nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, July 27, 2015
  2. Wednesday, July 1, 2015

    i have two cats, prince and michael 

    prince is the boy and he is always up and checking things out and investigating. he loves me the most. he kneads my velour robe. he lets me put him in boxes.

    michael is a cat. she keeps her distance. she stands back when prince is eating. shes quick to jump away from something that made a sound. and she sleeps a lot.

    right now prince is looking at the ceiling fan above my bed. hes trying to figure it out even though i tell him it’s magic, just let it be.

    michael is the only one with a collar. prince had one too but he figured out how to get it off. fine.

    even though prince follows me everywhere he isn’t good at tricks. michael is. shes the trick expert. she doesnt even care about the snack because she prefers juicing.

    michael will eat anything, chase anything, climb everywhere, and be the first to put his paw under a closed door and bang on it to demand entrance. he’ll bite at me if i spend too much time trimming his toe nails. and whine the most when he’s put in time out.

    michael is quiet. she even purrs quietly. she doesnt like to be carried around on her back like a baby so i try to carry her on her back like a baby at least once a day. she snorts like she cant breathe on her back.

    pussy, prince purrs when he hears that.

  3. Wednesday, June 3, 2015

    i have two cats. im a cat lady. 


    this afternoon my maid was watering my plants on my porch

    when she noticed only one of the cats was near the door.

    as she searched around the apartment she got scared that one of them had run away

    so she called me at work.

    “tony tony, the one without the collar is gone,” she said.

    look in the hallway closet i told her. sometimes he likes to put himself in timeout.

    she looked but didnt find him. i said look in the bath tub, he’s weird.

    she looked but no weird cat.

    i gave her a few other spots but i was starting to think he had run out too.

    he never goes outside and it was a beautiful day. who wouldnt want to run out in the sun?

    my coworker told me i should go home and find him.

    i apologized to my boss for even bothering him with such nonsense, but he understood.

    the drive home was long and tedious. it was like 5pm. so many people who couldnt drive were driving.

    got home, looked around. then went outside. saw a tail under the house

    but it was the one eared stray.

    went back in the house and grabbed the girl cat. figured she would lure the boy


    and thats when i saw a paw stick out from the coffee table.

    somehow he had crawled into the middle of it and couldnt get out.

    or maybe the maid had closed it.

    either way there we all were. me and two cats. feeling stupid.

    and relieved.

  4. Tuesday, November 18, 2014

    i have two cats. one loves me, the other is a cat. 

    this is perfect training for the multiple wives i always feared id have.

    the one who loves me is named Prince and he comes bounding from whereever he is when he hears my door squeak open.

    he snaps awake from a nap and waltzes off the couch when the keys to the front door clatter as i come home from work

    he lets me hold him in any position, he falls asleep in my lap, and he sits on the sink as i shower occasionally leaping off to play soccer with a bottle cap.

    right now he’s licking the head of his stuck up sister, Michael who likes to distance herself from us and judge from afar. as if she’s waiting for her real family to pick her up.

    prince sleeps at night on a pillow next to my bedroom door. michael sleeps in a different place in the house every night. one night atop the fridge. one night on the office chair. one night in the drawer of stock dividends. one night on the fuzzy shower carpet.

    i try to give her as much attention as him because i dont want her to think that her behavior is acceptable. shes a cat. its her job to be cute, play with her brother, and get pet. it is not her job to scratch the tv when she sees something move.

    dont make me blow your minds with the laser pointer dot THAT YOU WILL NEVER CATCH.


    the only time i receive their undivided attention is when i am going through boxes trying to organize my hoarding stash. they will climb into the box they will get thrown across the room onto the couch. they will return in seconds, back in the box.

    thus the only time to do anything productive is when theyre asleep. which is often, but the rustle of anything is music to their ears and they wake, yawn stretch, and eye the mysterious box and jump in it.

    so i walk into the bathroom, they follow, and then i shut them in there. where they stay until ive done whatever task needs done.

    i do love them but do you know what i love even more?

    tidy cat kitty litter.

    normal kitty litter has a chemically ammonia smell, and it causes a mess.

    tidy cat absorbs the liquid and turns it into a cube of hardened piss.

    a pee cube.

    it smells nice, it comes in easy to pour jugs, and the cashier at the supermarket winks at you when you buy them.

    the other day they had a huge sale on them and i bought four jugs

    and i love them even more than i love my cats.

    they dont eat much and they leave me be.

    cant say that about too many things these days.

  5. Thursday, July 10, 2014

    i heard a lot of noise in my otherwise quiet courtyard 

    theres a cat in my seat

    it was a neighbor who a few months ago i heard yelling at another neighbor about a terrible sound we all heard.

    that particular night we heard a blood curdling sound of one animal attacking another.

    we all assumed it was a raccoon eating one of the stray cats alive!


    a few months before that she was yelling at a different neighbor about the automatic lighting thatd just been installed

    and the cement walkway that had been placed over the quaint stepping stones.


    so yesterday when i saw her helping the movers move her i was both surprised and not surprised.

    surprised because it took her a while and i think we all got used to the changes

    including the fact that the cats were no longer lounging in the courtyard– because Blanket is a terror.

    Wrigley has resigned himself to the alley and the three fluffy cats as well. they hang out by my back door now.

    the scared cat is beneath the house still but he only comes out when he hears my front door open and meows when he doesnt see any food.

    pretty sure im their pet now instead of vice versa.

    so this morning when i walked to my car i ran into the neighbor who said, yep im moving. i said oh.

    she said, its really nice what youre doing for the cats.

    which surprised me because i thought she didnt want me helping them.

    still, all i did was smile.

    like the xbi taught us to do.

  6. Wednesday, May 14, 2014

    a little kid on his adorable tricycle was attacked by a dog yesterday in Bakersfield and then… 

    “Amy” points out that the Bakersfield Sun has the best quotes about it:

    “My cat, I have no idea where she was prior, honestly through the heat of it, I have no idea where she went after. Full lion safari moment,”said Triantafilo, who also has 2-year-old twin boys, Carson and Connor. They were in the house when the attack occurred.

    All three boys treat Tara about the way you’d expect, their mom said.

    “My kids are absolutely awful to her. They tug on her tail, they pull on her ears, they try to lift her up and carry her around — which obviously doesn’t work for a 2-year-old quite as well,” said Triantafilo.

    “I think they’ve sat on her, they’ve jumped on her and she just looks at them with that annoyed cat look that all cats have and … takes it. She really is the most amazing cat.”

    Which made me think:


    image by Bloopy. thanks

  7. Tuesday, March 18, 2014

    this cat let me pet him today, a first 


    ive been feeding these suckers for months and they wont let me get near them.

    theres one that lives under the house who just zips back and forth into the hole and to the food like someones gonna eat him.

    then theres others who wander over when alls clear and nibble and saunter off.

    today i got home after a long day and they followed me to my door and one just sat there in front of me

    and i reached down and it came and let me stroke his back.

    of course i immedately washed my hands because he was disgusting and not at all soft

    because hes been living in the streets of hollywood

    but it was nice.


    when i opened the door to find some leftover sushi to stoke him with dern fool followed me into the damn house.

    his buddies werent so sure about things and i appreciate that.

    i understand.

    found some food, also figured a nice little tupperware bowl of water wouldnt be so bad.

    turned on the tv to kennedy, kmele, and welch’s tv show the independents

    and heard a Terminix commercial playing the opening strains of Hells Bells.

    thanks obama

  8. Sunday, November 24, 2013

    of all the stray cats i like two the best 

    crazy cat

    one of them i call Boldy cuz dude just eats, comes into my crib, walks around and judges

    and then gets back into the crazy streets of hollywood.

    the other is black and white so i call him Blanket.

    havent seen Blanket in a while. he probably got “rescued”.

    these cats are perfectly fine. if anyone needs rescuing its we humans.

    like the two very nice commentors said in the previous post, here i know theres something with my blood pressure

    but i have to wait for a few weeks for my insurance to kick in. and then i’ll get pills and all will be well.

    if these cats are around because they can sense my imminent death, then it was nice blogging to you.

    right now the only thing dangerous for my health are these damn bears who are down 10 at the half.