nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, January 12, 2015

    things ive seen at the Forum 

    Louis CK

    the LA Kings with Wayne Gretzkey
    the LA Lakers with Magic and Kareem
    AC/DC with Yngwie Malmsteen opening
    Eric Clapton with Phil Collins on drums and Robert Cray opening
    Bob Seger with The Georgia Satellites opening
    Roger Waters, Radio KAOS
    The Grateful Dead
    Duran Duran with The Village People and Adam Ant opening
    Marilyn Manson with Hole and Monster Magnet opening
    The Cure
    David Lee Roth
    The Cars, Hearbeat City tour
    Weezer with Against Me! opening
    Tom Petty, Southern Accents tour
    Beastie Boys, Hello Nasty
    Motley Crue
    AC/DC, Runaway Train tour
    Aerosmith with Skid Row opening
    Aerosmith with Slash opening
    Kiss with Def Lepard opening
    and last night, Louis C.K.

  2. Sunday, October 19, 2014

    Cause you and I, we were born to die 


    life has a way of getting in the last laugh.

    amber and i had a great summer whirlwind whose highpoints involved some of the best rock shows.

    so of course after we split up she, so kindly, gifted me her high priced ticket

    to see Lana Del Rey at the Hollywood Forever cemetery

    because she had to work and couldnt get out of it.


    the lines were long to get into the place because they had to scan your soul to see if you were worthy

    no one was.

    amber woulda been, but not us.

    we were just lucky to be at the famous cemetery squooshed between a gritty stretch of santa monica blvd

    and the  back lot of Paramount Studios, one of the many homes of make believe.


    since no one was passing the test they said screw it and let everyone in and we flooded to see the chartreuse

    who was simultaneously a throwback to martini sipping, cigarette toking broads

    and futuristic femme fatales who know what they want and look great in cocktail dresses

    the crowd were not just fans but uber-fans. they knew every word and sang it with her. even the song that just came out.

    and despite the fact that there were two jib cameras swooping around they had their phones and tablets out recording it all.

    many had paid several hundred dollars to see Ms. Del Rey. she has only performed a handful of performances in LA,

    the last being at Coachella way back in the spring.

    this, however was the very last night of her Summertime Sadness tour

    and despite being held in a graveyard a lucky 13 days from halloweentumblr_ndok8vaG2A1rk2e30o2_500

    there was nothing to cry about, but boy were there tears.

    from the moment she sauntered onto the stage with what appeared to be a vintage grass green dress

    and summery white heels the audience flooded the stage with adoration

    screaming any time she looked her way or


    waved gently.

    several times throughout the show she glided down the stairs of the stage and into the photo pit next to the crowd and took selfies and autographed various graven images

    people fa-reeked out.

    her vocal range is lacking, she doesn’t dance, and she didn’t even sing her Oscar-nominated hit Young and Beautiful

    but she is this generations Barbara Streisand, she can do what she wants.

    like only play an hour-long set

    like smoke, not one, but two cigarettes during the night

    like perform zero encores

    like not introduce the band.

    shes not normal, it’s ok.

    lana del rey live is exactly like her music: dreamy, haunting, romantic to the hilt

    and in the end leaving the audience with the desire for more



    the only thing that made the 30 year old go a little off script was when, during a long instrumental intro to a song,

    a man yelled out


    to which she paused

    and then crack up.

    almost as to say, sweetheart, what do you think i’m doing.


    thank you amber smith blog, so so much.

    the next one’s on me.

  3. Wednesday, September 17, 2014

    work kicked us out of our offices after lunch yesterday bc we are moving 


    fortunately amber smith blog lives super close to my work and she has air conditioning. so i was all, can i work from home

    from your home?

    she said sure, only problem, my AC isn’t working.

    i was all, ok guess i gotta go to the library.

    she said, omg i love libraries lemme go with you


    so we walked down the street and she said wait are those swimtrunks you have on?

    i said yes, i always love to wear swimtrunks as shorts when its 100 degrees,

    i said i know some people think theyre tacky but what happens if someone invites me to a pool?

    she said, youre so cool


    so i took a picture of us, she in her sweet summer dress and me in my swimsuit shorts

    and the hawaiian shirt my mom bought me at macys


    amber was all ok heres the library i was telling you about!

    i said wait a damn minute this sure looks like a rooftop pool.

    she was all, its got wifi and heres a book, voila: library!


    so i jumped into the pool, found a shady spot and went back to working.

    ah the internet.

    thank you Al Gore


    every now and then i looked to my right and said mama mia, why didnt this girl hit on me when we were both at the LA Times

    and the world was crumbling down on me. and a voice said, just drink the cold water and enjoy the shade


    we heard some sounds. it was the hotel. there was a blackout in beverly hills (where we were)

    i asked the bikini waitress, does this mean the beers wont be cold any more?

    she said, oh we have generators for the pool, the beverages, and the elevators.

    so i went back to working and looking to my right.

    but after a while we were actually hungry hungry


    so we drove to my favorite sushi joint and had crab so fresh one of them pinched amber’s tight rump.

    she was all, fresh! and slapped him

    he blushed and we ate him.


    then we drove down to anaheim and saw Katy Perry who was about 10 times better than I thought she was gonna be.

    we had embarrassingly good tickets.


    all sorts of people there: moms dads and of course screaming tween girls


    and these well dressed members of the state assembly


    lesson of the day: we are here to dazzle, so dazzle.

    Ignite the light
    And let it shine
    Just own the night
    Like the Fourth of July

    ‘Cause baby, you’re a firework
    Come on show them what you’re worth
    Make them go, “Oh, oh, oh”
    As you shoot across the sky

  4. Tuesday, July 22, 2014

    went to the lady gaga show last night 


    as did pretty much everyone with a costume


    there was tons of confetti in the shape of sea shells and hearts


    amber got us amazing seats super close to the stage


    she also interviewed a bunch of wildly dressed pretty ladies which will turn up on her blog soon


    things that surprised me about Lady Gaga:

    1. she’s not that wonderful of a dancer

    2. she only had about 5 costume changes

    3. she alternates between telling her fans they can do anything and then saying “i cant hear you mother [effers]!”

    4. she doesn’t do an encore


    things that surprised me about amber smith blog:

    1. she knew every word to every song

    2. she bought 4 tickets well in advance for no one in particular because she just knew ppl would wanna come


    things that surprised me about The Little Monsters

    1. they almost all dressed up in costumes of some sort

    2. they didn’t sell out Staples Center (maybe because there are two shows: one tonight as well?)

    3. they threw clothes, stuffed animals, even a rainbow flag at Gaga while she caught her breath


    ironic, dont ya think: some of the best concert merch, but this crowd really doesnt buy concert merch

    ive been to a zillion concerts, this was the only one where there werent bootleg tshirt vendors in the parking lots


    now i wanna see the Katy Perry show to see who had the most confetti.

  5. Sunday, June 15, 2014

    the xbi gave me a quarterly bonus for their successful spring 

    new vans

    i said thats fine but i dont work for the xbi, nor have i in quite a while.

    but they insisted.

    so after giving, what i thought was all of it to the Ronald McDonald House and the Sunset Free Clinic

    my two favorite charities in Hollywood, it turned out that i still had some more left over.

    so i bought concert tickets because even though the xbi are the most lovable of all the undercover superheroes

    their money is dirty and tainted and so full of heebie jeebies that it gives me the shivers just thinking about.

    Kiss & Def Leppard @ The Forum, 7/8

    Mötley Crüe & Alice Cooper @ The Hollywood Bowl, 7/21

    Elvis Costello & Ben Folds @ The Hollywood Bowl, 9/5

    Lorde @ The Greek, 10/7

    and still money was left over so I bought those black paisley Star Wars Vans off their website.

  6. Tuesday, February 18, 2014
  7. Saturday, November 25, 2006

    last night jeanine and i saw the dixie chicks 

    dixie chicks

    at the staples center. we were in section 317 row one. which are pretty great seats, especially since they were free. editorship has its privileges.

    we parked about three blocks away from staples in a downtown lot that cost us $5. a twenty dollar savings that was instantly given to the stadium and their $7 shots.

    the show was pretty good considering. the sound was turned way down for some reason and the lighting man had it on automatic meaning the lights went spastic for no good reason during the weirdest moments and the screen behind the band showed some of the lamest graphics this blogger has ever seen.

    even though jeanine and i havent been bf/gf in 13 years or so, we still hold hands and kiss and tell each other i love you which is very sweet. she put her head on my shoulder during one very pretty song and started to weep a tad which almost made me weep a tad.

    i really like the dixie chicks, theyre excellent musicians, singers, and songwriters, which is why its so sad that their stage show it totally lacking. plus ive never heard such a horrible sound mix at Staples.

    it did not ruin our night though. it was just nice to be together.

    afterwards we went back to the lot to retrieve the car and we saw a young lady get out of a car. she had a very short miniskirt and patent leather boots so tall that she had problems walking in them.

    normally when people see someone dressed like that theyd say “fucking whore” but this girl actually did look like a hooker. and being that it was downtown, who knows, she could have been one, but she didnt look over to us even after both me and jeanine hooted and told her she looked hot.

    seriously why dress like a ho if youre not going to appreciate people going nuts over you?

    and then i realized we were in my fucked up looking car

    which was two quarts of oil short, we realized, upon arriving in pasadena.

    but since my car is magic and can run on zero oil it was all, whatever bros, where next?

    today’s LAist posts: why is hip hop hold em’s logo a a spade? + purple weed + how to make cocaine