all, this is crazy. so we drove to the top of the parking garage, ate our lunch looking at the glendale mountains, listening to the radio, watching the rain clouds come

and now it’s nighttime, and the rain is here. it sounds so good.

i just finished most of my work transcribing my interviews about MLK

shes watching You

it’s filmed all around here.

i have so much work to do in these next few days

my neighbor threw out her cat playset.

she got two.

i rescued it.

now my cats are so happy.

there’s few things as satisfying as curing your own hiccups

sometimes the computer needs to have its cache cleared, maybe followed by a restart

who am i to think im any different.

i wanna go to palm springs this weekend with amber before it gets too hot

and just lay by the pool for a few days

but shes got this thing and that thing

one involving a baby shower.

can you imagine what sort of magician i would have to be to wrest a woman away from her best friend’s baby shower?

so maybe next week.

even though the entire idea is ridiculous.

but what isnt ridiculous. i paid $3 extra to order thai food via the computer the other day, so i wouldnt have to pick up the phone and try to make it happen with a dude yelling on his end from a loudly busy restaurant.

its all ridiculous. magnets, how do they work.

only reason i have cats is because bukowski liked cats. not that i went out to get any, mind you, they were literally thrust upon my doorstep. but i am glad i have them even though they have figured out how to wake me up every morning for food

the boy cat, prince, is chubby. my bad. i love him. he’s aggressive and always following me around like a roving reporter. he wants to witness my every move. the girl, michael, likes her beauty sleep. prince has things to watch.

when i go out to get the paper in the morning he jumps from the couch and follows me to the door, just barely sticking his face over the threshold, sniffing at the welcome mat, squinting in the sun.

michael will wake up long enough to lick herself, reposition, and dive back into dreamland.

i think bukowski would have liked these two very very much.

prince doesn’t identify as a cat

he couldn’t be more different than his twin sister. 

he’ll poop in a dirty litter box. he’ll eat anything you put in front of you. he comes when you call. he speaks seven languages. 

he also has a nervous habit of scratching on the back of his neck with his back feet. he wears a cone of shame so it can heal.

the wound was progressing. it was healing. it was growing hair. he probably only had a few more weeks until he could be free. but today he got out of the cone and scratched at it wildly and the bloody gash reappeared and now he’s in pain. from his own doing. 

i have this magical aloe salve that i put on it, despite his objections. he knows he is to blame. 

but sometimes you just gotta itch that scratch. 

like the dirty dog you are. 

because ambers allergic to the cats

for the last year i havent spent a lot of time with them, but now on this project im home a lot more

and at night she sends me off to the living room before she’s about to fall asleep

so i am out here on the couch with my music and huge tv

and these two are so happy because i pet them and scratch them and

constantly push them away from me.

it’s a weird little dance.

and because they are competitive, one waits for the other to fall asleep

and then crawls over to my lap like nbd

they are very lovable animals who have slowly started to get fat.

and even though it goes against my best nature, because i dont know how to stop feeding them

i bought an automatic feeder thing for them.

it’s their christmas gift.

i hope they dont hate me forever for it.

if cats cared they wouldnt be called cats

theyd be called nurses.

nurse came over my house the other day and said

stick out your tongue

say ahhhhhh

how many fingers am i holding up

whats the square root of sandwich

why does the free bird sing

if a train left chicago on wednesday how many cold cokes will be in its fridge when it arrives in los angeles’ union station

why dont you floss more

why is your door open

youre not mr goldblum

what are all these hats on the wall

where is your insurance card

you arent mr gold’s son

please put your shirt back on

i said please

if cats cared they’d say please more often.

theres cat hair on my cubs hat

Elvis Costellotheres cat hair on my shirt.

when i rolled over to one side of my bed there was cat hair there too.

the girl on the couch spent the night else where last night so i shut my door and gave them

the entire run of the mansion

other than my messy little room

and at an early hour they stuck their paws under the door

and meowed and rattled walls

and demanded to see the man of the house.

due to one thing leading to another i had not retired until 3am and i did not appreciate this disturbance at the heron house

so i threw a shoe at the door to shut them up

but they found the shoe string of the sneaker and pulled at it

thus making the door bang that much louder

so i threw another shoe

and another.

and finally a book

and two more books.

of course they thought this was a hilarious game.

so i stormed to the door, making sure to be extra loud on the hardwood floor

i heard them scatter and i whipped open the door and dramatically chased them around the first floor.

i drew a bath.

i caught them.

i threw one and then the other in the bath.

their feet touched the top of the water and miraculously flew elsewhere.

they hid. wet. somehow mad AT ME

i marched back to bed

pulled the blanket over my head.

and on the blanket – more cat hair.