nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, September 17, 2013

    Adios Chicago 


    I will miss all the driving while texting people


    I’ll miss the charm


    I will miss the good food and green grass


    I’ll miss Wrigley Field


    I’ll miss all the cold Cokes in the fridge – thanks ma


    And I’ll even miss my beautiful niece. Cya soon!

  2. Monday, September 9, 2013

    do you know i love you? i do. 

    kyla and babe

    i know i havent blogged much during my trip to Chicago.

    thats not because i dont think about you. you’re in my heart. theres a suite in there

    it has a fruit basket atop fresh towels.

    its all for you.

    in my heart. and chocolates. drink anything you want in the mini fridge. on the house.

    i havent been blogging cuz ive been busy. yesterday i was in park ridge with my buddy bob.

    we drank lots of old styles and watched the bears win and the packers lose.

    pretty much the dream sunday.

    then i talked with my mom all night and she told me many of her secrets.

    then this morning she told me where her fortune is buried. score!

    last night both of my nieces and my nephew were pretty adorbs.

    i need to buy a shovel at Menards, so heres some video of kyla being amazing:

  3. Saturday, September 7, 2013

    chicagoland, your hero has returned from the war 


    thank you for your potpourri parades your double plungers of love and wallpaper that says tony in chinese


    thanks for dissing the lions for no good reason at the grocery store


    thanks for hosting the opening game for da bears’ super bowl season the week i am home


    thanks for taking care of the shopping cart guys, who in turn will take care of you and you, and even you


    thanks for keeping my name on the grocery store even after i sold it to speculators at a ridiculous profit


    and thank you thank you thank you for allowing Super Tony’s to present such a wide variety of sausages.


    thank you mom for taking me directly from o’hare to portillo’s after my uneventful flight of babies crying and kardashians on tv


    LA swears they know a few things about hot dogs but come on, Chicago airport dogs put other cities’ real dogs to shame.


    not to mention the ribs. which is why your prodigal son is happy, oh so happy, to be back home.

    auto show

    but next time alert me when hangover park has a car and motorcycle show, because seriously, what could be better than that?

  4. Monday, June 24, 2013

    very happy for the blackhawks 

    even though i have lived in California longer than i lived in ILL

    theres no way i would ever root for any other team more than the Chicago team

    except of course for the south siders in the junior circuit.

    i am loyal, to a fault. it may be my biggest fault.

    in order for me to turn my back you’ve probably done something pretty bad.

    if not several things

    many times.

    the blackhawks, and their fans: amazing.

    even when they werent very good, youd see people with those beautiful jerseys

    all over the chicagoland area.

    my mom sent me video of blocks and blocks and blocks around Wrigley Field

    of Hawks fans in the streets cheering like crazy.

    if i was there, id so be there.

    blackhawk fans partying

  5. Friday, May 17, 2013
  6. Friday, March 22, 2013

    dear tony, should i move to chicago from new york? 

    Katherine asks: I am about to receive a very tempting job offer in Chi Town but I’ve only been an NYC girl.


    moving is great.

    sometimes you dont even realize how much better a fit you were somewhere else

    until you get a new change of scenery.

    also, if you live in the suburbs, not even that far out there, you can save 30%-50% on housing.

    just try to live near a train station so you can get hammered downtown.

    but if you want that city vibe, of course i’d recommend Wrigleyville

    so see if the tempting offer is willing to give you that sorta lifestyle

    but who knows, maybe you’re already paying that in the Apple.

    either way, enjoy this midwest adventure!

  7. Friday, December 28, 2012

    someones late for tacos 

    tiffany yeenot sure who it could be because seriously

    who would be late for tacos?

    other day i was late for chinese food and the lady was all omg are you serious

    i was like im so sorry she was all too bad

    i was all but its christmas eve

    she said no move along

    so i moved along to a booth by the register

    and she said keep moving along

    so i put my coat back on and got up

    and she was all omg jk

    J K

    and she fed me soup and asked me if id like a chinese bear

    i said bear? what about a beer?

    she said sure

    and thats how it all began.

  8. Thursday, December 27, 2012
  9. Monday, December 24, 2012

    people ask why i wear my cubs hat so much 

    728993_10151307188753057_991534213_o and i have several answers to that

    the first being that one day the cubs are going to win it all

    and when that happens and people see me running around the streets in my birthday suit crying in ecstasy

    they’ll say omg who the hell is that guy

    you can be all, oh thats the dude who’s worn a cubs hat since he was a little kid. dont call the cops.

    the second reason is whenever i dont wear it people say wheres your hat: i barely recognized you!

    the third reason is it’s an xbi secret weapon

    usually in the very cold coldness of winter i wear a little knit cap because as a bald man my head is as sensitive as your bare ass.

    today was only 4 degrees above zero, not 94 below

    so instead of wearing my Bears knit cap i decided to brave the elements and sport my Cubs hat in the one part of the world where instead of sticking out, i would blend in

    did i want to leave the house at all today?

    of course not.

    but i love my mother deeply, and my family, so i emerged out of the warm bliss of my mom’s home and ventured out into the wonder of illinois in the depths of winter.

    like a g


    my dear mother made a lemon meringue pie for a lonesome shut in across town. which was super nice.


    so we pulled into the woman’s drive way and my mom said, i’ll be right back AND LEFT HER DOOR OPEN AS IF IT WASNT A GAZILLION DEGREES BELOW ZERO oh im sorry 4 degrees above zero AND HER PRIDE AND JOY WASNT GOING TO LOOK LIKE JACK NICHOLSON AT THE END OF THE SHINING UPON HER RETURN!  i covered myself in snow as a what the hell are you doing leaving your door open? which actually was dumb cuz i was freezing to prove a (dumb) point and my mom just laughed at me. which was funny.


    she made it up by saying, lets go to Dick’s and pick out a new cap “Santa” can get for you.
    but i was all, im good.


    i did notice however the branding Da Bears have on pop and even water, which somehow didnt surprise me.


    what did surprise me was this nice gentleman’s 4Runner which proudly displayed his heritage. it wasnt that he was glad to tell the world that he was latino that made me curious, it was what did his love for the Transformers have to do with anything.


    time passed, the bears won, and my mom said, omg i remember yesterday you said how much you’d like to go to Red Lobster.

    i said, id go but in California they don’t drown the shrimps in butter and oversalt the lobsters.

    728788_10151307250818057_1237314717_oshe said you need to try the ones here, and whattya know, Red Lobsters the way they were meant to be: amazing.

    infact so many people had come to RL that our food was a tad tardy in arriving so the manager got on his knees (I ish you not)

    and introduced himself and said im so sorry but your meals will be a little late, is there an appetizer i can get for you?

    and i said A MCRIB! NOM NOM NOM!

    and my mom said, what about a shrimp cocktail? because shes classy.

    and poof out came six jumbo shrimps as we waited.

    mom and i had a really good conversation

    but one thing we didnt discuss was something we had seen at Dick’s Sporting Goods: this mysterious Cubs ball that was colored to look as if it was made of wood.


    if you know me you know that im insatiable at times in my wants and needs, and often the things that i demand are insane or at least partially ridiculous.

    but i have never ever ever said you know what this world is missing? balls made of wood – or imitation wood like baseballs. and as much as i like pretty much anything with the Cubs logo on it, i dont think i could ever imagine a nook or cranny in my many mansions where a wood like baseball would seem at home.

    indeed, it reminds me of that odd Beastie Boys line where outta nowhere Mike D says “if you get me some wood, I’ll build you a cabinet.”

    imagine the confusion if he said, “if you get me some wood, I’ll build you baseballs”?

    im gonna sleep late man, it’s much easier on my constitution

  10. Saturday, December 22, 2012

    day started out great, ended even better 


    got to see my niece, nephew, and my half brother.

    why do i rarely talk about my bro? cuz hes in the xbi, duh. but like really.


    i asked the niece what she wanted for Christmas. she thought about it for a while and said, “i’ll get back to you.”


    the nephew wanted some Bears gear. i was like, even after that disappointing season? he was all, yup!


    the niece said why dont you live here? i said i do. i protect you from way high above. but dont tell no one.


    so she cut two huge pieces of homemade cake for me and was all, heres one for now and one for later.


    and heres a beer i left out in the snow for ya!


    earlier in the day my mom and i went to the mall where this 1 1/2 yr old kid was in a bungie and people were oohing and ahhhing


    yes there was a store in the mall named Nirvana, playing Nirvana and my mom said wanna go in and i was like OH HELL NO


    Santa was pretty busy. he waved at my ma. i said ma, everyone knows Santa’s black. don’t wave at that imposter.


    we saw Lincoln which we both liked A LOT but then we saw the saddest thing: in a packed mall, ZERO kids were playing video games at the arcade. Nobama!!!!


    before the movie started they had this little commercial trying to tell people to turn off their cell phones. so i did. right after i took this pic.